Love Is Always an Option
by MeilleurCafe
Summary: Bella Swan, a young registered pharmacist from New Jersey, takes a job in the Forks, WA hospital, determined to start her life over. She meets the handsome, brooding Edward Cullen, who also works in the hospital pharmacy...on the night shift, of course.
1. Bella, Chapter 1

_**Love is Always an Option**_

**Disclaimer: All publicly recognizable characters, settings, etc. are the property of Stephenie Meyers, author of the "Twilight" series. The original characters and plot are also the property of Stephenie Meyer. The author is in no way associated with the owners, creators, or producers of any media franchise. No copyright infringement is intended.**

**Bella, Chapter 1**

Most of the passengers had started to gather their belongings as the plane taxied toward the gate. The weather at Sea-Tac airport was cooperative enough to allow a trouble-free landing, and the preoccupied murmurings of the people on board my flight revealed a kind of relief that we'd arrived without a lot of delay, or even turbulence.

This was probably the last time I'd make this trip with any permanence, not counting vacations back east, which I doubted I would take for a good long time. You don't move clear across the country unless you have some strong motivation to get out. Maybe some would disagree with my logic, but a really bad breakup was enough to propel me out of New Jersey, where I was born, raised and educated. I didn't want any reminders. I wanted to go where people didn't know me, because I thought that would allow me to heal and possibly even rebuild myself from the ground up, if that's what it took.

After a few months of searching online, I found a position open in a hospital in the small town of Forks, WA, on the Olympic Peninsula. It was far enough from New Jersey but close enough to Seattle for a day trip when I was in the mood for something more cosmopolitan than the only rain forest in the continental United States. I'm a registered pharmacist. After finishing school a couple of years ago, I got my license and my first job at a hospital in central New Jersey, pleased that my professional life was moving along smoothly. Then, after a torturous relationship that I never should have entered into – and of course I didn't realize that until it was too late – I applied for the position in Forks and was surprised when they called me.

Although the hospital's human resources rep said they were looking for a pharmacist with only a couple years of experience, I guess I thought they'd go with someone more local. But my references were good, my grades had been high and my board scores were excellent, so I was called for an interview. The Forks Hospital said they wanted to hire me pending approval of my Washington state license, and once that cleared, I got the job and a mighty long to-do list for moving out of my home state.

My friends thought I was crazy, but I thought I'd go crazy if I didn't leave. "Does it have to be so _far_?" moaned Colleen, my best friend from college. She knew how badly I'd taken the breakup with Bill, but never considered I'd choose relocation as therapy. "Look, you know he's a jerk , and you know there are plenty of other guys – decent guys – right here. You have to jump clear across the continental US?"

"Yeah, okay, so I'm redefining the term 'clean break.' Honestly, it's not just that," I told her. "I want to try this while I'm still young and stupid enough to have some success with it. I'll miss you so much," I murmured, putting my arm around her and squeezing her shoulder, "but this is a good challenge for me."

Colleen sighed. "Well, I always did want to see Seattle." I'd made her promise to visit me as soon as I got settled and had someplace reasonable for her to sleep, as opposed to the floor she'd conked out on so many times in my New Jersey apartment.

My family was accepting if not understanding. I explained to my dad that I wanted to see another part of the country, again using the argument that I was young enough to relocate and make a go of it. Dad isn't one who accepts change very easily, something that became even harder for him after my mother died about five years ago. At first, he reacted the way I expected, by questioning whether I could really live on my own so far away while managing a job, an apartment and a car. I closed him down with "I'll be fine," and then he didn't really argue with me any further. He seemed to think that I found New Jersey a difficult place to live for other reasons. "The cost of living here is too damn high anyway, and I'm not even sure what you get for it any more," he said, shaking his head. I didn't respond. Rather than explain some of the real underlying reasons, I thought it best to let him believe whatever worked for him.

And my sister Pat was surprised and upset, but more sympathetic. She knew a little bit about the rough time I'd had with Bill, but assumed I was working through it. We are close, but not close enough to push a discussion if one of us sends clear signals not to broach a subject. I extracted a promise from her also to visit as soon as she was able, and to bring her husband and as many of her three kids as she could. I would miss having someone within driving distance to be with when I wanted companionship but not at the price of a lot of conversation. She understands how introverted I am even though she is quite different. Familial ties, and a common appreciation of the environment we grew up in, gave us a strong relationship even if the communication was sporadic. I wondered if I would find people like me in Forks. How long does it take to figure out the right qualities in a potential friend, anyhow? It seemed a long time since I'd had to do that. Were all my relationships stuck in a rut? It was like I hadn't even noticed. Living in a new town where I knew no one would force me to deal with that. It would be as if I was in kindergarten again, except – as the saying goes – with money.

It was nightfall in the Seattle area, and I could see the lights of Tacoma, the atmosphere industrial and smoky, with enormous black patches rooted in the ground around us that I took to be evergreens. "Star light, star bright, you've got the lovin' that I like all right…Turn this crazy bird around, I shouldn't have got on this flight tonight…" Joni Mitchell's lyrics were running through my head all day. I'd been listening to too much "Blue," which was one of the standard albums issued to anyone who goes through a painful end of a relationship.

Everyone on the plane, which was full to capacity, stood up as the aircraft halted at the gate. We gradually began the slow shuffle to the front, some of us weary, some excited, some indifferent, depending on the reason for the trip. I gladly let others ahead of me, knowing there would be no one waiting for me in the terminal. I'd made arrangements to ship most of my belongings to Washington once I was assured the job was mine. After my second interview, I signed a lease on a small apartment on the second floor of a house outside of Forks' downtown, if by downtown you means two traffic lights, a post office, a cafe and what appeared to be half a dozen nail salons. Even the Pacific Northwest, it seems, was not impervious to the blossoming industry of manicures.

I maneuvered my way around the crowds to the baggage carousel and waited, wondering idly if my furniture, my books, my bike and my cookware had survived their trip to Forks. I had told my landlady, Mrs. Farrelly, that I would be coming in today. She was older and retired, and graciously agreed to wait for the movers to bring my furniture and boxes with all my possessions. I wanted to avoid putting them in storage, as I wasn't sure how they would fare in the humid, rainy atmosphere. Does Farberware get moldy?

I rented a car. I'd have to buy one, but for now, this would do. Weaving my way out of the terminal, I got on to I-5 and drove south, intending to cross the Olympic Peninsula while avoiding the traffic of metro Seattle. It was too dark to see Mount Rainier –a real shame, since it was so spectacular. It's not an exaggeration to say that the scenery helped convince me to move here. Although I couldn't actually swim in the cold Pacific Ocean and therefore considered the beaches to be pretty useless, there was such an abundance of natural glory that I knew I could spend ages driving through the whole state and never see the same place twice.

I'm not terribly good with directions but I had a thorough map, so I was able to find Route 12 and then connect to Route 101 North without a problem. I wished it was light so I could at least enjoy the drive, although arriving at night might help me get some decent sleep and start the next day early. I was tired, though whether from emotions or jet lag, I couldn't tell.

I didn't know what waited for me here. I knew more of what I wanted to leave instead of what I would or could find in this tiny town nestled in this one huge forest of an enormous state. What would the people be like here? The hospital staff I'd met while interviewing appeared friendly and competent. They'd made a good first impression, though I knew enough to reserve judgment until we'd worked together awhile. My landlady seemed to be a sweet old soul, and I wondered how our relationship would work out, too. She lived on the first floor. Would that become a liability?

I had a week before I started my new job. In between getting settled into the apartment on Hoh Street, I got my driver's license and checked with the Human Resources office at the hospital. There didn't seem to be much required of me before my first day. I'd already forwarded all my schooling and license records, so I settled on unpacking and organizing.

And it rained. Oh, how it rained. It wasn't a question of the weather being rainy or sunny or even just cloudy; it was more degrees of rain. At times it was beautiful, with great rolling clouds that delivered a mist which occasionally developed into more aggressive drops. Other times, it poured for so long and with such force that I wondered how the ground could possibly absorb it. But I wasn't in New Jersey any more; the development here, way outside of Seattle, was negligible. The enveloping green foliage appeared to welcome it, to appreciate the wetness and the lack of sun, and seemingly had done so for century after century.

I straightened out the kitchen first. I had an old table that belonged to my grandmother, with an unusual ceramic top and four chairs. I found the most suitable places for my dishes, cookware, spices and groceries, figuring I'd just move them around if it turned out I'd stuck them in some inconvenient place. Food was an essential part of my identity, and I knew I had to hold on to that. I enjoy the creativity that accompanies trying new ingredients and recipes, and – lately –less familiar cuisine. It's hard to cook for only yourself, but if I could work up the motivation to do that, I knew I'd feel better. I tried to cheer myself with the thought that perhaps before too long, I would have reason to prepare dinner for others besides myself.

The week went by uneventfully. The night before I started at Forks Hospital, I went through every routine I could think of to quiet my nerves. I set and checked the alarm clock four times to make sure it would ring so I could shower in the morning. I was working the day shift, so I had to be in at 8 a.m. and I certainly didn't want to be late. I had enough food for breakfast. I'd found all my toiletries and set everything up so it would be easy to find in the morning. Although I had a television, I'd forgotten to make an appointment far enough in advance so the cable company could come for installation while I was home, before I started at the hospital. Now, I'd have to wait a bit for that. I couldn't very well take off for a day right at the start.

Maybe if I read, I'd calm down and sleep enough to be awake on my first day. I dug through boxes of books, trying to find something that appealed to me, and wound up organizing them on a book shelf in my bedroom. I had a few more boxes left to unpack when I notice it was 10 o'clock and I knew I'd better pack it in myself.

8


	2. Edward, Chapter 1

**Edward, Chapter 1**

I watched through the pharmacy window as dawn came up, making its appearance as a faint pink stripe on the horizon. Here at my desk, I could see through a clearing in the forest that allowed a minimal view of the skyline above the smaller trees. If the light was coming through, it must be close to 7 a.m. I looked up from the computer log and sure enough, the time said 6:45.

I work part time in the Forks Regional Hospital pharmacy. I do not need to work for financial reasons, but I took this job because I love the sciences and the position helps keep me current in the field. I am a licensed pharmacist, and my family and I live in Forks, quite far from the center of town. My father, Carlisle, is a physician here. He and his wife, Esme, are not my biological parents but have served as my moral guidance and loving protectors for a great deal of my existence. We have lived together a long time, with my four siblings joining the family as the years went along.

Usually, I am assigned to the night shift because it is difficult for the hospital to find qualified staff to work nights. For most people, it's problematic to circumvent their normal rhythms and sleep during the day while staying awake and alert all night. That is not at all a challenge for me, nor for my father, as we do not sleep.

Occasionally, the director of the pharmacy will ask me to report for a different shift if there is a shortage of staff. It's easy for me to adapt to the day, evening or night schedules. I've noticed that each has its particulars, its singular characteristics, including staff who have either followed their individual biological preferences for their work hours, or – having failed to do so – constantly struggle with fatigue while at their job. I cannot often disguise my disdain for these people, since I know well they are liable to commit errors if they devote less than full mental and physical attention to their responsibilities. At the risk of sounding arrogant, I have a mind that works rapidly and can follow several trains of thought at one time. This enables me to quickly catch mistakes that others make while completing my own assignments. Despite the importance of an error-free health care environment, it has earned me the occasional enmity of my colleagues.

Nights are often a quiet time at the hospital, as they are nearly everywhere else. Usually, the shift spends its time filling prescriptions for emergency admissions or surgeries. Most of the time, one or two full-time pharmacists can handle the work load. The day shift, however, is a far different scene. Routine surgeries and new admissions take place during the day, which necessitates a fuller roster of employees. In the daytime, there are usually two full-time pharmacists present, plus a pharmacy technician and the hospital's Director of Pharmacy, Larry Twogood.

Larry had recently hired a young woman for the vacant third slot on the day shift. I'd heard some of the staff's thoughts about her – those who already had the chance to meet her. Larry was confident that she would work out well. Being the manager, he had to be concerned about more than her professional qualifications. He was careful in his judgment to try and ensure that the personality of any new employee would mesh well with others who routinely worked the same shift. Experience is the best teacher, and Larry's experience had taught him that he needed to be as cautious in this area as he did in ascertaining that a prospective employee was legally licensed.

I had earlier finished orders for prescriptions which came in overnight. I prepared a few bags of intravenous fluids necessary for surgery that would start prior to the day shift, and walked them over to the operating room. It killed another 15 minutes. I considered reading one of the books I kept stashed under my desk for these uneventful nights. When I sat back down, I looked carefully outside again to check the weather. The cloud cover had thickened even in the past 15 minutes. It was now raining, with no sign of the sun.

The pharmacy was organized with shelves of drugs along the back wall, fronted by one long counter with several computer terminals and phones where the staff worked to fill prescriptions. Three of us could comfortably sit there at one time. The overall room was quite large, with space for six small desks arranged in three rows in front of the counter. Each of the pharmacists who worked the three shifts had our own desk; the pharmacy technician, Rick, stayed at the counter.

In front of our desks, within the wall facing the corridor, was the prescription drop-off. It was the size of a waist-high, narrow table supported by shelving underneath it, and the upper half was a rolltop, similar to an old-fashioned desk or secretary. It always struck me as odd, because the pharmacy never closed – what need would we have to shut ourselves off like that? In any case, our desks as well as the counter faced the drop-off, which held baskets labeled for each floor of the hospital. At the far end inside of the pharmacy was Larry's small office, complete with a door – a perk of being the director.

I noticed the empty desk next to mine was dusty, so I wiped it off as a courtesy to the new employee. I had a good idea of what she looked like after glimpsing her in the thoughts of other employees in the hospital: a somewhat nondescript female with long brown hair, recently graduated from pharmacy school. Everyone was curious about a young woman who would move clear across the United States to take a job in Forks' hospital when certainly there were plenty of larger pharmacies along the East Coast. It was unfortunate that I couldn't block out these repetitive thoughts, although I had long ago learned how to manage the flow of conversations that constantly slipped into my head. I could push some to the background so they were softer, and could fine-tune others that might be of interest. Usually, I paid strictest attention in the event my family was in someone's thoughts or discussions. We are different from everyone else in Forks, and my skill at reading minds helped warn us if someone was coming dangerously close to comprehending exactly why we are different.

In addition to my parents Carlisle and Esme, I have two brothers and two sisters. In a way, we look very similar although none of us is related – not in the conventional sense of "related by blood," anyway. Initially attracted by our beauty, humans soon shy away from contact with us once their intuition kicks in and they feel uncomfortable, if not downright fearful. Fortunately, we are not nearly as harmful to them as we used to be. My family, led by the compassionate Carlisle, has learned to forego human blood in favor of animal blood. Although it is not as physically satisfying, it soothes the thirst as well as the conscience. We have each chosen to work at this lifestyle, and though it remains difficult to resist temptation, humans are usually safe around us.

It was nearly 8 a.m. I was back at my desk and I could hear Janice Imhoff, the other pharmacist on the day shift, coming up the hall to report for work. Short, compact and rather round, Janice lacked in personality what she possessed in knowledge. Although a capable pharmacist, she was unhappy with her life – at age 45, she had never married, and at this point her feelings of anger were running neck and neck with her loneliness. I had heard her thoughts often enough – acidic, critical, resigned, frustrated – to keep our conversations cursory and impersonal.

This morning, it wasn't just her thoughts I heard; she was also talking with someone whose verbal replies were soft and brief. I detected no thoughts to accompany those responses, though, and was curious about why this was happening. Based on their conversation, I realized that Janice was walking in with the new employee. They were rounding a corner and coming up the far end of the hall.

The talk was about parking and the convenience of the hospital's garage. Apparently our new colleague had worked in places that had surface lots, a nuisance in bad weather. "She's probably glad we have the garage so the rain doesn't ruin her clothes or her shoes. Probably goes shopping a lot; she's young enough," Janice was thinking archly. She promised to bring the girl over to the cafeteria later for coffee if Larry didn't have time to show her its location.

Their conversation had moved on to the need for hot coffee in a rainy environment like Washington State. I could tell by the gradual increase in the volume that they were getting closer, yet I still heard only Janice's thoughts. Odd. This was making me feel at an uncomfortable disadvantage, and I didn't like that.

But that was nothing compared to what I felt next. The two women walked along the open drop-off counter, and I could now see them filing past as they approached the door to the pharmacy. Janice's scent was familiar and uninteresting, and it was almost immediately overpowered in my lungs and throat by the aroma of the stranger next to her.

It was as if I was being assaulted by a force that was so strongly physical I thought I might lose consciousness, even though that was impossible. I am a vampire, and the dangers so common to humans were not even a nuisance to me. My skin was like a concrete sheath which nothing could penetrate, yet this aroma – the delicate, floral and unbearably delicious scent of the young woman's blood – was incapacitating me in a way that I had never experienced in the century of my immortal existence.

I regressed right into the monster I'd been years before I stopped feeding on humans. The scorching thirst bloomed in my throat, more persistent than any I'd ever felt even when failing to hunt for weeks at a time. My mouth immediately dried up and then, just as quickly, venom began collecting at the back of my throat, filling the bottom of my mouth and adding to the agony of the demand I felt for blood – her blood, the blood of this unknown girl who was now walking through the door, right after Janice.

She saw the desks and stopped in confusion, suddenly unsure of where she should go. As she halted her steps, the air around her stirred and danced, teasing its way over to me and torturing my self-control. I felt my disciplined existence slipping downward and away as surely as if it was sand balanced unevenly on a scale. I shut down my breathing and searched frantically for any shred of willpower I might muster.

Although it was mere seconds since she had walked in, I sensed I was already losing this battle and she was going to die. I knew she would come over to the empty desk, the one without a nameplate, take off her coat, put down her purse...and probably introduce herself. Two schools of thoughts immediately began warring in my head: how long could I hold my breath and appear normal so that I could safely leave the hospital without inflicting serious carnage? At the same time, I wondered how long would it take me to kill everyone else in this room – right now, that was Janice and Larry -- so I could get to the girl and kill her quickly, before she realized what was going on? The temptation, egged on by the swirling scent of her blood, gave the edge to the second set of thoughts.

I could dispose of Janice, lock the door so no one else could come in, move quickly into Larry's office, kill him and then grab the girl and crash through the window. It would take perhaps two seconds, total. But the drop off was open, and anyone walking by would see what was going on and would certainly hear the window. Plenty of people were arriving for the day shift, when most hospital employees worked. Could I pull down the roll-top too? It would only add another second to the time.

While I was figuring out the logistics of my attack, Larry stepped out of his office to greet the girl. "Hello, Bella! Welcome! Come on in!" he said warmly. She stepped into his office, leaving behind a fresh trail of scent that dissipated somewhat once Larry closed the door.

Janice had taken her seat at her desk. I could snap her neck in a fraction of a second. She was not my favorite person by far, but I would give her a quick death because she was merely an innocent bystander. I felt far worse about Larry, whom I respected and liked. Another thought, distant and dim while the monster within raged: if I was truly contemplating killing several blameless people at once, then the draw of this Bella's scent was stronger than any other blood I had encountered in all my years as a vampire.

It made me angry –another violence competing with the desire to kill for human blood – that she would have this _power_ over me, to cause me to release the fiend I had kept locked away for so long. Every skill I ever had for stalking and capturing human prey resurfaced as if they had never been subsumed by a moral calling. She walked past me and in three seconds had me contemplating destruction I'd worked for years to contain. It was as if the colossal effort to change myself, to curtail the natural vampire instincts I kept locked down, counted for nothing. And it fueled the desire to kill her, to nourish myself on the red flow within the warm, pulsing arteries along her graceful neck, when I realized how quickly I was ready to cast aside the hard-won fight to retain some humanity.

I could kill her. I _would_ have this! Maybe I could grab her hastily and break through the window, running away with her but not needing to hurt anyone else in the office. I could run to the woods, but the garage outside was not far away and I would have to pass a lot of cars driving to work. They would see me...others I knew and exchanged pleasantries with each day...and Carlisle was on duty today and would be arriving at any minute.

The thought of my father, whose love and support helped me maintain the vestiges of who I'd been as a human, gave me enough strength to harness the monster that was resurfacing so rapidly. I knew that he and Esme would love me no matter what, but this enormous transgression would mean we would have to leave Forks. My brothers and sisters would have to move again. Would they forgive me for uprooting their lives? We'd chosen Forks because the rainy climate enabled us to lead nearly normal lives. Where would we go now?

Janice smiled briefly at me and didn't seem to notice that I was holding my breath and smashing my hands under my desk so I could push my palms into the wood underneath the surface. I gave her a mangled grin and focused on keeping those hands steady so I would not catapult out of my chair and act without thinking. Bella's scent was so potent that my instincts took over, with my more human qualities receding far into the background. I had to hold on.

Larry's door opened and he pointed to the desk on my right, behind Janice. "You can sit here, Bella. We'll get you a name plate soon. Make yourself at home. I think, though, you need to check in with Human Resources? You'll need your parking decal, too," he said.

Bella held her coat over her arms and smiled at Larry. She walked in front of my desk and looked at me out of the corner of her eye. Larry went back in his office and didn't seem to notice that I hadn't introduced myself to Bella. I glared at this young woman, furious at her for making a mockery of the existence that I'd worked so hard to create. She regarded me with clear brown eyes that were now huge and round, and she stumbled a bit as she took in my expression. I realized again, through the haze of thirst and impulse and fury, that I could not hear her thoughts, though they were plain on her face. She clearly believed I was insane, or some horribly cruel aberration of a man. Either way, she was right.

It was 8 a.m. The change of shift saved her life. While I was focusing on Carlisle's teachings and using the images of my family to keep myself under control, my time in the pharmacy ran out. I grabbed my coat, stuck my head into Larry's office to mumble a goodbye, and ran out the door at a human pace, which was as fast as I dared to go.

I debated going to see Carlisle, and then decided to go outside first. The fresh air would help. Although vampires don't need to breathe, we rely on our sense of smell to detect change, danger, or even more pleasant or mundane things. Right now, my nose and throat desperately needed clean breaths. I would go into the woods to calm down and then return through a side door to find Carlisle.

I was outside when my cell phone rang. It was Alice, my younger sister. Technically, I was older than her by only a few decades, but her tiny frame and youthful countenance made her easily appear to be the high school senior she was pretending to be. Like me, Alice had a gift. She could see the future. Visions, unbidden, would come to her once a decision has been made or a course of action chosen. I knew she was calling because she'd seen something.

"Alice."

"Edward! What's going on? Are you all right? I just saw – I don't know, it looked like you were going to -- and then it got all hazy—

"It's okay. Nothing happened. I had a bit of a rough spot there with a new coworker, but I managed to deflect it. I'm heading out to get some air and then I'm going to see Carlisle." Already, the blunt dampness was soothing my head and my chest.


	3. Bella, Chapter 2

**The first meeting between Bella and Edward, now told from Bella's point of view.**

**Bella, Chapter 2**

I arrived at the garage with about ten minutes to spare. While walking to the hospital, I saw Janice, whom I'd met on my second trip to Forks Hospital. I waved to her and she greeted me with what I thought was a distinct lack of enthusiasm. I hoped I was wrong about that, but I was determined to get off on the right foot.

"Good morning – Janice, right?" I smiled at her.

"Yes, that's right. Good morning, Bella. Welcome to your first day." I told her how glad I was that Forks Hospital had a garage; my previous jobs had surface parking lots which exposed everyone to the weather. I figured this was a safe enough topic.

She was holding a travel mug containing what I assumed was coffee. Everyone here drank a lot of it; I'm sure the rain drove them to it. I asked her whether she typically brought her own coffee to work, and indicated that I needed to learn more about office policies.

"Do most people bring in their own? Can you go to the cafeteria for a coffee break?" The hospital in New Jersey where I'd previously worked was flexible on that point; you could grab something to eat or drink as long as the workflow permitted. I looked at Janice expectantly, only to see her staring back at me with an expression of disbelief. Too late, I realized I'd asked too soon about breaks – it gave her the impression that was among my first interests.

"I just forgot to bring some in with me today," I added hastily. Janice said she would show me the cafeteria if Larry Twogood didn't have the chance to take me around this morning. We walked through the hall past the dropoff counter and then entered the pharmacy.

I hesitated when I saw the desks. I assumed one had been assigned to me, but I didn't want to wander around like a lost child looking for my name. I glanced to my right and noticed one young man about my age who was sitting at one of the desks. He met my gaze and I quickly looked away, suddenly embarrassed. I could feel the heated blush spread through my cheeks.

I didn't want to be rude, but he had to be the handsomest man I'd ever seen. Even with my quick glance, I could see his features were flawless: an exquisite straight nose, a strong jawline, and lovely full lips. He had a slender but muscular build, and beautiful bronze hair that was perfectly tousled. His skin was a very pale white, and appeared to have an unusual chalky consistency. The overall effect was ethereal and unforgettable. I glanced at him again to get a better look at his eyes, and immediately regretted it.

He was now glaring at me with a hatred as intense as any I've seen. The eyes that I wanted to look at were hard and narrowed, and almost completely black. His eyebrows were drawn together in a scowl; his lips were pressed firmly together in an expression that was beyond disapproving. Before I dropped my gaze again, I noticed his hands were contracted into tight fists, the skin and tendons drawn straight around his knuckles. He quickly moved them underneath his desk, and I realized he didn't appear to be breathing. It seemed as if he was suffering from some form of tortured insanity.

Larry came out of his office to greet me, and I turned to him, grateful for the interruption. He welcomed me into his office and talked quickly about what was on schedule so far. He explained that Edward – pointing unnecessarily to the guy who had nearly eviscerated me with his glowering; he was the only other male in the room – had already filled most of the orders needed by the operating room. "The doctors start making their rounds later in the morning and early afternoon," he added. "More orders will come in around that time." Larry opened his door and motioned to the desk next to Burning Man, saying I could start to settle in.

Sensing Edward's hatred without understanding anything about it – or him – I walked to the desk self-consciously, tripping over my own feet. _What_ was going on here? I showered this morning. I didn't apply an inordinate amount of perfume, actually thinking that a cloud of fragrance wouldn't make a great impression. I noticed his nameplate: Edward Cullen. I kept my eyes down and moved to the desk next to him, which was clearly meant for me as it had no identification.

I hadn't hung up my coat yet, but I didn't dare move again to the front of the room, where a series of coat hooks were near the door. Some previously unknown instinct told me to stay exactly where I was. I set my coat aside on my desk and placed my purse carefully under it.

As a comical contrast to my own stumbling, Edward sprang up gracefully and took his jacket off the hook, stopping only to say goodbye to Larry. He moved with speed and agility, and in another impossibly quick couple of seconds, he was out the pharmacy door and gone.

How could I have made an enemy of someone before we'd even exchanged greetings? It really did seem that he hated me, and there was no mistaking that he was looking straight at me. Frustration and hurt knotted in my gut, and I could feel the tears beginning to well. What could I have done? Already I was blaming myself. This was the exact pattern I hoped to break with this huge change I'd made. I'd gone through the trouble of moving to a new state, and I wanted – well, if not improved habits, then at least new bad habits to fret over.

Janice hadn't turned around to look at me again. It didn't seem as if she'd noticed how Edward behaved toward me. Something about the set of her shoulders told me our relationship might already be determined. I felt cold now – not so much my skin, but on the inside. Suddenly, I could no longer push back the loneliness that had threatened to engulf me since I arrived in Washington. I was rejected out of hand in less than an hour by two of my coworkers. Familiar feelings of inadequacy overwhelmed me, wiping away the temporary bravery I'd felt since taking control of my life. Maybe I had done the wrong thing, a dumb thing, in coming here. I chided myself: less than ideal interactions with two people, and already you want to hop a plane back to Jersey? Give it a chance. At least Larry was very nice, and he didn't seem offended by me.

At that moment, the pharmacy technician arrived, apologizing for being late. "I got stuck at a traffic light behind a car that died out in the rain," he grumbled to no one in particular. Larry came out and introduced us. "Rick, this is Bella. She's our new pharmacist."

Rick stuck his hand out apologetically to shake mine. "Sorry – I'm not normally this grumpy. Really." He had a huge grin, and I immediately felt better. Here was another person who apparently didn't mind smiling, and also didn't seem to mind me.

"Larry, I don't mean to sound like I'm already mentally checking out here, but I didn't bring any coffee with me. Would you mind if I went to the cafeteria quickly? I'll be right back," I said.

"Of course not. Do you know your way there?" Larry replied.

"Not really," I said nervously, eyeing Janice's back. She still didn't turn around, either forgetting or ignoring her offer to get me to the cafeteria this morning.

"I'll go with you. I can use some coffee, too," Rick said.

"Thanks." I flashed a grin at him in spite of myself. He seemed so friendly and good natured. I hoped we would get along.

As we walked down the hall, I thanked him again. "Janice offered to show me around a little bit, but it looks like she's caught up in something," I said.

Rick laughed. "Caught up in herself, I'm sure. Is she already giving you the cold shoulder?"

I just looked at him quickly, wishing to affirm what I'd felt from her but not wanting to start off as a gossip with a new coworker. "She's pretty moody. Don't let it get to you. She's a hard worker, but she can be difficult," he added.

"I know I keep thanking you, but I have to say it again...thanks. I thought there was something wrong with me," I said, although I didn't mention that I'd gotten an even stronger impression of that from Edward. Something also told me not to bring him up. I decided then to forget the whole episode, and to perhaps start over again when Edward returned to the office.

Rick and I made some pleasant small talk heading back to the pharmacy. Blond and very tall, he was a few years older than me and attending night school for his pharmacist's degree. He told me his fiancee lived on the nearby Quileute Indian reservation, in a town called La Push. "She's a teacher at the elementary school there. She also does a lot of work with the kids at the recreation center on the reservation, and helps run the literacy program," he said proudly.

"Really? Do they need tutors?" I asked.

"They _always_ need tutors. Are you interested?" he replied.

"Sure. I tutored through Literacy Volunteers of America back in New Jersey. I'd love to help with a program here, too," I said.

"I can have her call you if you give me your phone number," he offered before veering off into a series of questions about why I came to little Forks, Washington. I didn't want to go into the gory details with someone I just met, so I told him I needed to make a change but didn't quite want to move to a big city like Seattle. I made a mental note to perfect the story so I could give the same version to everyone, realizing that I'd be faced with these inquiries very often in the near future.


	4. Edward, Chapter 2

**Edward, Chapter 2**

The fresh air and rain provided welcome relief. I thought at first that I would sit in my car, but going into the garage meant additional smells of exhaust and gasoline, and I was hanging on to clean air as if it was a lifeline. I wanted to pull myself together so that I could see Carlisle as soon as possible.

Fortunately, his office was in a corner of the hospital far away from the pharmacy, near the emergency room. He heard me, of course, before I walked through the door.

"Carlisle, I need to talk with you, please."

"Edward?" His calm demeanor changed to one of great concern as he saw my face. "What is it? What's happened?"

I sighed deeply. "Have you ever...Has the scent of any particular human ever been especially hard for you to resist?"

Carlisle's eyes widened in alarm. "Edward, did you –"

"No. Not now, at least. We have a new employee in the pharmacy today – Bella Swan - and when she walked in, I almost lost everything. Carlisle, I nearly took her right there, and killed everyone else in the process," I said, my voice shaking.

"But you didn't."

"No. I managed to hold on until it was time to leave. I went outside for air and then came right here to see you."

"I'm glad you did. I'm proud of you for resisting." He put his hand on my shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Edward. I see how difficult this is for you."

"I don't think I've ever experienced anything like this. After all this time of believing I've developed a good immunity to human scent, I find this enormous..._challenge_ right here where I work." I shook my head in disbelief.

Carlisle was silent for a moment. "I know you're upset and this is all fresh in your mind and your senses right now, but have you had the chance to consider what you want to do next?"

"I think I need to leave."

Sadness washed over my father's features. "For how long?"

"I don't know." I couldn't just quit my job at the hospital. It would be very unfair to Larry if I didn't at least provide some reasonable notice.

"Where will you go?"

"I'm not sure of that, either. Maybe up to Alaska to visit the Denali clan, or east to Idaho. I might camp in the woods."

"It's that bad, that you have to leave?" he asked.

"Yes, it is. It's not only _her_" – I almost spat out the word, so great was my frustration – "it's being so close to losing control. It's been so long since that's happened, and even then, the attraction was never this strong." I looked up at him. "If I hadn't had the discipline of our lifestyle all this time, I'm sure I would have given in. But I can't be certain how long my willpower will hold out."

"I don't want to minimize your discomfort. Perhaps the best thing is to get out of Forks for awhile," he said, and I could hear in his thoughts that he knew this would also be best for the young woman. "When are you scheduled to work another shift?"

"Not until the weekend. But Larry also asked me to fill in a couple of days next week while Janice goes out of town." The very thought of that – eight hours in the same room with Bella Swan – made me agonize about the situation all over again. Though brief, the memory of her scent was vivid enough to start the pain flaring in my throat once more. How would I endure it? Would I last? Would she?

"Well, that gives you the rest of the week, at least. Take the time and go where you need to. I know you can manage this. I believe you'll find a way," Carlisle said. My father's faith in me was unshakeable. I hoped I would live up to it. I was grateful that I could read his thoughts but that he could not read mine. I was incredibly ashamed at the humiliation I felt over all of this. I wanted my father to think that the only reason I'd leave town is because the life of a young woman, and not my pride, was at stake.

"Thank you, Carlisle." I managed to smile at him gratefully. "I'll try to explain this to the rest of the family. What time are you expected home today?"

"Around five, I think. We can all talk, if you wish."

"I'd like that. You can help them understand."

I walked to my Volvo to drive back to the house. Before my conversation with Carlisle ended, I'd already decided to wait until everyone was at home before I packed up and left. I especially wanted to see Alice, who I knew was still concerned about me despite my weak assurances on the phone earlier. I was probably closest to her, in no small part because our unique gifts were more pronounced than those of the other members of our family. My ability to hear thoughts, and the visions that Alice had, were truly assets in many ways, but they deprived us of whatever normalcy was possible in our immortal existence. Sometimes her visions came at an inopportune time, as when she was in school or we were otherwise in the company of humans. My mindreading extended to everyone, including my family, and they were well aware that I could "hear" every private moment of each individual.

Check that – my ability extended to _almost_ everyone. Today, for the first time, I found its limitation, ironically in a person who touched off every one of my other senses in a way that other humans never have. I could not get a read on her mentally, but her physical being overwhelmed me. What gods were mocking me today? After working so hard and so successfully to suppress the monster that I was, how could one insignificant mortal come so very close to breaking me? She could have ruined me and I would have dragged my family down with me. I felt the anger growing again, fury at a stranger who'd taken such control over me the second I was aware of her.

Alice and her mate Jasper would be in school until the afternoon, but the rest of my family would probably be home. Esme, Carlisle's wife, would hurt the most over my suffering and need to get away. She regarded us as her children, and we felt as much for her. She couldn't love us any more if she had borne us, and I already regretted causing her pain.

When I turned into our drive, I heard no one downstairs. Emmett was on the second floor, working on his computer. He is a freelance editor; he reviews sports manuals for coaches at the high school and college levels. It was a perfect vocation for my brawny, athletic brother, the strongest vampire I'd ever known.

"Hi, Emmett," I greeted him.

"Hey, bro," he said before turning around. My expression must have still been very dark, because the second he looked at me, he said, "Whoa. What happened? Somebody die?"

Emmett wasn't known for subtlety. "Almost. A new employee started in the pharmacy today. She definitely got my attention."

He laughed. "What, a human? How hot was she?"

"In the way you mean it? I didn't notice," I replied sarcastically, thought I suddenly realized that wasn't true. "Her blood, however, was very hot, and I'm sure completely delicious as well." I exhaled sharply through my mouth. "I almost lost it."

"Seriously? You? Man, it must have been really bad. So what did you do?"

"I nearly ripped up my desk instead. If it hadn't been 8 o'clock so I could safely leave, I think I would have taken her. I ran outside to clear my head and then went to see Carlisle."

"What did he say?"

"There's nothing much he could say. He sympathized, and he's worried about me, but I know he's also concerned about the girl. I think I'm going to go away for a few days. I'm not due back at the hospital until Saturday night. It's probably a good idea if I leave town," I said.

"Sure," he agreed. "You want company? We can go somewhere there's good hunting. How about the Cascades? Some bears might be out already." I could see Emmett's enthusiasm building.

"Thanks, Emmett, but I want to be on my own for this. Besides, don't you have plans with Rosalie?" They were the third couple in our household. Rosalie and I had a strained relationship on the best of days, and if I took Emmett away after she had other commitments for them, it wasn't going to improve.

"I think we're supposed to go to some of the museums in Seattle, if the weather cooperates. It can wait. She'll understand."

I didn't need mind-reading capability to know that Rosalie wouldn't be that generous, especially as far as I was concerned. "No, it's okay. But let me ask you – has this ever happened to you?"

He looked away. "Yeah. Once. It was about ten years after Rosalie found me. I was out walking near some of the farms where we were living in Idaho. There was a woman hanging clothes outside. She was alone. It hit me pretty hard, and before I even knew what I was doing, it was over."

I shuddered. It was almost the exact same situation I faced earlier today, although mine had a better ending. For now.

Emmett shrugged. "Look, what's so bad here? You've been really diligent for decades -- no mistakes. If one human dies…well, it happens all the time. No one has to know." He was trying to make me feel better, but as often happens with Emmett, it wasn't exactly coming out right.

"I can't be that cavalier about it. And, to be honest, I don't want to give in to that temptation. How do I know I'll stop after one?" I said.

He pushed his fist into my shoulder gently – well, gently for Emmett. "You worry too much. You walked away today, right? That has to count for something."

Sometimes I wish I could look at things as simply as Emmett does. "Where are Rosalie and Esme?" I asked.

"They've gone shopping. They're supposed to be home later this afternoon."

"Well, thanks for the idea. The Cascades is probably the best alternative. Look, we'll go hunting together another time," I said, thought I had no idea if I'd be around to fulfill that promise.

I went to my room and began to pull things together: my mp3 player, journals, books, changes of clothing. I wouldn't need anywhere near the amount of camping gear that was necessary for humans, but I decided to bring a tent so my belongings wouldn't get wet. Inevitably, there was snow in the Cascades this time of year. In fact, most of the park would still be closed for the winter season in the northern reaches, where I'd go for solitude. No matter. I wouldn't bring my car; I could run and be there in a few hours.

The garage held much of the equipment we'd accumulated since we moved to Forks. It was mostly a collection of props, since the supposed "camping trips" we took as a family were actually almost entirely hunting excursions for our sustenance. Other times, there were days of work or school missed because the sun was out. I knew there wouldn't be anyone else in the mountains of the park at this time, so even if the sun appeared, I didn't have to worry about being seen by humans. I could detect any park rangers who might come along through their thoughts or their scent, and be gone before they could find me.

Later in the afternoon, I heard Alice and Jasper's car pull into the garage. I was reading in the living room when Alice came bounding in.

"You're leaving," she said. It wasn't a question -- more like an accusation.

"Yes. I have to. Your vision this morning? It came uncomfortably close to being true."

"I don't see you doing anything else right now. Not as far as the girl is concerned, anyway. After I called you this morning, I kept checking. I'll look out for you," Alice said, her voice taking on a pleading tone.

"I can't trust myself, Alice. Thankfully, Bella Swan was at work all day. She'll be leaving soon. Right now, I don't even want to be in the same town as her," I said firmly.

Alice looked at me intently, her large eyes assessing my mood. "I don't think I've ever seen you this out of sorts. You have such good control, almost as much as Carlisle. This is serious, then?"

I sighed, again – I'd been doing that a lot today. "Yes. Call it intuition – although I know that's kind of your specialty." I smiled warmly at her. "It'll be best for all if I get away for a few days. Esme will be upset, but I'll be back. I'm pretty sure I'll be back, anyway," I amended.

Alice nodded and her eyes got the familiar, clouded look that came over her when a vision presented itself. "I do see you coming back. I just can't see what happens after that."

"I have to return to work later this week. I can't leave Larry with one less pharmacist. But I haven't figured out what will happen next." I put my arm around my tiny sister. "I may have to give notice to the hospital and leave for a much longer time."

Alice hugged me tightly. "Let's hope it never comes to that."


	5. Bella, Chapter 3

**Bella's first day in the pharmacy, continued: policies, practices, and a physician named Carlisle Cullen.**

**Bella, Chapter 3**

I spent the rest of the day getting to know the pharmacy and its procedures. Rick showed me the computerized logs used to enter and track information on all the drugs prescribed through the hospital. There was a small clinic for underinsured families on site, and although it had its own supply of medications, we helped with their records because of the volume of documentation needed for anything prescribed. So, yeah – lots of paperwork.

As Larry said, more prescriptions arrived later in the morning, after the doctors had the chance to do some rounds. Clerks from the three medical and surgical floors dropped off stacks of orders, which were then divided up among the staff. It would keep us busy for awhile.

I'd already given a little thought to how I could correct the course of my relationship with Janice. Maybe she felt threatened with someone else there, after she'd been the sole daytime staff pharmacist for months before I was hired. She struck me as the kind of person who derived a lot of self-worth from being the one whom others sought for information, or from simply having seniority. And although I hated to think this way, she could also be annoyed merely because I was a younger female. It happens.

I looked through the prescriptions on my desk and saw the one thing that never changes no matter what state I'm in: doctors' horrible handwriting. Some physicians in my previous workplace wrote so poorly, they made rounds with a nurse's aide who filled out the orders, which the doctor then signed. Here, though, it looked as if they all did their own. A few had the sense to print clearly; others wrote in such a hurry that their scrawl looked like a bad heartbeat.

This gave me an idea. "Janice?" I said, trying to make my voice sound firm but not aggressive. I figured she had to be approached with some reverence, but I also knew that if I appeared too deferential, she'd walk all over me.

"Yes, Bella?" She was up behind the counter dispensing pills.

"I'm going through my prescriptions and I'm not sure I'm reading the handwriting correctly. I'll bet you know these really well. Can I show them to you?" I hoped I was conveying respect for her experience without seeming to say, "You've been here a long time; you're old." I noticed that Rick smiled a little.

"Certainly. Let's have a look."

I walked around to step behind the counter when I heard someone say, "Good morning, Janice, Rick. Is Larry here?" The voice was smooth, melodic and soothing even in casual conversation. I looked toward the dropoff and gasped.

A doctor – with his commanding presence, he couldn't be anything else – was standing there, smiling at us. He had the face of a young god, minus the arrogance: flawlessly handsome, kindly, with a beautiful smile…and pale, chalky skin. The similarities between he and my nemesis from this morning were much too striking, even if their actual facial features were different. It couldn't be a coincidence. I knew there was limited sunlight in Forks, but there was only one other person I'd seen so far who had the same mix of perfection and icy pallor. I'd been trying to push my encounter with Edward to the back of my head so I could better concentrate on what I needed to learn today. This visitor reminded me how unsuccessful my efforts were.

"Oh, hello Dr. Cullen!" I was struck first by the name, and then by the sweetness that suddenly infused Janice's voice. "Larry's at a meeting right now. Would you like me to have him page you?"

"Yes, I'd appreciate that. Thank you." Dr. Cullen's gentle, golden-eyed gaze settled on me. "You must be the new employee." He smiled again, and honestly, it was like the sunshine you couldn't get outside in Forks.

"I'm Bella Swan. It's very nice to meet you," I said, returning the grin.

"Well, Bella, I hope you like it here." Was it my imagination, or was he somehow appraising me? There was an inquisitiveness in his eyes that went beyond the normal look of someone meeting you for the first time.

"Thank you. Everyone has been very kind," I responded. Well, almost everyone. Someone you know act that cranky all the time, doctor?

"I have a prescription order that I thought I'd bring over. It can be delivered to the emergency room whenever someone has the chance," he said, sliding the form across the dropoff table.

Since I was closest, I stepped over to take it. He waited there, watching me, and I noticed his head tip to the side very slightly, as if he was considering something about me. It wasn't at all unkind or leering, just curious. I could tell his smile was genuine.

"Will do," I said.

"Where are you from?" he asked me.

"New Jersey."

"Really! You've come a long way just to work here," he said, laughing.

"Well, Forks Hospital's stellar reputation extends clear across the country," I said, continuing the jest. "It is very different from my home state, but so far I like it. I may even be able to get used to the weather." It was difficult not to respond warmly to this man. Maybe it _was_ a coincidence and he wasn't related to Edward after all.

"I certainly hope so. But if you find the seasonal affective disorder gets overwhelming for you, be sure to see a doctor," he said, with mock severity.

I laughed. "Again, will do."

When he left, I looked at the order. He had the most elegant handwriting I'd ever seen, very similar to calligraphy. It looked like a style from a hundred years ago, and it was perfectly legible.

I stepped up to the counter, next to Janice. "Well, he seems really nice."

"Yes, he is. He's very charming, and very compassionate," Janice said, in an almost dreamy tone. I stole a glance at Rick, who looked like he was about to explode from holding in his laughter. "Everyone here loves him. He's an excellent doctor."

And so _handsome_. Those unspoken words hung at the end of Janice's comments.

I thought I'd take advantage of her currently mellow state. "Is he related to Edward Cullen, who I guess works nights?"

Rick answered, "Yes, he's Edward's foster father. Dr. Cullen and his wife Esme have been foster parents to five young people for years. They're a close-knit bunch. They do a lot of recreational activities together – camping, hiking and all that. When the weather's good, Dr. Cullen will often take the day to be with his family."

Janice sniffed. "It is a little strange that some of them are...in relationships with each other."

Rick gave her a sidelong glance. "They're not biologically related, Janice. There isn't anything wrong with it."

"It's just unusual, I suppose." She didn't elaborate, unwilling to speak more negatively about the doctor. Rick saw my expression of confusion and explained, "The Cullens adopted one set of brothers and sisters, plus three others who aren't related. Four of them are…well, I don't think dating is the right word," he mused. "Partners, I guess you'd say. Rosalie Hale is with Emmett Cullen. They're around 21, I believe, and they still live with Dr. Cullen. Rosalie's brother Jasper is with Alice Cullen. They're still in high school."

Before I could stop myself, I asked, "What about Edward?"

"Well, I don't know for sure that he isn't dating anyone at all, but he isn't with anyone else in the family," Rick said.

I nodded politely. I didn't bring up how Edward had treated me this morning. I was trying to reserve judgment on that until I had an explanation for it.

When it was time for lunch, I brought my newspaper to the cafeteria, anticipating that I'd eat alone on my first day. Instead, I wound up talking with a very sweet nurse named Becca, who introduced herself while we were standing in the cashier's line. I could see she was nearly as shy as I was, and I appreciated the effort it must have taken. I also realized, with some amusement, how little this town really is. She knew right away that I was the recent hire in the pharmacy. It couldn't have been just the lab coat which gave me away. People here had known each other for generations. An unfamiliar face like mine stood out. I wondered if that had anything to do with Edward Cullen's attitude, although his father seemed well liked even if he was also obviously different.

The drive home in the rental car reminded me that I'd have to start looking to buy my own vehicle soon. I had a little money scraped together for a down payment, but between that and the cost of the move, my savings would be seriously depleted. I hoped to find a reputable used car dealer around here. Maybe I could ask Becca or Rick, or even Larry.

Thoughts of my coworkers led again to the one I'd been trying not to think about. It was very frustrating to feel like I've been misunderstood, and to believe that someone was making judgments about me based on that misunderstanding. I had to assume that's what was going on here. What could he have believed about me that would inspire such sudden hate? Whatever it was, it had to be wrong. Forget trying a fresh start! I suddenly wanted to confront him. I contemplated finding his address and driving over there right after work tomorrow, to demand an explanation for his behavior this morning. I was sorry he wasn't working the 11 p.m. shift tomorrow night because if he was, there was a chance I would disturb his sleep late in the afternoon. Ha.

I knew I'd never do it, I just felt better imagining that I could. Yelling at him in my head wasn't as satisfying as facing him in person, but it did help calm me down. Anyway, even if I drummed up the nerve to face him, I would probably not get the words out right. I had a bad habit of losing my way when I had to defend myself. I became too emotional and couldn't think of what I needed to say.

It was especially difficult when I had to deal with someone who looked like Edward. "I hate really handsome men," I grumbled. He would probably render me speechless under normal circumstances. I wondered what he was _like_ -- if he glared at me like that because he was miserable, or if there was something truly wrong in his life. I shook my head to discourage any expectations of solving that enigma. I wasn't going to entertain some misguided notion that this man was lonely or adrift or otherwise had some gaping hole that only I could fill. I couldn't afford such fantasies any more. Now that I had all kinds of distance from Bill, I saw how much I'd misjudged our relationship, mainly because of such assumptions. I believed I'd had something to offer, and I thought he wanted it. I could have saved myself a world of hurt if I had been more practical. But apparently, I'm not good at pairing romance with common sense.

Well, Bill was no longer my concern, and while it was painful to realize that, I knew the pain would get better with time. Would anything improve with Edward? At the least, we did have to work together. I noticed on the posted work schedule that Edward would be back on the night shift this weekend. So, I'd very likely see him again Monday morning. I had some time to plan what, if anything, I would say to him.

For now, I should just plan my evening. I'd made a vow that I would cook regularly, particularly dinner, even though I'd be alone for the foreseeable future. If I set that type of routine, I'd be much less likely to get depressed. It took some effort to take care of myself when I was on my own. I told myself that it would all be a part of building up my own self-esteem. It would be healthy physically and emotionally – two benefits for one effort.

I really liked the kitchen in my new apartment. It was bigger than the one I'd had in New Jersey, and the extra room to maneuver motivated me when it came to preparing food. I rubbed some garlic and herbs on a few chicken breasts and put them under the broiler. I didn't have a microwave, so I cut some red potatoes into large chunks and set them to boiling on the stove. Now...frozen vegetables, or fresh cauliflower? I pulled out some green beans from the freezer, because the cauliflower florets were just too white. I couldn't get away from pale today.

Certainly, I needed more activities to keep myself busy. I'd have to start riding my bike as soon as weather permitted. Not that I'd wait for a sunny day – the bike would fossilize before that happened, I thought grimly. I just needed better gear so I could ride when there wasn't a prohibitive downpour. There was a sporting goods center, Newton's, right outside of town. I could go there for a rain jacket. The terrain was so hilly around here, I had not doubt I'd improve my endurance as long as I got myself out the door and onto the bike.

Rick had also made the offer to give my phone number to his fiancee so I could volunteer for the literacy program she coordinated on the Indian reservation. Tutoring had always been so rewarding. I couldn't imagine my life without reading, and I wanted to help anyone who didn't know that joy. Seeing the progress a student made, and watching the pride in their own accomplishments, was more satisfying than nearly anything else I'd done. In fact, it gave me such pleasure, I almost felt selfish for doing it.

Ever since I decided to move here, I'd vowed to learn more about American Indian society and legends. I had a perfect opportunity right down the road from me. I love history, particularly as it pertains to architecture and culture. I might have seriously pursued architectural history as a vocation, except that I was pushed in another direction by my father, who wanted me to get a degree in a field where I was more likely to find work. Initially, my dad and I knocked heads about this, but as often happened, I gave in. I conceded that he had a point about the importance of employment opportunities. I'd always been good at math and science, so I decided to study pharmacy. I like the idea of helping people, too, without having to deal with the blood and gore of other health professions. And I could always study history on my own time.

Fortunately, I have a laptop computer, so I started researching the Washington State Historical Society and the Clallam County Historical Society, and I also checked the address of the local library. If I had a game plan for the coming weekend, I'd feel better. I would take my bike out for its inaugural ride in Washington State. And a schedule of places to visit and research to conduct would help me feel connected, and right now, I desperately needed to be connected. It was too tempting to stay holed up in my apartment all the time, leaving only to go to work or the supermarket. I couldn't become a hermit here; it would be that much harder to come out of my shell as time went on.


	6. Edward, Chapter 3

**Edward reflects on his encounter with Bella.**

**Edward, Chapter 3**

I stood on the craggy edge of a glacier along the side of the appropriately chosen Mount Fury. I've been here several days, arriving Monday night in time to see the moonlight envelope the Cascades in wide, silver swaths. Now it was noon, and the sun was out. Bright rays reflected off the snow and ice that dominated the landscape as far as my eyes could see. Later today, I knew the mountains would become even more magnificent as they absorbed colors from the setting sun: gold, then orange, then purple. I enjoyed these spectacles of nature each day I was here. It was soothing; it showed me there was still something right about my world.

Mount Fury was among a group of peaks in the Cascades that was not far from the Canadian border. Some of the others in this location bore names like Mount Challenger, Mount Terror, Mount Triumph, and incredibly, Mount Despair. I wondered what had inspired these names, and who had chosen them. Later today, I would hike Mount Terror to see if it lived up to its description. I would studiously avoid Mount Despair, not wishing to tempt fate.

Surprisingly for me, it was pleasant being without a schedule. At home, I usually organize every day according to what I want to do. It helps to have structure when you are awake for 24 hours and the days and nights are seamless. The only real physical requirement for a vampire is the hunt, and hunting animals isn't as complicated as if we fed on human blood. That leaves a lot of time to fill, which is one reason I chose to work even though I don't need the income. During the day, I read in the morning and then practice my music. I've played the piano and the guitar since before I became immortal, and thankfully, those are human skills I'd been able to retain. I also write in my journals every day and spend time with my family: helping Emmett with editing, discussing architecture and renovations with Esme, and talking to Carlisle about anything. My father has learned and witnessed a great deal in his 300 years on earth. I would consider myself extremely fortunate if I was able to emulate even a fraction of his compassion and pursuit of knowledge.

Of course, my situation differs from the rest of my family in one major respect: without a mate, I don't need to make concessions on my time. I'd told myself over the years that the freedom to live out my existence exactly as I chose was just what I wanted and needed. I didn't like the weakness that came from admitting to loneliness, but here in the mountains – alone, of course, with much free time – it was harder to deny.

I'd come here to run away from something. That's also not an easy admission for me, but I knew I had to be honest. I wished I had been strong enough to render this trip unnecessary. But at least I'd made the right choice. I left essentially because I didn't want to hurt a human. Mission accomplished – I was several hundred miles from Forks, without having given in to temptation. The trouble was, what should I do next?

When I departed the hospital Monday morning, I was blaming an innocent girl for the anger I felt at myself. Here, with the benefit of mental clarity from the mountain air and my solitude, I knew that was irrational. She had done nothing to deserve my hatred. It wasn't as if she intended to torture me with the scent of her warm blood and inviting blushes. Surely she was wondering why I reacted that way to her. She'd looked at me as if I'd lost my mind.

I may have put my family in jeopardy with that horrible first impression. It would be irresponsible to ignore the need to set it right. Perhaps Bella's imagination was conjuring up all kinds of crazy reasons for my behavior. I couldn't read her mind, so I wasn't sure of what she was thinking. I would have to find another way to determine if she was growing suspicious of us.

That meant talking to her, and in all likelihood, befriending her. I'd have to gain her trust. I didn't know if I was strong enough for that. I had worked all these years to conform to a compassionate lifestyle, despite the inherent difficulties of doing so. Did I have the willpower to maintain a relationship with her? And what did I have to offer her, besides a constant threat to her life? I supposed I could serve as resource of information on Forks and the hospital. She was new; she would want to know more about the town and her workplace.

I began warming to that idea. I told myself it would be a kind of experiment, another foray into the sciences as it affected my species. I would be conducting research on myself, on my reactions to Bella. Of course, I would never let her know that. I would let her think I had only a gentlemanly interest in easing her transition to her new home. I could even help shield her from Janice's acidic behavior. I'd let slip a comment now and then, to show her I was aware that Janice could be harsh and that she shouldn't take it personally. A friend would do that sort of thing.

Friendship. Be friends with Bella Swan? I was not a good or safe friend for any human, to put it mildly, and I hadn't been friends with a human since I was one. Certainly, I had a number of acquaintances, but it was all part of the masquerade. Everywhere we'd lived, I was careful to establish cordial relationships with people I had to spend time with outside of my family, and I supposed you could say I'd even grown fond of some, like Larry. It was necessary to maintain our cover. But truly, I never wanted to be _friends_ with any human in the time of my immortality. For one thing, there was always the concern about losing control. For another, I'd heard too much of their internal lives, and I was repelled by the pettiness, jealousy, avarice and stupidity that characterized human makeup. Now I'd found someone whose mind I couldn't hear. It would take some effort to discern her thoughts without my talent. Her intellect seemed to work differently than other humans. Were her thoughts and her character also different -- better, maybe?

I was shocked to find the idea intriguing. I recalled that first time I'd seen her, the images making me cringe because of the appalled expression on her face. At the time, my energy and attention had been sharply focused on keeping myself together and not killing her. But I realized that I noticed more about her than her fear. Her eyes, open so wide with terror, were a lovely and warm gentle brown. I had seen the rapid blush that suffused her cheeks when she stumbled – of course, I noticed that. Now, however, as she was frequently in my thoughts, I also saw how charmingly it tinted her otherwise pale, translucent skin. When she removed her jacket but hadn't yet put on the shapeless white lab coat, I could see she was appealingly petite.

She was attractive. I must not have been aware of this when I'd first seen her face in the minds of several hospital employees. For a moment, this made me question the accuracy of my ability. I knew, though, that while I could gain an extremely precise picture of whatever may be in someone's head, it still could not compare to the clarity of the actual subject. There was no substitute for the real thing, and that's as it was with Bella.

I wanted to get to know her, to explore her personality and discover her thoughts the hard way – the _normal_ way – but I had no sure idea how to do it. That wasn't simply because my experience with women was limited, to say the least. I could remember very little of what my social life was like when I was human. As a vampire, I hadn't found any woman who interested me enough to consider her as a potential mate. So, there was a certain lack of practice when it came to successfully interacting with females.

There was also the significant complication of my deadly thirst for Bella's blood.

I would always be a danger to her. It was horribly selfish of me to even consider wanting her friendship. Perhaps, if I could remember that I needed to watch for signs that she recognized my family as the vampires we are, then – ironic as it was -- I might be able to subdue my inhuman urgings.

Of course, if I killed her, we wouldn't have to worry about her at all. But that would be unfair to Bella Swan.

I laughed out loud at myself. Unfair? What a horrible understatement! I pushed away those thoughts of killing and returned to the matter at hand:

_What are you going to do?_

I began to distill this lengthy conversation I'd been having with myself all week. I was deeply concerned for my family's safety, enough to ignore my thirst for her blood and instead try to plumb her uncooperative mind. As I was being honest, I admitted I felt an attraction towards Bella that was surely at odds with my monstrous instinct to take her life. When I remembered what Janice thought of her, an unfamiliar feeling of protectiveness surged in my empty chest. Would that be enough to keep her alive? Did I dare to try?

I believed I wanted to. I wanted to conquer the raw, uncivilized hunger that was forcing me to run. I wanted to be a man who would rise and bravely meet a challenge. And I wanted to find out more about this previously undetected emotional side of my immortal existence.

I knew now I would go back. It was as if I'd given myself permission to return. I only hoped I would recognize if my resolve grew so weak that I had to leave again, perhaps permanently. Carlisle's faith and Alice's visions would only go so far to assist me. The rest – the most – was up to me.


	7. Bella, Chapter 4

**Bella's first visit to the La Push Indian Reservation. Also: vampires can be so _moody._**

**Bella, Chapter 4**

It became obvious very quickly that I had to get serious about buying a car. I was racking up some pretty stiff charges with the rental, as I found out when I checked my account online. The clerk at the airport had given me an estimate, but I knew that didn't often square with exactly what I'd wind up paying. If I kept the rental through the month, it would cost me several hundred dollars more than the original quote.

Larry and Rick both recommended Mooney's, a dealer on Route 110. "If you find a car you like, I know a mechanic who'd look it over for you. He'd probably appreciate a little cash," Rick said, laughing, "but he'd give you an honest and educated opinion."

"Is he near Forks?"

"Yes, actually, he's one of the young guys from the reservation whom Ellen knows." Ellen was Rick's fiancee. "His name is Jacob Black. He and his dad Billy own a general store in La Push. You can probably find him working there, or on a car somewhere near. They live behind the store."

"Sounds good," I said. "I think I'll go this weekend to meet him. I've been curious to see the reservation anyway."

Medication orders were coming in at a brisk pace, and I was grateful to keep busy. It's really the best way to learn the job. I also organized my desk, placing a few pictures of my nieces and nephew and setting out a small plant that I hoped would thrive under fluorescent light. And I did my best not to think about Edward Cullen.

Much to my embarrassment, one of the staff from the hospital's Public Relations Department cornered me in the cafeteria on Thursday. "Hi there! I'm Tom Boylan," he said, grabbing my hand and shaking it vigorously. "You're Isabella Swan, right? Our newest employee?"

"Yes, but I prefer Bella," I replied, smiling a little. I found myself constantly walking a fine line: wanting to be friendly so I didn't seem snobby, but also not wanting to encourage more contact than I could stand. I really didn't enjoy being the center of attention.

"I'd like to write an article about you for our newsletter, the Forks Healthcare Reporter," he said enthusiastically. He was not much taller than I, but what he lacked in height he apparently made up in energy. His blue eyes blazed with excitement. I had the feeling he'd be just as animated if he was selling tea cozies.

"Oh...um, no, please," I demurred. I smiled again, hoping it would keep the edge out of my voice. "I'm very uncomfortable with things like that."

"But people want to read about you. Everyone already knows you're here, and they're curious about what brought you to our hospital, why you chose Forks -- all of that fascinating stuff. We can take a great picture of you!" He was trying to be persuasive.

"No, really. I don't want to be unreasonable, but I'm very shy. Seeing my own picture on the front of the newsletter could trigger a psychotic episode. I would hate to start off that way," I said in a hushed tone.

Tom stared at me with a blank expression on his face. I waited patiently while he decided whether I was kidding.

"Ha ha! That was good. You can run, but you cannot hide, though," he said teasingly, as he turned to walk out of the cafeteria. "I'll come by and see you in the pharmacy soon." He winked at me like he expected that declaration would thrill me.

If only I could predict the future, I'd call in sick the day he planned his visit. Having my personal life splashed all over the front page of some publication? Not appealing. I turned back to face the cafeteria tables, even though I'd finished my lunch and needed to return to my desk. By giving Tom a head start, I wouldn't have to walk down the hall with him.

I'd probably appreciate the attention more if my recent relationship flameout hadn't made me leery of men. Larry and Rick were fine – they were married or very close to it, and that meant they were safe. Encounters that could turn romantic made my stomach flip. I had no idea if Tom or any other available male here felt more than a professional curiosity about me, but I wasn't ready to chance it. Instinctively, I shied away from them. My run-in with Edward earlier in the week had also rattled my already-shaky confidence. I'd almost convinced myself that those daggers coming out of his eyes were because he thought I was unattractive or otherwise annoying.

Friday got off to a bad start. Shortly after we all arrived at work, the pharmacy received an order which Janice placed for bags of intravenous fluids from the hospital's central supply unit. A staff assistant, Pete, brought several cases to us on a hand truck. Unfortunately they were the wrong kind; Janice had requested another type that was used frequently to mix with medications which had to be administered intravenously.

Poor Pete stood there like a little kid while Janice pushed the requisition slip at him. "It says 5% here. The cases say 10%. Can't you read?" she snapped.

I had previously met Pete and found him to be sweet but also child-like; I think he may be somewhat mentally disabled. That made it all the more difficult to sit at my desk and tolerate what she was doing. I didn't want my silence to be interpreted as sanctioning her behavior.

"Janice, it's a simple mistake. I'm sure Pete can go back downstairs and get the right order," I interjected. I smiled encouragingly at Pete, who brightened and grinned back at me.

Predictably, Janice was furious. So much for my efforts at getting our working relationship on a better footing. When she sat back down at her desk, I could practically see plumes of steam rise off of her. My stomach clenched from my usual unease with confrontations, but I was glad I spoke up. It wasn't Pete's fault, and Janice's treatment of him was wrong and unfair.

The atmosphere in the pharmacy became icy and silent. When Janice left for lunch, Rick came around to my desk. "Allow me to shake the hand of the person who finallycalled Janice out on her bullying," he said softly, so Larry couldn't hear.

I sighed. "Yeah. I couldn't help it. I'm sure she's never going to forget this."

He nodded. "Probably not. But you did the right thing," he said admiringly. "People who have worked here for years don't fight back when she gets like that. Who knows? Maybe she'll steer clear of you now."

I laughed. "I won't get my hopes up.'

Janice remained quiet the rest of the day, and continued working without saying anything more to Rick or I. In the afternoon, the Emergency Room called us to restock some of their medications. This was also something handled by the pharmacy. Since I hadn't seen the ER yet, I offered to bring the additional painkillers they requisitioned. I entered the information in the logs, then wandered through the hospital, determined to find it on my own and hoping that the effervescent Tom Boylan had buttonholed someone else to interview.

The activity in the ER was subdued – there was one teenager with an injured arm, and an elderly woman dozing on a gurney, with an oxygen tube around her face. A tall, dark-haired young man came walking out from behind a curtain hung along one of the patient rooms. "Can I help you?" he asked pleasantly. His eyes immediately scanned my face with the questioning look I'd come to recognize when I encountered someone in Forks for the first time.

"Oh, hey, you're the new girl in the pharmacy!" he almost yelled without waiting for me to answer. Had he really just called me "the new girl"? Oh, _no_. "Isabella, right?"

"Bella," I corrected automatically. "Yes, I'm the new... _pharmacist_ here." I tried not to say it too pointedly, hoping he would get the message anyway.

"Okay. Bella, then. I'm John Blackhorse," he said. John was almost as tall as Rick, but with dark brown hair and eyes. He did have a friendly smile. I had to admit I was impressed with how cheerful most people were here in Forks. It gave me hope that I really would adjust to the rainy climate.

"Nice to meet you, John. Are you a nurse?"

"No, I'm the orderly on the day shift. Did you come to drop off that medication?" he asked, gesturing to the boxes I held in my hand.

"Yes, I was looking for an RN so I could sign them over to your department. Is anyone available?"

"Sure, I'll get Carol, the charge nurse. Wait here."

I looked around the ER, which was quite smaller than others I'd seen. The standard equipment was there, of course: crash carts, oxygen equipment, poles for hanging bags of intravenous fluids, wheelchairs, cabinets stocked with tools for all sorts of invasive procedures. A large message board at the central desk had a handwritten schedule of doctors for all three shifts. I saw a note in blue marker which said Dr. Cullen was due to work overnight starting Sunday at 11 p.m., and that this was a change from his original schedule. He had previously been slotted for work several days during the week – listed in black marker – but then, the blue writing indicated again that he'd reworked his schedule to come in during the day next Friday. It looked as if he'd intentionally switched so some of his time at the hospital next week coincided with Edward's hours. I wondered why.

When the end of the day brought a close to my first week at Forks Hospital, I decided to give myself a "B+" for my on-the-job performance. I learned a lot, remembered people's names, and made very few mistakes – chief among them riling up a cantankerous senior employee and stealing furtive glances at a handsome pharmacy colleague who had an intense, incomprehensible hatred of me. Because Janice deserved what she got, I decided to blame Edward for depriving me of a self-awarded "A." Just another irrational reaction to an irrational person.

I remembered that I'd have to see him on Monday morning. Could I avoid getting apprehensive about that while simultaneously preparing what I might say to him? Probably not. I pushed away those thoughts as best I could and focused on the weekend.

Saturday's to-do list included car shopping and a trip to La Push. I got a later start than I wanted. Waking up early in the morning is usually difficult for me, and since I didn't have to be at work, it was easy to ignore the alarm clock. Before I knew it, the time said 10:30 a.m. After I'd showered and dressed, I stopped downstairs to check on Mrs. Farrelly. I had been looking in on her all week because she developed bronchitis. This morning, I asked her if she needed anything; I knew she didn't like to drive, and it was easy for me assist with that. She mentioned that her doctor gave her a prescription for an antibiotic, so I offered to get it for her. Although she protested, I insisted on taking care of it before I left. I knew that if she didn't start her dosage right away, she could quickly get worse. It was 1 p.m. by the time I left Forks with my own plans, and I had more errands to take care of after I returned. I realized I probably wouldn't have the time to see much of the Quileute reservation and First Beach, but at least I could try to find Jacob Black and talk about the car.

The drive along Route 110 was pretty, with enormous evergreens lining the road. Although the cloud cover made the distant mountains very hazy, the delicate grey mist added ghostly beauty to the forest. I took my time, enjoying the ride and the lovely surroundings. Washington's landscape was so different from my home state. The undeveloped areas of western New Jersey along the Kittatinny Range could not compare to anything now before my astonished eyes. These forests and mountains were so vast, and so green.

The used car dealer was located on the way to La Push. Steve Mooney introduced himself by saying, "You're new around here, aren't you?" I guess it really was that obvious. On the other hand, maybe it meant he knew local families because they had been buying cars from him for ages, and that had to be a good sign.

He led me to a Subaru Forester that was just a couple of years old. I took it for a test drive, and it had relatively low mileage and a smooth drive. This was a definite possibility. It looked like my bicycle might fit in the hatchback, but if even if it wouldn't, the car already had a rear hitch that could support a rack. That was a big plus for me. I was looking forward to cycling through different areas of the state, and I'd need a suitable vehicle to haul my bike around.

The reservation was less than half an hour away from Forks, and La Push General Store was just inside the boundary. It resembled a large log cabin, with a wide porch that had a number of chairs occupied by older American Indian men. Some were eating; others were smoking and talking. They all looked up as I drove into the parking lot and pulled into a space.

I locked my car, then turned to face a collectively intense, silent stare from all of them. Their expressions didn't change and their dignified gaze never left me as I walked to the steps. I smiled in a way that I hoped didn't reveal my self-consciousness and asked, "Is this the store owned by Jacob and Billy Black?"

One of the men closest to the door nodded his head once, his silver braids moving down the front of his plaid shirt. His deep eyes were almost obscured by the prominent, proud cheekbones in his weathered face. He could have been 60 years old, or 100. I couldn't tell.

Somehow, I sensed this response might be all I'd get from him. I smiled again and stepped inside.

The store had a small number of aisles with groceries stocked on the shelves. A refrigerator unit to the right held fresh produce. I walked to the back and saw another refrigerator case with deli meats and cheese. It made me realize I was hungry."Hello?" I inquired uncertainly. Behind the deli case I could see a doorway, where a rustling noise sounded like someone was unwrapping something. "I'll be right with you," a voice called -- the voice of an older male, not a youth.

Suddenly, an Indian man with a broad smile appeared right before me. He had clear, dark eyes in a perfect almond shape, sharply outlined against the rest of his face. "What can I do for you, my dear?" he asked.

"I'd love a sandwich. What kind of bread do you have?" I asked.

He wore a broad, cowboy-style hat with a silver buckle on the front, embedded with small turquoise stones. The top of it bobbed up and down as he checked the options behind the counter. "We've got rye bread, whole wheat, and good old-fashioned round rolls if you're not too concerned about carbohydrates," he said cheerfully.

I pretended to consider this all very seriously. "I'm throwing caution to the wind and eating what I want. Give me a roll," I said.

"Thatta girl! What sandwich meat would you like?"

I ordered turkey breast, and while he ran it through the slicer he said, "I don't believe I've seen you before. Are you visiting?"

"No, I just moved to Forks. Are you Billy Black?"

"Yes, ma'am. I hope someone recommended that you come here for my sandwich expertise," he said, teasing.

"I'm afraid not, but I'll be glad to start the rumor," I said, and he laughed in response. "I understand that your son Jacob lives here with you. I'm actually interested in his mechanical skills. I need to buy a car, and he was recommended to me by Rick Sandoval."

Billy's face brightened. "Oh, Rick! Sure. How do you know him?"

"I just started at Forks Hospital, in the pharmacy. Rick and I work together during the day," I explained.

"Ah, that's good. Rick and Ellen are great people," he said.

"I haven't met Ellen yet, but I'm sure you're right, especially if she's anything like Rick," I said.

"Indeed, she is. Let me finish this sandwich for you, and I'll take you around back. Jacob's there working on a car now," Billy added.

I grabbed an iced tea and a bag of chips and set them on the counter before pulling my wallet out of my purse. Billy rang up my lunch and then put everything in a brown bag for me.

He directed me around the deli case and said I could come straight through the back to get to the garage. The small room there was part work area, where non-perishables were stored, and part kitchen, loaded with personal items like dirty dishes, dirty mugs, food-encrusted silverware, and a table with a tablecloth that had seen better days. We walked past a living room and another hall, then headed out the back door that led to a yard and a garage. "Jacob!" Billy boomed. "Someone here to see you about a car!"

A younger voice responded, "What?"

"She wants your help with a car!" He pointed toward the garage where the voice was coming from, although I couldn't see anyone there. "Miss, you can head right over. Jacob's in there somewhere."

"My name is Bella Swan. It's been so nice to meet you," I said.

Billy gave a slight bow and smiled. "Pleased to meet you as well, Bella. I hope you come to see us again." He turned and walked back to the store. His long black hair fell past his hat, reaching halfway down his back.

I walked cautiously into the garage. "Hello? Jacob?"

"Just a sec -- I've got to lower this off the jack," said a disembodied voice from the rear of an old Volkswagen Rabbit with its hood raised. Suddenly, I saw something move in the back of the garage. All that was visible, however, was an enormous bright smile. As Jacob moved toward me, I saw more of his features. He had lovely russet skin, high cheekbones like his father, and brilliant black eyes that were round and lively. His thick, glossy black hair hung past his shoulders.

"Hi. I'm Bella Swan," I said, offering a handshake.

"Hi, Bella. Sorry I can't shake your hand. I don't mean to be rude, but I've been working on the car all day, and it _would_ be rude to get grease all over you," he said, grinning.

"Are you rebuilding this VW?" I asked.

"Yeah, for about the past three years," he said, laughing. "Just when I think she'll go, I need another part. But I'm sure you didn't come all the way to La Push to hear about that. What can I do for you?"

"Rick Sandoval recommended you. I have to buy a car, and I need someone who knows what they're doing so I don't get stuck with a lemon," I explained.

"Oh yeah, Rick. That's Ellen's fiance," he said, smiling even wider. "Nice guy."

"Yes, he is. I work with him at the hospital," I replied. It was good to hear the strong confirmations of Rick's character. I was gratified that my intuition about him was right. Plus, his fiancee was sounding just as cool.

"Right. You're not from Forks, are you?" he said, his curiosity finally getting the best of him.

"No, I just moved here a short time ago. I'm from New Jersey," I said, smiling and waiting for the reaction. It was the first time I'd volunteered that information before someone asked. Jacob seemed so cheerful; it was easy to be around him.

"New Jersey! What the heck did you come all the way here for?" he asked, laughing.

"Long story. And not a very interesting one, I'm afraid," I said, averting my eyes. I wasn't exactly prepared to confide in him. Thankfully, he didn't push for more personal details.

"Anyway, Rick suggested I try Steve Mooney's car sales, and I found a Subaru Forester that looks promising. Would you come with me to take a look at it? I would be very happy to pay you for your time -- at least enough to buy a few, um, spark plugs?" I said, gesturing toward the disabled Rabbit.

"Sure. I don't have another ride, though. When would you like to go?"

"I can pick you up. How about either Wednesday or Thursday night?"

"Thursday at 7 would work. My dad can handle the store by himself at that hour. Mooney's pretty legit, by the way," Jacob added. "He checks and fixes cars before he sells them."

"That's good to know," I said. He was looking at me quite intently, so that made it a little frightening to say the next few words, even if they were important. "If something comes up and you can't make it, here's my cell. Just call and we can reschedule if you need to," I said, scribbling the information on the back of the receipt Billy had just given me.

He raised his eyebrows and smiled again. "Okay, then. See you Thursday?"

"Yup." I smiled in a way that I hoped was not at all suggestive. I did not want him to get the wrong idea because I'd given him my phone number. "Thanks again. "

I started to walk away and then remembered my manners. I turned around and said, "Nice meeting you," only to see he was still watching me. I'd hoped he moved to resume work on the Rabbit.

"You too," he replied.

Still, he seemed like a very decent kid. With most of the other men I'd met so far, I felt uneasy if they seemed intrigued. Jacob appeared straightforward, like someone trustworthy who wouldn't know how to be dishonest. It was gratifying to know there were men like that out there.

After returning to Forks, I ran over to Newton's to pick up some biking gear. They had a suitable hooded rain jacket that wasn't too expensive. It was bright yellow, so I would be easily visible to drivers along the road. Biking here would probably be a challenge, but I'd do it. Maybe, before too long, I could manage the ride to and from La Push. In the summertime -- if Forks had a summertime -- I could sit on the beach, even if I couldn't swim.

The last day of my weekend went nearly as planned. It was too rainy to take a bike ride, so I finished my laundry and spent a leisurely few hours preparing a large pot of marinara sauce. My kitchen and bedroom have windows which look directly out on a rear deck that runs the length of the house, along the second floor. It was big enough to fit a patio table and a few chairs. Mrs. Farrelly's yard included several enormous evergreens, which no doubt provided a home to some of the birds I'd heard in the mornings and evenings. As I worked at the sink or stove, I frequently glanced outside, appreciating the dense greenery. It was an inviting setting, and I held fast to a hope that the weather would someday cooperate so I could sit outside with my coffee and read.

When my phone rang unexpectedly on Sunday evening, I nearly jumped out of my skin. For one wild moment I thought it was Jacob Black, because he was the only one besides Larry who had my phone number. Then I remembered I had also given it to Rick.

Thankfully, it was Ellen, Rick's fiancee. We had a good conversation about the literacy program and the resources she used with her students. They utilized the same workbooks I was accustomed to from New Jersey. Ellen told me there were about 30 people enrolled in the program; most of them were older adults, with a few younger dropouts who were working toward their GEDs. I offered to meet her Thursday at the reservation's recreation center; I explained that I would be dropping off Jacob anyway, after we checked out the Subaru.

"Oh, right -- Rick told me about that. Jacob can really help you; he knows his stuff. You'll probably see him around the rec center, too -- lots of young people hang out there. He plays basketball with his friends," Ellen said.

She seemed friendly, capable and organized, even over the phone. I had a feeling I'd enjoy working with her. Score another one for Rick. I realized that at this point, the people I liked in Forks were outnumbering the people I didn't much care for. That was a good sign.

I didn't sleep well on Sunday night, thanks to anxiety over Edward and Janice. I couldn't stop trying to anticipate what I'd encounter when I arrived at work the next day. I had to admit to myself that, nervous as I was, I did want to see Edward again. The same could not be said about Janice.

My alarm went off at 6 a.m., and although I could have pushed it and slept another twenty minutes, I gritted my teeth and threw aside the covers. No sense putting off the inevitable. Last night, I'd spent an inordinate amount of time choosing my clothes for work today, finally deciding on a sapphire-blue suit with a white camisole. It was an outfit that always generated a lot of compliments. Why would I care about that right now? I wanted to look professional, I told myself, but the truth was, I also wanted to look attractive, even if I didn't necessarily know what good that would do.

I arrived at the hospital a little early. It doesn't hurt for a newbie to show incentive, right? The weather was rainy, of course, a fairly steady downpour accompanied by some lightning for good measure. I entered the garage and drove up the ramp to the next level, in search of my usual spot.

My heart was hammering so hard I thought it might be audible to everyone within the town. Although I'd deliberated on what to say if Edward was still acting bizarrely, I was worried that I'd become so tense I wouldn't defend myself very well. I decided to start simply and greet him with "Good morning," regardless of how strongly he appeared to want to murder me.

It was around 7:50 a.m. when I walked through the pharmacy door. I hung my damp raincoat on a hook and walked slowly to my desk. Neither Janice nor Rick was there yet, and I could see the light on in Larry's office. He always seemed to arrive early and leave late.

Edward was at his desk. I fought hard to avoid looking directly at him, although I could tell he was calmer than the previous time we were both in the office. I put my purse under my desk and sat down. Before I had the chance to say anything, I heard a low, musical voice.

"Hello," Edward said -- to me, apparently, since no one else was there.

His gentle tone was altogether at odds with his prior behavior. Was he just having an incredibly bad day last week? Which was the real Edward? My heart raced with confusion, and I could feel the blush slowly creep up my cheeks. Time to face this down. I glanced at the floor and turned my head up slowly to look at him.

"You must be Bella Swan. I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to introduce myself before. I'm Edward Cullen." He didn't offer his hand to me, so I kept both my arms on top of my desk.  
"Yes...hi. It's nice to meet you, Edward." Neither of us seemed to know what to say next, so I jumped in. I wanted to keep him talking to me. "Do you typically work nights?"

"Yes, although I'll be joining you later this week when Janice is out. How do you like Forks?"

I smiled and said, "I'm not really sure yet. I'm working on that. I have a lot to figure out."

Now that I could freely look at his face, I saw that the features I'd glimpsed on my first day, which had lived in my thoughts ever since, were not some product of my imagination. Here was perfection, sitting right across from me in this small hospital, this tiny town in the middle of nowhere. I'd thought he was handsome when his features were scowling and dark with fury. But here, unencumbered by anger and with a small, slightly crooked smile on his face, his beauty was unearthly and disarming. I completely lost my train of thought.

Edward was looking as fascinated as if I'd just explained a plausible cure for cancer. It occurred to me that he was waiting for me to continue. "It's been a big change for me, but I'm glad I made it," I added. I didn't know why I said that, but I suddenly knew it was true.

"Do you like the rain?" he asked. He was leaning away from me, trying to inconspicuously catch a full breath. I acted as if I didn't notice.

"Not so much," I said, smiling a little. "It's all quite different than where I come from."

"I guess New Jersey does have more sunshine. Anywhere in the Continental United States would," he replied.

"How did you know I'm from New Jersey?" I asked, puzzled.

A quick look of surprise crossed his face, and then he calmed his expression. "Most people here seem to know that. It's unusual, for someone to move so far just to come to Forks."

I realized that his father could have mentioned it to him, as well. When we'd met, I told Dr. Cullen I'd moved from New Jersey. "I'm sure I'm not the only one to do it. People relocate all the time," I said.

He smiled a bit ruefully. "Yes, I've moved around somewhat myself." Then, as if afraid he'd said something he shouldn't, he turned the subject back to me. "So, you don't like the wet weather but you moved here anyway. What made you decide to leave New Jersey?"

It was odd, the way he asked the question. Everyone inquired about my reasons for coming to Forks, not the other way around.

"It's not a very interesting story," I said, and then winced a bit. My life had to be far less remarkable than that of this striking man sitting next to me. I glanced at him again and shrugged my shoulders.

"Oh, I'll bet that's not true," he said kindly. He looked at me intently, as if he really wanted to know.

I felt compelled to answer him honestly. I didn't know why -- I certainly didn't know if I could trust him, considering how he treated me the first time he saw me. "I guess you could say it was the right thing for me to do," I replied awkwardly. "I just…My boyfriend broke up with me earlier this year, and I realized I wanted to leave and see other parts of this country. I figured, now was the time." It sounded so lame, I did what I often do when I'm embarrassed and self-conscious: I made a joke. "You know, New Jersey has a reputation for its toxic waste. I had a toxic relationship. It was healthier to get far away from it."

He actually laughed -- a wonderful sound, melodious and light.

"That's just a stereotype," he said, smiling.

"It's accurate enough. But the negatives represent only a small part of what the state really is. I wish people were more open to its beauty," I replied.

"What do you mean?" He looked as if he couldn't contain his curiosity. I had no idea why this radiant man would want to pursue this conversation with me, and I didn't care.

"Anyone from outside the state seems more than willing to believe the worst about it. You know: a mob-infested pollution pit with ignorant residents and too many cars, " I said, inexplicably feeling homesick for New Jersey and wishing to explain it so he could understand. "Even those who have lived there all their lives think that way, as if they could never be better than that. New Jersey is so much more than its reputation." I stopped my rant because I noticed his hands were clenched in tight fists, and he was again leaning slightly away from me.

Rarely have I ever unleashed a torrent of words like that, and here I'd done it with Edward, of all people. I looked away, embarrassed. "Sorry. I must miss it more than I thought," I mumbled.

"Don't be sorry. That was actually quite poetic," he said, smiling. He looked a little more relaxed.

"Well, I'm no Walt Whitman or William Carlos Williams – both of whom are from New Jersey," I said, "but I do believe that it's unfair, the way my home state is portrayed."

"And you especially don't like anything that's unfair." He said this with complete certainty.

I blinked for a moment before replying. How could he know that about me? "No, I don't, but at the same time I have to acknowledge that life is unfair."

"Was it unfair that you left your home when your relationship ended?" he asked.

That question left me reeling. "Possibly. But it was my decision to go."

"It's quite a drastic reaction, to leave the place you were born and raised because of a failed romance," he said.

I looked at him, confused. "That's not entirely correct. It motivated me, but it wasn't the only reason. As I said, I wanted to make a change."

He seemed perplexed. "I don't understand."

"Actually, I'm not sure I do, either. I know my intuition told me to go, to take a chance at living on my own in a different place. And I also know that I do myself a great disservice, and create the most problems for myself, when I fail to listen to my intuition," I said. I thought about Bill and how I knew I never should have become involved with him. "Besides, haven't you ever found that putting distance between you and a problem helps you see your way to some type of resolution?"

Edward was regarding me with a kind of grave astonishment, as if I'd said something that resonated with him. "I have found that to be true, definitely," he said slowly. "So your stay here is temporary, then? Do you intend to work out the problems and then return to your boyfriend?"

"No, that's over," I said with finality. I swallowed and looked at my hands.

"It may be finished, but I think it's not completely _over_ for you," he said.

Shocked, I snapped my head toward him, ready with an angry retort. But his eyes showed no mockery or callousness, just something that could almost be characterized as tenderness. "Yes," I said, wondering again why I was being so honest with him. "That's probably what I'm working on here, as I said earlier."

He didn't respond, quietly regarding me. As I looked at him, I saw something else that was different from the last time I'd seen him – more than just his mood. It was his eyes: the irises were clear amber. All trace of the blackness that was there last week was gone, save for his pupils.

"Did you get contact lenses?" I blurted.

He looked surprised, then confused. "No."  
"Your eyes look different than they did last week.

He ducked his head and looked away from me. "No," he murmured, not meeting my gaze. "Maybe it's the lights."

I let it go. It had been a very unusual exchange. This beautiful stranger -- who evidently hated me last week -- had extracted vital personal information from me in less than five minutes. And I'd just completely ruined the mood with my impetuous question, when there were so many other things I wanted to ask him.

Larry stepped into the doorway of his office. "Edward, can I see you for a moment before you leave?"

"Certainly, Larry." Edward stood up quickly. At that moment, Janice walked in the door and began unbuttoning her coat, ignoring us – or me, at least.

"Well, Bella, I hope you have a good week. I'm sure things will get better for you as time goes on," Edward said.

"Thank you," I replied. I looked up at him. "It was nice talking with you." And it was, even if it did leave me mystified.

He smiled at me again and walked up between the desks and around to Larry's office. Rick arrived then, still slightly damp from the rain but grinning and wanting to talk about my weekend conversations with Jacob Black and Ellen.


	8. Edward, Chapter 4

**Edward returns home and finds that keeping tabs on Bella isn't actually a distasteful task. **

**Edward, Chapter 4**

Alice saw when I made my decision to leave the Cascades and return to Forks. She had informed the rest of the family by the time I arrived home. Esme was at the door

first, relieved and very happy to see me.

"Edward," she said breathlessly, extending her arms and beaming at me. "I'm so glad you're back. Was it helpful, your time away?"

"It was, Mom," I replied, giving her a hug and a kiss. "I'm going to do this. I don't want to uproot our family, and I don't want to leave, either," I added, though I omitted elaborating on that last point. I hoped the limits of Alice's apparition didn't extend beyond my homecoming. I wasn't sure exactly how I would proceed; usually her visions presented once a decision had been made, and I still had some things to sort out. I didn't want anyone to draw assumptions based on what she may have seen.

It was late Thursday night, and everyone was home. Alice and Jasper were finishing math homework; they had the same teacher for calculus, and this enabled them to share the assignments as much as they shared everything else. The bond between these two was almost metaphysical; they had an intuitive understanding of each other that transcended any other relationship I'd seen. Esme and Carlisle had a profound and abiding devotion that I believe sprang from their individual capabilities for love and compassion. And while I did not doubt that Rosalie and Emmett loved each other too, theirs was an intensely physical bond, as evidenced by decades' worth of destroyed furniture and homes, along with a nightly (and sometimes daily) lack of discretion that all of us, not just me and my thought-reading gift, heard in detail.

Rosalie was in the kitchen now, arranging flowers for the dining room table. She nodded to me and said, "Welcome back, Edward," then left the room.

"Thank you," I said, as she darted past me. Rosalie was the third person to enter this family. I became immortal first, and joined Carlisle in a father-son relationship that is as close as we appear to the human world. He created Esme a few decades later, after finding her near death in a hospital where he worked at the time. Similarly, he came across Rosalie, who had been assaulted and left for dead, when we were living in Rochester, NY. I discovered years later that he hoped Rosalie and I would have the same connection and deep love as he and Esme. Unfortunately that was never to be, as Rosalie and I are very different people and I felt no attraction to her. She wasn't accustomed to lack of interest from a male, and she's never forgiven me for the rejection. I knew, of course, that she also did not desire me, but her sizeable ego overlooks that salient point and she continues to resent me.

Emmett was watching a sports network on the television in the den. "Hey bro! Did you bag any mountain lions?" he asked eagerly.

"Several. I hunted a lot because I'm returning to work this weekend."

"Oh, right. You make up your mind, I guess?"

"Yes, I'm going to stay. No sense letting this get the best of me. I'll deal with it," I said with a confidence I didn't completely feel.

"Excellent. Piece of cake for you," he said, waving his hand in a cheerfully dismissive manner. "See any bears?  
Decades earlier, Rosalie came across Emmett in the mountains, dying from a near-fatal bear mauling. Ever since he became immortal, he has made it his mission to exact revenge on every member of that species he can find. "A few," I said, laughing, "and I left them for you."

"Thanks, dude. I'll have to get up there and reduce the population real soon," he said, grinning.

I ran up the stairs to Alice and Jasper's room. Tiny Alice launched herself at me, singing out, "Edward! You're back!"

"You knew I was coming, right?" I hugged her and smiled in greeting at Jasper, who nodded.

"I did, but I kept searching to see if you'd changed your mind," Alice said.

"Did you see anything else?" I asked curiously.

She shook her head. "No, and that makes me think you've got some more work to do on this."

I nodded. "I'll see Bella Swan on Monday morning. I intend to keep myself under control, but honestly, I don't know how long my willpower will last. We'll only cross paths for a short time, but that's going to be my initial test, to see if my endurance can match my determination," I said grimly. "I hunted a lot when I was in the Cascades, and I'll go again around here this weekend to be ready if I have to."

I felt a sudden peaceful sensation come over me, undoubtedly Jasper's reaction to my worry. His gift is the ability to change moods; to either calm down a frantic or anxious person, or conversely, stir up someone who is lethargic or uncaring. It can be very trying for him, since he is constantly sensitive to others' temperaments and his talent is activated when he himself feels another's emotions. I sympathize because I know how difficult it can be to shut out others' thoughts when I want to. Although vampires don't get tired in the usual sense of the word, existing in concert with our superhuman abilities can still be exhausting.

"You know I can't really see anything unless you make other decisions or plans. But I'll keep checking for you," Alice said.

Another idea occurred to me. "Have you caught anything that Bella Swan might have said to anyone else around here? I must have looked totally insane to her last week. I'm concerned that she's been asking people about us."

Alice shook her head. "Nope. It probably would have come to me if she'd said something that triggered anyone's curiosity, but I can't be completely sure. She could have talked about us with someone who didn't have much of a reaction right away."

"Exactly," I said. "I think I'll pay a visit to Forks and check on that. She'll be at work tomorrow, and I can stay near the hospital to listen. Carlisle wouldn't necessarily have become aware of anything while I was gone."

"Probably a good idea," Jasper agreed.

I started working on my plan of action. It was close to three o'clock in the morning, and I could arrive at the hospital while it was still dark, staying in the trees that landscaped the complex. During the course of the day, I'd follow the thoughts of people who came into contact with Bella.

I grew increasingly eager as I worked out the details. This would also be a way for me to discover more about her. In order to befriend her, it would help to know something about her beforehand, since my usual talent for learning about people didn't work with her. And with a few hours to spare, I could probably venture out to her home and observe her in the morning before she departed for work. If I left immediately, while it was still dark, I could find a suitable vantage point to watch and listen.

Of course, she would still be asleep for awhile. What would be the point of going now?

Puzzled by emotions overtaking logic – again – I realized I wanted to be near her. Not merely to test my stamina, but to see her and be close to her in some way. Still, if I went to her home and stayed outside, close yet at a safe distance, I could use that as a kind of starting point. I could move on to watching her as she went about her day at the hospital, and then to physically being in the same room with her when I ended my shift and she arrived on Monday morning.

Yes, that was it. I could go now and do this step by step. I wanted to make sure Carlisle knew of my intentions, so I found him in his study to discuss all of this with him.

"Edward!" His face brightened when he saw me. "I heard your arrival home. I'm so glad you're back with us."  
"I am too, Carlisle. I've been thinking about what will happen when I resume work," I said.

"Ah, good. So you'll be going in this weekend as scheduled?"

"Yes. I've become concerned about what Bella Swan may have said to people in my absence. I'm sure my behavior left a lot of questions in her mind – questions that, obviously, I can't read. I thought if I stayed outside of the hospital, where no one can see me, I can listen for anything that should concern us," I explained.

I was anxious for my father's approval of my plan. I hoped he would validate the sham excuses I was using to watch this young woman. The truth was, I wanted to be close to her.

Carlisle nodded his head. "I made it a point to meet her that day. I spoke to many others in the hospital afterward, but from those casual conversations, it doesn't seem as if she asked anyone about you. Still, there may be some things we missed. It can't hurt to check," he said.

I returned the nod absently, my eyes on the floor. In my mind I was already on the way to Hoh Street. "I'll speak with you later in the day to let you know what I've found," I promised.

The two-story house where Bella lived was in a small neighborhood of working-class homes, fairly close to the downtown. I silently moved to the rear of the building to find a tree that might offer a suitable perch. There was an outdoor deck running the length of the house. I sprang up into an evergreen, surveyed the layout of the deck and jumped, landing softly inside the railing.

The darkness was no impediment to my vision. I could see that Bella's kitchen and bedroom were on the other side of the windows. The deck was perfect for this hour of the night. I took a seat in a chair by the patio table and concentrated to hear within her apartment. With no difficulty, I pinpointed Bella's heartbeat and breathing in her bedroom, which was on the right as I faced the back of the house.

I listened, still as a statue, to her breath – a heavier intake as she rolled over under the covers, a sigh as she settled into position. Startled, I realized she was talking in her sleep. This was a very fortunate development, considering that I didn't have the advantage of using my gift. Her subconscious monologue might help me know her thoughts more effectively. Every so often, she mumbled something: "the car, sell it;" "two weeks" and then, "no, Bill."

Bill? I quickly flipped through a list of men named Bill who worked at the hospital. The only Bill there was the exceedingly bad-tempered manager of the central supply unit. It must be someone she knew before coming to Forks. Of course she would have a life history before she arrived here; she was a young woman in her 20s. I felt strangely melancholy as I realized I knew nothing about her. Who were her friends? What was her family like? Where did she go to school? Was Bill a very significant person to her? What events in her life informed her personal development, to the point where she moved clear across the country? Even though there was no way I could possess these answers, I was frustrated that I lacked the information and somehow upset that whatever her biography, it didn't include me.

Well, I had decided to try to be friends with her. Perhaps if I was successful, I would get these questions resolved. Maybe some of the information would become clear later today, as I used others to followed her through the hospital.

I heard her make a funny noise – it sounded almost like a snort of annoyance, and then she settled back into deep sleep. As her breathing resumed a normal pattern, her heart beat calmly and steadily. It was a comforting sound, and I felt peaceful and content, almost as much as when I played music. I sat back to listen, even closing my eyes as if in meditation.

I stayed this way for the next several hours, finally realizing that it was 6 a.m. and Bella might be rising to go to work. I jumped lightly from the porch to the trees and found a place with plenty of branches for good cover. Soon enough, I heard her alarm clock, and her groan of reluctance at having to wake up. I smiled at that. Perhaps she didn't like mornings.

Bella turned on the lights in her bedroom and walked into the kitchen, her feet padding along the floor. I watched as she prepared coffee and breakfast. It had been so long since I'd had to concern myself with such things. Vampires don't eat; we hunt and get our nutrition from the blood. I don't recall what cuisine I'd enjoyed before I became immortal; the aroma of human food generally doesn't affect me one way or another, unless it is particularly pungent, and then it's repulsive. In the company of humans, my family and I would have food in front of us if the situation called for it, as when Alice and Jasper had their lunch hour in school. It was useful to us only as props. Normally, if I took a meal break at work when another pharmacist was on duty, I went to Carlisle's office to spend the time with him or simply read if he wasn't there.

Back in her bedroom, Bella apparently prepared to take a shower. I averted my eyes until she was wrapped in a robe. My mind roamed, and I found myself having human thoughts -- some very human, very _male_ thoughts. This was quite contrary to the gentleman I have always been. Even before I became immortal, I had respectful manners around women. As an inherent part of my personality, that carried over into my immortality. I was always mindful to give Alice, Rosalie and Esme extra measures of privacy because of my ability.

But they are my sisters and my mother. I never thought of them in the way I was now thinking about Bella. As a scientist, I was again amazed at the emotions and conduct that she was inspiring in me. As a man, I simply considered how attractive she was. Yet I didn't know why I was even torturing myself with this line of thought. Nothing would come of it, so it was a waste.

I shook my head as if to rid my mind of these last few minutes, and waited until I heard noises that I knew would mean Bella was finished showering and suitably covered. I watched her apply eye makeup – also fascinating, although I had seen my sisters do it hundreds of times – and then looked away again as she started to dress for work.

This _was_ very enticing, but I was resolute. I would not take advantage of Bella in this way. Besides, if I could maintain discipline now, it would help with the further temptations I would face when I saw her again next week. Staying strong against the overpowering scent of her blood would take a great deal more willpower than turning away while she was undressed.

Before getting into her car, Bella knocked at her landlady's door, and I heard a cheerful exchange between them. Apparently, Mrs. Farrelly had been sick, and Bella inquired as to how she was feeling. They had only known each other a short time, but it was obvious that Bella was worried about her. And while the elderly woman insisted that she was much improved, I could hear in her thoughts that she was touched by, and grateful for, the concern. It revealed something of Bella's character to me. She was caring, compassionate.

I left then to run to the hospital, taking off through the woods until I reached a part of the forest that was close to the building. Like an avid theatre patron, I sought the best seat in the house, settling into a tree with leaves for plenty of camouflage as well as a clear visual line to the pharmacy. By now, many employees were arriving for work. I knew Larry was already in his office, and Janice would be there soon.

Bella walked in with Rick Sandoval, smiling as Rick described an outing to Seattle with his fiancée Ellen some years before. They had just started dating at the time, and Rick wanted to impress her. He took Ellen to a restaurant, where he clumsily dropped food in his lap and inadvertently insulted her by inferring she shouldn't order a particular meal because it had too much fat. I noted the comfortable way that Rick and Bella interacted, and felt enormous conflict again. I was glad that she had already made a good friend, for I knew Rick to be a respectable man. I also knew from his thoughts that he was unfailingly devoted to Ellen, so there was no chance he had any other interest in Bella. At the same time, I was resentful that Bella was so at ease with him, that she had found someone who she could relax with. Could she ever feel that way about me?

As the Friday workday began, the pharmacy received a delivery of intravenous fluids from the central supply room. Pete, a middle-aged, developmentally disabled staff assistant, pushed a hand truck with several cases that were ordered. His thoughts, and likely his face, grew happy when he saw Bella; he had already developed a fondness for her. He boomed "Hi Bella!" as if he was greeting her across some great distance, disregarding everyone else in the office. I could hear that this annoyed Janice, though she cared little for Pete and usually ignored him.

Bella returned his greeting with a cheerful "Hey Pete!" and smiled at him from her desk. Janice got up and grumbled, "Is this the order of 5% dextrose in water that I requisitioned yesterday?" Pete stared at her and handed her a slip, saying, "I don't know. This is what they gave me."

Janice grabbed the paper from him and inspected the cases on the hand truck. Exasperated, she heaved a sigh and said, "Peter, this is wrong. These are all 10% dextrose."

Pete got very flustered and began shuffling his feet. "I don't know, I don't know," he repeated. "They asked me to put these on the truck and bring them here." His voice grew louder; his face began turning red.

Again, Janice looked at the requisition slip and shoved it harshly under Pete's nose. "It says 5% here. The cases say 10%. Can't you read?" she snarled.

Suddenly, I heard Bella snap, "Janice, it's a simple mistake. I'm sure Pete can go back downstairs and exchange them." She smiled encouragingly at Pete, who grinned at her in relief.

Rick was taking in the entire incident, and I was also watching through his mind. He was amazed when Bella spoke up, thinking, _Whoa! Brave girl! She is going to _pay_ for that, though. _

Infuriated, Janice whirled around to look at Bella, her own face dark red. I have never been less enticed by the pooling of blood in any human being.

"This is _such_ a waste of time," she spluttered. "Now he has to go all the way back to the basement…"

"We have enough here for whatever solutions we need to mix for the next hour or so. I'm sure Pete can get it straightened out by then," Bella said calmly, smiling again at Pete. "Besides, it wasn't even his error. They gave him the wrong boxes downstairs."

She had Janice there, and Janice knew it. That only made her angrier. I heard the older woman's thoughts, so furious they were coming in fragments: "Impudent... arrogant…insolent little…how _dare _you!" She was about to speak when Larry stepped out of his office.

"Everything okay here?" He looked directly at Janice.

She sighed again, loudly and angrily. "We need more D5W, and Pete brought the wrong cases," she said.

"Well, I'm sure it'll be corrected. Come on, let's get to work." Larry walked back into his office, shaking his head. _ Honestly, she'll blow up over the simplest things. _He knew this was one of those times it wouldn't make sense to say anything more to Janice.

Returning to Rick's thoughts, I saw that Pete had left and Janice was walking back to her desk. "Do _not _speak to me like that again in front of Pete, or anyone else for that matter," she said stiffly to Bella.

Bella looked up from her desk again, frowning, her eyes flashing. "It wasn't his fault! And he felt terrible. There was no need to berate him like that – it was very unfair. He was embarrassed, too," she said firmly.

Janice inhaled deeply. Rick and I waited from our vantage points, although I knew what she was thinking and I wondered if she would actually spit out the vicious words that were gathering in her mind. But she only retorted, "Don't talk to me like that again," huffing each word for emphasis.

Bella regarded her for another moment, did not reply and then resumed her work. Rick watched her in amazement. _ Damn! That was just…damn!_

"Damn _right,_ Rick," I murmured to myself. I was astonished that the girl who seemed so cowed by my hateful glaring could muster such indignation on behalf of someone incapable of defending himself. This day was already worth far more than the sacrifice of my other pursuits in order to watch Bella. I had seen her compassion with her elderly landlady. And now, I saw her strength of character as she defended Pete in the face of Janice's wrath. It couldn't have been easy for her. She was only in her second week of work here, and she was still establishing relationships with her coworkers. Yet she didn't seem to care about that. She was obviously more concerned with standing up for what was right.

I marveled that my very short time watching Bella – immorally spying on her, really – was quickly revealing incredibly rare qualities. The inclinations of other humans were so much more selfish, habitual, or cowardly. I had long ago given up on any hope of hearing a mind that was truly different. Seeing all this unfold was a real gift. She didn't act, and apparently didn't think, like anyone else. It was impossible to predict what she would do or say next. I was captivated.

Unfortunately, I had some company in my appreciation of Bella's uniqueness. As I roamed the minds of other hospital staff, I heard her name in the thoughts of Tom Boylan from the hospital's public relations department. Tom wanted to run an article about Bella and to use the interview as an excuse to get closer to her. He had an entire plan mapped out, right down to the timing, but Bella threw him off his game by refusing to cooperate. Although he thought she would be flattered to be featured in the next issue of the hospital's newsletter, she declined. I heard his shock at the horror on her face when he recalled approaching her about it. He was now trying to figure out the best way to get into her good graces after their first meeting.

I surmised from this that Bella didn't care for the limelight. In fact, she seemed quite shy. I thought again of her wide-eyed glance darting at me and then away, quickly, the first day we saw each other. It wasn't only fear that caused her to behave that way; it was also timidity. Yet she'd just stood up to Janice in a way that could hardly be called timid. What an intriguing contrast.

I watched later as John Blackhorse, a husky, strong orderly in the Emergency Room, introduced himself to Bella when she delivered some painkillers on Friday afternoon. He was not as forward as Tom but he was no less interested in her. Silently, as she walked away, John promised himself that he would make it his business to run into her as frequently as possible. These two men would undoubtedly be competing for her approval, but Bella seemed apathetic, if not downright annoyed, over their attention. I also found it irritating, although I knew I had no right to feel that way.

Sadness filled me as I realized that even though these other young men were unworthy of Bella, she would be better off with one of them. They, like her, would age and go through the ordinary stages of a human life. She would have companionship with them. Most of all, her life would not be in jeopardy with a normal man. I should not allow myself to have any special feelings for her. It was impractical and impossible.

I tried not to think of that now. I focused on listening to Bella's interactions with people from their point of view, as she went through her day. Never did I hear or see any indication that she ever mentioned anything about the way I treated her the morning of her first day on the job. She didn't say a word about me or even Carlisle. I found it hard to believe that my behavior hadn't left a mark, considering how frightened she'd looked. Either she'd put it out of her mind, or she was very discreet. I would find out more when she came to work next week. I realized I was looking forward to that. I wanted to set right the bad impression that I'd made, but not just because I had my family to look out for. I wanted her to think better of me.

My return to the pharmacy was uneventful as far as the work itself was concerned. Since it was the weekend, when only emergency admissions occur, I was alone both nights. In particular, Sunday's hours seemed to move very slowly, with few prescriptions to fill.

The brightening sky meant Monday's dawn was approaching, and I knew Bella would be at work in a few hours. My mind felt oddly twitchy, as if something was tickling me inside my head. I assumed this was because I didn't know exactly how our interaction would play out this morning. I was determined to talk to her, but concerned because I couldn't read her thoughts, and I was especially worried about my physical reaction to her. I felt reasonably sure I could control myself, but there was always the chance I would be overwhelmed.

Shortly before 8 a.m., I heard footsteps coming up the hall that I recognized as Bella's. And sure enough, her scent drifted ahead of her, wafting through the dropoff window as if it knew exactly where I was. I could hear her heartbeat thundering harder with every step. She likely knew I had worked through the night; she must be very nervous.

Her aroma was as overwhelming as the first time I experienced it. For a moment, the pull was all-consuming, and I fought hard to come back from it. The monster resurfaced, demanding attention, but I held him off. I had to gain control now, before the added intensity of her presence in the office.

I saw her pass the dropoff but she didn't glance into the room. She entered without saying a word, and hung up her coat. Bella was dressed professionally, which fit in with other pieces of her personality that I'd learned: she was serious about her work and wanted to make a good impression. Her hair was pulled away from her face and clipped in the back with a barrette, the length of it falling in loose waves past her shoulders. She was a transcendent study in contrasts, her dark brown hair and sapphire blue suit complementing her clear ivory skin.

Bella walked slowly toward her desk with her head down and he shoulders hunched, still not looking my way. There was a sadness about her that made me want to touch her hand and ask what was wrong. But that would be one of the worst things I could do. I had to focus on locking down all my instincts, and I could never risk the temptation that such closeness would present. Besides, she would likely find my ice-cold skin very repulsive. That stark reminder of our differences pained me. I wished I could find a safe way to comfort her.

I assumed it was my responsibility to speak first, since I had behaved so badly the last time she saw me. "Hello," I said gently after she sat down. Her head turned slightly in my direction and her gaze dipped to the floor before she looked up at me. Ah, that was it. She was frightened of me; she probably thought I would scowl at her again. She didn't even want to look directly at me. Her innate decency was forcing her to be polite.

"You must be Bella Swan. I'm sorry I didn't get the chance to introduce myself before." I was sorry for a good deal more than that, but I couldn't exactly explain it all. "I'm Edward Cullen."

"Right....hi. It's nice to meet you, Edward." My name on her lips sent a thrill through my core. If I had a heart, it would have swelled at the sound.

She was quiet for a few seconds after that. As if looking to fill the silence, she asked hurriedly, "Do you typically work nights?"

"Yes, although I'll be joining you later this week when Janice is out. How do you like Forks?"

Hesitantly, she replied, "I'm not really sure yet. I'm working on that. I have a lot to figure out."

What did she mean? Her response incited my curiosity, a burning flame which rivaled the sensation caused by my thirst. It was intoxicating to finally talk with her. I wanted to question her more but held back, waiting for her to elaborate. She looked at me intently, as if searching my features for answers to her own unarticulated questions. I must have looked foolish as I stared back. Was I boring her?

"It's been a big change for me, but I'm glad I made it," she added. Frustrating – that did nothing to clarify her statements.

She didn't say anything else, so I took the conversation in a somewhat benign direction. "Do you like the rain?" I asked. Knowing her mind was so different from everyone else, I was eager to hear her response.

But with that question, I'd used up the last of my breath. I shifted in my chair and leaned slightly away from her, trying hard to be inconspicuous about it, and drew in some air. The monster again reared its head with interest, as every sense I possessed enthralled to the sweet song of Bella's blood. Her fragrant essence was floral, compelling, delectable and somehow intimate, maybe because it was a part of her that only I could detect.

The fire enveloped my throat relentlessly while venom coated the back of my mouth. It hurt to sit there; it was torture, but I knew I had to stay with it. I disciplined myself to look in her eyes and concentrate there. Thinking of everything that awaited behind her warm gaze helped me control my dark impulses.

"Not so much," she replied, with a little smile. "It's different than where I come from."

"I guess New Jersey does have more sunshine. Anywhere in the continental United States would," I said.

"How did you know I'm from New Jersey?" she asked quickly.

Without thinking, I'd let slip some information I learned second hand. I quickly recovered from this mistake and used the excuse that Bella had been a topic of conversation throughout the hospital, even before her arrival. "Most people here seem to know that. It's unusual, for someone to move so far just to come to Forks."

"I'm sure I'm not the only one to do it. People relocate all the time," she noted.

Again without thinking, I responded, "Yes, I've moved around somewhat myself." I wanted to affirm her statements to seem supportive, but I'd left an opening for her to ask me some difficult questions. I quickly followed up with, "So, you don't like the wet weather but you moved here anyway. What made you decide to leave New Jersey?"

This was a mystery I'd wanted answered since I first became genuinely aware of her. Would she reveal the true reason? How would I know if she was honest? I gambled that she'd tell me the truth even though I'd acted insane and rude to her the first time I saw her.

"It's not a very interesting story," she said slowly, and a pained look came over her face. She shrugged her shoulders as if to indicate that it didn't matter, even though that clearly wasn't the case. I wished again that I could reach over to her and put my hand on hers, or make some other sympathetic gesture. Instead, I concentrated on making my voice as kind as possible.

"Oh, I'll bet that's not true." I hoped she would continue.

"I guess you could say it was the right thing for me to do," she said slowly. "I just...My boyfriend broke up with me earlier this year, and I realized I wanted to leave and see other parts of the country. I figured, now was the time." Suddenly, Bella looked very self-conscious. "You know, New Jersey has a reputation for its toxic waste. I had a toxic relationship. It was healthier to get far away from it."

I was touched by her apparent desire to put me at ease and joke in spite of her own obvious discomfort. She had just revealed so much to me. I felt I could now comprehend the expression on her face, which was often downcast. What imbecile could possibly hurt this compassionate, generous woman?

The irony of asking myself that question was not lost on me. She deserved someone who would appreciate her character and warmth without endangering her, emotionally or physically. I needed an appropriate response, though, and rather than dwell on this painful episode of her life, I just laughed at her wisecrack. I couldn't exactly launch into a diatribe against the man who had mistreated her, much as I'd like to.

"That's just a stereotype," I said about her New Jersey comment.

"It's accurate enough. But the negatives represent only a small part of what the state really is. I wish people were more open to its beauty," she replied.

"What do you mean?" Once again, she took me by surprise. I wasn't expecting that response, and I looked at her carefully, waiting so intensely that I forgot to blink.

"Anyone from outside the state seems more than willing to believe the worst about it. You know: a mob-infested pollution pit with ignorant residents and too many cars," she explained, sadness overtaking her features again. "Even those who have lived there all their lives think that way, as if they could never be better than that. New Jersey is so much more than its reputation."

There was a lack of superficiality to this conversation that delighted but did not astonish me. Her analysis was absorbing and perceptive. She considered things seriously, and she wasn't flippant. I saw now how sensitive she was to her surroundings, and I wondered again how much she suspected of me.

Right at that point, I ran out of air again. Bella had a tendency to talk with her hands – another habit I filed away with others I was learning about her. Enchanting as it was, the movement stirred the air and pushed her scent toward me. I needed to catch a quick breath and again try to do it inconspicuously. I focused on the significance of our talk as a way to ignore the burn engulfing my entire respiratory system when I inhaled.

Bella looked sheepish, as if she'd said too much. "Sorry. I must miss it more than I thought," she mumbled.

"Don't be sorry. That was actually quite poetic," I said, smiling. I was able to talk normally.

"Well, I'm no Walt Whitman or William Carlos Williams – both of whom are from New Jersey," she said, smiling back, "but I do believe that it's unfair, the way my home state is portrayed." Impressive, how she spontaneously cited two famous poets. I liked her reasoning. Every time she spoke, I felt dangerously compelled to respond with something personal.

"And you especially don't like anything that's unfair." I shouldn't have said that. I wanted to confirm what I knew to be true about her, but logically, how _could_ I know that?

She blinked in surprise. "No, I don't, but at the same time I have to acknowledge that life is unfair."

"Was it unfair that you left your home when your relationship ended?" This was indeed a fascinating discussion, and I wanted to keep it going in spite of its recklessness.

Bella looked almost wounded. "Possibly. But it was my decision to go."

I wanted to soothe whatever I had stirred up. "It's quite a drastic reaction, to leave the place you were born and raised because of a failed romance," I pointed out quietly.

She raised her chin somewhat defiantly. "That's not entirely correct. It motivated me, but it wasn't the only reason. As I said, I wanted to make a change," she said flatly.

"I don't understand." Just when I believed I was getting a sense of her thoughts, she threw me off.

"Actually, I'm not sure I do, either." Hearing that was a relief to me. "I know my intuition told me to go, to take a chance at living on my own in a different place. And I also know that I do myself a great disservice, and create the most problems for myself, when I fail to listen to my intuition," she said, looking away for a moment. "Besides, haven't you ever found that putting distance between you and a problem helps you see your way to some type of resolution?"

I was stunned. Here I was, expending a lot of effort to make sense of _her,_ and in one sentence she'd summarized the exact need I'd had to meet the greatest challenge of my immortal existence and return to my family. "I have found that to be true, definitely," I said slowly. "So your stay here is temporary, then? Do you intend to work out the problems and return to your boyfriend?" My thirst could be controlled but my curiosity could not.

"No, that's over," she said firmly, looking at her hands.

Despite the finality of the words, her tone made me realize she was not through this breakup. I wished there was something meaningful I could say, although I was still a stranger to her and for all she knew, still unpredictable. I had yet another impulse to comfort her, and although I still didn't understand it, I knew it was as strong as anything else I'd ever felt.

I settled for trying to show her that I saw what she was really feeling. "It may be finished, but I think it's not completely _over_ for you," I said reflectively.

She quickly turned to me, furious, but then her eyes softened when they met mine. "Yes," she said solemnly. "That's probably what I'm working on here, as I said earlier."

I didn't respond right away; I was deeply satisfied that I got it right. I continued looking in her eyes, trying to think.

"Did you get contact lenses?" she asked suddenly.

"No." Where did that come from, I wondered.

"Your eyes look different than they did last week," she said.

How foolish. I had hunted almost continuously in preparation for this day, but the first time we met, my thirst was two weeks' strong. Most humans won't look in our faces long enough to notice the change in eye color, but Bella clearly did. Given her observant nature, she noticed the difference.

I immediately looked away from her. "No. Maybe it's the lights."

Larry then stepped into the doorway of his office and asked to see me. It was 8 a.m., and others were arriving for work -- Janice, and then Rick.

I wanted to leave on a positive note. "Well, Bella, I hope you have a good week. I'm sure things will get better for you as time goes on," I said, hoping it actually conveyed what I felt and did not sound false.

"Thank you," she replied. She looked at me intently. "It was nice talking with you." I smiled at her again before walking into Larry's office.


	9. Bella, Chapter 5

**This picks up right after the conversation between Edward and Bella, in the pharmacy.**

**Bella, Chapter 5**

After speaking with Larry for a bit, Edward left the pharmacy, walking out as gracefully as the last time I'd seen him. He didn't look at me again; he just stared down at the floor in what I thought was an intentional manner.

Now I was more confused than ever. In a lot of ways, it would have been easier if he'd reacted to me as he had on my first day of work. At least that would be consistent. This unpredictability could drive me crazy. Today, he seemed friendly and genuinely interested in my thoughts. Plus, he'd said several things about me with such conviction – things that shouldn't be readily apparent, considering we were having our first in-depth conversation. They were perceptive observations.

And then there was that brief but intense exchange about some very significant events in my life: my relocation to Forks, and what I missed about where I'd left. I tried to explain New Jersey to him, and it seemed like he got it. That could be the most puzzling part of the entire conversation.

I'd definitely killed the mood by asking about the contact lenses, but the difference was so obvious, I couldn't stop myself. I knew I wasn't crazy. There was no way I could forget his eyes the first time I'd seen them, because they were so black and menacing. Today, they were much softer and pleasant. How is that possible?

Maybe his eyes changed color with his moods, like one of those rings from the 1970s that my mom's cousin still had.

I rolled my eyes and sighed. Rick looked up, questioning, but I smiled and shook my head. Time to focus on work.

I noticed my travel mug of coffee on my desk, untouched. Few things could make me forget to have my morning coffee. I held the mug between my hands and drank. The day was likely to be busy, and it was crucial that I devote all my attention to my responsibilities. You can't make mistakes on this job; someone could become seriously ill or even die. I had to wait until later to sort out today's interaction with Edward, if indeed it could be sorted out.

Many doctors came in to see patients after the weekend, and it seemed like every one of them chose to change each prescription, so we were quite occupied as the day went on. I was relieved to have no need to speak with Janice; I completed my orders without help. She sat with her back to me all day, occasionally moving to the counter to finish her assignments and enter the information in the logs. When she needed to leave the office, she told Rick or Larry instead of me.

Late in the afternoon, I was still fighting the distraction of my conversation with Edward. When a voice boomed "Hey Bella!," I didn't recognize it at first. I was deep in thought, and I frowned as I looked up. It was John Blackhorse from the ER. His eyes widened as he took in my expression.

I laughed and shrugged my shoulders. "Sorry. I was in the middle of something. How are you, John?" Reluctantly, I left my desk to approach him at the dropoff.

"I'm good," he said cheerfully. "I just came by to see, you know, how you're doing."

"I'm doing okay. Settling in just fine."

"That's good! That's great. Um..." he hesitated, drumming his fingers against the shelf. With his voice and his eyes lowered, he said, "Would you like to go to the movies with me this weekend?" His gaze slowly moved up to meet mine.

I was, as the expression goes, taken aback. He was asking me on a date. I didn't want to say yes, but I didn't want to hurt his feelings. Neither did I want to be vague in turning him down so as to encourage him to ask again in the future. He saw my hesitation and his face fell.

"John, I'm really sorry, but I can't do that."

He looked at me again. "Why not?"

"Well..." I hesitated again. Anything I said that might accurately explain my reluctance to date could become gossip. "I'm not ready to do that. I mean," I amended, "I don't think I'd be a good...date for you. For personal reasons. I had a bad breakup and I'm still giving myself room to breathe." I hoped that made it clear without giving too much away.

John looked hopeful. "I wouldn't rush you or anything! It's just a movie, really."

"I know," I said gently. "But I have to say no. Please don't take offense." This was hard. He seemed really sweet, but I sensed he wasn't someone I would want. And anyway, what I'd said was true.

He looked down at his hands, which were hanging over the edge of the shelf. "Okay. Didn't mean to make you uncomfortable," he mumbled.

"Yeah, I should say the same to you," said, and at least he smiled.

He straightened up. "Can't blame a guy for trying."

I grinned. "Not at all. It's very flattering, really." I hoped I was letting him down as easily as possible without leaving any doors open too wide.

He backed away and pointed his fingers at me like six-shooters. "You'll tell me if you change your mind, right?"

"If I do, yes." I gave him a sad smile, hoping to communicate that there was practically no chance of that happening.

I walked back to my desk and put my head down on it. I blew out a hearty breath and asked Rick, "You're not laughing, are you?"

"Well, now I am," he said, and I could hear the smile in his voice. "But while that conversation was going on, no, I wasn't."

"So you did hear it." At least Janice had stepped out before John came by.

"Some. Enough. Can I ask?..." Rick said, his voice trailing.

"I'll save you the effort. I can't go out with him right now. Maybe not ever. Bad timing." I picked my head up off my desk and looked at him.

"Okay, but why? John's a good guy. He hung out with my brother a lot when they were in high school. Nice kid, solid family," Rick said, looking at me quizzically.

"I can see that." I said slowly. "I just..." I shrugged my shoulders helplessly. "I can't explain it. It's another one of those instinct things. I wouldn't want to go out with him only to find it's not right, and he's become involved." I struggled to explain it.

"Hey, you don't have to justify anything," Rick said sympathetically "I can see that whatever happened in New Jersey, it was bad, and I'm sure you've earned the time you need to get through it. Just don't let some jerk from your past turn you off every guy around."

"I know," I said, closing my eyes briefly. "To tell you the truth, I don't think he's really someone I'd be interested in." I scrunched up my face. "I hope that doesn't make me sound too snobby. I really don't mean to be."

"Again, your business." Now Rick shrugged his shoulders. "You deserve to be happy."

"Thanks," I replied. He generously dropped the subject.

The day ended with me mulling over the sudden presence of men in my life. Not that it was all that significant, I told myself hurriedly. I'd turned down a date with John and had a conversation with Edward that was merely a polite discussion. I couldn't help but think, though, that if the situation was reversed and it was Edward who asked me to go to the movies, I would have said yes without hesitating.

Wearily, I wished I could live my life – for now, at least – without thinking about any of this. Couldn't I adjust to Forks and explore my new home minus the drama? Of course, if I hadn't made an impression at all on anyone here, I would worry about that, too. It would confirm my self-opinion that I was a nobody who barely made a ripple on anyone's radar screen, fading into the background as soon as she entered a room.

I couldn't win, even with myself.

The next day literally started off with a bang. My coffeemaker noisily took its last breath. I had just put the filter in with the ground coffee and turned it on when a small explosion burst out of the cord. Well, it was about ten years old, and a hand-me down from my sister. I guess I'd have to get my java fix from the cafeteria until I could shop for another one.

Between that and the strange dreams I was occasionally having, I arrived at work quite tired and grumpy. After hanging up my coat, I announced that I needed coffee and offered to pick some up for anyone else in the office, looking straight at Janice as I said it. She finally glanced at me and shook her head, then returned to the paperwork in front of her. That answered that question: status unchanged.

It was unpleasant, the frigid atmosphere between her and I, but at least there was no constant arguing. I could live with that as long as I reminded myself that I'd done the right thing in defending Pete, who continued to give Janice a wide berth each time he had to come near the pharmacy.

After work on Thursday, I went home and ate a quick dinner before heading down to La Push. Jacob was waiting on the stairs of the store. He gave me that big, sunny grin the moment he saw me and stood up to brush off the back of his pants. I pulled around the front and unlocked the passenger door.

"Hey Bella! How's it going?"

"Going fine, Jacob. How are you?" I had been nervous about this appointment because spending time in confined quarters with someone I barely know is always stressful for me. But Jacob's smile and cheerful manner put me at ease.

"So, let's see what Mooney's got waiting for us. What kind of car did you look at?" he asked.

"A Subaru Forester. I took a test drive and it ran great, but of course I can't be sure of what's really under the hood," I said.

"They're good cars. You're looking for a hatchback?" he asked.

"Right. I want something I can use to get my bike around to places I can't ride into," I explained.

He looked at me, startled. "Carry a bike around? In a Subaru? You ride a bike?"

Puzzled, I said, "Yes, why?"

He chuckled a little self-consciously and said, "Well, don't get insulted, but you don't exactly look the type."

I frowned. "Well, I'm no Lance Armstrong, but..."

Now he laughed harder, a roar that was somehow playful. "Oh, you mean _bicycle_! I thought you were talking about a motorcycle!"

I giggled. "Not hardly, no. I'm pretty sure there's legislation in New Jersey that says I am completely forbidden to ever ride a motorcycle, for fear of killing myself and everyone else on the road. Washington should just go ahead and pass the same law."

Still grinning, Jacob asked, "That bad?"

I smiled. "Yeah, I can be pretty klutzy. I manage okay on a _bicycle_" -- I stretched out the word as he'd done – "but a motorcycle has way more gears and stuff, and I think it'd be a disaster."

"Aw, it's not that bad. Maybe you should try it in a safe environment," he teased.

"That would have to be nothing bigger than a driveway. " He laughed again.

"Seriously, I've just learned a stick shift. I'm not pushing my luck," I added.

"So, how's your balance on your _bicycle_?" Jacob asked.

"Good, actually." I stopped and then grinned. "I almost said, 'good when there's no rain,' but that won't inspire confidence here in Forks."

He nodded his head vigorously. "No, it won't. I guess you haven't been riding much since you've been here, then."

"No. I had to get better gear – like a good rain jacket – but I'm still kind of nervous about taking it out in the rain. It's not just my own lack of coordination; I'm concerned about finding my way around here and figuring out which roads are best for biking. I haven't seen many bike lanes."

Jacob smiled. "That's city talk. You'd have to go to Seattle to find that."

"I'd rather ride here. I guess I'll just have to drive around and check out some routes. I hope this car works out," I said, since we were pulling into Mooney's.

I parked the rental and we walked to the office. Steve Mooney's son, Steve Jr., and Jacob seemed to know each other fairly well; instead of shaking hands, they fist-bumped and joked about how each was looking old. Steve Jr. turned to me. "You trust this guy to tell you whether the car's okay? He can't even get that old Rabbit hoppin'," he said, grinning.

"Exactly how much do I have to worry about that, anyway?" I joked. He laughed and handed me the keys.

I started the car and Jacob checked under the hood. We drove along Route 110, almost down to the reservation, with him at the wheel.

"What do you think?" I asked.

"The alignment is good. There's no shimmy. Brakes are solid; he probably put new pads on, but that's also good because you won't have to worry about that for awhile. Doesn't seem like this car's ever been in an accident. The engine looks and sounds fine, too," Jacob said.

"Great! I like it. And I'll be so glad to turn in the rental car," I said, relieved.

"Do you want to drive back?" he asked me.

"Yeah. Just as well start getting used to it."

When we returned to Mooney's, Steve and I haggled a bit over the price, but finally arrived at one we could agree on. I wrote him a check for $500 and promised to return with a certified check for the balance.

At first, Jacob didn't want to accept any payment for his "consulting services," but I convinced him by threatening to ride my bike in front of his store, in the rain. I had a feeling he could use the money, although I said nothing about that. As we drove back to LaPush, I explained to him that I had to go to the recreation center to meet with Ellen. "That's cool. You can just drop me off there," he said.

I asked him whether he repaired cars full time or helped his dad in the store. He replied, "I do both, plus I go to the county college part time."

"That's great," I said encouragingly. "What are you studying?"

"Auto mechanics," he said with a wry grin. "Maybe some day I'll get enough credits to graduate."

"How long have you been going?"  
"Almost four years."

"Is it hard to find time to go to classes?" I assumed that since the deli was his family's means of support, working there had to be the priority.

"Pretty much. My dad wants me to get the education, but he needs me at the store. So, it's a kind of …" and he made a circling motion with his index finger.

"Like a Catch-22?"

"Yeah, that's the saying I was looking for." He was quiet for a bit after that.

"Sounds like it's hard for you," I said softly.

"Yeah, well, life is hard, right?" he said with forced cheer. It must have been a sore spot because he changed the topic pretty quickly. "Anyway, what're you going to see Ellen for?"

"I want to tutor with the literacy program here, and she's the coordinator," I explained.

"Oh, yeah, right. Teach the poor Indians how to read," he said, with some bitterness.

I was shocked. "That's – what? What did you say?" I glared at him. Even though I'd known Jacob a short time, a harsh comment like that seemed uncharacteristic of him.

"Sorry," he said, without sounding like he was. "Indians don't always have a good relationship with people who think they know what's best for us."

"Illiteracy doesn't have anything to do with nationality or race," I said indignantly. "People all over the world can't read, and most of them are very intelligent." He was silent.

"Besides, I do it because I love to read and I'd like others to be able to enjoy it, too. I didn't move to Forks with some misguided 'save the Native Americans' agenda," I added sarcastically. "I taught in a literacy program in New Jersey for three years. My student was a white guy." I was really ticked off at him. Those comments were completely off base. And I was annoyed that he suddenly turned so obnoxious.

He looked at me quickly. "Okay, okay. I was rude. I'm sorry. Really." This time, he sounded sincere.

I gave him a sidelong glance. "You're a pretty angry guy."

"Sometimes."

By now, we were on the street where the rec center was located. Jacob pointed it out to me and we turned into the parking lot. Both of us got out of the car and walked to the building in silence.

"Wait, wait," Jacob said. He suddenly seemed eager to explain himself. "I shouldn't have said that back in the car. It wasn't fair. We just see people all the time who think they can come in and tell us how to 'improve our lives,' " he said, using his fingers to make quotes around those last few words. "Don't be mad, okay? I don't want you to be mad." He flashed that huge smile at me.

I gave an exaggerated sigh. "Okay. You know," I said as we walked through the door, "here I thought everyone would have all these stupid ideas about me just because I'm from New Jersey. I have to hand it to you. I never expected someone to have a stupid idea about me because occasionally I do something good."

He laughed. "I think I've said enough for tonight. I'm going to check out the gym and see if anyone wants to play basketball."

"Okay." As he walked away, I said, "Jacob?"

He turned around. "Thank you. I really appreciate the help you gave me with the car. I could have bought myself a real problem if you weren't there," I said truthfully.

"You're welcome." He grinned and started walking backward. "We cool?"

"Totally," I answered, smiling. He waved and jogged through the gym doors.

Ellen had directed me to meet her in the multi-purpose room used for tutoring. I found it without much trouble and looked around for her. I realized I had no idea what she looked like, yet once I rested my gaze on a young woman talking to a teenager in a corner, I knew right away she had to be Rick's fiancee. She had the most serene expression on her face, a kind of infectious joy that I'm sure buoyed everyone in her presence. I could tell she was a perfect match for him; she had to be as good as he was.

I walked over and asked, "Ellen?"

She turned her bright gaze upon me. "Yes! Bella?"

I recognized her voice from our phone conversation. "That's me," I said.

She hugged me tightly. "It's so nice to meet you! Rick's said such great things about you. Sounds like you're a wonderful addition to the hospital."

"He's done so much to help me settle in and make me feel at home. Rick's the best," I replied.

"I agree with you on that. I'm a little bit biased though," she said teasingly. She had glistening thick black hair just past her shoulders, cut at a layered angle close to her chin. A lovely smile and dancing black eyes complemented her beautiful face. I was beginning to think there was no such thing as an average-looking American Indian.

We started to talk about the students. Ellen said she'd been running the tutoring program for the past two years, after teaching for five. "The people here are good, and I mean the students as well as the teachers. They come from all around the region," she explained.

I nodded my head. "In the program I volunteered with in New Jersey, everyone was just fantastic. I think I learned more from my student than he learned from me."

Ellen regarded me appreciatively. "That's a great attitude to have. It's very hard for the students, as adults, to admit they can't read and to come here for help. Most of them have children, and it's gotten to the point where they don't want their kids to be embarrassed. They often go on to get their GED. They all deserve credit for overcoming the shame and wanting to better themselves," she noted.

She told me a little bit about Wendell Thatch, the student she wanted me to work with. He was a 30 year-old man who had dropped out of high school and was employed as a groundskeeper in the cemetery outside of Forks. "Because his children's education is about to surpass his own, he's decided to come here and start improving his skills. He reads at about a second-grade level," she explained. We settled on Thursday evenings at 7:30 as the regular session time.

By this time, Ellen had poured me some coffee and invited me to sit at one of the tables. She loaded me up with books, study guides and teacher preparation materials. "I have homework again!" I joked.

"Yes, I always stress to the teachers that it's so important to prepare. The students will feel you don't care about them if you arrive for tutoring without having gone through the material ahead of time. They definitely pick up on your level of commitment," she warned.

"No problem. I completely agree."

"So, how do you like Forks?" she said, her hands encircling her coffee mug.

"There's a lot I like, but it's all so different. I'm getting used to it."

She took a sip of her coffee. "Rick told me you put Janice in her place, so I'd say you're already used to it," she said, grinning.

I laughed. "You heard about that, huh?"

"I think everyone in the hospital has heard about that," she responded.

I grimaced. "I really don't want a reputation as a troublemaker."

Ellen looked at me, bemused. "Not at all. People have wanted to stand up to her for years, but for whatever reason, they don't. You're kind of a hero."

I blushed. "No, please. Someone else would have said something."

"They never have until now." She shook her head. "Whatever it is that makes her miserable, she has no right to take it out on everyone else. I'd feel sorry for her if she wasn't so nasty."

We talked for awhile about more pleasant topics, such as her impending nuptials. Her face, already so exquisite, lit up even more when she talked about Rick. They were planning to wed in early May, about six weeks away. I couldn't completely envy her, she was too kind and genuine; but I was mournfully jealous of the wonderful relationship the two of them shared. At the same time, it gave me hope that I might find something, some_one_, equally extraordinary – maybe even here, in rainforest central.

I headed home around 9 p.m., and remembered with a start that tomorrow was Friday and Edward would be working the day shift with Larry, Rick and I. Which Edward would show up in the morning? I hoped it was the one I'd met on Monday. I liked that one so much better.

Day broke damp and foggy, but not rainy. It was very chilly so I dug out my winter coat and gloves. I wished I had hot coffee to drink on my way to work, but I hadn't even had the chance to pick up a new coffeemaker. Tonight, I promised myself. After work, I'd go to Port Angeles to find one if necessary, so I could be sure I'd start the weekend off right with my favorite java.

Arriving at work with five minutes to spare, I walked from the garage and felt my heart pounding. My nerves were alive and hyper at the thought that I'd be spending the next eight hours with Edward. I was already feeling self-conscious. What would we talk about? Would we talk at all?

The pharmacy door always stays locked; you need to punch in a code to gain access or have someone from inside let you in. I was so nervous that I hit the wrong keys and entered the incorrect code. Twice. Jeez, did I have to make an idiot of myself first thing in the morning? I walked into the door, chuckling.

Edward was already at his desk, sorting through orders. He looked up when I entered; I could feel his eyes on me. I don't know how else to explain it but his look didn't feel harsh, like the first time we were in this room. It seemed he was again in a better frame of mind. Thank goodness.

I met his gaze and was immediately so distracted that I stumbled. I'd thought of him a great deal in the time between our last conversation and today but it could not compare with his presence, as strikingly out of place in this drab room as a Matisse painting at a garage sale. Although his physical perfection was undeniable, there was something else there, too. Some people wear their heart on their sleeve; Edward seemed to wear his soul outward, where you could see it if you cared enough to pay attention. He appeared intelligent, thoughtful, and solemn, as if the weight of many years rested on his tall frame. What went on in that head, underneath the beautiful shock of bronze hair? "Good morning. It's nice to see you're starting off laughing," he said, looking amused.

"It took several tries before I could get the door code to work." I rolled my eyes. "I really need some coffee."

He resumed thumbing through the prescriptions, a mysterious smile playing around his extraordinary lips. "Don't you usually bring some in with you?" he asked.

"My coffeemaker waited until I moved to the rainiest place in the universe to take its last gasp," I replied. "I haven't had the chance to find another one. I'm going to run to the cafeteria before I get started. Can I get you anything?" I asked casually.

He looked at me, still smiling. "No, thank you."

Rick entered at that moment. "Hey," I said in greeting. "I'm heading to the cafeteria. Do you want something?"

"Yes. Please. Coffee. _Please_." Rick grunted as he shrugged off his jacket.

I headed out the door and down the hall, not particularly paying attention to anything around me because I was counting money in my hand. Suddenly, I heard "Good morning, Miss Swan." It was Tom Boylan. If only I'd been watching where I was going, I could have ducked into the women's room.

"Oh, hi Tom," I said, trying to smile.

"Sorry I haven't had the chance to stop by the pharmacy," he said. As if I would miss him in the week since our last meeting.

"Just as well; I've been pretty busy," I said, not wishing to be impolite but also wishing completely that I could somehow get away.

"Yes. Well." He cleared his throat. "I wanted to talk to you about our previous conversation."

I was immediately wary. "What about it?"

"I'm sorry if I offended you in any way," he said in a definite attempt to look sincere. "You understand, we always feature new employees in our newsletter. I was only trying to make you feel welcome."

By now, we were at the entrance to the cafeteria. It seemed the entire staff had chosen the same time to come here because the line was huge. I groaned inwardly; this could take awhile, which gave Tom more time to aggravate me.

"I appreciate your clarification, Tom. No offense taken," I said, trying to slide away.

He followed me, looking relieved. "I'm glad to hear you say that. Obviously, I've cancelled the article. We'll find something else to put on our front page," he said, apparently trying to assuage what he thought was my guilty conscience over all of this.

"I'm sure you'll come up with a subject that's far more worthy," I said, turning away from him, desperate to connect with a coffee urn.

"Right. Um…Bella…"

I was getting impatient. "Yes?"

"There was something else I wanted to ask you."

No, I will not be the newsletter's centerfold instead of your banner headline, I thought sardonically. "Okay. What is it?"  
"Would you like to go to dinner with me?"

I stood there, shocked. People behind us looked on in annoyance because we had stopped moving.

"Gee, Tom, thanks, but no." _Why are you making me go through this?_ I thought. _I dislike you enough as it is._

He tried to turn on the persuasive charm again. "We could go into Seattle – bet you haven't seen it yet, have you?"

"No, but…no…"

"I know an excellent restaurant. And afterward, I'll take you to this great club. Outstanding drinks and dancing." Tom was looking at me expectantly. Although my decision was made, the idea of clubbing put me off even more. I am not a club person.

"No thank you, Tom. I'm afraid that's not for me."

"Oh." He looked confused. "We could do something else, then. No problem." I was again trying to get away from him but he didn't seem to notice. All I wanted was a stupid cup of coffee!

"No, really. I have to decline."

"What – what do you mean, you have to decline?" he said, laughing a little arrogantly. "I just asked you on a date!"

"And I just turned you down." I put my hand out as if to stop him from coming any closer as I moved backwards. "Thank you, but no," I said firmly, then turned and walked away, my face as red as a clown's nose.

Furious, I grabbed the biggest Styrofoam cup they had and poured a river of coffee. I'd made it all the way down to the register when I remembered that Rick wanted some too. The others in line weren't too happy when I had to go back and get it.

Returning to the pharmacy, I plunked down Rick's cup next to him on the counter and sat at my desk, not moving for a few seconds. Edward cleared his throat and I turned to look at him. He had a definite smirk on his face.

"Something funny about Dilantin?" I asked, but I tempered my tone with a grin.

He looked up at me in surprise, then realized I was teasing him. I thought he might get angry, but he quickly smiled in a charmingly lopsided way. I considered how wonderful it would be if I could bring out that smile again and again.

"No, just thinking of something funny that I heard," he replied, shrugging.

The morning wore on as more orders were dropped off, creating a bottomless stack that would keep us going all day. I was preparing to inject antibiotics into several bags of intravenous fluids when I realized there were no plastic syringes at the counter. Edward had just returned to his desk after meting out pills, and I was standing near Rick.

Walking to the supply cabinet, I grabbed a carton with one gross of syringes and returned to where I was working, trying to open the lid. It was a fairly thick cardboard box with heavy-duty tape around it. As often happens when I get into a physical struggle with anything, aggravation sets in and reason leaps out the window. Rather than take a pair of scissors and cut the tape, I continued to fight with it. Suddenly the tape ripped, the lid came open, and 144 syringes in individual plastic wrap went sailing through the air across the counter, hitting the floor, my desk, and Edward's back.

Flustered, I scrambled from behind the counter to clean up the mess. "I'm so sorry," I said. "I have this ongoing war with inanimate objects. Today's just another day in the foxhole." Edward and I moved down to the floor, picking up all the syringes we could find.

He was having a hard time holding back his laughter. "It's okay."

I said ruefully, "You must really miss the peace and quiet of nights." At least I'd made the fortunate choice to wear pants today, since I was now crawling around the floor near my chair. We both spied a couple of remaining syringes that landed near the front of Janice's desk. Each of us moved to grab them, our hands touching briefly.

I inhaled sharply at the contact with Edward's skin, which was as cold and smooth as anything I've ever touched. It was like quickly stroking marble, with one enormous difference: a sensation like an electrical current passed between us for a fraction of a second. Perceptible and sharp, it left me stunned. I looked at him, and his gaze shifted to the floor. He appeared upset, and I thought that he must have been offended at the contact. Despite the shock, I found it pleasurable; apparently, he didn't.

"Sorry," I mumbled, apologizing again. He put the syringes on the counter behind us, and I walked back there to resume filling my medication assignments.

"I had no idea you were so...maladroit," Rick said somberly, trying to kid me out of my embarrassment.

"Nice use of a ten-dollar word." I responded, smiling. "When I finally start up my rock group, I'm going to call it The Maladroit Drugstore."

" 'Maladroit Drugstore Cowboy' will be the movie that finally wins me an Academy Award," Rick added.

"If that acting thing doesn't work out, you can join my band," I offered.

"Okay, but I want to name it something else or people will think I'm riding on my thespian credentials," Rick intoned.

"Thessalonian Thespians has a nice ring to it."

"I like The Union Suits. Or The Brain Crutches."

"Those are good. Hmmmm," I said, looking out the window, "how about Excessively Moist? Or, better yet, Perverse Precipitation."

Edward turned around suddenly. "I'm partial to Frumious Bandersnatch myself," he said.

Rick and I were so surprised to hear him say something patently humorous that we stood there, staring at him silently. Edward's smile faltered a little, and I recovered hastily. "Lewis Carroll – well played!" I said.

"You lost me," Rick said.

"Is that another band name, or a question?" Edward said, still grinning.

Rick laughed. "Could be either. I've never heard of that term, though."

"It's from the Lewis Carroll poem 'Jabberwocky,' " I explained. Edward regarded me approvingly.

"Oh, 'Alice in Wonderland'?" Rick asked.

"Yes, same author. Hey, how about this one?" I scribbled on a pad and held it up in front of them: "The PharmaCysts."

Both Rick and Edward laughed. Edward also suggested "The Flying Syringes," which earned him a mock-indignant glare from me.

Larry came out of his office at that point. "Laughter? In the pharmacy? During the day?" He was grinning. "It's been a long time since I've heard that." He seemed pleased about it, too.

"I have to go to a meeting in the administrative conference room. I should be back in a couple of hours. Think you guys can hold down the fort?" he added.

"We can stop joking long around enough to get some work done," I promised.

"Hmmmm...Hold Down the Fort. Is that too long?" Rick asked after Larry left.

"Nope. I got another one, though, inspired by all this _laughter_," I said thoughtfully. "How about Janice On Xanax?" Rick gave me a high-five for that.

The mood in the office was so relaxed. It was already far less tense than when Janice was there, but after kidding around with Edward and Rick, I felt quite comfortable. I tried to forget about Edward's reaction when our hands connected, and if he thought about it the rest of the day, it wasn't obvious.

Around noon, Edward left to go to lunch, leaving Rick and I in the pharmacy. I asked Rick if he could give me a ride to the branch of the rental car agency in Beaver, just north of Forks, when work was over. The agency said I could bring it there instead of driving all the way back to SeaTac. Mooney's had offered to drop off the Subaru at home. That was unusual, but I thought perhaps my idea of customer service was outmoded compared to Washington State's.

"I probably should have asked you earlier. I'm really sorry. I forgot that I had all this going on in one night," I said apologetically.

"It's no problem," Rick responded. "It'll only take about 15 minutes to get there. I can bring you home, then head down to Ellen's. So, you're getting your new car tonight?"

I was at my desk, turned around in my chair to face Rick at the counter. I heard the door buzz and noted that Edward had returned. "Yes," I enthused. "No more paying the rental fees! Now I'll have my own car to mess up and potentially wreck."

Rick chuckled. "That's optimistic. What kind of car did you get?"

"I bought a Subaru Forester. It's a couple of years old, with pretty low mileage. It's a hatchback, so I can throw my bike in the back and take it out where I can ride it."

Edward was at his desk, putting his book away. I wished I could see what the title was before he stuck it in his drawer.

"What kind of bike do you have?" Rick asked.

"You realize I'm talking about a bicycle, right?"

Rick looked at me, surprised. "Well, I didn't think you rode a motorcycle."

"Jacob Black did."  
He laughed. "What? However did he get that impression?

I relayed my conversation with Jacob from the previous night, and Rick shook his head. "Well, at least he agreed you aren't the motorcycle type."

I grumbled, "What, do I look like a nun?"

Rick raised his eyebrows. "No, but you don't exactly look like a biker chick, either. I doubt you've got tattoos."

I scoffed. "None that you can see."

"You might be from Jersey, but you don't scare me. So, where are you thinking about riding around here?"

"I'm not sure. I might take off down 110, or even 101, if they're fairly safe."

Edward turned to me at that point. "You may want to consider going to Bogachiel State Park. The roads are safe for biking, and they have a wide shoulder. My family often goes hiking there when we want to stick close to home. As far as the local highways -- the roads are paved well, but they are quite winding. I think they'd be dangerous for you, Bella." His voice carried my name softly. It took my stomach about half a minute to recover.

"That's a really good idea," said Rick, oblivious to the way Edward and I were staring at each other.

"Thank you...Edward." Ridiculous, how even saying his name made every one of my nerves vibrate. "I'll definitely take a look there. I was hoping to ride this weekend, if the rain holds off."

"What kind of bike did you say you have?" Edward asked.

"It's a Miyata. I've had it for about 10 years. It's a hybrid, although I tend to stick to pavement." I was babbling but I couldn't seem to stop. "Do you enjoy bike riding? Or motorcycle riding, for that matter," I added lamely.

He smiled. "No, I don't think I've been on a bike in many years. We like hiking and camping." Rick asked him how often they went to Bogachiel, and they got into a conversation about the park's features and wildlife, and what was available there compared to the two national parks, Mount Rainier and Olympic, that are close. I listened to both of them, my glance going back and forth but lingering on Edward.

It would have been nice to take a walk during my lunch break, but of course it was drizzling outside. As I signed my initials over and over again on the prescription requests I'd filled, my imagination cruised past the boring repetition and I wondered what it would be like to take a walk with Edward anywhere, though preferably somewhere dry. I was annoyed with myself for daydreaming about him when we'd only had a few good interactions (plus one bad one that I still didn't understand) and he was so obviously out of my league. Maybe I would be better off accepting that date with John. (But not Tom.) Edward would never be interested in me; I was about as plain and average as they come, and he most certainly was not.

I sighed and began sorting the copies of the prescriptions for filing. Edward looked at me out of the corner of his eye, and I saw his fists tighten and his facial muscles tense. As he had several others times that day, he excused himself and said he'd be back in a few minutes. Was he sick?

Once Edward was out of earshot, Rick commented, "You know, I've worked with him a number of times when he's subbed for someone during the day, but I don't think I've ever heard him talk so much."

"He does seem pretty quiet," I agreed. I hoped Rick would say more.

"Yeah, definitely. I mean, he's good to work with – he knows what he's doing and he'll take as many assignments as you throw at him – but he just doesn't say much. And today, he was actually cracking jokes." He smiled at me. "Maybe it's all because of you."

"What? What do you mean?" I stared at him, shocked.

"You're a lot easier to be around than Janice. The work atmosphere is much better than other times he's had to work days. He filled in quite a bit before you started here."

"Oh." For one absurd second, I thought Rick meant I cheered Edward up or somehow made him feel better about whatever was bothering him a few short weeks ago. Naturally, that was impossible. "His father seems like a very good man. Do you know anyone else from the rest of his family?" I asked.  
"Not really. I've met the mother, Esme. She's a very kind, sweet woman, and absolutely beautiful." Of course she is, I thought. "Oh, and I've met one of the daughters, Rosalie. She's also gorgeous" – he laughed self-consciously – "but she seems a little high-maintenance."

"How so?"

He pursed his lips in concentration. "Ever meet someone and right off the bat, you get the impression they're only tolerating you? As if you're somewhat beneath them, but they don't want you to think they're impolite so they kind of go through the motions with you?"

"Absolutely, I have. That doesn't seem at all like Edward, though," I said thoughtfully.

"No, he's definitely got a better personality. It's just low-key. They're adopted, so that's not unusual. The one thing all of them seem to have in common is, they're among the most attractive people Forks has ever seen," he replied.

When Edward returned, I thought again how entirely believable that was. I felt encouraged that he and I were actually compatible coworkers. It's likely that's all we ever would be. But I couldn't deny the electricity that I still felt every time I thought about our hands touching. I reminded myself that he looked unhappy when that occurred. Yet he'd also made it a point to talk to me, joined in my conversation with Rick (and according to Rick, that wasn't his usual behavior), and several times appeared as if he was going to say more to me, only to change his mind. I didn't know what to make of it all.

We were near the end of the day. I had several orders I hadn't filled yet because of questions I had on their suitability. An eight year-old was prescribed a chemotherapy drug typically given to adults, and I talked to the nurse to ensure that the doctor understood the possible implications. Another medication, requested for a 50 year-old woman, was ordered in pill form though it was known to be more effective by injection. It was often dicey to question the physicians' orders, but I considered it a part of the job, though thankfully an occasional one. I'd found that nurses were the best place to start with those questions, however. They knew their patients and could give me an educated opinion on whether I should pursue it further and contact the doctor.

The evening staff arrived shortly before 4 p.m. to catch up on any outstanding problems or issues before we left for the day. I'd finished all my orders and saw Edward organizing some belongings in a backpack. A gentle but authoritative voice said, "Are you ready, Edward?" Dr. Cullen was at the dropoff waiting to leave for the day. Viewing them in such close proximity, I saw first-hand the similarities in the cast of their skin, the paleness and the contrasting dark circles under their eyes. All this did nothing to diminish their beauty, of course; it only made it more unearthly.

"Hello, Bella. How are you?" Dr. Cullen said, smiling.

"I'm doing well, Doctor. And yourself?"

"Fine as always. Is the rain getting to you yet?"

"I think I'm growing used to it more each day. It's not as if I have a choice," I said, grinning.

"True." He watched as Edward headed out the door. "Goodnight, everyone."

I was in a cheerful mood as Rick and I left. We chatted about the wedding on the drive to Beaver. Ellen was certainly on top of a lot more details than Rick. He knew where and when, and that he had to rent a tuxedo, but other than that he seemed mystified by all the arrangements and the amount of work needed to pull off the ceremony and reception. At least he was aware they were honeymooning in Hawaii. I laughed and shook my head.

Rick dropped me off and I saw my new car in the back of the driveway. They'd left the key in the entrance at the back of the house. The outside door opened into a small hallway where another door led to Mrs. Farrelly's first-floor residence. To the left, there was a landing by a flight of stairs going up to my apartment.

I was eager to change my clothes so I could take the Subaru on its maiden voyage. Little or big Steve had registered the car and taped on temporary tags so I was able to drive it. I'd just have to head over to the Motor Vehicle agency in Port Angeles to pick up my license plates before a month was over.

As I jangled through my ring of keys to find the one that would open the upstairs door, I finally noticed a large box, nearly two cubic feet, on the landing. Mrs. Farrelly had taped a note to it:

_Hello, dear! This came for you today. I put it here so you'd be sure to see it. Mrs. F._

There was no writing on the box except for the mailing label. My name and address were printed in large, bold letters. The return address said Meilleur Cafe, Switzerland. Puzzled because I hadn't ordered anything and it wasn't my birthday, I raced up the stairs to unload everything from my arms and return for the box.

The name Meilleur Cafe sounded vaguely familiar, but I couldn't recall exactly where I'd heard it. I grabbed a pair of scissors and slowly cut through the postal tape, taking much greater care than I had earlier in the day with the box of syringes. Until I knew what this was, I was going to treat it gently.

I pulled open the flaps and saw a lot of bubble packing, arranged carefully so whatever was inside wouldn't shift during shipping. Tossing aside the debris, I pulled out a glossy second box and saw text in French. I had no idea what it said, but next to the words was a large picture of a very elegant, very high-end coffee maker.

I turned this box over and saw product information in English on the other side. Now I remembered where I'd heard the name. I'd salivated over a display of Meilleur Cafe products in an expensive small appliance store in New York City. The box I held in my hand didn't contain just any old coffee maker; it was a premium machine from the company's Swiss manufacturer. They sold excellent products in America, but the merchandise available in Switzerland was known to be superior.

Something else at the bottom of the shipping box caught my eye, and I put down the coffeemaker to take a look. I stuck my hand in and pulled out an equally high-end coffee bean grinder.

Where had all of this come from? More importantly, who had sent it? I looked through the entire shipping box. There wasn't any other documentation, not even a packing slip. The individual boxes with the appliances were sealed, so they couldn't contain any kind of card. Had someone from my family picked out this housewarming present for me? Not likely. These two machines probably cost around $400. My family didn't love me _that_ much.

It was clear from the mailing label that it was intended for me. But from who? And why? Whoever sent it knows I'm a coffee hound – that was also unmistakable. I was uncomfortable taking a present this expensive, particularly when I didn't know who purchased it. But I was also touched that someone thought to give it to me, particularly since I needed one.

"Wait – who knew I needed a new coffeemaker?" I mumbled as I sat down at my kitchen table, carefully placing the machine on top of it. Rick knew because I mentioned it to him earlier in the week. I figured I could safely eliminate him as a suspect. Tom Boylan saw me buying coffee in the cafeteria; he might have thought I couldn't make it at home. Or perhaps he thought I didn't have time that morning. More likely, he hadn't thought about it at all. I couldn't see him making this gesture.

Edward also knew. _ "Don't you usually bring some in with you?"_ he'd asked me, with an odd little smile playing around those lips.

Could this be from him? Even though he wasn't looking me in the eye – _because_ he wasn't looking me in the eye – I'd detected mischief in his expression.

My intuition clicked. I was suddenly certain he'd sent me this.

Reality check: why would someone as perfect and unattainable as Edward buy me an outrageously expensive coffee maker when I've known him only a couple of weeks, the two of us are barely friends, and the first time we met he'd looked like he wanted to boil me in oil?

Because. Because he did. I know it, somehow. I was absolutely confident it was from him.

I put the machine on the counter in the same spot where my old coffeemaker died, and the contrast was pretty funny. There was no thin plastic frame or glass carafe; this was made of sleek steel and quality synthetic material. The thermal carafe held up to 12 cups of liquid, and would keep it hot and fresh for hours. It had a built-in clock/timer and a steel mesh basket for the ground coffee so I didn't have to keep buying paper liners. I couldn't even call it a coffeemaker; the product information brochure solemnly informed me it was a "home-brewing coffee system." Specifically, the Lamborghini of home-brewing coffee systems, I mused

I felt giddy. And torn. I'd wanted a great model like this for a long time. Somewhere within the depth of my nagging insecurities, I worried about accepting a present like this from someone I barely knew, even if I could hardly refuse it under the circumstances. And I hated anyone giving me something because they thought I couldn't manage to buy it for myself. But this gift was sharp, and fun, and really, really cool.

Plus, if Edward sent it, he'd made a lot of effort to get it here. That indicated something significant about what he thought of me.

Before I went to bed, I set the timer and ground the coffee beans so the machine would start before I awoke. The weather was supposed to be good enough for a bike ride on Saturday, and so long as it didn't rain, I was going for a ride. And I was going to have a big fat steaming mug of java before I left, no matter how much I'd regret it when I was riding and desperately needed a bathroom.

I got up right around 9 to an incredibly rich aroma that infused every room. The coffee couldn't have tasted any better if someone else had made it for me and handed me a full cup just as I sat up in bed. I wished I did have confirmation of my hunch that Edward gave it to me. I wanted to thank him, among other things.

My bike was stored in a large shed in the back yard. I'd worried that the dampness would cause a lot of corrosion, so I periodically checked it since I'd been in Washington. It held up fine, fortunately, and I only had to do some routine maintenance. I examined my brakes, oiled the gears, made sure I had a spare tire and repair kit in my bike pack, and stuck a full bottle of water in the holder. One more run upstairs to get my rain jacket and I was off.

Despite Rick's and Edward's recommendation to ride in Boguchiel State Park, I decided to cruise south on Route 101 for awhile. I wanted to see some local roads, plus it would take me past the park so the next time I'd know exactly where to go. I zipped out of the driveway and started off at a good clip.

It's amazing, the things you notice when you're traveling any way except by car. I had to keep my eyes on the road, of course, but I was still able to see so much: the American foursquare houses at the end of Main Street in Forks, the wooden planks and steel cables of the bridge that transversed the rushing Sol Duc River, and then the cemetery that was laid out placidly along a small hill on the edge of town. I wondered if this was where Wendell, my student, worked; a sign there said "Forks Cemetery," and I couldn't believe there would be two in a town this size.

The forest grew more dense as I continued down the road. Edward and Rick weren't exaggerating about the curves; I had to be very cautious, and I was grateful that I was wearing a bright yellow jacket that stood out against the green foliage. The air smelled sensational, thick with the scent of the trees, brush and constant wetness. This was a place that could harbor a million secrets, I thought. The leaves, branches and bushes provided a constant cover with few gaps. Even the ground was hidden by a cushion of bright green moss, damp and springy to the touch.

I rode on for several miles, grinning the whole way and reveling in the solitude. What a relief to exercise, to work my body and push it after all the emotional stresses of the past weeks. I could feel tensions fading with each press of the pedal. It was cool, but I worked up a sweat and maintained a comfortable temperature once I reached my cruising speed.

After about five miles, I noticed something across the road, lying along the edge that straddled the asphalt and the forest. It was white, and for a second I thought it might be a glove or a hat. Curious, I checked for traffic and did a u-turn.

As I grew closer, I heard some faint noises. It was a cat, and it was crying but not otherwise moving much. I set my bike up against a tree and scooted down to take a closer look.

It was either a young cat or a teenage kitten, and it was laying there with its eyes closed. Thankfully, it didn't appear to be bleeding, but I could see it was very thin and possibly dying. "Oh, no," I said tearfully. I touched it and it meowed again but made no move to bite or scratch me. It was probably too weak.

I touched it again gently along its legs and ribs, trying to determine if any bones were broken. The cat didn't bite or hiss at me, so I thought perhaps its limbs were intact. I moved my hands along its fur gently, but I couldn't see any wounds. The eyes were clear and there was no foam or excessive saliva at its mouth. It just looked weak, thin and dehydrated.

Now what? I wasn't going to let this poor animal stay here with no help. Maybe I could walk back while carrying the cat in one hand and holding my bike with the other. I was fairly certain there was a veterinarian somewhere in or near Forks, and if I couldn't find one quickly, I'd stop at the police station to ask. I'd bring the cat home and drive to a vet if I had to. Very gently, I lifted it and wrapped it in the bottom of my jersey, holding the material with my left hand so the animal was more or less cradled in it. I steadied my bike with my right, walking carefully back to Forks. This was going to take forever. At least I had no other plans for the day.

The cat was a female, and even in her weakened condition, she responded to my touch by purring. Encouraged, I hoped we would both make it back to Forks before she got any worse. I had slowly traveled about a half-mile when I heard a car driving up behind me. Judging by the sound, it was going pretty fast.

Annoyed, I glanced to my left to see a silver Volvo pull ahead of me along the shoulder and stop. Almost simultaneously, the driver's door flung open and Edward stepped out.

"Bella? Are you all right?" He quickly walked over to me.

Startled, I asked, "Edward? What are you doing here?"

"I was driving up 101 when I thought I saw you. Why are you here? Are you hurt?" he asked with deep concern.

"No, I'm okay. I have a passenger, though, and I have to get her to a doctor," I said, nodding toward the cat in my jersey.

His eyes widened slightly. "I see. Did you find that here?"

"Yes, I was riding along the opposite side and her white fur got my attention. I couldn't just walk away."

Edward smiled indulgently. "Well, the both of you need to get out of the road. At the rate you're walking, you'll get hit." He motioned to take my bike. "I can put this in my car. I know where there's a vet in Forks. I'll take you there."

"That's really kind, but you don't have to put yourself to all that trouble," I protested. "This is sort of my problem now."

"Not at all. I'm worried about your safety on this road. Here, you can get in the car," he said, since we were standing behind the Volvo. He opened the passenger door for me.

I climbed in gingerly, trying not to jostle the cat. I heard the hatchback open, and in one swift, polished movement, Edward carefully put my bike in the car. He had already folded down one of the rear seats to make room for the bicycle. It was as if he was expecting to load something large in the back. I frowned a little at all these coincidences.

Quickly – did he ever move slowly? – Edward was back in the driver's seat, shifting into gear. Without even glancing for oncoming traffic, he pulled out onto Route 101, accelerating to the speed limit in less than a minute.

"So you didn't answer my question," he said.

"What's that?"  
"Why are you riding here?"

"The weather is finally good enough to take my bike out. I wasn't going to waste the day, " I said, still stroking the cat.

He sighed, exasperated. "No, I mean, why are you riding on the highway? Didn't we talk yesterday about the park?"

"I was riding to it."

"Why didn't you bring your bike there in your car? You have one now, and it's a hatchback, correct?" He sounded frustrated.

I was puzzled by his tone even as I realized he remembered a lot of details. "I wanted to ride there. That's kind of the purpose of the bike, you know?" I was trying to be light about it, since he seemed upset.

He didn't respond right away. Looking up, I saw that his knuckles were pressed against his mouth, and he looked uncomfortable. To my sudden embarrassment, I remembered I was quite ripe, since I'd been riding all morning in humid weather. I blushed, and he blinked several times.

"I'm sorry," I said. "I've been cycling for a few hours. Please go ahead and open a window. I won't be offended." I smiled at him, hoping to show it was okay.

He looked at me quickly and smiled back. "I thought it was the cat. No, really," he said, when he saw my look of disbelief. But he opened the window about halfway, and I saw him draw a deep breath. I felt so self-conscious. He probably wished he'd never stopped for me.

Suddenly, I looked around. "Is this your car?"

"Yes."

Somewhat skeptical, I asked, "You drive a Volvo?"

"Yes. Why?"

I laughed. I couldn't help it. "What are you, about a hundred years old?"

He stared at me for an unsafe amount of time, considering he was driving.

"I'm sorry," I apologized yet again. "I'm kidding. Sometimes my sense of humor gets ahead of me."

"No, that's okay." I was relieved when he also laughed. "Actually, I think your sense of humor is very witty."

I blushed again, and I heard him inhale deeply. "What do you have against Volvos? They're very safe, reliable cars," he said curiously.

"Nothing. I guess I associate them with…an older demographic," I replied.

Again he looked at me, his expression amused. "Perhaps they need to rethink their advertising campaign."

I smiled and looked down at the cat while scratching its head. She laid there, eyes closed, and resumed purring at my touch. I hadn't noticed before, but although she was mostly white, she also had large blotches of grey and black tabby stripes.

"How's the cat doing?" he asked.

"She seems about the same. She's purring."

"We're very close to the vet. The office is on the north side of town."

The car was now crossing the bridge and heading toward downtown Forks. We were silent as the tires pounded the wooden beams.

"Where did you go to school?" I asked.

"Chicago," he answered cautiously.

"The university?"

"Yes."

"Good school."

"Yes, it is."

This conversation was going nowhere fast. I started to ask about his interest in Lewis Carroll, at the same time he questioned where I had gone to school.

"Rutgers, and it's also a good school," I said, grinning. "Do you like Lewis Carroll very much?"

He smiled, his eyes looking straight out on the road. "I believe I like his actual writing less than I admire his ability to write while ingesting what had to be numerous hallucinogenic substances," he said wryly.

I laughed. "I think I tried to read 'Alice in Wonderland' years ago. I was a kid, and I became very confused at how different it was from watching the Disney cartoon. I like 'Jabberwocky,' though. Even though the words don't make sense, it has a great rhythm."

Edward looked at me appreciatively. Heart, do not melt; stay in one piece. You cannot afford this, no matter how much you're starting to want it.

"I also like the flow of that poem. It's one of the few nonsensical pieces of literature that I enjoy," he said.

I nodded in agreement. "I prefer any kind of writing that's more –well, traditional isn't the right word. It doesn't always have to be traditional. I like things that are descriptive and less obtuse. Otherwise, it's..." I trailed off, trying to figure out what I wanted to say next.

"Unsatisfying to read?" He finished my sentence.

I turned to him. "Yes, exactly."

We had arrived at the vet's, and Edward parked near the entrance. "I'll wait for you here."

"You really don't have to," I insisted. "You've been very generous, and I don't want to inconvenience you any more than I have. I can get back from here."

"Nonsense. I'm not going to have you walk home. If they treat the cat and let her leave, how are you going to carry her? I still don't know how you managed on the highway."

I scowled. "I managed by walking slowly, which I would do to get home now."

He didn't reply right away. "You know, you're a bit defensive sometimes," he finally said, smiling.

"No matter how I respond to that, you're going to say I've proven you're right."

He laughed, sounding delighted. "That's true. Anyway, please don't argue with me. I'll wait here for you. I can't go in with you because...of, uh, allergies," he said.

"Fine. I hope I'm not too long."

I got out of the car carefully and brought the cat inside. The receptionist looked at me quizzically, since I was walking a bit crookedly while trying not to drop the animal. I explained what happened and rolled my shirt open. She took one look at the cat, said "Oh, my. Wait just a second," and ran into the back.

There was only one other patient in the waiting room, and it appeared to also be a cat – thank goodness, since a dog might have jumped on me after smelling a feline. I was just explaining the situation to the other pet owner when the receptionist came out and said, "Right this way."

She led me to an examination room, where I laid the sickly animal down on a table. A vet who introduced herself as Dr. Calandriello immediately began asking questions about where I'd found the cat and the condition she was in when I spotted her. I answered as best as I could while the doctor examined it, gently pressing its limbs, ribs, back and stomach.

"Well, I think you're right. She doesn't seem to be hurt, just very dehydrated. We'll need to keep her here and start an IV. We'll also want to do some bloodwork on her to see if she has feline HIV," the vet said.

"How long will she need to stay?" I asked.

"It depends on how she does. If we find anything else wrong with her, it may be a few days. But if she responds to the hydration, it'll probably only be a day or two. We're closed tomorrow, but there are doctors who come to check on the animals. If you leave your name and number, someone will call you to let you know how she is," she promised.

"Thank you. I'd appreciate it. I'm pretty concerned about her," I said.

The vet smiled. "She's lucky you found her. Plenty of people would have never stopped."

I left the information with the receptionist and went back to the car, where Edward was listening to classical music.

"What happened?"  
"They want to keep her overnight, maybe longer. She's probably just dehydrated, but they need to run tests on her to be sure. They're going to call me tomorrow."

Edward was backing the car out of the parking space. I looked out the window and frowned. "Is something wrong?" he asked.

I glanced in my now-empty lap. Though I was loathe to discuss my finances with Edward, I immediately answered him honestly, as I always seemed to do. "I hope this is not too expensive. My new car took a lot out of me. Maybe they'll have a payment plan." My stomach flipped as I thought about how the bill would probably run hundreds of dollars.

He regarded me carefully. "I'm sure it'll work out. You did a great kindness. It's bound to be rewarded somehow." Out came that slightly crooked, heartwarming smile.

I directed him to my apartment and he pulled into the driveway. I was tempted to invite him upstairs, but I had to shower and expecting him to wait through that seemed awkward. And honestly, I wasn't sure if I wanted to take the chance of being turned down. I wished I could prolong our time in the car, but I didn't want to be rude, or an idiot.

I turned toward him. "How can I thank you for your help today?" Without even thinking, I laid my hand on his arm, which was covered by his jacket. Stunned and wide-eyed, he looked at me and then we both looked at my hand. I jerked it back.

"I'm sorry." Why did I apologize so much when I was around him? Quite possibly because I said or did some pretty dumb things when he was near. "In addition to making thoughtless wisecracks, I often forget to respect personal space."

"It's okay," he said quietly.

Wanting to overcome this embarrassment even though I knew I couldn't, I said, "Again, how can I thank you? You really helped me today."

"Your gratitude is more than enough. I helped you do a good deed; that's my reward."

I opened the door and got out.

"Bella?" he called.

"Yes?" I leaned in the window hopefully.

"Your bike."

"Oh! Right."

He got out of the car in one seamless movement, flipped open the hatchback and picked up my bike as if it was made of feathers.

I took it from him and said, a little wistfully, "Goodbye."  
Edward looked at me seriously, staring into my eyes almost passionately. I heard my breath catch; my heartbeat raced ahead unevenly.

"Goodbye. I'll see you on Monday."


	10. Edward, Chapter 5

**Edward finishes talking with Bella to speak with his boss. That turns out to be easier than his later conversation with Alice, who of course "sees" something suspicious about Edward's most recent behavior.**

**Edward, Chapter 5**

Reluctantly, I left Bella to follow Larry into his office. "Edward, first I wanted to thank you again for filling in for Janice later this week," he said.

"I'm glad to do it." I could say that in all truth. I was looking forward to coming in on Friday.

"I really appreciate your flexibility with your time. I'll never understand, though, how you can work a double shift from night through day and not crash at your desk," he said, chuckling. I smiled at him but didn't say anything. "Adam has to take extra time off next week. Would you be able to work for him on Tuesday night?"

Adam was the other pharmacist who routinely worked nights. "Of course. That's no problem, Larry."

I departed without looking at Bella, otherwise I'd be tempted to continue our conversation. There was no reason to return to my desk, so I had no pretense for staying later. My shift was done until I returned at the end of the week.

Of course, I would see Bella before that, although she wouldn't see me.

I left the building but remained on the hospital grounds to watch more of her day, telling myself again that she might have developed some suspicions after our morning talk. She noticed my eyes were different today from the first time she'd seen me. Did she buy my weak explanation that it had something to do with the lights? I'd said the first thing that came into my head. My carelessness meant I'd have to remain vigilant for anything we'd have to be concerned about.

I had already found out so much about her indirectly, but it was nothing compared to speaking with her in person. The sensations it stirred were amazing. I didn't recall ever feeling like this about anyone or anything. There were emotions of happiness, fear, elation, despair, gratification and surprise coursing through me, each like a wild shot. All of the happiness was simply from being near her and enjoying her warmth and humor for myself, instead of having to experience it secondhand. And the fear was for both of us. I had absolutely no certainty that she would always be safe with me, and the idea that I had to limit my time and proximity because of what I am caused anxiety…and self-hatred.

Friends, I reminded myself. We'll be friends.

But then, friends are generally happy for other friends when a romantic interest blooms. I heard John Blackhorse's thoughts in the ER when he decided to ask Bella out. He'd been vacillating since the weekend, wanting to date her but unsure of how he would be received. When the activity in the ER died down, he gathered his nerve and walked to the pharmacy on the pretense of dropping off prescriptions.

I was waiting in the same tree I'd used last week when Bella confronted Janice. It provided enough of a range where I could fan out my hearing through the building, checking everyone's thoughts for any contact with Bella. The moment I discerned John's intentions, my fury exploded; my fingers dug into the tree trunk with such violence that huge pieces of it came off in my hand. I waited for Bella's response with every muscle tensed, relaxing a bit when I heard her kindly turn John down. She appeared to be speaking honestly, not wishing to mislead him. My relief faded, however, when I heard her talking with Rick about it. It seemed she had refused John because she didn't feel ready to date after her recent breakup. Might she have feelings for him? Perhaps she was putting him off, not wanting to hurt him while she was healing. If only I could hear what she was thinking!

Rick extolled John's virtues; apparently, he knew the family. I was consumed by my need to know whether she would reject him absolutely. And then Bella told Rick she could never be interested in John, applying a balm to the maddening itch of my uncertainty.

I had no grounds to gloat, and especially not to feel as relieved as I did. I couldn't give Bella the security and normalcy that a human male would provide. Even so, Bella deserved something much better, someone worthy of her. John was a good man, no less but no more. She should be with someone who would appreciate her for the special, intelligent and compassionate woman that she is. Bella would eclipse him in nearly every way, but particularly in intellect; surely, she would want someone who is her equal.

Satisfied for the moment that John was not a concern, I went home to see my family. Friday was four days away. I would quell my curiosity in the meantime by checking on Bella at night. The thought of seeing her again was both comforting and confusing. It was soothing for me to remain near her while she slept, yet it agitated me to admit how desperately I wanted to be there. All my feelings about her were at war with each other.

Well, she talked in her sleep; she might reveal something that showed her to be suspicious, even subconsciously. I told myself that was reason enough to listen to her at night.

I again informed Carlisle of my plans, explaining what happened during my conversation with Bella that morning and casually mentioning that I had watched her again during the day.

"She obviously noticed the difference in my eyes, Carlisle, but I heard her say nothing else about it after she questioned me. I'm going to keep watch; I want to continue making sure no trouble will come from this," I said.

"Handle it as you see fit," he said. "How did you feel this morning when you talked to her?"

"It was still very difficult, but better than last time, that's certain. Maybe it's because I was prepared. At least I knew what I was in for," I said dryly.

"What about Friday? You'll be there all day with her."

"I think I'll manage. I'll have to hunt again as much as I can in the next few days. Thank you for changing your schedule," I added. He had switched to be on duty during the shifts I worked this week where I'd come into contact with Bella. "I'll leave the office and come to see you any time it gets overwhelming."

"Yes, absolutely. I'll be in and out of the ER, of course, but page me immediately if you need to," Carlisle said. He squeezed my shoulder. "I'm proud of how you're handling this, son. You've shown remarkable restraint and determination. You should be proud of yourself, too."

My father's misplaced faith in me whittled away my arrogance until only remorse was left. He attributed all my actions to a desire not to hurt Bella. While there was truth in that, my motivations were much more questionable. Increasingly, I wasn't just attracted to her blood. I had a growing interest in _her_, and it was causing me to act recklessly. I had to remember to exercise control around her in all ways. It was difficult; I sometimes said things my judgment protested because I eagerly anticipated her response or reaction. As with our conversation this morning, I wanted to draw out her secrets to fill in the outline of her character.

Regardless, I was still unsure how my resolve would hold out in the constant presence of her scent. I had a long day ahead of me on Friday. It was right to try and stay near her, to continue to inure myself to her fragrance. She would benefit from that, too.

Around 11 p.m., I headed back to Forks. I was there in minutes, quickly climbing to the top of an evergreen and again landing on the deck behind her apartment. All the lights were out, and I detected that she was asleep.

At first her breathing was normal and rhythmic. I settled back and listened, calmed by the human sound. After a few hours, I heard her thrashing in bed, mumbling. She had started to talk in her sleep.

I heard her say "no" several times and then she emitted a brief cry. Mumbling incoherently, she turned over roughly and said, "What is that?" I heard her cry out again, stronger this time. Frustrated anew that I couldn't read her thoughts and see what was happening in her dream, I made a rash decision to enter her apartment. Her cries worried me. It was probably just a human nightmare, but I was concerned that she was hurt or ill.

I walked silently to the back door and, without any trouble whatsoever, picked the lock on the doorknob. There was no deadbolt. I chastised her silently for her lack of security. I'm not the most dangerous thing out here, and she needed to protect herself.

The door opened directly into the kitchen. I looked around quickly: a simple table and four chairs, the usual kitchen appliances. Curtains hung on the windows and door, but they allowed a view into the room. This alarmed me as well. A single young woman should have a better sense of safety.

Directly in front of me, I could see a couch and other living room furniture. Overwhelming curiosity got the best of me and I completely disregarded Bella's privacy. She had ceased her cries and settled back into a deep sleep, so I stepped into the small living room and looked at some of the pictures on the wall. One was an original watercolor that appeared to be a city street scene. Another photo was old, probably from around 1930, and of a young couple standing side by side. The woman bore a strong resemblance to Bella. Fascinated, I studied the photo, seeing her eyes and prominent chin in the face of the unknown female. I guessed that the couple was her grandparents.

I noticed a bookshelf and studied the volumes she had there. A number of college textbooks and a copy of the Physician's Desk Reference were included. To my delight, I found a worn paperback of Lewis Thomas' "Lives of a Cell," one of my own favorites. Perhaps one day we could discuss it. There was also a volume of Shakespeare's collected works, some Dickens stories, fiction novels by Kurt Vonnegut, Annie Proulx and others, and political commentary. I was impressed with the variety of subjects that seemed to interest her, and I longed to talk about all of it with her.

Another shelf held numerous CDs. There wasn't much classical music in her collection; well, can't have everything, I thought, smiling. She had a number of folk/rock albums, some dating back to the 1960s, a lot of rock that extended back to the same era, and a collection of Tom Lehrer tunes. She must appreciate humor; that fit in with what I'd come to learn about her so far.

Back out in the kitchen, there was a hall off to my left that led to Bella's bedroom. I walked down softly and entered her room. I was surprised to see her sleeping in a double bed. For some reason, I assumed she would own just a twin.

Right next to the bed, a nightstand held a small lamp and an alarm clock. In one corner, there was a small wooden rocker with a wicker seat that had a pair of jeans and several shirts hanging from it. A desk with a laptop and an mp3 player was off to the other side.

The chair was positioned so that it gave me a full view of her as she slept. I sat down and watched, listening to her breathing. She still seemed restless; her legs moved as she tossed and turned. At one point, she half-moaned, half-sighed and settled back into deeper sleep.

I'd detected her powerful fragrance when I first arrived here tonight; it grew stronger when I alighted on the deck behind her apartment. I gradually adjusted to it as I sat outside, to the point where the venom diminished and the fire in my throat subsided. Now, sitting in her room only several feet away from her, the burning and scorching returned with a vengeance. Venom again filled my mouth. While my physical reaction was the same as it had been every other time I saw her, my emotional reaction was far more composed. I was able to sit in the chair quietly without being tempted to do anything I would regret. In short, I did not want to hurt her.

I counted that as a victory of sorts, and it gave me hope that at some point, the desire to keep her safe would prevail over the desire for her blood. I didn't know if I would ever cease to be a threat to her, though. It would probably be foolish to think so, I realized sadly. In a split second, the monster could take control and I could end her life. Even if I continued to subdue my nature, I was so strong I could accidentally hurt her. And if neither of the two occurred, she must never suspect anything about me or my family. If she started to realize the truth, it would have to be dealt with. What other friend would subject her to such risk? What other being who cared anything about her would casually endanger her, be cruel to her, break into her home?

I knew that being here was wrong – not just illegal, but _wrong._ Worse than spying on her, I was now violating her by invading her privacy. It would be incorrect to say I didn't care about that. My need to know her, to find out more about her concerns, her habits, her thoughts, what delighted her and what annoyed her was so great that I disregarded the courtesy I would have given her in just about any other way. I am no stranger to breaking the law; we do what we must to maintain the secret of our immortality, and that means forgery, theft and other unlawful acts are sometimes part of our life. My actions tonight seemed especially immoral because they affected a very decent, very wonderful young woman who had never asked to have me in her life, let alone in her house. But I had to know more about her. I had to know _more._

I stayed in her room until 5 a.m., when I knew she would have to wake up soon. She was still deeply asleep, so I could slip back outside without waking her. I locked the door and jumped off the deck into a tree, waiting for her alarm to go off. At 6 a.m, the music started and she groaned exactly as she did the first time I was here at the start of her day. I chuckled softly at that.

The first thing she attempted to do was brew a pot of coffee, but an eruption of blue flame from the coffee maker's cord put an end to that plan. I watched her expressions of dismay and annoyance with complete amusement. The rest of her breakfast was prepared noisily; she threw bread in the toaster, slammed the cabinet doors and tossed silverware on the counter, angry over the bad start to her day.

This gave me an idea. I could do something for her, perhaps to make up for the way I'd treated her when we first met, and now for breaking into her apartment. Excited, I left for home, my idea gaining hold as I ran back to the house.

It was almost 7, and everyone was starting their day's activities. Alice and Jasper were getting ready for school. My pint-sized but lethal sister was walking down the stairs as I raced up to my room, heading for my computer.

She grabbed my elbow, pulling me to a stop. _What are you up to?_ she demanded.

I should have known she might see this. "What do you mean?" I asked innocently.

She gave me an exasperated look. _You've got some plan to buy something crazy. For who? And why?_ She was thinking these words rather than saying them so the rest of the house wouldn't hear the entire conversation.

"It's a gift for a friend," I said calmly.

Her eyebrows shot up. _Really. Since when do you have a friend you're that close with outside of this family? I mean, _she added sarcastically, _one who would use some type of food-related appliance._

Because I hadn't decided exactly what I was buying for Bella, Alice hadn't seen it, either. Good.

"Never mind," I said severely. "I'll tell you…another time. Later. Maybe." I made a "button your lip" motion with my hand.

_I'm going to pester the living daylights out of you until you do tell me,_ she warned. I'd have to come up with something to explain myself. She wasn't kidding; Alice could be a world-class annoyance.

I kissed her forehead and said, "Have a great day at school, sis." Then I ran to my room and turned on my PC.

A couple of simple Internet searches turned up a lengthy list of possibilities for my idea. I found something perfect and ordered it special delivery, although it was coming from Europe so it would take a couple of days. I was disappointed, but it couldn't be helped.

For the next several days, I alternated between watching Bella at work and staying with her at night. I managed to keep from entering her apartment again for the time being, forcing myself to be content with listening to her breathing and her heartbeat from outside, on the deck. I made it a point to watch her morning routine; she was very funny as she woke. Even when she was out of bed, she remained very sleepy until it was almost time for her to leave. This seemed to be the case no matter how deeply she slumbered.

After midnight on Friday, I stayed near her bedroom window outside, listening to her breathing and her delicate heartbeat. It slowed to a quiet, slightly slower rhythm when she slept peacefully, as she did tonight. She didn't seem to experience any nightmares, and I heard her move only slightly. I was glad that she seemed to be getting some good rest. What could have caused such fears? I hoped I had nothing to do with it. Although I knew I could not be part of her dreams, I didn't want to be the source of her terrors, either.

As I ran home to change my clothes, I eagerly wondered what the day held for both of us. Would I find out more about Bella? Would we talk? Would she confide in me, as she started to do early in the week? I felt a little more confident about my ability to keep my savage impulses in check. Knowing that Carlisle would be there if I needed support was an enormous help. I depended on him in so many ways, and he always came through for me. I didn't want to fail him.

He and I rode to work together on Friday morning. I was sure that whatever I was feeling had to pass for butterflies in the stomach of a vampire. I was both anxious and eager to see Bella. My thoughts were engrossed in what the day would hold until Carlisle spoke.

"I believe this may be a first, but I'm actually wishing I could know what you're thinking this morning," he said, smiling. I heard his unspoken curiosity over what had me so preoccupied.

"I'm wondering how today will work out," I answered truthfully.

"You seem very calm, just distracted. That's good," Carlisle noted.

"I feel really confident. I believe today will go smoothly," I said with conviction. "I know it's not going to be easy, but I'm not put off by that. I fed a lot in preparation for today. I'm trying to be realistic and optimistic at the same time," I said, smiling.

Carlisle was relieved that I seemed unruffled. "Sounds very practical. If you need anything at all, come and see me right away," he said. We pulled into the garage and parked.

Larry was already in his office, and I was next to arrive in the pharmacy. I greeted him and organized my desk for the day. A few prescriptions had already been dropped off, and I began sorting them. Typically, when there are a couple of pharmacists on duty, the orders are shared unless one pharmacist has an exceptionally complicated assignment. I left several for Bella.

Several minutes later, I detected her scent, then heard her footsteps come through the entrance from the garage. Her heart was pounding, loud and accelerated. Was she nervous? I saw her walk past the dropoff, her head down as if upset or lost in thought. It took a couple of tries before she successfully worked the code to open the pharmacy door. I was relieved to see her chuckling to herself as she finally entered the room. She didn't appear to be unhappy or frustrated. Shyly, she finally looked at me and immediately stumbled over her own feet, as if something had thrown her off.

Bella's arrival stirred the air and drove her fragrance right over to me. It was still agonizing, though less so than the first time we'd talked. Perhaps my plan to stay in close proximity to her at night was actually paying off. Imagine that: I did it for the wrong reasons, but it turned out right anyway. Conversing with her was also a good distraction. We exchanged greetings and almost immediately she said she needed to get coffee. I decided to have a little fun with that.

"Don't you usually bring in some of your own?" I asked, knowing full well why she didn't.

With an exasperated look on her face, she explained that her coffeemaker died and she was currently without one. I knew in a couple of days that would be taken care of.

Rick arrived and took his seat behind the counter. As Bella left for the cafeteria, I heard Tom Boylan, heading there also. I stiffened as he spotted her and hurried to catch up. His thoughts of Bella were much more offensive than John's. While John certainly felt Bella was pretty, he had the decency to consider her other qualities as well. As soon as Tom saw Bella, vulgar images coursed through his mind, one after the other. Rage at his crudeness infused my vision with a red haze that I could actually see. I wanted to fly out into the hall at vampire speed and grab his neck with vampire strength. The fact that he worked in a hospital wouldn't help at all by the time I got through with him. I imagined following him home and teaching him a severe lesson about respecting women, particularly women who are far, far better than he would ever be. Fuming, I locked down my impulses and waited to hear their conversation.

It couldn't have gone any better, from my point of view, than if I scripted it myself. He first tried to make amends for previously suggesting the feature article on Bella, and then pushed his luck right out the door by asking for a date. I froze for a split second but immediately relaxed at seeing Bella's reaction in his thoughts. She politely refused, but Tom wouldn't take the hint. And when she made her rejection clear, he still didn't get it. He couldn't seem to accept that she did not want his company. His disbelief aggravated Bella to the point where she backed away from him, her hand held out as if to stop him from coming near her. She had to be horrified by all of this. Worse, the staff waiting in the huge line behind them grew impatient and glared at them.

Knowing how she hated being the center of attention, I calculated that Tom had just put the final nail in his own coffin. He left, still in shock, and I leaped into the thoughts of a recovery room nurse several yards behind Bella to continue watching her. I was right: Bella was furious, and it distracted her to the point where she almost forgot the coffee she agreed to bring back for Rick.

Giddy with relief, I had a hard time holding in my laughter at what I'd heard. I knew I wouldn't have to be concerned over Tom Boylan anymore.

She returned looking tense and irritated. At least this time I wasn't frustrated by my inability to read her thoughts; I knew exactly what happened. She sat still at her desk for a moment, gathering her composure, I assumed. I couldn't resist teasing her a little, so I cleared my throat theatrically and after a few seconds, she said, "Something funny about Dilantin?" Although her tone sounded sarcastic, I was relieved to see that her expression was relaxed and no longer annoyed.

I'd hoped I would learn more about her during our time together in the pharmacy, and Bella didn't disappoint. I was as eager to discover her shortcomings as I was to see more of her qualities, and I soon found one: she had to be the most uncoordinated human in the region, or maybe in the United States, or, possibly, anywhere. Tripping while she was simply walking was only the start.

Late in the morning, she was working quietly at the counter with intravenous fluids. I heard her walk to the supply cabinet, her aroma again swirling through the air and setting off the flames in my throat. I noticed that if she didn't move, the burning receded as the air stayed still, and the monster returned to a slumber. Each time she moved in the slightest, even so much as heaving a sigh, it set the temptation in motion again. I was building up a resistance to it, however slowly, and I was encouraged by that.

Now, she returned to resume her work but instead wound up struggling to open a box of syringes. I could actually smell her frustration; she must have been blushing, too, because her scent became more concentrated.

Suddenly, I felt something on my back and heard a light clattering noise on the floor as dozens of syringes came from behind me like miniature artillery. I was concentrating on my work and hadn't bothered to look through Rick's thoughts, as we all were preoccupied with assignments. So I didn't see ahead of time that she was fighting with the box of syringes and finally managed to tear it open forcefully, with all the contents flying out over the counter.

The aroma of her blood, heated by her embarrassment, inundated my senses. As she ran down to my desk, apologizing profusely, I ignored the draw of her scent and instead concentrated on her comical expression. Another part of my mind noted with satisfaction that the most difficult physical challenge for me at this moment was to refrain from howling with laughter. I was always careful to avoid showing much of my teeth; if my lips pulled back into a huge grin, they would certainly be exposed as the terrifying weapons they are.

Bella and I crawled around the floor – this had to be the silliest experience I'd ever had at work – and, at the same time, both of us saw the last few errant syringes near Janice's desk. We went to grab them simultaneously, and our hands grazed each other.

Many times in our brief interactions, I'd wished I could touch her to offer comfort or companionship. I've had to be satisfied with feeling her warmth from where I sat, several feet away, in this office. Now, the intensity of actual contact with her skin shocked me. It was as if a pulse of electricity passed between us. She looked at me and just as quickly looked away. With disgust, I realized she must have been revolted by my cold, lifeless skin. I wished desperately that I had thought out my actions before reaching in the same direction as Bella. I wanted to spare her the undesirable realities of my existence. And it reminded me once more of our differences, of how she would always be unsafe in my presence. It seemed a chasm that no amount of desire could bridge.

I withdrew to my desk and resumed working. Rick felt some sympathy for Bella; he could see how embarrassed she was, and he tried to joke her out of it a little. She picked up on it and the two of them started doing some riffs on silly music band names, with plays on words and alliteration. It was funny, and fairly witty. I enjoyed her quick comebacks and I wished it was I who was sharing the conversation with her. I felt a surge of envy toward Rick for the easy friendship he shared with Bella. Though I was not enraged as I was with John or Tom, I was jealous that she clearly enjoyed Rick's company.

There was nothing preventing me from joining in, though. I was one of their coworkers for today; surely they wouldn't mind. Normally, most of my family doesn't interact much with humans, and vice-versa. They seem wary of us even as they don't completely understand why, and we keep our distance for our own safety and theirs. I'd be breaking my own vow of semi-silence. I ignored a nagging concern that I was again being irresponsible and considered what I could add to the exchange. My thoughts raced through several possibilities before I settled on one I thought would stump her. I threw out a line from "Jabberwocky" and watched for their reaction.

At first Bella and Rick stared at me as if I'd lost my mind. I guess they really weren't used to hearing me speak much. I wondered for a second or two if I'd said the wrong thing until Bella nodded her head and declared, "Lewis Carroll – well played!" Her encouragement lifted my confidence; I was equally charmed by both her effort to include me and her knowledge of literature and authors. Perhaps she didn't find me so disgusting after all. And I was having fun, a rare occurrence for me at work.

Lunchtime arrived at the end of this conversation. I took my well-worn copy of Camus' "The Stranger" to Carlisle's office but didn't need it, since he was at his desk. We talked about what was happening in the hospital that day. Carlisle did emergency surgery on a woman who'd been hit by a car and suffered internal bleeding; he had to remove her spleen, but it seemed she would pull through. His immunity to human blood continues to amaze me. True, he's had three

hundred years to practice, but he often is literally covered in gore from his work here. I'm sure at times it must be very painful for him, but he is so dedicated to his craft that he soldiers on. It's just one of the many reasons I admire him.

I was proud that I hadn't needed to seek him out today. This was the first we'd seen each other since driving in this morning. I heard in his thoughts that he'd wondered how I was coping but did not wish to impose or seem as if he was checking up on me.

"I left the office a couple of times for some air," I admitted. "But I think that as the day goes on, it bothers me less. I'm able to focus on my work. I think I'm behaving relatively normally," I added, laughing.

Carlisle nodded. "You seem lighter, somehow. I was so concerned about you a few weeks back," he sighed. "It would have hurt us so much if you had to leave. You appeared almost resigned to that."

I was leaning forward while sitting in a chair in Carlisle's office, my elbows on my knees. I looked down at my hands. "I was trying to prepare myself for that. The whole...temptation was so strong. It really does seem better now," I said.

As Carlisle and I talked, I also listened to the conversation that continued in the pharmacy in my absence. Bella and Rick were discussing her new car, and how much she was looking forward to continuing her cycling hobby. It was time for me to return to work; I focused on Bella's enthusiastic words as I rounded the corner toward the office.

Rick asked her where she intended to ride. "I'm not sure. I might take off down 110, or even 101, if they're fairly safe," she responded.

The thought of Bella on a bicycle was worrisome enough; the thought of her riding along either highway was enough to make me consider encasing her in a custom-made steel cocoon. I grew frantic at the idea that some careless driver would take one of the numerous curves on those roads at an excessive rate of speed and crash right into her.

"You may want to consider going to Bogachiel State Park," I suggested. "The roads are safe for biking, and they have a wide shoulder." (I should know; I'd just hunted there several times over the last few days.) "My family often goes hiking there when we want to stick close to home. As far as the local highways -- the roads are paved well, but they are quite winding. I think they'd be dangerous for you, Bella." I carefully enunciated her name, saying it softly and enjoying the sound. She stared at me, listening intently. I couldn't look away, even when Rick spoke up.

He began asking me how often I went to Bogachiel, and we spent some time talking about Mount Rainier National Park and Olympic National Park. Fortunately, I was very familiar with the amenities of all three locations, although my family's main purpose for visiting is the wildlife. When we are bored with the local offerings, we would go to the enormous national parks for a selection of cougars, deer, elk, and Emmett's favorite, bears.

Bella was quiet as we talked, watching Rick and I, listening to both of us. I began to notice that when Rick would respond, she would slowly move her gaze away from me and to him; when I spoke, however, she immediately glanced back at me. I timed it, and out of the eight times she looked back and forth, her stare rested on me an average of five seconds longer than it did on Rick. I felt a small tinge of satisfaction at that, even though I really didn't view Rick as a competitor.

The phone rang and Rick answered it; Bella and I turned back to the orders in front of us at our desks. She flipped through the prescriptions and signed off on them, crossing her right leg over her left reflexively. Her right shoe slipped so it dangled off her toes, probably weighed down by the two-inch heel. The movement drew my attention and my gaze followed the graceful curve of her arch, which bowed gently from the ball of her foot to below her ankle. Smooth, translucent skin extended over her fine bones and down to her small heel. I imagined the unattainable delight of taking my index finger and tracing that curve, enjoying Bella with my sense of touch instead of always having to settle for sight or smell. Even the mere thought of it sent a ripple of pleasure through me.

The swell of her calf was visible just below the hem of her pants, which fell slack against her leg. Everything was in perfect shape, a perfect formation on a woman's human body. There was nothing improper about the exposure, nothing even unusual about it, but I could not take my eyes away. This small part of her in this quiet moment was as visually arresting as anything else I'd seen of her, as anything else I'd seen anywhere.

Abruptly, Bella uncrossed her legs and sighed, stirring the air and carrying her scent directly across to me. Up to that point, I was doing rather well, managing to all but ignore it after being in the office with her for four hours. Perhaps because I was focused on her so intently, the fragrance was especially potent, and I was almost lost to it again.

Frustrated, I balled my fists and held my breath. I turned away to inhale some air, subtly, I hoped, and excused myself. Bella looked up and her expression became concerned as she watched me leave the room. Was she worried about me? I wanted to believe it was that, and not that she suspected something.

I debated finding Carlisle but decided to step outside instead. It already felt as if my head was clearing and the flame in my throat was dying out. As I walked toward the main entrance of the hospital, away from the pharmacy, I head Rick comment that I seemed more talkative today. I tensed, awaiting Bella's reaction, but it seemed innocent enough. When Rick suggested she was responsible for my friendliness, she looked shocked. Another expression crossed her face that I couldn't interpret from my view in Rick's thoughts. Before I could dwell on this, they began discussing my family. I slowed my walking and concentrated, not wanting to believe that Bella would finally join in the gossip about the unusual Cullens. Instead, she merely complimented Carlisle and listened while Rick described the brief times he'd seen my relatives. Fortunately I was alone in the lobby, because I laughed out loud at his characterization of Rosalie. He was exactly right, even though he'd only met her once.

To my relief, their conversation ended at that point. I felt better so I returned to the pharmacy. I thought more about Bella's plans to bicycle tomorrow. I knew my curiosity would not give me peace until I saw her reaction to the coffeemaker, which should arrive today. That meant I'd likely stay near her all night, through the morning, when she woke up and, I hoped, used it. At that point, I could follow her on her ride, running alongside her in the woods, where she couldn't see me.

As Friday drew to a close, Carlisle met me at the pharmacy for the drive home. He asked me how the rest of my day went.

"Fine, I think. There was only one time that it really became a problem, after lunch, and I walked outside. I needed to leave only a few minutes," I explained.

"That's good news," Carlisle said, enthused. He looked at me carefully. "You look calm, even peaceful."

I smiled and nodded my head. I was planning my next twelve hours, so what seemed like peace was actually concentration.

"Esme is wondering why we haven't seen much of you lately," Carlisle added. "You may want to have a word with her tonight. You know how she worries."

Vampire minds are tireless, powerful and multi-faceted; we don't make mistakes or slip up unless something is very wrong. So this is how I knew my distraction over Bella was becoming obsessive: I was almost never home now; I was ignoring my family; and I had completely neglected to plan for Alice's vision of my recent online purchase.

"You're right. I'll make it a point to talk to her later. I hope she realizes I'm concerned about our safety," I said.

"You should reinforce that when you see her this evening," Carlisle suggested.

I came up with another idea and asked him to drop me off at a small local market. This way, I could pick up some flowers for Esme and run over to Bella's to watch her reaction when she opened the gift. Ever the good son, I'd then head home, spend some time with my parents and siblings, and return to Hoh Street to watch as Bella woke on Saturday.

From my perch, I saw Bella drop off the belongings in her arms and race back downstairs. I could hear her heartbeat, strong and fast. She must be excited about something; I hoped it was from the delivery that was supposed to have been made to her apartment earlier today. She climbed the stairs again, much slower this time; as she walked back into the kitchen, I saw she was barely managing to hold on to a large box.

I could hardly restrain my own excitement as I watched her carefully cut open the flaps. Her expression went from puzzled to confused to amazed, her brown eyes growing huge as she lifted the coffee maker. Still astounded, she stared at the photo and carefully turned the smaller box around several times until she found the writing in English. The biggest grin I'd seen on her face broke through, then was suddenly replaced by an expression of worry. She searched through the emptied carton, probably looking for the nonexistent card that would identify the sender.

Bella sat slowly at her kitchen table, carefully placing the appliance on the surface. She looked like she was concentrating very hard, and I heard her mutter softly, "Wait - who knew I needed a coffeemaker?"

And then her face cleared, sudden realization dawning on her features. Her eyes were blazing. She must have thought she'd figured it out. Did she? How frustrating that I couldn't hear! She sat there for another couple of minutes, looking as if she was intensely considering a possibility. I suddenly felt, rather than thought, that she knew it was from me. Something about the expression on her face confirmed it.

I couldn't feel any regret that she might know. I believed she wouldn't say anything to anyone; she was too discreet. She moved away from her chair and picked up the coffeemaker and grinder after removing them from their boxes, and set them on the counter. Regardless of whether she thought it was I or someone else who'd given these to her, I was thrilled to watch her enjoyment. It warmed me to see the happiness on her face; that was all I needed right now.

The time was getting late, and I had promised I'd be home with my family for at least a while. Hoping that Alice wouldn't confront me with any more of her visions, I raced home, carefully cradling Esme's bouquet. Hmmm..."Esme's Bouquet" would also make an excellent name for a rock band, I thought, laughing. Carlisle was right: I was as light as I've ever been, my dormant heart feeling suddenly reanimated.

"Edward!" Esme called out in pleased surprise as I walked through the door. "You're home!"

Rosalie let a "prodigal son" thought slip long enough for me to hear before she stopped. Even her sarcasm couldn't dim my mood. I hugged Esme and presented her with the flowers. "These are lovely! Roses, daisies, baby's breath...simple but beautiful," she said, fussing over the blooms. "I'm going to put them in water right now."

I followed her from the living room to the kitchen. "I'm sorry for my absences. I hope you know I've been watching out for any problems from Bella Swan. I can't read her thoughts, so I have to be alert for anything she may say or do that could affect us. So I've had to spend a lot of time keeping an eye on her," I said. It sounded plausible, even to me.

"Carlisle did mention that," said Esme, running cool water from the tap. "I understand. I do miss you, though," she said, touching her hand to my face. "I'm planning another restoration of a house in Port Townsend. I'd love for you to see how it's coming." Architectural history was one of Esme's hobbies; she enjoyed buying structures that were historically important but dilapidated, and restoring them to their era of greatest significance.

"That sounds great," I responded. Quickly, I calculated how long that would take before I wanted to return to Bella's. A few hours would do it, and it was worth it to make my mother happy. Plus, as long as I was with another family member, Alice wouldn't corner me and ask what I was up to.

Esme had found a beautiful Craftsman-style home dating back to around 1900. She had solicited proposals from top-notch Seattle restoration architects to bring it back to its former glory. We looked over several different plans and discussed possible sources of furniture that would reflect the period of the home's construction. Alice and Jasper were in their room, and I heard Jasper ask her to hunt with him the rest of the night.

I left Esme's office and saw the two of them near the door at the garage. Jasper didn't notice Alice narrow her eyes at me in a fierce squint.

_"I haven't forgotten. You've got some 'splainin' to do!"_ she warned in her thoughts.

"See you later," I said to both of them, smiling and completely ignoring her.

It was close to 5 a.m. on Saturday morning when I headed back to Forks. Although I was sure Bella wouldn't be up for hours, I didn't want to risk running through the yard and the trees as the sun was rising. She was sleeping peacefully, seemingly without nightmares. As was becoming my habit, I settled in among the branches of a tree, foregoing the closer deck so I could remain unseen.

I had come to realize that if Bella talked overnight, it usually happened shortly after she went into her deepest slumber. It was much later than that, so I would have missed anything she said. I was content, though, to listen to her strong heart and her breathing, enjoying almost a meditative state as I followed her human rhythms.

Unfamiliar noises started around 8:30 a.m.; it was the subdued hissing of brewing coffee. She'd set up the coffeemaker. I grinned broadly, pleased that she was already using it. Bella came out to the kitchen about a half-hour later, sleepy-eyed but with a smile on her face. She took a huge intake of breath to draw in the strong smell; her own grin stretched wider. I delighted in her blissful expression as she sat quietly at the table, drinking coffee and staring out her window. Briefly, I wondered what she was thinking, but the happiness I'd provided her with this minor present more than made up for the inability to read her thoughts. She lingered over her breakfast before getting dressed in her biking clothes.

I averted my eyes as she changed but carefully looked over her clothing when she reappeared in the kitchen. She looked to be dressed properly, with long stretch biking pants, cycling shoes, a biking jersey with a long-sleeved shirt underneath, and a rain jacket. I worried about whether she would wear headgear; Bella certainly seemed to be someone who adhered to laws and common sense, but then, she didn't bother getting very secure locks on her apartment door. My initial satisfaction at seeing her strap her helmet on disappeared once I saw her zoom down Route 101, passing the entrance for Bogachiel State Park. She couldn't have missed the sign; it was very large. It looked as if she intended to stay on the highway, a dangerous route for a cyclist.

Up to this point I was following by running parallel to her, through the woods. When she crossed the river, I took a slight detour and went to a spot along the north bank with plenty of trees on either side, where I could jump across the water undetected. I caught up with her in seconds.

She was smiling as broadly as earlier this morning, and it seemed obvious that she enjoyed the breeze and the freedom that came with riding. Relieved, I noticed that she seemed in full control of the bike. Considering some of the other physical awkwardness she'd displayed, I feared she would easily fall or even wobble treacherously along the road. Apparently she'd been riding for a number of years; she seemed very capable.

So, this was something else we had in common, I thought suddenly. I was wholly enjoying running parallel to her, my own speed slower than usual as I kept abreast of her. Even though she wasn't going very fast -- certainly nowhere near the velocity that I can run -- she clearly loved being outdoors, with the wind rushing past her and the natural beauty there to appreciate. So did I.

I would have been content to run alongside of her for hours and never would have tired of it, except that she stopped. I slowed and turned around to backtrack. She was looking intently across the road and then, after checking for traffic, crossed over and leaned her bike against the tree.

From where I stood, I could see there was something small in the grass but Bella's body obscured most of my view, so I couldn't tell exactly what it was. Suddenly, an anguished look came over her face; she was near tears. My elation at the physical activity evaporated as I was overcome with sadness and worry. What could have changed her mood so drastically? She definitely shouldn't be on the road if she was distracted; it was dangerous enough under optimal circumstances.

Immediately, I decided to get my car so I could drive back and pick her up. Reckless, I knew, but far less dangerous than the risk she was taking. I turned and ran at my normal speed, arriving at our property line in minutes.

I slackened when I realized Alice was waiting for me. She and Jasper had returned home after hunting to see I was gone, and she looked ahead to try and figure out what I was doing. She'd likely seen what my plans were the moment I decided to come home for my car.

I resumed running; I was reluctant to waste time that could mean the difference between Bella getting injured or not. I thought quickly of anything I could tell Alice. She'd never let me leave without some type of explanation.

_"Hello Edward,"_ I heard in her thoughts as I closed in on the garage. She was sitting on the hood of the Volvo, feet propped on the front bumper, her hands clasped.

I grabbed my keys and said, "Later."

"_That's what you said the last ten times I've tried to get you to explain! WHAT is going on?"_ she yelled.

"Now, now. Use your inside voice," I said, even though she wasn't speaking. She snorted.

I opened the door and started the car_. "Take me with you_," she implored.

"Not a chance," I said, pulling away at a high speed. She spun off the hood and stood there with her fists on her hips, scowling.

I tore down our driveway and pulled onto Route 101. There were no oncoming cars; mindreading does have its advantages.

Within minutes, I was very close to where I'd left Bella. I slowed down to a normal speed and saw her walking, holding her bike awkwardly with her left arm at an angle in front of her. I pulled off the road and shoved the door open.

"Bella? Are you all right?" I couldn't keep the panic out of my voice.

She looked at me like I'd just dropped from the sky. It must have appeared that way to her. "Edward? What are you _doing _here?" she asked.

It was easier to make something up for Bella than for Alice. "I was driving up 101 when I thought I saw you. Why are you here? Are you hurt?" I did a quick visual survey and noticed with relief that she didn't appear injured.

She had something rolled up in the bottom front of her jersey. "No, I'm okay. I have a passenger, though, and I have to get her to a doctor," she said, motioning downward with her head. She was holding a kitten that must have been wounded

So that's what it was. "I see. Did you find that here?"

"Yes, I was riding along the opposite side and her white fur got my attention. I couldn't just walk away." She looked at me as if pleading for my understanding. I saw again how upset she was over this little animal. I had to smile; it was so much like the Bella I was starting to know.

"Well, the both of you need to get out of the road. At the rate you're walking, you'll get hit," I said. I pointed to her bike and added, "I can put this in my car. I know where there's a vet in Forks. I'll take you there."

"That's really kind, but you don't have to put yourself to all that trouble," she argued. Bella seemed almost embarrassed now. "This is sort of my problem."

There was no way I would let her walk all the way up Route 101. "Not at all. I'm worried about your safety on this road. Here, you can get in the car," I responded. She hesitated a moment -- what internal debate was she having? -- but then carefully got in the car without disturbing the cat. The animal must have been unconscious or very close to it, because it would never be this calm around me otherwise. I loaded her bike in the back and returned to the driver's seat, shifting and pulling out on the highway.

One more hallmark of my Bella obsession: in my haste to get her off the road, I'd forgotten that she'd been cycling all morning and would have worked up a sweat from it. Her scent flooded the car as soon as she sat in the passenger seat. I wouldn't have thought it possible, but the potency of her fragrance had to be tripled, at least, from her exertion. I had to divert my attention _now_ before I was completely overwhelmed and did something stupid. Conversation seemed to help yesterday when we worked together, and there were plenty of things I wanted to ask her, so I plunged ahead, hoping she wouldn't notice my discomfort.

"So you didn't answer my question," I said, pushing for an explanation of her bike route.

"What's that?" She sounded confused.

"Why are you riding here?"

"The weather is finally good enough to take my bike out. I wasn't going to waste the day," she said, as if this was obvious.

"No, I mean, why are you on the highway? Didn't we talk yesterday about the park?"

"I was riding to it," she said, pointing her thumb back toward the park's entrance. She didn't address why she'd passed it by.

"Why didn't you bring your bike there in your car? You have one now, and it's a hatchback, correct?" Frustration crept into my tone.

"I wanted to ride there. That's kind of the purpose of the bike, you know?" She sounded as if she was trying to joke with me, although I heard her exhale nervously.

My throat was painfully dry and burning, the venom pooling in my mouth. _No._ In a vain effort to block her scent, I pushed my fist against my nose and mouth. My instincts were dangerously close to taking over. I tried to focus on her voice, her eyes, the conversation...anything but the familiar deadly response I was fighting. I needed air.

There was no way she could avoid seeing my struggle. She drew a human conclusion and said sincerely, "I'm sorry. I've been cycling for a few hours. Please go ahead and open a window. I won't be offended." Bella blushed deeply and I blinked, fending off a new assault from her tempting blood. It subsided as the crimson receded from her face.

I looked at her quickly, touched by her thoughtfulness in the midst of what had to be genuine embarrassment. If she only knew the real situation, I thought miserably. I took a cue from her habits and tried to joke. "I thought it was the cat." She looked at me incredulously. "No, really," I assured her. I opened the window and inhaled deeply, twice. And a third time.

Suddenly Bella asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes."

She looked at me strangely. "You drive a Volvo?"

"Yes. Why?"

Giggling, she said, "What are you, about a hundred years old?"

For a moment I was genuinely afraid of her intuition. Stunned, I stared at her, forgetting that she couldn't know I don't have to look at the road.

Her face grew serious. "I'm sorry," she apologized. "I'm kidding. Sometimes my sense of humor gets ahead of me."

"No, that's okay." I had to laugh. Did she have any idea what truth she spoke in jest? "Actually, I think your sense of humor is very witty."

Bella blushed again. I had to restrain myself not just from the temptation, but from asking her not to do that, as impossible as it was. The air was rushing by the open window, so I gulped another breath. "What do you have against Volvos? They're very safe, reliable cars," I asked, curious about her comment.

"Nothing. I guess I associate them with…an older demographic," she replied mischievously.

"Perhaps they need to rethink their advertising campaign," I said dryly.

I glanced at her again, immediately captivated by how lovely she looked. Bella had pulled her hair out of a ponytail and it tumbled down around her shoulders in a beautiful mess. She resumed petting the cat, and her head was tilted at an angle as she smiled at it affectionately. That little animal had no idea how lucky it was.

"How's the cat doing?" I asked, wanting her to continue talking.

"She seems about the same. She's purring," Bella said, beaming.

"We're very close to the vet. The office is on the north side of town."

Silence came over us again. I was mulling which question to ask next -- there were so many answers I wanted -- but Bella spoke first.

"Where did you go to school?" she asked.

Uh-oh. She was edging toward personal information. "Chicago," I answered cautiously. Bella wanting to know more about me: good. Me unable to tell her almost anything: bad.

"The university?" she asked.

"Yes."

"Good school."

"Yes, it is."

If I could get her talking about herself, she might forget to reciprocate. I asked her the same question regarding school at the exact moment she started to ask me about Lewis Carroll. We both hesitated for a few awkward seconds before Bella replied, "Rutgers, and it's also a good school." Smiling, she added, "Do you like Lewis Carroll very much?"

I smiled back, not out of politeness but from genuine happiness at what we were sharing. "I believe I like his actual writing less than I admire his ability to write while ingesting what had to be numerous hallucinogenic substances," I said, immediately wishing I could take it back. It sounded so pedantic.

But Bella laughed. "I think I tried to read 'Alice in Wonderland' years ago. I was a kid, and I became very confused at how different it was from watching the Disney cartoon. I like 'Jabberwocky,' though. Even though the words don't make sense, it has a great rhythm."

Perfectly true. She was so incisive. There was quite a mind residing under that riot of chestnut hair. "I also like the flow of that poem. It's one of the few nonsensical pieces of literature that I enjoy," I said.

She glanced at me quickly, nodding her head. "I prefer any kind of writing that's more –well, traditional isn't the right word. It doesn't always have to be traditional. I like things that are descriptive and less obtuse. Otherwise, it's..." She trailed off, trying to find what she wanted to say.

"Unsatisfying to read?" I didn't know her thoughts but I was quite sure I knew what she meant.

She turned to fully face me, staring. "Yes, exactly."

We were now at the vet's. I wished the drive had been longer. "I'll wait for you here," I promised.

Bella protested, "You really don't have to. You've been very generous, and I don't want to inconvenience you any more than I have. I can get home from here."

I was firm on this. "Nonsense. I'm not going to have you walk back. If they treat the cat and let her leave, how are you going to carry her? I still don't know how you managed on the highway."

She frowned at me. "I managed by walking slowly, which I would do to get home now," she snapped.

Instead of worrying that I offended her, I enjoyed her passionate response. I guessed she was easy to tease, so I pushed my luck. "You know, you're a bit defensive sometimes," I said, grinning.

"No matter how I respond to that, you're going to say I've proven you're right." She was still scowling.

Brilliant. I never knew what she was going to say next, and I loved it. I laughed in delight. "That's true. Anyway, please don't argue with me. I'll wait here for you. I can't go in with you because...of, uh, allergies." I fumbled on that last sentence. Without knowing exactly how many animals were in the vet's office, I couldn't accompany her. Animals' instincts about vampires are sharp and quick. They want to escape the moment they smell us, and my entrance would have set off a frenzy.

"Fine," she grumbled. "I hope I'm not too long."

While waiting, I listened to a CD of Mozart's piano concertos. I followed the master's notes with my hands as if playing the music on my own piano, while I also thought of some fragments of a new composition I was starting to write.

In twenty minutes, Bella returned without the cat. She didn't look upset, so I hoped that the news was good. "What happened?" I asked.

"They want to keep her overnight, maybe longer. She's probably just dehydrated, but they need to run tests on her to be sure. They're going to call me tomorrow," Bella explained, buckling her seatbelt. She looked at the grey sky and frowned, but said nothing.

"Is something wrong?" I asked.

She hesitated, looking downward. "I hope this is not too expensive," she murmured. "My new car took a lot out of me. Maybe they'll have a payment plan." She sighed.

The vet's bill would be costly, yet she'd disregarded that to save a stray. "I'm sure it'll work out. You did a great kindness. It's bound to be rewarded somehow." I smiled at her. I didn't want her to feel sad or worried about this. I had an idea for how I could provide the help she would surely refuse if she knew what I was thinking.

Changing the subject, I asked her where she lived, grateful to remember that I wasn't supposed to know that. She gave me the address and we were there in minutes, regrettably. I wanted so much to prolong this time with her, but I didn't know how to safely do that.

With a quick movement, she turned to me and said, "How can I thank you for your help today?" Before I could respond, she put her hand on my arm. Through my jacket, I could feel her pulsing warmth and I was instantly filled with fear and longing. She noticed my uneasiness and withdrew her hand. _Please...don't move away...,_ I thought pathetically. I was thrilled that she wanted to touch me, remembering how we'd brushed hands yesterday and how I was sure I repelled her.

"I'm sorry. In addition to making thoughtless wisecracks, I often forget to respect personal space," she apologized.

"It's okay," I said quietly. I wanted so much to tell her that it was far more than _okay_. I would give everything valuable I've learned in my 100 years of immortality to just enjoy her touch over and over again.

Bella glanced down before asking, "Again, how can I thank you? You really helped me today."

"Your gratitude is more than enough. I helped you do a good deed; that's my reward." I smiled gently at her.

Without another word, she exited the car and walked toward the back door of the house. She'd forgotten about her bike.

"Bella?" I called.

"Yes?" She returned to the passenger window and leaned in.

"Your bike."

"Oh! Right." She blushed at this slip of her mind.

I hauled the bicycle out of the back and pushed it toward her. _Tell her,_ something in my thoughts commanded furiously.

She looked sad all of a sudden, and then said "Goodbye."

_Tell her _what? I argued with myself._ Anything. Everything! That she's amazing. That you know how hard it was for her to move here, and how much you respect her courage. That it's wrong that she's lonely and sad. That you see she's smart, and funny, and good, and compassionate...and all those qualities are so rare in humans, let alone in _one _human..._

Bella's eyes widened slightly, and I heard the distinct sound of her heart as it raced. Her breath caught a little.

"Goodbye. I'll see you on Monday." Unnerved, I got back in the car and drove away without looking at her again.

I turned back up Main Street, not ready to return home yet. I had one more errand.

The parking lot of the vet's office was nearly empty; it was closing time and they were done with patients. The hospital and kennels were off behind the main building, so with any luck my presence wouldn't be detected by many animals. I stopped momentarily, out of view of the receptionist, to make sure there were no pets in the waiting room.

The woman was standing at some file drawers when I walked in. "Excuse me," I said in my most gracious voice.

"Yes?" she asked and then turned around. _Wow! Where did he come from?_ Flustered, she blinked her eyes and walked back to the desk.

"I'm sorry, but we're closing," she said. _You don't know how sorry I am..._ I tried not to grimace at her graphic thoughts.

"I understand, but I'm not here with an animal. There was a young woman who came here just a short time ago, with a stray cat, I believe?"

_Darn! A girlfriend!,_ the receptionist thought.

If only. "I'd like to pay the bill for the cat," I said, still smiling.

She sighed_. It figures. All the good ones really are taken._ "That's very generous of you. We don't know what the total is yet, because the cat is still here."

"That's fine," I said. "I'll give you my credit card. Please use it to pay for all the charges for the cat's stay here, as well as any future care she needs."

She stared at me. "You want me to charge all of the vet care to you?"

"Yes, that's right." I pulled out my black American Express card and handed it to her.

The woman's eyelids flew wide open and her mouth went slack_. Oh my God! I've never even seen one of these...holy moley, he must be so rich_.... She gulped and said, "Of course, sir. I'll make sure we place a note in the chart that she's never to be charged."

"Thank you. Also, please keep this confidential. She's a good friend, and she'd be very embarrassed if she knew I was doing this."

_Lucky girl....oh my God..._ "Of course, sir. I'll also make a note that she shouldn't be informed as to who is paying." She smiled pleasantly at me. "If I may, this is very thoughtful of you, sir."

I smiled. "Not really. She deserves it."

As I returned home, I thought about what I'd tell Alice. I would bet that she'd been looking ahead, trying to see what I was up to. I thought I'd go with the truth, or part of it, at least.

I walked through the door that led from the garage to the house and there she was, hopping impatiently. _"Edward-"_

"Come on," I said, grabbing her arm. "Let's go for a ride."

_"Yes!"_ Now she danced around with a big grin. _"Let me tell Jasper."_ She stopped and thought further. _"Where do I tell him we're going?"_

"You need new earbuds for your mp3" -- she had actually been thinking this recently -- "and I need better speakers. Let's go and see what's available close by."

_"Excellent."_ She stuck her head back in the doorway and said quickly, "JasperI'mgoingoutwithEdwardwe'regonnalookataudiostuffbebacksoon." She skipped toward the car, thinking, _"Let's go before he decides he wants to come with us."_

She waited until we had driven a few miles on Route 101 before she spoke. "Okay, now_ what_ is going on?"

"It's very simple, Alice. I felt bad about the way I'd treated Bella Swan that first day. She's a nice girl...woman," I amended. "And when we were at work, I heard her explain that her coffeemaker broke. So I bought her another one." It was certainly true enough, although very incomplete.

Alice leaned away and looked at me as if I'd sprouted six heads. "Since when do you give gifts to humans for any reason?"

I placed my hand over my non-functioning heart. "Really, Alice, you cut me to the quick. Do you think so little of me?"

She scowled. "Don't change the subject. What is this about, really?"

I sighed. "You have a devious mind."

"Yeah. So. That's besides the point."

Emphatically, I said, "That's it, really. My conscience got the best of me because I was worried that she would suspect. And I guess I felt guilty." I thought that if I acknowledged some emotion in all this, it would somehow sound credible. Then, Alice would be satisfied and stop asking questions.

"Oh." A new wave of doubt crossed her face. "Then why don't you want anyone else in the family to know?"

I snorted. "Because I don't want to go through this interrogation with five other people, that's why. Especially Emmett -- he'll run around the house yelling 'Edward's got a girlfriend!' like a preschooler."

She laughed. "True." Alice looked at me intently. "_Does _Edward have a girlfriend?" she asked sweetly.

"No, Edward most definitely does not." And that was true, too. Alice didn't need to know the extent of what was happening to me. I considered changing the subject but realized that would make her more suspicious. I didn't say anything else, hoping she'd think there was nothing more to it.

"Like I said yesterday, I've never seen you buy a gift for a human friend before. She must be special. And what's up with the quick ride up Route 101?" she said, eyebrows raised.

"She's a nice enough person, I guess. I helped her out again because she was stuck on the road. It's just guilt." I tried to throw her off track.

"Guilt? All of a sudden?" Alice knew my past; I hadn't always hunted animals for my feeding.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe I'm trying to atone for years' worth of sins, I don't know." She was finally silent for awhile.

"Well," she said, "I guess I have to be satisfied with that because you're not going to tell me anything more."

"There's nothing more to say," I protested.

"Whatever." She made a dismissive motion with her hand. "We'll see. Or, at least," she added smugly, "_I_ will."

The weekend moved slowly; time often passes at a snail's pace for me, but I was looking forward to another full day with Bella, and that made me impatient. I arrived at work early again, awaiting the now-familiar sounds of her footsteps and her heartbeat as she entered the hospital hall.

When she walked past the dropoff, I could see her smiling. It was a lovely sight. She hit the codes on the pharmacy door and got it right the first time.

As she entered, she ducked her head without looking at me and hung up her coat. Finally, after turning around, she met my gaze and smiled at me. Prominently, her hand held a travel mug with coffee, which I could smell from where I sat.

"Good morning," I said, smiling in return. "How is the cat?"

"Doing well," she said, nodding. "I got a call from the vet yesterday, and I can pick her up today."

"You're going to keep her?" I was positive I knew the answer, but I wanted to hear her say I was right.

"Oh, yes," she said, smiling wider. "After all that, I certainly will." She looked at me after she sat down at her desk. "Maybe we should share custody. I feel like she's as much yours as she is mine."

"No, thank you. Allergies," I reminded her.

"Oh, that's right." She placed her purse in her desk drawer and began looking through the small stack of prescriptions. "I hope Rick brings his own coffee today," she said pointedly, lifting up her travel mug. "No trips to the cafeteria for me -- I'm back to brewing my own." Watching me, she took a sip and grinned.

I regarded her with a broad smile. "Well, that's great."

"It _is_!" Bella said impishly. "I have a new home-brewing coffee system," she added, enunciating each word precisely, "and it's wonderful. The coffee is delicious." In that moment, I knew she knew, and she knew that I knew she knew, ad infinitum.

Rick arrived right then, grumbling about the endless rain. Bella looked at him with amusement. "Even I'm not complaining about it anymore. And you grew up here! Why bother?"

"Because it's Monday morning, and like the old song goes, rainy days and Mondays always get me down, and when it's a rainy day _and_ a Monday, it means I'm entitled to dispense a double-dose of gripe ointment," he replied sarcastically, in one long run-on sentence.

"Okay then, Janice," Bella said offhandedly.

That stopped Rick in his tracks, and he and I laughed. "Touche," he said. "I'm going to get some coffee, since some of us have brought in our own but are declining to share."

"I'll bring some in for you tomorrow," she promised.

We were soon inundated with prescriptions. Mondays tend to be that way; there are lots of admissions after the weekend, when normal medical routines like scheduled surgeries resume. I focused on my work while constantly aware of Bella's presence. As on Friday, I found it less difficult to keep things under control; I seemed to be developing a resistance to the worst of my instinctive reactions to her. The hardest was when she moved or exhaled heavily. At one point, she stood up and stretched, emitting a noise that was cross between a groan and a garble.

"Is it Talk Like a Pirate Day?" Rick asked hopefully. I chuckled; that's exactly what Bella sounded like.

"I guess it could be, but I was just groaning," she said, scrunching up her face in discomfort. "I'm a hurtin' buckaroo."

Alarmed, I asked, "Did you injure yourself?"

"Somewhat, yes. It's been awhile since I've been on the bike, and I'm paying for Saturday's long ride now," she said ruefully.

"Nothing serious, then," I said, smiling.

"No, nothing that Advil and an 18-hour hot bath wouldn't take care of." Bella walked to the dropoff to retrieve some more orders, looking through them as she returned to her desk. "Doesn't look as if there's anything complicated or exotic here," she said to me. "Do you want to see if there are any orders you'd prefer to take? It doesn't matter to me."

"How many are there?

"Ten here in this new bunch."

"I'll take the first five," I said, holding out my hand. She placed the papers there carefully.

I wanted to get started on these right away, so I waited for Bella to sit down and leave room for me to walk to the counter by Rick. Instead, Bella headed there too. The movement again stirred the air and pushed her scent to me, tempting and delicate, but I forced myself to ignore it. Walking past the dropoff, I pretended to check the baskets for anything more, gulping a large breath of air while I was there.

Bella walked to the shelves where the drugs were held and took some prednisone, returning to the counter to sort out the correct number of pills per the order. I waited until she was seated to retrieve the appropriate dose of digoxin for a patient in the emergency room. If we alternate like this, I thought, I can avoid literally running into her. We both seemed to prefer working with one medication at a time so as not to confuse drugs, which meant we were constantly jumping up and down. Although in Bella's case, it was more easing herself in and out of her chair. I tried not to smile each time she winced, for I didn't want her to think I was laughing at her discomfort. Since I knew it wasn't serious, I found it funny.

So the day went on, with very little time to spare for humorous conversations or socializing. It was different than Friday, which had far fewer admissions and thus fewer orders for us. Except for emergencies, doctors generally don't admit patients as the weekend arrives. The three of us fell into an easy rhythm of dividing the assignments, filling the " 'scripts" and completing the records and other paperwork. Bella was quiet and efficient, adapting effortlessly to the pace which was far more hectic than last week. I noted this as another of her qualities: she was very professional.

Larry walked out of his office around lunchtime. "No laughter today?" he said, looking disappointed.

Bella glanced up and smiled. "We're too busy. It's killing my humor mojo."

"That's too bad. It was nice," he replied, no doubt realizing that the atmosphere would turn sullen again when Janice came back tomorrow.

After Larry returned to his office, Rick said, "Maybe we can permanently switch Edward and Janice. Edward, you'll change your shift to days just for the pleasure of our company, right? _Right?"_

"Thanks, Rick, but I think I'll stay where I am," I responded. Bella smiled but said nothing.

Rick groaned. "That's just mean."

"Janice would never switch to nights even if Edward did agree," Bella noted.

"A minor point! Come on, don't you want Edward to stay with us?" Rick protested.

Bella looked up slightly and smiled again. "He's definitely better company than Janice, that's true." She snuck a glance at me, then quickly looked away.

"That's not saying much. A copperhead snake is better company than Janice," he snorted.

"Less venomous, too," I added. Of course, I was most venomous of all.

"See? Funny! That's what I'm talking about," Rick said encouraging Bella to take his side.

"Edward seems to prefer nights. It doesn't look like we can talk him out of it," Bella said. She finally looked straight at me, a blush creeping through her cheeks. "Is it easy for you to stay up all night?" she added curiously.

"Yes, actually, it is," I said, twisting a cap on what felt like the hundredth plastic pill container I'd held in eight hours.

"I couldn't even do that in college. Do you sleep during the day?" she asked.

How to answer that? I was accustomed to dodging the truth, but I hated lying to her. "I rest when I can," I said.

"It seems easy for you to change among shifts. Your circadian rhythm must deviate from the norm," she said teasingly.

"Something like that, yes," I replied.

I wished I _could _be with her more often, day or night. I wanted very much to be the normal man who stayed by her side -- at work, at home, or anywhere -- but it was never going to be that simple.


	11. Bella, Chapter 6

**Bella gets to take the cat home -- yay! She and Alice get their first glimpse of each other, but it's abruptly cut short.**

**Bella, Chapter 6**

I trudged up the stairs to my apartment, unwilling to return there alone. I was disappointed that my time with Edward didn't last longer, yet I knew I was lucky I'd had it at all. It was the strangest coincidence that he happened to be driving on Route 101 while I was there with the cat. Although I was sure I would have made it safely back to Forks, I was grateful for his help.

I felt a quiet thrill reliving the conversation we'd had. It was intimate and sweet. Despite my constant nervousness around him, our exchange today seemed natural and unforced, even easy. My stupid tendency to open my mouth and say the wrong thing didn't appear to offend him. It didn't seem like he was just being gracious, either.

On the other hand, speaking of offensive...why did I have to be riding a bike for all that time before I found the cat and Edward found me? It's probably going to take him days to get my smell out of his car.

I flicked on the kitchen light and my gaze was immediately drawn to the new coffeemaker. I'd forgotten to say anything about it. Maybe, subconsciously, I was afraid to, even if I was certain it was from him. I wasn't quite sure how he would have reacted if I'd been so forthright. I could always bring it up on Monday morning, when Edward and I would be working together again. It would be more subtle if I walked in with my travel mug held prominently in my hand. And what should I wear on Monday? Pants again, in case I caused some other unnatural disaster?

Sighing, I headed for the shower. I planned to make dinner and spend a quiet evening at home, reading and getting to sleep early. Today had been my first real opportunity to ride my bike since moving to Forks, and I was out of shape. I knew I'd be sore tomorrow, and adequate rest would help me cope with that.

It felt good to climb into a familiar, worn pair of pajamas. I curled up in bed and pulled out my frayed copy of Kazuo Ishiguro's "The Remains of the Day." I'm always drawn into this novel no matter how many times I've read it. The story elegantly combines some of my favorite themes, like love, lost opportunity, history, repression and loyalty. Tonight, though, my mind kept straying until I finally realized it was hopeless. I'd just read the same paragraph for the sixth time. If only I could sleep! Tired as I was, I couldn't power down my brain. It was like a television that wouldn't turn off, and Edward was on every channel. I tossed for a few hours until I fell into a fitful doze, burdened again by strange dreams of animals, shadows and a forest.

The rich aroma and soft puff-puff-gurgle of brewing coffee woke me pleasantly on Sunday morning. Knowing I had a lot to get done, I allowed myself the sole luxury of two mugs of coffee and a quick read of the Seattle Times. The apartment hadn't been cleaned since I moved here, so I put on some Miles Davis and devoted a few hours to housekeeping. I received a call from the vet's office about the cat; she was doing well and responding to hydration, so the doctor told me I could pick her up tomorrow after work.

It's not hard finding excuses to avoid cleaning, and now I had one that was perfect: I needed cat supplies. I ran to the supermarket and picked up food, litter, and a few toys to try and help her feel at home. I'd have to think of a name for her. "Lucky" seemed too obvious. "Chance" might work, although it sounded kind of blunt. I flipped through a mental list of names familiar from literature: Emma, Elizabeth, Darcy (which could also work for a female), or even Desdemona. Then it came to me, the perfect name: Faith. It was even more symbolic than a literary heroine, and much stronger than Chance or Lucky. Faith meant purpose in action, and I really like that. I'd had faith that moving here would be good for me. And having Faith would be good, too.

On Monday morning, I showered and reviewed the clothes I'd set out for the day. I decided to tempt fate by wearing a dress. Perhaps it would inspire me to be more careful and less clumsy. Right before I left New Jersey, I'd found a beautiful coral stretch nylon wrap that I've been wanting to wear. The color was bright but not overwhelming; for a typically rainy Monday in Forks, it was nicely cheerful. I grabbed my travel mug of coffee and headed out the door, my pulse already racing.

Walking to the pharmacy with even a couple of things to carry is always a challenge for me. I balanced my purse, a tote with my shoes, and my coffee, praying that I wouldn't dump the liquid all over myself and ruin my day before I'd even clocked in. It felt as if my heart was pumping harder with each step that brought me closer to my desk, and to Edward.

Success: I made it to the door without spilling the coffee. More success: I hit the buttons for the access code and got it right the first time. And the icing on the cake of non-awkwardness: I was able to open the door and walk in without dropping objects, stumbling, or otherwise making a fool of myself.

He was already there, of course. As soon as I dared, I looked up at him and smiled. Edward was smiling at me too, and had been since I entered. I could feel his eyes on me, and the sensation flooded me with warmth.

Edward greeted me and asked about the cat. I told him she'd be coming home with me later this afternoon. Feeling giddy, I asked him if we should share custody of her since he'd lent a hand in her rescue. "No, thank you. Allergies," he reminded me, amused. He'd told me that only two days ago. He must think I'm an imbecile.

"I hope Rick brings his own coffee today," I said, holding forth my travel mug. I couldn't help but feel delighted and slightly mischievous. "No trips to the cafeteria for me – I'm back to brewing my own." I made a bit of a show of drinking it, still smiling.

Edward returned my grin, saying, "Well, that's great."

"It IS!" I enthused. "I have a new home brewing coffee system," I explained theatrically, "and it's wonderful. This coffee is delicious." Edward's response was simply to sit there, looking at me perceptively but not speaking. I felt certain we each knew what the other meant, and didn't need to say anything else.

Rick arrived at that point, grousing about the weather in less-than-measured tones. "Okay, then, Janice," I said casually. Both he and Edward laughed.

I'd hoped we could continue this engaging start and talk more as we'd done on Friday, but the work conspired against us. Typical Monday: the prescriptions flew in through the dropoff as new admissions flooded the hospital and doctors visited patients they hadn't seen over the weekend. The volume of assignments left no time for socializing. Rick helped out where he could but was also kept occupied with ensuring that the shelves were adequately stocked and the computer log was always updated.

We established a rhythm that allowed us to get the work done smoothly, sharing the counter space and evenly dividing it all up. While this certainly wasn't as rewarding as conversing directly with Edward, I found that simply being around him, albeit in a strictly professional, nearly wordless capacity, was satisfying in its own way. I was seeing another side of him, the part that was a very capable pharmacist, an organized and considerate coworker, and a supportive colleague. My heart didn't race as much as when I spoke with him, but that was probably for the better because it was easier to concentrate. There was still real joy in work today.

In the afternoon, Larry came out of his office and noted the lack of laughter, especially compared to the previous Friday. We kidded a little about the pace of our workday and how it killed off any sense of humor for the time being. Rick suddenly – logically – associated that with the return of Janice tomorrow. He tried in vain to talk Edward into switching to days. Worse, he tried to enlist me in this cause.

The very idea prompted my otherwise composed heart to leap. Outwardly, I managed to keep calm, reminding Rick that in order for his plan to succeed, Janice would have to agree to it. There was a greater chance that Forks would enjoy more sunshine than Las Vegas throughout the next year.

"A minor point! Come on, don't you want Edward to stay with us?" Rick whined.

_Oh, yes. Yes, I do, Rick, and if you keep egging me on until I say that, I'm going to lose it...no matter that you're my friend and I know you don't understand how you're killing me over here… _

Okay, maybe if I acknowledged Rick's idea, he'd tone it down. "He's definitely better company than Janice, that's true." A genuine understatement.

Curious, I used the opportunity to ask Edward how he managed to completely reverse the normal sleep pattern and work overnight. I've always wondered about people who are able to do that. In college, when so many of my friends were either studying or partying at all hours, I always knocked off before anyone else.

"I rest when I can," he replied evasively.

I made a joke about his circadian rhythms and left it at that. He seemed to be increasingly uncomfortable with this conversation. It seemed he didn't want to permanently work during the day, even though most people prefer that shift. Maybe he really liked the pace of overnights. Maybe he really was a night owl. Maybe he didn't want to work with me all the time.

Maybe it was time for me to stop being so obsessed. I had just left a really bad relationship; I didn't believe I had the courage to get into another one. (I was still at the stage where I assumed all relationships with men would be bad, or end badly, or both.) I had no right thinking about Edward constantly. Even after seeing the way he looked at me sometimes, as if I might be of some interest, I couldn't assume that I meant anything to him. All I had to do was look at _him_ to know we inhabited different worlds. It was unlikely I could be a part of his without getting called out as a fraud.

Somewhat depressed, I left work and drove to the vet. I was anxious to see the cat and wondered if she'd remember me. With any luck, we'd get used to each other and settle into a long, happy life together. I've never understood some people's aversions to cats. Every one I've owned has been affectionate, even-tempered and good company. Their independence doesn't bother me; if anything, I appreciate it. Cats take care of themselves very well, which is a huge advantage over dogs when you work all day.

I lugged the cat carrier into the vet's office and the receptionist greeted me before I said anything. Surprised, I realized she remembered me from the day I brought the cat in. Pulling out my checkbook, I began writing the name of the veterinary practice and asked the receptionist the amount, holding my breath. If it exceeded what I could pay right now, I'd throw myself at their mercy and ask for a payment plan. I hoped they wouldn't hold the cat hostage until I settled up.

"Oh, it's all paid," she said, smiling.

"What? How?"

"Well, um, someone's paid it for you."

"Really?" I was completely confused. "I mean, who? How did that happen?"

"I'm not exactly at liberty to say," she replied, lowering her voice and looking at me conspiratorially, "but it seems you have a benefactor."

I shook my head and blinked my eyes like a cartoon character. I wasn't understanding this at all. "I have a...okay, so someone took care of the bill? And I don't owe anything?"

"No, nothing at all. In fact," the receptionist continued, and I could tell she was enjoying this, "you won't have to pay any fees at all in the future. Any time you bring the cat in, the cost will be taken care of for you."

"_Excuse me_?" I said loudly, my eyes wide.

"You don't owe us anything now, and you won't owe us anything ever in the future," she said patiently. There wasn't any sarcasm in her voice, though; she must have been anticipating my reaction.

"Wow. Huh. How?" I was the poster child for monosyllabic idiocy today.

"Just appreciate it, dear," she advised me, smiling.

A vet tech led me to an examination room to wait while he brought in the cat. She was quiet, alert, and extremely nervous, probably from the smell of other animals. Edgy as she was, she still looked one hundred percent improved over the last time I'd seen her. Even her coat was softer and almost glossy. The second I took her from the tech, she was mine.

I put her gently into the carrier and made my way out to the car. I stopped at the desk to thank the receptionist again and said, "I can't resist asking: how much was the fee for her treatment?"

"For a two-night stay, vet care, medicine, the IV, the tests...about $600," she said.

Whew. That would have knocked me around a bit. "Thanks."

I'd asked Mrs. Farrelly if I could have a pet, of course, but other than that, the one person who knew about the cat was Edward. And I'd told him I was concerned about being able to pay the vet. Who else would have done this? Who else _could_ have?

A mix of emotions flooded through me. Gratitude, for one – this had made my financial situation quite better. Awe, at his generosity and consideration. Curiosity, burning like a bonfire, wanting to know _why._ And flattery. This was no idle gesture.

Edward deserved thanks for this far more than for the coffeemaker. But how could I thank him? He clearly didn't want me to know; otherwise, why would he have told the receptionist not to tell me? Why the determination to remain anonymous?

He probably suspected I wouldn't accept the money from him if he'd offered. And he'd be right: it would have made me feel like a charity case, and I didn't want him thinking of me in that manner.

It was as if he knew that. _How?_

I had no answer. I ached with the desire to find out, though. Why did he do it? How did he know what my reaction would be? And how could I ever thank him? I felt truly, horribly guilty at not being able to show him my appreciation. Paying the cost of Faith's treatment was one thing; picking up the tab for everything else was quite another. This could run thousands of dollars.

Edward, you are a puzzle that will not be solved, I mused.

I would like to try, though.

Faith howled almost the entire way home. Fortunately, it was a short ride. I carried her carefully upstairs, talking to her in a soothing voice. I set the carrier on the kitchen floor, opened the door and let her come out in her own time.

Cautiously, she crept to the front of the carrier and sniffed the air. She looked around and timidly put one front paw outside of the door, carefully surveying everything in the area, including me. Although she'd clearly hated being in the cat carrier, she seemed to have second thoughts now that she was in another completely unfamiliar place.

"Come on, girlfriend," I encouraged her. I waited until she either spotted or smelled the cat food I'd put in a corner of the kitchen, then proceeded to ignore her for awhile, letting her eat and check out her new home. Paranoid pet-owner that I am, I made sure there were no cracks or breaks in the walls, floors or anywhere that she could fall through. Although not a tiny kitten, she definitely wasn't full grown.

I fulfilled my promise to bring in coffee for Rick on Tuesday. He was impressed.

"Wow, where'd you get this?"

"I finally got a new coffeemaker," I said,

"Must be a darn good one," he said, keeping his comments minimal so he could keep drinking.

"It is. It was a present. But the really important thing is the coffee itself," I said hurriedly, switching the subject before he could ask who gave me the gift. We discussed different brands, and I veered him off into an evaluation of Peet's Coffee, my very favorite.

Janice arrived, looking none too pleased about being at work. I smiled directly at her and said, "Welcome back, Janice."

She glanced at me as if I was rat dander and said, "Thank you." No "hello," no "how are you," nothing at all like that. She sat down at her desk and put her purse away before flipping through the prescriptions left out for her.

Rick shot me a look that said, "I _told_ you we should have switched her with Edward while we had the chance." I gave him a "Sorry about that" expression before beginning my own work.

Tuesday ended peacefully – no confrontations between myself and Janice, or anyone else, for that matter. My tendency to attract unwanted male attention seemed to have subsided for the moment. No men came to the pharmacy asking to talk only to me. I did think about Edward periodically, and that took up most of whatever free space I may have had in my head while at work.

I knew he was scheduled to work Tuesday night. My stomach and heart did little flip-flops at the thought of seeing him again in the morning. Only one day had gone by since we were both on duty in the pharmacy, yet it seemed like a much longer time to me. It was getting harder to avoid feelings like that.

When Wednesday arrived, I was more nervous than I'd been on Monday for some inexplicable reason. I tried to calm down on the drive to work, but I found myself constantly jumping ahead in my thoughts, wondering what we would talk about this morning and hoping the discussion might continue beyond his normal departure time. He didn't seem to mind staying a little later to talk to me a week ago. Heck, he didn't seem to mind picking me up while I was carrying an injured cat, and then paying for the cat to stay healthy. Maybe, this morning, more conversation would provide me with one or two more pieces of the puzzle.

I drove up through the garage, still lost in thought. After locking the car, I turned to walk to the hospital entrance. I was parked head in, with the rear of the Subaru facing the ramp where cars progressed through the three-level garage. I strolled diagonally across the concrete to the door. At that moment, I saw Edward and a tiny young woman on their way out. The woman gasped and Edward looked at her quickly, then his head whipped around toward me with a horrified look on his face.

I was so distracted by them that I barely heard a car speeding up the ramp. Then I saw the vehicle -- a large, late-model station wagon fishtailing as it attempted to turn into the aisle. The driver was rapidly losing control. He braked and turned the wheel frantically, his face in total shock as it became apparent to both he and I that he would hit me because there was no time for me to get out of the way.

I froze right in the middle of the aisle. The next thing I knew, something hard was smashing into my side, knocking me to the ground and dragging me to a space between two cars. The station wagon collided with a car parked on the left and continued sliding right at me. I saw two feet move with blinding speed and kick the rear passenger-side wheel, pushing it away from my legs, which were exactly in the car's path. The station wagon bounced and tipped slightly on the two wheels of its driver's side, and then came crashing down.

Glass shattered, followed briefly by eerie silence. Then, pandemonium started. The driver was screaming and crying that his wife was in the back seat, and that she needed a doctor. Dazed, I realized that I was on the ground, on my side, with someone half on top of me, one arm around my waist. It was Edward.

"Bella, are you all right?" he asked in a low voice.

I looked up, still stunned. "I - yes, I think so." I glanced down at my leg. I had fallen on my right side and banged my knee. My pants were frayed from being dragged, but it didn't feel as if I had any scrapes or broken skin.

Edward and I stared at each other without speaking while chaos reigned three feet away. Other hospital staff who were also arriving at work swarmed around the ruined station wagon. The woman in the back seat was screaming, her husband still crying and intermittently apologizing to anyone who would listen. I was trying to absorb what I'd just been through, and what I'd seen. Finally I said, "The woman in the car -- is she okay?

Edward regarded me with amazement. "Other than being in labor, yes, she is." I wanted to ask how he knew that, but another question popped out first.

"Was that your sister?"

Now he looked at me blankly. "What?"

"The woman who was with you -- is she your sister?"

Edward gave a low, throaty chuckle. "Yes, that's my sister Alice. Why do you want to know that?" At this point, he had moved away and was squatting next to me.

"Where is she? She must be worried about you."

His face darkened slightly and he said, "She can't get here with this mess around us." I started to rise but Edward held me down, gently yet firmly. "No, stay right where you are. You might be injured."

"I really think I'm okay."

"You aren't hurt anywhere? What about your head?"

I shook it. "I don't think I hit it, but I'm not sure," I confessed. "My knee seemed to absorb most of the blow."

Staff from inside the building had heard the crash by now and were running out. Someone called inside for gurneys.

Edward touched my leg gently, moving it a little so he could look carefully where my pants were torn. "Your suit is ruined. I'm sorry about that."

I laughed a little. "No, believe me, it's okay. Function over form is fine when you're saving my life," I said, looking him in the eyes again.

He stared back at me, his gaze roaming my face. My pulse raced, my heart thudding to a much quicker tempo. For a moment, I couldn't even recall my surroundings. Then I remembered the shock of it all happening. "How did you get to me so fast?" I asked him.

His eyes widened briefly before he composed his expression. "Bella, I was right here."

"You were over there with your sister," I said, nodding toward the entrance.

He looked at me more intently. "No, Bella, I was here. I was walking ahead of her to unlock my car. It's just a few spaces away," he said.

"No," I insisted. "I saw you by the door. Both of you."

He was about to say something else when I heard people shouting, "Down here! It's Bella and Edward! Get some more gurneys!"

Edward jumped up. "I'm alright. I don't need any help. We have to get Bella to the ER -- she needs x-rays of her knee, and she may have a head injury," he called back.

I shot him a look. "You fell too," I mumbled. "You should also get checked out." I didn't know if he heard me because I suddenly felt quite intimidated and my voice went low. I knew what I saw, and yet he was trying to talk me out of it. And how was it we were alive in the first place? The rear of the station wagon should have flattened the both of us, but he had _kicked it away with his legs._

Edward regarded me again. "I'm not hurt. I don't know whether we can say the same for you, though. Let's get you inside," he said, clearly in response to my comment.

I saw John Blackhorse's face peer around the smashed vehicles, above the space where Edward and I hit the ground. He spotted me and panic crossed his face. "Bella! Bella, are you okay?"

Edward glanced at him, and I could swear a look of annoyance shaded his features. "She isn't seriously injured, but she needs medical attention. I'm sure that car won't be gone for awhile, though," he said, gesturing toward the station wagon. The pregnant woman and her husband had already been brought into the hospital. "I'd rather not move her, but the only way we can get her out is if I lift her up. Do you have a gurney right here?"

"No," I moaned.

Swiftly, Edward was back on the ground alongside me. "What is it? Does something else hurt you?" His eyes grew wide, and his fists tightened.

"It isn't that. Please, do you have to pick me up and wheel me into the hospital?"

He looked amused again. "I really don't think you can climb over these cars and sprint into the building," he said.

I glared at him. "I wasn't planning to race you there."

He laughed and then his face became serious, as if he was about to do something he knew was necessary but didn't want to do. I figured he was not thrilled with having to hold me; he was only doing what was right. "I'm going to lift you now. I'll try my best not to jostle you too much," he said in one breath.

Before I knew it, I was in his arms. My face must have been scarlet; I could feel it. Edward held me out, away from his body, and handed me quickly but gently to John. I glanced back at him in embarrassment; he looked as if he wasn't breathing.

John didn't seem as concerned about speed as Edward did. He held me closer to his chest, walking slowly to the gurney. "How are you feeling? What hurts?"

My right knee, which was now dangling over his arm, was throbbing. "It's my knee. I can move it so I hope it's not broken, but it does ache." He shifted his hold to try and make it a little more comfortable. I looked up to see Edward talking to the young woman he'd walked out with -- his sister, Alice. She didn't seem very worried about his well being. Several times as they talked, she looked at me with a mix of concern and consternation.

John placed me carefully on the gurney and one of the ER nurses moved to my side to clamp a neck brace on me. "Is this really necessary?" I whispered as she bent over me. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Edward grin. How had he heard me? He was at least six feet away. Even John, who was at the foot of the gurney, didn't look at me after I said that.

"Yes, honey, it's a precaution," The ER nurse was using medical terms of endearment – she must be experienced. "We'll get it off as soon as we can, I promise."

Off we rode to the Emergency Room: me, the damsel in distress (mostly from embarrassment); the nurse, John, and Edward. There was no sign of Edward's sister; I assumed she'd left.

The station wagon's occupants had probably been moved to the labor and delivery unit. At the moment, there were no other patients in the ER. Good thing, too, because my posse was growing. Someone must have alerted the pharmacy as to why I hadn't reported to work, because Phil and Rick came running over. (Janice was conspicuous by her absence; I cut her some slack, though, realizing that someone had to deal with the prescriptions.) Both of them looked panicked when they saw me with the neck brace on. This stupid thing was scaring people.

"Bella! Oh my God, are you all right?" Rick said hoarsely.

I grinned. "Just making a spectacular entrance."

Rick smiled back in relief. "Bad joke. You must have hit your head."

"Wait'll you see what I do tomorrow," I said, wiggling my eyebrows.

Edward groaned. "Don't encourage her, Rick."

Phil started to ask me where I'd been hurt, but at that moment the physician arrived. It was Dr. Cullen.

"My first patient of the day! Well, Bella, what happened?"

I looked around the hospital bed from left to right. There stood John, Edward, Phil, Rick, and now Dr. Cullen, all staring at me. This situation might have been entertaining if it wasn't so humiliating. With Edward watching me even more intently than the others, I became cautious in my reply.

"I fell," I said, like a halfwit.

Dr. Cullen chuckled. "I figured it was something like that. Can you be a little more specific?"

I inhaled and said carefully, "I was walking from my car to the entrance when the station wagon came up the ramp and the driver lost control. Edward was there and he jumped ahead of the car and pulled me away, into a space between two parked cars." It wasn't exactly true, but it would do for purposes of this discussion.

"Did you hit your head?" Dr. Cullen asked.

"I don't think so, but I'm not completely sure. I banged my knee. It's a little sore, but I can move it," I answered.

He began moving his fingers gently along my scalp, examining for any bumps. As he was slightly bent over me, I noticed his cologne. It was a warm yet masculine scent, like worn clean leather and cedar chips and flannel. "I'm going to order a skull x-ray just in case, and we'll also need to take some films of your knee, of course," Dr. Cullen explained.

Then, he slowly manipulated my leg to see if my knee could bend without too much pain. He pulled out a penlight to check my pupils and their response to light. "Does your head hurt?"

"No, not at all."

"Do you feel queasy?"

"Only from embarrassment."

Everyone laughed. "Regrettably, I can't give you a cure for that," Dr. Cullen said. "After we look at your x-rays, I'll check back in with you."

I made a face. "How long is this going to take?"

Dr. Cullen looked at me sternly. "As long as it needs to, young lady."

I glanced around again. There were still five men around my bed – the first time that had ever happened, to be sure. "Doesn't anybody else work around here?" I said in mock disgust.

John said eagerly, "I'll get you to x-ray. I'm sure the techs will take you right away."

Suddenly, I remembered the other patient from this morning. "Dr. Cullen, how is the woman who was in the car?"

"She didn't have any injuries, fortunately. She's in labor now. Judging by the way things were progressing, it shouldn't be much longer for her," he replied.

I smiled. "I'll have to meet that baby later. We've got a bit of a connection now."

John moved behind me to push the bed out of the ER and over to the x-ray department. To both our surprise, Edward grabbed the foot of the bed and led the way. I heard John snort in disgust. Edward smiled at me and then quickly looked away.

We waited in the hall while John walked to the desk and gave them the order. "I can stay with her from here on in, John," Edward said authoritatively. "I know you have to return to the ER."

"No, I'm good," John protested. "There aren't any other patients."

"I'm off duty, though, so I've got no responsibilities. If we need your help, I'll come right back and get you," Edward replied firmly, although his tone left little doubt that wouldn't happen.

John grumbled something I couldn't hear and walked reluctantly back to the ER. I watched until he was out of earshot, and then I said to Edward, "Thank you. I don't want to feel any more indebted to him than I already do."

He gave me that lovely crooked smile and said, "You're welcome." His face became serious, as if he was thinking of something that concerned him.

"But I owe you the biggest thanks out of everyone. If you hadn't seen me and pulled me out of the way, I would be dead," I said, still looking directly at him.

"You owe me no debt at all. Any decent person would have done the same thing," he said briskly.

"Please don't make this seem smaller than it is," I said, and then drew in a sharp breath in anticipation of what I had to ask next. "How did you do that?" I whispered.

His eyes widened in panic again for a brief second before he said, "Do what? Bella, I told you, I was right there –"

"I'll get to that in a minute," I interrupted him. "How did you stop the car?"

Edward feigned confusion. "It hit the car next to us. The crash stopped it."

"No," I said. I was fearful of pushing this with him, but I had to put it out there. Something was – well, if not wrong, then surely unnatural. "I know what I saw."

He met my hard stare, trying to appear innocent. "What do you think you saw?"

"I _know_ I saw you at the hospital entrance. You were there with your sister," I said, speaking in a rush because I was so nervous. "And then I saw the car coming straight for me. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and you're right by my side, pulling me between the parked cars. The station wagon kept coming, and you kicked it. You kicked it so it not only stopped, it moved back and the entire car tipped on its side."

Edward looked at me in shock. I could feel the blush moving up my neck and face. He swallowed hard and said, "Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?"

I snapped, "Do you have any idea how crazy that _looked?_" Tears of frustration filled my eyes. Either he didn't believe me or he didn't trust me with the truth.

He looked away and murmured, "No one would believe you. You could have hit your head."

A tear rolled down my cheek at this fresh insult. "I. Would. Never. Tell. Anybody," I snarled through gritted teeth.

Edward watched me, at a loss for words. The technician came out and said, "Bella, let's get you in here now." I wiped away the tears before she could see.

I stared at the ceiling while Edward pushed the bed into the room where the equipment was located. He moved to pick me up and lift me to the table underneath the machine, but I pushed at his hands, still angry. "I can walk," I muttered. The unusual chill of his fingers reminded me that he had yet to overtly deny anything.

"We don't know the extent of your injuries. Just behave for a minute here, okay?" he said.

I was so furious at his condescending tone that I almost shoved myself away from him, disregarding for the moment that I was in his arms again. But in seconds, he'd laid me gently on the table.

"I'll wait outside until you're done."

"Don't bother. I've inconvenienced you enough," I said thickly.

I heard him sigh. "I'll _wait_."

The tech was quick and efficient. In less than ten minutes, she'd taken several views of my skull and numerous films of my knee from every conceivable angle.

"Do you need help getting back on the gurney? I can get -" she started to ask.

"No, I'm fine, really. They're all babying me and it's embarrassing." I cut her off. I was still emotional, and it made me rude.

True to his word, Edward was right outside the screening room. He brought me back to the ER and pushed the gurney into the curtained area where I'd been before. John came rushing over and I saw Edward roll his eyes as he straightened the bed while holding the siderail. I hid my grin.

"Bella! How are you? How'd everything go?" John said anxiously.

"Fine, John," I responded. "You were right – x-ray was great about getting this taken care of quickly."

The three of us looked at each other awkwardly. "Well, Rick asked me to call him when you got back, so I'll do that now," John said, sounding annoyed.

When he'd disappeared from view, I turned my gaze to Edward again. "So."

"So," he replied, unwilling to elaborate.

"Okay, look, I know you don't owe me anything. You just saved my life. But can I ask one more thing of you?"

"What's that?" he asked warily.

"Can we continue this conversation another time?"

"Perhaps."

Now it was my turn to roll my eyes. "I will not tell anyone. And I do not want to make you uncomfortable," I said firmly, my gaze locked in his, "but understand, I'm essentially lying to everyone here. I don't like that."

"I know," he said seriously. "Bella, please believe me, it did not happen the way you -- "

We heard footsteps approaching the curtains. It was Dr. Cullen, who said, "I've reviewed your films, Bella, and I'm happy to say that everything looks fine."

"Wow, that was fast," I said, watching Edward out of the corner of my eye.

"You picked a good day to give us all a bad scare. There are very few outpatients right now, so the radiologist and I were able to go through the x-rays right away," Dr. Cullen explained.

Rick arrived then and stood at the foot of my bed. "Hey, how are you?"

"Dr. Cullen says things look good," I replied.

"Your knee isn't broken or fractured, and there don't appear to be any tears in any tendons. It's probably just bruised. Alternate cold packs with heat, and it will help with any swelling. Do you need a prescription for pain?" the doctor asked.

"No, I think I'll be okay. Can I go back to work now?" I asked hopefully.

Dr. Cullen shook his head. "You need to go home and rest. I want you to stay home tomorrow, too, and give your knee a chance to recover. If your leg doesn't hurt on Friday when you put any pressure on it, you can return to the pharmacy." Frowning, he asked, "Do you have anyone who can stay with you at least through this evening?"

"No…why?" I asked.

"Even though your skull x-rays don't show any injury, I'd feel better if you had someone there if you feel sick or become unconscious," he said.

"I'm sure Ellen could stay with her," Rick suggested.

"Nooo," I moaned. "Seriously, I'll be fine."

"Bella, please be a good patient and let people help you," Dr. Cullen admonished me gently. "Rick, thank you. That would be an excellent idea."

I let my head fall back against the pillow and sighed heavily. Rick offered to take me home, and then returned to the pharmacy to give Phil an update.

When I looked up again, Dr. Cullen was filling out the discharge order form, which he handed over to me. "Try to keep your knee slightly elevated, perhaps with a pillow underneath it."

"Will do. Thank you, Doctor. I really appreciate everything you've done for me," I said sincerely.

He smiled at me affectionately and smoothed my hair. "You're very welcome. I'm glad I was here today. If you need more help, call the ER and I'll make sure the staff knows to contact me immediately." I didn't miss the look he exchanged with Edward before leaving.

And again, it was just the two of us, the way it had started in the garage this morning. I wanted to get out of the hospital bed once and for all, but with the siderails up, there was no way to do that except slide myself all the way down to the foot and jump to the floor – not a good idea, considering. I was forced to ask for his help.

Quickly, he moved the rail down and watched carefully as I sat up and swung my legs slowly over the side of the bed. He hesitated for a second before gently taking my elbow to steady me as I stood. Even through my suit jacket, I could feel the icy temperature of his skin. It was noticeable but it didn't bother me. Somehow, I'd come to know it as just a part of him. I inhaled deeply as I got on my feet for the first time in a couple of hours, and it was then I noticed the wonderful smell. Edward was right next to me, and I realized he must also be wearing men's cologne, like his dad. But the scent had a different, distinct flavor: crisp, clean, and fragrant, like fresh linen or a light ocean wind, blended with honeysuckle and lavender. It was intoxicating. Distracted, I tottered and almost fell into him.

He grabbed me and swiftly set me upright, releasing me from his cold hands almost immediately. "Are you all right? Do you feel dizzy?" he asked, concerned.

I shook my head. "I'm okay. Really. It's just from laying in that bed all morning." I began limping away.

Edward followed me. "Would you like a pair of crutches?"

"_No_."

I swear I could feel his smirk from behind me. "I thought not, but I figured I'd ask. It would be a smart idea, you know."

I turned to look at him. "I live on the second floor. Can you imagine me trying to get up the stairs with a pair of crutches?"

He reconsidered. "Good point."

"Anyway, Rick will help me," I said, nodding my chin towards the ER entrance. Rick was walking towards us.

I'd just remembered that the Subaru was in the garage. "How am I going to get my car home?" I said.

"I'll bring it over," Edward offered.

"Then how will you get home?"

Exasperated, he replied. "I can have my mother pick me up. Please stop worrying about silly details."

I opened my mouth with a snappy reply but thought better of it. The three of us walked to the entrance, where I waited while Rick brought his car around. Edward stood there with me.

"I really hope this all hasn't kept you from whatever plans you had today," I said as I removed my car key from the key ring. He carefully took it without touching any part of my hand.

"No, it's no problem. It's still quite early," Edward replied. His head was down, as if for all the world the sidewalk was the most fascinating object in existence.

I was working up the nerve to ask him over for dinner this weekend when Rick pulled up. Edward opened the passenger door as Rick came around to help me get into the car. There was no way I would say anything to Edward except "goodbye" while Rick was there. I clicked the seatbelt in place and turned to Edward one last time through the open window. I can't imagine how I looked to him. At that moment, I was frustrated and disappointed and mystified and...sore.

"Thank you, again. That's pretty inadequate considering you literally saved my life," I said softly, "but I want you to know how strongly I feel." _Take that however you like, Edward,_ I thought.

For a moment, his glorious face showed the same near-passion as the day he'd dropped me off at home, after I found Faith. "You are most welcome, Bella," he said quietly.

As we left the garage, Rick saw my expression and assumed it was from the pain in my knee. "It's not too horrible," I said, my voice nearly cracking. Now that the worst was over, the entire morning's events were catching up with me and my emotions were overflowing.

"Sorry, Rick, I'm suddenly feeling overwhelmed," I explained weakly. He looked at me and squeezed my hand. "Hey, no worries. Your reaction is perfectly normal. What happened today was terrifying," he said sympathetically.

I'd almost died and Edward saved me. I'd been taken to the ER and Edward stayed with me. I'd said goodbye to Edward and I grieved as if I'd never see him again. I felt mournful, like I was missing something I'd only recently become aware was vitally important. Edward's refusal to acknowledge what I'd seen hurt me. What could possibly explain how a man is that strong and fast? The truth, whatever it was, had to be some closely-guarded secret. I couldn't expect him to immediately take me into his confidence.

Rick was waiting for some sign of life. "Hey," I said brightly, "Ellen really doesn't have to come over tonight. I'm sure I'll be fine."

"You heard what the doctor said," he reminded me, frowning. "And anyway, I've already called her. She's happy to help out."

We were back at the apartment. Rick helped me get up the stairs and I thanked him profusely. My one accomplishment today was showing gratitude to all the people who'd helped me. Truly, I was overcome. I realized there were actually quite a few people in Forks who cared about my welfare. The sweetness of their concern warmed me and made my house arrest much easier to bear.

Within the hour, I heard Ellen call up the stairs to me. She arrived with a pizza and a salad, bless her thoughtful soul. I started to apologize for imposing, but Ellen held out her hand, palm facing me, and turned her head away in a classic "girl, _please_"gesture.

We sat in the living room and ate while Faith circled us, gradually working her way over to Ellen as her uncertainty over the stranger wore away. I told Ellen that no matter what, I intended to show up for my first tutoring session tomorrow.

"Look, if your knee is still hurting, stay home. I don't _want_ you there if it's gonna set you back," she warned.

I shook my head. "It's already feeling better." Thank goodness that was true. "The heat and cold packs have made a difference. I guess having it elevated is good, too." I decided to fish around for her opinion of Edward. "I'm so fortunate that Edward Cullen saw me. I could have been dead otherwise," I added.

"Rick told me something about that. Edward pushed you out of the way?" she asked.

"Yeah. Once I finally saw the car, I just froze right in the middle of the garage. He ran over and shoved me between two parked cars."

Ellen smirked. "Well, that should shut the mouths of some of the tribal elders."

I stared at her, my interest piqued. "What do you mean?"

She exhaled and thought for a moment, a pensive look on her face. "A lot of tribe members don't like the Cullens. They're very superstitious about them." It seemed as if she wanted to say more, but stopped.

Puzzled, I asked, "Superstitious?"

Ellen responded, "Did you know that the Quileute tribe is supposedly descended from wolves?"

I raised my eyebrows. "No. That's really fascinating. Is that one of your legends?"

"Yes. A few generations back, as the story goes, the tribal elders found some people hunting on their lands. These weren't...well, supposedly, they weren't human."

"What, like...aliens?"

Ellen laughed. "No, a different kind of supernatural. They were called 'the cold ones' by our tribe because they were very cold to the touch."

I was completely still. "Cold, as in physically cold? Their skin was colder than normal?"

She nodded. "Exactly. The Quileutes didn't want them on our land because they were believed to be very dangerous to humans. But these 'cold ones' came to our chief and elders and struck a treaty. The Quileutes wouldn't reveal their secret, and they assured the tribe they wouldn't hurt our people because they only hunted animals."

I felt as if every nerve was strung tight – tensed, waiting for something bad to happen. "Hunted? What do you mean?"

Ellen grimaced. "You know of beings like this through your own stories. You call them vampires."

I stared at her. "Are you saying these people...wait, are we talking about the Cullens here?"

She looked at the floor. "I shouldn't be talking about any of this." She sighed. "But the superstitions make me crazy. I've met Dr. Cullen, and he's the nicest man and most caring doctor. We're lucky to have him here. It's stupid, the way people believe these old tales."

"Look, I don't want to get you in trouble..." my voice trailed off. But since Ellen had revealed this much, I wasn't going to let it go. "So, the Cullens are related to these 'cold ones' that your ancestors knew?"

Ellen turned to face me. "They're the same."

"The same? The same _people_? How long ago are we talking about here?"

She hesitated. "About 100 years, I think."

I sat there, dumbfounded. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

"Look, it's silly. It's just old superstitions, like I said," Ellen declared abruptly, standing and picking up the empty pizza box. Faith, who had been watching us from the end of the couch, scurried off into the bedroom.

I watched the cat run away. "But the legends have to be rooted in some fact, right? Otherwise, how could they become legends?"  
She scanned my face. "I never should have said anything. I've upset you, and you're supposed to be resting. I'm sorry."

"I'm not upset," I lied smoothly. "And I won't let anyone know you've told me. Please don't worry about that. I wouldn't even say anything to Rick," I assured her.

She turned around to give me a pointed look. "_Especially_ not Rick. He gets furious when this comes up. For someone who is so supportive of our culture, he has even less patience with this stuff than I do."

I could see she was getting distressed, so I shifted gears. "Aside from the scary elements here, the legends are intriguing. I'd love to learn more. It'll help me get to know Wendell, too, and maybe understand him better."

Ellen nodded her head. "We have some books at the community center with more information. There are some great stories," she said. "Not all of them are gruesome vampire and werewolf stuff."  
"Oh, now there are werewolves too?"

She laughed. "This is the last I'm going to say about this! Remember I said the Quileutes are descended from wolves?"

"Yes, but...werewolves?"  
"The legends also say our tribesmen turn into wolves to protect our people when they need to. The presence of the cold ones triggers that. Young men become wolves because they are a natural predator of vampires." She sighed. "I can't believe what I sound like."

"Oh, it's all so interesting," I assured her. "A little unorthodox, but hey, it's still very colorful." I tried to sound offhand so she wouldn't think I was taking it all too seriously.

My insides felt like stone. This all gave me a very uneasy feeling for no rational reason whatsoever. Something about it rang true, and it wasn't simply because Edward's skin was like ice. Dr. Cullen's was also unnaturally chilly, as I'd realized when he examined my scalp. It just hadn't registered at the time. Since I'd first seen Edward, my intuition told me something lay at the heart of his different appearance. Did it have anything to do with what Ellen had just revealed?

Was I seriously contemplating the fact that Edward Cullen could be a vampire?

This was insane. Maybe the rain was getting to me more than I thought.

Ellen walked back into the living room and I forced a smile, even though I was still distracted. "Hey, tell me more about the wedding! How are the plans coming along?" I said, mustering a lightheartedness that I didn't feel.

Her face lit up. "Oh, it's going so well. Everything is right on schedule," she enthused. We began discussing her gown, the bridesmaids' gowns, table decorations, the menu, and all the minutiae that brides-to-be get lost in. I supplied the appropriate amount of supportive comments even as the rest of my mind tried to interpret the information Ellen had given me.

Around 9:30, we agreed that if I hadn't shown any signs of a concussion or any other serious symptoms, it was probably okay for Ellen to go home. She gave me her phone number and instructed me to call her or Rick if I felt "at all strange."

I did feel strange, but not physically. My knee hardly bothered me at all, and I didn't have a headache or an indication of another injury. I was stunned to my core, and I couldn't shake the feeling that what she'd told me about the Quileute legends was significant, and true.

I sent Ellen off with assurances that I'd be fine, and that I'd see her tomorrow night at the reservation's community center. I had every intention of keeping my appointment with Wendell, especially now that I'd learned of the reading material available there.

She leaned over me and quickly kissed the top of my head. "Take it easy. Remember, call if you need us," she said. I heard her soft steps down the stairs, and then the close of the outside door as she left.

The problem with being alone is that it gives me so much more opportunity to think. Reigning in my overactive imagination was very difficult right now. Easing myself up carefully, I walked over to the dining room table, where I'd left my laptop. I favored my right leg to avoid aggravating the soreness, and limped back to the couch with the computer.

I felt ridiculous even searching for "vampires." The Web sites I came across did nothing to convince me of anything, either way. There wasn't exactly any scholarly research out there on this topic – none that I could find. Many of the sites were "how-to's," repulsively enough. I found a few that weren't, and there were listings for the different type of vampires from around the world. A careful read showed several common themes: vampirism was often sexual in nature; in many cultures, women were the vampires; children were often the victims, as women who died in childbirth returned for vengeance.

Certain other aspects caught my eye: cold skin, speed, incredible strength, and in one European legend, the ability to kill with a look. I shuddered, thinking of that first day I'd seen Edward.

A few sites listed less lethal types of vampires – those that fed on animals or otherwise had the ability to exist peacefully with humans, without harming them. I was horrified to find myself comforted by these statements.

I slammed the laptop shut and moved off the couch to get ready for bed. Exhaustion had finally set in. I hoped that tomorrow, I'd be more sensible about all this. How could I take the Quileute folklore as truth?

But I knew for sure that I'd be looking closely at the history books Ellen had mentioned.

I slept late on Thursday thanks to a double-dose of Advil. My knee was slightly swollen but not really throbbing any more, so I planned to take it easy during the day and drive to La Push in the evening. I really did want to meet Wendell, and I absolutely didn't want to cancel our first session. It would set a bad tone for our teacher-student relationship, and he needed to trust my commitment.

If not for my knee, I would have thought the entire previous day was a dream. My near death, my rescue by Edward, the otherworldly tribal legends -- it was all surreal. But I knew what I saw. And I knew enough about the laws of physics to recognize there was no _rational_ reason that Edward and I were still alive. So would it make sense that the only logical explanation came by way of _irrational_ stories from ancient Indian culture? Throughout my professional training, I was always told to look at the science of any problem for justification and conclusion. That was little help here. I certainly wasn't trained in the supernatural. I've never completely disbelieved it, because I know that even if something cannot be proved or disproved, it can still exist. We know the universe is incomprehensibly enormous, even limitless, though no one has yet been able to prove its size and all of its contents.

Had I witnessed evidence of a supernatural world today? The thought made me feel a great deal uneasier than if I'd discovered something more mundane -- say, a new comet or galaxy. No one I'd ever heard of was endangered by their scientific discoveries about the universe – at least, no one from the last century. I knew I was never supposed to see what happened today. If there was a simple way to clarify everything, Edward would have told me. Instead, he lied to cover it up and even tried to convince me I was wrong. Undoubtedly, he was protecting himself and whatever secrets lay at the heart of it all.

I had no idea what that meant for me.

I'd noticed when I woke that my car had been brought home. I never heard it pull into the driveway. He didn't stop in to see how I was doing...but perhaps, if he dropped the car off last night, he saw that Ellen was over and didn't want to intrude. Considering the nature of my conversation with her, _that_ would have been awkward.

When evening arrived, I left for my first tutoring session. I spied Jacob's familiar face as he lounged on the steps with a few other young men who appeared to be his age. He recognized the car and grinned hugely, but it faded when he saw me get out and limp. Jacob rushed over and said, "Hey Bella! What happened?"

I laughed to try and set him at ease. "I almost got hit by a car. Did a pretty good faceplant instead. Well, kneeplant is more like it," I amended.

"Should you be walking?" He moved as if to assist me somehow.

"No, no, really, I'm fine. I just have to take it slow."

I noticed that he looked drawn and tired, and there were large dark circles under his eyes. "Are you alright? You look pretty worn out," I commented.

Jacob dismissed my concern with a wave of his hand. "Nah, I'm okay."

He ran ahead to open the door for me. The three other boys on the stairs stood self-consciously, unsure if they should help. I smiled at them and said hello.

"Bella, this is Seth, Embry and Paul. Guys, this is Bella." They grinned and nodded.

"Bella the Awkward," I said ruefully. "Thanks, Jacob."

He followed me to the meeting room where the tutoring took place. "Can you make it from here?"

I sighed. "Yup. Thanks. Sorry, I don't mean to sound impatient. It wears on me, having everyone worry about me."

Jacob laughed. "Yeah, why am I not surprised? Hey, I've gotta head home now, but if you need anything, let me know."

"Okay." I smiled. As he walked away, I called after him, "Jacob?"

"Yeah?"  
"Get some sleep."

He stopped for a second and summoned a grin. "Okay, _mom_."

Ellen had already spotted me and walked over. "Hey, how are you? How's the knee?"

"It's coming along. Really, it doesn't hurt at all – only if I stand for a long time. Since I knew I'd be sitting here, and I'm able to drive, I figured I'd come. I really didn't want to miss it," I explained.

"I appreciate your dedication. But if it gets too to be much, be sure to leave," she said.

I gave her a salute. "As you wish. Now, where's my student?"

She led me to a table where Wendell was already sitting. He stood up to shake my hand; he was only about five inches taller than I. What he lacked in height, though, he made up in bulk. His arms and chest were enormous, thickly muscled and surely strong. He was very polite but also very nervous.

I sat down and we started to talk about our backgrounds. I asked him about his job, and he confirmed that the cemetery I'd seen on my bike ride was indeed the location of his work. He and his wife had three children, who were close to being teenagers. Wendell's face shone with pride when he talked about his family. His eyes, deeply set in his face, almost disappeared behind his cheeks as he grinned.

We discussed his reading level, which was at about first grade. He recognized letters and some basic words but had trouble with anything more complicated. As we talked, he explained that his work had also motivated him to improve his skills.

"How did that inspire you?" I asked.

He told me that part of his job was bringing the deceased, in their caskets, to their grave sites. "I get a slip of paper with the person's name on it, and I have to bring it to wherever their headstone is. I can't read. I have to match up each letter on the paper with the letters on the headstone," he said, looking ashamed.

I caught my breath. Imagine having a loved one buried in the wrong place because someone couldn't read? I praised his initiative.

"That's good! Sometimes, a realization like that gets us moving. You made a smart choice to come here," I said encouragingly. He beamed and ducked his head, his cropped hair waving with the motion.

We got to know each other a little that evening. I liked him already; he seemed almost businesslike in his determination to learn, and that was always key to success. We started to look over the books he would use, and I explained how each week would comprise one lesson, and that he'd have homework.

The tightly-braided leather bracelet on his wrist dangled as we shook hands again before parting ways. I watched his wide, jeans-clad form while he walked away, pleased to notice that he carried his books like they already meant something to him.

My knee wasn't throbbing any more, but I still favored my right leg a little as I went looking for Ellen. "How'd it go?" she asked hopefully.

"I think it went well. I really like him," I enthused. "I hope he sticks with it. It seems like he'll do beautifully if he does."

"I hope so too," she sighed. "It took a lot for him to admit he needed help. That kind of failing isn't easy to acknowledge for a man like him. But he's very intelligent. I think you'll really bring it out of him," she added appreciatively.

"Thanks," I said, grinning. "Hey, I'd still like to borrow a few books. Can you show me where they are?"

Ellen led me to several sets of shelves that were stocked with different hardcover volumes and paperbacks. There was a mix of fiction, science, history, government, and, closest to the wall, a small number of volumes on American Indian culture.

"Here you go. Have at it. You can borrow whatever you want. I have to get back to my table; I've got lesson plans to finish," she said.

After thanking her, I browsed what was available. A couple of the books were so dense, they must have been someone's doctoral dissertation. I was looking for something that would be a slightly quicker read because I was too impatient to wade through a lot of footnotes and citations. Finally, I found two volumes: "A History of the Quileute People" and "Traditions and Folklore of the Pacific Northwest Indians." They would do for now.

Turning, I waved goodbye to Ellen and headed out the door, limping a little less than when I'd arrived.


	12. Edward, Chapter 6

**Edward, Chapter 6**

The hours of my shift were ending, and it was now 7:45 a.m. I had been thinking about Bella on and off all night, more so as the time of her arrival drew near. In preparation for seeing her again and being in close proximity, I fed nearly every day this week, since it seemed to take the edge off my thirst. It was a safety precaution; overall, my desire for her blood was less than its previous level when we were in each other's company, though it never completely went away. I wondered what she'd done since I saw her last; if she was finally in possession of the cat, and, I hoped, still enjoying her coffee.

A familiar smell caught me off guard. It wasn't the one I was expecting right now -- this was vampire, not human, and not Carlisle, either. It was Alice.

In seconds she appeared at the dropoff, pixie grin and spiky hair in place.

"Alice?" I said cautiously, drawing out her name. "What are you doing here?"

"I was on my way to school and I told Jasper we needed to stop at the hospital for a minute," she said, apparently thinking this was sufficient explanation.

"But why?" I asked. I had a bad feeling about this, and her evasiveness wasn't helping. Also, she was working hard to hide her thoughts – never a good sign.

"Well, he thinks you have a calculator I need for class today. But really..." she said, and her gaze suddenly shifted away from mine, "I was just curious."

"....about?"

"Um, Bella."

I almost exploded until I remembered Adam was at his desk not far away. "What? Why?"

She shrugged her tiny shoulders and looked at me defiantly. "I want to see what she looks like."

I shook my head. "Not necessary. Come on, I'm just about ready to leave. I'll walk you out." I'd have to depart a few minutes before my usual time to make sure Alice didn't pull any stunts.

I explained to Adam that I was needed at home, grabbed my backpack and swung open the pharmacy door. "What do you mean, you want to see what she looks like?" I hissed.

Alice frowned. "I've only seen her in my visions. You've never known any woman who's appeared to me like that – none who aren't family, anyway. I thought I'd come here this morning since you were working and Bella gets here before you leave."

I sighed. "Alice, why are you complicating this? I've already explained to you –"

We were near the door to the garage, and suddenly Alice gasped and stopped in her tracks. I looked at her quickly as her vision echoed in my own mind. It was Bella, in the middle of the aisle of the garage, with an out-of-control station wagon careening straight toward her. My head whipped around to confirm what Alice saw as the real Bella stood frozen, staring at my sister and I. In mere seconds, the car would hit her.

_NO. I cannot let this happen._

Without thinking of the ramifications, I shoved open the door and ran, with inhuman speed, to where she was standing. I grimaced as I collided with her, because even though I slowed down at the last possible second, I knew my strength could cause as much injury as the vehicle.

We were both on the ground and I scurried over to a space between two parked cars, dragging Bella with me. The driver's frantic braking caused the car to swerve and come right at us as I pulled her to safety. Only my feet were free, so I quickly kicked at the car's rear wheel. The force pushed it away and tipped it sideways before it fell back, crashing to the ground.

The wife, pregnant and near delivery in the back seat, screamed and cried as her husband tried vainly to control the vehicle. From where Bella and I lay, I could hear his thoughts, which were a river of panic, shock and disbelief.

I knew the car's occupants weren't hurt, only badly frightened. My first priority was to make sure Bella was uninjured, or to get her straight to the ER if she was. I was so terrified of what may have happened to her that I could barely speak.

"Bella, are you all right?" I finally asked, trying to keep the fear out of my voice.

She remained in the same position on the ground, stunned. "I - yes, I think so."

Relief flooded through me as I heard her speak coherently. I watched her, savoring the nearness even as it caused me physical agony. Ignoring the flames that were consuming my throat, I focused on her lovely eyes, which were wide but not fearful. As we were still on the ground, with my arm around her, I could feel the defined shape of her waist, a warm, delicate curve beneath her jacket.

All around us, the professional training kicked in as a dozen hospital staff descended on the crash scene. Once they determined the pregnant woman was uninjured but in imminent danger of delivering in the garage, they quickly moved the couple to the labor and delivery unit.

Awareness lit Bella's expression and she asked, "The woman in the car -- is she okay?

She had just taken a harsh fall and was possibly hurt, yet her first concern was for another person. I marveled at her compassion. "Other than being in labor, yes, she is," I replied, wishing for the umpteenth time that I could read her thoughts.

Then she asked, "Was that your sister?"

"What?" For a second I didn't think I'd got that right, even though my hearing was better than any other species.

"The woman who was with you -- is she your sister?"

I had to laugh – make that the umpteenth-plus-one time I wanted to know her mind. I couldn't believe she would ask that with everything that was going on around us. "Yes, that's my sister Alice." Curious, I inquired, "Why do you want to know that?"

"Where is she? She must be worried about you."

So that was it. Alice would certainly be worried, but not for the reason that Bella assumed. "She can't get here with this mess around us," I said, not quite answering her question.

Bella tried to get up but I lightly held her down. There was no chance I would let her walk away until qualified medical personnel thoroughly examined her. "No, stay right where you are. You might be injured," I instructed her.

"I really think I'm okay," she protested.

"You aren't hurt anywhere? What about your head?"

Bella looked as if she hadn't considered that. "I don't think I hit it, but I'm not sure." Her confusion did nothing to set my mind at ease. "My knee seemed to absorb most of the blow."

I reached down to check her leg carefully, thankful that I didn't smell any blood. Her pants showed no evidence of bloodstains, but the cloth on her right knee was torn and frayed from being dragged across the concrete. "Your suit is ruined. I'm sorry about that," I said ruefully.

"No, believe me, it's okay. Function over form is fine when you're saving my life." Bella laughed a little, and although I couldn't be certain, I thought she found my concern over her clothing somewhat comical. Trust her to find humor in a situation which could have been fatal. I couldn't reply at the moment; I was staring at her again, enjoying our closeness in these most perverse circumstances. I heard the pace of her heartbeat quicken, and then she broke the silence.

"How did you get to me so fast?"

_Oh, no. _I would have to lie to her. "Bella, I was right here."

"You were over there with your sister," she said, and motioned toward the hospital entrance.

"No, Bella, I was here. I was walking ahead of her to unlock my car. It's just a few spaces away." I stared at her intently, willing her to believe my story. My gaze roamed over her features, again taking in her eyes, and her mouth.

She was a little confused but not thrown off. "No. I saw you by the door. Both of you," she insisted.

I was about to repeat my fiction when one of the lab technicians yelled, "Down here! It's Bella and Edward! Get some more gurneys!"

"I'm alright. I don't need any help. We have to get Bella to the ER -- she needs x-rays of her knee, and she may have a head injury," I said as I jumped up, grateful for the interruption.

Bella's whisper floated up from the pavement. "You fell too. You should also get checked out." I was certain she didn't mean for me to hear that, but of course I did. Without thinking over the wisdom of responding, I told her, "I'm not hurt. I don't know whether we can say the same for you, though. Let's get you inside."

John Blackhorse rushed toward us after the technician called out. I heard his thoughts as he approached: _What the hell happened? Is she hurt? I hear someone talking…_ And then, horror as he saw Bella and I on the ground. "Bella! Bella, are you okay?"

I was irritated at his intrusion. I would have preferred taking care of her myself, but as long as he was here, I would have to include him. He was an orderly and thus was responsible for helping accident victims. "She isn't seriously injured, but she needs medical attention. I'm sure that car won't be gone for awhile, though," I explained as I motioned to the destroyed station wagon.

It would be difficult in some ways for me to pick up Bella and hold her, but I was damned if I'd let John do that, even if he could fit in the space Bella and I occupied. "I'd rather not move her, but the only way we can get her out is if I lift her up. Do you have a gurney right here?" I asked him.

At these words, Bella moaned, "No." Her voice was so pained I believed she must have moved something that was wounded.

"What is it? Does something else hurt you?" I waited, my fists clenched against the possibility of a bad injury and my breath held against the migrating fragrance of her blood. She was blushing a great deal right now.

"It isn't that. Please, do you have to pick me up and wheel me into the hospital?" she said, whining.

"I really don't think you can climb over these cars and sprint into the building," I said, amused. I should have known this was her problem, considering how much she hates attention.

Bella scowled. "I wasn't planning to race you there."

She'd made me laugh again, right before I had to do the most difficult thing since meeting her – possibly the most difficult thing in my immortality. "I'm going to lift you now. I'll try my best not to jostle you too much," I said quickly.

Cursing the eternal life that made it impossible for me to be near her without wanting to kill her, I swiftly handed her over to John. If I was a normal man, I would have prolonged it as surely as I knew John would. But then, if I was a normal man, Bella would probably not be alive right now.

Bella's entire face and neck were a wild shade of red. As soon as John carried her an adequate distance, I finished exhaling and watched them. I would give anything to be in John's place, moving her to safety instead of imperiling her life. Dimly, I was aware that Alice was walking toward me, but I was too furious over the contents of John's roaming thoughts to pay much attention until she spoke.

"Well, brother, that was quite a show," she said carefully.

"Do you think anyone saw?" I asked. Our voices were very low so no one could hear.

"Yeah, I think someone saw. She did," Alice said, glancing at Bella.

I sighed. "I know. I mean, anyone else."

Alice shook her head. "Don't believe so. Until they found you, everyone was concerned about the couple in the car. No one said anything about the crash itself."

My expression hardened from what I heard in her thoughts. "What was I supposed to do, stand there and let her die?" I hissed.

"That's not it," she said, glancing at Bella again. "This is going to be a problem in so many ways. You know it's not going to sit well with some of our siblings." She looked at me significantly.

"I'll deal with that later. I'm going to stay here and see if she says anything," I said grimly. "Carlisle is on duty. With any luck, he'll be the physician who examines her and then he and I can talk before we arrive home."

Alice touched my arm softly. "Do you want me to say anything to the others? If they get the chance to blow up first, things may calm down a little by the time you get home."

"That could help. I'll leave it up to you as to whether you want to put yourself in that position." I kissed her forehead. "See you later."

The ER nurse had fastened a plastic orthopedic collar around Bella's neck, and I could feel the waves of her aggravation from where I stood. I had to smile. I was in for a mighty bad storm when I got home, but for now, I was quite sure that Bella was alright, and that mattered most.

We walked to the emergency room, and I helped the nurse park the gurney in one of the curtained stalls. Rick Sandoval and Phil Twogood came running in, hesitating until they found where Bella had been situated.

"Bella! Oh my God, are you all right?" Rick said, eyes wide with worry.

I thought I knew her well enough to predict she would start kidding to set everyone at ease. "Just making a spectacular entrance," she said, smiling. _Yes_ –got that right.

"Bad joke. You must have hit your head," Rick scoffed, clearly relieved.

"Wait'll you see what I do tomorrow," Bella said, moving her eyebrows up and down like Groucho Marx.

A little jealous, I didn't want Rick to be the only one who teased her so fondly. "Don't encourage her," I warned him, earning an acerbic glance from Bella.

In the meantime, my hearing also noted Carlisle's footsteps in the hall. He'd learned what happened without knowing all the details; the hospital grapevine was active as ever. _I'm on my way, Edward. I'll have to look at Bella first, of course, but as soon as practical, you and I will talk._ His thoughts showed only concern for her, no anger or displeasure at me. My father would wait to hear my side before passing judgment.

"My first patient of the day! Well, Bella, what happened?" Carlisle swept aside the curtain, smiling in greeting at all of us.

Bella became even more self-conscious. "I fell," she replied.

Carlisle laughed and looked at her kindly. "I figured it was something like that. Can you be a little more specific?"

Strained, I watched her closely, waiting for her response. She seemed to think carefully before saying each word. "I was walking from my car to the entrance when the station wagon came up the ramp and the driver lost control. Edward was there and he jumped ahead of the car and pulled me away, into a space between two parked cars." She omitted a few key details, much to my relief.

Carlisle began a routine examination, questioning her as he went along. He checked her head, her knee and her vision. It appeared that the leg injuries were only bruises, but he ordered x-rays to be sure.

_I'm assuming, based on what she said, that you were near when all this happened,_ Carlisle thought. He glanced at me as he shifted his stance to hold her leg. I moved my eyes up and down in an affirmative response that likely wouldn't be caught by human eyes.

_You look concerned. Bella must have seen something. She's safe, though, so no matter what, you did the right thing._ My father's words were comforting. I hoped he repeated them later during the inevitable showdown with the rest of our family.

_I know Alice was in the hospital this morning. Let's do what we have to here and then talk later._ Again, I gave a brief response with my eyes.

John distracted me from this private conversation by offering to transport Bella to the x-ray department. There was no way I would allow that, and it wasn't simply because of my concern over what Bella had witnessed.

Carlisle turned to leave but Bella spoke. "Dr. Cullen, how is the woman who was in the car?" she asked, deep concern in her eyes.

He was touched by her worry. _She's really quite selfless, isn't she?_ he thought.

"She didn't have any injuries, fortunately. She's in labor now. Judging by the way things were progressing, it shouldn't be much longer for her," Carlisle replied.

"I'll have to meet that baby later. We've got a bit of a connection now," Bella said, smiling. I had no doubt she'd remember to do that.

I grabbed the foot of the gurney and began pulling it out of the ER. Both John and Bella regarded me with surprise, but I wasn't concerned, particularly over John. I knew I had the perfect reason why I, instead of he, should stick around while she was in x-ray. "I can stay with her from here on in, John. I know you have to return to the ER," I noted.

John tried arguing with me but I would not be dissuaded. Disgusted, he plodded back to work.

Bella and I watched him until he was gone from view, and then I heard her say quietly, "Thank you. I don't want to feel any more indebted to him than I already do."

"You're welcome," I replied. Pleased as I was to have her all to myself again, I knew things were about to become very difficult for me.

"But I owe you the biggest thanks out of everyone. If you hadn't seen me and pulled me out of the way, I would be dead," she said softly, staring at me keenly.

"You owe me no debt at all. Any decent person would have done the same thing," I said, trying to counter her humility.

"Please don't make this seem smaller than it is," she said plaintively, and I was struck by her sincerity. Few would have expressed it so emotionally, and in such choice words. Her gratitude touched me to the center of my being.

And then came the question I'd feared. "How did you do that?" she whispered.

Trying to cover, I said hastily, "Do what? Bella, I told you, I was right there –"

"I'll get to that in a minute," she said, cutting me off. She was after something else right now. "How did you stop the car?"

"It hit the car next to us. The crash stopped it." I did my best to look baffled but I wasn't fooling her.

"No," she said firmly. "I know what I saw."

I kept my gaze locked on hers for as long as I could. I knew that if I looked away now, I would lose. "What do you think you saw?"

"I _know_ I saw you at the hospital entrance. You were there with your sister. And then I saw the car coming straight for me. Next thing I know, I'm on the ground and you're right by my side, pulling me between the parked cars. The station wagon kept coming, and you kicked it. You kicked it so it not only stopped, it moved back and the entire car tipped on its side."

I felt all my muscles tighten as she spoke in a rush. She had seen everything. But my contradiction made her nervous; she seemed scared to speak the truth. As usual, she blushed in her discomfort, which didn't exactly help my situation, either. The venom coated my mouth and I swallowed it.

"Do you have any idea how crazy that sounds?" I tried to deflect her observations without actually denying them.

"Do you have any idea how crazy that _looked?_" She was starting to cry, she was so upset.

My immortal life, its fabric woven thoroughly with deceit, falsehood, and concealment, had never been so worthless. I had to convince this brave, truthful girl that she could not trust her own eyes. I couldn't bear to look at her; against my better judgment but to spare my sanity, I glanced away from her pleading eyes. "No one would believe you. You could have hit your head," I murmured.

"I. Would. Never. Tell. Anybody," she whispered angrily, a catch in her voice. I was now officially the most callous monster of all time. I'd made her cry with my denials, lies and calumny, just to selfishly protect my own existence.

The x-ray technician called for Bella, saving me from the difficult task of figuring out what to say next. I pushed the gurney into the exam room and stepped around to lift her up and set her below the scanning equipment. Still furious, she dismissed my help, saying "I can walk."

Her attitude was surely justified, but I was concerned that she shouldn't move yet. "We don't know the extent of your injuries. Just behave for a minute here, okay?" I sounded harsher than I wanted. My rage was directed at myself, though of course she couldn't know that.

Bella appeared to be debating the wisdom of my words, and I took advantage of her indecisiveness to lift her and gently place her on the table. "I'll wait outside until you're done," I said reassuringly.

"Don't bother. I've inconvenienced you enough," she replied. She wouldn't look at me.

"I'll _wait,_" I said with a sigh.

I tried to think while Bella's x-rays were completed. What could I possibly tell her that would make sense to her but would not imperil my family? There was no solution except to continue lying, although I knew she wouldn't believe me. I admired her for that, even as it made my situation all the more complicated

I had saved her life. Could I tell her to just leave it at that? Doubtful. A mind as curious and quick as Bella's wouldn't settle for it.

The technician stepped out to let me know Bella could return to the ER. John, whose thoughts were a carousel of worry and frustration, saw us the moment we came back.

"Bella! How are you? How'd everything go?" he asked.

"Fine, John. You were right – x-ray was great about getting this taken care of quickly." Bella responded. Her tone sounded as if she was talking to a small child.

I finished adjusting the gurney behind the curtain and stepped back in silence. Bella was staring straight ahead. John was nervous, waiting for someone to say something. I wasn't going to cede any ground.

"Well, Rick asked me to call him when you got back, so I'll do that now," John said, before turning around and walking away. His fury at my presence was loudly shouted in his thoughts.

Bella waited until he was at the opposite end of the ER and then looked at me, interlacing her fingers and resting her hands placidly in her lap. "So."

"So," I replied, not playing along for the moment.

After another couple of seconds, she closed her eyes briefly, then opened them to stare at me. "Okay, look, I know you don't owe me anything. You just saved my life. But can I ask one more thing of you?" she said cautiously.

"What's that?"

"Can we continue this conversation another time?"

"Perhaps," I replied craftily. This wasn't just to buy more time to straighten out my story. I knew that if I put her off, I'd see her again so she could get what she thought would be an explanation from me.

I heard Carlisle's thoughts as he walked back to the emergency room. _Edward, I have Bella's test results. I'm relieved to see they're good. I can hear this conversation is growing increasingly difficult for you, so I'm coming in right now._

Bella rolled her eyes, then said firmly. "I will not tell anyone. And I do not want to make you uncomfortable, but understand I'm essentially lying to everyone here. I don't like that."

I nodded my assent. "Bella, please believe me, it did not happen the way you -- " I entreated one more time.

Carlisle pulled aside the curtain then, and informed Bella that her x-rays showed no serious injury. He recommended rest and a couple of days off from work. I did my best to keep my complete relief from showing on my face. I had plenty of other things to worry about, but at least Bella wasn't injured, and that was my chief concern.

Rick returned to check on Bella and offered to have his fiancee stay with her through the evening, in case she developed other symptoms. Unsurprisingly, Bella was annoyed and upset at the thought of inconveniencing anyone else, but Carlisle was firm that this was necessary. I mentally applauded his thoroughness, and was glad it was Ellen who would be with Bella, and not Rick himself. I'd had all I could take of jealousy – my own and others -- at this point.

Carlisle completed the discharge order and handed it to her, then smoothed her hair in affection. _I can see why so many men are taken with her. She's a lovely, caring young woman,_ he thought. I stiffened at the insinuation that there were a lot of others who were interested in her. None of them could possibly see her the way I did.

He glanced at me as he stepped away. _Dr. Madden is coming in shortly. I may be able to get off duty early. We should go home and deal with this as soon as possible._ No argument from me, Dad. I wanted to get it over with.

For a moment, Bella looked almost afraid, and I grew concerned because I couldn't hear what she'd say next. Then she asked for my help moving the guardrail down so she could get out of the bed. I quickly made the adjustment and watched as she sat up, then stood.

In an instant, she was falling over, nearly landing on top of me. I was uneasy about the contact with my cold skin, but she needed help, so I grabbed her elbow, hoping the chill wasn't too obvious through her jacket. "Are you all right? Do you feel dizzy?" I asked, although I guessed what the response would be.

"I'm okay. Really. It's just from laying in that bed all morning." She began walking slowly to the exit, favoring her right knee.

Would she ever easily accept help? True, I wasn't the best person to give it to her, but I pondered the question just the same, with no slight amount of frustration. I decided to tease her a little.

"Would you like a pair of crutches?" Again, I was sure I knew the answer.

"_No_."

Bingo. "I thought not, but I figured I'd ask. It would be a smart idea, you know," I said authoritatively.

She stopped to turn around, eyebrows raised. "I live on the second floor. Can you imagine me trying to get up the stairs with a pair of crutches?"

I hadn't considered that. "Good point."

Rick arrived to take her home, and I walked out to the garage with both of them. Bella seemed increasingly nervous as he left to get his car. She handed me the key to her Subaru, as I'd offered – again over her protests – to drive it to her house. "I really hope this all hasn't kept you from whatever plans you had today," she said.

"No, it's no problem. It's still quite early," I said. I stared at the ground, hands in my coat pockets, wondering when I'd see her again. I was already anxious over how she would fare tonight, worrying about injuries that Carlisle could possibly have missed.

Rick pulled up to the curb and I opened the door so Bella could carefully climb in. She turned to look at me through the open window with an expression I couldn't read. It was almost imploring; anguish burned in her warm brown eyes.

"Thank you, again. That's pretty inadequate considering you literally saved my life, but I want you to know how strongly I feel," she said softly but fiercely.

The powerful emotion behind her words almost knocked me off my feet. It was more than a "thank you;" it was a declaration of some sort. Reflexively, I regretted my inability to read her thoughts, then realized that wasn't so. I longed for the chance to be with her and experience her thoughts and emotions unfold in the delicious, gradual journey that characterizes the best romance. For now, all I could do was simply respond, "You are most welcome, Bella."

I watched as she and Rick left the garage, then went to find Carlisle.

As we drove home, I explained exactly what happened and how I'd pulled Bella out of the way. There was no point in leaving out details. I also recalled every bit of the conversations she and I had throughout the morning.

Alice had told the others what happened, but it didn't seem to do much good. I heard their thoughts as Carlisle and I approached the lengthy drive to the house: Rosalie, furious; Alice, worried; Esme, confused; Jasper, determined, and Emmett, incredulous.

We assembled in the dining room, where family meetings were held. There was no real need for us to sit around a table, but it was a human habit that was useful for us to adopt. Carlisle sat at the head, with Esme to his right. I sat at the opposite end. Rosalie flounced in and Emmett dropped heavily into the chair next to her. Alice sat next to me but Jasper remained standing behind her.

Rose wasted no time getting started. "Always thinking of yourself!" she snarled. "Do you have any idea what this means for us?"

"What was I supposed to do, let her die there?" I said defensively.

"It happens all the time. Humans die every day in accidents," she retorted.

Carlisle motioned to calm us down. "Let's figure out what we should do next," he said quietly.

"This has to be taken care of! She's seen too much," Rosalie insisted.

I leaned toward her intently. "What do you mean, 'take care of?" Of course, I knew exactly what she was thinking. I wanted her to say it.

Rosalie looked at me coolly. "She was in an accident. So it turned out to be more serious than anyone thought. We can finish that quickly."  
"No!" I roared.

She regarded me again. "I can do it if you're unable," she said levelly.

"You're talking about taking an innocent life, Rose," Carlisle said disapprovingly.

She pulled herself up straight against the back of her chair. "Carlisle, we can't trust that she won't say anything about this! She has to be…eliminated."

I almost flung myself across the table at her, but Carlisle stopped me. "I cannot condone that. It's far too drastic," he said to her.

"Look," I fumed, "I've been watching her since the first time I saw her. She has not said anything to anyone about that day. And believe me, she had reason to ask. But nothing – not a word, not a question. She's discreet."

Jasper weighed in. "Edward, this is far more than you being rude to her. She saw everything that happened when you pushed the car away. It's a much more serious situation.""She didn't say anything to anyone in the hospital. She simply told people I pulled her out of the way. That's what she said to Carlisle, too," I snapped.

"She should have died right there. She has no family here, no one to suspect any foul play. Perhaps, as Rosalie suggested, we should just make this appear as some type of…delayed reaction," he said.

_"No,"_ I hissed.

"You're putting this entire family at risk. I won't stand for Alice to be in any danger. You haven't seen what these kinds of situations can bring," Jasper warned me.

I glared at him across the table. "I will not have her harmed," I said stiffly.

Alice moved her head slightly and I saw the vision that came to her: Jasper hunting for Bella, and me cutting him off. This occurred several times, with Jasper and I getting into a snarling, violent fight every time.

"Stop it," Alice moaned.

I shook my head. "She's blameless. She shouldn't pay for my haste today," I insisted.

Jasper raised his eyebrows. "So this family pays, then?"

I exhaled. "Why are you so certain she'll talk?"

"She's human, Edward," Rosalie said sharply. "She saw you do something no human can do. Get your head on straight and think about that!"

"What is that comment supposed to mean?" I growled.

Carlisle held out his hands again. "Enough. I agree with Edward. When Bella recounted the accident, she said nothing about how it really happened. He can continue to watch, and if there is the slightest suspicion, we will decide what to do. And Alice will see if any…problems are about to arise. In the meantime, no one harms Bella Swan," he said.

I looked at Jasper, knowing immediately that he strongly disagreed with Carlisle's decision. "I will be listening," I promised him through clenched teeth. He looked away.

Alice's eyes got cloudy, and I caught a brief glimpse of her vision. The setting was the Forks cemetery, but it had nothing to do with a burial. I was there with someone, though I couldn't make out who the person was.

Another vision: Bella and I in her home. And then another, which stopped so abruptly I caught almost none of it.

"What – " I started to question, and Alice ducked her head. In her mind, I saw sheet music for Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. She was concentrating on the sounds of a piano playing. This is the type of thing she does when she's trying to hide her thoughts from me.

"Don't try to distract me or yourself, Alice," I said angrily. "Tell me what you see. I know it has something to do with Bella Swan."

At the mention of Bella's name, Alice slipped for a second and I saw an image of the two of them walking behind our house, smiling and talking in the way that very close friends do. What was most striking, and what I saw immediately despite the briefness of the vision, was the similarity between Bella and Alice: very pale skin with a ghostly pallor, unearthly beauty, amber eyes.

"No. _NO!_" I roared.

Alice was already shaking her head. "I've seen this before," she admitted. "This is as firm as any vision I've had. It's going to happen."

I put my head in my hands. "No. It won't! I won't let it!"

"The only way it could change is if you decide for sure you'll have no contact with her at all. That would eliminate her as any part of your future." She looked at me intently. "Think you can do that?"

"I'm staying connected with her so I can find out what's going through her head. It's for the sake of this family! I'm just going to be her friend," I protested.

Alice looked exasperated. "No, Edward, _I'm_ just going to be her friend," she said. "You're heading for something much more than that."

Emmett threw his hands up in the air in disgust. "Will somebody explain to me what's going on here?"

Rosalie asked, "Alice, what did you see?"

Alice looked around at the rest of the family. "It was Bella. She's going to be one of us."

There was stunned silence. Everyone looked at me.

"Edward, what does this mean?" Carlisle asked.

Alice started to answer, but he held out his hand to stop her. "I want to hear what Edward thinks first."

"I have no intention of ending her life like that. I told you, I'm being friendly so I can get any sense of suspicion from her. She's been very discreet, but she's also very bright. I'm keeping close just in case. Alice thinks it's something more," I said curtly.

"But this vision – it shows her becoming an immortal, not that you've killed her? Why would that even come to Alice, then?" Esme asked carefully.

Alice bounced impatiently in her chair. "May I speak now?" she said sarcastically. I waved her on.

"This isn't as simple as he's making it out to be," she said pointedly. "He can't stay away from her. He's already chosen a course, he just doesn't want to see it," she continued. "All that's uncertain is the timing."

"What does that mean? What are you talking about?" Emmett exploded.

Rosalie rolled her eyes at him. "Alice has seen that Edward is falling in love with this girl. One day, she'll become a vampire." She looked at me with disgust. "Can't you do anything without any drama?"

I didn't take that bait. I was too focused on what was happening here: Alice seeing a future for me and Bella. Together. Immortality, together.

Emmett laughed. "Oh, man. A human? What the hell, bro?"

Carlisle and Esme looked shocked. Esme turned to me and her expression changed to relief, then joy. "Oh, Edward..."

"No," I said firmly. "This is not how it's going to go. I'll listen through everyone else and stay away from her."

Alice sighed. "Edward, you know I love you, but you're an idiot. You won't be able to stay away from her. You can't stay away from her now!"

Before she finished, I was shaking my head. "Oh, I will. You're wrong about this," I said with finality.

I looked at everyone around the table. "This doesn't change anything about her safety. In fact, I want to know now, more than ever, that none of you will go near her. No taking matters into your own hands," I said forcefully.

Jasper nodded. "I can agree to that. If Alice sees –"

I interrupted him. "Regardless of what Alice sees," I said harshly. "No one hurts the girl."

He looked at me for a moment and then nodded his head. I knew from his thoughts that he doubted everything but would wait to be proven right. I couldn't blame Jasper entirely; his only real intent was to protect Alice. But I was also determined to protect Bella.

With a start, I wondered if that made us equals somehow. The depths of Jasper's love for Alice was incalculable. They had each waited a long time to find each other, and in Jasper's case, he didn't even realize he was looking for her, yet he knew the moment he took her hand that she was the end of his search.

Yes, the similarities were striking. I sighed. I'd fought hard against Alice's assertion that I was in love with Bella Swan. I still thought it was a ridiculous idea. If I was being honest – for the first time today, I thought wryly – I was certainly attracted to her. There was no point denying that. Perhaps I resisted it because I did care for her, a lot, and I knew being together would put her life in jeopardy every second.

The family left the dining room and moved on to their respective evening activities. Emmett watched a baseball game on television; he wasn't one to dwell on family drama. Rosalie was still fuming. She sat next to Emmett on the sofa, and in the almost absent-minded way I'd developed over the years, I absorbed some of her thoughts as they drifted over to me. Trying to find peace in music, I played the piano while mulling the situation, until Rosalie's mind stopped me cold. She heard me cease playing and quickly masked her thoughts, but enough had slipped through to give me the gist of what was going on in her head.

She was _jealous_ of Bella. Rosalie never wanted me in any romantic way, and fortunately, I've always felt the same. But that didn't mean she was necessarily accepting of my attraction to another woman. My sister was too used to being the object of desire for every man who laid eyes on her, no matter that she was happy with Emmett. To be denied her usual status of "most beautiful," especially by a human girl, was too much for her.

I couldn't help it; I laughed at her. And she'd had the nerve to accuse me of self-centeredness! Rosalie turned from her seat and glared at me, her thoughts warning me not to say anything about this. I stood up, still grinning, and said, "Okay, I'm out of here." It seemed some distance between us would be good right now.

Running, I took off down the front steps and sped down the drive, turning left to fly through the woods. I ran at top speed for a little over half an hour until I reached the town of Bremerton, outside Seattle. Here, the small waves off Puget Sound gently lapped at the shore. The air was damp but cool and crisp; its freshness helped clear my head a bit.

I was alone now, so the thoughts I tried to ignore for the last few hours wouldn't be denied. I'd all but sworn off Bella Swan even though I wasn't sure I _could_ stay away from her. Was there no end to my lying, even to myself? I'd just made a promise in front of my family that my interest in Bella was nothing more than business, although Alice knew the truth. She'd seen it. But I refused to accept the extent of her visions, that they'd meant Bella's humanity would end and she would be damned to the same immortal existence as all of us. I could never do that to her.

There couldn't be any in-between, though, could there? It was an either-or situation. Either we were close and getting closer, or we were colleagues who barely knew each other. Much as it hurt, I had to revert to the latter status, for her sake as well as my family's. She would never be safe in my world. Yet I _had_ saved her life today. It was messy and ultimately dangerous, but I did something for her that was good.

I sat by the water's edge and saw Bella's face from so many moments: while holding the cat in my car; her enormous embarrassment when she dropped all those syringes; walking into the pharmacy with her coffee mug, wearing a huge grin; that first day, terrified and confused at seeing my reaction to her; and today, in the shock of winding up on the ground after almost getting hit.

I suddenly wondered how she was tonight. Had she suffered any undiagnosed injuries? Carlisle was an excellent doctor and surely would have found any cause for concern. I worried, though, that something which didn't turn up through the testing could make her lose consciousness overnight. Jumping up from my perch along the water, I made a rash decision to visit her – one last time, I told myself, to say goodbye.

In less than 30 minutes, I sprang into the tree nearest her back porch, and then remembered the cat. She would detect my presence very quickly, and she wouldn't be happy about it. The time was nearly midnight, and all the lights were off in Bella's apartment. I thought that if I entered through her kitchen and waited, without moving, to see how the cat reacted, the feline and I might be able to strike a truce.

Already I could detect Bella's scent, but the pain it caused existed side by side with a kind of comfort; its presence meant she was alive. I moved softly to the deck and waited a minute, trying to determine where the cat was. Its smell seemed to emanate from Bella's bedroom.

I opened the back door easily, even though it had been a while since I'd come here at night. Stepping quietly into the kitchen, I closed the door and waited. Cats certainly aren't like dogs; I knew it was unlikely to investigate the presence of a stranger. I didn't know how it would react to my own scent, though. Gingerly, I walked through the apartment, looking in each of the small rooms in case the cat had moved.

She was still in Bella's room, stretched out on the edge of the bed. I smiled at that. Of course Bella would allow the cat to sleep there; the pet cushion in the living room was practically unused. I stood in the doorway and the cat suddenly raised its head, hissing and growling.

Not really knowing what else to do, I whispered, "Sssssshhhhhh," and waited. It stopped growling and stared at me, then growled again. Should I try to shoo it away? Would she let me pick her up and move her to the living room? Hesitating, afraid the cat's rumblings would become louder as I grew closer, I stepped very carefully in her direction. She growled again and then let out a strangled meow before leaping off the bed and down the hall.

I waited another few minutes but heard nothing more from the animal; I still caught her scent but assumed she'd hidden somewhere. Moving closer, I heard Bella's light breathing. She was in a deep, peaceful sleep. Whatever vital signs I could detect from here seemed normal. I sat in the rocking chair, watching her and thinking.

I was in a most unexpected position, constantly in danger of losing my prized control. I had let things go too far with Bella, even if only on a friendly basis, but I couldn't help myself. Often the most important thing to do is the most difficult, and the important thing here was assuring that she had a safe and long human life.

The pain of that awareness seared like a hot blade. Simply the idea of cutting off nearly all communication with her, of never sharing her humor or her insights, was unbearable. _Then it's best to do this now, before it becomes even harder,_ I thought firmly.

I would see her at work, naturally, and would merely nod courteously when our paths crossed. No longer would I linger and speak with her when my shift was over, and in the times I had to work with her during the day, I would keep all our interactions superficial and professional.

As if in response, Bella began tossing under the covers. She murmured some things I couldn't make out; they sounded garbled. Her breathing intensified, and I was certain I heard her say "light." She sighed again, and fell back in a deep slumber.

I stayed for another few hours as I tried to make myself swear this was the last time I would come here. I desperately wished for her to be secure, and I knew myself well enough to realize I could easily slip back here under the pretense of making certain she was out of harm's way. But I would also see her in work periodically, so surely I would know she was fine.

Reluctantly, I prepared to leave. I longed to stroke her hair as Carlisle had earlier, or to otherwise touch her, but I didn't dare. I couldn't risk that she might awaken from my cold hands. Despairing, I cursed the circumstances that put us at such odds with each other. She could never be safe with me and likely would be repulsed by my true self. I could never be a proper companion to her, always fighting back my deadly instincts and subjecting her to dangers no human could withstand.

I leaped off the porch and onto the ground, my silent heart painfully alive with hurt and loss. While I had long ago accepted my circumstances and endeavored to exist without regret, I could no longer stem the tide of rage that had been threatening to spill these past few days. I met someone I genuinely cared for, but I could not have her. I had to settle for watching and hoping she would find happiness with another man, one who would likely not appreciate the numerous rare qualities I'd seen in her. What else could I do? It would be the most magnanimous gesture of my miserable immortality, perhaps even partially redeeming my numerous sins. Yet I knew I could look at it that way all I wanted, but it would never take away this agony. The differences between Bella and I could not be bridged.

I now dreaded my upcoming shifts in the pharmacy as much as I had just started to anticipate them. My new role would be a crueler, remote Edward, and I hated treating Bella that way. The following Monday, she arrived at the pharmacy just as I was gathering my things to leave. She saw me – she was so lovely; I caught her broad smile out of the corner of my eye – and she said, "Good morning, Edward." I nodded without meeting her gaze and brushed past her, pushing open the door before it had the chance to completely shut. I could feel the confusion in her posture as surely as if it was spoken out loud.

Avoiding the dropoff, I walked a long way around the hospital to make my way to the garage. I didn't even want to feel her eyes on me if I were to walk past that open space. Determined, I filled my days and nights with reading, music, my own independent science research, running and hunting. I did everything I could to avoid anything that had to do with Bella, but my vampire mind, with its ability to hold multiple trains of thought, made that hopeless. I'm not even sure it would have been possible if I was human and in this situation. She had invaded my existence and my thoughts as surely as if she was organic to my being, and in so many ways, that's exactly what she was.

Several weeks passed in this manner. I tried my best to leave work before Bella arrived, but she usually reported for her shift around 7:50, and I could not consistently head out before 8 a.m. I held to my practice of nodding my greeting without looking at her, until one morning she caught my arm. That took me by surprise, and by reflex I turned to face her. She looked so sad and confused; it broke my heart again to realize how much pain I was causing her. Not that I was vain enough to believe she felt anything for me other than friendship, but even to betray that was unforgivable.

"Edward? Is everything all right?" she asked, slowly releasing my elbow.

It took a minute before I could reply; the words sounded choked, as if I was being strangled. "Yes, fine, Bella." I turned my head away and said, "Enjoy your day." Once I was out of her range of vision, I winced at my poor excuse of an answer. In every way, she deserved so much more.

That night, I was in my room, organizing some new music CDs when I heard Alice approaching. She poked her head in and said, "May I?"

"Sure. Come on in, Alice."

My sister flew to my couch and dropped herself on it, not making much of an indentation in the cushions. I doubt Alice weighs more than 90 pounds, but in her own way she can be as dangerous as Emmett when she wants to be. I girded myself for whatever purpose she had for this visit; although we often talked and spent time with each other, she seemed intent on something particular right now.

"I have to hand it to you," she said glumly. "You've got my visions all messed up."

"What do you mean?"

"Bella. I haven't seen the images of us together since the day you pushed the car away. In fact, I can't really see anything at all with her in it. When I try to focus, it's all murky." She glared at me.

"That's good. That's what I wanted. I told you that's how it would be," I replied brusquely.

She shook her head in disgust. "I can't figure out why you're so determined to stick with this."

I looked at her in astonishment. She really didn't understand? "Alice, I'm trying to save her life," I said, enunciating each word for emphasis. "She's human. Her blood drives me crazy. I'm a danger to her. What's incomprehensible about that?"

"I think you're selling yourself short. I think you can resist her blood more than you let on. It's the rest of her you really can't stay away from. Yes, I know you are _now_," she said, waving her hand dismissively as I started to protest, "but I still don't believe you can last."

"What's your interest in all this?" I asked warily. "You mentioned something about being her friend."

Alice smiled wistfully. "Sure, I want that. It looks wonderful," she said, then her face darkened slightly as she scowled. "But I'm really concerned about you, believe it or not."

"Then you should think about what it would do to me if I hurt her. And I don't just mean physically," I said, joining her on the couch. "I've made her feel badly enough as it is. We were friendly and now I have to ignore her, for her own good. I can see she feels wounded."

Alice stared at me in disbelief. "So, _talk to her!"_

I shook my head. "It's for the best. In time, she'll forget we were even friends, if that's what it really was." I looked down at my hands and stared at the floor.

She sighed in disgust. "You really _are_ an idiot, you know?" Then she was silent as memories flooded her mind. I saw myself a few weeks ago, barreling up the stairs to order the coffeemaker. The scene changed to my arrival home after working with Bella on that Friday in the pharmacy. I then saw Alice's view of me as I ran into the garage to get my car when Bella found the cat on the highway. "Now, tell me – what's different about these images? I'll give you a hint: it pertains to your normal demeanor."

"I don't know what you're talking about," I said.

Alice stared at me incredulously. "Do I have to spell out everything? You can't see how happy you are? That was the first thing I noticed. That's what made me wonder what you were up to! Trust me, it wasn't even the look you get when you write a great piece of music, or come across a book you haven't read that really appeals to you, or even when you hear there's a mountain lion problem close by. Look again." She ran through the memories once more, and now I could see that my eyes were bright and I was smiling hugely. "Sorry, but that's not your standard expression."

Frustrated, I asked, "What's your point?"

"You should give this a chance."

I snorted. "Right, because it's every girl's dream to date a vampire."

"Don't sell her short, either. If she's as unusual as you believe she is, Bella is probably capable of a lot."

"What else have you seen?" I asked, just to check.

Her eyebrows shot up. "In a vision? Nothing. I told you, it's all muddied now. But I've seen _you_," she said, poking me in the side for emphasis, "and I know something important has come into your life. Something seismic. Don't let it get away."

"How does everyone else feel about it?" I asked. They surely were hearing this conversation.

"Esme and Carlisle want you to be happy. Jasper wouldn't cross me, and Emmett doesn't particularly care one way or the other. And..." she hesitated, carefully considering her words, "Rosalie is Rosalie."

"Really? Almost all of this family wouldn't be concerned if I started a relationship that could jeopardize our existence, let alone what it could mean for Bella?" I asked skeptically

"We trust your judgment. You should, too. You wouldn't fall for just anybody," Alice replied softly. She flung her arms around me and kissed me hard on the cheek. "Think about it, okay? I hate to see you so miserable. I mean," she said, smirking, "more miserable than normal, Vampire McCrankypants."

"Get out of here," I said, swatting her out of my room like the irritating gnat she often was. In spite of myself, I was smiling. "And thanks."

Before I had the chance to think further, I launched myself out the window and headed straight to Bella's apartment.

She was asleep; all the lights were off. Although it was Friday night and she didn't have to work tomorrow, Bella must have retired early. I entered her home again and waited to see if the cat would have anything to say about my presence. Tonight, the feline was in the kitchen, eating. She growled immediately, either sensing or smelling my presence, but she ran off toward the bathroom. This allowed me to walk quickly to Bella's bedroom.

It had been a couple of weeks since I spent any length of time in Bella's presence. I saw her briefly only in the few mornings when I finished my shift and she arrived to start her day. Her scent seemed especially concentrated, but that was probably because I hadn't been around her much to adjust to it. At first I could feel myself sinking into the familiar hopelessness of knowing I would always hunger for her blood. I redirected my thinking, though, and started to consider whether resistance to hurting her could be the norm instead of the exception.

Bella started talking in her sleep then. She tossed from side to side and softly sighed, "mmmmm."

And then, distinctly, she said, "Edward."

Panicked, I thought at first she had awakened and saw me. From the rocking chair, I could see plainly that her eyes were closed, and I could hear her breathing in a sleep pattern. Again, she said my name, followed by a sigh. A few seconds went by, then she mumbled, "Stay. Edward."

It didn't seem as if she was having a nightmare. Bella was speaking my name; I was there, somehow, in her thoughts as she slept. There was no terror, only longing and maybe even desire, in her voice. Could I dare let myself believe this? Her other, conscious expressions...when she left with Rick after the accident, her gaze when we were in the office together...if I lined all that up, what did it lead to? For Bella, I couldn't be completely sure. But for myself, I knew what it was. I knew what my actions and reactions meant. The answer was certain, fixed – and now eminently obvious, even to me.

This was the logical sum of everything that happened since Bella walked into the hospital her first day, and finally it all made sense. In this instant, I saw with utter clarity what I had been too blind or inexperienced to know: I loved her. And I would do everything in my immortal power, use every ounce of my excessive strength, to make sure that love protected her instead of endangered her.

With no resistance left, each wall that I had carefully constructed around my existence began to fall. The one built from anger, to isolate and protect myself – down. Another, to remain superior to emotions I thought useless – gone. A third, my cherished control over my thoughts, actions and being – shattered. And the fourth, created from the lies told to my family and most of all myself – this was the weakest, and it now lay crumbled to dust.

The truth really had set me free. The weight I'd carried in the center of my being cracked and lifted with the understanding of what happened to me. I had waited a very long time for this, and in fact, had begun to doubt it would ever come to be. Seismic, Alice had called it. My sister was far ahead of me, and far more perceptive.

I laughed softly at the thought that Bella was a weak human. Physically fragile, yes, but she'd humbled this incredibly strong vampire like nothing else. This young woman walked into my office and my life, and shook apart a century's worth of artifice as easily as if it was...a box of syringes.

And it was the best feeling I'd ever known.

42


	13. Bella, Chapter 7

**Bella, Chapter 7**

_The legends of the Quileute tribe include many references to animals. The Raven is considered a trickster who often assisted humans but also frequently displayed undesirable behaviors such as laziness or rudeness._

Edward is a vampire.

_According to lore, a giant bird, known as a Thunderbird, brought the tribe a whale to consume when they had run out of food, thus saving them from starvation._

That's absurd. There is no such thing as a vampire.

_The Quileutes were an isolated people who established trade with neighboring tribes. They were renowned fishermen, and the boats they constructed to fish and catch seal were true feats of engineering. _

It's the only explanation; it matches the legends – those other ones, not the ones you're trying to read now. Of course, that was online stuff, and we know how reliable Web information is.

_Like many tribes, the Quileutes aspired to supernatural powers. They also sought help from spirits whose good will would ensure not only that they survived, but would thrive. Young men traditionally asked for spiritual guidance as they went on individual, solitary journeys. _

But legends must start somewhere. There has to be a catalyst.

_One of the most prevalent stories asserts that the Quileutes are descended from wolves. Their legend in this respect is similar to the Navajo "Skinwalkers," although the Navajos believe the ability to transform is attained, not inherited._

Why would there be vampires in Forks?

_A benevolent hero of the Quileute tribe, Q'wati is also known as the Transformer. The legend says the Quileutes were changed from wolves to humans by a Transformer. It was Q'wati who watched over the people of the tribe and taught them proper behavior. He also protected them from monsters._

Well, why not here? Maybe they were in Jersey too, but none of them saved your life there.

I sighed and tossed the books aside. This was useless. Fascinating as the Indian legends are, they could not take my mind off the bigger mystery, the one that doesn't seem to have any resolution – at least, none that makes sense. There was no mention in either book about the supposed truce between the werewolves and the "cold ones." I don't know why I thought there would be, since Ellen had made it very clear the topic was forbidden.

Was the truth really any of my business? Yes, it was, I decided. As I told Edward, I was lying about what happened, and that's something I never do. I'd made that exception strictly to protect him. Everything I witnessed was a secret I shouldn't know. I would keep that confidence as long as I lived, but I wanted an explanation from him in the meantime.

I'd asked him if we could continue the conversation in the future, and he didn't give me a direct answer. "Perhaps," he'd said. Well, _perhaps_ I should bring it up. Could I ask him surreptitiously when I arrived at work, before he left? Or would it look too obvious if I followed him out of the pharmacy after his shift was over? "Edward, I want to talk about your superhuman strength…and while you're at it, can you tell me why you're so cold?" Sure. He'll discuss it right there in the hall, while dozens of other people are passing us by on the way to their offices.

As it turned out, I wasted a lot of time worrying about how and when to question him. On Monday morning, I arrived at the hospital a few minutes before 8, as usual. Edward had worked the weekend and was still at his desk when I walked in. I'm sure he could sense my anticipation, even though he steadfastly refused to look my way. As I neared my own desk next to his, he rose promptly and sped out the door, barely acknowledging my greeting. There was no inquiry about my knee, though this was the first time I'd seen him since the accident. His quick exit reminded me of the day I started at the hospital, when he glared at me so inhumanly and ran off as soon as he could.

I stood there, unable to move for a moment. Edward didn't walk past the dropoff; he must have gone out of his way when he left so he wouldn't see me again. Stunned, I walked slowly to my desk. So we were back to this stage now. I fought the tears which were threatening to spill; one escaped and fell on my hands, which I had numbly placed on top of my desk. Angrily, I wiped it away, trying to regain my composure before Janice and Rick arrived.

_Oh, no you won't,_ I thought, outraged. While that sentiment could easily be directed at myself, I was referring to Edward. I would not let him get the best of me. We had almost become friends, I had grown increasingly attracted to him, and now he was treating me like a pariah again. This was humiliating. I had to put a stop to his influence over me; I didn't want anything like the heartache I'd allowed myself to go through with Bill.

Not only didn't Edward trust me, he apparently didn't even like me. _Sorry I put you through all this trouble,_ I thought, still aiming my thoughts at him, as if he could read my mind. _It won't happen again. _

Walking over to the dropoff, I grabbed the prescriptions to see what came in. There was an order that required grinding pills for a toddler patient so a nurse could mix them in with food. It was a messy task. I left it for Janice.

Edward and I routinely re-enacted this strange dance that signified the current phase of our relationship, if it could be called that. Whenever he was scheduled to work, I arrived at my normal time – why should I change my habits for him? – and he left as soon as I walked in. With each abrupt departure, a cold shot ran straight through me. As soon as the door slammed shut, I felt the same defeated feelings of anger and hurt.

By the end of the third week, I couldn't take it any more. Resentment, pride, and yes, curiosity got the best of me. I buzzed myself into the pharmacy knowing exactly how it was going to play out, and I heard Edward stand as soon as I hung up my coat. I walked promptly to my desk so he would have to brush past me. Quickly, I grabbed his elbow, forcing him to look at me.

At first, surprise registered on his face. "Edward? Is everything all right?" I asked, letting go of his icy arm. I couldn't help letting a trace of worry slip into my tone.

Softness came over his features once our eyes locked together. Almost imperceptibly, he pulled his head back and shifted his expression to rigid formality, as if he remembered that he wasn't supposed to have contact with me. "Yes, fine, Bella," he replied shortly. He turned away and mumbled "Enjoy your day," no longer looking at me.

_"Enjoy your day"?_ _That's the best you've got, Edward?_ After all we'd been through, he talks to me like he's one of those greeters at WalMart. I shook my head and walked back to my desk. There was no point in saying anything else.

I can deal with anything as long as I have the right information. Even if a situation is totally impossible, I'm more likely to adapt once I know the reasons behind it. Edward was again denying me that peace of mind. He had to realize how important the truth is to me; I'd told him very directly. I tried to believe that his reality, whatever it may be, was making it difficult for him to trust me. Perhaps he felt he didn't know me well enough yet, but in the weeks since the accident, I hadn't said anything beyond the version of events maintained for public consumption. I knew he was aware of that.

At this point, I wished we'd never talked or had any kind of communication other than that of courteous colleagues. Even Faith, who brought me so much joy, was a daily reminder of Edward. "It's not your fault, though. I wouldn't trade you for anything." I said, stroking her while she purred reassuringly. Animals never prevaricate.

My saving grace was my weekly visit to La Push. Tutoring Wendell was thoroughly enjoyable, plus I got to see Ellen. Often, I'd head down there a little early so I could sit and talk with her. It took my mind off of everything else; she was so upbeat and warm.

The next Thursday evening, I decided to stop at Black's general store to get something for dinner, intending to eat it at the rec center with Ellen. I smiled a greeting to the Indian gentlemen who were on the porch, then headed straight to the deli counter. Billy's familiar hat showed behind the refrigerator case, bobbing behind some loaves of bread that were stacked above the glass.

"Hey, Billy. I don't know if you remember me; I'm Bella Swan. I came here about a month ago. Jacob helped me find a car…"

My voice trailed off as Billy stood up straight in response to my voice. His face showed none of the cheer I'd seen the first time we met. He looked tired, worn, and almost grievous. I was shocked speechless, unsure of what to say next.

Billy smiled a little. "Of course, Bella. How are you? Did you come to see Jacob again?" His exhausted voice matched his expression.

"Is he here?"

"Well, he's out back, but he's with some friends," he replied hesitantly.

"I'd love to see him. Can I get a sandwich first?" I was almost afraid to ask.

Billy chuckled and shook his head, finally remembering I was a customer. "Sure. What would you like?"

I ordered a turkey sandwich and Billy suggested I walk straight through the back door, as we had the last time I was here, although he didn't accompany me.

Jacob was in the garage with the same group of guys I met the night of my accident. "Hey, Jacob—whoa!" I stopped where I was when I saw the difference in his appearance.

The long black silky curtain framing his face was gone. Jacob was now sporting a closely cropped skullcap of hair. His head turned when he heard my voice, and I saw right away that he looked even more weary than that last time I'd seen him.

Still, his face brightened with that multi-watt grin. "Hey Bella! What're you doing here?"

"I'm on my way to the rec center, and I stopped to get something to eat. But I'll leave if you're busy," I said, nodding at his friends.

Jacob looked uncomfortable. "It is kind of a bad time. Maybe another night. I'll walk you to your car." He pushed himself off of the Rabbit, where he'd been leaning. It didn't seem as if he'd been working on the car, even though he was so determined to get it running when I'd met him.

His friends stood silent as Jacob told them, "Be right back." We walked around to the front of the building, Jacob's gaze uncharacteristically cast downward.

"Sorry. I guess I should have called," I said apologetically.

"No problem. I'd just made some plans with the guys," he said vaguely.

"How've you been?" I asked curiously. He looked so tired, and almost depressed – definitely not like the Jacob I'd seen before.

"Oh, I'm okay. Why?" he asked, still not looking at me.

"You look beat. Working too hard?"

"Mmm, no. Hardly working," he said, and I could see a grim smile on his face.

"What's up with the hair?" I asked curiously.

"It's just easier to take care of," he replied. "Do I look like a complete dork?" Jacob was trying to joke with me as we had before, but I could tell it took some effort. This wasn't the genuine lightness that came easily to him.

"No, I like it. I don't think you'd ever look like a dork," I replied, trying to improve his mood. I didn't even get another smile.

When we arrived at my car, Jacob held his hand up to say goodbye. "See ya, Bella. Thanks for stopping by." And then, as an afterthought, he shrugged his shoulders and said, "Sorry."

I watched him walk away, wondering what he had to be sorry for. Maybe he was just apologizing for being unavailable. It seemed like he was referring to something else.

Still feeling the stares of the men on the porch, I got in my car and drove to the rec center. Ellen and I chatted while I ate and waited for Wendell. She was extremely excited that the wedding plans were at the stage where her bridesmaids needed dress fittings. I listened to her, amused and honestly not at all bored. Ellen was delightful no matter what she was talking about.

During a lapse in the conversation, I quickly jumped in. "Hey Ellen, have you seen Jacob Black lately?"

She thought for a moment. "Not for a week or so. Why?"

"I stopped at his dad's store to get my sandwich, and I saw him briefly. He really didn't talk much, which – well, I haven't known Jacob long, but that doesn't seem like him," I said. Ellen chuckled and nodded her head.

"He looked really tired, like he hadn't slept in ages. Even Billy looked kind of depressed. Do you know if anything's wrong?"

Now Ellen was concerned. "I haven't heard anything. Usually I'll get wind of something if there's a problem in the family."

"I don't want to embarrass him," I said hastily. "I'm kind of worried. He's always so cheerful, you know?" I frowned. "If you hear of anything wrong and there's some way I can help, will you let me know?"  
"Of course," she replied, and reached over to pat my hand. "I'll see what's up. Don't worry, I won't make it obvious."

Wendell had arrived and was walking over to our table, a big smile on his face. He really seemed to look forward to these sessions, much to my satisfaction. We reviewed his homework and I asked if there was anything specific he'd like my help with. I'd told him early on that if he read anything but wasn't sure of his own accuracy, he should bring it in. I wanted to emphasize real-world application of his lessons as much as possible.

His features grew tangled with frustration. "I should have remembered my daughter's prescription. Sometimes I worry that I'll read the label wrong when I have to give it to her, if my wife isn't around. Even though Maria can read fine, I want to know what it says for myself," he explained.

"Of course. You can always bring it next week. What kind of medicine is it?"

"I don't remember the name because it's a big word," he admitted sheepishly. "But she takes it for her asthma."

"I see," I said sympathetically.

"They've been giving it to her at the clinic in Olympia. I can't always tell when they've changed the dosage or anything," he said miserably.

"I promise you we'll solve that problem before you know it. In the meantime, bring in the pill bottle. I can read it and help you with any other questions, too," I assured him, reminding him that I worked as a pharmacist.

Then I thought back on what he'd said about the clinic. "You take her all the way to Olympia? Did you know there's a clinic at the Forks Hospital? It's much closer," I said.

Wendell's expression quickly darkened, giving him an unfamiliar sinister appearance. "We don't go there," he said flatly.

So he was among those who wouldn't use the hospital because of Dr. Cullen. Strange, that this otherwise intelligent man believed in those stories. And then I recalled my own suspicions about the doctor and his son. Perhaps Wendell wasn't too far off base.

"Sure, that's up to you and your wife. Just thought I'd mention it," I replied, moving on quickly.

Wendell's reaction stuck with me. There was no mistaking the change in his demeanor after I brought up Forks Hospital. I felt sad for Dr. Cullen. His expertise and bedside manner were exemplary, and I'd been around doctors long enough to know that can't be faked. Regardless of what else was in his background, I'd always have a high opinion of him. Dr. Cullen could be Satan himself and I'd still trust him the next time a car tried to mow me down.

And Edward…well, I knew my anger was really frustration because he kept thwarting my need to know. He had done a lot for me: giving me a sublime coffeemaker, helping me with the cat at his own cost, and of course, saving my life. I suspected most, if not all, of these actions came at great personal expense. I could never overlook that.

I just wish he trusted me enough to let me in.

The temptation to constantly check the work schedule was too great. I told myself I merely wanted to prepare for our encounters at work, but honestly, I was still eager to see him. He was slated to work Thursday and Monday nights, and was off during the weekend. This is sick, I chided myself. He's treating you like dirt and you're acting like some teenage fangirl.

Carrying my usual armload of coffee mug, raincoat and purse that Friday morning, I hit the access buttons on the pharmacy door. Yes, he was still there. No, I wasn't going to look at him, much less say anything to him. Maintain your _pride_, girl, I reminded myself.

I sighed and walked over to my desk, so deep in thought about him that I almost didn't hear him speak.

"Good morning, Bella," Edward said softly.

Still standing, I twisted in his direction, glaring at him in disbelief. Then, I looked around the office – wildly, theatrically – and snapped, "Did we hire someone else named Bella? Because I was under the distinct impression you preferred not to talk to me." I pulled open a bottom drawer, threw in my purse and tried to slam it shut for added effect, except the strap got stuck and the draw bounced back open, hitting me in the hand.

Edward glanced away, trying not to smile. That didn't exactly calm my anger. "Okay, I deserve that. Please believe me, I didn't mean to be rude to you." He looked at me again, trying to win me over with that smoldering gaze. It almost worked until I thought about what he said.

"You _'didn't mean'_ to be rude to me? Jeez, I'd hate to be around you when you're intentionally impolite," I said sarcastically.

He brought out the heavy artillery: his sweet, crooked smile. I had to look away or I'd crumble.

"Bella, I…" he began, then stopped. I waited, desperate to hear his next words, but he only shook his head, as if he was struggling.

"Please just tell me what's going on here," I said, trying to ask and not plead. "You've done things for me no one else would. You sent me that coffeemaker and paid for the cat – don't deny it, I know it was you," I warned, because I saw his eyebrows shoot up. "You saved my life under…" I hesitated, "…_extraordinary_ circumstances, and now you ignore me. I'm starting to believe you regret everything."

He scowled, angry for a moment. "You think I'm sorry I saved you?"

"What else should I think? Seriously. Help me out here, Edward," I said defiantly.

He was already shaking his head. "Nothing could be further from the truth," he said emphatically. Then he added softly, "I've been trying to think of a way to explain it all, but it's so difficult….so complicated. It seemed easier, and safer, to ignore you." He must have seen the look on my face because he quickly added, "I'm not proud of that, but I'm being honest here."

I snorted, "That's a first."

He sighed. "Okay, I deserve that too. I deserve all your anger."

"Edward," I said, also speaking softly now, "I don't _want_ to be angry with you. Mostly, I'm hurt that you don't trust me with the truth."

He stared at me thoughtfully, not responding. And at that moment, Janice arrived. Thank you, Janice. Always good to see you, I thought sourly.

Edward said quietly, "We'll continue this conversation, I promise." He stood up and left, giving Janice a curt nod.

Really. He promised me we would talk again? I suppose I should be grateful, since it was more than he'd given me before. Still, I was wary about banking on that guarantee.

Saturday's weather was nice enough for a bike ride, so I decided to head over to the cemetery. It's not as ghoulish as it sounds; I was growing interested in the history of the area, and I wanted to see the dates and names on the graves. I thought Forks' settlers might be buried there, and if so, I wanted to make etchings of their headstones.

The day was cloudy as usual, but the rain held off through late afternoon. Once my laundry was done, I had enough time left to ride. I pulled on my bike shorts, secured my helmet and hoisted my backpack over my shoulders.

The breeze on my face and the physical exertion felt wonderful. I pulled into the cemetery's drive and left my bike in a spot that gave me easy access to the entire site. The cemetery wasn't very large, fortunately. It was bordered on three sides by forest, the same as almost everything else in Forks. I pulled out tracing paper and a lead pencil, and began reading the names that accompanied the perfectly aligned graves.

There were some grave markers for the Pullen family, an important Forks clan who were homesteaders from the late 1800s. I found the names of others who migrated to the area near the Bogachiel River: Henne, Hemphill, Morganroth. Lost in concentration, I no longer heard the sounds of traffic flying by on Route 101. Huge lumber trucks and cars use the highway constantly, but I was engrossed in my exploration. Eventually, I noticed an unfamiliar noise in the background, a low rumbling that became louder and slightly higher in pitch. I looked up at the woods from where I sat, trying to pinpoint the source.

As the volume increased, I recognized the sound as growling. I assumed it was some type of canine, but I still couldn't see it. Normally I'm not afraid of dogs, but this distinctly unfriendly snarl had me worried. I was on the ground in front of a headstone, debating whether I should make a run for it or stay put. Leaves stirred at the fringe of the forest, and then a huge, sienna-colored dog slowly walked out, his snout and eyes contorted with rage.

Once it was closer, I saw that it wasn't a dog. It was a wolf.

The animal was massive, and it was walking straight toward me. No longer just growling, it was now viciously barking and snapping. Enormous jaws opened and closed, opened and closed in a quick, deadly rhythm. Its teeth clacked together ominously with each snap, and the black eyes were nearly mad with fury.

I was petrified, frantically trying to think of anything I could do. Would playing dead help? But now the wolf was focused on something behind me, and its rage and snarling were directed at whatever that was.

"Bella."

I jumped and gave a little cry of surprise. There was no mistaking the voice behind me. Without seeing him, I knew Edward was there.

"Bella, are you alright?" he asked urgently.

"Yes," I whispered.

"Don't move."

"Don't worry, I won't," I breathed.

I heard a rustling noise and realized Edward was coming over to me. I was terrified the wolf would take the motion as a challenge and charge him.

"Why are _you_ moving?" I whispered.

"I'm walking toward you. Stay calm."

The animal continued snarling, almost at a roar. Every so often it stopped as if it was catching its breath. If I didn't know better, I would swear the wolf was _saying_ something. The barks and growls were like a warning.

In that instant, I grasped that the wolf was after Edward, and not me. I stood up where I was.

"What are you doing?" Edward whispered fiercely.

"I'm going to step away from him and over to you."

"Bella, _no_! Get down!"

"I'm backing up," I repeated. "Keep walking toward me and stand behind me. Stop when you reach me. I can't see you and I don't want to turn my back on him."

"I'm already here," he said through gritted teeth.

I was right in front of Edward; I would know that amazing smell anywhere. We were almost exactly lined up, except that he was a lot taller than I.

Suddenly, the wolf stopped snarling. It stood there, watching us for a few moments. No one said anything.

The wolf turned and darted away, returning to the woods. If I wasn't so scared, I would have admired its beauty and grace.

I collapsed on the ground. Edward grabbed me and said, "Bella! Bella, are you all right? Do you feel faint?"

"I'm okay. Just a little shocked," I said, dazed.

He took my hands in his cold grasp. "Do you feel like you're going to faint?" he asked again, intensely concerned.

"No, I'm fine."

"You don't sound fine." Now that it was over, I was gasping. "Do you have a water bottle?" he inquired briskly.

"It's on my bike," I replied. Edward found it and returned to help me up. I took a long drink before asking, "What was that?"

"It was a wolf," he answered.

"I know _that._ But what was it doing here? And come to think of it...." I looked at him closely. "What are _you _doing here?"

He dropped his gaze away from mine. "My car is over there," he said, gesturing toward the cemetery's entrance. "Can you walk?"

"Yes. Really, I'm okay now." We started back down the road in silence. He'd taken my bike and was pacing along side of it. I stole several glances at him from the corner of my eye; he didn't speak again, and then we were at his Volvo.

"Will you be taking me home?" I watched as he loaded the bike in the car, which had one rear seat lowered as if waiting to accommodate it -- the same as when he'd stopped for me and the cat on Route 101.

"No," he said, finally looking straight at me. "I think you need something to eat. Let's go into Forks and stop at the cafe."

The hostess walked over to us as soon as we entered, her gaze roaming over Edward appreciatively. She led us to a table near the center of the dining area, but Edward stopped her and asked for something further back, in a corner.

Eyebrows raised, she said, "Sure. Come on over here," and directed us to a booth. Her expression revealed her disbelief that someone like Edward would want privacy with someone like me. I'm sure that wasn't merely because I was so grubby.

Edward motioned for me to take a seat and slid in along the opposite side. He looked me over carefully and asked, " Are you sure you're not in shock?" I could see genuine worry still on his face, and even in his posture.

"No, I'm not," I said calmly. "I was shaken up, but I think I'm past that now. The worst of it, anyway," I added.

Edward motioned to the waitress and addressed me again. "You need something to drink -- something with sugar. How about some soda?"

"Ginger ale sounds good," I replied. She wrote that down and asked, "What would you like to eat?"

Edward looked at me expectantly. I hadn't even glanced at the menu. "Um...I guess I'll have a cheeseburger and a spinach salad."

The waitress was staring at Edward in awe. "And you, sir?" Her tone was much warmer when she spoke to him. I began to feel a little extraneous.

"Nothing for me, thanks." He smiled at her briefly before turning his attention back to me.

I tilted my head. "You're not hungry? Or in need of a drink? That wolf was just as close to you."

He cast his eyes downward, brushing away crumbs with his hand. "No, I don't need anything."

I drew in a long breath, which I'm sure he heard but ignored. "Edward."

"Yes?" He was still focused on the table.

"How..." I hesitated. "How did you know I was at the cemetery?"

"I don't suppose it would suffice if I told you I was just passing through," he said, a small smile playing around his lips.

"No. Of course it's possible you know someone buried there, but I'm quite certain it's more than that."

He shook his head, still smiling. "Actually, I don't know anyone buried there." And then his eyes met mine. "I followed you there."

I was more puzzled than shocked. "Why?"

"I was...concerned about you."

This did not clear anything up. "Concerned over what?"

He set his elbows on the table and leaned in to me. "I worry about your safety."

I bristled. "I've taken my bike out on roads in far more urban settings than this without any problem."

"Has a wolf ever stalked you before?" He cocked an eyebrow at me.

"Did you know the wolf was going to show up?" If he affirmed that, it wouldn't have surprised me. "And anyway, I got the distinct feeling that wolf was after you and not me."

Stunned, he widened his eyes and nodded. "Yes, he was." He pushed himself back in the seat and said, "There isn't much you miss, is there?" I shrugged my shoulders, trying to appear offhand, but his compliment made my heart soar.

The waitress brought my soda and food. "Are you sure there isn't anything I can get for you?" she asked Edward suggestively. She had her back to me, and he regarded her with annoyance. "No. Thank you."

We didn't speak for the next several minutes; I filled the time by drinking soda. I had a flood of questions that would tumble out in a blur if I started talking, so I thought it best to let him speak first. But he watched me expectantly, as if giving me the floor.

I closed my eyes briefly, trying to narrow down a place to start. "You know I have a lot of things I want to ask you," I said. "Today's adventure only adds to my list."

He nodded his head somberly. "Tell me where you want to begin, and I'll talk while you eat."

"How did you know where to find me?"

"I saw you on your bike. When I realized you were staying on the road, I went home and got my car, and then located you at the cemetery," he said, as if this would explain it.

I frowned. "So when you started to follow me, you weren't in your car?"

"That's right."

"Were you out walking and you saw me ride by? Because I didn't see you..."

"No."

I rolled my eyes, exasperated. "If I have to keep pulling this out of you, my food is going to get cold," I complained.

He smiled, and then said, very quietly, "At first I was running alongside you, but I was in the woods so you couldn't see me."

My mouth opened and then closed; fortunately I hadn't taken another bite. I said calmly, "You could keep up with me on foot?"

"Yes, I can. Very easily."

"Is this somehow related to your ability to stop cars with your extremities?"

He was watching me with a fond, almost tender expression. "Again, very observant. Yes, you could say it's all related."

I blushed, warmed again by his praise. "Back to the cemetery. You got your car and then drove over to find me?" I asked.

"Yes. I pinpointed your location and watched you from the woods."

"That sounds kind of weird, you know." _Although let's face it, everything in this situation is weird,_ I thought.

"As I told you, I was worried about you." He had the wrapper from my straw in his hands, and he kept twirling and unraveling it along his slender index finger.

I sighed. "You keep saying that. Is there something else I should know?"

He stopped fooling with the wrapper and stared at me, his eyes guarded. "What do you mean?"

"Is someone out to get me? Did Janice put a hit out on me?"

Finally, his serious expression broke and he laughed. "No, nothing like that."

"I'm still eating my burger, see?" I said, picking it up in my hands. "Please feel free to fill in the gaps here. Maybe you could start with how you 'pinpointed' my location, and then tell me exactly why you're so worried about me."

"All right. I found you by following your scent." I stopped chewing, then swallowed, waiting for him to go on.

"And I worry about you because you seem a little accident prone," he added.

I smiled. "In the way that the Pacific Ocean seems a little wet?"

He met my grin with one of his own, and it was as if his gaze was a caress. I forgot how angry I'd been with him these past several weeks.

"Exactly. It's like fate has it in for you."

"I'm not _that _bad. I've made it this far in life, as you've noticed."

"No thanks to me," he mumbled, turning away.

"Actually, if it wasn't for you, I _would_ be dead." I reached over and put my hand around his. "I don't understand why you would say that."

He started to pull away from me, then stopped. We sat there for about a moment, me looking at Edward, and Edward looking at my hand over his. What was behind the expression on his face, I wondered? He appeared almost yearning. Rather than ask, I waited for him to continue.

"I was in the woods watching you when I detected the scent of the wolf. That's when I stepped out," he said, gently withdrawing from my grasp. "I was frantic over the possibility it would attack you, but when it started to walk, I realized it had also tracked me. Frankly, I think he and I were there for the same purpose: to protect you."

"You pointed out that I saved your life a few weeks ago. I believe, this time, the roles may be reversed. I'm quite certain you saved me from that wolf," he added thoughtfully.

"I saved you? How could that be?" I asked, completely mystified.

"The wolf realized I was also there, and he intended to defend you by whatever means possible," he said.

"Why would I need protection from you?" I tensed, waiting for his answer.

"Because of what I am." He said it matter of factly.

I sat back, astonished at his admission. "The wolf knows...what you are?"

"Yes." A brief pause while he resumed playing with the straw. "Do you?" He looked at me intently.

"Perhaps." I threw his word back at him.

"Elaborate, please." He folded his arms.

"Ah, now you want specific information from _me_." I nodded my head pensively and took another bite of my cheeseburger.

"Yes, I do. Please, don't make this difficult," he said, his eyes imploring me.

I couldn't look away, nor did I have the heart to tease him anymore. "I'll set aside your double-standard for a moment, because I can see you're more worried about this than I am," I said. He looked puzzled and was about to speak when I held out my hand to silence him.

"We both have a science background. When I see firsthand an example of, say, superhuman strength, or someone knowing something about me that cannot be discerned without my disclosure, I first consider a rational explanation," I began.

He nodded. "Go on."

"But some things have no rational explanation. How is it that an innocent child who is severely ill with cancer, whose family prays for her every day, will go into remission, while an equally innocent child with the same exact prognosis dies? Some would say there were genetic-based reasons why the second child died. Others would believe that prayers saved the first child. Will we ever really know?"

Edward watched me quietly with another unreadable expression on his face. "And, I would also ask, should we know? Perhaps there are some things that should be accepted on their own. Sometimes there are miracles and sometimes there are not. It's just the way the universe works. Or maybe, it's the way God works," I mused. "Anyway, I know enough to know I'll never know everything."

"Since I arrived in Forks, I've been learning more about the mystical side of life in this region. I've grown interested in local history and Indian culture, hence my visit to the cemetery." I began choosing my words very carefully. "There are numerous legends here -- quite beautiful, often supernatural stories, dating back many years."

I saw Edward stiffen in his seat. "One of these legends has to do with an...agreement between the tribe and a small group that had taken up residence not too far from the reservation. The tribe was concerned that their people would be hurt by this group, but the elders were assured that would not happen."

"Right before I became aware of this, my life was saved in a manner that was completely impossible. There was definitely no rational explanation for it. Now, maybe I should just accept it as a miracle. But the scientist in me couldn't let it go. The more I found, the less I saw of science and the more I saw of what fit in with the Quileute legend."

"What did you find? What fit in?" he asked softly.

"I looked online, of course, and although I know the information there is notoriously unreliable, a lot of it matched. Your skin, your speed, your strength, your beauty – it was described in myths the world over," I said.

Eating was now impossible; my stomach was a hard knot. I couldn't believe what I was saying.

"It all fits. The evidence – the raw data, if you will – is there. It's the conclusion that's inconceivable. I need you to confirm it," I said calmly.

His fists were clenched so tight I thought his skin would tear. "Confirm what, exactly?"

"That you're a vampire."

He was staring at me. "And if I do?"

"I told you, I just want to know the truth. The rest of it doesn't matter," I said calmly

Unbridled fury flowed over his features. For a moment, I thought I was wrong and had insulted him terribly. Instead, he hissed, "Not matter? How could it not matter?"

I opened my mouth to answer, but now it was his turn to speak. The words poured out in anger and disbelief. "Do you have any idea what this means for you? Any notion at all of the danger you're in? Why do you think I've ignored you all these weeks? We work very hard to restrain ourselves around humans, but we can never be completely trusted. _I_ can never be trusted!"

"Then why are you finally being so honest with me? Are you telling me the truth now, before you – I don't know, bite me? That wouldn't make sense." I wondered if he could see how much I was trembling.

His features softened. "Bella, I don't _want_ to hurt you. No, never," he said, almost lovingly. "I don't know how well I can control my...impulses." The sadness in his eyes was palpable, and I almost responded to that, instead of his words, before he resumed talking.

"Do you remember the first day we met? Your first day at the hospital?" Edward asked me.

I nodded. "I thought you hated me."

"Oh, I did. I did hate you. I had my world completely organized, all tidy and managed. And then you walked through that door, and all the years I'd spent training myself to resist started to slip away. I very nearly killed you right there."

I shuddered, and this was something Edward noticed. "Yes, you should be afraid of me!" He grimaced and leaned across the table. "Never forget what I am capable of. Never forget what I am."

Despite his strong words, there was contradiction in his eyes. He was warning me for my safety, that was clear; yet I could see him pleading with me to also believe his declaration that he wouldn't hurt me.

"How is it that you've lasted this long? That was, what – a few months ago?" I asked.

He smiled a little ruefully. "I was so angry those first few days. I was determined that you were not going to defeat me. There was no way I was going to upset the life..._existence" – _ he corrected himself – "I worked so hard to create. And I also would not endanger my family."

I thought of his father but held off on bringing up the similarities I'd noticed. I wondered if everyone in his family was the same.

"But I could see you knew something was wrong, and I was very concerned that you would start asking questions. Enough people in Forks already think the Cullens are unusual, although they're generally too cautious to pry. You're the only one I've met so far who can withstand taking a closer look," he said, smiling. I blushed once again; those poor attempts at hiding my stares hadn't worked.

"So I waited, and watched, and listened. You never mentioned anything to anyone about the way I treated you that morning. I was shocked that you didn't gossip about me. I paid attention to everyone you spoke with, almost every conversation you had. I told myself it was just to hear any suspicions you might have, but the truth is..." Edward hesitated. "The truth is, I was enjoying getting to know you, however indirectly. I've learned a great deal about you, all of it amazing. You have more qualities than I ever believed I would see in one person," he said tenderly.

My pulse raced. I'd seen this look on his face before, but I didn't believe it could be anything more than friendly interest. My stated goal had been to hear more of his story. I never dared hope I would be any part of it.

I pulled myself back to my other questions. "All these conversations you said you'd heard – how is that possible? You were never around."

He smiled. "Oh, I was close enough to hear. My hearing, and my eyesight, are far, far stronger than yours – stronger than any other species." As if it wasn't extraordinary enough to hear him refer to himself as another species, he then added casually, "Also, I can read minds."

Edward waited while that sank in. "You read minds?" I said weakly.

"Not everyone's. I have recently encountered the one person, human or immortal, whose mind I cannot penetrate." He looked at me meaningfully.

My eyes widened. "Me?"

"Yes. And that added to my worry. I didn't have my usual advantage of knowing thoughts before actions. So, I had to resort to listening to other people's minds when they spoke to you."

"So you were eavesdropping on my conversations?"

"Technically, they were the conversations of the people whose minds I invaded. They just happened to be talking to you."

I grabbed my soda, which was almost entirely water by now, and drank to buy myself some time before replying. Edward watched me. "What are you thinking?" he asked.

"That's not something you usually have to ask, I guess."

"That's true. And I have been wondering what you're thinking ever since we really got into this conversation. No, wait," he said, deliberating. "I've wanted to know what you're thinking ever since I met you."

"I can honestly say the same thing," I replied.

He smiled grimly. "You must have thought I was insane."

I nodded. "Yes. We hadn't even met -- I couldn't imagine what I'd done." I choked on those last words. That memory, and this unimaginable conversation, were weighing down on me.

Edward moved to hold my hand but then pulled away. His indecision, especially after all we'd discussed, made the tears come harder.

"Bella?" he said uncertainly.

"It's a lot to take in, Edward." He nodded, at a loss for words.

I changed the subject. "Why do you think you can't read my mind?"

He shrugged. "I wish I knew. You're very different from every human, as I said before. You have so many qualities and characteristics that are seriously lacking in others. You seem to understand the value of discretion, of not constantly claiming the limelight. Maybe this is just a part of that. You're private; you don't seem to be someone who wants to impose, or even allow someone else to help you," he said, that mischievous smile appearing again.

"It's just the way I am." I glanced away because I felt embarrassed and thrilled and completely overwhelmed, and I was worried it would show.

"And for the most part, that's wonderful." I almost started to cry again. "It would be smart, though, to graciously take medical advice when you're almost killed and the doctor orders someone stay with you," he admonished.

"Your father..." I said, and then stopped.

"What about him?" Edward said.

"I couldn't help but notice the similarities between you."

He knew what I meant. "Yes. We are similar."

"How many people are in your family?"

"In addition to Carlisle, there is my mother, Esme. They are our foster parents. There's also my sister Rosalie and her husband Emmett; and Alice and her mate, Jasper. Though we're not biologically related, we consider ourselves siblings."

"And you're all...the same?" I asked.  
"Yes."

"Alice was with you the day of the accident," I noted.

"She came to the hospital that morning to see me."

"You were both in the hallway, walking to the garage. Something happened between the two of you right before you ran to me, didn't it?" I asked.

His features hardened. "Yes." I was about to ask what was wrong when he relaxed again. "If you remember, I told you a little while ago that many of us have a special ability."

"Right," I said encouragingly.

"Alice can see the future. Her visions are not always accurate, but she does have a very good track record," he explained.

I was starting to feel numb, as if my emotions had gone on the defensive. All that he'd revealed to me in the past couple of hours gave way to enormous inner conflict. I believed it and I didn't want to believe it. It was all too fantastic and unreal, yet I couldn't doubt any of it. I was enormously relieved to simply know the truth, but I was devastated when I considered the implications.

My face must have reflected all this. Edward accurately gauged what I was feeling. "I think we've talked enough for now. I should take you home," he said firmly.

"No," I protested. "I have so many questions!"

He motioned for the waitress to bring us the check and then turned back to me. "We'll talk more. I promise you I'll answer everything I can."

"Why later? Why not now?" I asked. I was very afraid I'd never see him again after this. Maybe he was admitting everything because he planned to leave. He'd mentioned the danger he posed to me. I worried that Edward was convinced it would be best to stay out of my life. If he thought that was true, I at least wanted the chance to convince him otherwise.

"Up to this point you've been dealing with it very well. Now you look tired and stunned, and I don't want to overload your circuits," he said gently.

I knew it was useless to argue. I'd have to take it on faith that we'd talk again and he'd tell me more. Once I got back to my apartment, though, it would be hard to avoid the sense that this had all been a dream.

We walked to the car in silence. I went to open the passenger door when Edward reached quickly in front of me. "Allow me, please," he said. Normally, I get all "I-can-take-care-of-myself-k-thx" when men do that, but I smiled and accepted his thoughtfulness.

As we drove home, I said, "You asked me before what I was thinking. I never answered you. I was struck by how difficult it must be for you to tell me everything. Thank you for doing it."

"Well, you did say you wanted to know the truth. I assumed you meant that, even if the truth is not pleasant," he said gravely.

"Nobody's perfect," I said softly.

Edward laughed, a touch bitterly. "You have a way of making nearly everything humorous."

It was time I reciprocated the honesty. "You're right, I do. Sometimes I joke to try and help people feel at ease. Mostly, though, it helps me process things. Using humor lets me accept anything on my own terms." Judging by his expression, I knew he understood that about me.

"I'll probably need some time because of the...magnitude of it all," I explained. He nodded. "Will you help me with that?" I asked plaintively.

He regarded me quietly. "What would you like me to do?"

"Answer my questions. Don't spare anything. I can't do this if I sense you're not being honest with me."

"That sounds reasonable," he said, nodding again. He didn't exactly agree, though. Then, as an after thought, he asked, "What's the 'this" you're referring to?"

"I'm not sure," I admitted. "Whatever happens after today, I guess." I turned to him. "What _does_ happen after today?"

Edward was backing the Volvo into my driveway. He parked and turned off the motor.

"What do you want to happen?" he asked cautiously.

"I'm not completely sure of that, either," I said, absolutely lying to him. Thank God he couldn't hear my own truth: that I longed to be with him, despite what I now knew as fact. "But I can tell you what I don't want. I don't want you to ignore me, not out of fear or worry or any baseless decision you make without consulting me first."

He raised his eyebrows. "Anything else?"

"Yes. I don't want you to avoid telling me anything, as I said before. I don't want you to think I can't handle it. I might react a little strangely at first, but give the circumstances, I think that's to be expected. You've been able to stay with me these last hours, and while I can't read _your_ mind, I'd guess that means the temptation to kill me hasn't been strong enough to act on it. I don't want you believing it's impossible," I said.

"I don't want you to feel like I can't understand what you're going through. Okay, I know I can't," I amended when I saw the look on his face, "but I can't help you if you keep it all to yourself because I'm merely human."

He was about to protest before I said, "I'm not finished. I thought of something I do want. I want you to see the things that I've seen. Whatever else you may be, you are truly generous, intelligent, caring, intuitive, and, I'm sure, a host of other great things I haven't even gotten to yet. I want you to know that, and to remember it."

We were silent for a moment. Even in the dark, I could detect the deep astonishment on Edward's face. It was sadly obvious to me that no one had ever said anything like that to him before.

"Can I touch you?" At least I asked first.

I heard him inhale sharply – he had the window open – before he said, "Yes."

I covered his hand in both of mine and said, "One more thing: I don't want you to stay away from me."


	14. Edward, Chapter 7

**This chapter starts off after Edward has that important conversation with Alice. He is in Bella's room, before he makes amends with her while they're at work (and after avoiding her for weeks).**

**Edward likes to detail his thoughts, so there's a lot of narrative here. Also, he and I agreed to try something new. Instead of repeating everything that happened and inserting his point of view, I simply wrote what he was thinking and feeling, without all of the conversation. Edward's emotions from the cemetery and cafe are revealed here, but there is also something new at the end: the next step in Bella's and Edward's relationship, which happens in her apartment.**

**Edward, Chapter 7**

It was near dawn on Saturday morning, and I'd been in Bella's room for hours. I didn't want to leave, but I knew she would wake up soon. I relished these remaining minutes where I could enjoy the quiet: no voices pounding in my head, no noises except for the soft charm of Bella's rhythmic breath.

I will no longer deny what I feel for her. It is there, as certain as anything else in my life. My love for Bella is as entrenched as other essential parts of my being: my musical talent, my knowledge, my scientific vocation. It's a significant, if new, part of me. And though I know this as sure as I know my own name, I have no definite notion of whether it is reciprocated.

So, therein lay the problem. Bella would permanently be in my life, but would I be in hers at all? I would always watch her, and watch out for her. As long as I existed, my purpose would be to keep her safe and somehow ensure her happiness. I had to face the possibility, though, that happiness for her might not involve me. What, if anything, did she feel for me? Many times since I'd met her, I thought I saw something in her eyes, like a small flicker of affection. Whether this had potential for anything more grand, I couldn't say.

Several times, she had come in contact with my cold, dead skin. She seemed shocked by its unnatural state, yet she had voluntarily touched me several times since the day in the pharmacy when our hands reached for those syringes at the same time. At least, perhaps, she was no longer put off by it.

Certainly now, she suspected more. She had seen evidence of my tremendous strength. But rather than run, Bella seemed determined to stay connected with me. She said she wanted the truth. Based on what I'd come to know of her, this wasn't idle curiosity. I got the sense that she was doing her best to understand me, and asking for my help with that.

Or maybe I was only projecting. It could be my wishful thinking. I was almost completely sure I would never hurt her, but as long as there was even the most minute chance I would lose control, I had to be constantly vigilant. I could never minimize the danger she is in when she's with me. And if she was to know the truth, she needed to accept that important fact as well. I had to make her understand that whatever presence I had in her life would always be shadowed by the reality of my existence

Quickly, I left before she awoke. I wouldn't see her at work until next Friday morning, after my shift was over and she arrived for hers. In the meantime, I would come at night and watch, simply taking pleasure in her presence as she slept. I no longer needed any pretense or senseless excuse. I allowed myself to admit I only wanted to be there with her.

Later in the week, I went hunting with Emmett and Jasper. Alice had told Jasper of our conversation, and that her visions had resumed their previous themes of Bella and I together in various settings. Jasper still disapproved; he could not understand why I would pursue this relationship, feeling as I did about Bella's mortality.

"It's inevitable, Edward," he said in his Southern drawl. "Either she will die or she will become one of us." I knew he didn't mean to be unkind. Jasper's past, both human and vampire, includes years of military strategy. He thinks very logically, and usually in a results-oriented fashion. The only time he detours from the practical is with Alice, who embodies whimsy. Their relationship seems to be the kind that works because they are such opposites.

"Jasper, how would you handle this if it was you and Alice?"

He shrugged. "I wouldn't."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean I wouldn't get involved with Alice if she was still human. If her blood was as sweet to me as Bella's is to you, well, I'm afraid I would do what comes naturally to me." He regarded me apologetically. "I'm sorry I can't be of more help, Edward. You know I look at this quite differently than you. I do not wish any misfortune for you or the girl. I simply believe you are putting yourself in one thorny predicament."

Emmett had an earthier take on the situation. "So, what – you're just going to stay friends? Platonic, I mean?" He looked at me sideways, and I saw exactly what was in his mind.

"I'm not sure I can consider anything else. As far as I'm concerned, we'll be more than friends. But the physical side to this relationship – well, it's probably going to be close to nonexistent," I said.

Emmett couldn't fathom a world where that would happen. He shook his head. "Forever is a long time to give up sex," he said solemnly.

"She won't live forever, Emmett," I retorted, and immediately felt the sharp truth of those words.

"Yeah, but in the meantime, you're going to continue this monk-like existence? I don't know how you can deal with that. I don't know how _we_ can deal with you dealing with that," he grumbled.

Emmett was worrying about this a lot more than I was. He and Rosalie were frank and open about their sex life, to put it mildly. The notion of a higher love was lost on him.

I could hear his confused thoughts, so I knew what he'd say next. "Anyway, don't you even want to?"

"For crying out loud, Emmett, of course I do. I'm not wholly made of stone." I was painfully aware that I was the only member of my household without any carnal pursuits. I've heard reminders of it loud and clear for around 90 years. Now that I found someone I'd like to explore that with, she was untouchable -- for me, anyway.

"I could probably resist the thirst, but I'm afraid I'd really hurt her. I can't stand the thought of losing control and injuring or even killing her," I added, shuddering.

"That's really too bad, bro, because if there's _anything_ you could use, it's the opportunity to lose control," he said sympathetically.

"Thanks, Emmett," I said sarcastically. I knew he was attempting to be supportive. Emmett took a constant, if perverse, interest in my lack of sexual activity. He never understood why I wouldn't partner with a female vampire from another vegetarian coven we were close to. They live in Alaska, and for years, Emmett tried to talk me into dating any of the women, even casually. One of them, Tanya, was actually very interested in me, but as with Rosalie, I did not reciprocate. I couldn't abide the thought of spending time with a woman just for the sake of sex. It seemed wrong to consider her in only that way, although Tanya made it plain on many occasions that such an arrangement would be fine with her.

I didn't know if things would even get to a point with Bella where sex would be an issue. I decided not to be concerned about that now; I had enough other things to worry about, like whether she would even speak to me after the cold shoulder I'd been giving her these past several weeks.

The day arrived when we would next see each other at the hospital. My stomach, which is normally not very reactive to my life's events, now served as my nerve center. I could feel the anticipation there, most of it concern over what her response would be.

Bella arrived and walked slowly to her desk, a slight frown on her face. She appeared to be deep in thought. I plunged ahead with mending the fence I had broken so thoroughly.

"Good morning, Bella." She whirled around to face me, reacting as if I'd stabbed her. Her furious response was justified; she had to be incredibly angry that I had done another 180-degree turn and was friendly to her again. I tried to explain myself, but I did a miserable job of getting my point across before Janice entered the pharmacy and killed the mood. I promised Bella we would talk more, and I hoped she could at least have faith in my words.

Returning to her house that night, I saw her cycling clothes laid out and her helmet left on the kitchen table. She must be planning a ride, so I decided to go home for awhile and then come back in the morning to follow her. I remained outside in her yard for hours until the late afternoon, when I saw her leave through the back door. She rode off on her bike and turned south on Route 101.

I took off, staying on the ground when there were plenty of trees for cover and jumping through branches higher up where lawns or homes left too much visibility. I noted with frustration that she stuck to the highway. What a stubborn woman! Annoyed with her lack of regard for safety, I turned off the road and ran home to get my car.

Driving back, I almost missed her until my discerning eyesight picked her out at a distance in the cemetery. Why was she here? I pulled the car off the paved entrance, silently closing the door and slipping into the woods. She was inspecting the headstones and making etchings from some of the markers. I knew she liked history, so I surmised this was for her own research. She was so purposeful that I knew she wouldn't see me.

I planned to stay as long as she did, but I hadn't thought out what I would do when she prepared to leave. Should I make my presence known? It would be a good opportunity to speak with her and fulfill my promise to talk, but what excuse could I give for being at the cemetery? As I mulled over my options, I detected another scent-- the unmistakable stink of a wolf. I saw it at the edge of the woods, walking toward Bella. Panicked, I stepped out of my hiding place and called out to her. She had already spotted the animal.

The moment it stopped growling and began a roaring bark, I realized it was one of the werewolves from the Quileute tribe. I heard its thoughts and knew it to be a member of the Black family and scion to a ruling elder. The animal let loose with a stream of invective to warn me away from Bella.

"Why did you come here, leech? You know what will happen if you harm any human. You make one move and you're done. Come on, I'm waiting, bloodsucker. I'd be happy to be the one who takes you down. You'll never get the chance to hurt her. Let this be a warning to you and your family. We are watching. You can't come on our reservation but you know we can come here. "

In the midst of the wolf's snarling, Bella stood up. Horrified, I told her again not to move, but she didn't listen. Instead, she moved backwards, toward me. It was as if she knew that I was the wolf's real target, even though there was no way for her to be certain the animal wouldn't attack both of us. I wished again that I could read her thoughts, if only to prove conclusively that she was as insane as she seemed to be right now.

"Keep walking toward me and stand behind me. Stop when you reach me. I can't see you and I don't want to turn my back on him," she instructed me. The only other time I'd seen her so self-assured was when she fought Janice's bullying. Worry, admiration, love and irritation welled up in me, all at once.

Bella and I were now exactly lined up, with me towering over her. I registered the wolf's surprise at this. He apparently hadn't counted on the fact that she might not be in danger with me.

"This isn't over, bloodsucker, not by a long shot. She'd better get home safely," he said in one final snarl before loping back to the woods.

When he was gone, Bella collapsed to the ground. Moving at vampire speed, I got down in front of her and took her hands in mine, wanting so much to offer her warmth and comfort instead of my cold marble grasp. There was nothing I could do to change that, so instead I focused on helping her get her bearings. Fortunately, she'd brought a water bottle with her; she seemed somewhat restored once she took a drink.

Naturally, she questioned my presence in the cemetery. Rather than get into it here, I took her bike and recommended we head to the café in Forks, using my car. I was worried that she was in shock, so I wanted to make sure she had something to eat and drink.

Bella was silent as we drove the short distance to the café. Mercifully, her scent, while stronger due to the exertion of cycling, wasn't overwhelming. My nighttime visits to her apartment surely helped. I glanced at her as often as I dared, taking in her expressive eyes, flushed cheeks and full lips. She'd pulled out her ponytail so her hair wandered haphazardly down her arms -- the same absent-minded gesture she'd made the last time she was in my car. Again, I had a nearly irresistible urge to brush her long locks past her shoulders and tuck the stray strands behind her ear. If I gave in, I knew I wouldn't stop there; I'd slowly caress the apple of her cheeks and then brush my thumbs gently, repeatedly, over her lips. Oblivious to my fantasies, Bella stared thoughtfully out the window as we approached the café.

Though superficially polite, the hostess fantasized a series of vulgar mental images each time she looked my way. I tuned her out and asked for a private table. I didn't want either Bella or I to be inhibited by the concern that other patrons would overhear us. This conversation was going to be pivotal, our time together too important. I prayed to whatever God of immortals there may be to let her hear me out and comprehend why I hadn't trusted her with the truth. Disclosing my supernatural existence was bad enough; she may well think I'm mentally ill. My real reason for evading the topic, however, was selfishness. I was worried that once I told her, she would avoid me at all costs, whether she believed me or not. Stupidly, I thought putting her off would somehow enable us to stay friends. I should have realized that Bella deserved more; she deserved the candor she desperately wanted.

I watched as she drank and ate, her eyes reclaiming more of their usual sparkle. While I concentrated on finding the right way to start, Bella spoke up first.

"How did you know I was at the cemetery?" For the first time today, I detected fear in her eyes as she awaited my answer.

I promised her I would tell her what she wanted to know. I'd already made a similar vow to myself, to stop escalating the lies that were characterizing my relationship with her. But I still couldn't bring myself to state anything directly in the way I knew she'd prefer. While I struggled for the nerve to speak honestly, I was also massively distracted by her presence. It wasn't the scent of her blood, which affected me only a little right now. No, it was simply being here with her in this small booth. The longer I drew it out, the longer I could stay with her. I let myself imagine, a little, that we had a blessedly normal relationship.

This was part of the life I could never have: sitting in a small restaurant with a woman I adored, engaged in conversation. If only there were some way we could be just another couple who stopped here for a bite to eat after the movies. Except I didn't eat, the earlier part of our "date" was in a cemetery where we escaped from a wolf, and our table talk centered around my confession that I am a vampire.

Bella chewed her burger thoughtfully while I described how I followed her, first on foot. I tried to explain that I trailed her out of anxiety for her safety. She'd realized the wolf's real target and seemed dismissive of my concern. Apparently, she was unaware of the dangers posed by young, unrestrained werewolves. I didn't reveal all that he'd said; I thought that would be too much for her. But I did tell her the wolf believed she needed protection from me "because of what I am," as I explained it, calmly as I could. So much for prolonging anything. We had arrived at the heart of the matter in a very short time.

She rephrased my offhand statement as a question. "The wolf...knows what you are?"

"Do you?" I asked quietly.

To me, it was the most important question ever. I waited for her answer...

...and she made me work for it. My dignity was way down my list of priorities right now, so I begged her, imploring, "Please, don't make this difficult for me." Her eyes softened measurably, and after a cryptic remark about how I was "more worried about this" than she was, Bella finally let me into the thoughts I couldn't read.

Her arrival at the truth was an elementary exercise in deductive reasoning, brilliant in its simplicity. Listening to her describe how she had pieced it together and matched the two universes of science and fantasy, I marveled again at her intelligence, appreciating it all the more for how much it had upset my staid existence.. Like me, she was both cursed and blessed with a logical mind, so she relied on the type of process that had served her well throughout her schooling and professional life. She considered all the elements and organized them, fitting the parts of the myth into the parts that were ruled out by science. Where the science failed to provide an answer, she looked to the ancient stories for more information. Somehow, she'd learned of the treaty with the Quileutes. She figured out that my family comprised the most likely candidates for the group of outsiders who frightened the local tribe so many years ago. All she wanted was for me to affirm her conclusion.

I looked for signs of fear, disgust or disbelief, but there were none. Bella's expression remained thoughtful and empathetic. There was relief in her eyes at finally having the explanation she'd wanted for so long. I could see this was difficult for her, but she seemed more concerned for me and not herself. If she was extending herself to me so generously, maybe she could give me the benefit of the doubt and understand that my regard for her well-being was truly paramount. Despite my selfish desires, I would leave her alone if she chose. It would hurt, but I would accept it as long as I knew for sure that she did not think I lacked a conscience and decency, even if I had no soul.

Occasionally, some flashes of the wit that I loved came through; it was then that I began to trust she was coping with this. I had already surmised that humor was a tool she used to adjust to certain situations. Cautiously, I began revealing, piece by piece, the particulars of my other capabilities: my discernment of her scent and my ability to read minds, excluding hers. I watched her intently, yet with every revelation, she remained calm even when she couldn't help but look shocked. Consideration, humor, compassion – her qualities remained right there with the incredulity she mostly hid from me.

At one point, she put her hand on mine. Reflexively, I started to withdraw, then stopped. I knew I should acknowledge her bravery in reaching for me and overlooking my cold touch, so I decided to enjoy her warmth and softness, not knowing if I would ever have it again. Savoring this pure pleasure, I gazed at her delicate fingers, then reluctantly set my hand back in my lap for whatever came next.

I had to remind Bella that she must never forget how dangerous I am. I loved her too much to forgo warning her about the instability of my nature and impulses. I wished with every part of my being that she would know I meant it when I said I never wanted to hurt her. Intent and instinct can be at odds with each other, though, particularly when the pull of her blood was ever present. It was irresponsible for me to want her when the monster within was biding its time, waiting to win.

The hours went by; to me, it was all too brief, but I could see her exhaustion. Much as I wanted to keep her there and hear more reassurance that she didn't despise me, I had to let her go for now. The emotions and shock of today's events were clearly wearing on her, in spite of her calm. I had no idea what would happen tomorrow. Would reality sink in and send her packing back to New Jersey? That was a risk already taken. The rest was up to her.

We left the café and drove to her apartment. I wondered briefly if she was reconsidering the promise she'd made that whatever I was, she would accept me. I knew what I wanted – her – but I had no idea if it was safe to say that. Perhaps her tolerance would not extend beyond friendship. I would be devastated but I would understand.

As I was reflecting on this, Bella said softly, hesitantly, "I'll probably need some time because of the magnitude of it all." That was reassuringly reasonable. And then she stunned me by asking, "Will you help me with that?" She wanted my _help? _I grew cautious even as I was thrilled at the implication: that meant we would be together somehow. Without reading _my_ mind, she addressed my concerns about the future by asking me to trust her. She wanted honesty and forthrightness, and she wanted me to have faith in her ability to understand all of this. This long speech of hers was spoken in an almost angry tone, though I understood it was not that at all. She was telling me in the clearest voice possible that she expected some things in return for her loyalty. Bella believed she was laying out a litany of demands, but to me, she was offering keys to unlock her thoughts and feelings – the very things I'd been trying to access since I laid eyes on her. Her stipulations were the best bargain I'd ever been dealt.

Astonished, I listened as she told me firmly that I was not to make any decisions on what was best for her without talking to her first. My selfish nature exulted in that; my sensible side worried about how I could responsibly adhere to it. The rational knowledge that this could well be very bad for her was warring with my emotional need to have her with me. Bella told me in no uncertain terms that she wanted me to be straight with her from now on. I wasn't sure if that meant there would _be_ a "from now on," and she admitted she didn't know what the future held, either. "What does happen after this?" she wondered out loud.

It became obvious that she wanted something similar to what I longed for. Bit by bit, tiny amounts of hope began seeping through my hard, impermeable surface. They settled gently at my center, right near the self-loathing and anger I'd held on to for nearly a century. And then Bella delivered the final antidote to my fear that I could never mean anything significant to her. Lovingly, she recited the good she'd seen in me in the short time we'd known each other. I was in such a stupor of disbelief that I almost missed her next question.

"Can I touch you?"

Numb from shock, I finally registered her words and slowly said "Yes." My right hand was on my seat next to my right leg, resting on the leather. Bella reached over with both her hands and covered it, sliding her left one under and leaving her right hand on top of mine so our fingers were perfectly lined up, in the same exact position. Her small hands completely encased mine in a gesture at once protective, inviting and reassuring.

As if the day hadn't already given me my fill of incredible events, Bella then added one more demand: "I don't want you to stay away from me."

Maybe I hadn't had the "normal" date with her that I'd craved earlier, at the cafe. But I could feel the beginnings of a path to working out what was normal for us. She wanted me with her. _Me._ Bella could have her pick of any male in the state of Washington, and she chose me. I wanted to sing out every bit of the ecstasy coursing through my body, but I was afraid of scaring her off. So I answered her simply with, "I won't."

We departed at that point. There were no plans made right away, yet I knew we would be together again soon. I planned to return at night anyway, to stay with her as she slept once again, but I was now confident that there would also be a time for that when both of us were conscious.

I left the apartment at 8 a.m, not knowing when Bella planned to awaken. I knew that on weekends, she preferred to sleep in, but rather than take the chance, I decided to watch from the outside, in my typical perch on a branch. Her alarm went off at 8:30, and I saw her wake up willingly. Averting my senses while she showered, I saw her promptly leave the house at 9:25, and followed her as she drove the Subaru to a local church.

Here was another surprise; Bella seemed full of them. She was indeed headed to a service; she parked her car and entered the sanctuary of the Episcopal church in Forks. Why? What kind of answers was she searching for? This was unnerving. Was she mulling the religious implications of keeping company with a vampire? That didn't bode well for me.

I waited patiently; the service was over after an hour. Right by her car in the parking lot, there was a large elm that provided ample cover. I was in a branch that was high enough to keep me from anyone's line of sight, but low enough where the foliage didn't impede my ability to see her.

Bella rounded the sidewalk from the front of the church and walked slowly to the parking lot in the back, working her way to her car. She kept her head down and avoided other parishioners. I was certain she hadn't come to church before; I would have known that. Even from my distance, I detected something off about Bella's usual scent. And then I saw she was crying; my hyperactive sense of smell had picked up the saltiness of her tears.

Agonized, I watched her work at keeping her bearings while she unlocked her car. Once she was in, she looked around – perhaps to see if anyone was close? I couldn't know – and then leaned over her steering wheel, resting her forehead on the top. Judging by the vigorous way her shoulders were shaking, I knew she was now crying very hard.

I rooted myself to the tree, digging my fingers into the branch and the trunk. I had to anchor my body as tightly to it as possible, to keep from yanking open the door to her car and taking her in my arms. It had to be something related to me; I was with her for almost 24 hours yesterday, and I knew of nothing else catastrophic in her life right now. Yet again, I damned whatever it was that enabled her to block my ability to read her thoughts.

I watched her helplessly for about 15 minutes, until she picked her head up and stared straight ahead. The tears had abated. Bella squared her shoulders and heaved an enormous breath, and the evident determination of those actions pierced my dry heart more powerfully than watching her cry. She drove away and I followed her home from a slight distance.

I wanted very much to know what was happening, of course, but I couldn't just pop in and ask her. Instead, I ran home to find Alice. She might see something that would help me figure it out. Much as I wanted that normal relationship with Bella, I wasn't above using the supernatural to help me get to it.

Alice wasn't on the first floor; I hoped she and Jasper weren't somewhere they couldn't be disturbed. But he was playing a computer game with Emmett, so I ran to their room. She was sitting peacefully, cross-legged on a loveseat, waiting for me.

"It's okay," she said immediately upon seeing my face. I released the tension I'd been holding throughout my body without being aware of it, and sat down heavily on their bed.

"She went to church for strength. She didn't know where else to turn. The tears are because she doesn't know how to help you," Alice explained, then added, "I saw you were confused about something related to Bella, so I looked for it."

I nodded. It somehow seemed in character for Bella to seek comfort in spirituality. "I was very worried there, for a lot of reasons," I admitted.

"You know she'd never tell anyone, let alone a _priest,_" Alice admonished me.

"Yes, but what if something in the service encouraged her to stay away from me? Organized religion isn't very big on demons and monsters. She might have been inspired by a particular reading or sermon," I pointed out.

"She was, but it's all good. The readings had a lot to do with forgiveness and acceptance. You should go and talk to her about it," Alice said, giving me a gentle shove with her foot.

Acceptance. How many times had I said or heard that word in the last day? I suppose there could be a worse theme for my life. If Bella was going to accept me, I also had to accept her, and that included whatever came with the shock she was surely feeling after our intense time together yesterday.

I returned to Bella's apartment late that afternoon, as dusk was approaching. I carefully ascended an evergreen in the middle of the yard. From here, I could see into her kitchen, and I quickly spotted her at the sink, her head bent over whatever she was doing – washing dishes, I assumed.

I hadn't intended to speak directly with her tonight, but fate had other plans. After a couple of minutes Bella looked up and smiled, gazing around the back of the yard. It seemed as if she was simply appreciating her surroundings. Her glance moved straight in my direction and she froze, staring at me.

I quickly jumped over to the next few trees while Bella flew out her back door and ran to the railing of the deck. She looked around the treetops and whispered, "Edward?" Frowning, she scoured the early evening sky, trying hard to see me.

I couldn't believe I had been so careless. Distracted and worried over her crying earlier today, I'd chosen a branch with a lot of open space that faced the back of her apartment.

I slipped quietly out of the tree and plopped down on the deck behind her, letting my shoes make a soft noise. She whirled around and said, "What are you doing? How long have you been here? Why didn't you tell me you were here?"

"One question at a time," I said, walking over to her and leaning against the railing. I was trying to project a casualness that I definitely did not feel. "Which would you like me to tackle first?"

"You're really going to answer me without running away or coming up with some evasive excuse?" she said, eyeing me suspiciously.

I rolled my eyes and said, "I think we're a little past that now."

"True. Okay, then, take my questions in order." She pulled her sweater tight against her middle.

"You look cold. Do you want to get a coat?" I asked

Bella turned away from me and said, "Let's just go inside." She opened the screen door and looked back at me, waiting expectantly.

I hesitated, still by the deck railing. Being close to her outside was one thing; entering her apartment, where it was just the two of us and her scent was all over, was quite another. Then again, I'd stayed with her numerous nights for many hours and I was able to competently resist temptation.

She waited, her expression growing impatient. "Will you join me?" she asked pointedly. "I don't bite. I promise," she added, a mischievous smile playing around her full lips.

Bella could make me laugh harder, and more often, than anyone else. And with that, I decided I would go inside with her, and that it would be fine.

She motioned to one of the chairs in the kitchen and then walked to the stove, where one pot held marinara sauce and another, boiling water. Wordlessly, she dumped some ziti into the boiling water, stirred it, and then set a timer.

"If I'm interrupting your dinner, I can come back another time," I offered.

"No way. You've been found out, you're here now, and I'm going to take advantage of that," she said calmly.

I sighed in an exaggerated manner. "Did you say you wanted me to answer your questions in order?"

"Yes, please."

"I came here because I was worried about you, again. Not your safety this time, your emotional well-being," I said, speaking an approximate half-truth. The rest of it was just my insatiable need to be with her. "Yesterday, you expressed your thoughtful concern for me, but our talk couldn't have been easy for you either, and I wanted to make sure you were okay."

She nodded her head once, graciously. "Thank you. In all honesty, I am still kind of shaken up, but I think it's settling in."

"Second question: I've been accompanying you, however anonymously, almost all day."

Her eyes widened in surprise, then narrowed suspiciously. "You followed me when I went out this morning?"

"Yes. And to answer your third question, I didn't tell you because I didn't know how you would react to my being here."

Bella actually laughed at that. "Well, that was real effective, wasn't it? You're about to find out anyway."

I smiled. "I hope so. I do want to know what you're thinking, even if it continues to make life difficult for me." _And what a lovely difficulty it is, _I mused. I would live with it the rest of my unnatural life, and be grateful for every second.

She screwed up her features and regarded me with some irritation. "Why didn't you just call me and ask me if you could come over?"

_Because it was less complicated for me to take the easy way out. _"I don't know," I responded.

"Did you think I would say no?"

_The odds were not in my favor. _"Probably." She waited for a further explanation. I debated how much to say and then decided to really throw it out there. "There are times when you're at you're most fascinating if you don't know I'm here."

Bella looked startled, then alarmed. "What do you mean by that?"

I hesitated and looked at my hands. "I come here very often, almost every night."

The timer went off. Saved by the bell? Not quite. Bella stared at me, eyes huge, while she stood up and backed toward the stove.

"Please turn around so you don't walk into the flame," I advised her.

She drained the pasta in a colander and then walked over to me, apparently doing her best to keep her temper under control. "Have you been _spying_ on me?"

I set my lips in a thin line and said, "I guess you could call it that."

She blew out a breath that emphasized her disgust. "You know how you told me I should be afraid of you?"

"Yes," I said slowly.

"Well, this is accomplishing that better than anything else I've learned about you," she informed me. "You've been _stalking_ me!"

"It's really not like that--" I started to say.

"Yes it _is_ like that! Edward, it's creepy!"

"No," I said firmly. "Let me explain." She nodded, with a look that said "Please _do." _"I started out watching--" I began to say, then saw how her expression grew more infuriated. "Okay, scratch that. Remember how I told you I was worried that you suspected something about me? And how I was very concerned that I couldn't read your mind?" She nodded again, expectantly.

"I came here to find out whatever was possible about your thoughts. I wanted to know who you talked to, and whether you had discussed me with anyone. And yes, before too long, I realized you were very discreet. It had to be that, because you certainly could never be called inattentive," I explained, smiling at her as warmly as I could.

Bella's face remained stony. "And then, honestly, after awhile – a _short_ while -- I kept coming because I enjoyed your company, even if it was very one-sided. I couldn't stay away," I explained, hoping somehow this would thaw her. I began to worry I'd caused an offense I couldn't recover from.

"I never did anything improper – I mean, I never watched while you were doing something I should not see. I respected your privacy, at least in that manner," I said. "Please believe me. I would never – _never_ – do that," I entreated. I was desperate to have her trust that I could be at least that honorable.

After a minute, she said slowly, "Alright. I believe you. I just don't understand why you had to commit all these illegal – not to mention immoral" – she said, frowning darkly – "deeds when all you had to do was ask me."

I regarded her with some shock. "As far as I knew, you hated me, maybe even were repulsed by me."

Now Bella looked stunned. "I never hated you. Never. I was angry with you plenty of times, but I honestly never felt hate for you."

I didn't say anything else for the moment, relishing this admission. "I don't want to interrupt while you're explaining this, but how did you get in here?" she asked suspiciously.

"It's very easy to get through your door even when it's locked. You really should take care of that," I chided her.

Her eyebrows went up. "Who else is out there just dying to get into my apartment? When did my address get to be such a desirable destination for supernatural beings?"

"I think that so-called lock can be very easily broken by someone who's nowhere near as strong as I am." I glanced away for a second. "Look, I had no right to come here. I have no right to invade your privacy. I was wrong to do that." She watched me intently. "And I apologize. I'll leave if you want me to. I'd understand." Please, please let _her_ understand, and not ask me to go, I begged silently.

She shook her head. "No, I don't want you to go. You're here, and as I said, I'm going to take advantage of that." Now she looked at me curiously. "When was the last time you dated a woman?"

Well, this was a unique shift in the conversation. "Why would you ask that?" I said, amused and anxious at the same time.

"Any recent experience with a girlfriend would have taught you that stalking someone is not attractive. Quite the opposite, in fact."

"It wasn't stalking."

"How is it different?" she challenged me.

"First of all, I didn't do it with the intent to control or abuse you. Second, I had my own welfare, as well as that of my family, to worry about. I had no other way to know if you might reveal your concerns about me to anyone else. I started off needing information. It wasn't until later that I realized I really wanted to know you," I said, almost whispering that last sentence.

She was about to say something when I held out my hand to stop her. "And even after we spoke, I couldn't discern how you felt about me. I could never be sure you would be interested in me."

Bella's eyes softened. "That's how people do it, though. You take that chance on someone."

"Most people are not vampires," I explained gently. "You knew I was different. I thought you were repulsed by my skin, or my coldness."

Understanding washed over her features and changed her demeanor. She nodded her head. "Now I see. You thought that would turn me away?"

"Exactly, yes."

"Well then, you didn't get to know me as well as you believe you did." She kept her gaze locked in mine, steady and level.

I didn't have a reply to that. I didn't need one. I just smiled at her, slowly, and enjoyed being able to finally look her in the eye without worry.

A few moments went by. "If you only knew..." she said softly, shaking her head. _Knew what? Don't keep it from me,_ I was about to say, but she spoke again.

"How is it for you now? Your..." she floundered for the right words.

I figured out what she was getting at. "My desire to drink your blood?"

"Okay, since you put it that way, yes."

I smiled again. "I think it might be good if we don't dance around it. Speaking plainly injects a certain reality into this situation."

Bella laughed. "Yes, a completely unreal level of reality." She waited for my answer.

"I wouldn't say it's gone. It will probably never go away."

"So you've told me. But you've come here at least a few times, and you haven't killed me," she noted.

"Your safety is always in jeopardy when you're with me," I said emphatically. Her face fell a little; I hoped it was because the thought of staying away from me made her sad. "The more I am around you, though, the more I become used to your scent. That helps make it a little easier." I was redefining the term "mixed messages" here.

"Then maybe it would be good if we spent time together. And you don't have to skulk around in trees or illegally enter my home. Let's try a more typical approach," she said, grinning. No longer dormant, my hopes soared with her optimism.

Bella returned to the sink and finished preparing her dinner. "Would you like some pasta?" she asked.

"No, thank you."

"It's actually pretty good, even though I made it myself." Still smiling, she poured some pasta in a bowl and ladled sauce over it.

"No, thank you. I don't eat – well, not what you eat."

Bella turned toward me quickly, shocked. "You don't eat human food? Ever?"

"No, I don't need to. And as far as Carlisle has been able to determine, we don't have the capacity to digest it."

She stopped what she was doing, inexplicably upset, and I struggled once more with the frustration of not being able to read her mind.

"Please tell me what you're thinking. Why do you seem so unhappy?" I asked.

Bella sighed. "Cooking is probably the one quantifiable skill I have, and it does me no good with you," she said.

I laughed with relief. "I've already seen that you're good at plenty of things," I responded. "While we're on the subject of eating, though, there is something important that I want to tell you. My family and I are quite different from most vampires. We don't drink human blood; we exist on animal blood." She stopped, fork in midair, and regarded me in amazement. "None of us want to hurt people. We hunt animals. We've learned to use their blood as a substitute," I explained.

Suddenly, Bella looked terrified as her glance shifted past my left shoulder. The cat had entered the room; I could detect its scent, and when it picked up on mine, it began hissing and growling.

I realized why she was panicking. "No, no!" I hurriedly reassured her. "I wouldn't touch the cat! She's safe."

Bella visibly relaxed. "Sorry. I guess she'd barely be enough for an appetizer anyway," she joked – trying, again, to set things right with a joke.

"Considering what I just told you, it's a perfectly normal reaction," I replied. Hesitating a little, I asked, "Can I ask you another question?"

We moved to the parlor, settling on the couch at a cautious distance from each other with the cat still making her displeasure obvious.

"Faith!" Bella scolded. "Stop that!" The cat ran off down the hall.

Amused, I asked her, "Is that what you named her?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"It seemed appropriate."

Interesting choice, but I could see it. "How did you know about the arrangement with the vet? And the coffeemaker, for that matter."

"It wasn't hard. In fact, those were probably the easiest conclusions I drew about you. You were the only one who knew about the cat – at least, in time to get back to the vet that Saturday afternoon. And you were really the only one who knew my coffeemaker broke."

I nodded my head appreciatively. "I seem to underestimate your deductive skills a lot."

Bella blushed. "No, I'm sure you don't. I just put everything together."

I smiled warmly at her. "It's more than that. You did an impressive job figuring out a lot about me. But I'm not surprised. You're very intelligent."

Her blush deepened, and despite the accompanying increase in the venom flooding my mouth, I enjoyed the effect it had on her skin.

She wouldn't meet my eyes as she talked. "It's been a strange couple of months..." she started to say.

"I can agree with that completely," I said, now trying to put her at ease.

Bella laughed – a joyous sound to me – and then continued, "I didn't understand what was going on, especially at first, but once we talked, it changed so much. I'm glad you initiated that conversation, even though you had to do it instead of wanting to."

"No," I said slowly, shaking my head, "I'm pretty sure that I _did_ want to. I just didn't want to admit it at the time."

She blushed again and ducked her head. "There was a connection right from that time, wasn't there?" She looked to me for affirmation.

"Yes. I thought so. I felt it."

Bella nodded. "Why me?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, I'm sure you could have any girl you want," she said self-consciously. "It seems unlikely that me, a transplant from New Jersey, could just walk in and rock your world."

"But that's exactly what happened," I said emphatically. I paused, wondering if it would be too shocking to talk more of the draw her blood held for me. She saw my hesitation and said, "Whatever it is, just say it. We're past that, remember?"

I nodded. "I'm sure you remember yesterday, when I told you several times – because apparently you weren't listening" -- I glared at her severely -- "that I am very dangerous to you?"

She nodded, looking at me intently. "It isn't only the typical danger that a vampire would pose to a human. Your blood, in particular, has a very strong, very..._appetizing_ scent, to me." Now it was my turn to bow my head. "I'm the worst sort of predator, and apparently, you bring that out in me more than anyone else does."

"I thought you said you only drink animal blood," she said gently. I looked up at her and there was no judgment in her eyes, nor fear, only confusion.

"We've conditioned ourselves over many years to use animals instead of killing people. But the desire for human blood never goes away. We usually overcome it, but it can also overpower us with no advance warning." I saw her flinch and thought, _Good. You should be frightened. You need to know this. _And then, reflexively, _But please don't let it keep you away._

Bella tilted her head and considered me carefully. "You're like Aslan," she finally said.

"Aslan from 'The Chronicles of Narnia'?"

"The very one."

I smiled, mystified. "You do know he is widely interpreted to be a Christ-like figure?"

"I was thinking of another character's assessment of him. One of the other animals said, 'He's not tame, but he's good'," Bella said thoughtfully.

That analogy was completely unexpected; that she would even consider me in those terms left me reeling. The warmth of her expression was a stark contrast to the cold reality of the peril she was in just for being in my company. With an ache, I thought of how long I'd waited for her tenderness, and how much of it I'd lacked throughout my existence.

"That's at least half right," I muttered grimly.

Bella looked annoyed. "I don't know how you can say that. You saved my life when the consequences for you were enormous if someone saw you. You've been generous to me in less exceptional ways, too."

I looked beyond Bella at the painting she'd hung on the wall opposite where we were sitting. It was the urban street scene, with rowhouses, streetlights, cars jammed against the curb, and telephone wires strung high above sidewalks.

"I'm not an ideal man, Bella. Not for any woman, certainly not for you," I said slowly.

"You've really convinced yourself that you're evil, haven't you?" she said sadly.

"I've done many horrible things in my immortal years. I've lied, stolen, forged – mostly in the name of survival, but I do it without a second thought." And there's far worse than that, I thought despairingly.

"How many years have you been a vampire?" she asked curiously.

"For nearly a century." Still, there was no shock on her face, only composure.

"I supposed you've had to do any number of illegal things just to avoid being discovered," she surmised.

"Yes," I nodded. "But I've done other things, too, that are more horrible. I've killed people, Bella. You have to know that. Don't think I'm good," I warned.

I saw her swallow, then nod her head. "It sort of goes with the territory, though, doesn't it?" She smiled weakly. "But you don't do that anymore. You said you don't."

"True, but the desire is still there. I've learned to subsume it. I haven't murdered a human being in years, thought I've wanted to. I've already told you how close I came to killing you that first day. I would have had to kill everyone else in the room, too, and I was very ready to do that."

She closed her eyes, which frustrated me. It was hard enough not knowing her thoughts, but when she shut off an important part of her facial expression, it made it even worse. Then she spoke. "I'm so sorry."

"_You're_ apologizing to _me_ because I wanted to _kill_ you?" My voice rose. "Do you even recognize how backwards that is? I should be apologizing to you, every minute of every day."

"I'm sorry that I've made your life so difficult," she said simply. "It's your nature, and you have to deny it every time you are anywhere near me."

I shook my head as she spoke. "You're taking your selflessness much too far," I scolded her. "You are honestly talking like you believe this is your fault."

Tears were in her eyes. "It's not just that. I'm really sorry for a different reason." She hesitated. I waited, wondering what she could possibly be referring to.

"I told you that what you are doesn't matter to me, and I meant that. But it seems like it matters a great deal to you – enough so that you'd…" She stopped and sniffled.

The instinct to comfort, to understand, surged forth, ahead of the instinct to harm. Very slowly, I put my cold hand against her cheek so that my palm cradled her face. "Tell me," I said softly.

Bella squeezed her eyes shut and leaned into my hand before replying. I was almost growing impatient until I realized she was soothed. Her teary face had calmed almost immediately. It was as if my touch – my icy cold, inhuman touch – had the desired effect.

"Well, enough that you'd have to stay away from me, even though I told you I didn't want you to." She opened her eyes and gazed into mine, the tears still clinging to her lashes.

"Bella." I said quietly. "I want to be with you more than anything. Are you saying you really can't see that?"

"I don't know. I'm confused and thinking the worst," she said honestly. "It's as if you're saying one thing but meaning another."

That was exactly it. I was starting to realize her perceptiveness wasn't going to let me get away with very much. "You're right about that. I don't mean to confuse you. I can't simply say I want us to be together unless I explain to you – again and again, if I have to – that I'm not good for you. I'm _dangerous,_ Bella, and you can never forget that. You can't ever trust me." I removed my hand, feeling the warmth from her face that remained in my palm.

"I don't want you to hurt. But it would hurt me if you made the decision for me and stayed away," she said, the anguish plain on her face.

Conflict raged within me, selfishness and unselfishness, desire and logic, fear and optimism. "I've known for awhile that I wanted to be with you. Why else would I break into your house?" That brought a smile to her face. "But I can't tolerate even the thought that I might hurt you. I could never live with myself."

"I can accept it if you avoid me because it's best for you. I can't accept it if we stay apart because you think it's best for me," she insisted. Then, more softly, "I have faith in us. Can't we try?"

I stared in her eyes a long time. Selfishness was looking unbeatable, pulling desire and optimism into the winner's circle with it. "It won't be easy," I said.

A loving smile lit up her face. "Nothing that's worth it ever is."


	15. Bella, Chapter 8

**Finally, Bella knows the truth. This picks up after Edward drops her off at home, when their time in the café has drawn to a close.**

**Bella, Chapter 8**

I may never have been this tired in my entire life. Emotionally, I was as wiped out as any human could be. _Human_...ironic to choose that term now, considering I'd just spent the better part of the day with someone who, I finally knew for sure, was not.

At last, I had the explanation I'd pushed so hard to get. Since I'd felt for awhile that something about Edward was other-worldly, I wasn't surprised when he confirmed it. But accepting it and comprehending what it meant was much, much more difficult.

We weren't just different genders and personalities, we were different creatures. Separate species. Dissimilar beings. One of us is not dead, one of us is undead.

That wasn't all, though, oh no. He wanted my blood in an instinctive, primitive way. Me: flesh and blood. Him: I'll take the blood, hold the flesh.

And I thought my previous relationships were challenging.

As a kid, I'd read about vampires, and I remember the stories as a mixed bag of various canon. Those leisurely strolls through written fantasy are barely helpful now; since the myth had come alive for me, I was only starting to figure out what was accurate and what was truly fiction. I kept coming back to the same questions: "What does this mean for me? For us? Or even for him?" However long it took to find those answers, I knew this much right now: I wanted to be with Edward no matter what he is. I hoped I'd made that clear to him.

I finally met a man who had amazing qualities like compassion, intelligence and humor – things you don't find every day in anyone -- and he wasn't human. Upon further reflection, I shouldn't _really_ be surprised at that, I thought sarcastically.

Faith clamored for attention and I scratched her head absent-mindedly before walking to the bathroom, peeling off my biking clothes. The only thing that might help was a bath; it wouldn't solve everything, but it could help me sleep.

The hot water felt heavenly. I climbed in and slid down until I was submerged to my shoulders. Did vampires need to bathe? I suppose they got some dirt and grime on them just from walking around, or whatever they did to occupy their time. Maybe they didn't care about personal hygiene, although Edward certainly smelled wonderful. If he did bathe, I had to ask him what soap he used.

I shook my head and laughed at the absurdity of it all. I liked a guy who was a vampire. He lived with a family of vampires, headed by a foster father who was a doctor and a vampire, too. With a start, I wondered how Dr. Cullen was able to work so successfully at his profession. He was around blood all the time, but as far as I knew, he'd never taken advantage of a bleeding patient. How did he resist? I had to ask Edward that as well.

I soaked in the bath, wishing I could rejuvenate my mind as easily as my body. Faith put her paws up on the tub and seemed interested in the water until she realized it was wet. I watched her dash out the door, no doubt to find someplace for her 10th or 12th nap of the day. I wanted her life, if only for a weekend.

Edward did indeed have a secret he needed to keep hidden from everyone, but he'd risked exposure a few times for me. Aside from that, he'd tried, in very human ways, to connect with me on some level other than wanting my blood. Getting to know him was an exercise in emotional whiplash: I like you, but I like your blood too much; I want to be with you, but it's dangerous for you to be with me.

The truth was, I was less frightened of Edward's admission that he wanted to kill me than I was of my own tendency to wallow in impossible situations. In past relationships, I'd fight against all kind of odds to keep things going when it was clearly useless. I'd done everything that a girl shouldn't do, like try to make myself into someone or something else, or put up with crap that no one should have to endure. Was my attraction to Edward just an extension of that?

Instinct told me that Edward was different, though, and not just because he wasn't human. There was something there instead of ego and selfishness, which I'd had enough of. Edward possessed an uncommon depth, a perceptiveness within his character that brought him way beyond the superficiality that was so commonplace. It was apparent that he'd suffered loss, and a great deal more, in his entire lifetime. Surely this made him more empathic, more able to understand the human condition even though he wasn't human anymore.

Already, I could see that I had to guard against trying to "save" him. That's another trap I fall into, and I wanted to avoid it. If he'd been immortal for however many years of his existence, he probably didn't want that anyway. I should keep my rescuing skills for other beings, like cats.

Why didn't he have a wife or girlfriend? (Should I be so certain that he didn't?) He'd told me that his parents and his brother were married, and that his sister Alice had a partner. So it seemed that in the vampire world, couplings were permitted. Wouldn't it be easier for him to have someone of his own kind? Why would he bother with a human like me? Was he confusing his desire for my blood with a romantic attraction? I hoped I'd figure that last one out before it was too late.

I climbed out of the tub and got into my pajamas. I'd resolved one matter: I would attend mass in the morning. I knew intuitively that time inside a contemplative, sacred space would soothe my emotional havoc. There was an Episcopal church in Forks with a service that didn't begin too early on Sunday. (One qualification of my admittedly avant-garde belief system: I cannot properly worship before 10 a.m., so I won't attend anything that starts until at least that hour.) When I suspected that Edward was a vampire, I began thinking of how that squared with my spirituality. It didn't threaten my belief in God or serve to deny His or Her existence. I've always felt that anyone who believes in a deity of love and power has to acknowledge the presence of another force that is evil and equally powerful. I was taught as a child to not even believe in the supernatural. Acknowledging the existence of those beings allegedly makes you vulnerable to their seduction. You're not supposed to want something that isn't good.

But Edward _is _good; he's clearly very different than any descriptions of his kind. He and his family defy their nature every day to keep from killing people. They did not seek the ability to live forever; immortality was forced upon them. Does that count for nothing?

Obviously, I can't discuss these issues with a priest. Episcopalians may be extraordinarily open-minded but they'd call the authorities if I explained the situation and asked for their help in dealing with it. And God knows – no pun intended – I'd often wondered myself lately if I was going insane. Is all this real? It seems so. But how do I know for sure?

That Sunday morning, I took a seat at the back of the church. It was a challenge for me to remain focused. This was not the fault of the service; the familiar antiphons were comforting and provided some of the normalcy I'd been seriously lacking these last weeks. My mind kept drifting, though, and to pull it back, I'd try to apply what was being said during the mass to my situation with Edward. I wasn't having much luck until an acolyte started reading from Romans:

"So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death?...So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin."

It seemed to me that as far as ancient scriptures go, this was a pretty good description of the inner turmoil he dealt with all the time. He was constantly fighting the "sin" of his instincts while struggling as hard as he could to be the good man I saw so many times – the "inner being who delights in God's law." Conforming to that law meant he had to deny his natural impulses so he could spare my life, as well as others.

The second reading was from Paul's letter to the Corinthians:

"If anyone has caused grief...you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow. I urge you, therefore, to reaffirm your love for him... If you forgive anyone, I also forgive him. And what I have forgiven—if there was anything to forgive—I have forgiven in the sight of Christ for your sake, in order that Satan might not outwit us..."

_Evil shall not outwit us,_ I mused. Forgiveness brings redemption and the ability to move on. It isn't just, "go and sin no more." (Or in our case, "go and be a vampire but be a good one" and "go and forgive whatever will be, because he's already loaded enough guilt and punishment upon himself and if you can't live with what it all means, you have no business entering into this.") I felt more composed just hearing, "you ought to forgive and comfort him, so that he will not be overwhelmed by excessive sorrow." I'd seen the burden of sorrow that Edward carried from something that happened to him a century ago, which he did not ask for and certainly does not want. In the final moments of the mass, I asked for the wisdom to know how to help him if I could, and the grace to hold back if I couldn't. It was a bit like my own personal version of the Serenity Prayer.

The priest was a lovely woman in her late 30s, and when the service was over, she shook everyone's hand. She looked at me quizzically, obviously noticing that I was a visitor. I took her hand, introduced myself as Bella and thanked her for the mass. I left promptly before anyone had the chance to ask if I wanted to join the parish, and because I could no longer fight the tears.

I got in my car and put the keys in the ignition but held off on starting the engine. I thought about all that had happened to me: my difficulties with my family, my less-than-successful relationships with men, my especially rough breakup with Bill, my relocation across the country to a place where I knew no one, and now, my connection with someone who was not technically alive, yet was more of a man than any other I'd known.

Most of the people who attended the service had left, so I was essentially alone in the parking lot. Consumed by fear, frustration and longing, I put my head against the steering wheel and cried. With no one to see me or ask what was wrong, I let the tears flow and the huge, hiccupping sobs come freely.

Selfishly, I cried first for myself, releasing the self-pity that was rapidly building. Of all the men in Washington State – of all the men in the world – I found the one who would, again, offer me the most problematic relationship. Was I a magnet for this kind of angst? Why couldn't I seem to live my life in a less complicated manner? Yeah, yeah, woe is me, I never get the good relationship karma that's sprinkled so freely over everyone else. Enough.

Once I got past that, I cried for Edward. The more I came to know him, the more I saw how much my life was, in fact, blessed compared to his. Rather than feel guilty for my own fortune, I appreciated his efforts to lead a non-violent, normal life in what was truly an abnormal existence. It seemed clear that he wanted a regular, loving relationship with someone, and without a doubt, he deserved that. I recognized again, with deep approbation, the risks he'd taken to be honest with me. Most guys only dread rejection based on personality, appearance, or even more petty things. Edward had to worry about revealing the very essence of his being, out of fear for his own safety and that of his family. That was a heavy layer indeed to place on top of the usual fear of being spurned.

I wanted to vow that this was the last time I'd cry over this, but that was probably pointless. Instead, I promised to be strong, try to keep my head on straight, and not make any judgment without solid information. If I demanded that he listen to me and what I wanted, I had to listen to him, too, and take him seriously when he cautioned me on the inherent dangers of life with a vampire. Plus, I'd have to acknowledge what he already knew: there were a lot of things I wouldn't have if we were together. I had to really _see_ those, instead of focusing only on the things I'd gain. I needed to do that for myself and for Edward.

The rest of my day was spent at home, trying to relax and be good to myself. I read a few Sunday papers and a book, then started on a pot of marinara sauce. Cooking usually helps me stay calm and focused; it keeps me busy without tiring me out.

I was washing dishes when I glanced out the window, enjoying the view of the trees and the reddening horizon of twilight. An unusual shape caught my eye. It was mostly gray, and way too large to be in a tree. I saw at once that it was Edward.

Bolting through my back door, I called out to him quietly through gritted teeth. Was he _spying_ on me? Why? A dark doubt unfolded in the back of my mind: was he planning some sort of sneak attack? Once I saw the sheepish look on his face, however, I knew he wasn't up to anything deadly. The spying part was probably accurate, though. I'd just busted him.

And apparently, this was something he'd been doing for awhile. He admitted to me that he'd been coming into my apartment nearly every night for the past few months.

_Nearly every night?_ Without my permission, without my even knowing about it? What could possibly make him think that would be okay? For the second time since I first encountered Edward, I was afraid of him. Here I was, trying to accept his primal instinct to kill me for my blood, and he's been stalking me.

Annoyed, I inquired as to why he didn't just call me or otherwise ask if he could come over. He was shocked that I would offer that; I was shocked when he said he'd never considered those conventional methods because he thought I hated him. I softened more when he explained that his unusual appearance, his cold skin, and his anger the first time we met made him certain I could feel nothing but repugnance for him. He never considered the possibility that he hadn't alienated me.

We talked more about the hazards of being together. He stressed over and over again that he remained dangerous to me, more so because my blood had a particular attraction for him, and I could see in his eyes, and even the way he held himself, how much he hated having to say it. From what I knew of Edward, he would never be so irresponsible as to fail to warn me, repeatedly, of what his presence could mean for me.

I knew he was doing the right thing in telling me all this. And I knew I had just promised myself I would give a fair hearing to all his concerns. All the same, I was devastated by his words. I heard only the bad and skimmed past the good: when he talked about how many of my qualities he saw, and made it clear that he cared for me. Occasionally, he looked at me like he was ready to forget every problem or negativity, only to resume his litany of cautions. I felt as if something was pulling on my limbs, dragging me down and tearing at the hope that if he'd come here at all, there must be something we could build on.

He seemed overwhelmed at my sadness, and before I had the chance to comprehend what was happening, he gently put his hand to my cheek. The hard chill of his skin barely registered; I couldn't think of anything but the loving tenor of his touch as he cradled my face. For once, he had reached for me first, and it was natural, good, comforting. I kept my eyes closed, feeling immediately calmer, and I stopped crying.

Edward left shortly after that, firmly reminding me that it was late and I had to work the next day. He started to say something at the same moment I asked him if he would return tomorrow when I came home from the hospital. With a smile, he said, "I was just asking you if I could come back after work on Monday."

"I'd like that. I have so many questions." I sighed, my voice still a little shaky from crying. "Also, I like your company. Faith, not so much, but she'll get used to you." I returned his smile.

Edward's grin grew broader. "I'm glad she'll have the opportunity." He walked out the door and disappeared into the night.

I washed the dishes and floated off to sleep, falling into a deeper, more peaceful slumber than I'd had in weeks.

When my alarm went off the next morning, I groaned out of habit and – as had also become routine these past several days – wondered if the previous night really happened or I'd dreamed it. I ambled into the kitchen to start the coffee and glanced outside. The deck chairs were still scattered haphazardly; I'd shoved them out of the way when I darted outside to look for Edward after I spotted him in the trees. I suppose that was as good a confirmation as any, since Edward was practiced at leaving no trace of his presence. He'd been here for many nights, he'd said, and scrupulously left everything exactly as I'd placed it in my apartment. I wondered how long he stayed here at night. Maybe he did sleep during the day; it could be that he was nocturnal because he worked overnight. I'd have to ask him about that, too.

Traffic was light and it wasn't raining, so I arrived at work a little early. I punched in the access digits for the pharmacy door and waited in vain for the buzzer to sound. It was Monday, which meant the code had changed. On Friday, they give us new numbers to use the following week; it was frequently switched for security purposes. For the first time, I'd completely forgotten that.

I winked at Rick and gave him a big smile, then turned down the wattage as I said good morning to Janice. She nodded her head and murmured something in return. Things hadn't improved much with her, but it bothered me less and less. Rick was right: Janice simply disliked change, and almost all of her problems with people derive from that. She and I spent the morning in our usual silence, save for whatever communication was absolutely necessary on work matters. There were other things I preferred to dwell on, anyway.

"Hey Bella?"

I was thinking about what Edward and I would do that evening – probably talk more. Even though he didn't eat, we could have plenty of conversation while I made dinner for myself, as we did last night.

"Bella?"

Would he use the door today, or drop out of the trees again? He'd have to be careful not to scare Mrs. Farrelly, although he was usually good at camouflaging himself.

"_Bella!"_

It was Rick, trying to get my attention. He'd waited until Janice went to lunch to say that I'd neglected to initial some prescriptions I'd filled.

"Whoa. Jeez, I'm so sorry," I mumbled in embarrassment.

He looked at me, confused. "Are you okay? This is definitely not like you."

I smiled earnestly for Rick's benefit. "Yes, I guess I'm tired."

Mollified, he nodded his head. "Okay. Just checking. Here, you also have to sign off on this Cipro 'script for the medical unit."

Every so often, I glanced at Edward's desk. For most of my time here, it had been a hurtful reminder of our tenuous connection. That used to bother me far more than the problems I'd had with Janice. Now, I could look at it and not dread the next time I'd see him, or even wonder when that would be. Simply eliminating the uncertainty lifted an enormous weight off of me. Even if I didn't know what would happen in the long run, I had a better grasp of the present. Studying the small amount of belongings on his spare desktop was almost comforting instead of frustrating.

The last hour of work on Monday was torture. After I had filled my final prescription, given a verbal report to the evening shift and filed away some paperwork, I raced out at 4 p.m. I arrived home at 4:15, hung up my coat and quickly changed my clothes. _Calm down. _I pulled a thawed chicken breast out of the refrigerator and prepared herbs and olive oil for baking it. The chicken shot out of my hand like a rocket when I smoothed the mixture over it. _Calm DOWN._

Promptly at 4:30, I heard a soft knock. I opened the upstairs door and there was Edward, nervously watching me from under those long eyelashes. Ridiculous, that this striking man had come to my home to spend time with me. I giggled in delight and I could see him relax, his shoulders settling softly. In a few seconds, his smile matched my own.

"Well, hi. You've chosen a more conventional arrival today," I said teasingly.

Edward gave a formal nod and said, "I thought it best not to frighten the neighbors. Or you."

"Very considerate. May I take your jacket?" He handed me the grey pea coat he'd also been wearing last night, and I walked into my bedroom to lay it on the bed, inhaling heavily all the way. God, he smelled so good.

He was sitting at the table, and I'd swear I saw his face brighten when I returned to the kitchen. "Am I interrupting your dinner again?" he asked solicitously.

"It's really not a problem. I hope you don't mind if I work on preparing it. I thought we could talk here at the same time," I replied.

"That sounds fine," Edward said softly, smiling again. My knees may have become a little weak at this point.

He asked about work, and I told him of the assignments that came in during the typically busy Monday, omitting any description of my forgetfulness. I returned to the stove to check on the food, and Edward walked into my living room to look closely at a rendered photo I had of my grandparents.

"Are these relatives of yours?" he asked curiously.

"Yes, they're my father's parents. It was taken right when they were married, in the mid-1930s."

"I thought so," he mused. "You take after your grandmother a great deal – physically, at least."

I chuckled. "I've heard that a lot. I don't mind at all, though. I hope I take after her in other ways, too. She's a real sweetheart, very loving and caring."

Edward turned to me and smiled. "That sounds like you." I blushed and struggled to get that under control, not wanting to make him uncomfortable.

He came back to the table as I took my dinner plate and sat down. "I know you said you have a lot of questions, but I should warn you, I have a fair number of things I'd like to know about you too," he said in a mock menacing tone.

"Oh, I think you already know the important stuff," I said.

Eyebrows raised, he asked, "Such as?"

"I like cats, I ride a bike and hang around in cemeteries, and I have a knack for ticking off spinster coworkers," I said.

He nodded circumspectly. "Don't forget your cozy relationship with inanimate objects."

I brought the fork near my mouth and held it there, regarding him coolly. "So that's how it is, huh? No mention of my cooking abilities? You go straight for the klutziness."

Edward laughed. It was a wonderful sound. I loved how light he seemed once he came into my drab little apartment.

"I regret very much that I can't speak of your culinary talent through experience. Your clumsiness is another matter."

"Point taken," I replied. I finished my dinner and moved to the sink to take care of the dishes. Edward rose and looked around.

"Do you have a dish towel somewhere?"

"Over there," I said, pointing to the counter opposite the stove. I wondered briefly if he'd spilled something, maybe at vampire speed so I didn't notice. Instead, he came and stood next to me, waiting to dry off the dishes.

I laughed nervously. "You really don't have to do that."

"I know. I'd like to give you a hand with these."

I would never turn down an offer to assist with housework, especially if it came from a man. "Okay."

His eyes widened. "Are you actually accepting my help without fighting me? Exactly what did you eat tonight?"

"Smart aleck," I grumbled.

We did the dishes in silence for a moment or two, and I braced myself for a barrage of questions. I'd already tried to come up with responses for some of the things I was certain he'd ask, like why I was bawling in a church parking lot on Sunday morning. Instead, he started with basic geography.

"Tell me about New Jersey," he said as he rubbed the dinner plate dry.

I frowned in concentration, as if I was about to explain the weightiest secret in history. "It's not as bad as you think. In fact, that should be the state motto. What else would you like to know?'"

"Where did you grow up? Please describe it to me."

So I began tell him about the small city where I'd spent my childhood. The houses were not large, and they were very close together. There was a lot of love and fun all around us; my best friends were several blocks away, or at most, a bike ride to another part of town. It wasn't a wealthy area by any means. Most of the other families were solid working class, like mine. I attended the local public high school, although my parents sent me and my siblings to a Catholic grammar school.

"That explains your sense of responsibility and your questioning nature in equal measure," Edward said thoughtfully. His face held that particular look of satisfaction I'd seen when he'd figured something out about me.

The dishes were put away, and I hung the towels up to dry. "I don't know if you could say I was a daydreamer, but I was usually off in some other world. The classes that were hardest for me are those where I had to learn a lot of facts and memorization, like history. I did well in math, though, and the sciences. I think that's because I looked at science as something that wasn't static. You learn some of the principles, but you apply them to problems to figure things out. They are all a means to an end, and to understand."

Edward nodded. "So you were attracted to the sciences for its possibilities."

I thought for a moment. "That sounds right. I didn't want to go into research, though, and I knew I wouldn't be a good nurse or doctor, so I settled on studying pharmacy."

"Why did you think you couldn't be a doctor or nurse?"

With a small smile, I said, "I'm pretty squeamish. I get a little queasy at the sight of blood, my own or anyone else's." I sighed. "I know, I'm like Captain Irony or something."

Edward was already laughing. "No, that's perfect. It's exactly in line with everything else about you." He resumed asking about my home, my interests as a child, my schooling and my friends.

I tried to describe why I didn't have a large group of friends but rather, a small number of them that I held on to over the years. There have been a couple of people from high school who I am in touch with periodically, but the friends I'm closest to are those from my college years.

"I think I found people who saw at least some of my qualities and stuck with me because of that. As the saying goes, they know me and they love me anyway," I added.

He looked at me in surprise. "Really? I don't see many quirks. Well," he amended, "aside from the clumsiness and the attraction to cemeteries and other undead things." Edward smiled slyly. I was glad that he could joke about that; it made it easier on both of us.

"I'm an introvert, and it's pretty hard for me to extend myself to people. I still wonder how I actually wound up moving so far away from New Jersey. The whole experience has been way out of my comfort zone," I mused.

Edward seemed as if he was going to pursue that point, but chose another topic. He asked questions about my siblings, where we'd vacationed when I was a kid, and even when I'd obtained my driver's license.

The novelty of all this wore off after a few hours. "When is it my turn to ask you questions?" I complained.

"Maybe tomorrow," he replied. We were again sitting in my living room; I held a hot mug of tea over my lap.

"_Maybe_ tomorrow?" I said in disbelief.

"Oh, I'm nowhere near finished."

I made a face. "I hate being the center of attention."

"The chances of that happening are pretty good when there's only one other person with you."

I laughed. "I'm getting tired of talking."

Smiling indulgently, he said, "It is getting late. Okay, you can take one turn."

"You don't seem very bothered by the cold. Is that typical for you?" I tried to phrase my question so I didn't sound ignorant or insulting.

"No, temperature doesn't affect us much. We know if it's hot or cold, of course, but we don't react to it the way you do."

I tried to imagine it. "Is it as if you're experiencing it from a distance? Or that you're aware of it, but it's not unpleasant or good in any particular way?"

He smiled. "Yes, that's an accurate way to put it.

"Rain, too? I mean, I'm sure you feel it, but do you feel uncomfortable if you get completely soaked?"

"Only in the sense that wet clothes are an inconvenience, a bit of a drag on us. We don't get chilled the way humans do."

"Huh. Well, that's an advantage when you're living in Forks."

"It's why we came here," he added.

"For the rain?"

"For the nearly constant overcast skies."

I thought about the vampire lore I'd known my whole life. "You can't go out in the sun?"

"No, we can't."

I cleared my throat, a little nervously. "From what I understand, sunlight is fatal to immortals."

He laughed. "That's not exactly true. It's more that going out in the sun would reveal us for what we are. I promise I'll show you when the weather gives us the chance."

I couldn't remember the last time I'd actually seen the sun for any length of time here, but the thought of going out in warm sunlight with Edward was very appealing, no matter when that happened. "I guess we'd have to make sure no one else is around, then," I said.

"Right. There's a place I often go to when the weather is good. I'll take you there," he promised, before noting the time. "I should probably go. It's really getting late, and I know you have to work tomorrow."

"Can I ask about something else? Just one, please?" I pleaded with him.

His gaze grew tender and he said, sighing, "Go ahead, then."

That worked out well. I should have pleaded ages ago. "You said you came here almost every night. Now, we've already had our discussion about the propriety of it, so I'll skip that part. But I've been wondering..." I leaned forward earnestly. "What did you _do_ here? Did you stay all night? When did you sleep? Did you fall asleep here?"

"That's four questions," he pointed out.

"Now stop that. Take them in order, as you did last night," I instructed him.

"As you wish. I sat in your room with you and watched you sleep."

I blinked in disbelief. "Really? That's boring."

He laughed. "Not at all, not to me."

"Why?"

"That's another question. No freebies."

I made a face at him. "Well, continue then."

"I usually stayed until it got close to the time when you had to wake up. On weekends I stayed a little longer, having seen very early on that you like to sleep in on Saturday and Sunday," Edward said, smiling.

"I can take your last two questions at once," he added. "I didn't sleep while I was here because I don't sleep."

Shocked speechless, I stared at him. "Ever? At all?" I finally said. He opened his mouth to reply and I said, "Yes, I know that's two more questions. Please."

Affectionately, he grinned again and said, "No, I don't sleep. Ever, or at all, during the day or night. None of us do."

I glanced down into my mug, not sure of what to say next. "No wonder you do so well on the night shift." I looked up at him again. "And no wonder you seemed so uncomfortable when I asked you about it when we were at work together, all those weeks ago."

Edward nodded. "I really didn't want to get into it right there. Now you know why."

There was something eminently gratifying about having these missing pieces come together. "I'm sorry if I put you on the spot," I said slowly, taking a drink of tea.

"It's okay. You didn't know. Besides, I do get those questions periodically. I can usually extract myself from a situation if people ask too much," he assured me.

"But how can you not sleep? Don't you need the rest? How do you rejuvenate yourself?" I asked wonderingly. Edward's eyebrows raised playfully.

"Come. On. You can't just drop that major piece of information and expect to leave," I protested. "I answered a ton of your questions."

"Actually, I'm not sure I have answers for you. We never get tired. The lack of sleep doesn't affect our strength, speed, or any of our senses. I don't know why that is. I have to assume it's related to our predatory nature. However we were created, we were given the gift – or the curse, depending on how you look at it – of having absolutely no end to our days. The sun sets and it becomes night, but it makes no difference to us," Edward responded.

My eyes widened as I thought about what he'd just told me. "Wow. What do you do with all that time?"

"There's no short answer to that, and I'm sure it relates to the other questions you want to ask me, so it will have to wait for another time," he said firmly.

"Tomorrow?" I said, a little too eagerly.

"I'd like that," he said quietly. The smile I wanted to see so much of appeared again. I didn't think I'd ever tire of it.

I stood up to get his coat, unaware at first that he was following me into my bedroom. When I turned around he was standing right in front of me, his eyes burning, an unreadable expression on his face. I drew in a lengthy breath, meeting his gaze. My fingers dug into the wool of his coat as if they were hanging on for dear life.

Slowly, hesitantly, he brought his hand up near my face. With a gentle movement, he tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear, stroking a couple of times so that it stayed in place. His palm move to my face, cradling my cheek as he'd done last night. I leaned in to it and closed my eyes. My warm skin molded to his cool touch, and I could feel my pulse race. After a minute, I shifted his jacket and covered his hand with my own.

I could have stood there all night without moving, although it lasted only a few minutes. I opened my eyes, searching his face as if I was memorizing it, to take that vision with me when I went to sleep. I wished so much that we would kiss at that moment, but I sensed it might be too much for him. Difficult as it was, I knew I had to let him take the lead on anything physical.

"Bella," he said, his voice low and strained.

"Is this okay?" I murmured.

"Yes...no." He turned away from me, moving as if to leave. "I want more," he said plaintively. "I'm just not sure..."

"Then we'll wait until you are." I knew exactly how he felt. I wanted to let him set the pace. And in an odd way, it suited me and my lack of confidence. If I didn't have to initiate much, I would worry less about him rejecting me.

We walked to the door and he turned to say goodbye. I grabbed his hand and squeezed it, wanting to touch him one more time. It seemed as if this would be alright for him, since we'd done that before.

He lifted my hand and kissed it.

I was so shocked my mouth fell open. Edward froze for a second, as if he'd done something inappropriate. I managed a weak smile and said, "That was really nice. Thank you."

He smiled in relief and said softly, "Goodnight, Bella. I'll see you tomorrow."

And then he was gone, like a good dream you'd want to have linger long past the sound of the alarm clock.

Tuesday and Wednesday followed in the exact same way: I went to work, got through each day by forcing myself to pay extra attention to everything I had to do, and became progressively more fidgety as the hours wore on. When I arrived home, I quickly changed and started to prepare dinner before Edward arrived promptly at 4:30.

"What does your family think of all this?" I asked curiously on Tuesday. Despite his warning that he had a lot to ask me, he let me slip in my own questions here and there.

"They have varying opinions on it," he said warily.

"Not everyone approves, then," I surmised.

His face hardened briefly. "They don't have to."

"Yes, but they must have some concerns, similar to the ones you've expressed time and again." We were in the kitchen, and I looked at him intently while stroganoff heated on the stove.

Rather than respond directly to that, Edward said, "I'd like to bring you to my house to meet them."

I almost dropped the plate I was carrying. "Really? To meet your family?"

He smiled mischievously. "Worried?"

"Well, yeah. What if they don't like me?"

Edward shook his head in disbelief. "That's really your first concern: that they won't like you?"

"If it put me in any danger, you wouldn't offer to bring me there," I said with certainty.

He looked pensive, but it disappeared in a second. "I'm old fashioned enough to want to bring home the woman with whom I've been spending my recent evenings. How about Saturday? I have to work overnight, but there'll be plenty of time before that."

"Sure," I said without hesitating. That gave me the rest of the week to worry myself into knots about what to wear, what to say, and so on and so forth. "Can I bring anything?"

Edward stared at me, amused. "Like what?"

I walked to the table with my dinner. "I don't know! I was hoping you'd have some suggestions."

He laughed. "Just you. You are enough." Still smiling, his eyelids closed slightly, intensifying his stare.

I couldn't answer right away. There had been a lot of these little moments in the past couple of days, and I was learning to take it slow and enjoy them. We sat in comfortable silence for a minute, until I remembered I had a dinner to eat.

In spite of my distaste for talking about myself, I really enjoyed the time with Edward. He was simply a great companion, and wonder of wonders, he listened very carefully to everything I said. Whenever he didn't understand something, he questioned me further, though never in a challenging way. I got the sense he was trying to understand me and learn more about me.

I was happily thinking that we'd just made plans to be together on the weekend when I realized that tomorrow was Thursday, and I had my tutoring session. "Oh, I almost forgot to tell you about tomorrow night. Have I mentioned that I tutor in a literacy program? I have to meet with my student in the evening."

Edward looked impressed. "No, I didn't realize you did. That's really wonderful. Where do you meet?"

"In La Push, on the Indian reservation. I work with Rick's fiancee at the rec center there."

He widened his eyes briefly before composing his expression. "I see. What time is your session?"

"It's 7:30, but I usually leave home around 7. Most of the time, I'm back by 9. Is something wrong?" I asked.

"No, no," he said, trying to dismiss my concerns. "Would it be too late if I stopped by when you arrived home, even for an hour or so?

"Not at all; I'd like that." I didn't think I'd ever get over the look of contentment – no, the look of _happiness_ – that appeared on Edward's face whenever I said I wanted to see him. I didn't think his feelings ran as deeply as mine, but it was good to know something really was there on his part.

My weekly sessions with Wendell were going very well; he was progressing rapidly thanks to his hard work and conscientiousness. Wendell always did his homework, always came prepared to our lesson. I really couldn't ask for a better student.

Ellen was teaching a student of her own before Wendell arrived, so I had to wait until we were finished to talk to her. I anticipated seeing her as much as I loved the lesson itself. "Hey Ellen! How've you been?"

She dashed over to give me a hug. "Hey, Bella! I'm doin' fine; how are you?"

We talked for a bit before I remembered that I'd asked her to listen for any word about Jacob.

"I haven't seen or heard from him in a couple of weeks," she said, shaking her head. "I also haven't heard of any problems at home, or anything like that. So that's good, I guess. He might just be busy with work and school."

"I hope so." I frowned. Maybe I should stop at the store again to see him. Not tonight, though.

"I'd love to stay and talk some more, but I've got to head out now," I said, glancing at my watch.

"Got a hot date?" she asked teasingly.

I stood still where I was for a second, realizing that my usual reply of "Yeah, _right_" wasn't exactly true here. Ellen did a double-take when she saw me, and said, "Holy moly, you do!" She ran back over to me eagerly. "Spill, girl. NOW."

"Uh...well, I'm not really sure..." I stammered. Ellen glared at me impatiently. and spread her hands out in a "what are you waiting for?" gesture.

"I guess...I think I'm seeing someone," I said slowly.

She nodded her head. "Now we're making progress. _Who?"_

Was it okay to talk about this? Edward and I had discussed a few possibilities to get out of my apartment, like going to movies or museums, weather permitting. I suppose there wouldn't be a problem if we went public.

"Edward Cullen." I waited for her reaction.

Her eyes grew large with surprise. "Really?"

"Yeah, really. I think. It's pretty early." Suddenly, I became extremely nervous that I was either jinxing this, or worse, somehow causing trouble for Edward. "But look, I haven't said anything to anyone. Not even to Rick. It's so recent, I guess I don't want to say anything out of turn." I looked at her significantly.

"Okay, I get it. Rick likes him, though," she said, as if that was enough for her.

"Do you know him?"

"No, I've only met his dad. I've seen Edward, though. He. Is. Gorgeous," she said, eyebrows raised.

I laughed. "Oh, yeah, but more important – no, seriously..." I said, seeing the look on her face. "He's a really good guy," I said quietly.

"He'd better be, if he's dating you," she said severely. "If he doesn't treat you as well as you deserve, I'll get this whole tribe after him."

I wasn't sure if she knew the implications of those words. "That's kind of a...well, you know, some of the Quileutes aren't very fond of the Cullens." I dropped my voice to a whisper. "So, I guess that's why I've not exactly been broadcasting it. Not that I believe the stories," I added hastily. "I just don't want any trouble, I guess."

She nodded her head. "Got it. Do you think you'll tell Rick, though?" I was relieved she'd leave that up to me.

"Yes, but not right away. Let's see how things go."

"Sure. Your call." Her face brightened. "Hey, maybe some time the four of us could go out together."

I grinned at her enthusiasm. "Ellen, that would be absolutely great."

I arrived home around five minutes after 9 to see Edward's Volvo in front of the house. By the time I'd backed my car into the driveway to its usual parking spot, he was standing next to the driver's side door.

"Hi. I hope you haven't been waiting long," I said apologetically.

"Not at all. I got here right at 9," he said, smiling. I thought I detected relief in tone, and in his expression. "How did your lesson go?"

"Very well," I said, fishing around the bottom of my purse to find my keys. "I have an excellent student. He's very motivated, and that makes my work a thousand times easier."

We arrived upstairs and I left my purse and teaching materials on a kitchen chair. It was becoming a habit for me to take his coat, and for him to follow me in the bedroom at the end of each night when I went to retrieve it. Last evening, he'd cradled my entire face in both hands for several minutes, and we'd stood there quietly looking at each other. Each second we had together every night was stored securely in my mind so I could recall any of them with complete clarity, whenever I wanted. The moments in my room were by far the sweetest, and the ones I relived the most.

We sat in the living room, after Edward made sure that I didn't need to make myself something to eat. I thought it a bit odd that he would pay such close attention to something he didn't even need to do for himself, but at the same time, he seemed to be asking out of consideration, so I didn't remark on that.

"What made you decide to become involved in tutoring?"

"I worked with the Literacy Volunteers of America when I lived in New Jersey. I love to read, and I can't stand the thought of someone else being deprived of it, frankly," I said. Edward tilted his head and smiled gently, as if he was appreciating what I said.

"Why the reservation?"

"When I met Rick on my first day at work, he mentioned that Ellen headed the program in La Push," I explained. "I didn't really care where the lessons were, and if they needed someone there, I was ready. It's worked out well," I noted.

Edward didn't say anything, so I pushed the subject a little. "You seem curious about this…almost anxious, really," I observed.

He glanced at me sideways, those disconcerting golden eyes looking as if I'd caught him at something. "You remember the Quileute legends we discussed in the Forks Café?"

"Sure." I shivered, thinking back on the events of that afternoon.

"The wolf that confronted us that day in the cemetery is from the Quileute tribe. I'm a little concerned about you going to La Push with young werewolves running around."

I had a blanket over my lap and I played with the fringe, frowning at his words. "If a wolf didn't attack me then, why would one come after me at the rez when I'm with people from the tribe?"

"Werewolves are very unpredictable, and extremely violent," Edward replied gravely. "They've been known to charge with very little provocation, especially if they're inexperienced."

"Why would they attack, though? I'd certainly never give them a reason to…_oh_. Do you think they would come after me because of you?" I asked.

He shrugged. "Werewolves and vampires are mortal enemies. I have no idea how they'd react if they knew I've been coming here every night this week." Edward scowled, staring at me intently. "I worry about you going there, especially because I can't go with you."

"But I know people there now. There's my student, and Ellen. And Jacob Black and his father," I added.

Edward's nostrils flared. "Yes. Jacob," he almost snarled

"What do you mean?" I asked, mystified by his tone.

"I suppose it doesn't matter if I tell you, since you know about the legend and the treaty we have with the tribe. The wolf that was in the cemetery last weekend was Jacob Black," he replied.

"That was _Jacob?_" I spluttered.

"Yes. Somehow he knew you were there, and when he saw me, he assumed I would attack you. He left when he saw you walk over to me and realized I wouldn't hurt you," Edward said.

I must have grown way too accustomed to the mythical world that existed within Forks, because my immediate reaction was not _Someone I've hung out with is a werewolf_ or even _This_ _vampire I'm seeing can hear a werewolf's thoughts_. Instead, the first thing that came to my mind was, _Great. Now someone else is stalking me._

"Jacob would never hurt me," I said firmly.

"They can't always stop themselves, Bella. They have very little restraint, especially when they've only started transforming," he replied.

"Edward, I don't think there's anything to worry about. I'm not on the reservation much at all," I said, trying to calm his fears. He really did seem uneasy.

"I'm very glad to hear you say that. I can't stand the thought of anything happening to you," he murmured.

I blushed, touched and thrilled by his concern. "Please. I'll be fine," I said brightly. Changing the subject slightly, I said, "What exactly was the wolf saying?" I couldn't bring myself to refer to the animal as _Jacob_. "You mentioned that you heard his thoughts."

Edward was unwilling to go into great detail. "He warned me to stay away from you, and thoughtfully provided several reminders that he is allowed to come here to Forks, but we are not permitted to venture onto reservation land," he said sarcastically.

I bristled inwardly. The wolf – Jacob – had no business making assumptions about me or my life. I didn't care if he wanted to protect me, he could have seriously hurt Edward. Maybe I'd have to say something to Jacob the next time I saw him, although I refrained from mentioning that right now.

Faith caught my attention; she came and sat down at the edge of the living room, right where it bordered the kitchen. I expected her to growl and hiss at Edward, but she merely regarded the both of us as we sat on the couch, staring back at her. I chuckled a little and looked at Edward, who of course knew immediately when she was there. We waited, but Faith made no sounds of protest or fear. After a few minutes she stood up and sauntered off aimlessly down the hall. I grinned and gave Edward the thumbs-up sign.

"Well, I'm glad to see you're okay. I know it's late, so I should go," he said reluctantly. The sadness on his face cleared, and he said, "May I come over again tomorrow?"

"I wish you would," I said simply.

We walked to my room, my heart a thundering drum of anticipation. I was certain Edward heard it as strongly as I felt it. My cheeks betrayed me too, the blush burning through them and spreading down my neck.

"Your coat, sir," I said, handing it over to him. Edward smiled back at me, then suddenly appeared very serious. He took my hand and I glanced up expectantly. Edward had inclined his head toward me slightly. _Was he_..._?_ I felt dizzy.

"Please hold very still," he whispered.

I nodded and then remembered that wasn't doing as he'd asked.

"Just...don't move."

I made a slightly strangled noise of assent and watched as his face moved slowly to mine. My eyes felt huge; I could tell they were open as wide as possible, and then involuntarily they closed as Edward placed his lips very gently on mine.

I inhaled sharply and tried to keep my wits about me. My hand was still in his, and I was clutching it as hard as I could hold anything. I ached to put my arms around him and kiss him back, to finally pair the physical yearning with the fierce emotions that had been building for months. I inclined my head forward just a fraction, unable to completely resist moving into his lips, and felt him draw back slightly.

I stopped then, not wanting him to pull completely away. Instead I concentrated on the cool sensation of his mouth and the smoothness of his lips flush against my own. The chill of his skin did nothing to discourage the heat between us. Warmth spread throughout my body; some of it was arousal, but some of it was a purely joyous reaction to this new connection. I sighed and heard a slight moan that I was pretty sure came from Edward. I began edging my way closer to him again when I could feel him shut down, and he drew back.

I opened my eyes and saw the look of triumph on his face. My own restraint took every fragment of willpower I could muster, so I could only imagine how difficult it was for him. He had even more to fight against.

"That was lovely," I whispered. I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to say, or if there was anything I should say. Some instinct told me to acknowledge what I felt, out loud, and those words seemed the least complicated way to express it.

He nodded. "Yes, it was. I've been missing that in my life. I've been missing _you_ in my life," he whispered back.

"I'm so glad I moved here," I said.

"I think, for about the hundredth time, I am too," he said.

I was still gripping his hand and I suddenly dropped it. He quickly glanced at me, a puzzled look on his face.

"I thought maybe I was crushing your bones," I mumbled awkwardly.

Edward smiled sadly. "You couldn't. If anything, I have to worry about that with you." He leaned over again and placed another gentle kiss on my cheek, lingering there for just a moment.

We said our goodnight and I closed the door quietly, wishing I could condense tomorrow's working hours into about five minutes so the day would end soon and I could come right home to be with Edward. There seemed to be a pretty substantial supernatural population in the Forks region; I wondered if I could find a time traveler and take lessons.

He was helping me dry my dinner dishes again on Friday evening when he said, "Are you still willing to come to my house tomorrow?"

I gulped. "Of course."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes. I'm just nervous."

He looked hopeful. "Are you finally frightened?"

"I'm only scared they won't like me."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I can't believe you'd be worried about that. Your priorities are a little off. "

He insisted on picking me up at 6 o'clock on Saturday, even though I offered to drive myself to his home. Edward seemed almost offended that I believed he would find that acceptable.

"Besides, you don't know where I live," he said, grinning. It was Saturday evening and he was driving, _fast_, south on Route 101, the Volvo's tires whispering in the light rain. I clutched the sides of the seat, a bouquet of flowers on my lap.

"You didn't have to buy those, you know, although it is a very nice gesture," he said, looking at me fondly.

"Normally, I'd bring some type of food, but I didn't have time to catch a deer or an elk or anything like that," I said.

Edward laughed. "You are funny. Emmett's going to like you."

"Emmett is the sports editor?"

"Yes. He's married to Rosalie. You've already seen Alice; her spouse, I guess you could say, is Jasper. And of course you know Carlisle. Esme will adore you," he said.

Edward sounded so cheerful – eager, even, about all these impending introductions. "I hope so," I squeaked.

He gave me a sidelong glance. "You really are concerned about that, aren't you?"

"Well, sure. This means a lot to me. I want them to like me," I said.

He took my hand gently. Everything about him was so tender when he was with me; it was difficult to imagine he had to be mindful of the brute strength that held him back. I loved that he was gradually becoming more free about touching me.

"I'm very happy you're willing to do this," he said.

We pulled off the highway on to a gravel road and drove for what seemed like miles. When the mansion came into view, the road became paved again, ending in a circular drive near the home's enormous entrance.

The house was an elegant Federal-style structure which appeared to date back to the mid-1800s. It was pale blue, with the trim and shutters painted white – an accurate color scheme for buildings from that era. An enormous, perfectly manicured green lawn surrounded the sidewalk by the main entrance. I sat there, staring, until I realized Edward was standing patiently at the car door, probably waiting for verification that I was still conscious.

"This is absolutely beautiful," I said breathlessly.

"Esme deserves a lot of the credit. She enjoys restoring older buildings, and since this is our home, she put the most of her sizeable talents into it," he said.

Waist-high bushes lined the front of the house and the rim of the sidewalk. A riot of vines with colorful flora climbed a trellis at the side of the house. I was beginning to feel that the bouquet I'd brought was superfluous, not to mention quite insignificant compared to the perfect landscaping.

Edward opened the door and smiled. "Don't be nervous," he said encouragingly.

"Sure. Hang on while I just flick my internal dimmer switch and turn that off," I said.

He chuckled. "Here, let me take your jacket." He hung it up in the hall closet and walked me to the next room.

The spacious living room was stylish but understated; what I could see of the décor thus far revealed a preference for soft, light colors. There were several sofas and upholstered chairs in muted beige, light oak tables, a white area rug over a hardwood floor, and towards the back, a black grand piano.

Edward led me through the living room and down a narrow hallway, hung with small photos and a few paintings. It was homey yet tasteful.

The delicious scent of Italian cooking grew stronger as we made our way to the kitchen. Carlisle was at the stove; I recognized him right away, of course, and smiled. A lovely woman with long light brown hair stood next to him, and Edward introduced her as his mother, Esme.

My attention immediately went to the other couple in the room. A man who appeared to be close to Edward's age was chopping vegetables on the counter, his back to me. He turned around and grinned, and to my relief, he tossed down the knife and waved hello. It wasn't that I thought he'd come charging at me with it. He was one of the brawniest men I'd ever seen in my life outside of one of those television commercials for body building, and the sight of him with a knife was alarming. Enormous muscles extended down his arms and across his chest, barely contained by the sweater he was wearing. I think he may have been as wide as he was tall.

"Bella, this is Emmett. And that's Rosalie," Edward said, gesturing to the last person in the room.

Near the refrigerator, holding a salad bowl, was a blonde woman whose beauty rivaled any model, or possibly anyone who had ever been the subject of poetry or literature. Tall, with waves of cornsilk hair cascading down her back, she was impeccably dressed to suit her perfect build. She seemed less friendly than the rest of Edward's family; she merely nodded her head and gave me a tight-lipped smile, then turned to leave the salad on the counter.

All of Edward's family shared the same golden eye color I'd regularly seen in his own gaze.

"We're making you something to eat," Esme said warmly.

"I think she's already had dinner, Mom," Edward said, sounding self conscious all of a sudden.

I frowned and turned to face him. "Noooo," I scolded him.

He looked back at me. "Didn't you eat?"

"Not really," I lied. "And if you're family's gone through the trouble of cooking something for me, I'm certainly going to enjoy it."

I'd almost forgotten about the bouquet I was holding. I walked over the Esme and handed it to her, saying, "These are for you. I hope you like them."

She looked delighted. "Bella, they're lovely! How thoughtful of you! My favorites -- roses and baby's breath. If you'll excuse me, I'll go put these in water." Her eyes met Edward's directly, and he gave her a broad grin.

Carlisle smiled kindly at me. "Edward mentioned that you like pasta, so we've made you some rotini with marinara sauce. It's nothing fancy," he said, almost apologetically.

"That sounds perfect. Simple is good. You really didn't need to go through all this trouble, though," I said.

"Believe me, we're only too happy to welcome you. We're thrilled that Edward has brought you here to meet everyone," he said.

Carlisle suggested that Edward and I sit in the dining room, and he and Esme would bring in the food when it was ready. Edward took my hand, and my heartbeat gave away my response to everyone else in the room.

The dining room was painted pale celery green; with a white chair rail circling the room at just below waist level. Off-white wallpaper featuring a pattern of small, delicate flowers covered the area below the chair rail. There was one place setting at the oak table, obviously arranged for me. I gave Edward a puzzled grin. "This is a beautiful dining room set, but I imagine it doesn't get that much use," I remarked.

"We often hold family meetings here," he explained. Rosalie came in and wordlessly set down the salad bowl, then left the room.

I looked down at my plate but raised my eyebrows. Edward shook his head. "Don't mind her, please. She normally isn't very friendly," he said, annoyance evident in his tone.

"Hi Bella!" A female voice rang out like a clear, high bell. Alice glided through the doorway, her petite frame moving gracefully. Behind her, I saw a tall, solemn young man with a thin but muscular build and blond, wavy hair. I assumed it was Jasper.

I stood up to greet them and Alice came bounding over to me, throwing her arms around me in a sweet hug. I laughed but was so surprised I forgot to hug her back.

"_Alice,"_ Edward said warningly, his voice little more than a growl. Alice released me but stayed in front of me, an impish expression on her face.

"No, it's okay. I just didn't expect that. I'm sorry." I hugged her back. "It's so nice to meet you." She giggled.

Jasper made no move toward me, merely inclining his head. "Pleased to make your acquaintance, Bella," he said. His voice sounded strained.

"I'm so glad Edward finally brought you here! I've been wanting to meet you for the longest time," Alice chirped. Her voice, though high pitched, had a lovely musical quality to it. And of course, she was also beautiful, though in a different way than Rosalie or Esme. She was like a tiny ballet dancer with a halo of spiky black hair that framed her perfect, elfin face.

Esme came into the dining room and placed the flowers, artfully arranged in a crystal vase, on the table. Carlisle followed her, carrying a tray with a plate of pasta and steamed vegetables, a small silver serving dish with grated cheese, and a bowl for the salad.

"This looks wonderful. Thank you," I said. I was feeling at a bit of a loss. For people who never cooked, they had come up with a perfect meal, if the appearance and aroma were any indication.

"You're very welcome," Esme said.

Alice pulled out a chair and sat down. Jasper remained standing behind her, keeping his distance from me. Emmett also came in and sat down at the table, although Rosalie didn't reappear.

"It's so nice that you and Edward are together now," Alice said with a sigh. "I told him long ago you're perfect for him, but Edward has to come around to things at his own speed, I guess. We've been hoping he'd find somebody for ages! Better late than never. He's usually kind of grumpy, and he's so much happier now." She tilted her head and rubbed her fingers together thoughtfully.

Carlisle sighed, and Esme looked at Alice as if she'd never seen her before. Emmett started whistling softly. I was too afraid to look at Edward, but I'd swear I could feel the heat of his aggravation from where he sat. As usual, when I was nervous, I blurted out the first joke I could come up with.

"Well, that's me – delicious _and _nutritious," I said brightly.

The room was dead silent for about a second, and I glanced at Edward, who was staring at me, his face frozen. Then Emmett's booming laugh ricocheted around the room. "Oh, yeah, Edward. You can bring her here any time," he said, still chuckling.

The tension cracked and everyone else laughed, even Edward.

***

**Don't worry, we're not leaving the Cullen house yet. The next chapter will start right where we left off here, from Edward's POV.**

**Thanks for reading! Your reviews are delicious and nutritious.**


	16. Edward, Chapter 8

**Here's another looong chapter, but I thought you all wouldn't mind because it's Edward's POV. **

**This begins right where Bella's previous chapter left off: at the Cullen home, on the evening that Edward brought her there. The next day, he takes Bella to his meadow. **

**Edward, Chapter 8**

I owed much to Alice, but she may have just wiped out my debt. Almost giddy at finally meeting Bella, she ran off at the mouth and proceeded to give very embarrassing opinions on my personal life. If these were things I wanted Bella to know, I certainly preferred to tell her myself.

Carlisle, Esme, Emmett and Jasper immediately felt uncomfortable for me; even if I hadn't possessed the ability to hear their thoughts, I would have seen it in their faces and body language. Then Bella stepped in with her own talent for humorously defusing an awkward situation. Did she just actually refer to herself as "delicious and nutritious," in a house full of vampires? Even Emmett was impressed.

Judging by the expression that flashed across her features, Bella thought again that she was too quick to speak in jest, but it was a perfect way to break the tension. Everyone was increasingly nervous from the moment they heard the Volvo turn in to our property; Alice's impromptu speech on my temperament only heightened that. Once we started laughing, it was as if that all evaporated.

The exception was Rosalie, of course, who remained convinced that any relationship between Bella and I could only end in disaster. She was barely civil to Bella. I anticipated that, but I wanted to make sure Bella didn't think it was her fault.

I knew very well how difficult it is for Bella to be the center of attention, particularly when she's in unfamiliar surroundings. She was unfailingly polite and charming, though shy. She responded especially warmly to Esme, who inquired a number of times whether Bella was enjoying the food and had enough to eat. (Esme worried earlier that she couldn't remember the normal amount of food a young woman would consume for an evening meal; she and Carlisle went overboard and cooked a whole pound of pasta.) I knew Bella had lost her own mother several years ago; something in her demeanor may have communicated that to Esme, whose substantial motherly instincts shifted into overdrive once she heard Bella scold me for declining the meal on her behalf. Esme already adored her; my mother's thoughts were overflowing with affection, and I thought Bella would find herself with another maternal figure whether or not she wanted one.

"You have a very lovely home. Edward told me you did much of the restoration design yourself," Bella said.

Esme nodded. "Thank you so much. I have put a lot into it, but it's not work -- more like a labor of love."

"When was the house built?" Bella asked.

"In 1846," Esme replied.

"It looks as if you've carefully restored it to that period. The exterior is very faithful to the Federal style of that era," Bella said,

Esme beamed, and I knew she could barely restrain herself from jumping up and hugging Bella. I glanced at my hands on the table and grinned, happier than I could have imagined to see my immortal mother and the woman I love take to each other so beautifully.

Bella asked Esme more questions about Esme's interests in historic preservation; they spoke about two other buildings in the region which Esme was restoring. One of them, a Craftsman-style building from the 1920s, was rapidly becoming her newest pride and joy. She was enchanted that Bella was genuinely fascinated with one of her own favorite pursuits, and promised to show Bella some of the plans for the structure. I was touched beyond measure when Bella's face glowed in response.

Either Jasper's Southern hospitality or his curiosity finally got the better of him; he eventually took a seat at the far end of the table. At the beginning of Bella's meal, he was prepared to use his ability to calm everyone's nerves but Bella's deft humor rendered that unnecessary, much to his surprise. He was awed by her intelligence and her apparent lack of concern over being in a house where anyone else could, at an instant, end her life. Out of all of us, Jasper was most likely to slip because he was newest to our lifestyle, so I was appreciative that he kept his distance. He was also amused by Alice's determination to befriend Bella; he wanted to see for himself why the person from her visions was so important to her.

Once Alice knew she was out of hot water, she wanted desperately to talk to Bella again but had to wait calmly -- not one of her strengths. She thrummed impatiently in her seat while Bella and Esme talked about period pieces, low-pitched roofs and exposed rafters.

"That's a nice sweater, Bella. It really complements your skin color," Alice trilled during a brief break in the conversation.

Bella looked confused for a moment and glanced down at what she was wearing. 'Oh...thank you." She blushed, and I heard a collective intake of breath from everyone in my family except Carlisle, whose willpower is legend. "I'm glad you think it looks good. I'm never completely sure if I'm buying something that works best with my height or coloring or anything like that. Anyway, like Gilda Radner said, most of my clothing choices are based on whatever doesn't itch," Bella confessed, nervous again.

With some consternation, I wondered if I should warn Bella of the peril she was innocently embracing with her comments. Saying she was ignorant of clothing style made her chum to Alice, the killer shark of couture in our family. Alice barely let me wear the same clothing twice; I knew it was only a matter of time before she would impose her makeover services on Bella.

Sure enough, Alice's face lit up like a holiday display. "Do you like to go clothes shopping?" she asked excitedly.

Bella looked uncertain while she considered the question. "Sometimes. I find it kind of frustrating, though." I exhaled loudly.

Alice looked shocked. "Frustrating! Why?"

"Well, it seems that what I like doesn't always look right on me. I guess I don't have much talent for it," Bella explained.

I knew exactly what Alice was up to, but before I could jump in and extract Bella from the situation, Emmett whistled and said, "Be careful there, Bella. Alice is always looking for another victim." Bella's face froze for a second. "Fashion victim," Emmett added hastily.

"There's nothing wrong with the way Bella dresses. I think she always looks lovely," I said, smiling at her. I gave Alice a brief but significant glance.

"Oh, but...we could..." Alice started tripping over her words in excitement. "Bella, let's go shopping! I can help you; I'm really, really good at putting together perfect outfits."

"Alice - " I warned her.

Bella interrupted me. "You do dress beautifully, Alice. And I definitely need someone who knows what they're doing."

Emmett put his head in his hands. "Now you've done it."

Alice glared at me. "See, Edward, I told you Bella and I would be great friends."

Now Bella was completely confused. "Okay, what are you all talking about?"

"For Alice, every shopping expedition is the Super Bowl," Emmett explained. "She makes it a mission to beat her personal best whenever she goes. Her trips last about as long as the game, too, and if you don't want to go and she thinks you need new clothes -- which she thinks all the time -- she'll get all Refrigerator Perry on you."

Bella shrugged. "I'd love it." She regarded Alice intently. "You wouldn't make me into someone I'm not, would you?"

We all burst out laughing. Bella looked embarrassed; she meant it as a serious question.

"Alice's idea of what you should look like can differ radically with your idea of what you should look like. Keep that in mind before you accept her invitation," I warned her.

"Oh, don't listen to them," Alice snorted, pushing away at me with her hand. "Before you leave tonight, we'll plan a shopping trip together."

"Sure," Bella replied. Her gaze shifted to Carlisle, who was listening to this entire conversation with great amusement. "Will you be here when we return from the mall, or wherever? Apparently your services may be needed."

Carlisle chuckled. "It would be the first time I treated someone for shopping exhaustion, but it wouldn't surprise me if I had to."

Bella looked curious. "How long have you been practicing medicine, Carlisle?"

"Nearly 300 years," he answered calmly.

Her jaw dropped slightly; I thought she might finally be overcome with shock. Instead, she stretched her arm out and put her hand on Carlisle's forearm. "You must have seen so much in all that time!" The shock came when she realized that she'd touched him without thinking. Self-consciously, she quickly drew back her hand, exactly as she had that night in my car when I helped her rescue the cat.

Carlisle wasn't bothered in the least by her touch; in fact, he reached back to grasp her hand briefly, to set her at ease. "Yes, I have. One of the gratifying things of my very long life has been the chance to see incredible medical advancements. I've gone from treating illnesses which were believed to come from 'humours' to the beginnings of surgery on humans, and on to nearly all of the technology that's been invented in the last 100 years or so."

Bella was amazed. "You've really been there for every major event in medical history. What do you think has been the most important?"

"Conventional wisdom says the discovery of antibiotics, but I'm inclined to think that developments in imaging are equally important. Ever since the Curies laid the foundation for x-rays, we've had more and more reliable ways of determining a person's true ailment without having to cut into him or her. It's enabled us to provide such better, targeted treatment," he explained.

Nodding her head thoughtfully, Bella agreed. "I'd never thought of it that way, but you're right. I can't imagine performing surgery based only on a person's symptoms."

"Or not performing surgery at all," Carlisle added. "Years ago, it was common for patients to die from something as simple as appendicitis. Physicians would assume that someone had indigestion, and all the while the person's appendix was infected and killing them. Thankfully, that kind of problem has been corrected."

Curious as ever, Bella asked Carlisle, "Where did you go to medical school?" I wasn't sure whether she intended to be vague, but she didn't specify what decade, or even century. Carlisle has been through doctor's schooling and training several times in his existence; whenever he felt he needed more knowledge than continuing education could provide, he enrolled at a different school.

"Originally at Cambridge," he replied.

"In England?" Bella looked surprised.

"Yes, that's where I was born."

"How long have you lived in the United States?"

"For over 200 years. I did my original schooling and training in England. And then," he explained without hesitating, "after my transformation, I traveled through Europe for awhile, mostly staying in Italy. I came to America around 1800."  
"What made you decide to come here?" Bella asked Carlisle these normal questions about his abnormal life as if she was speaking to another human.

"More opportunities. The advancements in American medicine were starting to overshadow European efforts at that point," he explained.

Fascinated, Bella started to ask him more, then abruptly stopped, looking self-conscious. "I hope you don't mind that I'm asking you all this," she said. "I don't mean to be nosy."  
Carlisle smiled. "Not at all. It's nice to have a new audience. Edward and the family have heard my stories time and again; I daresay they're very bored with them by now." Emmett chuckled in agreement.

"Did your family..." Bella hesitated for a few seconds. "Did your family know why you left England?"

"No. They probably assumed I was dead. Once I became immortal, I never saw them again." Carlisle opened his hands, which had been folded on the table, and looked down at his palms for a moment. I knew this was a difficult subject for him; I was curious about what he might tell Bella about his background.

"My father was the vicar in a small parish outside of London at the time. He was a rather stern preacher, very much by the book," Carlisle began.

"By 'book,' I assume you mean Bible?" Bella asked.

He smiled, appreciating her assumption. "Exactly. He was very strict, and many of his sermons dealt with the supernatural. Creatures such as vampires and witches lived fairly openly, believe it or not; they were considered abominations by clergy."

"As it happened, there was a coven of vampires in my father's parish. It was common for the locals to try and drive them away. I was with a group one evening that was searching the streets for them when I was attacked. The others never knew what happened. I left once I realized exactly what assaulted me, and what I had become as a result," he said matter of factly.

"You never told them?" Bella asked softly.

"My father and his parishioners would have come straight for me -- it would have been a true pitchforks-and-torches scene," Carlisle said, shaking his head. "If you've read 'The Crucible,' you have some idea of what I mean."

Bella's expression cleared with understanding. "I suppose he would believe you had become evil because of what happened to you," she commented.

"Well, in my father's defense, the vampires and witches caused a great deal of death and destruction. People were fearful of them, mostly because of their families and livelihoods. I knew the village would come for me and my father would be with them. The fact that I was his son was secondary; his first calling in life was as a minister, not a father," Carlisle explained.

She shook her head in disbelief. "But you've never hurt any human. Edward's told me you're as strong as anyone could possibly be in your situation." The words seemed to roll easily from her mouth; it was incredible that she was talking casually with my father about his history as a vampire.

"When I realized what happened, I was horrified, of course. I didn't want to harm any humans; I was studying medicine so I could help them," Carlisle said softly. "I was frantic, trying to think of what I could do. Finally, I ran off and came across a herd of deer. I was craving blood, and without even thinking I killed several of them. It helped calm the thirst, so that's what started me on this lifestyle." He said it as simply as he had told Bella what he'd made for her dinner.

"It must have been so hard for you. Not just physically -- here you are, the son of a minister, and you've become one of the things he hated the most," Bella said sympathetically.

"I felt as it my life had ended, even though clearly, it had become eternal," Carlisle responded. "It wasn't until I found my family that things were set right." His hand grasped Esme's.

I listened to this conversation with rapt attention, although as Carlisle said, I'd heard it many times before. He left out a number of details, of course, either for the sake of decorum or to spare Bella's composure. His transformation was not nearly as smooth as he made it seem.

"So when you were alive, there were supernatural beings walking among humans? I mean, they were acknowledged?" Bella asked, frowning.

"Yes. They were shunned and fought, of course. Vampires, witches, and others of that ilk were viewed as creatures of the devil. We were supposed to be damned for all time," Carlisle said.

By now, Emmett had excused himself to find Rosalie, who was probably in the garage working on one of our cars. Jasper followed him out shortly afterward, leaving the five of us at the table.

"Do you think that's true now?" Bella asked, curiously.

"Interesting question," Carlisle said appreciatively. Half amused and half concerned, he thought, _I'm not sure we should get into this right here._

"It's just that Edward has explained how you all use animals instead of humans. It doesn't seem as if you're these murderous ghouls," she said, then blushed at her own choice of words. Alice was watching her intently, even though I could bet that she'd already seen this in her visions.

"I'm sorry," she apologized. "That was harsh. I was trying to say that I don't understand how judgment can be passed on you when you're not doing anything wrong -- in fact, you've all done everything you can to fix a horrible twist of your own fate."

"If you're referring to a deity, I personally don't believe we'll be judged merely on what we are, but rather, on our actions," Carlisle said.

Bella's face brightened. "Exactly! How could it be otherwise?"

"Opinions on this vary," he replied wryly, looking at me, "but I agree that our immortal status isn't as important as how we live it."

I sighed. "Carlisle, I think that's misleading. This _is_ our afterlife. We've already died; we don't have souls."

"Really? How do you know that?" Bella had been leaning forward with her arms on the table; she shifted back to look at me with interest.

"Nearly every organized religion on the planet says that once the body dies, the soul departs it."

"How do you know you didn't get another one?" she said, looking at me curiously.

"I don't think it works that way, Bella. I've always interpreted it as a one-shot deal, " I said, laughing.

She shrugged. "No one knows for sure. Besides," she added, "the Catholics talk about purgatory, a sort of halfway point between heaven and hell. It's supposed to be a place for purification. What if something like that did exist? Maybe your soul is waiting there for you," she said stubbornly.

"To quote Hebrews, in the Bible: 'It is appointed for men to die once, and after that comes judgment," I replied.

"For what it's worth, Bella, I agree with you. I remain optimistic on that subject," Carlisle said.

"I can't imagine a God, or any supreme being, who would look at any of you and see you as evil," she said emphatically.

I shook my head. "I appreciate your efforts to rewrite religious dogma on my behalf, but I think it's a lost cause," I said. Bella scowled at me but I could see the smile in her eyes.

"I'd be happy if you just acknowledged your good side," she said teasingly.

Carlisle smiled and stood up. "Well, Bella, knowing of your interest in historic artifacts, and hearing your thoughts on religion, let me invite you to see something I have that belonged to my father."

"Really?" Bella was immediately intrigued. "I'd like that."

"It's upstairs," he said, motioning for Bella and I to follow him. "Edward hasn't had the chance to show you the rest of the house, so you can take a tour afterwards." _I'm sure you'd like some time with her alone. Certainly you didn't bring her here to discuss theology with me all evening,_ he thought. I smiled and thanked him with my eyes.

We ascended the stairs and Carlisle led us down the hall to an enormous wooden cross. Dark brown and stained with age, it hung from a simple wire, with a small recessed ceiling light creating shadows in its distressed grooves. Bella's eyes widened and she extended her hand as if to touch it, then hesitated, looking to Carlisle and I for approval.

Carlisle nodded. "It's quite sturdy, even after all these years, so please go ahead."

She ran her hand gently over the bottom of the vertical plank. "It's beautiful. How long have you had it?"

"I found it when I returned to England at one point in the 1800s. I went to the church where my father preached; it was still standing, and I found this in storage. The interior had been redesigned and the elders didn't see the need to keep this around, so they let me have it when I explained that an ancestor was once vicar there," he explained.

Bella frowned slightly. "There's no...I mean, it doesn't..._bother _you to have this here, in your home?"

Carlisle and I both laughed. "No, that's another myth," I explained. "Crosses, holy water and garlic don't affect us at all."

"Well, that's a relief. Next time you come over, I can simmer garlic in water from the baptismal font at the hospital chapel. Great new recipe," she said, grinning.

"Okay now, the _smell _of that...yes, that would definitely affect me."

Carlisle excused himself to adjourn to his study. "Bella, it's been so nice having you here," he said, giving her a warm embrace. "At least half of what Alice said was right," he added, smiling mischievously at me over Bella's small frame. "You've clearly made Edward very happy. Esme and I are truly grateful for that."

"He doesn't always see it, but he's done the same for me," she said, her voice slightly muffled. Whether it was from emotion or being slightly pushed against Carlisle's chest, I had no idea, but I didn't care. It was all I could do to restrain myself from pulling her away from him and kissing her right there, in front of my father and the cross.

I took her hand and led her back down the hall, pointing out the rooms of my siblings and their partners, as well as the master bedroom suite used by Carlisle and Esme. At the end of the hall, opposite from where the cross hung, was my room, where I'd never hosted another woman, except for those I lived with.

Bella looked around quickly as she entered, her eyes taking in the drawings and paintings I had on the walls. Her gaze fixed on one of the bookshelves which held music, and she walked over to read the titles.

Tilting her head sideways, her brows were knit in concentration. "How are these organized?"

"By category, like classical, folk, and such, and then by year. Within the year, it's by preference, not alphabetical."

"Quasi-Dewey decimal system," she said. I detected the smile in her voice; she was facing away from me.

"Is there something in particular you'd like to hear?"

"What's your favorite?" she asked.

"Within what genre?"

"Well, what's your favorite genre?" she replied impishly.

"Classical."

"Please, put on something you especially like," she said.

I strolled over to her and reached for a CD of Debussy to play on the stereo. Slow, romantic and tender, the notes of "Claire de Lune" filled the room.

"This is really beautiful. I'm embarrassed to say I don't know this piece," she said shyly.

"I could teach you about classical music," I offered.

"I'd like that. I would like to know more about it, particularly if it's something you enjoy," she said, finally meeting my gaze.

My happiness lifted with the opening piano and then soared as the music took flight. Impulsively, I grabbed Bella's right hand with my own and held it up just past her shoulder. She looked to me confusedly for explanation.

Hesitant now, I put my left arm around her waist so it rested gently at her lower back. She finally guessed my intention and started laughing self-consciously.

"You have to know I'm not a good dancer. I mean," she said, blushing furiously, "everything you've seen of me so far points in that direction."

"Shhhh," I said softly. "Let's not waste the music."

"I'm afraid of stepping on your feet," she said, still embarrassed.

"If I can teach you about classical music, I can teach you to dance, too. Besides, if you stepped on my foot I'd barely feel it."

Finally, she relaxed enough to follow my lead. Typical Bella, though: she kept her head down, studying the placement of my feet as she moved her own. I wanted very much to see her expression, although I guessed she was frowning in concentration. I was just about to remove my hand from her waist and tilt her chin up when she lifted her head and smiled. Suddenly she looked uncertain, and I felt fleeting frustration because I didn't know what she was thinking. Then, she closed her eyes and laid her head on my chest, humming gently. I pulled her closer to me and shut my own eyes, grateful for the clumsy little patterns her feet were making on the floor because it meant we didn't actually move all that much.

The pain in my throat was insistent, but I expected that it would be. I swallowed the venom and gauged my control; I felt certain that I had it. Something else was dominant tonight. Bella's small, very warm body pressed up against my cold exterior was like a sure hand pulling me out of a century of desolation. It was heady, it was passionate, it was reverential, and it was terrifying.

Her head rested very near where my heart would beat; I tried to focus on that rather than the intimacy of her breasts pressed lightly but firmly against the middle of my chest. And that's what terrified me right now: not her scent or her blood, but something I was only beginning to realize I wanted just as much, if not more. It was an impossible situation. Could I be satisfied with physical touching limited to this? Could Bella?

The music ended and she kept her head where it was, though she stopped moving her feet. Slowly, she brought her head up to look in my eyes.

"Was that okay?" she asked, thinking of me again, and referring to the discomfort created by my thirst. Immediately, my mood turned dark. She would never have to ask that of another man, not in the way she meant it.

My frustration must have shown on my face, because she frowned and started to ask, "What's--"

I tightened my arm around her waist and said, "Yes. It's fine." I walked the both of us to the couch in my room. (I was the only one in the house without a bed; although none of us slept, I had even less use for one.)

Bella halted me. "No, wait. What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Stop that. You promised you'd tell me when something's bothering you."

I sighed, continuing to pull her toward the couch. "Let's sit down."

She set herself carefully on the leather, her attention still on me. "Sometimes I'm..." I'd rarely, if ever, been at a loss for words until I met Bella. "I wish you didn't have to ask me that question."

Bella shrugged. "But I do. So what. Eventually, I'll learn more about your limits. Then I won't have to ask as much."

I smiled at her oversimplification while I processed the word "eventually." It spoke of a lot of time together, and no matter what, I liked that.

"If this was different...if I was different..."

"But you're not. So leave it alone. It is what it is."

Surprised again at her acceptance, I asked once more, "It really doesn't bother you?"

She exhaled. "Sure, I wish I didn't have to ask, even though it's not like it's an annoyance." Bella scooted closer to me and took my hand. "I know why it bothers _you._ It's what it means. Of course I wish it was different, if only because you'd stop beating yourself up all the time. I guess I figure, this is the reality." She shrugged her shoulders. "There are lots of worse questions I could have to ask a guy."

"With another guy, your life wouldn't be in danger."

Bella raised her eyebrows. "Is my life in danger now?"

"No, not right now."

"Well, then. I think we agreed to take this one step at a time. Your recall is better than mine," she said teasingly. "Am I remembering it right?"

"Yes, you are." I looked down the contrast of our hands: mine, so white and hard; hers, soft, warm and a very human mix of beige and blush. I wondered if I'd ever be worthy of her understanding.

Still clutching my hand, Bella said, "Look, I don't want to minimize your fears or your appetite." I looked up at her, somewhat shocked at her use of the word. "But I'm not going to stand for you wallowing in guilt or self-loathing."

"You are really, absolutely, totally unafraid that I could kill you at any second?" _Wallow, wallow, wallow_.

"I never said that. I'm not a total idiot, contrary to all appearances," she said, trying to get me to smile. "But I trust you. And I'm choosing to accentuate the positive."

Of course, I had that Johnny Mercer tune in my collection. That was the next song we danced to.

* * * *

For the first time in memory, I regretted having to work that night. Normally, it gave me something else to do. Tonight, though, it took me away from what I wanted more than anything: to stay with Bella. I had to talk myself into being responsible and reporting to the pharmacy.

She sighed when I told her it was time for me to change my clothes for work. Smiling, I trailed my fingertips along the side of her face and said, "I feel the same way." She covered my hand with her own and leaned into it, exactly like the first night I'd touched her this way.

I excused myself and grabbed my clothes to bring to the washroom. As I closed the door behind me and began removing my shirt, I felt the strangest sensation. I would be naked in a few seconds, with nothing separating me from Bella but the wall. Another wall. I thought I had taken them down, but this one was especially insurmountable. I knew nothing would happen; I wouldn't leap out of the door to shock her, pull her into my arms and kiss her without stopping...but it was indescribably exciting to think about.

Alice heard we were preparing to leave. As I was brushing my hair, she knocked at my door and called out to us. I knew I'd better get out there fast or she'd have my sweet, unsuspecting Bella talked into an 18-hour shopping trip.

"Hey Bella, can we go next weekend? I know you guys have plans for tomorrow, so I thought maybe we could shoot for Saturday," Alice chirped excitedly.

Bella looked to me, mystified, and smiled. "We have plans? What are we doing tomorrow, Edward?"

Alice must have seen something. "Actually, we haven't discussed this at all yet," I said, glowering at my sister, "but I've heard the weather tomorrow is supposed to be sunny, so I thought we could do something outdoors."

_Stop scowling at me, Edward,_ Alice thought, with a calculated grin stretched across her face. _If Bella and I spend time together, I can find out what she likes. You can get her better presents than small appliances and free veterinary care._

Hmmm. Truly, Alice had a point. Bella never spoke of favoring anything besides books or CDs. I would love to buy her more gifts, and if they went shopping, Alice could do reconnaissance work for me.

In the silence, Bella's gaze moved suspiciously from me to Alice and back. "Are you two plotting something?"

"No," Alice said quickly. "I was apologizing to Edward because I spoke out of turn. I saw the two of you out tomorrow, and I thought maybe you'd already talked about it. Sorry, Bella, I should have asked first."

Bella readily accepted Alice's explanation. "Oh, that's okay," she responded. "Um, I think next Saturday would be fine. I don't have any other plans...do I?" She looked at both of us playfully. Alice clapped her hands with glee before I shooed her back to Jasper.

We stopped downstairs where Esme was in her study, because I knew she would want to see Bella before we left. They hugged gently, Esme uncertain of her own strength. "Goodbye, Bella. I do hope Edward brings you back here soon," she said, smiling affectionately.

"So do I. I'm so glad he brought me tonight. It's been wonderful meeting all of you. And thank you for dinner. It was among the best Italian food I've ever had," she replied, sincerity shining through her expression.

_Edward, you have finally found the person you've so richly deserved all these years,_ Esme thought as she saw us out to the garage.

Emmett was there with Rosalie, whose upper body was at work under her BMW. "G'night, Bella," he said, waving. "Have a great time at work, bro. You _are_ still going to work, right?" He wiggled his eyebrows at me suggestively.

I snorted and rolled my eyes. Rosalie didn't say a word, exactly as I expected.

As soon as the car headed down the drive, Bella said, "That was really nice, Edward. They made me feel so welcome. And it must have been difficult for them."

"Oh, they like you very much. Esme couldn't have been more taken with you," I said, holding her hand reassuringly.

"I'm so happy about that. I mean, I had no idea how they would react to me."

"Most of the family is glad that I'm with someone. I believe Alice explained that in detail for you," I said wryly.

Bella laughed. "Yeah, I thought that was pretty funny. I've already seen that you can be very dark," she said, looking at me out of the corner of her eye, "but I don't see you that way at all now."

"First impressions are supposed to be lasting. I appreciate your willingness to revisit that," I murmured, kissing her hand.

She smiled and glanced down at her lap. "I believed you were worth knowing."

I let the feeling of plain contentment wash over me with no second-guessing. It was a welcome change from wallowing.

We arrived at Bella's apartment and I turned off the motor. She looked at me, questioning; she assumed I would let her out on her own. "I'm going to walk you to your door like a proper gentleman," I explained. It wasn't exactly true; I couldn't kiss her the way I wanted to in the car, all angled and awkward.

"So, I gather we have something to do tomorrow?" She smiled and turned to me as we arrived at the doorstep.

"Yes. Alice was a real well of information tonight, wasn't she?" I sighed. "Would you like to go with me to the meadow?" I wanted to make sure she had the choice, especially after she was the last person to learn of my idea.

"Of course," she replied, still smiling. "What time?"  
"Would noon be all right?" Since it was Sunday, she would want to sleep in a little.

"That's perfect."

"I'll pick you up then." I hesitated and her chin dropped a little, a look of nervous anticipation stealing across her face.

We'd been together all night, so I was gratefully accustomed to her scent right now. I tilted her head up gently with my fingers and then cradled her face in my hands, simply taking in all the features of her face for a few minutes. She looked happy, glowing.

I leaned down slowly and placed my lips against hers, careful to keep them closed. I wanted to open my mouth and kiss her harder, more hungrily, but I didn't dare risk my teeth getting in the way. She moved her head slightly, settling her lips into mine. Bella moaned quietly and it almost undid me, nearly unraveling the determination I'd held to keep from doing anything stupid that either of us would regret. I felt her mouth part slightly and I drew back reluctantly. Her blood wasn't tempting me nearly as much as the rest of her was.

She detected my change in mood and stopped moving, holding still until she knew I was no longer bent over her to reach her lips. Bella opened her eyes and looked at me, her eyelids at half-mast and her head tilted slightly. There was passion in her gaze; I was sure I saw it there. I removed my hands, intending to take hers, but she moved her palm up to my cheek.

"Goodnight, dear Edward," she said softly.

I inhaled deeply at her words and the way she said them. "Goodnight, dear Bella," I responded, my voice husky.

I was especially glad I was the only pharmacist on duty tonight; there was plenty of work, so I redirected my focus. I felt light - emotionally - and physically almost dizzy after my time with Bella, and the finale of our evening was especially distracting. I didn't want to make any mistakes in a profession that could afford none. There were a number of emergency surgeries and admissions tonight; apparently a fight on the reservation had left some bloody victims. I dropped off the supply of medicated intravenous fluids and other prescriptions at the ER, taking care to steer clear of the blood I'd smelled so clearly from way down the hall.

When I arrived home, the lightness was replaced by impatience. I had about four hours before I picked Bella up at her apartment. Should I go over there now, just to watch her? No, that would probably put her off and resurrect those stalker fears. Besides, I'd need my car for our trip, and I couldn't leave the Volvo in her driveway and sit in a tree for hours. That was too weird, even for me.

I read, I helped Esme move some mulch to the rear of the house for plantings, I read some more, and then, with a couple of hours still left, decided to play music. I was composing several tunes at once, all of them inspired by Bella. Perhaps the best way to keep my mind off of the time until I saw her was to do something that actually connected me with her for now. The familiarity of the keys and the effort of finding the right combination of notes was soothing. I wanted to get these compositions right. I was writing several pieces because they each portrayed different aspects of what I felt for Bella. One of them was playful, one of them was gentle and quieting, and the third, which I was motivated to add to now, was thunderous and passionate, almost dark.

Never a mere distraction, my music kept me satisfyingly occupied until it was time to leave. The sun was indeed shining, as Alice predicted for me a few days ago. Even with a thin haze of clouds, the brightness filtered through every space, wending around tree leaves and reflecting off the windows of the businesses downtown. Every face I saw on the streets was happy.

And so was Bella. I pulled the car into her driveway and saw her standing there, gazing up at the sky as if to make sure she was really seeing the sun. She had a lovely smile on her face, which broadened into a huge grin when she saw my car.

"Hi!" she said, almost shyly. "Isn't it beautiful out today?" She had on jeans and a tee shirt, and was carrying a light jacket.

I laughed in delight at her expression; I couldn't recall ever seeing her appear so carefree. "It is a rare, lovely day in Forks. Is that why you were outside?"

"That's part of it. Since it's sunny, I didn't know if you'd want to get out of your car until we arrived at wherever we're going today, so I thought I'd wait here. Which reminds me," she said, frowning slightly, "would you mind if I drove today?"

Surprised, I asked, "Not necessarily, but why?"

"Well, you always drive, and it's only fair if I do my share of it. Plus," she added, rolling her eyes self-consciously, "your driving sometimes scares me."

"_That's_ what scares you about me? My driving?" I couldn't stop laughing.

"You may be used to driving 80 miles an hour on local roads, but I'm not. Honestly, I don't even drive on the New Jersey Turnpike as fast as you do on Main Street," she said, shushing my protests. "Please?"

I relented. When she looked at me like that, I couldn't say no. "You should know this is going to take a lot longer now," I grumbled.

"Yeah, but with a lower probability that one of us will wind up back in the Emergency Room."

After she pulled the Subaru out on to the street and I left my Volvo in the driveway, I quickly climbed into her car, thankful it was idling in the shade. I moved the passenger seat as far back as I could to accommodate my height, then saw that it left me essentially looking at the right side of her head. Sighing, I bent my knees in an exaggerated manner and pushed the seat forward.

Bella was enjoying this. "Are you comfortable?"

"No."

"Sorry. Can you tell me where we're going now, and how to get there?"

I directed her north on Route 101, towards Beaver. There was a particular place I went to when the sun was out, at the border of Olympic National Park, and it had thus far remained undiscovered by anyone else. I never detected any human scent there, so as far as I knew it was safe for both of us.

We rode in comfortable silence for a few moments, and then Bella said, "I guess Rosalie really doesn't like me very much."

"Rosalie doesn't know you well enough to even feel that way. There are other issues with her," I replied. "In her own way, she's concerned about me and our family, but more than that, our relationship seems to bring up a lot of bad feelings for her." I tried to explain without violating Rosalie's privacy. "She still often struggles with her own immortality. I think the fact that you are human causes her to remember things from her past. It isn't you personally."

Bella glanced at me, concern working over her expression. "She didn't want this life," she said, more a statement than a question.

I shook my head. "I don't know of anyone who does. Rosalie had things she wanted while human -- things she remembers, that she still wants and misses. It affects her deeply at times."

"She has Emmett, at least. He seems to adore her."

"Yes, they are very much in love. He's very protective of her, although she'd never admit she enjoys that. Still, it doesn't compensate for everything she can't have." I thought of the pale, crimson-eyed Bella in Alice's vision, and I wondered. Worried, too.

"Mmm," Bella said in assent. "It helps to know that. The way she reacted to me kind of reminded me of you, that first day I saw you."

I nodded. It wasn't an unfair comparison. "We both treated you horribly."

"At the time, I wondered how you could hate me when you didn't even know me. That's always difficult for me. I wondered why Rosalie would also dislike me that much when she doesn't know me, either. And if she cares for you as her brother, wouldn't she want to know me?" I detected some hurt in her voice. "But I understand what you're saying. It's her, not me."

I nodded. "Please remember that. Also, Rosalie is very vain," I added, laughing. "She's jealous of you for other reasons, too."

Bella did a double take. "Jealous? Edward, she has to be the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. How could she possibly be jealous of me?"

"You're also a beautiful woman."

She blushed and ducked her head, even as her eyes stared straight at the road. "No," she said, sounding almost confused.

"You don't acknowledge yourself very well, Bella. You _are _beautiful. You're so amazing in so many ways, and it's always right there for everyone to see. Even when you're so serious, everything -- all of you -- shines," I said, emotion weighing heavily in my voice.

"Edward..." she said, laughing self-consciously. I waited for her to say something else, but she didn't. I sighed. "If I contribute nothing else to this relationship, I'm determined to get you to see your own qualities." I stopped because I had to point out the turnoff to Bella. We left Route 101 and followed a narrow gravel road a few miles until I told her to pull over in a clearing where she could park the car.

We locked up the Subaru in silence. Bella tied her jacket around her waist; I was grateful she chose to wear sneakers, because we'd need to hike through an area where there was no trail. I was wearing a long-sleeved button down shirt, untucked.

"How far is it?"

"About a mile from here."

Bella stopped and gently pulled on my arm. I turned to her, waiting for a question, perhaps, on where we were headed. Instead I was met with intense anger. Bella's face and mouth were set, and there were tears brimming in her eyes.

"Don't _ever_ talk like that again," she said to me.

"What? Don't ever call you beautiful?" Once again, she had me mystified. And once again, I wished fervently that I could read her mind, to see what she was really thinking and feeling.

"No. Well, I don't mean -" and she stopped, squinting her eyes closed. I hissed in frustration, and she reopened them slowly. "Thank you. For the compliment. Even if I don't think it's...realistic."

"Are you calling me a liar?" I tried to joke her out of her seriousness, as she might do with me.

"No, I'm calling you someone who also doesn't see himself very clearly." Bella looked away for a second, as if gathering momentum. She turned back to me and stepped slightly closer. "Don't _ever_ _think_ you don't contribute anything to us. Never, ever say that." She grabbed my hand and held it fast. "You never expect or want me to be anyone but exactly who I am. You have _no idea_ how important that is to me -- what a great gift that is." Her voice was trembling but fierce, and several tears came rolling down her cheeks. With my other hand, I brushed them away.

Her words...not reading her thoughts made them so much sweeter for how unexpected they were. Not random declarations coming from anyone, but phrases put together like the piano notes I prized so highly. They filled me with the most heavenly light, better than the music I'd loved all these years. Despite my own misgivings and qualms about myself, there was no doubt that she meant everything she said.

We faced each other, her emotion subsiding a little, and I leaned forward to place my forehead against hers. I wanted to kiss her but more than that, I wanted to look in her eyes while I responded to her, to make sure she knew how definite I was.

"My heart came to life again because of you. It may not beat like others, but it's here. And it's yours," I said softly. She closed her eyes and tilted her head slightly aside. I reached down to kiss her gently. "To know that I can do this right, that I can be something right when I'm with you so you're happier -- that's all I want. That's all I need."

Calmer now, Bella kept her gaze in mine and finally smiled. Her heart rate had slowed to a normal level. Satisfied that we were ready to start walking, I turned and motioned in the direction of the meadow. It took another 30 minutes of hiking, with Bella occasionally stumbling. I caught her by the arm or the hand numerous times, feeling her pulse quicken whenever that happened. I could not imagine tiring of that. It seemed as if I had a constant effect on her, a good effect in so many ways, and it gave me enormous joy and more than a little pride.

The growth of trees thinned and the canopy became sparse. "It's right here," I said, and led her to the edge of the woods, where it bordered the meadow. The grass was thick and rich with the smell of the ground; in the middle of the meadow was a dense growth of wildflowers: lavender harebells, magenta paintbrush, white campion. Bella stared in wonder and began walking toward the flowers, reaching down to carefully touch them. She turned and shaded her eyes, looking for me. I remained at the edge of the woods, and once she noticed I was unbuttoning my shirt, her expression grew perplexed. "Edward?" she questioned.

"Stay there, Bella. I'll be right over," I replied. I removed my shirt and held it in my hand, and with one large inhale, stepped out into the sunlight.

I hadn't provided Bella with any indication of what to expect. I kept my gaze on her face, waiting, as always, for her reaction to another part of the life I had to keep hidden. Her eyes widened but she otherwise held still, watching my every movement. As I drew closer to where she stood, she extended her hand, waiting for me. I closed the distance between us and stood about a foot away from her, our hands clasped.

"So beautiful," she whispered. "Edward, you're amazing." Her eyes scanned my face and chest, taking in the reflections caused by the sun on my skin.

"You think it's beautiful?" I couldn't keep the disgust out of my voice.

"Yes, I do. I really do." She seemed in awe of it. "The colors are incredible. Every time you move, they move with you and change...It's...You're _glorious."_

I shook my head. "Yet another way in which I'm a freak."

Bella tilted her head up and regarded me levelly. "Please just accept my compliment." Moving one step closer, she said, "Now I understand why you steer clear of the sun in public places. Edward, how is this possible?" She inclined her head to look closely at my bicep, which is more or less at her eye level.

I motioned for her to sit down, still holding hands. She moved mine closer to her face and inspected it, frowning, looking for her answer.

"We think it has something to do with the hardness of our skin. I'm not sure if science can exactly explain this. We can't even get a tissue sample. The only thing tough enough to cut through it is another vampire's teeth, and none of us want to do that," I explained.

Heavier clouds were moving in, and the sunlight was made weaker by the haze. The brightness of the reflections off my skin dimmed a little bit, and resumed its strength when the cloud passed along.

"Why do you dislike it so much? Is it just because it keeps you inside when the weather is like this?" Bella asked, ever curious.

"That's a part of it, certainly. Mostly, it's what it represents. It's yet another manifestation of how different we are," I said, my eyes down.

"How different you are." It wasn't a question. Bella watched me carefully, my hand in her lap.

"Yes." She began stroking my hand and arm, and then looked at me cautiously.

"It's fine. I'm all right with this. In fact, it feels wonderful. Your hands -- all parts of you -- are so warm. It's intensified by the sun," I said, in response to the question I didn't want her to ask. Since we'd been together yesterday and for several hours today, I was able to shove my bloodlust to some unwelcome corner of my mind. It always fought to get out when she was closer, but the enjoyment of her touch gave me the strength to shut it down.

I was beginning to realize that I could never hurt her. The agony it would cause would drive me insane, and probably to death. Still, I wanted to be sure I never put us in the position where that could happen. But sitting here with her, quietly enjoying her touch, was fine -- better than fine. It was more than I'd hoped for in all my immortality. My emotions had drawn so close to the surface in recent weeks, I felt as if I was wearing them. I could pitch from the depths of despair to positive elation in minutes, merely from the joy that Bella brought me. The quick mood shifts that are another vampire characteristic felt enhanced. I started to chuckle.

"What?" Bella stopped her soft strokes. "Did I do something?"

"No, I was just thinking. Vampires have rapid mood swings -- good to bad and then back again. My emotions are so riled up now that I...now that we are together. I'm suddenly very sympathetic to women who have PMS," I said.

Bella chuckled. "I'll file that away for future reference."

"Why did you automatically think I was laughing at you?" I asked curiously.

She shrugged her shoulders noncommittally. "I've always been defensive. I guess it's almost reflexive at this point in my life."

"But what made you that way?"

"Getting yelled at a lot, probably."

"By who?" I couldn't see any reason for it, and it made me angry. She always tried so hard to do what was right.

"My parents. The nuns in grammar school. And then, you know...even when it isn't yelling any more, there's still criticism. I guess I've become hyper-sensitive." She looked at me almost apologetically. "Anyway, it's not terribly interesting."

I slowly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm interested."

"I think I've already told you almost everything about me," she protested, grabbing my fingers and lacing her own through my hand.

"Mmmm, not everything," I demurred.

"What, I didn't tell you my birth weight? Or my final report card in sixth grade?" she teased.

My endless drive to know her made me lose all discretion. "Who is Bill?" I asked before really thinking about it.

The smile, as well as all the color, faded from her face. "How did you know his name?" she asked quietly.

Honesty. She wanted honesty. Plus, you got yourself into this. "Remember when we discussed how I stayed in your apartment overnight? And how it was never boring for me?"

"Yes?" she replied hesitantly.

"You said his name in your sleep."

She sighed and glanced at the ground. "It must have been a long time ago," she murmured.

I wasn't sure what she was referring to. "Do you mean, you knew him a long time ago? Or that you said his name a long time ago?"

"I meant I must have said his name a long time ago, because I haven't dreamt about him in ages. I never even think about him any more, " she said pointedly.

"You know, you really don't have to tell me--" I started to say.

Bella held out her hand to stop me. "I know. Now I want to. You already know something about him anyway. He was the boyfriend I broke up with before I came here."

After Bella and I had our first conversation at work, I matched the person she mentioned with the name she spoke at night. "I thought it was something like that."

She didn't say anything for a minute or two, and then she started. "He wasn't my first boyfriend, but I think I'd call him the straw that broke the camel's back. We dated for only a while. I don't know why he even bothered with me. He made it plain by the end that he had very little regard for me."

My fury must have shown on my face. "You look angry," she said warily.

"I am. I won't tolerate anyone treating you like that," I said with a growl.

"Just remember, he's in the past. I literally don't care if I never see him again. Leaving New Jersey helped assure that," she said.

"Anyway. We met through work, at the same hospital. He worked in public relations," she explained. A quick flashback to her strong reaction against Tom Boylan ran through my mind. "We had some common interests, like music and movies, books. He asked me out a couple of times. I don't think it was very serious -- well, I know now for him that it wasn't," she amended. "He was very impatient with me. If I didn't know a particular book or play, he viewed it as some major failure. I don't like to dance much -- as you know," she smiled weakly at me. "He loved to dance and it annoyed him that I didn't. One time he dragged me out on a dance floor and I just thought, 'To hell with it, I'l go with this.' And then he stands there and looks at me and says, 'You're better than most of the others in this place!" He took what I guess was supposed to be a compliment and managed to make it sound like criticism." She shook her head.

"One evening, I had a party with some friends and work colleagues. I don't even remember how it started, but somehow we wound up talking in my bedroom, and he told me he was leaving the party and he didn't want to see me any more. I cried really hard," Bella said, almost sheepishly. "It took hours before I left my room to be with my friends again. I let him ruin the party for me."

I threaded my fingers through her hair, moved them down her cheek, traced her jawline and rubbed her hands. I had to keep touching her as she told me all this. "It hurt for quite a while. It wasn't only the loneliness, which, in a lot of ways, I was used to. It was as if he validated every bad feeling I had for myself. I let him do that. I should have thrown him out of my party. I should have thrown him out of my _life_," she said through clenched teeth. "In the end, that's what bothered me most, that I let him worm his way into my life even though he didn't care for me, and walk all over me."

She laced her fingers through mine once more. "Do you remember when we first talked and I said that distancing yourself from a problem can help see your way to resolving it?"

I nodded. I certainly did remember that. "When I arrived here, I was still a mess. I worried that I had made a rash decision," she continued.

"I'm sure my behavior didn't help," I said, angry now at myself.

Bella looked at me, silent for a moment. "Well, I've told you how confused I was, but really? That first day was another hit to my self-confidence." I closed my eyes, and the self-loathing rose to a pitch.

"I'm telling you this to be honest with you," she added firmly. "Don't waste time beating yourself up over it. Now I understand what was going on with you. Plus, the important thing is, we got past that," she said simply. Bella watched me and grasped my hands harder, waiting for affirmation in my eyes.

"And also, that day I first saw you got me thinking. I was angry at you, too. It made me realize I wasn't going to stand for anyone treating me like that any more -- not Bill, not you, not anyone. I won't say it's easy for me to stand up for myself, but it brought on a better realization that no one is going to do that for me. So in a weird way, you did me a favor," she added.

"I also thought a lot about why I let myself get into that situation. Bill was so critical of me because I allowed it. What would attract me to someone like that in the first place? I knew I needed to figure out why. So also, when I told you that I was 'working' on things when I moved here, I had already started down that road."

"You said Bill wasn't your first boyfriend. What about the others?"

She rolled her eyes. "Yeah, there were so many. I never dated anyone in high school. My first year in college, I went out with one guy who wanted us to be engaged by the end of that year and married sometime in my senior year. I ran like hell."

"Smart Bella," I said, smiling.

"Later, in my junior year, I went out with a guy who was very different from me: not much interest in books, attended junior college to study drafting, and into cars, big-time. We shared a mutual crazy love of the beach. It wasn't enough to sustain that relationship. I think we lasted about a year before I found out he was taking another girl to concerts and the Jersey Shore," she said.

"Really? He was cheating on you?" I couldn't possibly understand that. He had every human advantage I couldn't have, and he threw it away, betrayed her.

"Yes, I guess he was."

"What a prince. What did you say to him?"

"Nothing much, as I recall. I didn't really call him out on it. Sound like a pattern to you?" She looked at me ruefully. "I told myself it was because I knew we weren't meant to be. We enjoyed each other's company for awhile and then that was it. He wanted to be closer, actually, but I didn't want that."

My eyebrows shot up. I was getting better at reading between her lines. "What does that mean? Did he want to marry you, like the first guy?"

"No, not that." She was silent for a minute; we had released our intertwined fingers, probably due to Bella's tendency to talk with her hands. She pulled at the grass nervously, watching me from the corner of her eyes. "I really doubt you want to hear this."

"I really think I do," I said gently.

"He was a lot more interested in having sex than I was. He thought it would bring us closer, but I didn't believe that." She sighed and stretched, twisting from side to side with a slight frown.

"Are you all right?" I asked, concerned at her expression.

"My back's a little sore from sitting here so long, hunched over."

At least I could help with that. "Come here," I said motioning with my hands. I positioned her with her back facing me, between my legs, and moved her gently -- always mindful of that -- so that she settled against my chest. She balanced her arms on the tops of my knees, and I rested my chin on her head.

"Look at this," she said, and I heard the smile in her voice. "My own personal Adirondack chair."

I chuckled. She didn't ask The Question; I hope she realized that if I suggested this closeness, I found it tolerable. I was a little more worried about some of my particularly male instincts, as opposed to the vampire ones, but it seemed I had it all under control. For now. Again, I wished I didn't have to care about that. _Wallow._

I did have a bit of an ulterior motive. We were getting into a difficult topic in this part of the discussion of what had happened in her young adult life. I thought she might find it easier to talk if she didn't have to face me but had me supporting her in other ways.

"I'm sorry I interrupted you. I want you to be comfortable." _In every way._ "Please continue."

Bella said, "Okay. Let me think about this a minute." I heard a few soft breaths before she spoke again, quietly. "His name was Greg. I hadn't had sex with any one at that point, and somehow, I knew I didn't want him to be the first. I didn't tell that to Greg; I only said I didn't want to. Shortly after that, we broke up." She laughed briefly. "I guess that was for the best, too."

I let her words sink in. _I hadn't had sex with anyone at that point..._ I knew what that meant. There was someone later, at _some point_.

Bella was 24 years old. It wasn't out of the question that she would have had sex with someone. I tried not to let it bother me. I was unsuccessful at that.

"And then what?"

"Despite the fact that he started dating someone else before we technically broke up, we remained friends. I didn't see him very much before I left New Jersey. I understand that his new girlfriend is rather clingy, and he actually told a mutual friend that he didn't realize how much freedom I gave him, and how much he valued that, until now." In spite of the irrational pain of knowing I couldn't be her first and only lover, I grinned at the tone of satisfaction in her voice.

A few minutes of silence ensued. I asked what I wanted, hoping it didn't sound too judgmental. "Did you have many other boyfriends?"

"Nothing steady, until Bill."

_Please don't tell me you gave something as precious as yourself to a troglodyte who was cruel to you._ I couldn't think of what to say next -- a rarity for me, but this was a new situation.

More quiet. Then Bella said, "What is it, Edward?"

"What do you mean?"  
She turned her head a little to the side, smiling slightly. "You're no longer as relaxed as you were. Is something wrong?"

"No..."

"I think you're lying, but I'm not going to push you." She hesitated, and then asked, "Is it okay if I tell you more about...about the relationships that I did have?"

I realized that Bella knew all along what bothered me, and she was giving me a way out. "Of course. I want you to tell me whatever you want to. I'm listening." I gave her a slight hug to reassure her.

She settled back into my chest. "After Greg, I dated someone briefly, and it was kind of intense. We had a summer together. I slept with him, and I'm still not sure why. I'd always imagined my first time would be more special than that -- you know, a longer-term relationship, but it didn't turn out that way at all." Bella was silent for a moment.

"Maybe it was because I was 21 and I thought it was simply time. Maybe I had something to prove because Greg left me for another girl. I can't come up with any real reason. I'm normally not a terribly impulsive person." She stopped, and then said softly, "It was a bad decision. I'm not proud of it."

With some effort, I said, "You didn't do anything that hadn't been done an infinite number of times by others your age."

"But it wasn't _right _for me. And after telling Greg I didn't want to sleep with him because it wasn't right, why did I make such a sudden turnaround about something so meaningful? That scared me. I can't separate sex from love; it's too important to me, and I'm usually much more protective of myself than that." Those were probably the only words she could have spoken that would make me feel better right now.

"That all put me off of any kind of dating for awhile. And then came Bill. If the emotional side of our relationship was difficult, the physical side was probably worse. I put up with a lot of criticism there, too, and of course, I believed it. My self-esteem took a lot of hits, because I thought I really cared for him and I was desperate for that relationship to work. By the time he left, I had very little faith in myself. I still don't know how I managed to get myself clear across the country. Now, in hindsight, I think I wanted to get away from everything that reminded me of him, and the mess I'd become."

There was nothing in my own experience that I could equate with all this. Instead, I listened to her describe these parts of her own life and felt them through her words, the cadence of her voice, and the weight of the emotions that filled each narrative.

"So that day you and I first talked, when you said you didn't think I was really 'over' Bill -- well, you didn't know how right you were. It wasn't Bill himself; by the time he broke up with me, I knew almost immediately that he was no big loss." I was relieved at the distaste in her tone. "It was how emotionally beaten down I was. I believed I had nothing to offer, nothing desirable." I hissed and held her closer, my anger dangerously close to spilling out. All that stopped me was the fragility of Bella -- this woman who deserved only love and devotion, and instead fell into the hands of someone who knew nothing of either.

"And then I got on a plane and moved to Forks," she said simply.

"How do you feel now?" I asked, unsure of exactly how to phrase what I wanted to know.

But Bella understood. "Much better than I have in a long time." She turned herself sideways so she could look me in the face. "And I want to tell you that at first, when I knew I was so attracted to you, I questioned myself again." She hesitated but kept gazing straight into my eyes. "Once you told me about yourself and your family, I worried that I had this..._propensity_ for finding the wrong guy. The more I got to know you, the more I realized how untrue that was." I started shaking my head in sadness, but she put her hands on either side of my face and stopped me.

"No. _Listen_ to me. Really hear me, okay? This is more honesty coming at you. I know the cost of not being honest. And now, I honestly know that I am where I should be, where I want to be. You need to know that I've thought this through, and that I'm not here to fight another lost cause or to prove God knows what to myself." Her voice was trembling. "I'm here because I want to be with you. I have _never_ felt like this about anyone. I hope you want to be with me."

"How can you even question that?" I ran my hands up and down her arms. "Yes, I want to be with you. I'm very selfish, Bella. I know it's safer, _better_ for you to date someone else, but I can't stand the very idea."

"You're not selfish! I want this too," she exclaimed.

It was my turn to be honest, since we were just on the topic of sex. "But there are some things that you will not have as long as we are together. Bella, I want to share everything with you, but I can't. Not everything. I want you to understand the things you'll be missing." I looked at her intently, hoping to convey my meaning.

Awareness showed on her face after a minute. "Because you want my blood so much."

"That's only a part of it. You know I'm strong, Bella. I could hurt you in a fraction of a second. Even if I could avoid the temptation of your blood, I could lose control in other ways. I could _kill_ you. I can't take that chance."

She was silent for a moment, then she looked at me almost defiantly. "Why are you so certain you'd hurt me?"

I sighed. "You have no idea how fragile you are. When that station wagon almost crushed you, I was terrified that I'd hurt you when we hit the ground. I have to always be very careful that when I so much as take your hand, I don't grab too fast or squeeze too hard."

Maybe a visual aid would help her understand. "Just watch this." I jogged at vampire speed to the other side of the meadow so I was far away from where she sat, but close enough for her to see what I would do next. I stood next to a tree and put my palm against the trunk at chest level. With one quick flick of my wrist, I flexed my hand forward and the tree gave an earsplitting crack in protest. In less than a minute, it lay on the ground, split off at the bottom.

I walked back to where she sat, at human speed. Her eyes were large and thoughtful. "Okay, I see your point."

I joined her again on the grass. "I have to keep my focus each time I'm around you -- around any human, really, but it's you I'm most concerned about." Gently, I pulled her so she was sitting between my legs again, her back leaning against my chest. "If I became distracted just now and pulled you too hard, I would have tossed you like a rag doll clear across this meadow."

"Flying Bella," she said, smiling grimly.

"Don't even joke about that," I scolded her.

She sighed. "You sound so resigned."

"I don't want to hurt you, Bella. Ever. And because of that, there's no alternative."

"Are you sure?"

What was she getting at? "What do you mean?"

"Well," she said thoughtfully, "the first time you saw me, you said you nearly lost it because of the scent of my blood. Did you ever imagine a time when we would be sitting like this, and you would be as controlled as you are now?"

"It's different, just sitting here with you."

"But you couldn't have done this a few months ago, right? And being around me helps you get used to my scent, right?" she asked carefully.

Now I saw what she was getting at. "Bella, I don't think it's possible."

"I hate to see you dismiss it like that," she said softly, tearing at the grass again.

"Am I hurting your feelings?" I asked.

"A little. Yes," she replied, very quietly.

I turned her around so she could see me again. "You must never think I don't desire you. It isn't that at all," I said, mindful that she'd been insulted by a former lover, and she must feel especially sensitive about this. "I can't take the risk that I'd hurt you. I can only imagine that I'd lose control under those circumstances."

She was frowning and then she looked at me in surprise. " 'Can only imagine?' Edward, are you...?" She didn't finish the sentence, just looked at me, puzzled.

And waited for me to answer. I wish I'd thought of my wording better before I spoke. "What I mean is, sex between a vampire and a human is impossible. I know of a coven of vampires in Alaska, some of whom are female. They slept with human men, who died." I wasn't going to tell her, yet, that Tanya, Irina and Kate were not vegetarians at the time this happened, but have since abstained from human blood. I hoped the omission of this fact wouldn't come back to haunt me.

Unfortunately, Bella picked up on this. "Well, did they want to kill them?" she asked, frustrated.

"What do you mean?" I replied, trying to sound puzzled.

"You don't _want_ to kill me. I would hope that would help your control," she pointed out.

"Bella, I've been a vampire for a very long time. I know what I need to be careful of by now," I said firmly.

"Do you remember your relationships from your human life?" she asked curiously.

"Not really." That was true, at least.

"Did you have a girlfriend?"

"I don't think so. I don't remember one. As I told you, all I can really recall are my parents, a little, and that I worked in my father's pharmacy."

She pressed her lips together and watched me, as if debating whether to say something. "So, you probably never had sex as a human."

"Those were different times, Bella. I was a young man around 1920." I started to feel as if all this could work against me somehow.

Suddenly she scurried quickly away from me, using her hands and feet to move like a hermit crab. Bella looked more panicked than I'd ever seen her.

"What is it?" I said, reaching out my hands to bring her back.

"Oh, my God, you probably think I'm a _tramp!_" she said, her voice shaking.

"What? No! Stop that!" I said, now in a panic myself.

Bella was crying. "Oh jeez, why did I tell you all this? Now you think I ran around sleeping with all these guys...oh, _crap,_" she moaned.

I didn't want her to regret her honesty. I wanted so much to be the man who she felt free to run to any time she needed love or care. But truthfully, Bella had tapped into a small piece of doubt that was starting to fester. I wasn't sure how I felt about her sexual history. I was surely jealous of these other men who had a chance with her, even though I knew that their departure from her life helped bring her to me. I didn't know if I was distressed that she'd made love with other men but she couldn't with me, or simply that she'd had other men. I couldn't sort my feelings on this yet.

Here she was, crying, worrying that I thought less of her. I had to find a way to soothe her without lying.

"Bella. _Bella._ Please, come here," I said, softly and reassuringly. She didn't move, so I finally slid over to her and took her in my arms.

"I do _not_ think you're a tramp. I understand you came of age in a different era than I did. I think, maybe what I'm feeling is jealousy," I told her. That was true, possibly even completely true. "You have no idea how much I want to give you," I said softly, stroking her face. "And I can't. That's at the root of everything. I can't be a good man...partner...lover for you," I added bitterly. "It kills me. Or it would, if I weren't already dead."

Bella stared at me, shocked. I mustered a mischievous smile, and finally she giggled. Then she placed her palm against my cheek and said, "Please. Don't make yourself out to be less than you are. I wish I could get you to believe how much you've done for me already." At least she was smiling now. "We'll work through this as we will everything else."

She grew serious again. "I mean it though, Edward. I've already told you this: I don't want to hear you criticize yourself like that. I wish you could see your own qualities. I mean, I've dated other men. Trust me, you're a jewel." Bella tilted her head, regarding me silently for a moment. I started to grow impatient, wondering what was really going through her head given the course of this conversation.

"I know you've forgiven Carlisle for what he did; I can see that. But now you need to forgive yourself," she said, almost pleading.

Stunned, I stared into her eyes. How was it she had only known me a short time, but she already saw the exact things that haunted me every day?

I could never let her go.

I leaned over and pulled her to me, a little rougher than I should have but still without hurting her. I heard her sniffling, so I tilted her head back with my index finger and let my gaze roam over her face. There were tears in her eyes, but she was smiling a little. I couldn't know for sure, of course, but she looked like a woman in love.

I kissed her as hard and as thoroughly as I dared.

**A/N: Bella still has self-esteem issues. She can be strong and stand up for almost anyone but herself. I think a lot of women deal with the same thing. **

**Thanks so much to all of you who have read this far. I think we're more than halfway through, but I don't know for sure. I have to wait and see what Bella and Edward tell me about that. Also, Alice's shopping trip might take a long time; you know Alice. That'll come up in the next chapter.**

**Reviewers get their very own Adirondack chair made of Edward.**


	17. Bella, Chapter 9

**Hello, dear readers...This chapter begins right after dinner at the Cullen home. Because the meadow scene was so important, I've included some additional conversations between Bella and Edward here. Other than the setting at the start of the chapter, there is no repetition.**

**Thanks to all of you who read and encourage me with each chapter. The **_**only**_** reason I don't list all your names is because I'm terrified I'd forget someone, and I love all of you and wouldn't want to leave anyone out! Extra-special thanks to my husband, MapGuy, who brings it in every way.**

**Bella, Chapter 9**

The drive home Saturday night was markedly different than the ride to Edward's house earlier that evening -- at least, for me. My worries about whether his family would like me had dissipated. With only a couple of exceptions, they couldn't have been more welcoming. I loved conversing with Carlisle, and Esme, Edward's mother, was absolutely wonderful. I hoped we'd be able to talk more about her restoration projects; the work she was doing to rehabilitate these structures was fascinating.

Already, I liked Alice very much. Her cheer and enthusiasm were contagious -- certainly far from the stereotypically gloomy vampire. It seemed like she took to me very easily, too. Edward had explained her ability to me, and I thought that she must have known about us before we did. I wondered if the two of them discussed it.

After Edward dropped me off, kissing me goodnight as I'd hoped, I drifted to sleep with a contented smile on my face. I hadn't felt this happy since...ever. The only nagging worry I had was Edward's continued concern about my safety. I didn't know how I could get across to him that I felt secure in his presence. I was well aware that his instincts were an ongoing threat, and that they made him physically uncomfortable at times. I always tried to remember that. But I had such faith in him. I was beginning to accept that he really cared for me, even if it wasn't as strong as the feelings I had for him, and I believed that would keep him from hurting me. There was a fine line between respecting his limitations and assuring him he was more capable than he realized. I walked that line constantly.

On Sunday, Edward picked me up promptly at noon, and I was able to goad him into letting me drive. Honestly, I was more afraid of his driving sometimes than I was of any other aspect of his life. He begrudgingly folded himself into my little Subaru and directed me north, toward Olympic National Park.

Excited, I parked the car in the spot he recommended, and we stepped out under the trees. It was shady where we stood, so I had no indication of any changes in Edward's appearance. He took my elbow and led me toward a small clearing between some trees. I wouldn't exactly call it a trail; in fact, it wasn't even a path. Edward held aside branches and small bushes as we forged ahead, with him in the lead but glancing back at me frequently to make sure I was still upright and not on the ground somewhere, tripped by an errant vine.

He was quiet, and I was rather surprised that he didn't start peppering me with questions about my life, as he had nearly every other occasion where we'd spent time together. "Is something wrong?" I asked.

"No. Why?" he replied, turning half around so I could hear him better. We were forced to walk single-file by the lush growth all around us.

"Normally, you've got about a million things you're asking me about my incredibly fascinating life," I joked.

He smiled. "I thought you were looking forward to getting a break from all that."

"Oh, I'm not complaining. I just want to make sure I haven't done anything to upset you."

Edward stopped in his path and turned to face me. "Of course you haven't. Why would you even ask?"

I shrugged. "I don't know. I usually think that, I guess. Sometimes silence sounds severe to me, even though I like the quiet."

He leaned over and kissed my forehead. "For the record, I can't imagine you ever doing anything that would make me angry with you."

I feigned shock. "Did Alice predict that? I can be very annoying, you know."

"I didn't say you wouldn't ever _annoy_ me," he said with a smirk. "But I could never be angry with you. Not for longer than maybe 10 seconds."

I let it sink in. I wasn't used to hearing such words. "I promise to never take advantage of that, although it'll be hard."

He laughed. "You don't have a mean-spirited bone in your body. I can't believe you'd ever be vindictive."

"Janice could tell you otherwise."

"She wrote the book on vindictiveness, so her opinion is not exactly unbiased." He stared ahead as if seeing something, but all that I could make out were more evergreens and some of the moss that characterized the Hoh Rain Forest. We must be near that area of the park.

"As long as you seem to have temporarily run out of questions, can I ask you some of my own?"

"What would you like to know?" He asked this without any of the deep caution that characterized so many of our earlier exchanges.

"I'd like to hear about your life. Do you remember much of it?" I had been curious about this ever since he confirmed his immortality.

"I don't have clear memories of a lot of it. That's typical of what happens after the transformation. But since Carlisle was there when I died, he has filled me in on quite a bit."

I gasped. "Carlisle was there?"

"He was the one who turned me."

That stopped me in my tracks. "What? Edward, why?"

He smiled sadly. "I suspect he wanted a companion, mostly. He had no one with him at that point in his own immortality."

"I was near death from the Spanish flu. My mother passed away from the flu right before I did. We lived in Chicago, and Carlisle cared for us when we were ill. He became very fond of my mother and me. She suspected something was different about him, although he never guessed if she knew the complete truth. On her deathbed, she begged him to save me in whatever way he could. He got the distinct impression she wasn't necessarily referring to medicine."

"Do you remember your parents at all?"

"Only a little. I have some direct memories of them, more so of my mother. My father's name was Anthony, which is my middle name. He died when I was about 10, I believe. My mother's name was Elizabeth. Our last name was Masen. My family owned a pharmacy in Chicago, which is how I got into the field in the first place."

"I studied pharmacy in college, and after I graduated, I went to work immediately in our family drugstore. The fact that I was my mother's sole support kept me from being consigned into World War I. My mother was incredibly relieved because she was terrified that I would be killed. I was an only child."

Entranced, I listened to his story, wanting to absorb any details he offered. "I had just started working when the flu took hold." Edward was silent a few moments after that. I took his hand and held it for the rest of the walk.

"The flu swept through the country very quickly. It was an epidemic of enormous magnitude. Carlisle was kept working day and night, and in fact became incredibly frustrated that he had to pretend to rest. The need for his services was so great, he desperately wanted to take every shift, but he knew he had to keep up the facade."

"My mother's illness dragged on; the flu wasted her. I visited her often, although I don't remember that either. Carlisle said it was how he and I came to know each other. He was impressed that I was a loving son. It helps to know how much I cared for my mother."

I squeezed his hand.

"I see her through Carlisle's memories sometimes. When she was first hospitalized, the flu hadn't ravaged her yet. If we're talking and he thinks of her, he always makes an effort to remember her as she was when we first met him. This way, I see her beauty and grace. That's yet another example of Carlisle's compassion."

"Edward, when Carlisle turned you...I'm assuming you had no say in the matter?"

He murmured, "You're right, I didn't. As I said, Carlisle was fond of both my mother and I. He did promise her."

"She couldn't have meant..." My voice trailed off. I almost said, "She couldn't have wanted this for you," but I realized how thoughtless that was.

Edward knew what I was referring to. "I don't know. I'm not even sure Carlisle was certain. Perhaps he used his interpretation of my mother's request as justification for what he did. It doesn't matter. I stopped worrying about it years ago," he said shortly.

"How...What was it like?"

He was silent for a moment. I was about to repeat the question when he said quietly, "Do you mean, the transformation?"

"Yes."

Edward had never spoken about this before. I kept my gaze on his face even though it wasn't wise for me to stop watching where I was walking. I wanted to see his expression while hearing what he said.

"I can only say it was excruciating. The venom courses through your veins and burns like nothing else on earth, or probably, in hell." He was silent again. "Carlisle stayed with me the whole time. Other than that, there's nothing more to say." I could see Edward preferred not to talk about it.  
I changed the subject a little. "Did you remain in Chicago?"  
"For a while. Carlisle took a leave from the hospital, feigning exhaustion. He had to stay with me first through the change, and then to simply watch over me. He immediately taught me his own lifestyle, living off of animals."  
"We stayed in Chicago for about another five years. In that time, Carlisle found Esme, who was near death in the hospital. She had fallen from a great height and broken her spine. He knew her slightly when she was human, and was also fond of her. Before she died, he also turned her. They have been deeply in love ever since."  
"We moved to Rochester, New York, as soon as Esme was able. It was one of many moves we had to make to preserve our secret. Rosalie joined our family in New York State. It was she who found Emmett," he said, skipping over any details of Rosalie's change. I didn't interrupt him.  
"He'd been mauled by a bear. Rosalie ran with him several hundred miles to get to Carlisle. I think she fell in love with him at first sight," he mused.  
"If newborn vampires have to be controlled, Emmett must have been quite a challenge," I said thoughtfully.  
Edward laughed. "Yes. It usually took both Carlisle and I together to keep him restrained. Fortunately, that wasn't often necessary. And ever since the beginning, Rosalie has had a taming effect on him. She calmed him down quicker and more effectively than any of us," he replied.  
I thought more about this: lovers joining together not as humans, but as vampires.  
"So, none of the couples in your family stayed together with one as a human and the other a vampire? Each was turned?" I asked curiously.  
Edward glanced at me sharply, probably guessing my meaning. "Esme, Emmett and Rosalie were nearly dead when they were found," he reminded me. "The only way to keep them alive, if that's what you can call this existence, was to change them."  
I tried to joke with him a little. "So, I suppose you're breaking new ground here, spending time with a human."  
He was silent for a minute. "I'm sure it's been done before. I don't really see what you're getting at."  
I shrugged my shoulders. "I guess what I mean is, I can see where vampire-vampire relationships would be easier."

Edward looked at me in puzzled amusement. "As are human-human relationships."

I burst out laughing. "Oh, no, trust me -- those are often _very_ difficult."

He smiled. "I'll take your word on that." He stopped in his tracks, and I thought perhaps we'd arrived, except there were still trees and bushes all around us. "But if you mean, why didn't I choose another vampire as my companion...well, prior to you, I never met anyone, human or immortal, who interested me enough to want them. You did, right from the start. And you gave me enough faith to take the chance, which is only a small part of your charm." Edward smiled that heart-stopping grin, and then lifted his hand to the side of my face. He stroked my cheek with his thumb.

For a moment, I couldn't say anything. I'm sure I had quite a goofy look on my face, but he was far too much of a gentleman to say anything about it.

I sighed. "I believe I've forgotten whatever thought I may have just had."

He leaned over and kissed me softly on the lips. "Does this help?"

"Not at all." I opened my eyes to see his face about an inch from mine, watching me intensely before my words made him smile again. "But that's okay. I'd rather kiss than think."

"Who wouldn't?"

We resumed walking, and Edward said, "We should be there in about five minutes."

"What's going to happen when we are?"

"Just wait." He wouldn't give anything else away.

Finally, I could see a break in the trees ahead of us. They ended at a clearing and formed a half-circle around a meadow. On the other side was a low grassy hill. The meadow itself was covered with wildflowers -- glorious kinds I'd never seen before, all in a swirl of delicate lavender, white and pink. The sun danced off the petals and the wild grass that grew between the blooms, which swayed calmly. It was small and perfect, and among the loveliest sights I'd seen since moving here.

I kept walking until I reached the flowers, stretching my hand to touch them in wonder. I thought maybe this was what he wanted to show me, since it certainly was beautiful enough in its own right. It took a moment for me to realize that Edward was no longer walking behind me; he'd stayed under the canopy, right at the edge of the trees.

I shaded my eyes and said questioningly, "Edward?" He told me to stay where I was, and then began removing his shirt.

That was shocking in itself. He wasn't wearing an undershirt, and the muscles of his chest shifted smoothly in tandem with his movement as he pulled out of the sleeves. My breath caught in my throat. Edward was sculpted perfectly to his height and build. Every muscle that I could see -- on his arms, his chest, his abdomen --- was defined and faultless.

And then he stepped out into the sun.

Within seconds, he seemed to absorb the light and then reflect it, his movements creating bright shimmers of color. It was like looking at a prism -- or maybe, tens of thousands of tiny prisms embedded in his body. I could see each color dance along his skin, but the movement of his arms and shoulders as he walked caused an almost refraction, where the colors bounced off of him and then shifted as he turned.

"Edward," I whispered. "You're beautiful."

With a look of disgust, he turned his head away. The brilliance of his skin in sunlight reminded him of how different he is; he didn't see the flawlessness of the colors and light, only that it made him hide, in shame if not for his own safety.

We sat in the grass and I brought his hand up in front of my face, looking at it closely. I wanted to find some answer to the question of how his skin could throw off colors like that. Even in his melancholy, Edward smiled at my inquisitiveness, explaining that no one had yet discovered any explanation, probably because of the impossibility of obtaining the samples necessary for close study.

I stroked his smooth, cold skin, now for the pleasure of touching him instead of curiosity. I marveled at how the texture could be so hard and yet so pliable, because clearly he had no problem moving. All of a sudden Edward laughed and I froze, thinking he was laughing at me. He wondered again why I assumed I'd done something wrong, and that conversation morphed into a discussion of my previous boyfriends, including Bill.

Something about Edward always compelled me to answer him honestly whenever he asked me anything. Maybe it was because my mind was the only one that remained silent in his presence; I don't know. Or maybe I intuitively trusted him with information about myself. That's not to say I was free of self-doubt.

I actually didn't mind talking about Bill to Edward; in fact, I wanted him to know the story. There was such a contrast between the turmoil of that relationship and the calmness I feel with Edward. Somehow, the physical threats he posed were nothing compared to the emotional damage from my mercifully brief time with Bill. I had a feeling that Edward wouldn't quite accept that, but I needed to tell him all the same. And I believed it was only fair to give him the details of my past. This was more than a relationship with Edward. Whatever it was -- I didn't even know if there was a name I could put to it -- had intensified, and it was solid. I thought it important to explain why other men hadn't worked out for me.

Of course, Edward might look 24, but he is in fact about a hundred years older than that. Which means he'd been born in another time and place, with older beliefs and social mores. That made my sexual history very different than his. I didn't put that together until now.

It wasn't as if I had slept with many men. There were only two, actually, and as it turned out, they were enormous mistakes. I stopped dwelling on that before Edward and I got together, and had started to accept that whatever I'd done, it led me to where I am today. It didn't make much sense to wish I could change those events. So I plunged ahead with my story, until I finally recalled Edward's words that vampires keep much of whom they are when they change. Of course, I remembered that after I spoke.

To say I panicked was an understatement. Edward did his best to calm me, even kissing me longer and harder than he ever had before. But a lack of self-confidence is an insidious poison. It snaked its way through my thoughts and my gut until I was sure that he was being Polite Edward, only humoring me until he could get me to Forks and dump my unvirginal self at my apartment.

I asked Edward to drive back, since I was so distracted I literally feared I'd cause an accident. We started home in silence, except for the rumbling of my stomach which alerted him to the lateness of the hour. He apologized for forgetting that I needed to eat, though hunger was the farthest thing from my mind. A small, defensive voice was internally monologuing that he should understand we'd come of age in vastly different times. And what was I supposed to do, lie to him? Mostly, I worried that I had ruined _us_, that I had somehow tossed him a piece of myself with enough density to break us, and I couldn't reel it back in.

I propped my elbow up on the door's armrest and kept my hand over my mouth, staring straight ahead. Almost unaware of it, I started to cry, small tears rolling noiselessly from my eyes. I felt, rather than saw, Edward's head snap around toward me; he must have smelled the tears.

"Bella! What is it?" he cried, turning to fully face me.

I couldn't answer at first, just closing my eyes and making a muffled sound, my hand still over my mouth.

Edward turned out on the side of the road and pulled up the emergency brake on the console. Taking my face between his hands, he pleaded, "Tell me why you're crying."

I finally looked him in the eyes and then moved his hands down with my own. I know what happens when I'm upset and I need to say something that's very important to me. It comes out all disconnected, and then I have to explain myself further, which only frustrates me. This would be no exception.

"I _don't_ 'hook up,' " I said, my voice snarling despite its wobble. "I _don't_ have indiscriminate sex. I'm not a player. I'm not a tease. The only 'benefit' my male friends get from me is my cooking. I made mistakes but I don't spend my time regretting them. Not as much as I used to, anyway. I wanted to tell you the truth about me. Plus I brought it up because..." and then I couldn't continue.

Edward was doing his best to keep up with me, and also trying not to look as confused as he surely felt. His only logical response was, "Because what?"

"Because I wanted to know about us some day!"  
He frowned. "You wanted to know if we would ever be lovers?"

"Yes, and God only knows what you think of me for _that_." I sobbed and turned my head away.

Taking my chin in his hand, he turned me to face him again. "I think you're normal." I couldn't bear his attempt to get me to smile.

"When we get back to Forks, can you stay with me for a little while? I'd like to talk more about this but it's too hard for me to do in the car." I was stalling, trying to sort out how I felt and what I wanted to say to him. I knew I also needed to hear that he wouldn't leave me right now.

Edward nodded gravely. "I agree. I'd prefer that, too." He lowered the emergency break and shifted into first gear, pulling off the road without looking, as always. Quickly, he turned his face to me again. "For the record, though, those things you defended yourself against? I have not thought you to be any of them, not a one."

Somewhat reassured, I still fretted over what would happen next. I was angry, hurt, scared and worried -- an ugly stew of anxiety. It was difficult to be rational. Or maybe I shouldn't be rational. Feelings often aren't; why not just go with that?

At the house, Edward followed me up the stairs, equally silent while I unlocked the door. Faith immediately ran over, ignoring him and rubbing against my legs while meowing in her pitiful "I'm starving" voice. I leaned over and swept up her dish, then picked up the box of cat food.

Before I could pour it, Edward stopped me and said, "Let me feed the cat. Feed yourself -- you must be just as hungry."

I handed him the box and said, "That's not a bad idea. She'll come to like you if you give her food."

I grabbed a ham steak from the fridge and pulled out eggs and milk. I wanted comfort food right now, and ham, eggs and toast would do it.

Faith looked at Edward with interest once she saw her food dish in his hands. Hunger surpassed her distaste for him; she ran over and launched into the cat food without coming up for air. He took a seat and waited quietly while I set up the broiler and mixed some eggs with milk.

Soon, the kitchen was redolent with the crisp, salty smell of ham. Edward silently picked my bread out of the toaster and spread the slices with butter, setting them carefully on the edge of my plate. I lifted the eggs out of the skillet and opened the broiler to pull out the tray. I didn't grasp it as hard as I should; it tipped sideways and as I moved to right it, my forearm got burned on the hot metal.

"OW! _Crap_!" The tears of frustration came easily.

Edward was at my side so swiftly I didn't see him move. "Here," he said, tugging my hand gently toward the sink. "Let's get that under cold running water." He looked at me out of the corner of his eyes as more tears slid down my cheeks. Once the water was on and my arm was underneath the tap, he turned to me and wiped away my tears. He kissed me by my left ear, then leaned his head against mine.

"Thanks," I said softly. I went to the bathroom and got the petroleum jelly for my future blister. When I returned to the table, Edward was there waiting for me. He had organized my food on the plate and set it down.

"I suppose if you were that disgusted with me, you wouldn't have come here after we got back to Forks," I noted.

He regarded me carefully. "What will get me in less trouble: if I agree with you calmly, or start arguing with you right now over what you're already implying?"

"Hmmm..." I looked at the ceiling and tapped the fork against my chin. Then I thought that perhaps this discussion wouldn't be well served by sarcasm. In the meantime, I could see Edward getting restless.

"You are way too reliant on reading people's thoughts," I observed.

"Don't change the subject."

"I didn't intend to but you have that impatient look on your face, so I wanted to tell you first that I'm thinking."

"Okay. I'll wait. Just remember, I have to be in work tonight by 11."

I made a face at him, though somewhere in my chest I felt a tiny bit of lightness. If we could tease each other as we usually do, maybe everything would be okay.

I put a forkful of eggs in my mouth, swallowed and then began. "When I discussed my rather unremarkable sex life with you, I completely forgot that you were born in a time where sex had a much different role in people's lives. Then I remembered your statement that when vampires change, the essential parts of their personality stay with them."

Edward watched me but said nothing. "And when I started talking about my old boyfriends, I knew I felt something different about your posture. You tensed up. A little later, I put it together. You disapprove of me." I kept my gaze level with his, wordlessly challenging him to tell me I was wrong.

He looked shocked but still didn't respond. "So these are the ways in which I'm looking at it. I don't want to regret anything I tell you. At the same time, I know this information bothers you. But those are the consequences. I won't apologize for my past because they're my mistakes and I've learned from them. Yet I somehow feel like I should apologize to you for offending you, and seek your forgiveness." I said those last words in an exaggerated manner to let him know I realized my viewpoint there was a little skewed. "I'm trying to respect your beliefs and your mores without disrespecting my own."

"But what bothers _me_ the most," I continued, "is that now I feel as if every time I extend myself to you physically, you're going to think I'm trying to force my desire on you. And if I don't show you physically how much I care for you, you'll think I'm not interested, or worse, you'll think I really am repulsed by what you are." I let those words hang, again daring him to correct me.

"I want to believe you when you say your only real concern about being intimate is that you'll hurt me somehow. I don't want to think you don't want me because I've been with other men." My voice quavered with those remaining words. I looked down and moved my food around on my plate.

"Are you finished?" Edward asked softly.

"No. I have more eggs here."

I practically heard his eyes roll. "That's not what I meant--"

"I know what you meant. I'm sorry," I said, looking up. "I thought all the way home about what I wanted to say. I guess, ultimately, what came out is how unsure I am after this afternoon." I stared at him intently, feeling the tears yet again. "I don't know what you _think_ of me now. And Edward, that's so important to me." I hated feeling so weak, but there was no point in denying this.

I read sadness in his eyes. "Please say something," I sighed.

Edward extended his hand to me over the table. "You're right; you shouldn't have to apologize for your past," he said. Not a bad start, but not exactly what I wanted to hear. "I don't expect you to do that, honestly. I knew other differences between us were bound to exist." He grimaced and turned away for a second.

"I regret so much the things I cannot give you. If this was all less..._complicated_ for me, we wouldn't even need to have this discussion." I was so tempted to say, _You're _making_ it complicated. Plus, stop moaning over things we can't change._ I kept my mouth shut, though; it was his turn to talk.

"I did come from a different time. I was raised in the early 1900s, with everything that means. So, yes, some of the virtues from that bygone era are still a part of me. I can't say these aspects of your life don't distress me." He watched me carefully as he elaborated on our earlier conversation. Involuntarily, I drew in my breath.

"Please, never think that I don't want you. I _am_ very attracted to you, man to woman," he said, gripping my hand harder as he spoke these words. "That has always been true, and it remains so now." He touched my cheek with the tips of his other fingers.

"So as I said to you in the meadow, I know at least a part of it is jealousy, and anger that we even have to worry about all this. It might be all jealousy. Also, for the record, I'm incredulous that these men didn't appreciate you. If I were any of them, I would never have let you go." Edward's eyes burned with a low but intense flame.

I couldn't help but skip over his passionate words and dwell on the negative. "Does it bother you enough to keep you away?" I asked -- ironically, the very thing I wanted to know after he told me of how he _did_ want me, in a different way.

"No." He said it calmly but firmly. "It doesn't. I spent a long time looking for you, not even aware that I was doing it. I waited because I wouldn't settle for something I didn't want. I knew you would be special. I won't let this get in the way." I kept my eyes on his face, scrutinizing his expression, watching for anything that could make his words a lie.

"I'm scared," I admitted. He raised his eyebrows. "I want to believe you, but historically...I haven't had the benefit of someone just accepting me like I am."

Edward squeezed my hand. "I'm different than those other men." As soon as he said it, I started laughing. He realized the double meaning and chuckled too, relief at my giggling showing on his face.

"See, and you always think that's a bad thing," I teased.

He pulled me up from my chair and held me, balancing his chin on my head. "You said to me a short time ago that we should simply see how it goes. I thought it was a good plan then, and I think it is now, too." Edward moved his head back and put his hand on the side of my face to tilt it toward him. "This may sound incredibly odd coming from me, but I don't want you to be scared. Not about this, anyway."

"Easier said than done." He scowled at my response. "Promise me we'll talk more about this," I said emotionally.

"Of course, if you want to," he said, combing his elegant fingers through my hair.

"It's important." I glanced at the floor before turning my face up to his. "You told me all the things you don't think -- everything I said that you don't agree with -- but you never really answered me when I told you how much it matters to me, what you think of me." _Don't flinch, don't waver,_ I begged him silently.

He kept gently tucking my hair behind my shoulders, silent for a second. "If I didn't think highly of you, I would not have pursued you."  
I shook my head. "No, I'm talking about now." I hoped I didn't regret pushing him like this.  
"Of course I still do," he said softly.  
"...but?" I said.  
"You are determined to believe the worst, aren't you?"  
"Old habit -- probably older than you, even." I waited.  
Edward sighed. "Well, then, I will try to explain this to you as thoroughly as I can. Please listen carefully." His lips twitched somewhat mischievously, then he was serious once more. "As you have graciously reminded me, I'm _old,_ and old-fashioned. But I'm living in a new century, and many ideals have changed in the last hundred years. I'm well aware that I'm anachronistic. Still, as you have noted about yourself, I'm not entirely sure I want to change all that much about my personality. I hold to my beliefs, and I make no apologies for them."  
"But you have extended yourself to me in so many ways, and you have been far more accepting of me than I could ever hope. I told you plainly that I am..." I didn't miss the hesitation here... "troubled by what you told me, though certainly not by your honesty. I can keep it in perspective. And I know enough about love to realize that compromise is important." He slid his hands down my arms and held me near my elbows. "Is that clearer?"

"Say that again."

"What, all of it?" He started to recite it from the beginning.

"Nnnnooo, just that last sentence, before the question."  
" 'And I know enough about love to realize that compromise is important.' " His hands slipped around to my back and he pulled me closer. "Is that what you asked me to repeat? I'll say it as often as you want."  
"What do you mean?" I whispered.  
"Do you doubt it now?" he asked, also whispering.

"I don't doubt how I feel. I love _you_, Edward." I could be brave when I needed to be.  
I heard his sharp gulp of air. This unnecessary action from a man who didn't breathe told me more than his words.  
"Isabella Swan, I love you. All of you, your past, your present, and I ardently hope, your future." He leaned down swiftly and kissed me, hard and long. His lips, so chilly and yet so warm, pressed against my own, moving firmly, masterfully. I felt everything he put into it, the passion and the desire, and I didn't need to worry about my own response and what it should be. I knew love was there, and not only because he'd just said it. I felt it. I _knew_ it.

"Bella," he said, his voice strained. "I can't...I don't know how to tell you how much..." His lips shifted to my jaw and down my neck. Before I could think, he moved smoothly to my shoulder and collarbone, gently gliding back up to my face.  
All I could do was gasp, "Edward." I wanted to respond to the thought he couldn't complete, but his lips on my throat, my face and my eyes was making that impossible. My hands came up around his face, and I kissed him fiercely. I was crying again, though finally for different reasons. "I do know. You've shown me." His face was glowing with an agonized passion, beautiful as ever.

I wouldn't say my worries were over. They never would be; Edward and I were the kind of people for whom that couldn't happen. In this instant, though, all of that receded and disappeared. We had a moment of perfection without any thought of what may lie ahead, or what was behind us. He didn't object when I pressed myself closer into him than I'd ever dared to before. Right now, we could be two people in love and enjoy the simple completeness that it brought.

When he had to leave for work, he said, "At least we'll see each other in the morning."

"That's right -- I forgot! I'll get there right as you're leaving. It's only about ten minutes, though," I said, frowning in mock unhappiness. "Can you find the time to come over when I'm done with work?"

"Wait, let me check." He pretended to pull a day planner out of his back pocket. "Tonight: Bella. Tomorrow morning: Bella. Late tomorrow afternoon: Bella. All my entries seem to be the same."

"Mine too, although they say Edward." Then I grimaced. "Except for next Saturday, when I see the name Alice right next to the word _shopping._"

Edward laughed. "I'll be there to send you off and then greet you when you're back."

"Bring the Epsom salts and a basin for my feet."

He smoothed back my hair. "May I have one more kiss before I leave?"

"Nah. I think you've had enough." I struggled to say this with a straight face, but it was worth it to see Edward's expression. I burst out laughing.

"Oh jeez, I'm _kidding!_ I'm sorry!"

He pursed his lips, though his eyes were smiling. "That wasn't very nice."

I hugged him hard -- as hard as I could, although to Edward, it probably felt about as forceful as shoelaces tugging at his waist. "I would never say that seriously." I pulled back to look at his face. "You know that, right?"

He didn't reply, he just kissed me again. Good answer.

I was looking forward to spending time with Alice so I could get to know her, though I'm only a so-so shopper. I tend to get frustrated easily because I rarely find clothes I like, and I was somewhat concerned because I had no idea how much Edward and Emmett were exaggerating about Alice's determination to hit up every store in the region.

Toward the end of the week, I found that Alice had done me a favor in booking our date. Edward explained that he'd come with Alice on Saturday, see us off and then return home to wait for us.

"How will you get back to your house?"

"I'll run," he replied.

"Ah, right. I forget sometimes how much you love that, Speedy Gonzalez."

This came shortly after Edward mentioned that he missed watching me sleep. Since we were spending so much time together, he didn't come at night as he used to. (Not that I knew of, anyway.) It seemed silly for him to leave on Friday evening and then drive back with his sister on Saturday morning.

"Hey, I have an idea," I said. "Why don't you just stay over on Friday night?" I wanted to see how he would respond to this invitation. He looked less shocked than I thought.

"For the record, I don't have anything improper in mind," I continued, regarding him pointedly with my arms crossed. "But you used to do this all the time without my permission, and you've said you miss the exciting experience of seeing me sleep. Plus, it's practical. We were planning to be together on Friday evening anyway. You can stay here, run home after Alice picks me up and then I'll see you later on Saturday, or Sunday, or whenever I manage to talk her into leaving the mall." I tossed a dish towel on the counter, trying to look casual.

"That does make a certain amount of sense." He frowned only slightly. "Do you really want me here?"

"I wouldn't ask you if I didn't. Do you want to stay here?"

He put his arms around me. "Of _course_ I do."

"Then it's settled." I started clapping my hands. "We can do each other's hair, and make brownies, and listen to the Jonas Brothers, and have a pillow fight, and I'll pick up some nail polish so we can give each other manicures..."

"As long as you remove it before Alice gets here."

More time with Edward was always a win, even though I'd be asleep during most of it. After work on Friday, he greeted me at my door with an enormous plate of brownies.

"At least I know you take me seriously, even when you shouldn't. I'll be eating these until Christmas, Edward!" I laughed and took the plate away.

"I told Esme you wanted brownies tonight. She went a little nuts."

It was a nice, quiet evening; we read and listened to music. Edward was educating me on classical compositions, and he brought some of his CDs. He frowned in disapproval of my antiquated stereo system and complained that I wouldn't be able to fully appreciate the quality without the proper audio.

"It's on my list of things I'd like to get. I haven't been able to buy one yet; I just got another car. Besides, I wouldn't want some cranked-up Brandenburg concerto -- Bach's work, incidentally -- to blow poor Mrs. Farrelly out of her kitchen window," I explained.

He nodded in acknowledgement of my correct composer citation and then turned back to his book. Carefully avoiding my gaze, he asked casually, "What else is on that list?"

I shrugged. "An alarm clock radio -- something with a potent noise to get me out of bed on time. Some more books I can get for Ellen to use for the literacy program, and some novels for myself, I guess. Maybe a new bike at some point, although my current one does fine so that's not really a priority. A new lawn mower for my landlady, because the one she has dates back to the Truman administration. And maybe...." I gazed off in the distance, a dreamy look on my face..."a set of matching dinner plates." I sighed.

"A woman's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a heaven for?" Edward quoted in amusement. "That's all? There's not really much you want, especially for yourself."

"Nope. There isn't." I smiled and touched his face. "I already have what I need, so don't get any ideas," I warned him. "You've already bought a coffee pot for me and a future for Faith. Forget about anything else."

"What if it made me incredibly happy to give you a gift every so often?" he asked, only half joking.

"Depends on the gift. Take me to a movie once in a while -- that's fine."

"That's not a gift, that's a date," he protested.

I shrugged my shoulders again. "You really don't have to do anything like that. This right here -- you with me, the gift of your time -- that's enough."

"I have plenty of time. And, honestly, I have plenty of other things, too. There's a lot I'd like to do for you," he said, his voice dropping to a murmur with that last sentence.

"You're very thoughtful, but please don't," I said, leaning over to kiss his cheek and rub his arm. I always wondered how my lips or hands felt to him, on his skin. Even though I was quite used to his chilly body temperature, I still felt a compulsion to try and warm him up sometimes.

Edward frowned at my comment but didn't say anything else until I yawned. He nudged me gently and said, "It's 10:30. Maybe you should get to bed."

It had been a busy week at work -- a seemingly endless flow of admissions, surgeries, and changing protocols for existing patients, all of which required new medications. I nodded my head in sleepy agreement and padded off to start my bedtime routine.

Here was something I had previously not considered: what would I wear to bed with Edward? Well, that's not exactly true; I _had_ thought about that, but within somewhat different circumstances. Wait -- would he even accompany me to bed, however chastely? Maybe he'd sit in the living room and read all night.

It was still cold outside, so I decided to grab an old pair of sweatpants and a baggy long-sleeved shirt. I left the bathroom to retrieve the sleepwear from my dresser and saw Edward already sitting on my bed, reading "Bleak House." Perhaps in response to my willingness to learn about classical music, he had picked up Dickens after noting several of the author's novels in my small collection. Wordlessly, I returned to the bathroom and brushed my teeth.

"Did you want to continue reading?" I asked afterward. I motioned to the light. "Honestly, I'm not sure I'll be able to sleep with that on."

"You can turn it off. I can read without it."

"Really? Wow, being a vampire does have its advantages."

He smiled grimly. "They aren't many, but yes, the sharp vision is nice."

"And the speed."

He nodded.

"And you never have to go to the doctor or dentist." I climbed under the covers and lay with my left arm underneath my pillow, watching him.

"True."

"You never spend anything on groceries. You don't even have to drive if you don't want to."

"Is there a point to this?" He looked down at me curiously.

"Just more positive reinforcement." I wondered if he realized I was babbling because I was nervous.

He shook his head in amusement. I was about to stretch up and kiss him but he put his book down and motioned for me to lie back on the pillow. "Do you mind if I hold you while you fall asleep? I can stay mostly on top of the covers so you don't get cold," he said, sounding almost shy.

"Do I _mind?_ No, I do not _mind._" I chuckled softly. "That would be wonderful." He settled in next to me and slid an arm underneath my pillow, bending at the elbow so he could hold my hand. His left arm came around my body at my waist, on top of the comforter. We faced each other and although my eyesight wasn't anywhere near as good as his, I knew he wore a very satisfied smile. I shared the same expression.

In a few minutes we stopped grinning like idiots and lay there searching each other's faces. He lifted his hand off the top of the blanket and gently traced the side of my face, then stroked my cheek. We moved toward each other simultaneously and our lips met at the edge of the pillow. This was sweetness itself: to kiss him goodnight and know it didn't also mean goodbye.

I heard Edward sigh. "Goodnight, Bella," he said quietly.

"Goodnight, Edward."

I slept soundly, never waking once overnight. Faith skipped her morning routine of jumping on me if I didn't wake up to feed her early enough. I would have stayed unconscious, but the unmistakably delicious aroma of coffee roused me. Edward wasn't in the bedroom. I sat up, a little confused until I heard music coming from the kitchen.

Throwing on my bathrobe, I glanced at the clock: 8:10 a.m. Edward had offered to reinforce the alarm and wake me between 8 and 8:30 so I would have enough time to eat and get ready for Alice's arrival. I figured he was in the kitchen, so I walked down the hall and was greeted with the sight of Edward cooking eggs at my small stove. He stood there waiting for me, holding a spatula and smiling as if he'd been wanting to do this his entire life.

Is there anything more seductive than a man who's cooking? And Edward had to be the most seductive man of all. I didn't know whether to laugh or melt.

"You cooked breakfast for me!" I croaked. My voice is a little fractured in the morning.

He greeted me with a kiss. "I was going to let you sleep a little more. Yes, I'm making you some eggs and toast, and some fruit. Faith has been fed, sufficiently, I believe. Sit down," he said, guiding me to a chair.

The eggs crackled and spit in the frying pan. "I haven't poured your coffee yet because I thought you were still asleep," he said apologetically.

Haven't _poured_ my coffee yet? Oh my God. Even my sarcastic heart wasn't black enough to tease him about failing the Boyfriend 101 course. "I think I can handle that," I said, standing up to get to the coffee pot.

"No, no! Stay there. I can leave the eggs for a second." He shooed me back to my seat and then brought me a mug of coffee. The sugar and milk were already on the table.

Deftly, he tipped the pan sideways just enough to slide the eggs onto a plate. They were cooked once over easy; the toast was on the side of the plate.

"I believe this is how you like them," he said as he put the plate in front of me.

"Egg-sactly," I said, then winced and look at him for the abuse that was sure to come.

But Edward just laughed and ruffled my hair in affection. He sat down opposite me, eagerly awaiting a verdict.

I looked at him lovingly. "Edward, this is so nice of you. I don't know what to say."

"Don't say anything. Just eat and let me know if I got it right."

I pierced an egg with my fork and dipped a piece of toast in the yolk. Of course the bread was perfect; not too dark and not too light. Everything was delicious. He had even remembered to set out a small bottle of hot sauce, which I always use with my eggs.

"Mmmmmmmm," I said, closing my eyes. "Thank you; this is amazing. You are so thoughtful." He would have been blushing if he could. Those dark lashes swept along his lower lids as he glanced down, a triumphant smile on his face. I was so touched I couldn't speak for a moment.

"Why is it that for people who don't even eat, you and your family are the best cooks?" I asked him, grabbing his hand.

Edward laced his fingers through mine. "It's sort of like chemistry. If you balance the ingredients right, it comes out the way you want it to." He seemed very satisfied that I was eating every speck of food on my plate.

I wanted to clean up the dishes -- it seemed only fair, considering he cooked -- but he refused. He told me to get ready for Alice ("as if anyone can every be truly ready for Alice," he added ruefully) and began organizing everything to wash. I debated how much I should fight him on it, then kissed him again and left for the bathroom.

Exactly at 10, Edward said "She's here" without looking up from his book. Sighing, I grabbed my jacket and purse and said, "Is this really going to be as bad as everyone says it is?"

"That depends. Do you like or fear shopping?"  
"Somewhere in between."

"Then it won't be that bad, but you'll be very glad when it's over."

A car horn honked outside. "Patient as ever, Alice," Edward chuckled.

We walked downstairs and Alice waved to us feverishly from her car, a Mercedes Benz CL65-AMG. That was a nice little ride for a trip to the mall. I waved back to her and said, "Hey, Alice!" I was nervous about being with her for all these hours -- not out of fear for my safety, but simply because she was such a ball of energy, and I wasn't sure I could keep up. And what would we talk about?

Edward held my hands and kissed me gently. "I will see you later. Have fun," he said softly. He gazed into my eyes as he spoke to his sister. "Alice, do _not_ wear her out. And whatever you do, remember to get her something to eat and drink every few hours," he said severely.

Alice rolled her eyes. "Yes, yes, yes. Come on, Bella!" she commanded, giggling. "The stores are already open!"

"Bye," I squeaked to Edward, who watched as we drove away.

"So Edward stayed with you last night! That's so great," she said enthusiastically.

This was an up-front way to start. "Yes, it was really nice. I mean, it only seemed to make sense, since he wanted to be here when you came to get me," I said.

"Exactly!" she enthused. "I told him it would be fine."

"He talked about it with you?"

"I saw it and I told him. He was really relieved," she said. _I should have known_, I thought, amused.

"He's probably wanted to stay over for a long time but wasn't sure. You know Edward," she said, waving her hand and laughing.

"Did you see it on your own or did he ask you?" I wondered.

"On my own -- I guess it came to me once you made up your mind. That's usually how it happens." She spoke so matter of factly, we could have been talking about anything besides her paranormal gifts.

We were heading toward an upscale mall just west of Seattle, so we had many miles ahead of us. Alice drove like her brother though, which cut back on the travel time substantially. She knew when to be careful if a patrolman was in the area.

My worries about conversation were unfounded. I asked her a basic question about her life, and she took off.

"I don't remember anything about being human," she said. "I know I was institutionalized at the time I was changed, but I have no memory of who did it, or why, or anything like that. I was alone after it happened, and then I left the hospital where I'd been." There was no trace of anger or sorrow in her voice.

"Oh Alice, that's awful. I'm so sorry," I said sympathetically. "If you don't want to talk about this, I understand."

"No, it doesn't bother me," she said. "Besides, I already know you can be trusted." She smiled before resuming her story.

"I remember a lot of dark -- I mean literally, being in a dark room. After my transformation, I left. I broke through the door and ran. They couldn't catch me." Like Edward, she skirted the issue of exactly what she went through in the process of becoming immortal. I was curious about why they were so reluctant to talk about it, but I knew that anything she told me could be heard by Edward in her thoughts, and I didn't want to cause any problems between them. I let her tell her history as she wanted.

"I was having visions almost immediately. It was very confusing at first, until I learned what they meant and how they came to me. I began understanding that I could see things once people set their intention. If they changed their minds or decided something on the spur of the moment, it usually doesn't appear to me."

"I saw that I would meet Jasper, and that he would be my mate. I'm not exactly sure how that came about; how could he know to meet me if he didn't know I existed? But I don't question it," she added. "I went to Philadelphia because I knew he'd come there. We met in the plaza in front of Independence Hall." Alice smiled at the memory. "I took his hand and told him I'd been looking for him. And he apologized for keeping me waiting! That's my Southern man."

"At the time, Carlisle and the family were living near Philadelphia. This was around 1950. We went to join them and we've been with them ever since," she added. I was certain there were some things she was leaving out, but I still felt warmed that she was comfortable enough with me to tell me this part of her life.

Our conversation moved on to more mundane things, such as fashion, music and books. Alice also liked to read, although her preference was contemporary fiction. Jasper, on the other hand, loved the ancient classics.

We arrived at the mall and parked; of course, it was as cloudy as Alice predicted, so we weren't concerned about the walk from the car. She held a map of the mall in her hands and motioned to the listing of stores. "Where would you like to go first?"

"There's an Anthropologie here. I usually like what they have."

To my relief, Alice nodded her head in approval. "That's a good place for our initial expedition. We can start off small."

Small? We'd be looking at dresses priced north of $150. That wasn't small to me. I was pretty sure I wouldn't be buying anything; I just came to be with her.

I headed straight for a rack of dresses and immediately found a loose sweater dress that I liked. Alice shook her head. "With your petite frame? You'd drown in that."

"Can't I at least try it on and see?"  
"Okay, but it won't do anything for you. Now this," she said, pulling out a form-fitting shift with cap sleeves, "would look perfect on you. It's the right cut for you, and it's a really nice shade of red, which you can wear, Miss Brunette."

I found a peasant skirt in the sale rack that looked like it had possibilities. Alice disagreed.

"That's too much for you -- way too busy. Maybe if it was shorter...no, even then, you could do better." I was beginning to feel very deficient in my so-called fashion sense.

"Stay out of the sale racks! The clothes on the floor are much better," she scolded me.

"Alice, I can't afford any of those other dresses."

"Don't worry about it. I asked you to go shopping; it's on me."

I gasped. "I can't let you do that!"

"Of course you can," she said dismissively. "Really, it's been so long since I've had the chance to do anything like this. Rosalie's _reeeeally_ set in what she likes, and Esme takes her role as mom too seriously. She's way beyond the fun stuff. And the guys..well, don't get me started. You're doing me a favor," she said, pulling me toward some blouses.

What Alice lacked in height, she made up in determination. After finding several tops and a few sweaters for me, she dragged me off to the dressing rooms.

"What about you? You didn't find anything," I protested.

"I prefer Barney's, so I'll wait until we get there."  
I had to hand it her, she was very good at this. The sweater dress I liked was about as attractive as a muumuu. But the dress that Alice picked out, which was relatively shapeless on the hanger, fit me perfectly.  
I had more issues with the sweaters she chose. "These are a little more snug than I usually wear them," I confessed, uncomfortable.  
"They're not tight. Honestly," she assured me. "You are too small to wear anything baggy. Besides," she said with a knowing smile, "Edward will like these on you.

I knew she meant to encourage me, but I turned away after a brief smile. The thought of Edward appreciating me in form-fitting clothing was too ironic after the painful conversation we had last weekend. Alice was confused, then awareness cleared her features.  
"I'm sorry. I know that's kind of a sore subject for you," she said apologetically.  
We were still in the dressing room, and I carefully pulled off the sweater. "Did Edward tell you about that?" I asked.  
"No, I just...knew." She looked at me with some concern. "Are you okay?"

"Sure, I'm fine, Alice." I put my shirt and hoodie back on. "I don't mind talking about it. I'm just not sure what to say." I shrugged.

Alice hesitated for a minute. I was very afraid we were going to have a conversation about my non-virginity right here in Anthropologie, but thankfully, she brought up the other issue.

"Edward...well, you know he worries. A lot of times, he stresses over nothing. But he's got some valid concerns here," she said, staring straight in my eyes. "Bella, if he was that close and he lost it...you know, strength or thirst..." her voice trailed off and she looked away. "I think he's got better control than _he_ thinks he does, but I understand why he doesn't want to take the chance. If it was me and Jasper, I'd feel the same way." She took my hand in hers. "He'd rather die than hurt you."

I nodded. "I know. It's just hard. Everything is unchartered territory, Alice." I sighed and squeezed her hand. "In any case, it's not a dealbreaker for me."  
Alice grinned. "I'm so relieved to hear you say that." Her voice dropped to an earnest whisper. "He really loves you."  
"And I really love him," I whispered back. I held up the sweaters and dress. "You know what? I like these. Let's get them and head over to Barney's."

When we arrived, Alice made a beeline for the shoe department. I wandered around and found some pretty black flats, only to see the price tag of $350. Horrified, I dropped them back on the display platform. I found her trawling through a pile of shoes and boots with labels like Christian Louboutin, Manolo Blahnik, Stella McCartney, and Prada.  
"Is there enough time in the world to try all these on? I was hoping to see your brother tonight," I teased.  
"Well, then, help me out! Find something in your size," she urged.  
"Alice, these are insanely expensive," I said, laughing self-consciously.  
"Stop it! You have to get something to go with that dress," she insisted.  
"Fine, but it'll be off the sale racks," I said firmly, while she groaned.  
The clothing departments were even worse. I found some pants and a top I fell in love with, only to see they were by Marc Jacobs and the shirt alone was $850. I shoved it away from me as if it had burst into flames.  
Alice came running over to me. "There you are! Did you find anything?"  
"Ummm...no...What do you have there?"  
"Oh, I grabbed this great little dress by Christopher Kane!" I'd never heard of that designer, of course, but the dress was frilly and flouncy and totally Alice. "And here -- try this on!" She held out a turtleneck that was a lovely deep plum color. "Now _this_ is a sweater. And the jewel tone is perfect for you. You need to get away from the beige and black." She frowned at me.

By habit, I grabbed the price tag. "Alice..."

She put her cold hand over my mouth. "Not a word. I'll bet anything it'll look like it's made for you."

The only way I could get her to stop was to plead hunger. And I did need something to eat. We paid for the clothes (well, she did) and Alice directed me to Neiman Marcus.

"They have a great restaurant there," she said. "And we can look around when you're done."

"How would you know if the restaurant is good?" I asked, amused.

"I hear things. C'mon, let's go. The sooner you eat, the sooner we can get back in the stores."

Alice ordered a salad and some water, which she subtly pushed toward me. I asked for a cheeseburger. In between bites, I texted Edward.

_love you_

_miss you_

_P.S. I'm holding up fine. Am also falling in love with Alice._

The reply came almost immediately:

_love you too_

_miss you too_

_cherish you also_

_glad it's going well. and everyone with your wisdom falls in love with Alice._

I finished my lunch, and we wandered over to accessories. Alice found a funky Botkier bag, and I came across a leather Cole Haan tote that I really, really liked. I tried to explain to her that normally, my handbag fantasies center around Coach because that's about as expensive as I can imagine, but she grabbed both purses and headed for the register.

"Move it," she instructed. "The sooner we finalize these decisions, the quicker we can head to another store."

"Alice," I mumbled, "really, this is too much."

"_Bella._" Alice stopped -- for once -- and I almost bumped into her. "Please. You have no idea how much fun this is for me. Money is the least of our worries so let's just enjoy it. Okay?"

"I-"

"No more!" She pirouetted toward the register, then turned back to me. "Could you do me one favor, though? And we'll call it even?"

My eyes widened in relief. "Of course!" What could I possibly do to settle the tab? She had to have racked up thousands on that credit card.

"Please accept Edward's generosity. Graciously." Alice's lovely golden gaze turned serious. "There's so much he wants to do for you, but all he sees is what he can't give you. You know how he is. If he wants to buy something for you once in a while, _let him do it._"

My cheeks burned. "I'm really not used to that, Alice. I know it comes from a good place, but it makes me uncomfortable."

She put her hand on my arm gently. "Could you kind of overlook that? For his sake?"

I regarded her affectionately. "You're pulling out all the stops here, aren't you?"

She smiled impishly. "I'd _really_ like to see the both of you happy. I know you deserve it. And God knows, we were all sick of Edward moping all the time. Since you've been together, he's all...fulfilled. More at peace. The rest of us would do whatever it takes to maintain that." She raised her eyebrows. "So, please, try not to kick up a fuss when he gives you a present out of the blue. Do it for me, if you have to!" Alice clasped her hands together and fluttered her eyelashes at me. "_Will_ you?"

I laughed. "I cannot possibly resist the two of you joining forces against me." We resumed walking toward a sales assistant and I smiled mischievously with a new idea. " 'Hey Edward! When you hear Alice thinking back on today, make sure you listen to this part. It's not that I don't love your thoughtfulness, it's just that I'm too independent to accept these things without a fight.' There," I said, turning to Alice with exaggerated satisfaction. "If it comes through you, maybe he'll believe me."

****

**A/N: This chapter includes a few crucial moments for Edward and Bella. The most important thing, I think, was Edward initiating his declaration of love; although --uncertain to his very core -- he threw it out there but waited to see if Bella would actually say it. Frankly, this scene was difficult for me to write. I have found that to be true for my writing in general: the romantic interactions don't seem to come very easily. I've thought a lot about that, and I've come to the conclusion that I become uncomfortable putting words to love scenes. It's as if I'm ruining the emotion and intimacy by attempting to describe it. Words can't always do justice to what you feel. So, I'm very curious to hear what you think. Was it enough? Not enough? Poorly detailed? Please use **_**your**_** words and tell me.**

**"A woman's reach should exceed her grasp, or what's a heaven for?" Edward paraphrased this famous quote from Robert Browning. I liked the idea of him choosing a poet who knew the value and challenges of a strong, faithful and enduring love.**

**Wouldn't "Conversing with Carlisle" make a great name for a talk show?**

**Once again, thank you for reading my story. Reviewers get a plate of Esme's brownies, delivered by Edward. Or, a shopping spree with Alice. Your choice.**


	18. Edward, Chapter 9

**I apologize for the length of time it took to get this chapter written! Once again, real life got the best of me. **

**Thanks to all of you who continue to read and review, and overall, support me. Special thanks to camilla, who helped with the citrus, and to my husband, who helps with everything else.**

**Chapter note: this begins as Edward is leaving Bella's apartment, on the evening of their day in the meadow. **

**Edward, Chapter 9**

She loves me. She _loves _me_._

Over and over, I remind myself of that. Nothing else should matter.

It was a relief to have that truth out, and to know for certain that Bella returns my feelings. I hadn't necessarily planned to tell her tonight, but given the difficulty of our conversation in the meadow, I wanted desperately to let her know how much she means to me. But I knew I used that truth to cover a half truth, if not an outright lie. I told her I love her to distract her from my pathetic misgivings. Over s_ex._

Thank whatever God there is that as Bella returned my declaration, we felt only love in that moment. I pushed aside my concern over how or why our background was different, and in that moment refused to worry about it. We were there together, in her little apartment, caught up in joy. My reluctance to leave Bella this evening wasn't only because I want to be with her so much. I knew that once I walked out her door, the doubt would return, as would the self-loathing for my inability to erase it.

I departed Bella's apartment in a silent car, not wanting my usual accompaniment of music. As the Volvo turned out of the driveway, I was already concerned that I'd hurt her, perhaps irrevocably. Already I missed her. Already I knew I loved her even more, if that was possible, for the courage she showed today.

Why wasn't that enough to negate one minute detail? Why was I letting it put a small blot on the greatest joy of my existence? Worry, perhaps, over how much it would get in the way? I lived through such aching loneliness, and finally the woman I adore told me she loves me too. I've wanted this for so long. I waited more than a century for Bella, and for a good part of that, I despaired that I would ever find her. Now, here I was, picking her apart.

She is perfect for me despite our obvious differences -- despite the fact that I am far from perfect for her. She accepts me wholly and unequivocably, down to the murderous instincts and monstrous traits that no one should tolerate, let alone embrace. This commitment we share makes us a couple, partners -- mates, even. And I risked ruining it with my caustic doubts and _egoism_.

I don't think I could go on without her. I had already become spoiled by Bella's easy acceptance of my predatory nature, my lifestyle, my cold, freakish skin. She has no idea how easy it is to love her in return. Bella constantly questioned her desirability, her own worth, even, and though my assurances were sincere, she knew her history troubled me. Her words from the earliest part of today taunted me, running through my mind in a continuous loop:

_You never expect or want me to be anyone but exactly who I am. You have no idea how important that is to me -- what a great gift that is._

A simple, principled and impassioned statement, and the most ardent sentiment I could ever want to hear from someone I love. Bella clearly told me the one thing I could provide in the midst of everything I had to deny her, and I was withholding it now. Despite all that she'd already given me, I could not forget the discrepancy between us that surpassed even my immortality and her humanity.

I was failing her.

On some level, I'd realized that as a 24 year-old woman in modern society, Bella would likely have some sexual experience. Hearing her talk about the men, though, felt like a thousand sharp stabs even as I awaited each word, wanting to know every page of her history.

I loved a woman who was...not pure? How could I judge Bella that way? She was goodness personified. So she'd made mistakes. Hadn't I made a few -- a few thousand, to be sure?

And of course, there was the incidental fact that my sexual experience amounted to nothing. As Bella ate her dinner and we talked, she pointed out the overriding truth about the situation. It was as accurate as if she had read _my_ mind.

"I feel like the whole conversation has made things uneven in a way that bugs you," she said directly. "You may be vampire and I may be human, but you're still a guy and I'm still a girl. I have experience that you don't, and aside from whether you even approve if it, you're disturbed by that difference."

Once again, she zeroed in on the essence of whatever hung suspended between us.

I didn't want this to overshadow all the happiness we could surely have, but I agonized that I was powerless to stop it. Bella was so optimistic. Time and again she demonstrated a faith in me that I never saw in myself, and I was always surprised to see she was right. Now, she needed me to take the lead on having faith. She would wait for me to prove to her that her past didn't diminish the sanctity of my love. I wanted very much to be the man who could do that, but I wasn't sure I trusted myself. I didn't know if I could push away the thought of who else had held her or, _oh God,_ been intimate with her, each time I kissed her.

Especially because we were so limited in our own physical relationship. So, I was back to jealousy.

I maneuvered the car into the garage and entered the house, wondering who was home. Carlisle and Esme must have gone out; Emmett and Rosalie were watching a movie downstairs. Emmett gave a brief wave and a smile, and Rose barely glanced at me before turning away with a snort. I detected Alice and Jasper on the second floor.

I ran up the stairs lightly at human speed, and was met at the top by an unexpected blur.

_Thwack!_ Alice smacked me in the arm with the heel of her hand.

"Hey!" I hadn't been paying attention to her thoughts very much on my way to my room. She was reading a book rather loudly in her head, no doubt to disguise her planned ambush.

_Thwack! Thwack! Thwackthwackthwack!_ She pounded me relentlessly. "Alice, what the _hell_--Stop hitting me!"

She growled, "If you screw this up, I will kill you."

"What are you talking about?" I asked even though I was certain I knew.

Alice dragged me down the hall and into my room. "Quit brooding!" she snapped. "You are going to overthink this and RUIN IT. Before Bella and I have even been shopping, probably!"

"Alice--"

She stood there glaring at me, and instead of speaking, communicated by thought. _Don't you _dare_ allow this to change _anything_ of how you feel about Bella. Are you looking for some reason to break up with her? _

"What? You don't know what you're saying," I whispered through gritted teeth.

_I think I do. I saw what happened in the meadow._

"Alice, I'm terrified of hurting or _killing _her."

_I'm not talking about that. Believe it or not I'm sympathetic to your concerns. I'm referring to what Bella told you. Edward! Don't be a jerk!_ She exhaled and took a threatening step toward me.

"You know I love her."

_Then you'd better mean what you told her in her apartment. She's done everything for you. You have never been happy -- no, get that look off your face and listen to me -- She's given you such peace, and I don't want to see you lose that over something as _senseless _as outdated sexist crap._

I sighed. "I promise you, I won't. I just have to sort it out in my own head."

Alice spoke again. "You'd better do that fast, or become an even better liar than you are. You know she'll see through you."

I nodded. "Oh, yes. She will."

Alice's expression softened a bit. _Think about this, Edward. Do you know anyone who is more moral than Bella? Aside from Carlisle?_

Thanks, Sis, for adding weight to my already overfed guilt. "No, I don't. It's part of why I love her."

_And what are the other reasons? Because she knows you and she loves you anyway? She accepts you exactly as you are, right? Are you going to deny her the same consideration?_

"I know. I _know_. I know I know I KNOW. I can't just turn off the way I've been for more than 100 years."

She narrowed her eyes. _Figure it out, Edward._

Then, in typical Alice fashion, her temper abated and she stood on her tiptoes to kiss my cheek.

I hugged her. "Thanks for, um, keeping it in your thoughts."

With a final smack -- lighter than the others -- Alice returned to her room and Jasper. I put on some music, now longing for the serenity it provided.

Only one person can calm me as effectively, and that is Bella. It was amazing how something so fraught with tension and uncertainty could also bring about the greatest peace I'd had in my immortal existence. When I first met Bella and had to be concerned with what she knew about us, I was extremely frustrated that I couldn't automatically read her mind. I still felt that on occasion. But the more time I spent with her, the more I discovered an upside to it that I hadn't considered. When she and I were together, the silence was blissful. There was no continuous chattering and noise. It was just Bella and I, and the only time I heard anything was if one of us spoke. Bella was not the type to talk if she didn't have something she felt was important to say. I didn't know I'd been missing that until I had it. Maybe that was one of the reasons I fell in love with her, for the respite her mere presence afforded me.

Alice didn't know Bella as well as I did, but she knew precisely that Bella would see through any pretenses I made of suddenly accepting everything she told me. From the start, Bella asked --demanded, actually -- that I tell her when something was bothering me, especially if it would not heal or go away by itself. At least we'd already started exploring this together.

Startled, I realized that I didn't have to go through this alone. Bella and I could work on it together. That gave me hope.

I was leaving for work when Alice grabbed me again. Thankfully, she didn't hit me this time. "Edward!" she squealed. "At the end of the week, it'll be so much better!"

"What's that, Alice?"

"You're going to sleep over at Bella's on Friday night!"

"What?" A sleepover for anyone past the age of 12 has certain connotations. _I do not think that means what you think it means,_ I said to myself wryly.

"You must have been daydreaming about spending more time with her. Or maybe she was thinking about you. Anyway, I suddenly saw the two of you on her bed, and then the lights went off and Bella fell asleep while you read." Alice saw my shocked expression and said, "Don't worry. Nothing happens, good _or_ bad. I mean," she added hastily, "you guys just have a nice time together. I guess then I'll pick her up the next morning and we'll take off."

I considered this. "Instead of coming home Friday night and returning with you on Saturday, I just stay there?"

Alice sighed. "Didn't I just say that? Yes. You'll be there all night. About time, too -- you spend almost every free moment there anyway." She danced down the stairs to find Rose.

When Friday arrived, I did stay overnight, at Bella's invitation -- for some reason, that cheered me -- and it was wonderful. Sweet. Intimate without being intimate. I'd forgotten how I loved watching her sleep.

I was also irrationally proud that her slumber was tranquil while I was there. She didn't seem to suffer from any nightmares. About halfway through the night, she sighed and turned on her other side. Bella pursed her lips comically, and then smiled. "Edward," she said softly. The space that was often so empty inside me began to fill again, without stopping.

I moved down from my seated position against the headboard and gently stroked her cheek with the back of my hand. Fearful I'd wake her with my icy touch, I reluctantly pulled back after a minute but could not resist kissing her forehead and along her jaw. At times like these I believed I'd be quite satisfied if our physical relationship didn't advance any further. This, it seemed, was more than rewarding.

But not always. There were moments when I looked at Bella and suddenly wished she and I could make up for all the lost time of my immortality and my human years, my old-fashioned principles be damned. One evening she was standing at the kitchen sink, the rear of her slender frame facing me. I imagined gently grasping her small waist, spanning my fingers so I was encasing all of her lower back. I could do that safely enough, but my mind didn't stop there, and I knew the rest of me wouldn't either. I wanted to move my hands first down, and then up, to feel her completely under my palms and fingers. I would touch her intensely... lovingly...worshipfully, showing her the respect she deserved but had never received from other men. I wanted to see and feel what has been denied to me since we've been together -- denied most cruelly, because it was my own abnormality which kept us physically apart. There were so many harsh realities Bella had to live with as long as we were together. For now, though, she remained silent on this particular point after that Sunday. I wondered when it would come up again.

Faith the cat wandered over and watched me from the bedroom doorway with a wary eye. She usually slept on the bed, so she was probably annoyed that I'd usurped her rightful place, and she wouldn't join us. I couldn't get close to any females in this apartment.

I knew Bella wanted to rise early enough to shower and eat breakfast before Alice arrived, so I planned to cook for her. She loves eggs, and they're easy enough to prepare. I might not eat, but thanks to my senses, I can perceive when food is properly seasoned and cooked. I fed Faith, relying on the patient hope that this would enable her to trust me, and put up a pot of coffee.

A short time later, I heard Bella stirring in her bedroom. I flipped the eggs and waited, eager to see the expression on her face. She entered the kitchen, blinking in the light, and stared at me in astonishment. I enjoyed surprising her like this; it seemed obvious that she wasn't used to such thoughtful treatment. Her loving appreciation kept me smiling like a fool all morning.

Alice came to get her, and after a stern warning from me that she wasn't to wear Bella out, I watched them drive away. I'd miss her today but I enjoyed the idea that the two of them would get to know each other and have fun together. Among all my family members, Alice is probably most supportive of my love for Bella. Her calm acceptance boosted my optimism, although I wasn't certain if Alice felt that way because she remained convinced that Bella would become immortal.

I moved halfheartedly from one thing to another during the day, playing music, reading, doing research online and then going back to the piano. Finally, Bella texted me to let me know she and Alice were on their way back to Forks. _I'm so glad you'll be home soon, _I replied._ I hope all future shopping sabbaticals are shorter._

_My feet are in complete agreement. I can't wait to see you. I feel like it's been days, not hours,_ she replied.

I smiled; I knew exactly what she meant. It was as if a missing part of me was running around the Seattle metro area while I remained behind, trying to get through the afternoon on my own. _I know. Me too. I'll be waiting. _

It was even harder to be patient now. An hour after Bella's last text, I detected Alice's car on the highway, and I dashed to the front of the garage, awaiting the return of my life, my love, my fulfillment.

Bella made a show of collapsing in my arms when she stepped out of the Mercedes, loaded down with shopping bags. "Must...stay...strong..." she gasped. "Take...bags...Tell...family...I...love...them..."

Alice scowled at her playfully. "Oh, come on. It wasn't that bad!"

I held onto a limp Bella and said, "If you're feeling strong enough, we have your dinner ready."

Bella immediately straightened up and hoisted the bags, her eyes suddenly energetic. "Food! Why didn't you say so?" She started toward the door but I pulled her back as Alice walked ahead of us, disappearing into the house.

"Hey there...dinner will keep." I set the bags down next to her. "May I give you a proper welcome home?"

"I thought you'd never ask." She flung her arms around me and stared into my eyes, smiling deliciously. "I've been waiting for this since the last time I kissed you, about nine hours ago." I inhaled with sharp anticipation, feeling the attendant flames rise in my throat and the venom start to pool. I didn't care. Those reactions meant she was close to me again. I bent my head in search of her lips, meeting her halfway. I could feel her smile until our kiss intensified, my mouth prodding and hers willing, and then restraint became almost impossible. I slowly pulled back and took her hand in one of mine, picked up all the shopping bags with the other, and led her inside.

Esme had prepared roasted chicken and some vegetables, and she sat in the kitchen with Bella and I while Bella recounted the shopping trip. She obviously enjoyed her time with Alice but wasn't above joking about Alice's single-minded pursuit of everything in the mall. Esme and I laughed as she described my sister darting through upscale stores, dodging overzealous sales assistants and scolding Bella for choosing boring clothes.

After Bella ate, we headed upstairs to my room, only to be confronted again by Alice. She insisted that Bella try on the clothes they'd purchased. Bella seemed reluctant, and I could see she was tired, so I tried to intervene on her behalf.

"I'm sure I'll see them as she wears them, Alice. Let her decompress now," I admonished my sister.

"If she knows you like them, she'll be sure to wear them right away. Come on, Bella. It won't take long and then I'll leave the two of you alone, I promise," Alice pleaded.

Bella smiled and said, "Oooo-kay." She sounded like Eeyore.

I frowned. "You don't have to do this now," I said reassuringly.

"No, really, I'm fine. We got some great stuff. I want to show you while Alice is here to provide the proper commentary," she replied, shooting a teasing glance Alice's way.

It _would_ be interesting to see what they chose. I hoped Alice didn't talk Bella into anything she genuinely didn't want. It would be like Bella to agree in order to spare Alice's feelings, especially since they were just getting to know each other.

Still..."Are you sure?" I asked, looking at Bella intently.

"Absolutely. Excuse me while I adjourn to the dressing room," she said, and headed for my bathroom.

Alice turned to me with a smirk on her face. _She has good taste, Edward,_ she thought. I raised my eyebrows. That was high praise, coming from Alice.

_Really, _she insisted. _It's a little too conservative, but I'll work on that._

"Don't you dare," I said threateningly, low enough that Bella could never hear me. "She's perfect the way she is." I glared at Alice to let her know I wasn't kidding.

_Oh, don't worry,_ she continued, waving her hand at me. _I won't have her looking like a Seattle hooker. I'll just try to get her to wear a little more color._ She sighed. _Bella has no problem sticking up for herself. _ _I could _not_ talk her into anything with animal prints. She absolutely hates them. _

"Good," I said with satisfaction. "That sort of clothing wouldn't do her justice."

_Not too crazy about jewelry, either,_ Alice added. _But...she_ did _say she likes pearls. She thinks a simple, one-strand pearl choker is 'elegant and pretty'. _

My head snapped around toward my sister, a grin spreading across my face. _You're welcome,_ she thought.

Bella came out in a beautiful sweater and dress slacks. The top was a little tighter than most clothes I'd seen her wear, but it wasn't inappropriate. I couldn't help but appreciate how the material gently clung to her curves, even though on some level, that depressed me. I wanted to appreciate it _more_, with no boundaries.

"She picked out this outfit herself," Alice said proudly.

Bella rolled her eyes. "And this year, I get to sit at the grownups' table instead of with the kids for Thanksgiving," she grumbled. She was smiling, though.

I walked over to her and took her hands. "You look lovely. Even if Alice dressed you in sackcloth and ashes, you'd be beautiful."

She blushed and ducked her head, then looked at me up through her lashes. "Thank you," she whispered.

"What, no self-deprecating comeback? Alice, who is this woman and what have you done with my Bella?" I teased.

Bella raised her chin and stared into my eyes. "I'm learning to appreciate your compliments," she explained quietly.

I interpreted that as meaning she felt reassured when I complimented her, as if that would help ease the pain I caused with my doubts. I'd do it all day and all night if I thought it would make a difference.

Alice finally departed and Bella changed into more comfortable clothing. I asked her what music she'd like to hear.

"Do you have any Frank Sinatra...why am I even asking? You have every singer who's ever recorded, right?"

I chuckled. "I probably do. Are you feeling homesick for New Jersey?" I loaded a CD, and Frank's voice soothed with "The Very Thought of You."

"No...yes," she confessed. "I miss the general Jersey-ness sometimes. Mostly, I miss the pizza and my friends and family."

"What's wrong with Washington State pizza?"

"If you have to ask, you wouldn't understand." She plopped down on the wide sofa next to me.

"Maybe you should go back."

She blinked at me, startled and then uncertain. "To visit, I mean." I frowned at her. "You can't seriously think I'd mean you should go back permanently?"  
Bella looked away for a few seconds. _Oh, no._ "Please, don't turn away from me." I guided her chin back with my index finger so she faced me. "If you went back there, or anywhere, I would follow you. I wouldn't even need your scent to find you. I would know where you are, and I would be right there with you." I knew this was true, even though I'd carry my nagging doubts as luggage.

"Would you come with me?" Her eyes widened as if she'd said this without thinking, and her heartbeat suddenly took off.

I was shocked, then pleased. "I'd love to go to New Jersey with you." I hesitated. "Would I get to meet some of those friends and family?"

"Oh, yes, definitely," Bella replied, nodding. "No pizza, though."

"Thanks." I thought more about this. Memorial Day weekend would be here in a few weeks; that might be a good time to go.  
"You'd really do it?" She looked surprised.  
"Of course. Why not? I'd enjoy seeing where you grew up."

She smiled, and I could tell she was already starting to plan it. "My friends and family would love to meet you, too. I've told them a lot about you."

Intrigued, I asked, "Really?"

Bella blushed. "Well, sure. I e-mail them a lot. They're very happy that I'm happy."

I pulled Bella to her feet to dance. "I'm not exactly wearing appropriate dance attire," she said, laughing.  
"You don't have to wear anything for dancing...okay, that didn't exactly come out right," I chuckled while Bella regarded me as if I'd taken leave of my senses. "I mean, I'll dance with you no matter what you're wearing." She stepped closer to me and lay her head against my chest, and I wrapped my arm around her waist. In my other hand, I grasped Bella's and clutched it near my shoulder.

The Chairman of the Board continued to serenade us.

_The mere idea of you, the longing here for you_

_You'll never know how slow the moments go till I'm near you_

Music is truth.

"I've forgotten how tired you are," I said softly. "I probably shouldn't have dragged you up and made you dance."

"Mmmm...no, I like it," Bella said, taking her hand down and encircling my waist with both arms. "I missed you today. Even though I knew I'd see you tonight, I really felt your absence." She pulled her head away from my chest and stared in my eyes. "Is that crazy or what?"

"Not crazy at all," I assured her, brushing her bangs across her forehead. "I always feel the same. I miss you to the point of aching when you're not with me."

She hugged me and rested her head on top of my heart again. "Stay with me here tonight," I urged before I had the chance to think it through.

Surprised, Bella halted her movements. "What, here? With you?"

Somewhat self-conscious at blurting that out, I joked, "No, in the room down the hall with Carlisle and Esme." I hugged her briefly and said, "_Yes,_ with me. Unless you'd be too uncomfortable on my sofa."

"Your sofa's more like a daybed, so I think I'll manage." Then she frowned. "But Faith--"

"I gave her extra food and water before I left this morning."

"Huh! You like that cat, don't you?" Bella chuckled.  
"Oh, I suppose," I mused. "Mostly, I had a feeling you'd want to leave early if you thought she didn't have enough to eat, so I took care of it."

"Yet another manifestation of your perfection," she murmured, smiling against my chest.  
The song ended, and I realized it was getting late. I grabbed a few of the blankets and pillows that Esme always kept in a hall linen closet. "Will these be enough?"  
Bella laughed. "Edward, they'd be enough if I was sleeping outside."

I spread a fleece across the lounge and arranged the pillows and blankets on top while Bella used the washroom. Was the heat turned up enough? I checked the thermostat and raised it a few degrees so she would stay warm enough.

The door opened and Bella was outlined as a dark figure in the doorway, against the light of the bathroom. I'd loaned Bella one of my tee shirts, which was ridiculously large and adorable on her. It came almost to her knees, and I was suprised to see she'd removed her sweatpants. I assumed she would keep them on, as she usually wore bottoms in her apartment. It made me nervous, all of a sudden.  
I had turned off lights in the bedroom and sat on the couch with a book, waiting for her. She flicked the switch in the bathroom, and my eyes could distinguish her in the dark with her head down while her feed padded softly on the hardwood floor.  
I threw back one of the blankets as an invitation, and she slipped alongside me, her back facing my front. I stretched out parallel to her, one arm below her and one above, so I could hold her around her waist. My throat flared and burned as I buried my nose in her hair, more content than I have ever been in my large bedroom. _I really should get a bed,_ I thought.

"How long have you lived here?" she asked quietly.

"About four years," I replied, stroking her soft hands with my fingers.

"It's such a beautiful home."

I swallowed some venom, debating if this was the time for reality. "At some point, we'll have to leave." I could feel her tense up immediately.

"Why? What do you mean?" Her voice was a little shaky.  
"People will notice we haven't aged. We'll need to move somewhere else and start over," I explained.  
"Oh. Right." She sighed. "I guess you're pretty much forced to be nomads."  
"You could say that."

Bella squirmed around so she was facing me. Her movement pushed the blanket down between us. "I know it's something you have to do, but I don't want to even think about it."

Neither did I. "We have plenty of time. It's not going to be tomorrow."

"Another conversation we'll have to have in the future, I guess."  
I wanted to change the subject. "I have a conversation I'd like to start now."  
"Okay, shoot."

"I notice you never refer to me as anything but Edward -- not your boyfriend, or anything like that. Why not?" This had bothered me for awhile.

"That word doesn't do it justice," she said, her gaze soft and loving. "I'm not sure the right term has been invented to explain what you are to me. 'Boyfriend' is just woefully insignificant."

My heart, or whatever took its place, soared. At the same time, my conscience crashed from my ambivalent feelings over her sexual history. I brushed that away and fit my palm against her cheek. "We'll have to make up our own."

"Excellent idea," she agreed. "Boyfriend-plus sounds awkward. Let's come up with something better."

We were silent for a few seconds while I played with her hair. "Edward?"

"Yes."

"When you leave, I want to go with you."

Shocked, I dropped my hand. Bella's chin trembled, and I knew she misinterpreted my action, so I pulled her closer to me.

"I don't ever want to be without you. I don't know how we'll do it, but we'll find a way to stay together," I vowed, my own voice shaking with emotion.

She tucked her head under my jaw and lay against my neck. I could feel her tears. "I know we don't have very many choices. I have to be prepared for that."

"Bella-" I whispered. I thought I knew what she was getting at. Alice's vision played out for me again, uncomfortably.

She shook her head. "Don't close me down on this. Just know that I will do whatever it takes to be with you."

"We don't have to discuss this now," I assured her. "I want us to enjoy what we have." I leaned over and kissed her, savoring her soft and pliant mouth. She opened her lips slightly and I grew cautious, worried that my sharp teeth would get in the way. Instead, she gently drew my bottom lip between her own teeth and sucked on it, eliciting a groan that rumbled though my chest.

Bella's hands left my waist and threaded through my hair, tugging gently but becoming more frantic. Her breathing grew ragged; her heart galloped, and she moved even closer to me. She started to release my lip and without thinking I lunged at her, now covering her lips with mine, unwilling to release her. The frustration of wanting more, of loving her so much but having to turn her away every time, was overwhelming. Passion, anger and torment brought me right to the edge, and I pulled back before I acted out and hurt her. She whimpered at the distance between us; though physically small, the need to stop made it seem like a chasm.

Moving back to me, Bella's lips touched the corner of my mouth, then traveled firmly along my jaw. Without thinking, I turned my head to the side to grant her the access she feverishly wanted, and she moved down my throat, kissing every inch along the side. As she reached closer to my neck her lips opened and I felt her tongue dart out, licking at the hollow of my throat and then over my collarbone.

Involuntarily, I kept moaning. I felt my control slipping. My bloodlust was secondary to another lust that took over every inch of me. With Bella in my arms and her searing tongue on my skin, I felt like a man, like someone desirable. My barren existence had never known such warmth and love, all from the marvelous woman who willingly lay here in my arms. Could I let it go on, a little longer, just a little bit...

I turned my head back toward Bella and kissed her gently on the top of her head. She sighed against my neck, her breath mixing with the moisture where her tongue had worked on me only seconds ago. "Edward..." she protested softy.

"No, Bella."

"Why?" The sadness in her voice tore at me.

"I can't risk--"

She grabbed my hand and swiftly brought it to her breast. "We'll never know until we try, though, will we?" Now her voice was frustrated, angry.  
I sucked in a breath and drew back my hand. "Bella!" I said stiffly.  
Her shoulders slumped in resignation. "All right," she said quietly, turning so her back was against my chest.  
"No. Come back here," I said.  
"Make up your mind, Edward." I caught the scent of her tears and heard them as she spoke.  
"Stop. Please," I begged her.  
She turned back to face me and pulled the blanket up, sobbing a little. "This is so hard," she said through her tears. "I love you so much, Edward, I really do, and being rejected like this...I know I said..." She stopped for a moment. "You don't want me," she said simply.  
I was shaking my head in miserable disagreement before she'd even finished that last sentence. "No, Bella, nothing could be further from the truth," I whispered. "I desire you, I need you, and I want to love you more." Then, grinning, I added, "Surely you can _feel_ how much I want you at this moment."  
Thankfully, she smiled. "That only makes it more difficult," she said.  
I stroked her hair. My beautiful, human, hormonally-charged Bella. "I would rather know you are alive and unharmed than give in and regret hurting you," I said emphatically.  
She was silent, and I had one of those moments where I thought I would go mad from not knowing her thoughts. "What is it?" I asked.  
"This doesn't have anything to do with our conversation about my past, does it?" she asked haltingly.  
"No. It does not." And that was true; my physical desire for her left those stupid doubts behind for the moment. "You have no idea how much I want you." I shook my head. "I cannot understand why you don't see how desirable you are, Bella."  
"It doesn't help when your more-than-boyfriend keeps turning you away," she said.  
I was beginning to see the depths of her hurt now. "Bella, you are warm and loving and sexy and playful and wonderful," I said, gathering her hands up in mine.  
"There's a big 'but' in there," she said.  
"I want to keep you safe. I could not live if anything happened to you and I was the cause of it," I said.  
"You're afraid," she said.  
"Yes! That's what I'm trying to tell you," I said, relieved that she finally seemed to be getting it.  
"That's not the kind of fear I'm talking about. You're afraid of sex for other reasons."  
I pulled my head back. "What do you mean?"

"Are you seriously worried that I would judge you over sex? Compare you, somehow?" She waited for my response.

"Um. Let's not forget there are other vampires in this house who are also awake, and who are capable of hearing every word here," I cautioned her.

"Don't try to distract me. Let them hear. I'll bet it's nothing they haven't already thought, correct?" I was silent.

"Edward," she said. "Am I right about this?" I had no response.

Bella sighed. "Okay. Don't say anything. That's my answer." She watched me briefly before continuing.

"Since you won't talk, I will. And I don't care who else is listening," she added. "You still don't see everything you are. You're so unfair to yourself. When I told you those other experiences were a disappointment, it was because the men didn't want me. Physically -- yeah, sure, for the moment they did. But they didn't care about the rest of me. You do. I _feel _safe with you. And to me, that wipes out everything. Everything else, especially the sex -- it doesn't count. I can't make it so it never happened, but to me it doesn't matter. Because you're the first man I've really loved, you're the first, period." Her eyes held love and concern and hope as she tensed and waited for me.

With a muffled cry, I pulled her to me roughly, because I could not get her next to me fast enough. I buried my face in her hair, and she clutched at my shoulders. The need to protect and the need to take, warring again within me...monster and man. Tonight, I would let the man win, and take. Taking for me meant giving to Bella. I could do that, at least a little. I could do that enough for her.

Tilting my head down, I nuzzled her neck with my lips and nose. I ran my hands up and down along the sides of her body, relishing the shape of her curves even through the baggy tee shirt. I worked my way down past her ribs, feeling the way her waist flared out to her hips. Finally, now, I enjoyed her with my sense of touch, instead of just my eyes. My fingers pressed into her flesh along her hip bones, firmly but without hurting her, hungry to know her this way. I moved past her hips and smoothed my hands around her bottom, the shapeliest part of her body, and God if she didn't emit the most sensuous sound I'd ever heard.

"Bella, this can't..."

"Hhmm," she gasped. "We don't have to. Just....let yourself have this, Edward."

She gave me the permission I couldn't give myself. I edged my hands underneath the tee shirt and felt the glory of her soft skin in the small of her back, along a part of her body that was new to me. I explored along the edge of her underwear but didn't breach that barrier. Not tonight. As I returned my hands up her back, Bella nodded. She understood I still had to have limits.

Within the self-imposed restraint, though, there was still plenty to explore. And I would enjoy mapping her body with my hands and my fingertips, storing this wealth of sensation in my perennial memory. The wonder of it all, the newness, was overwhelming. This was all so...yes, exciting, because it was the first time for me with any of this, yet I knew it would never mean anything if it wasn't Bella here underneath my hands, encouraging me.

I worried briefly that my cold skin would chill her, then decided that if it did, she would have said so. Only my touch seemed to register with her, not the iciness of it. My amazing Bella.

Wanting to prolong this, I trailed my fingertips around to the front, slowly stroking her stomach with my full hands. She cried out in a low voice, then panted, waiting to feel what I would do next. I used my right hand to hold her along her back, bracing her, while my left hand palmed all of her from the top of her underwear to the middle of her ribcage. I felt another throaty, half-sob, half-groan come from the depths of her body as I stroked and moved higher, grazing the bottom of her left breast.

I hesitated, moving my thumb along the skin that was so familiar and yet so different, and Bella whispered, "Please." With that, I cupped the full weight of her breast, and it was as if she welcomed me home.

Bella whimpered and grasped my shirt, and I could feel her shaking. I knew it was unfair because I wouldn't bring it that much further, but the other, new monster in me was craving this too much. It was love and passion and lust, but not dirty or disgraceful, because how could it be? It was me and Bella.

I used my right hand along her back to gently push her further into my left, where my thumb was stroking her nipple. I tried to get back into God's good graces Her other breast -- Mother Nature is brilliant, granting women two of them -- demanded equal time, and I reverently complied. I may have been too hasty when I thought her rear was the most shapely part of her.

Then I noticed that Bella's legs were getting restless. She squirmed and opened her knees, capturing my right leg between them. Now I had to think about stopping, when all I could focus on was Bella, and want and need. This was what it was like to feel heaven. I knew I wouldn't go to heaven, so I wanted it here on earth. I had it, and I had to give it up in this moment. It was agonizing -- all my senses, so thoroughly caught up in my love, were fighting my responsibility. Trembling with the effort, I slowed the rhythm of my touch on her breasts, letting her know that we had to change the pace.

Her heartbeat ran ahead of her shallow, rapid breathing, and I caressed her breasts, regretfully for the last time now, before moving my hands down and back outside of the shirt. She stretched her legs out and moved them slightly away from mine, her respirations returning to normal. We lay quietly, and I felt her smile before a calm sigh left her lips. I smoothed my hand over her cheek and asked, "Are you okay?"

"Better than ever," she breathed. "Are _you _okay?"

"Better than ever," I replied.

She kissed me softly. "Thank you," she said, her words purely heartfelt.

"You were right," I told her.

"Thank you for that, too."

Another minute went by and Bella mumbled, "Need a moment. Be right back." She left the couch for the bathroom, staggering slightly along the way.

And then I heard it: the echo of reactions from around the house. Emmett, chuckling and pumping his fist in the air. Rosalie, smirking and thinking, _Now you know how it feels to have your most intimate moments broadcast._ Alice, with a lovely beatific smile, and Jasper, trying to cover his grin, before they turned to each other for their own communion. Carlisle and Esme, their minds consumed with nondescript meditative thoughts, graciously trying to give us some privacy. I closed my eyes and sighed as Bella returned, looking at me questioningly.

She would be mortified if she remembered right now that everyone knew. "Just reveling in the afterglow," I said, and held my arms out to welcome her back.

Bella snuggled up against me, facing me now, and settled on to a pillow. "Can I keep this tee shirt?" she asked drowsily.

"Certainly. May I ask why?"

"Sentimental reasons. Plus, it smells like you." In minutes, she was fast asleep.

***

It had been awhile since I hunted. I told Bella on Wednesday night that I would stop over and see her on Thursday after she returned from work, but I wouldn't stay. I knew she had to depart for La Push and her tutoring class, so Thursday seemed a good night for me to hunt. Lately, I kept silent over my worries about the wolves on the reservation. Bella had returned home after each lesson unharmed, and I tried not to let my concerns ruin her independence. I knew it was important to her.

Larry had also asked me to work the day shift on Friday. Janice requested an extra day off to visit her family again for a long weekend. This meant Bella and I would work together that day, and we'd probably be together at night, if she wished. Twenty-four hours with Bella would be absolute heaven. I could cook her some perfect meals, bring her more music (despite her wretched audio system, which I still had every intention of upgrading), or maybe even take her out somewhere in the evening.

About a week ago, Bella hesitantly told me that Rick's fiancee had more or less guessed that Bella had someone significant in her life, but had agreed not to mention our relationship to Rick. "If we're going to be working together, he'll notice. Rick's no dummy," she said.

"I can't think of any reason why you shouldn't tell him," I said.

She shrugged. "It isn't as if I don't want people to know about us. I wasn't sure if somehow this would cause problems for you or your family."

I nodded. "I doubt that would happen because of Rick."

Bella must have said something to him because he didn't appear surprised that we arrived at work together Friday morning. After a minute he looked astonished, and I heard him think,_ I've never seen him smile like that. Or her, come to think of it. Good to see they're both so happy_. I lowered my head and tried to hide my even-wider grin.

He greeted us with, "Good morning, slackers. Do you realize you're only seven minutes early, instead of ten?"

"What are you doing here before 8 a.m.? How much drive-by Starbucks have you had?" Bella teased.

I hung up our coats and dropped my tote on my desk. Bella was wearing a lovely red dress from her shopping expedition with Alice. It was somewhat form-fitting, enough to hint at the perfection of her figure; and the color was a beautiful complement to her skin and hair. I'd be distracted by her all day, especially when she stood up. Already, I had a hard time paying attention to anything else.

So did Rick. _Wow. That's a new look for her. Very nice. _ If he wasn't so committed to his fiancee, he'd be in trouble.

_She's really pretty, especially because she doesn't realize it._ I was less annoyed by this accuracy.

Bella started chatting with Rick, and she made the mistake of asking about the wedding.

He groaned. "Please, can we not talk about it? I would really like this to be a wedding-free zone."

Bella looked surprised. "Something wrong?"  
"Only that Ellen is on it 24-7. She's consumed. I've never seen her so single-minded. It's like she's gone into this domestic frenzy." Rick winced. "I can't even bring up another subject."

"Well, it's the biggest day in a woman's life," Bella said, pushing her purse into her desk drawer. "Of course she's excited. And knowing Ellen, she'll want everything to be perfect."

"And meaningful. And beautiful. And romantic. And family-oriented. And detailed," he added.

"And you?" I asked.

"At this point, I'd be happy with a ceremony at the rec center officiated by the tribe's shaman."  
"I advise against suggesting that to Ellen," Bella said.  
"Oh, don't worry. I hardly talk to her anyway. I just listen. Or pretend to," Rick said glumly.  
Bella walked around to where Rick sat, grabbing some assignments he'd left next to his keypad. She patted his shoulder. "Hey, it won't last. It'll be over in, what, six or eight...um, a few weeks, right?" She tried to cheer him up. "Plus, you get a vacation out of it. The honeymoon's gotta be great!"

"I sure hope so. There has to be some payoff after all this," he replied. Bella frowned at him in disapproval. _That came out wrong,_ he thought. "I mean, after all this work, it'll be good to not be on any kind of schedule, and just have time to ourselves."

"Sure. That's kind of the purpose, isn't it?" Bella asked.

For the second or third or hundredth time since Bella and I have been together, I thought about marriage. I had come to want it more than anything. In a perfect world, I would marry her in a flash. In our imperfect world, it was impossible, even if she would have me.

But marrying Bella meant she would be mine. To me, that was worth more than anything on earth or in heaven. And it _would_ go a long way toward erasing my other concerns. Would it ease my anxiety if she agreed to marry me? Of course, it wouldn't solve the problem of sex _now _-- in fact, it would bring it front and center.

Would she even consider being my wife? My wife Bella. Bella Cullen. Mrs. Edward Cullen. I sounded like a fantasy-riddled teenager writing the name of my big crush over and over again on my school folders.

"Earth to Edward," Bella said, teasing. "Mind telling me where you were just now?"

"Just wondering--" The thoughts of a visitor coming down the hall changed my tone immediately. Reactively, I growled.

Bella looked alarmed but quickly masked her concern. The cause of my mood swing made his presence known at the pharmacy window.

"Hey Bella! How are you?" It was Tom Boylan, would-be Bella swain, in all his insincere glory.

"Oh...hi Tom." She smiled politely at him but couldn't seem to muster much else. She didn't leave her desk, and the silence lay there in the room.

"Um...could I talk to you?" Tom asked, oblivious to Bella's reluctance.

"I'm kind of busy," Bella said, motioning to the prescriptions she was sorting. She smiled apologetically.

"Really, it'll only take a minute." This ninny could not take a hint. He was about to ask her on a date again. It was all I could do to refrain from throttling him. That would be among the best five seconds of my immortality.

When Bella stood up, Tom thought, _Damn! I knew she had it. Hell, that dress really shows off her--_

---aaaaaand I almost blew my cover right then and there. The low growl in my chest became louder. She glanced at me quickly, and her eyes suddenly lit up. Distracted, I thought, _Wait, she isn't glad to see him, is she?_ Complete mischief took over her features as she casually put an arm around me and leaned over to kiss me.

"Make this a good one," she whispered. I stood up, grabbed her around the waist, dipped her sideways and kissed her passionately, then calmly turned to Rick -- who was nearly choking from holding in laughter -- and handed over completed prescription forms.

Bella strolled to the window. "So, what's up, Tom?"

He was stunned, his eyes blinking and wide. "Well, I was going to...Never mind. Thanks." He walked away, his thoughts a confused jumble_. What the...Cullen? Naw. Was that for real?_ Oh, yes, Tom. And you'll never know how great it was.

Bella walked back to her desk, brushing her hands together as if she'd just completed a dirty task, which, really, she had.

"Well, so much for you not having a mean-spirited bone in your body," I said, chuckling.

She shook her head. "I had to find a way to get my point across. Conventional conversation was _not_ doing it," she said grimly.

"He's going to try again," I said, warning her. Apparently Tom's sizeable ego wouldn't let him believe Bella preferred me over him. I heard him plot to get her alone at some point. As if I would let _that_ happen.

"What! No way! How do you know? What an idiot!" Rick said, laughing. I was the idiot, actually, forgetting that Rick didn't know I could read minds.

Bella swiftly picked up on his last statement and ignored the question. "He _is_ an idiot. I suppose I could always buy a few billboards along I-5 to tell him I won't go out with him. Now," she said, frowning, "how would I word it so he'd finally get it?"

"Don't embellish. 'Something like, 'Not now, not ever, Tom', " I advised.

"I watched some DVDs of old 'Saturday Night Live' episodes last night. How about, 'Tom, you're an ignorant slut'?" Rick suggested.

"Harsh. I like it though. The only problem is, it doesn't state directly that I'll never, ever, in a bazillion years go out with him," Bella replied. She cocked her head. "How about a photo of a very menacing Emmett -- blow up way big, of course -- with the words, 'She Doesn't Want You, So Deal With That Or Deal With Me, Boylan.' "

Rick whistled. "Man, that is gangsta. Wordy, but gangsta. Good for you."

Boylan didn't return, of course. Periodically, I listened to his thoughts, which were a mix of indignation, disbelief and planning. Every so often, he'd dwell on the way Bella looked when she walked over to him in that dress. Every muscle in my body stiffened at that, and Bella would glance at me, first questioningly, then with a warning in her eyes. We didn't discuss it, but she must have known I was still listening. I couldn't help it; I haven't had much chance to gloat like this, and it was fun.

A year ago, I would have thought this silly. Now, it was wonderful to have a reason to feel jealous, protective, territorial, or mostly, smug. It all seemed so normal.

**A/N: For all dear readers who are unfamiliar with Frank Sinatra's history, he was born in Hoboken, New Jersey. Hence Edward's question about Bella's homesickness after she asks to hear some Sinatra tunes.**

**I hate the word "panties." I don't quite know why, except that it sounds juvenile and thus has no place in my story. So, I've used the more antiseptic term "underwear," until such time as I decide to have Bella wear something else. **

**This is the first time I've ever used lemon flavoring in my fanfiction. I would love to hear what you think. **


	19. Bella, Chapter 10

**This starts with Bella's ruminations on the whole question of "will we or won't we." Then, the setting moves out of her head and into the evening she stays with Edward in his room, moving forward from there.**

I'm not exactly sure when so much of my life became consumed by sex. Or worry over sex, I guess. I only know that I don't like it.

I don't want it to be like this. I want things to be more normal -- normal for us, anyway. We are at an impasse as far as sex is concerned. I'd be happy if I knew Edward wants to, and that it's even possible for us. Right now, that's not looking so good. I don't even care if it doesn't happen for ages. Although it would be nice...but Edward's thrown so many roadblocks in the way, I'm not sure how we'll ever get past them.

Some of it is legitimate worry. He doesn't want to hurt me; he's very concerned about his strength. I have to give him the benefit of the doubt even though I believe his control is solid -- it's been that way even at his worst, when he _wanted_ to kill me -- but I don't know what it's like to be a vampire, so I can't really dictate to him on that, can I? I have to take it on faith that he's accurately gauging his own instincts. As opposed to, say, using them as a handy excuse.

After we discussed my past boyfriends and I felt his judgment in every form of language save the spoken word, I worried incessantly that this would be the barrier we couldn't smash. He comes out of such a different time, and he can't change that. Everything around him changed, of course, but he stayed the same. And how could I demand any different from him? I told him that the gift I valued most from him was his acceptance of me as I am. (This, of course, came before my admission of totally vanilla sexual experience.) Knowing how much that means to me, how could I deny him the same? I've already accepted everything else about him.

Then it hit me: he's imposed those morals on himself. So in addition to dealing with my experience, he's had to deal with his lack of it. And if I knew Edward -- and surely that was now the case -- I knew he would worry about his own inadequacy. I'm not sure I could get across to him that I _didn't care. _I'm not exactly vastly experienced or knowledgeable. Maybe I could get him to believe I'd never judge him on that. I wanted us to be together as if it was the first time for everything, not only sex. This was such a different relationship than I ever dreamed I'd have, in every way. It doesn't deserve to be compared to anything I've ever had before. I really started my life since moving to Forks. This was all the beginning. As the saying goes, Edward is the journey and the journey's end.

Thankfully, the issue wasn't always pervasive. The elephant occasionally left the room to lumber around somewhere else. In those moments, I felt relaxed, safe, calm, and content to sit with Edward and enjoy his touch in pretty pedestrian ways. He made every effort to show that he loved me. I worried about that, certainly. I wanted him to feel that he could love me unconditionally, the way I loved him. I felt frightened, sometimes, that he would use this as some excuse to leave, even though he all but said he would never do that.

I'm not complaining, of course; a kiss from Edward is better than anything else -- everything else -- with another man. I mean, it isn't as if I'm some wanton lust goddess. (Note to self: Wanton Lust Goddess is another great name for a rock band.) I want to know that he wants it, too. I need to know he'd like to try. It hurt to think he didn't.

Edward still came over every day and stayed into the evening. He was as attentive as ever. When he was with me, all of my worries slipped away, for the most part. He kissed me as passionately as ever; he wouldn't even be near me without touching me somehow, either lacing his fingers through mine or stroking my cheek or nuzzling me. I loved it, I loved him, and I felt loved. Mostly. I felt most of me was loved. But didn't he ever want more? He willingly stayed the night on Friday, before Alice and I went shopping. I honestly wasn't expecting anything to happen, though, and Edward didn't disappoint.

I was shocked when he asked me to spend Saturday night at his house, after Alice and I returned. Esme prepared a delicious dinner for me, and I told them all the shopping stories as if Alice's single-minded mall mission was news to them. After dinner, Alice wouldn't sit still until I tried on the new clothes for Edward, and honestly, I was getting so fond of her that I couldn't say no. I was exhausted but I didn't want to disappoint her.

It was destined to be a night of surprises. Once Alice left the bedroom, Edward asked what music I'd like to hear, and I requested Sinatra. My sweet man quickly realized that I'd been feeling homesick for New Jersey. "Maybe you should go back," he suggested, and I actually believed he was telling me to leave. I trembled so hard that Edward had to manually steer my head to look in my eyes. The second I misconstrued his remark, I felt like hot iron seared through me, poisonous and efficient. I knew in that instant I would never recover from the loss of Edward, and that knowledge, now plain, panicked me. I loved Edward so much I was locked into this -- into _him_ -- and while it is what I want, I also had to know the risk that accompanied it. As Edward talked, guessing that I misunderstood him but not comprehending the depth of my own realization, he tried to reassure me. "Would you come with me?" I blurted out, because truly, that was the only thing that could reassure me.

But Edward seemed thrilled that I'd want him to accompany me to New Jersey -- now as a visitor, no longer a resident. I could go home and show my family and friends the person I'd become. My friends knew I was happy; I'd started telling them about Edward, and their squeals came through in e-mails that I could practically hear as well as read. I knew they would love him and accept him because he was with me. The only possible problem was my dad, Charlie. It wasn't that he wouldn't like Edward, but to say he was taciturn was doing a disservice to hermits and curmudgeons. And it always took a bit of preparation for any of my gentleman callers (was Edward influencing my language?) to come away unscathed from any time with my dad. I haven't brought very many men home at all, but each of them believed my dad didn't like him. It was hard to explain that any lack of argument or sarcasm on Charlie's part meant that at least he didn't _dislike_ them. Edward was so much more important to me, and I merely wanted my father to treat him with the respect he deserved. Here was another possible complication that arose from Edward's old-fashioned background. He'd want to do what was right -- shake my father's hand, talk to him, show his own respect -- and while my father would undoubtedly notice and admire that, he'd never express it to Edward. Or to me. How could I explain that to Edward? I didn't want my father to offend him. I was used to my dad hurting my feelings with his silence and tactless manner, but it was unfair to expect Edward to put up with it. I hurt for him already. I wanted to protect him, but I had no idea how to prepare him.

At least it was only for a weekend. We talked in general about going east for Memorial Day, which was coming up. I mentioned that we'd have to book a flight soon if we had any hope of getting to New Jersey without paying a fortune, and Edward promised to look up air fare the next day.

And then he asked me to stay with him overnight. I wonder if he knew how thrilled I was that he asked. I was deeply moved that he would want to be with me all night again. I also wondered exactly why he asked me to stay. Was he anticipating something? Silly, I chided myself. It wasn't as if we couldn't carry on in my own apartment, if he was so inclined (and I already knew his feelings on that). In fact, my place was more private. I couldn't help nurturing a small flame of hope that he wanted something. Anything. One thing. Maybe he'd feel more comfortable in his own room.

I excused myself to change into suitable sleepwear. Edward loaned me one of his tee shirts, which hung off of me as if I was a starving orphan. I made a hasty decision to leave off my sweats. My seduction would be unparallelled, as long as "unparallelled" means clumsy, obvious and probably ineffective.

He covered his daybed-sized sofa with enough comforters to blanket Texas, and insisted on wrapping me in a thick fleece. I hated having too much cloth between us. It took only a short time for me to adjust to his icy temperature; I wanted to be next to his body, and I always ignored the chill in favor of bliss.

Edward brought up something I'd been curious about: how long his family could stay in one place while never growing older. He'd mentioned previously that they came to Forks for the weather. Of course, they moved around a lot; this meant that in a few years, Edward would leave. I knew he had to, and that made it easier, in a way, than our earlier conversation, when I'd panicked because I thought he wanted to send me packing back East. Now, I sensed his despair at the thought of any departure. It gave me the courage to say what I felt: "When you leave, I want to go with you."  
If it was possible for anyone to stutter with a touch...that's what Edward did. I worried again that I'd spoken out of turn, though his shaking voice and hands reassured me he'd had the same fears about separation. I wanted him to know that wherever he went, I would go with him, in whatever form I had to take.

It was the first time I'd vocalized an idea that came up with increasing frequency. I knew our options for a future were limited. Edward would live forever, I would not. If we stayed together and I remained human, he would look like my younger brother, my son, and then my grandson. Or, I could become like him before I grew too much older, and we would stay together and be perfectly matched. Any time my thoughts moved toward that conclusion -- and they inevitably did -- I tried to pull them back with realistic reminders. I could never see my family or friends again. They would have to think I was dead. I would never die; I would also live forever, whatever that meant. I would be a vampire, for crying out loud, and I'd have to learn to do it the way the Cullens lived. I would never have children.

But I would have Edward. No matter what argument I presented to myself, I came back to this: it was the only way for Edward and I to be together. Always, I returned to that verdict. I didn't want to be without him, so I would be with him, no matter what it took. He'd fight me on this -- fight me as hard as he'd ever fought anything, because Edward is far too moral to take away my humanity. I knew him well enough to worry that guilt over ending my life could drive him insane, and forever is a long time to live after you've lost your mind.

Unsurprisingly, he didn't want to talk about it. I was impatient with his disregard for my feelings but I knew it wasn't the time or place to start discussing it. He distracted me by kissing me, which always worked (and he knew it). But tonight, here in his half-a-bed, the love and longing mixed with new fears that he would leave and I wouldn't be able to go with him. I wanted whatever I could have of him, even if it hurt me in the long run. That, plus a good six weeks of frustration, made me push the boundaries he'd so carefully established. Firmly, desperately, I moved my mouth along his perfect jaw and down his throat. Edward moaned and moved his head to the side, and I accepted the invitation, drifting down his neck. I dared to taste his skin, the cold, hard texture and delicious scent combining into an otherworldly aphrodisiac. I knew he was enjoying it; his body was in that paradoxical state where he both relaxed and stiffened from my touch. As if on cue, he sighed and kissed me on the top of my head.

_No, Bella. Careful, Bella. We can't, Bella. Stop, Bella. _His endless litany of warnings forced me into recklessness. I was tired of hearing it, knowing that we could have precious few opportunities for intimacy. And then, a crazy thought, careless beyond any other state I'd ever experienced: he doesn't know what he's missing. Oh, I didn't mean that in the egotistical sense. I meant it literally. I had only minor sexual experience, but I could imagine how wonderful it would be with someone who loved and respected me. Yet Edward acted as if he knew what was best for both of us. He knew nothing! He never acknowledged that maybe I could be right about this. I wanted him to test his limits and see for himself. So, I did something that was fairly pushy and uncharacteristically forward. I grabbed his hand and put it on my breast, leaving only his aged tee shirt between his cold hand and my warm, decidedly female body. He reacted as if he'd been burned, and the rejection almost killed me.

I felt more naked than if I'd thrown off the shirt I was wearing. I put myself in his hands and he'd turned me out. Edward held me while I sobbed, soothing me with all the right words, but I couldn't shake off the feeling that I was still paying for a past I couldn't change. The hurt made me get ugly. I told him I thought he was more afraid of his own nonexistent experience than of his strength or bloodlust, and though it was probably true, I knew I'd used more in my arsenal than I should.

But I had more truth to tell Edward right now, and other ways to be naked in bed with him as my words exposed my emotions. I considered him my first in everything because he was my first love. Incredibly, I told him this not to force his hand physically, but to have him understand why intimacy was so important to me. I explained why it hurt so much that he rejected me and -- I believed -- thought less of me for having sex before we met. With that, I broke through to him, and in showing him more of myself, I helped him believe more about himself.

He pulled me to him, and it really was our first time. It wasn't all sex, but I wasn't expecting that. What Edward finally gave me was the admission that he desired me, too. Allowing himself to have this small moment of intense joy gave me more pleasure than anything physical. Recognizing my need, and showing me, with no reservation or judgment -- it was more than enough for now. It was everything.

******

After Edward gently kissed me good morning, he told me he'd prepared breakfast for me and to take my time getting downstairs. I washed up and tried to make myself as presentable as I could, considering I was wearing sweat pants and a hoodie from yesterday. I wondered briefly what Edward would say if I asked whether I could keep some clothes at his house. Too soon? He'd seemed really happy when I invited him to leave shirts and pants in my apartment closet, so he didn't have to run home to get ready on the nights he had to report to the hospital.

I debated this internally as I headed down the stairs and toward the kitchen, lost in thought. Soft classical music played on the first-floor sound system, and I heard voices and laughter as I got closer. They didn't stop even though I knew they were aware I was approaching, so I figured they weren't talking about me, or if they were, they wouldn't mind if I heard it.

Esme, Edward, Emmett and Rosalie were in the kitchen, Edward setting a place for me at the island in the middle. As usually, Rosalie gave me a curt nod and exited the room as soon as I entered. Alice danced in past her, chiming, "Good morning, Bella!" before anyone else had the chance to say anything. Emmett jumped off his seat and bounded over to me, sporting a huge, mischievous grin. "Bella! How are ya? Hope you had a good night!" He enveloped me in an enormous bear hug, swaying us back and forth as if we hadn't seen each other for years and we had something to celebrate....

_As if there was something to celebrate._ Now I got it.

My cheeks burned as every ounce of blood defied gravity and flowed to my face. I recalled what passion caused me to forget last night: vampire hearing is powerful and all encompassing. There really was no privacy in this house.

Emmett let me go and lightly pinched my cheek. He walked past Edward and flexed his shoulders and arms in a macho manner, still with that grin, as he left the kitchen.

Edward rolled his eyes and looked at me worriedly. I cleared my throat and said, "So, what's for breakfast? Something smells really good. Besides me, I mean."

Esme seemed particularly absorbed by the magazine she was reading, but grinned and gave Edward a sidelong glance. Alice merely stood there beaming, and watched as Edward came over to me and kissed my forehead. "We have pancakes and sausage for you, plus some fruit. I hope you're hungry," he said.

I looked at him in mock astonishment. "After last night? I'm famished!" Edward seemed horrified, but I heard Emmett's roar of laughter from somewhere else in the house.

I put my arms around Edward's waist while Esme chuckled and excused herself. Alice was still with us, eagerly watching our interactions. I didn't mind. I already felt as if I could say anything in front of her.

"I'm sorry if my randy sense of humor offends you," I said to Edward, who still appeared displeased. "I had to find some way to acknowledge what everyone knows, and I usually do that sort of thing with a joke."

No reaction, so I sighed and ate my breakfast. He began cleaning up the pans from my breakfast without acknowledging my comment. Alice made a skeptical face and glared at his back as he moved to the sink. I wondered what she was thinking for his benefit.

She glided over to me and gave me a quick peck on the cheek. "I'm going to find Jasper and see what he wants to do today," she said. I stood up and drew her into a hug. "Thank you so much for everything," I said. "I really did have a lot of fun yesterday. It meant a lot to me, that you wanted to spend all that time with me."

Alice grasped my hands and grinned. "I should thank _you_. I had a great time, too. I hope we can do it again soon."

I turned to look at Edward. He was still washing the dishes, his back facing me, but the set of his shoulders had softened. I went up behind him and wrapped my arms around him again, resting my head between his shoulder blades. Wasn't there some way I could bottle his scent and carry it with me whenever we were apart? I suppose I had a bigger problem to address right now.

"Are you angry with me?" I asked plaintively.

"No."

"Your tone does not convince me," I said, trying to sound mock-severe. I stared up at him patiently as he scrubbed the frying pan; judging by his effort, it must have been the filthiest kitchen utensil in existence. I was tempted to say something like "Ease up, Cullen," but I could tell that wouldn't be the right tack. At the same time, I didn't feel like apologizing again for my joke. I was sick of apologizing. I stood on tiptoes to kiss his cheek.

"As you know, I cannot read your mind. Will you tell me what you're thinking?" I said softly.

"Hmmmm..." he hesitated. "That I'm probably making too big a deal over what you said, and I ought to just let it go." A small smile started to play around his lips.

I nodded. "I agree." Then I thought some more. "I shouldn't have made light of our time together. It meant a great deal to me, and it's far too important to trivialize," I said quietly. "And I hope you know I'm not making fun of you. At all." Even more softly, I added, "I would never do that."

I saw him swallow before he responded, "Okay."

"I suppose our senses of humor are also about a century apart," I noted. Finally, _finally,_ he looked down at me and really smiled.

I grabbed a towel and said, "Here, I'll help you dry."

We worked together in silence, and I tried not to beat myself up over my quip. This was yet another learning experience with Edward. Normally, he just thinks I'm funny. I suppose he was sensitive after last night, which had been our most intense time together. Maybe his morals were wound tightly enough that he didn't like it when his...more-than girlfriend made risque cracks. Maybe he was upset that I embarrassed him in front of his family (though truth be told, we overshared with them last night, too). Or, maybe it was a combination of all three.

It was still fairly early on Sunday, and I wondered if Edward had anything planned. Neither of us had discussed spending the day together today, although we usually did on weekends. Now that the weather was getting warmer and the daylight hours were extending, it was more pleasant to be outside. We'd visited some of the local parks on our days off. As long as we worked with the weather, we could be nearly normal, planning around any sunshine that might be forecast. A lot of it meant changing my way of thinking -- reworking my usual frame of reference whenever he'd ask, "Is there anything in particular you'd like to do this weekend?"

"Yeah, if the weather's crummy, let's go to the beach." That wasn't the way we did it in Jersey, but it's how things roll in Washington, especially if you're with a vampire.  
I brought my thoughts back around to the present, realizing that Edward still hadn't said anything about the rest of the day. After all our declarations of love (which were fairly numerous at this juncture), after the closeness we'd had last night, after all we've talked about in our unusual life together for the last few months, I couldn't bring myself to assume that he'd want to be with me today. Worse, I hated how inhibited I was about asking him what he wanted to do.  
Finally, I found a way around it. "What time would you like to bring me back?"  
Edward glanced at me in surprise. "Do you want to go home?"  
"Well, other than a fairly massive load of laundry, I don't have that much to do today. I wasn't sure if you planned anything for yourself, though," I said carefully. "Hey, I don't know where these pans and lids go."  
"I'll take care of them." He'd finished washing and cleaning the sink. What is it about a guy who knows his way around a kitchen? And this one doesn't even eat.  
Edward frowned at me in rather intense concentration. "Come to think of it, I never noticed a washer or dryer in your apartment. How do you usually do your laundry?"  
"I use Mrs. Farrelly's, which are in the basement, but if she's got a lot of her own stuff to wash and I have an urgent need for clean clothes, I go to the laundromat."  
Edward shook his head. "Not any more. You can come here when you aren't able to use hers."  
"That's really nice, but-"  
"No 'buts.' Esme wouldn't have it any other way," he said briskly.  
"Oh, right, bring your mother into this. You know I would never hurt her feelings," I said.  
"Exactly," he noted with satisfaction. "I'll take you home and you can get your clothes and we'll come back here."  
"Okay, fine," I huffed.  
"Okay, fine," he replied, but I saw his grin as he put the pans in a cabinet.

I turned to go upstairs and he was in front of me in one of those quick, flashy vampire moves I'd never get used to. "You drive me crazy over the simplest things," he murmured, his eyes a cloudy gold.

"I could say the same to you."

"And you have." He leaned over and I felt him smile as he kissed me.

"In case it is at all unclear, I love you, Edward Cullen." I tilted my head and watched him until he saw the seriousness in my face, and his expression softened from humor to tenderness.

"Make it as clear as you want; I will never tire of hearing that. And I love you, Bella Swan."

On Wednesday, Edward explained that he needed to hunt and planned to go the next night, when I had to tutor. I nodded and thought that would give me the opportunity to do some hunting of my own, for Jacob Black. I still hadn't seen him since that afternoon in the cemetery when he nearly attacked Edward while in wolf form. I wanted to straighten things out with him, but I refrained from mentioning anything about it. Edward and I would see each other Friday at work, since he was scheduled to fill in for Janice. By that time, I hoped to get rid of the wolf scent I'd probably walk away with. I knew Edward would pick up on it otherwise.

I left home after changing my clothes on Thursday afternoon, intending to stop at the general store and get a sandwich from Billy. It had been weeks since I'd seen him as well. Maybe Jacob would actually be at home, in his garage. The thought of him doing something at least somewhat normal, that I knew he enjoyed, gave me some comfort.

It was probably best that I wasn't able to find Jacob for weeks after Edward and I saw him in the cemetery. I was so furious, I would have said a lot of angry things I'd later regret. The sharp edge had faded from my temper, and I could now talk to him in a more civil manner. I was fairly sure I could, anyway.

The usual group of men were on the store's porch when I arrived. I still didn't get a smile out of them, but at least there was something less suspicious in their gaze. "Good evening, gentlemen," I said, nodding my head. The man with the silver braids -- who, I believe, always wore the same plaid shirt -- returned my greeting with a solemn tip of his head.

"Hey Billy," I called as I strolled to the deli counter. Silence greeted me for a moment, then I saw Billy's hat, and the rest of him followed out of the back.

He looked more rested than the last time I saw him, and his smile seemed more genuine. Still, there was a distinct tinge of sadness around those beautiful black almond eyes, and I knew now it was because of his son. Billy had to be aware of what was happening with Jacob, and I'm sure he was consumed with worry over it.

"Bella! It's been a long time. What brings you back to our reservation?" he said, grinning fondly.

"I'm heading over to the rec center for my weekly tutoring. Do you remember my 'usual' order?" I teased him. It was still wonderful to be in his presence; he emanated a sense of regal goodness that never failed to draw me in.

"Turkey on rye with provolone, lettuce and tomato, a little bit of mayonnaise, and..." he drummed his fingers against his chin, "hot peppers."

"Excellent recall, Billy."

While he prepared my dinner, I asked, "Is Jacob around?"

A wary look passed over his face but he composed himself quickly. "I think he's in the back with some of the guys. Do you want me to call him for you?"  
"Uh...well, if it's okay, I'd like to stop around and see him when you're done here."

He nodded and said, "Sure, sure," although I'm not certain he meant it. I paid for my sandwich and he motioned to his right, letting me go around the counter and through their apartment to get outside.

I walked toward the garage and heard some talking and laughing, so I assumed Jacob was there somewhere. One of the other boys -- Paul, I believe -- saw me first and the grin fell right off his face, replaced by suspicious anger.

"Jake, you got a visitor," Paul called toward the back of the garage.

"Hey, Jacob," I said as he looked up.

"Bella!" he said, shocked. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm on my way to the rec center and I stopped off for a sandwich. Can I talk to you for a minute?"

"I guess so," he said uncertainly, wiping his hands on a greasy towel.

"Could we go over there?" I motioned to some trees that stood off to the right of the garage. Jacob looked quickly at the other three young men who leaned against a table, expressionless.

"Sure, let's go," he said, and walked out of the garage without looking at me.

It occurred to me right then that I hadn't planned out everything I was going to say. I couldn't exactly jump in with, "I know you're a werewolf. Please leave me and Edward alone."

Actually, maybe that was the best way to say it: directly and honestly. We'd reached the trees and Jacob leaned against one, arms crossed. "So, what's up?"

I took a step closer and stared at the ground, then in his eyes. He looked wary and suspicious -- exactly as his friends did, and nothing like the friendly, open Jacob I'd first met. I blew out my breath and said, "There's no real easy way to say this, so I'm just going to come out with it. I know it was you in the cemetery."

Alarm spread over his features before he pulled his expression back. "I don't know what you're talking about. What cemetery?"

"The Forks cemetery, a few weeks ago. I was there and so was Edward." He shook his head and started to speak.

"No. Don't say anything." I put my hand out, as if to stop him -- from what, talking? "You don't have to answer me, and I know you can't talk about it. I just want to ask you to please, stop protecting me. I don't need your help."

He remained impassive, though I saw something flicker in his eyes as I continued, "I"m okay. I'm not going to get hurt." I took his hand. "I appreciate what you did; I know you were concerned. But you don't have to be."

Jacob shook me off. "You don't know what you're saying."

I didn't know if he meant to deny what I knew about him, or to argue that I was, in fact, in danger. I decided to cover both points. "I know you and Edward hate each other, and I know why. I also know I'm not supposed to know anything about it. And before you get all angry about that, it wasn't Edward who told me. There are things about your tribe's legends that aren't hard to find out."

His eyes widened and he grew visibly angry. "You really don't know anything!"

"I know enough. Please. Thank you for wanting to protect me, Jacob, but I. don't. need. it," I said firmly. I started to walk away and then turned back to him. "And don't take anything out on Edward. The Cullens have nothing to do with this."

"Oh, they have _everything_ to do with it," he snapped. Jacob grabbed my elbow. "Why are you with him if you know what he is?" he hissed.

"I think that's my business, Jacob, and not yours," I said, more calmly than I felt. "He won't hurt me. None of them will."

"They are bloodsuckers, Bella. _Vampires!_ You've gotta be crazy!" he said, glaring at me.

"If you know what they are, you must know that they don't hurt people," I replied. This was as much as I dared to refer to the treaty. "I consider you my friend, Jacob, and I know you were only doing what you think is right. But really, I don't need you as my bodyguard."

He let go of my elbow and stepped back, shaking his head. "You're wrong. You're in danger every second you're with him," he said, eerily echoing what Edward himself told me months ago. "We'll still be watching."

I sighed. "If you must. Just please, no drama like last time, okay?" I waited for his response.

"I can't promise that, Bella. If he hurts you--"

"He won't."

_"If he hurts you..."_ Jacob repeated with a snarl...

"If anyone hurts me, it won't be him," I repeated with finality. "But again, thank you for watching out for me." I took his hand and squeezed it, and then returned to my car.

With sadness, I realized I had no idea when I'd see Jacob again. Our friendship was broken, and even though we were not extremely close, I missed him. I wished we'd had more time to spend together before all this happened. The Jacob I'd come to know and like wasn't there any more. He'd been replaced by a man-boy who both resented and embraced his new responsibility. Werewolves and vampires were mortal enemies, so certainly Jacob hated Edward and his family. I was sure he blamed them for his own change. If the Cullens had never returned to Forks, Jacob and his friends would have normal lives: goofing off, fighting good-naturedly with each other, chasing girls, hanging out at the rec center, figuring out their lives. All the usual time-fillers enjoyed by guys their age were cut off, denied by a marred heritage.  
Jacob would never understand how I felt about Edward. I knew I couldn't explain it to him -- to any of them, for surely all his friends knew, based on the way they looked at me. Would Jacob and I ever be able to salvage our relationship? I didn't know, though I suspected Edward would be just as happy if he knew we weren't on speaking terms. Should I tell him about my talk with Jacob? I decided to put off any decision about that. In the meantime, I had a student to tutor.

To my relief, Wendell showed no sign that he knew of my relationship with Edward. My work with him continued to grow more rewarding. He was making terrific progress with his reading, and we started to include newspaper articles in our lessons now. He sometimes had trouble making it through an entire story, especially if it was long, but he would gladly read all headlines. Many times, he'd bring in the sports section of the Seattle daily paper and ask for my help so he could find the news of his favorite teams. This was a first for me, as well as Wendell. I'd never read the sports section, either.  
He entered the room wearing his usual huge grin, and my worries over Jacob faded for the moment. It felt good to have this purpose for being here, and to forget about myself while I went about the important business of teaching someone to read. As Wendell pulled out his homework, I said a quick prayer that he'd never turn against me for loving Edward.

Friday at work was also surprising in its own way. Tom Boylan decided it was time to convince me that he and I were meant to be. He hadn't counted on Edward helping me prove otherwise. An extremely passionate kiss in the middle of the pharmacy got the message across. Of course, if I didn't have Edward in my life, I'd sooner date an aardvark than go to a club with Tom anyway.

We were still laughing about it over dinner on Friday night. Edward and I thought about going to the movies, but I lobbied for staying in. For whatever reason, I didn't feel like sharing my time with him tonight. It didn't take a good deal of arm-twisting to get him to agree to an evening of books instead of a movie. I brought my tea over to the couch and watched for a couple of minutes as Faith roamed the living room, gradually tightening the circle she was making around us. She kept glancing warily at Edward, as if to check whether he'd vacated the premises, because she clearly missed sitting on my lap but she still refused to get close to him. I'd love to see that happen someday.  
"Hey, I have some information on our trip to the East Coast," Edward said, his expression excited as he looked up from his book. While we were at work, I'd spoken with Larry about taking off a half-day on the Friday of Memorial Day weekend, and I was relieved that he agreed. The workload was bound to slow down as that day progressed, since doctors avoid admitting patients over holiday weekends. Larry felt that Janice and Rick could handle it, although I was sure Janice would find something to grumble about anyway, and Rick would make me pay for leaving him alone with her for half a day.  
I raised my eyebrows expectantly, and then his expression kind of blanched. "What is it?" I asked.  
"Well..." he hemmed and hawed a bit. "It seems we'll be having more company on our journey."  
"Really?" I was intrigued. "What do you mean?"  
"I asked Alice to look ahead and see if she could get a handle on the weather that weekend, so you and I could plan accordingly. When she saw that it's supposed to be cloudy and rainy all weekend, she got all excited about going to New York. She wants to shop." He rolled his eyes.  
"She's not expecting me to join her for that, is she? I mean, seriously, I don't think I'll have time-"  
"No, in fact, that's the rest of the story. Rosalie and Esme want to have a few days of shopping in Manhattan as well, so Alice will have plenty of company. And you know..." Edward sighed. "Well, if the three women are going, so are their mates. It'll basically be the entire Cullen household transplanted to the right coast." He looked at me through his eyelashes. "I hope you don't mind."

I laughed. "You don't have to look at me like that. I'd love it if we all went together." Then I frowned. "Are they expecting to meet my family?" The thought of a whole coven of vampires piling into my sister's house was a little frightening.  
"I don't believe so. They'll probably spend most of their time in New York, although we'll all be at the same hotel." He stopped but appeared to have something more to say.  
"What?" I nudged him with my elbow.  
"Well, I knew Larry had approved your time off, so I booked the flight."  
"I see. And when were you going to tell me this?"  
"Right now."  
"How much do I owe you?"  
"Nothing. This is on me."  
"Edward, please. I can afford the plane fare, I've already budgeted for it."  
"Can you afford a first-class ticket?"  
Shocked, I repeated idiotically, "First class?"

"Yes. Honestly, it would be easier on Jasper if he flew in a part of the cabin that was less crowded. Alice isn't about to let him fly alone, and really, it's better if we're all together, so that's how it came down." He frowned. "I'm sorry. I should have talked to you about it ahead of time."

"Yeah, you should have. I mean, I'm not going to argue with you; if it helps Jasper, the case is closed as far as I'm concerned. It would have been nice if you'd mentioned this before, though."

"It sort of came together all at once."

"All right...but I want to pay you back for the ticket."

"Please, Bella. You have to fly the more expensive option because of my family. We're really forcing you. Esme and Carlisle-"

I cut him off. "Don't guilt trip me because of your parents. How about if I pay you the cost of an economy ticket and we forget about the difference?"

He shook his head. "I want to pay for all of it. I really want to do this for you."

"Who's going to pay for the hotel?"

"Me, because I'm sure at least a few of my family members will not want to stay at the Motel 6."

I scowled. "I can't let you pay for everything, Edward." He started to reply and I put my hand over his mouth. "And please don't say, 'of course you can.'"

He smiled that indulgent smile. "Am I making you feel like less of an independent wage earner if I insist?"

"Yes. You are."

"Very well, then, you can pay me back for the cost of an economy fare." He sighed. "I wish you'd be reasonable about this. It has nothing to do with my belief that you're perfectly capable of supporting yourself. I'd really like to give it to you as a gift."

Edward and I had had several conversations about this, and there was also Alice's lecture in the middle of the mall. I decided to negotiate. "Tell you what: let me pay you back, because I would probably fly home for a visit regardless of whether you came with me, and you can find another gift to give me."  
_"Really?"_ His eyes widened in devilish delight.  
"Nothing too crazy," I warned him.  
"Oh, no. You don't get to put any qualifiers on it after you've given me permission." He went back to his book with a smug smile. I bugged him a few times to try and figure out what he had in mind, but of course it did no good. All I got were a lot of severe reminders that a gift is supposed to be a surprise.

It was May, but still rather chilly in rainy Forks. After I climbed into bed, Edward insisted on using two blankets to wrap me like a burrito. We reached a compromise when I told him that I wanted to be as close to him as possible but he could re-wrap me when I fell asleep. There were times I could become irrational about things like this, because I hated someone telling me how to take care of myself. Deep inside, though, I felt warm that Edward cared enough to try, no matter how misguided.  
The light was off and we were talking softly about the week, and about our complete routing of Tom Boylan. Edward believed Tom would be back, but although he had the advantage of mindreading, I had my doubts. There was something about Edward that could be so forbidding when he was angry, and I think Tom got the message, even without Emmett on a billboard.  
We were laying on our sides, facing each other, and I used my free right hand to comb my fingers through Edward's hair. It felt almost as if it was made of velour, it was that soft, and the sensation helped _me_ feel sleepy. Edward had his eyes closed, and I could see a large, relaxed smile on his face.  
"Does this feel good to you?" I asked, surprised that I hadn't thought to ask this before.  
He sighed deeply. "Oh, _yes._ Your hand and fingers are so warm...it's very soothing."  
"I'll keep it up until my hand gets numb."  
Edward laughed and pulled my hand down, kissing my fingertips. "No, please, don't make yourself uncomfortable."  
We hadn't had any repeat intimacy since the night at his house last Saturday. I was feeling somewhat more patient, and I wondered if he'd guessed that would happen.  
"What are you thinking?" He was getting very good at telling when I had something on my mind.  
"I was kind of reflecting on last Saturday. We haven't really talked much about what happened."

"That's true," he said. "Do you have something you want to tell me?"

"I'm not sure I got across to you how important it was to me. Not the physical side of it, although tht was nice," I clarified. "I'm not. some sex-crazed woman who needed a little somethin'-somethin'." Edward laughed. "You just kind of...went with it, and you didn't just trust your instincts -- the good ones, I mean. You trusted mine. I also never asked you...I mean..." my voice faded. I was blushing furiously, and I blurted out, "How did you feel?"

"I felt like I finally knew something of what I'd been missing for a very long time -- as in, my whole life and beyond," he said softly. "The physical sensations, and I assume that's mostly what you're referring to, were beyond amazing. And you know, for once, I didn't analyze it scientifically. I didn't need to -- in fact, I thought that would ruin it. I just felt it. Mostly, it was because it was _you_. You were there with me, trusting me and sharing yourself with me intimately." He hugged me fiercely yet gingerly. "You say you can't express how important it was to you, but Bella, you showed me that night. I don't think I've yet come up with the words to tell _you_ how much it meant to me. You gave me something no one else ever has. You are as beautiful and wonderful as I knew you would be."

I had to swallow several times to keep from crying. "Did you-" I started to say, and then fumbled for the right words. "I know our separate histories still concern you. I want to know, Edward, is that any different for you? What do you feel about me, now?"

"I love you, Bella. That's the same as it ever was."

I could feel the insecurity struggling to climb to the top, over the joy of everything else in this moment. "You know what I mean. I'm always going to worry about what I can't change."

"Mmm, I _do_ know what that feels like," Edward said solemnly. "But to answer your question, yes, it helped to have that part of a relationship with you. I feel as if I know you even better now -- like I know more of you."

"In the way that others have, too." Once again, I said it before I could stop myself.

He sighed. "I do wish you would stop worrying about it. It will never keep me from loving you. Besides," he added, tipping my chin up to meet his gaze, "did I not just say how fulfillled I am?"  
I lay my head against his chest, the tears coming again. "What?" he asked softly, with no sign of frustration at his inability to read my thoughts. He knew I was struggling to say something important and he wisely waited.

"I know there won't be anyone else for me after you. I'm...This is it for me. There are no other guys; there will be no others now." It was the most I'd expressed beyond telling him I loved him. I wanted him to know now the length and breadth of it.

He cradled my head and sighed deeply, just holding me that way for a second. We kissed for a long time, his mouth gently pulling on my lower lip.

I grumbled, "I probably shouldn't even say this to you, but the truth is, I would stay with you no matter what. Sex or no sex. I love you that much."

Edward laughed. "You really mean that, I can tell." His eyes softened. "I love you that much, too."

**Reviews are like a night with Edward! Thank you for reading.**


	20. Edward, Chapter 10

**Happy holidays to everyone! I hope this posting finds you well and happy. Thank you so much for your patience! As you can imagine, the holidays have completely screwed up my writing schedule. Plus, my wonderful husband had a special birthday right after Thanksgiving, and after all the support he's given me, I couldn't ignore that!**

**Here is Edward's Chapter 10. He and Bella are preparing for the Return to New Jersey. I hope you enjoy it! This chapter is best read while listening to anything by Bruce Springsteen, of course. (Okay, you can listen to Frank Sinatra if you prefer.)** **I'm not completely sure, but I believe it's in New Jersey's statutes that you must be a Springsteen fan if you live in this state. **

Clothes flew around the room at a speed which impressed even me.

I watched Bella as she moved to her dresser, grabbed some tee shirts, threw them in a suitcase and darted to her closet. A blazer and a denim jacket were yanked out and met the same fate as the shirts. Bella spun back to her dresser for underwear and bras, then placed them a little more carefully in the suitcase, under other clothes. This was probably because she knew I was watching. She even blushed slightly. The entire time her brow was knit and her lips moved, reciting items she had to remember to pack.

"Wouldn't this be easier if you wrote a list?" I asked.

"No."

"Why?"

"I'd lose the list." She grabbed a pair of shoes from the bottom of her closet and pushed aside clothes to cram them at the bottom of the bag.

"Alice said it's going to be cloudy and rainy, right?" she mumbled.

"Hence my family's decision to go, yes."

"Okay. That means it'll be cool in New Jersey. I should bring a few sweatshirts." The frown of concentration was back. "I have enough jeans here, but I'll need sweat pants, too." She backed toward her dresser again, staring at the open suitcase like she expected it to answer a question, and then turned around to pull the sweat pants from a drawer.

It was Thursday night, an hour after Bella returned from tutoring. She'd greeted me with a quick kiss and a hug and then walked briskly down the hall of her apartment, shedding her coat along the way. After dragging out the suitcase, she commenced yanking, tossing and stuffing.

"You're undoubtedly all packed and ready," she said, eyeing me with disgust.

"Sure. I don't have the same decision issues that you seem to. Are you certain I can't help you?"

Without looking at me, she replied absently, "No, thanks. Just your company is great."

"I'd never guess you thought that."

Bella stopped and held her her toiletries bag in her hand, smiling slowly. "Do you feel ignored?"

"A bit, yes. But that's okay," I said, heaving my best martyr sigh. "I'll watch while you work, if that's what you want."

She walked over and sat in my lap, putting her arms around my neck. "I'm really looking forward to this trip, you know. I'm so glad my family and friends will finally meet you."

"I'm happy about it, too."

"You may want to reserve judgment on that until after you meet my dad." Bella rolled her eyes. "I hope I've adequately explained how unsociable he is."

"Your dad's a widower who misses your mother. I'm not going to take his lack of etiquette skills personally." It was true, but it was also easier for me to focus on that as a reason for her father's reticence -- as opposed to, say, his potential dislike of me.

"That's good." She frowned. "I really don't want him to make you feel bad."

"He won't." I hugged her, burying my nose in her hair. Burning and flaring, her scent invaded my throat like the most fragrant smoke. I was long past getting taken in by that. "He can't be all that bad. He managed to raise a wonderful young woman."

"True. My sister's pretty special. You'll like her."

I kissed her chin. "You know I meant you."

"Yeah, I do." She smiled but looked sad. I waited for her to speak again, but when she didn't I prodded her further. The subject of her father often seemed to elicit some type of mood or reaction I couldn't read.

"What is it?" I asked gently.

"Oh...I don't know about raising me." She interlaced her fingers and stared down at her lap. I watched her silently. "I often think I raised myself."

"Tell me what you mean by that." I didn't want to make any assumptions.

"Well," she said, shifting slightly, "my parents weren't the easiest people to grow up with. Not the hardest by any means, but not the easiest. As far as my dad is concerned, he was really critical. I know I've mentioned this before." She glanced at me quickly for affirmation, a small smile on her lips. "I feel like I've spent a lot of time and energy digging out from under that. I wish I never had to, but, you know, there it is." Bella lay her head on my shoulder. "I also feel like a bit of a schmuck complaining about this to you. It isn't as if you've had an painless life." She sounded almost apologetic.

I shook my head as I hugged her tightly around her waist. "Never think that, please. I want to hear what's on your mind, especially if it's something that hurts you. My life is separate, different. I'd love to know everything about you." I kissed her on the forehead. "I already know so much of the good. I'm definitely okay with handling the bad too." Bella finally gave me a real smile and nodded.

She was silent for a few minutes, and I began to see the depth of her apprehension about returning east. "I know you are thrilled to see your friends again, and I'm definitely looking forward to meeting everyone," I said carefully. "But are you really okay with going back? If I believe for a minute you'll be more upset than happy, I'll cancel this in a second. We don't have to go."

"No," she said thoughtfully. "I can do this, although I am kind of anxious. I know my dad wants to see me, but he's not really good at expressing that. It'll come out weird, like he'll ask me about the car and then launch into this whole list of things I should be doing to maintain it. And I'll get upset because it'll feel like he's picking me apart, even though I know he's only trying to help. His method of assisting is, uh, off-putting, I guess you could say," she explained with a chuckle.

"Wow. You've got the whole reunion scoped out," I said teasingly, though I was concerned. The scenario she described sounded more like experience than prediction.

"I know it's likely to happen. I have to remember to walk away before we get into a stupid argument."

"Being aware of that is a great first step," I said. It sounded awkwardly like I was quoting a self-help program, but I honestly couldn't think of what else to say. I wanted to calm her, soothe her, and help her feel more confident.

"That's true. You know what else, though," she said, now staring into my eyes, "I'm really glad you'll be there. You'll get me through it more than anything." There was complete conviction in her voice.

I was stunned. I'd always seen her as the capable partner in our relationship because of all that she had to accept and endure. I knew many of her weaknesses -- not that I would ever use them against her -- but they never stopped her from giving everything to me. I was supposed to be the strong one, yet I felt almost every day that she was holding me up. To hear her say that she relied on me was enormously gratifying -- ego boosting, even.

"I will do whatever you need me to do," I said, my voice tight with emotion.

"Just having you with me will be the best antidote to Charlie Swan's toxicity." She kissed me and leaned her forehead on mine. "It'll make a huge difference, with you to calm me down and keep things in perspective."  
A little smile crept across my face. "I do that? Really?"

"Yes, you do." She put her head back on my shoulder, next to my neck, and hugged me around the waist. "And much as I love explaining all this to you, I still have more to pack, and a few hours of work tomorrow." Bella started to get up but I pulled her all the way back down on the bed. She grinned and said, "Edward, what are you doing?"  
I rolled her on top of me, enjoying her slight gasp of surprise. I wasn't usually this aggressive because I didn't want to lead her along, only to and become frustrated. It was one of those moments, though, when I needed to show her what I felt.  
I kissed her, long and hard, smoothing my tongue along her lower lip. It was sheer pleasure to feel her length pressed against my body: her legs, her soft flat stomach, her somewhat soft, not-at-all flat chest. Now with her balanced on top of me, I ran my hands down her shoulders and beyond, enjoying the graceful valley that formed where her lower back flared into her hips and beyond. Without stopping or easing up on the gentle pressure, I moved my hands across her rear, surprising even myself. I seemed pretty determined.  
"Edward?" Bella said questioningly, then giggled. "Are you feeling okay?"  
"What I'm feeling is fine," I murmured.  
She burst out laughing. "Wait, wait -- grabbing my ass and making a joke loaded with sexual innuendo? Something is _wrong_. Should I call Carlisle?"

"Do you really want to interrupt me?

"No, no!" Bella said, shaking her head vigorously. "It's just a little out of character for you." She traced the edge of my jaw with her index finger.  
I rolled her over so I was now almost on top of her. Overcome with sudden emotion, I laid my left hand along the entire side of her face, then gently stroked the length of it with my fingers. Her expression softened as she watched me. "I love you so much. I think, maybe, I don't tell you that often enough." I edged off of her so I was laying along my side on the bed. My hand moved down her neck and across her collarbone, then drifted down her chest and stomach before setting on her hip. Bella eyes widened briefly when my fingers gently ran over her left breast.

My craving for her had shifted into a desire for her flesh, sometimes more than her blood. My passion became obvious at times like this, though I tried to disguise it. Bella made me feel like a man, and I hated that I couldn't help her enjoy every aspect of feeling like a woman. I kissed along her neck and up to her lips, lingering there for another few minutes. "And I think that maybe I don't tell you, or show you, how exceedingly difficult you are to resist."

"I know," Bella whispered. She knew? Well, I suppose she was able to feel my longing for her. Tears pooled in her eyes as she watched me. "I love you too. Very much," she whispered, then sighed. "I hope you remember that when I subject you to my family and friends." Burrowing her head into my neck, she mumbled, "Stay with me tonight?"  
"Of course."  
She'd started a sweet tradition of asking me this all the time, although I was there every night anyway. I'd bought Bella a new alarm clock, which she accepted with only a modicum of protest, but she preferred me to get her up in the morning. I loved the last few moments before I had to nudge her awake. I watched her off and on all night, of course: the river of her sienna hair tossed carelessly around the pillow, the downward tuck of her head leaning into her chest, the eyelashes butterflied against her lower lids -- she was beautiful, then funny from the moment she had to open her eyes and unwillingly face the world.

On Friday, Bella got ready for her morning at work and rushed out, giving me a hurried kiss and a sweet reminder that we would meet up again at 11. Even though we'd be together for 80 hours over the weekend, I'd miss her in the time she was at the hospital. I always felt like I was operating with half my usual self when she wasn't with me. Before leaving, I placed extra food and water out for Faith so she would have enough for the weekend, while we were away.

My family was a lot calmer in its preparation for the trip. I suppose, when you have all night to get ready, it's easier. Bella's packing scene was much more frenetic than even Alice's, but I preferred the barely-contained mayhem in her apartment. It was another tacit reminder of how alive she is.

Alice and Bella insisted that we report to Sea-Tac airport early enough to avoid problems with security. Since our flight was at 6 p.m., that meant we left as soon as Bella returned home and changed out of her work clothes. My family waited in two other cars; I placed her suitcase in the Volvo's trunk and ran back up to her apartment. She was standing in the middle of her kitchen, hugging Faith and looking around as if trying to remember something.  
"Bella? It's time to go," I said. "Faith will be fine. We left plenty of food and water, and Mrs. Farrelly will look in on her every day," I added soothingly. I knew she was worried about the cat, as if we'd be gone a month instead of three days.  
"I know." She gave Faith a final kiss and put her on the floor. "Let's do this."  
I swung her up in my arms and raced down the stairs, barely touching them. I slowed down once we were outside, Bella still giggling. With the car door open, I placed her on the front seat and buckled her in against her protests. "Edward, I can do this myself," she said, laughing.  
"I know, but you can't do it as fast as I can. We need to get going now."

My family followed in Carlisle's and Emmett's cars, staying close because they knew I would detect any police presence which would slow us down. We sped north on Route 101 at nearly 90 miles an hour, since traffic was fairly light.

The parking, security and check-in were uneventful. The eight of us waited patiently at the gate to board -- well, seven of us were patient. Alice, true to form, was having difficulty containing herself. She was thrilled at the prospect of seeing New York City again; she hadn't been there in decades. Although we weren't staying in Manhattan, we would be close enough where two days trips would be easy. Intitially, my family planned to book hotel rooms in New York, but Bella pointed out that staying in Morris County would put us near state parks for hunting, if necessary. It also made her family and friends more accessible since they were close to that location, and because that was the real purpose of the trip, I essentially made the decision for all of us. Most of them were amenable, except, predictably, Rosalie, who grumbled about missing the opportunity to stay at the Plaza or St. Regis.

We were scheduled to arrive very late at Newark-Liberty International Airport, factoring in the time change on the East Coast. Since the flight departed Sea-Tac in the early evening, it was less crowded, and in fact my family took up most of the first-class cabin. This was certainly beneficial for seven traveling vampires, one of whom had less experience in avoiding human feedings.

Bella pulled out a book and then shoved the backpack under the seat in front of her. Around me, I heard my family's idle thoughts: Emmett, wondering what in-flight movie we'd see; Rose and Alice, savoring the prospect of world-class shopping; Jasper, a little uneasy over the flight but able to remain calm. The presence of humans in a small, enclosed space didn't seem to distress him, though of course he'd fed an ample amount before we left. Carlisle was concerned about two patients who were not responding to conventional intravenous antibiotic therapy. Esme was simply happy to be with her family, as usual.

I wondered why we'd rarely taken trips such as this, because tonight everyone seemed happy about it. Then again, we'd had to move around so much to avoid detection, there was probably an unspoken preference for staying put once we'd settled in. We hardly took vacations, at least not together. Perhaps Bella was unknowingly pushing us in this direction, bringing our family together in a way that was new for us.

The plane had pulled away from the gate and moves to its departure position; I heard the engines rev and smelled the harsh odor of airline fuel. As the plane lurched forward and began its ascent, I saw Bella move her head down and scrunch her face, as if she was in pain.

"What is it?" I asked worriedly.

She opened her eyes a fraction and mumbled, "Takeoff. Ugh, stomach." I'd forgotten that motion sickness could be a problem.

"Can I get you anything? I'll call Carlisle..."

She grabbed my arm to hold me back. "I'll be okay. It'll stop in a few seconds."

I hated seeing her so uncomfortable, but as the plane leveled off, her face relaxed. "See? It's just temporary. It always happens to me when the plane departs and lands. I'll have some soda later and that'll help," she explained. "I had the same problem the last time I flew, when I arrived in Washington. I didn't think I'd be on another plane so soon."

"You flew here yourself? No one came with you to help you when you moved?"  
"No, I had all my stuff shipped out before I got here. Besides, I didn't want to inconvenience any one. It was my move," she said, looking past me, through the window at the lights below.

I kissed the side of her head. "I would have helped you."

"If there had been some way for us to meet earlier, I'm sure you would have. But as it stands, you had other designs on me the first time you saw me. Helping me drag a sofa into my apartment was the last thing on your mind, I'm sure." She gave me a playful smile.

It bothered me sometimes, the way she joked about my instincts and how close I came to killing her. I frowned. "Not funny."

"Oh, come on," she said, scowling. "Lighten up. All is forgiven." She leaned in for the first of a number of kisses we shared across the country.

I'd booked three cars for all of us to use while we were staying in New Jersey. Not to sound like a snob, but there are times the black American Express card comes in handy. We had practically no waiting time at the rental counter. The attendant couldn't fawn over us enough, and I would have let that pass except for the attention he paid to Bella. I growled slightly, and she looked at me in confusion, unaware that he thought her very attractive.

Bella grabbed her suitcases and began walking toward the doors when I stopped her. "Where are you going?" I asked.

"To wait for the shuttle so we can get to our cars," she responded, looking at me expectantly.

"No, they'll bring them here."

"They will?" Her eyebrows raised in surprise. "Must be nice."

"It is. Would you like to drive us to the hotel?"

Her eyes sparkled with anticipation. "Oh, yes. Yes, I would."

Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper had reserved an enormous Escalade; Bella glanced at me and surreptitiously rolled her eyes. Esme and Carlisle moved ahead as an attendant pulled up a Mercedes Benz two-seat sportscar. Each had a GPS, of course, so Bella's directions weren't necessary. She still insisted on making sure everyone was confident of the destination.

Finally, a Mercedes Benz S600 sedan pulled up. The employee who brought it to our location apologized profusely for the five additional minutes we had to wait after my family's departure. Bella seemed stuck to the ground, unmoving.

"You're going to let me drive this?" she said in wonder.

"Of course. You know how to drive a stick, right?" I said, knowing full well that she did.

The attendant carefully arranged our suitcases in the trunk. "It's a _stick?_" she squealed, throwing her arms around my neck. Bella and I both loved to drive. Unlike me, she did it a lot more slowly. Like me, she preferred a standard transmission to really feel the engine shift and move. It had been difficult to locate a sedan that wasn't an automatic, but it was worth it to see the look on her face.

Bella's reflexes seemed to change now that we were on the ground in New Jersey. She moved quickly and efficiently, slipping into the leather seat and stroking the steering wheel as if it was...well, the only other time I'd seen her move her hands so intimately was when she touched me. I was nearly jealous of the damn car.

She grabbed her backpack and pulled out a CD, inserting it carefully into the stereo. Tossing the jewel case into the backpack, she put it on the floor behind her and adjusted the mirrors, all the time sporting an enormous smile. After another few seconds, the familiar opening harmonica and piano of "Thunder Road" floated gracefully through the car.

"We've been in New Jersey about 15 minutes and Springsteen is already playing," I said, thoroughly enjoying her elation. I'd seen Bella happy and content and, of course, playful, but I'd never seen her _blazing_ like this. It was kind of hot, pun intended

"Oh, yeah," she said, her voice lower and throatier than I'd ever heard it. "You're on _my_ turf now." She pressed the clutch and shifted the car into gear, tearing toward the New Jersey Turnpike with that grin still in place.

We headed south, Bella driving about as fast as she felt she could get away with - a mere 75 mph. (She declined my offer to listen for police officers, somewhat doubtful that even I could help elude New Jersey state troopers.) Once the urban density thinned out and I saw more trees, Bella began talking about how the state was actually very green, but few people got to see it because they only went in and out of New York. It reminded me of our first real conversation that morning in the pharmacy, when she spoke of her resentment of her home state's reputation.

Within 30 minutes, we arrived at the Governor Morris Inn before anyone else from my family. The bellhop accompanied us to the suite I reserved, and swung the door open to a sitting room with a large couch, several chairs and a coffee table. Off to the left, there was a small kitchenette, and then over on the right was the bedroom, and a large bathroom beyond it.

When we were alone, Bella looked around at the kitchen, amused. There was a bag of her favorite coffee, some bagels, other snacks, and perishables like milk, juice and butter in the refrigerator. I'd had the concierge make sure there was enough here for breakfast once I realized we wouldn't arrive in New Jersey until very late.

"This is really very nice of you, but you didn't have to reserve a room with a kitchen - a stocked one, no less," she admonished me.

"Oh, I'm not being nice. I'm being selfish. This is very necessary.

"What? Why?" She looked mystified.

"You are less than human before you've had your coffee. Trust me, I would know what that looks like," I said, grabbing her and twirling around the room. I was elated that we'd be together every moment of the entire weekend. "The sooner you can get your caffeine fix, the better off we'll all be." She pulled back her arm and opened her hand as if to smack me. "You may want to rethink that move," I said, grinning.

"Yeah. It never ends well for me." Bella yawned, and I realized how extremely late it was.

"Why don't you get ready for bed? If you want us to be on time at your sister's tomorrow, you should get some rest."

She smiled sleepily at me, all her energy gone in a flash. "Stay with me?" she asked again.

"Where else am I going to go?" I replied, stroking her hair.

After minutes in the bathroom, Bella emerged looking more tired than ever. I'd pulled back the bed covers, wishing I could somehow warm the sheets for her. Instead, I moved toward my edge of the bed to keep the chill off of her, my book on my lap. She scowled at me and crawled under the blankets.

"Why are you so far away?" she said, holding her arms out to me.

"I thought you'd want to warm up. The bed is cold, and so am I."

"Warm, I can get any time. You, I need in order to sleep," she commanded.

I laughed. "When Yoda I did start dating?"

"I'm too tired to talk straight. Shut up and hold me. This is the last invitation you'll get."

"Ever?" I raised my eyebrows as I slid in next to her.

"For tonight." She closed her eyes. The scowl was gone, in its place my favorite smile, and Bella immediately sank into sleep.

With my arms wrapped around my love, I finally addressed the thoughts I'd pushed away. What would happen when I met her family tomorrow? Her sister was planning a large midday meal; Bella and I devised a way for me to take food along with the rest of the family and disguise its disposal. That was a minor issue, though. I worried about how they would judge my appearance. Would they accept me? Would her father deem me worthy for his younger daughter?

Would they _like_ me?

For the past several months, I've been drinking in the joys of our loving relationship like I'd staggered out of the Sahara after 100 years of pointless wandering. Once the secret of my existence was revealed and I determined that I could control my bloodlust, I slowly allowed myself to feel optimistic, happy, even light -- well, lighter than normal. My distinct advantage was having Bella to myself. She knew very few people in the Forks area; my family had become hers. And I'd teased her when she was so anxious about being with them the first few times, not comprehending how nerve-wracking it could be. I'd never had to feel what she went through in facing the family of the person you love for the first time.

I was about to find out that payback was indeed a bitch.

We were due to arrive at her sister's house at 1 p.m. During the drive, Bella tried to keep me occupied with light talk about the black bear overpopulation in Sussex County, joking that Emmett could probably take care of that problem in the time of our visit. Periodically, she glanced at me, and I could see sympathy in her eyes. I didn't want her to feel sorry for me. I looked away, out the window to my right, and I felt her warm hand encircle mine.

"Please don't worry," she said softly.

"I'm not," I answered curtly.

"Yes, you are," she responded firmly. "My family might be weird and difficult in a lot of ways, but I know they want to see me happy. And they finally will."

Direct, soothing and effective -- she always knew what to say to me. I had to smile, and I kissed the hand that essentially held my life. "My father probably won't talk much, but if you engage him about sports, he'll like that," she continued. "He and my brother in law are big Giants fans. My dad likes the Yankees, too. Do you have any of the teams' histories stored in that big ol' brain of yours?"

"I read up on all of it when you told me your dad liked them," I acknowledged.

"Thank you," she said gratefully. "That will come in handy. My dad will love it if you talk about any of their past championships or key players. Plus," she added, "they all know I'm quiet. It won't seem odd to them if you are, too."

Before we left for the East Coast, she'd reviewed everything she'd told her sister about me. Pat knew I was also a pharmacist, but Bella had not gone into great detail about my family or my past. This enabled us to coordinate our story, much of which wasn't a lie: my parents died a number of years ago; I was in foster care for awhile; my siblings and I were adopted by Carlisle and Esme.

The terrain had grown almost mountainous, and the area became more rural as we drove. We'd left the interstate and were heading north on a state highway when Bella turned onto a residential street and directed the car into a driveway where the house sat back on a small incline. Children's toys were scattered around the lawn, and I heard several dogs barking.

"I asked my sister to make sure the dogs were kept in their pen. I told her I didn't want them jumping on you. They are pretty rambunctious, but I was mostly concerned that they'd freak out when they caught your scent," she explained as she shut off the motor.

Turning to me and grabbing my hands, she gave me a huge grin. "You know how I usually worry? I'm not worried about this; it'll be fine. Let's go. It's showtime."

I slowly opened my door and found Bella at my side -- a first, considering it was usually the other way around. She almost ran to the rear stairs that led to the second floor of the house, tugging at my hand the entire way. "Come on. This leads to the deck which is behind the kitchen -- just like my apartment," she said, smiling and trying to put me at ease. "You can walk up. No need to hide in the trees and drop down." I laughed in spite of myself.

There was a grill on the deck; of course I had smelled the food from a distance. The dogs had increased their frantic barking the moment I stepped out of the car. _Darn dogs. They're staying in the pen until everyone leaves,_ I heard in the thoughts of someone male. I steeled myself against the scent of the cooking meat and saw the back of a tall man with a medium build and graying curly hair.

"Hey Tom!" Bella called. I heard the surprise in his thoughts. _They're here! Pat's gonna be so happy._

He turned swiftly, barbeque tongs in his right hand. "Bella! You made it! Great to have you back!" I heard the squealing voices of children as Bella and her brother-in-law hugged.

"Tom, I want you to meet Edward," she said, looking at me fondly.

"Hey Edward. Great to meet you. Hope you like Jersey burgers," he said, flashing a shy smile.

I returned the grin without exposing too much of my teeth, and grasped the hand he extended to me. "I like this one best," I said, rubbing Bella's back with my other hand.

_Ha! Good joke. Jeez, I guess this guy is used to warmer weather,_ he said in reaction to my cold grip. To his credit, he didn't stare down at his own hand, as others sometimes did when I touched them.

Three screaming kids appeared at the sliding door. "Aunt Bella's here! Aunt Bella's here! Look, Mom!" they chanted, their thoughts a cacaphony of excitement.

"Hey guys!" Bella said, laughing. She scooted down on the floor to welcome their embraces. "Oooh, you're all so big! I missed you!" They swarmed all over her. "I want you to meet my boyfriend," Bella said, gesturing to me. We'd agreed to use the conventional terms "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" on this trip, since it was the easiest way to refer to each other.

The three kids stood still and stared at me, eyes wide. "This is Edward Cullen. He came with me from all the way out west to meet you!" she said. "Do you want to tell him your names?"

The first one said, "I'm Will. I'm the oldest 'cause I'm seven."

Another one, the only girl, said, "I'm Margaret. I'm five and I'm in school now." I could see Bella in her face, as small as she was.

The littlest one hid behind his sister and shoved his fist in his mouth. "Aw, come on, Tommy," Bella coaxed. He smiled but ducked his head.

"He's three," she said, smiling. "Still pretty shy."

"Oh my God, you're here!" a voice called, and I turned as a short-haired woman of about 30 dashed in through the adjoining kitchen. Bella's sister Pat, of course-- she had the same warm, slightly sour smell as her kids. She grabbed Bella into a hug. "How are you? Did you have a good flight?"

I saw a familial resemblance between Bella and her sister, although Pat was taller and had blue eyes. The heart-shaped face was the same. She finally looked at me expectantly, waiting for Bella to make the introduction.

_Wow. This guy's stunning. Is this how they grow them in Washington State?_ I had to work hard to contain my laughter at that. She and Bella shared a sense of humor.

"Pat, this is Edward, my boyfriend," Bella said. I glanced at her before turning my attention back to her sister, and saw she was glowing.

I extended my hand but Pat laughed and pulled me into her for a hug. "Oh my God, don't even. Save that for our father," she said, grinning.

_Jeebus, he smells amazing. What the hell _is_ that?_

"It's so nice to meet you. I've heard so much about you," I said, drawn in by her laughter in spite of my nerves.

"Oh, yeah, I'll bet Bella's told you lots," she said, rolling her eyes --another familiar sight. "Like all the times I made her cover for me when I snuck out to see Tom, and then wouldn't let her borrow my shoes. All the great sister wars, right?"

"I did hear something about Tom jumping off your patio roof into the swimming pool in your yard," I admitted.

"Ssssshhh! Our dad still doesn't know about that," Pat admonished me. "Hey Dad? Bella just arrived!"

Here we go.

I heard brief bits of thoughts with intermittent silence, almost like interrupted, spotty radio reception. _Bella!...made it...back home._ Fascinating. She must have inherited the shielding tendency from him.

An aging, gray-haired man with Bella's expressive brown eyes rounded the corner and stepped into the kitchen. "Hey! How was the trip?" he asked, returning Bella's hug.

"Hi Dad. Everything went fine, no problems," she responded. I noticed the slight amount of tension in her voice, and the easy joking tone she had with her sister and the children receded. In her father's thoughts, though, there was nothing but joy at seeing his younger daughter again. Although I could only hear sporadic words, the relief and happiness were unmistakeable.

"You brought the rain with you," he observed, but he was smiling.

"Yeah, I guess we did. Dad, this is Edward, my boyfriend," Bella said, turning first to him and then to me. She watched me with an encouraging look in her eyes.

I put my hand out and said, "It's so good to meet you, Mr. Swan."

He took my hand and gave it one fierce shake, and I heard _nice firm...cold...hair_, with no other words to string them together cohesively.

At that moment, Pat's mother and father in law arrived, raising the din of voices and thoughts. I was hastily introduced to Ted and Barbara, who quickly shook my hand and diverted their attention to their grandchildren. Charlie Swan greeted them and then drifted back to the living room, where the television set broadcast a Yankee game.

Bella tugged at my hand. "Let's go sit down with my dad." He'd taken a seat at the left end of the sofa.

I followed her over and sat between her and her dad, smiling and waiting a few polite minutes to see if he would start a conversation. Unsurprisingly, he was quiet, so I began asking him about the Yankees, and how long he'd been a fan. He didn't offer much besides a few opinions of players current and past, and then fell to silence.

Suddenly, he burst out with, "So, how's work?"

"It's going fine, Dad. I really like the hospital," Bella responded.

"How's your apartment?"

"It's small, but it's nice. My landlady is easy to get along with. I have a cat now," she added.

"Yeah, I thought that would happen before too long," he said, almost in a teasing manner.

More silence. I decided to jump into the deep end of the pool. "Did Bella bring home many cats when she was a kid?" I asked in my most mellow voice, still with the smile plastered on my face.

He chuckled and waved his hand dismissively. "She would've had us taking in ever stray in the city if she could," he said. Out of his range of vision, Bella looked at me and rolled her eyes.

"She's definitely an animal lover," I added.

Charlie nodded. "She would have made a great vet, but she didn't want to do that." He shrugged. "Well, she could never put an animal down or kill it anyway, so I guess it's just as well."

It didn't escape my notice that Bella's father spoke as if she wasn't even in the room, but Bella seemed to take it in stride. "I like the pharmacy, Dad. I'm helping people," she said, a smile in her voice.

"Gonna open up your own drugstore?" he asked gruffly.

"What?" Bella was shocked and gave me a "where did _that_ come from?" look. "Why would I do that? I have a good job."

"Be your own boss! Is there a pharmacy in your town?" her father said.

"There is in the supermarket," she explained. "Dad, I like the hospital. I'm fine there." Her voice now sounded edgy.

"Never hurts to have a job where nobody can fire you," he said severely.

"I'm not interested in owning my own business. This isn't a great economy for that anyway," Bella said with exaggerated patience.

"Well, that's true," he mumbled, and then was silent. I watched her throughout most of this exchange, and although it looked as if she was maybe, possibly, considering losing her temper, she stayed calm and slipped her hand in mine. A rueful smile came over her face, as if she was saying, "See what I mean?"

I certainly did. Neither of them had much patience, but her father had the added disadvantage of coming from a generation that couldn't clearly express their feelings. The worry and pride he felt for Bella came out all wrong, and she responded defensively. The two of them were a bit of an incendiary combination. She let it go, though, and I was proud of her.

Her sister stuck her head in the room then and said, "The food is ready!" Bella looked at me mischievously and said, "Let's eat."

We lined up around the table in the dining room, with everyone grabbing hamburgers or hot dogs and side dishes. Bella and I returned to the living room and sat on the couch again. This time, I sat on the complete opposite end of the couch from her father, with Bella between us and Tom in a recliner to the right of Charlie. Our plan to make it appear as if I'd eaten would work as long as the television remained on.

Bella casually chewed her food and nudged some salad off my plate with her fork. I held my burger in my hand but didn't actually take a bite, pretending to be focused on the game. With the other men in the room also absorbed by baseball, we were able to keep Bella's plate next to mine and have her surreptitiously take my food, a little at a time, until it appeared as if I had eaten almost half of my meal. We remained in our seats for another fifteen or twenty minutes, as if the television was mind-numbingly fascinating. I wondered if this would work because surely Bella's family knew she cared little for sports. Once the Yankees blew a run, her dad and brother-in-law began a disgusted conversation, and Bella asked me, "Are you finished?"

"Yes."

"Here, I'l take it. I'm going to the trash." She deftly took my paper plate and flipped it over her own, then crushed the two of them in half. As she walked past her father, she offered to bring him some more food. He shook his head and barely looked at her.

Bella strolled into the kitchen and crammed the plates into the trash can. Mission accomplished.

While she was up, her niece dragged her down the hall, giggling about showing off some new toys. I saw Pat in the kitchen and decided to join her there.

"Can I give you any help?" I noticed she was loading the dishwasher.

"No, thank you." She glanced up and flashed me a grin. "Did you have enough to eat?"

"Oh, yes, I'm quite full, thank you." A beat passed, and then I remembered what else I needed to say. "It was all delicious. Thank you so much for inviting me."

"It's great to have you here. Bella's told me about you in the past few months. Did you grow up in the Pacific Northwest?" She was considering the best polite conversation to make. I could see from her thoughts that she was also shy, though not as much as her sister.

"No, I lived in Chicago for awhile. We moved to Washington several years ago. I understand you're a preschool teacher?"

Pat laughed. "Well, I was until I gave birth to my own preschool. I've been at home for the past few years."

I smiled. "Of course. Do you miss it?"

"No, not really," she said, closing the dishwasher's door. "I teach my kids when I can, to try and get them ready for school. They're not always great students, though." _I'm going to have to do at least two loads in order to get this kitchen cleaned up, _she thought, momentarily distracted.

"Maybe it's harder to take when it comes from a parent."

She looked at me in appreciation. "I think that's exactly it." _Very perceptive._

"This trash can is completely full. Can I help you remove the liner?"

"That would be great, Edward. Thank you," she replied, handing me a new trash bag. "Are you a sports fan?"

"Not as much as your husband and father seem to be. I like going to some live games, but I don't make a hobby out of following teams," I explained.

_Just like Bella. _"No wonder you and my sister get along so well," she said.

I smiled again. "You can tell that after seeing us together for the first time?"

_Oh yes I can, handsome. My sister is totally in love with you. Looks like you're in love with her, too, and I'd better be right about that. _

"Yes, I think so," she replied thoughtfully. "You two look like you fit."

I nodded, wanting to somehow address the thoughts I wasn't supposed to know. "I care very much for her. She's a wonderful woman. There aren't many like her, and I'm not inclined to let her go," I said firmly.

She regarded me in an appraising manner. _God, I hope he means that. Doesn't seem like a liar, despite the movie-star looks._ "I'm very glad to hear you say that. She had a rough time with her last relationship, when she was still living here," she said carefully.

I nodded. "I know. She told me about him. I don't know whether to thank him or break his neck," I said, meaning it completely.

Pat laughed and squeezed my arm, then looked briefly surprised. I winced, worried that she'd hurt her fingers, but she interpreted it as pain. _Ooops. Did I hurt him? Crap, he's made of muscle, though!_

It was a good time to end a good conversation. "Um...I think I'll go find Bella. I believe Margaret dragged her off somewhere?"

She motioned toward the end of the hall outside the kitchen. "They're in her room. All the way at the end, past the bathroom."

I found Bella and Margaret on Margaret's bed, hunkered over some books, with dolls and stuffed animals surrounding them. Margaret was reading to her toys while Bella gently helped when she stumbled over a word. They didn't see me at first; and I took advantage of that to watch them quietly, without Bella becoming self-conscious. I hadn't had the opportunity to see this side of her; although she was silly and loving often enough with me, it was different with her sister's children. She adopted that easy lack of inhibition that adults often have when they're happy to be with kids. I enjoyed watching her even as I felt the pain of knowing that I'd never be able to give her a child. Unsurprisingly, she would make a good mother. It was yet another joy she'd have to do without if she stayed with me.

I saw Bella inhale, and she must have detected my scent because her head popped up in my direction. She gave me an affectionate smile and said, "Hey."

"Hey, yourself. Enjoying the book?"

"Yup. Almost as much as Margaret is." They were done reading, and the little girl rolled over on her bed and grabbed a stuffed dog. "This is Tony!" she said excitedly to Bella.

"Tony! That's an unusual name for a dog. Why'd you pick that?" Bella asked, tickling Margaret gently.

"My best friend in kindergarten is Tony." She handed the dog to Bella, and then walked over to me with a stuffed Santa Claus. "You can hold him. He plays music."

Bella laughed and said, "That's perfect, Mags. Edward plays music, too. Really well, as a matter of fact."

I wound up the key on Santa's back, and he played "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." Judging by his worn and dirty appearance, he was a year-round favorite. "That's a lovely song. Thank you for letting me hold him."

"Just give him back when you go," Margaret warned. "I need him."

Bella chuckled and said, "I know what you mean, sweetie." She slid off the bed and came over to put her arms around my waist. "I need my music man, too." After glancing at her watch, she added, "I think it's getting late. We should probably go; it'll take us at least an hour to get to the pub." We were scheduled to meet her friends soon.

"Are you sure? You've hardly seen your family."

She shrugged. "I knew it would be a short visit. I hope this motivates them to come and see me next time." Bella and Margaret gave each other loud smacking kisses, and I took my love's hand to make the rounds of her family members for a goodbye.

"At the rate you've been driving, we'll make it back to Morristown in minutes," I teased her as we climbed back into the sedan.

Bella grinned smugly. "Something about being back here and knowing the roads so well -- it brings out the speed racer in me."

"I'll say." For a human, anyway.  
"This is a beautiful car, Edward Thank you for renting it."  
"Do you want one?"  
She hit the brake in shock. "What, you'd just give me a Mercedes Benz worth $200,000 like it was an apple?"  
"I'd give you both if I thought for a second that's what you wanted." A flashback of Bella with her niece, in the kind of domestic scene she would never fully be a part of with me, drove me to think of ways I could nominally make it up to her.  
Bella pulled up the emergency brake and ran her hand through my hair. "All I want is you."  
I leaned into her touch. "You already have that."  
"Exactly my point. You're an older model, which means you have a standard transmission, plus you've got all the options I need." She grinned before driving away. "Please don't let me come home to find a Mercedes parked in front of the house. I know it won't be Mrs. Farrelly's and I'll know it was from you. The alarm clock is enough."  
"For the time being."  
She sighed, then laughed. "You don't need to do anything like that, really, Edward."  
"I haven't had a girlfriend in more than 100 years. I have a lot of great gift ideas stored up."  
"Give me the gift of music."  
"I've been _trying_ to_._ You'll finally part with that antique you call a stereo?"  
"No, I'll allow you to take charge of the music in the car. It doesn't have to be Bruce. Find something you like."  
"You're trying to distract me."  
"Is it working?"  
"Not really."

Bella had been smiling the whole time, but her face turned suddenly serious. "This really means a lot to you." It was a statement, not a question.

"Yes, actually it does. I feel like there's so little I can do for you, and I really have the means to-" She was already shaking her head.

"Edward, you don't understand," she said sadly. "You really don't see what you've added to my life?"  
"Sure I do. I'm contributing an element of danger that's off the charts," I said, unable to keep the bitterness from my tone.

Her brief look of anger quickly turned to distress. "That's so untrue," she said. "And let's not forget that you make a lot of sacrifices to be with me."

I snorted. "I'm not sacrificing anything. I'm grateful every day that I found you and that you allow me to be in your life. You've saved me, Bella."

She sighed, glancing out the window to her left. "It makes me so sad to hear you talk like that. I don't know how to get you to understand how much you've done for me, how much I love you." Bella clasped my hand. "You're an amazing man who's taken the best of what can be learned over nearly two lifetimes. I get the benefit of all that. You took what was inflicted on you and turned it around and made a life out of it. You resist your instincts every day to protect me and everyone else. Why can't you see that?"

"I know what a monster I am. I've killed people, Bella."

"Before you knew better," she said, her tone still dejected. "You could have killed me quickly, but you didn't. You hated me for making you feel vulnerable, and you could have easily just..._removed _me, but you didn't. I can't even imagine how hard that was. You didn't know me then. But the better part of you held you back. You didn't hurt me."

"You give me credit for too much. I didn't realize it at the time, but I wanted you in other ways, too. I am nothing if not selfish," I replied quietly.

"Aaargghh!" Bella flung her hands in the air in frustration. "Tell you what. If you start thinking about yourself as the good man you are, I promise I'll really try to think of myself as someone you can actually love."

I was about to jump on her for the ridiculousness of that statement -- as if I could feel any other way toward her -- but I knew that would only spark another continuous loop of conversation where we both denied what we had to offer. I moved back to our original conversation.

"Where does my desire to give you a gift once in a while fit in?"

"Hmmmm..." she murmured, tapping her fingers on the steering wheel. "I hate thinking you bought something for me because I need it and can't afford to get it myself. On the other hand, I don't really want or approve of frivolous things, either. So that creates a bit of a dilemma."

"Well, thank you for acknowledging that, at least."

"Maybe...just don't do it that often? If you can hold back on the quantity, I promise I'll leave the quality up to you."

I pulled back sideways in my seat to stare at her in shock. "Really?"

"Yeah. Probably. I guess," she said reluctantly. "You just met my father. You now know why I'm sensitive to any inference that I can't support myself."

I did understand that a little better; I could see how a soul as sensitive as Bella had a difficult time thriving in the wake of a father who couldn't express what he really felt, so it essentially came out sideways. "I know, love, I do," I said. "Please remember that I like doing things for you out of the joy of being able to do it. I've lived my whole life without having that kind of fun. Don't deny it to me now that I've found you."

She raised an eyebrow. "That sounds suspiciously like a guilt trip."

I shrugged. "If that's what works." She knew my grin meant I was teasing her.

"Okay. I did promise Alice, anyway. I'll try to be better about it, even though being gracious is not in my nature," she replied.

After arriving at the bar, Bella and I remained with her friends for a few hours before she reluctantly said we should call it a night. I could see in her face that she already missed them as we shook hands and exchanged hugs; I heard in their minds how much they wished she had a longer visit. I was delighted that Bella's friends seemed satisfied with me as her companion; judging by their internal reactions, they intuited our love and closeness. I was glad for myself, of course, selfishly wanting their approval, but I was also happy for Bella, because I knew it was easier on her if her family and friends approved of me. The fact that she lived clear across the country now didn't matter; she would want to know that our relationship sat right with them. For that matter, so did I. I was enormously relieved that no one seemed to suspect anything about my true nature.

"That was just wonderful. Oh, Edward, they liked you very much," Bella said warmly as we left.  
"I really liked them too," I assured her. "I can tell they're all good people. They care a great deal about you, and that alone gives me reason to appreciate them. I wish you had such good friends in Washington."

"I have you and your family," she assured me. "Alice has become a good friend, too, you know."

"I'm happy about that as well," I said. "I hope you're ready for her whirlwind tour of every clothing and shoe store in Manhattan tomorrow. Are you _sure_ you want to go?"

Bella had decided that she preferred us to go to New York City tomorrow with my family. I was surprised, partly because I assumed she'd want to return to more places in New Jersey and partly because Alice didn't even nag her about shopping. She'd concluded this on her own.  
"Oh, sure. I kind of miss New York, too. It'll be fun," she said, grinning.  
We were about to turn left into the inn's parking lot when a car ran a stop sign and almost hit us. The idiot behind the wheel motioned for us to back up.  
Bella raised her eyebrows in disbelief. I was just about to dash out of the car and give him the fright he deserved when she rolled down the driver's side window.  
"You had the stop!" Bella called out to the driver, calm but angry.  
He began yelling at her and I moved again to jump out of the car, but Bella must have known I'd try that because her hand shot out to stop me.  
"How about if I call the cops? I can wait 'til they get here and see you ran the stop sign," she yelled, still polite but much louder. With a sharp jerk, she pulled up the emergency brake and folded her arms across her chest.

The driver began cursing, but I had no time to react as Bella roared impatiently, "_Back_ your _ass_ up buddy!" Still muttering, the other driver threw his car in reverse and moved to where he'd been a few minutes ago.

I looked at her in amazement. I'd never heard her talk like that. Scowling, Bella drove into the parking lot and glanced over at me.

"What?" she said, confused by the way I was regarding her.

"I think I'm afraid of you right now. In fact, I think Emmett would be afraid of you right now."  
She laughed. "Really? I should do that more often."  
"I had no idea you had such a temper."  
"Only with people who deserve it."

She'd cut Janice down that day in the pharmacy when Pete made the delivery error. Bella could stick up for herself when she needed to; it seemed she was even learning to do that with Charlie. These were parts of her that might have taken me forever to discover if our relationship wasn't unusual to begin with. I gave her credit for being stronger than I may have thought.

My phone buzzed with a text from Alice informing me that they had returned to the hotel. I'd asked Alice to pick up something for me in Manhattan, so I replied that we were on our way back and I'd stop by her room after Bella and I got in.  
I wondered how Jasper had done in New York today. If it was crowded, he might have had difficulty handling all the emotions of thousands of people crowding him on the sidewalk. I wasn't looking forward to hearing the thoughts of all those people tomorrow, though I'd become proficient at tuning them out. Jasper, however, had no such blocking advantage; anyone walking by him who was feeling sorrow, agony, anger, irrational happiness or even lust would pass along those feelings to him. If they just returned, however, he must have managed it well, because they'd been in the city all day.  
Bella and I entered our suite, and I stayed for a few minutes before excusing myself, explaining that I needed to talk to my family. When I returned, she had changed into her usual sweat pants and tee shirt, and she was sitting on the bed, reading. She looked up with curiosity when she heard me shut the door.  
"Everything okay?" she asked, looking concerned. Her eyes widened when she saw what I had in my hand.  
"Yes, and I hope it continues to be okay. I have a gift for you, and I'm a little concerned you're going to be mad at me," I said with exaggerated nervousness.  
"What? Edward, you shouldn't-" She began the expected response, but I shushed her.  
"I know. You did tell me I could buy you a gift, right? As it happens, we are in the perfect part of the country for me to get you something I know for a fact you'll like."  
"You know it for a fact?" She was distracted for a moment by my smug certainty.  
"Yes, and I'm hoping that means you won't tell me to back my ass up." I handed her a small, gift-wrapped box from Tiffany's.  
Bella reached around and pulled on the back pocket of my jeans until I was sitting next to her. "Keep your ass right here." She glared at me as if she was going to protest again, but then shook her head and began unwrapping.

Inside the box was an elegant single string of pearls, fashioned into a choker. Bella's eyes widened again and then filled with tears.

"Edward, it's beautiful." She stared at me in wonder. "You bought this for me?"

"Of course." I waited for the usual signs of annoyance that I'd spent money on her, but there were none. Instead, she leaned over and kissed me over my forehead, eyes, and nose, before drawing back to look in my eyes again.

"No one's ever done anything like this for me. They're perfect. How did you know that pearls are about the only jewelry I like?" Tears squeezed out the corners of her eyes, then she laughed as we both said, "Alice."

"I used Tiffany's Web site to choose the one I thought you'd like best. I had Alice pick it up today," I explained, suddenly shy in the face of her unbridled gratitude. I'd honestly expected an argument.  
Bella threw her arms around me and whispered, "Thank you." We kissed for a few extremely passionate moments before I pulled away to say, "Put it on. I'd like to make sure it fits."  
"Can you help me with it?"  
I secured the clasp and moved her slightly by her shoulders so I could see her with the pearls. Perfect. She was as lovely as I'd ever seen her, even wearing a ratty tee shirt. What made the look complete was the radiant smile on her face.

"I have to say..." I started, sounding slightly confused, "you're taking this awfully well."

She blushed and ducked her head. "You know how uncomfortable I am with this. I'm trying to accept your presents because I know they come from your heart. And I admit," she said, fingering the pearls, "I have always secretly wanted a necklace exactly like this."  
I pulled her on my lap and hugged her. "You have no idea how happy that makes me."  
Bella raised one eyebrow. "Don't get carried away. I don't want to wake up some morning and find a Mercedes in my driveway."  
I laughed. "Now _that's_ the Bella I usually see. Just let the other one come out every so often."

****

**Author's Note:**

**A few events in this chapter might seem insignificant, so let me make a couple of points about them. Bella's motion sickness comes into play later on, as does her intermittent temper. They become part of the events – not huge, but integral -- as the story winds down. I mention this so you know they are important and not some just things I threw in for the heck of it. I know the chapter is long enough as it is!**

**Speaking of which, I made an editorial decision to cut out the part where Edward and Bella meet her friends. It made the chapter too long, so Bella will talk about that a bit in ****the future. The important event here is that Edward has met her family, and I wanted the reader to get his perspective on her relationship with them.**

**Thanks again for reading! Reviews are the best Christmas present, and they don't cost a thing. **


	21. Bella, Chapter 11

**Bella, Chapter 11**

** This chapter picks up at the time that Bella and Edward are driving to see her friends. **

**Thanks to all of my readers for sticking with me and reviewing. Special thanks to Camilla for her good eye, and to my husband who's always glad to extra-beta.**

The sedan sped along I-80, sure and steady in the way that a $200,000 auto can afford to be. And I, a middle-class youth from New Jersey who is not in the mob, was behind the wheel of this Mercedes with my vampire more-than boyfriend as my passenger, his cool touch glancing over the back of my hand. Things had certainly changed since I lived in this state.

The afternoon at my sister's house went well. It was everything I hoped for, and everything I expected. Edward was silent at the moment. I didn't think I could love him any more for the way he'd handled this "meet the family" adventure. My worry over how Edward would react to my dad's reticence was unfounded. It occurred to me that maybe Edward's mind-reading ability helped him discern the things I knew my dad couldn't say very well, but Edward told me my dad's thinking was a challenge for him to read. Apparently I inherited more than my father's brown eyes. All he heard from Charlie were bursts of thoughts whose meanings were not always obvious. Somehow, I was not surprised.

We were headed to see my friends Colleen, Lisa, Kim and David for a short time before returning to the hotel. I was less nervous about this introduction, guessing they'd fall in love with Edward almost as much as I did. Because Edward knew their importance to me was in some ways greater than my family's, I thought he might feel more apprehensive about this rendezvous. He was old-fashioned enough to consider the introduction to my dad and sister as an important part of our courtship, to use a term he would like. But he knew that my fractious relationship with my parents had driven me to seek refuge with my college buds, and thus their judgment would carry great weight with me. So although I was confident about our next visit, Edward was less so.  
But he charmed them effortlessly, as I knew he would; the conversation flowed easily, from the memories we recounted of school -- most of them embarrassing for me, to Edward's delight -- to work and sports. The dimness of the bar was an advantage; it helped keep Edward's visage in shadow so his pale skin did not stand out, particularly next to the olive hue of David's Italian pigment.  
Colleen, my dearest friend, most valued partner in admittedly low-level crime, and shoulder-to-cry-on extraordinaire, leaned over and whispered, "What a find. God, Bells, he's amazing." After another few seconds of staring, she added, "And you deserve every bit of him."  
Edward, David and Kim were talking about working in hospitals; Kim had recently received her master's in social work and was employed with the Social Services department in St. Joseph's of Paterson. I watched as my man -- not merely my vampire, boyfriend, or lover (yet) -- listened intently to her observations about the difficulties of finding appropriate resources for the people who came to the emergency room as a last resort. The unemployed, the drug addicted, the domestically abused, the uninsured -- Kim tried her best to help these forgotten ones, and I saw Edward's quick assessment of her compassion and the lines of concern that drew across his face. Certainly he was reading her thoughts, but that helped prove she was sincere.  
Lisa grabbed my arm and jerked her head in the direction of the women's restroom. "Come with me," she instructed.  
The space was so tight, the two stalls must have been fashioned out of a janitor's closet. I nearly jammed Lisa's elbow as she reapplied lip gloss.  
"How are you doing, girl?" I asked, trying not to sound excessively concerned. Lisa had her own problems with men; although she was far more outgoing and adventuresome than I and therefore had many more prospects, she'd often wound up in the same place. I knew she'd recently broken up with a longstanding boyfriend, and even though it had been on-again off-again, she was devastated. I could understand that kind of loss even as I tried to avoid remembering how it felt.  
"I'm not too bad, actually," she replied, twisting the lid back on the gloss. "Mark and I talk every so often."

I watched her as she dug inside her purse and I knew she wasn't meeting my eyes for a reason. It was odd, being on this end of sympathy. Normally, my friends were propping me up after another round of relationship ruin. "But the two of you aren't together?" I asked.

"No, not right now. Not sure if it's ever gonna happen again." She sighed, then brightened. "Any more out west like Edward? I'll move to Washington if there are."

_How do I answer that one?_ "No, unfortunately. Edward is pretty rare." _This is true. _

"He's great, Bells. You're entitled to be happy." Her sadness tugged at the corner of her lovely eyes, preventing her smile from reaching them.

"You are too, you know. I mean, if it can happen to me, it can happen to anyone." _I hope you find someone who is as wonderful as Edward, with slightly less immortality. Duller teeth, too_. "Hey, you should come out to visit me, though. It'd be great, and it's so beautiful there. The scenery alone will make you forget your problems." _That's about 80 percent correct_.

"Okay. Maybe you can take me to the reservation and introduce me to some nice native guys."

_Maybe not...._"Uh, sure." Then I perked up: I could get her together with John Blackhorse. It would get his attention off of me, and Lisa's attention off of Mark. That might work out well. I'd just have to explain why Edward stays at my apartment throughout the night despite the fact that we aren't sleeping together, technically or otherwise; why he never eats or drinks; why his entire family has those unique eyes and that other-worldly beauty, and, oh, about half a dozen other oddities.

I really wanted to find a way to comfort my friend. She would do the same for me, and in fact, she had, on many occasions. I couldn't count the times when Lisa made me laugh through my tears. Now that I was happy, I wanted my friends to have the same good fortune, for despite all the difficulties we had as a couple, Edward was giving me more love and peace of mind than I'd ever had in my life.

It was even enough to make up for the loss I'd feel if I could no longer be part of the lives of all the family and friends I'd seen today. More and more, I thought about my own immortality, knowing that was the only realistic way I could stay with Edward. Reunions like this would be nonexistent under those circumstances. It was difficult being a continent away from my loved ones. How hard would it be if we were separated by life and death?

As Edward and I prepared to leave, I felt tears in my eyes. He looked quickly in my direction and smiled indulgently, certain that I was sad about leaving. And I was, but not for the reasons he assumed. I gave silent thanks again for his inability to read my mind. I was certain that the idea of changing me would provoke an intense argument. We'd spoken of it only briefly, but I figured out Edward's opinion from his posture, tone of voice, and the forbidding thin-line set of his mouth. Although I was prepared to ultimately win by wearing him down, I didn't want to discuss the issue tonight. I was emotional enough as it was, having spent a long day in the company of people whose effect on me ranged from irritating and stressful to joyous and soothing. I threw a hissy fit when a driver almost hit our exceedingly expensive rental car by running a stop sign at the hotel, though Edward thought it was amusing. I don't lose my temper often enough. It felt good.

Once in the room, I changed into my sleepwear while Edward excused himself for a mysterious trip to Alice and Jasper's room. Why didn't we stop there on the way to our own suite? What did they need to talk about that excluded me? He returned looking a bit pensive, and I remained worried until I saw the Tiffany gift box in his hand.

That little sneak Alice had remembered my offhand comment about pearls, and how a single-strand choker was among the few items of jewelry I coveted. And she'd told Edward.

How could I refuse? The necklace was perfect; it was exactly the kind of thing I might actually buy for myself if I had cash to spare. More than that, it was the look on his face: excited, childlike, expectant, nervous, hopeful. I couldn't bear to say anything negative; I wouldn't hurt him, never mind that he'd disregarded my request to forgo expensive gifts. Abstinence seemed to apply to only one area of his life...two, if you count the fact that he was a vampire who didn't feast on human blood.

So, yes, it was the kind of over-the-top gesture I'd mock any other time, but I would make an exception tonight. His generosity touched me, and it obviously meant a great deal to him. Plus, I was still feeling fairly melodramatic from today's events -- it was like PMS without the bloating.

"I will wear this proudly, and as often as possible," I said emotionally. "I'd keep it on while I sleep, but I'm afraid I'd ruin it." A quick image flashed by: me wearing the string of pearls...and nothing else. How could _he_ refuse?

I mulled that over while Edward kissed me. It would be an interesting way to turn his compulsive generosity on its head.

"Feel like talking more about your family?" Edward stretched out on his side along the bed, watching me while propped up on his elbow.

I was laying on my back with my head on the pillow, staring at the ceiling. "Okay."

"Are you sure?" He touched my right cheek. "If you're too tired..."  
"No, I'm fine." I turned on my side so I was facing Edward. I figured that until he could look in my face, he'd doubt I was telling the truth.  
"I really did enjoy myself today. I was very concerned about how they would react to me, but I think it went well." His eyes shifted toward mine for confirmation.  
"Oh, they liked you. I think they saw how good we are together." My phrasing was intentional. "I think it was the right amount of time to spend at Pat's, especially since it was your first experience with them."  
Edward chuckled. "Come on. They're not that bad."  
I raised my eyebrows. "No," he insisted, "I really like your sister and brother-in-law. I can see they're fine people." He smiled wryly. "I'm very pleased that the woman I love comes from such good stock."  
Now I laughed. "And Charlie? He definitely liked you."  
"How do you know that?"  
"Twenty-plus years of living with him. Believe me, I can tell when he doesn't like something...or someone," I replied.  
Edward noticed I had looked away, and he cupped my face with his hand. "He loves you. He just can't express it. You're right when you say things come out all wrong with him. He's very proud of you."

"I know. It's easy to forget that, when he's so harsh. It's easy to forget that's his way." Edward stroked my arm, knowing I would continue, just waiting.

I hesitated even though I wanted to tell him this. "I think what made me feel worse is that I'm not sad that I left New Jersey. Some part of me feels good because I'm not around him all the time. It's like I'm relieved." I frowned and looked up to see Edward watching me intently. "Is that horrible? Charlie misses my mother terribly, and that hasn't made things easier for him. Maybe I should be more understanding. I can't help it, though." I sighed.  
He pulled me to him and stroked my hair. "You are the farthest thing from horrible. You've found the way to have a relationship with your father on your terms. Some people go through an entire lifetime and never figure that out," he said reassuringly. "Besides, he will love you no matter what."  
"He probably misses me."  
"He does. He was happier to see you than he could possibly tell you."  
"But I don't miss him that much," I whispered against Edward's chest. "I mean, I love him because he's my father, and I want to see him happy, I just...don't want to see him that often." I frowned. "I like my life now. I _like_ things the way they are now."  
"That's nothing to feel guilty about. You're an adult, and a mature, loving and compassionate one, I might add. Somewhere along the way, you turned out fine - more than fine. He did his job; you're fulfilling your role as a responsible adult daughter. You're certainly entitled to live your life as you want." He hugged me tightly. "Though I wonder what they would say if they knew all the details of your choice in a partner. They might wonder about your sanity, among many other things... "

"Don't start. It's too late to argue about how wonderful you are," I groaned.

I could feel Edward's smile against my hair. "But-" he continued. I silenced him with a kiss.

"I love you," I said, and though this was hardly a revelation at this point, I wanted him to know how much his efforts today, and his words tonight, meant to me. "Thank you for coming with me. Thank you for taking the chance of meeting my family. I know you jeopardized your safety by meeting them, because you opened yourself up to a lot of scrutiny." I toyed with the collar of his shirt. "And thank you for saying the perfect things to help me sort all this out. You knew I couldn't walk away from today without dwelling on it. And you knew the right words for pulling me out of that hole. You really are the antidote to Charlie's, um, venom."  
Edward chuckled as his cool hands rubbed my back. "I love you too," he said firmly. "And I'm very proud of you, as always." I reached up to kiss him, running my fingers through his hair around the back of his head. He'd given me great comfort today. Did I dare seek more from him? A little hesitant, I gently ran my tongue along his lower lip. I turned my head slightly so I could go for his upper lip in the same manner without looking like a toddler licking an ice cream sundae.

I could feel his response throughout his body. His kisses intensified, the pressure of his lips increasing against mine. I knew he wished he could open his mouth and take me in, join his tongue with mine, but he was too afraid for that. Still, we kissed as hard as we could.  
We were still lying side by side, pressed together. Edward brought his right knee up and rested it on top of mine while his hand explored my side, soothing yet exciting me. I wore only sweats and a baggy tee shirt, which was loose around my middle. Edward slowly moved his hand along my lower back and rested it there while we continued kissing. My hips were flush against his, and I could feel his erection. It was both erotic and frustrating, knowing I could arouse him like this while unable to do anything about it.

I wanted so much to touch him but I also didn't want to shock or offend him. It bothered me that I couldn't even tell him that. More and more, I felt like I could talk to him about anything, and yet this one topic still provoked discomfort. My insecurity was less about my own experience and more about starting an argument. I didn't want to fight with Edward. I wanted for us to be able to talk this through as we were learning to do with everything else. Sometimes, like now, I didn't want to talk at all. I wanted to express myself physically with him.  
So I did what had worked fairly well the last time. I gently took his hand and moved it north, just enough.  
Edward moaned and I braced myself for a scolding that never came. Instead, he moved his lips along my jawline and down my throat. I wondered briefly if this was becoming difficult for him but I refrained from speaking. As if I could anyway -- I was moaning too, from his touch, his lips, and even the suddenly random movement of his legs.  
"Bella," he said hoarsely, kissing the hollow of my throat. Then he stopped and lifted his head to face me. His gaze was full of sadness and longing, and reflexively, my expression mirrored his own. I knew what he was thinking.  
He suddenly halted, determination firming his expression. I brushed my fingers against his temple and asked, "What is it?" Without answering, he laid me down on my back and took my hands, kissing each of my fingers as he held them.

Edward gave me one more quick glance and then moved down around my stomach. He laid his head there for a few seconds, and then, much to my suprise, slowly lifted my shirt and started to kiss his way up. Soft, languorous, slightly wet kisses were left in random places near my navel, the center of my stomach, and my ribs. I shivered with the thrill of it, of feeling Edward's lips on a part of me where they'd never been. A familiar refrain in my head clanged that he _had_ to be stopping soon, but he didn't.

Slowly, more gently than ever, he reached the underside of my breast. I tried to stifle my gasp because I didn't want him to think I disapproved; if anything, I wanted to encourage him. I trailed my fingers through his hair, rubbing softly along his scalp in rhythmic, slow circles. That purring growl, an incredibly sensual sound that was pure Edward, was my reward. He stopped kissing me long enough to reach his hand under my shirt and cup my right breast, running his fingers over the top and gently massaging my nipple with his thumb.

Without giving him the chance to stop me, I sat up quickly and yanked off my tee shirt. For once in my life, I was able to do it in one fluid motion without getting it stuck around my head like an idiot. He stared at me, wide-eyed, and I kept my gaze locked in his, challenging him to protest.  
But he didn't. "You're so beautiful," he said in anguish. "I'm tired of trying to stay away from you, tired of denying myself your body..."  
"Then don't," I replied, cutting him off.  
Edward closed his eyes and breathed, as if in concentration, then lowered his head to my breast. I said a quick prayer that he could retain some of his control while loosening it at the same time, and then all thought fell away as his cold lips kissed me. He dragged his mouth across my breast, then shot his tongue out and licked my nipple. The sensation went right to the pit of my stomach. I didn't realize how deeply I was gasping and moaning, my voice an unfamiliar keening of desire.  
"Edward, Edward," I cried. It was impossible to keep my lower body still, and Edward placed his right hand just below my navel to steady me. He resumed kissing and licking my breasts, carefully sucking my nipples. The sensation of his mouth was light, but it ignited me completely. I treasured any touch from him like this. It heightened the pleasure because it was unexpected and rare.

Gradually, Edward kissed his way up my collarbone and neck. The look in his eyes when he met mine was pure passion, made brighter and more delicious by triumph.

I held his face in my hands and kissed him reverently, my eyes and their tears conveying my pleasure. Slowly, I moved my hand down his chest and rested it on the top of his jeans, my gaze now a question. His eyes widened as he guessed my intent, and he whispered, "Not tonight." Instead, he pulled off his own shirt and rolled me over on top of him. Soon, I vowed silently. _Soon._

My surprised laughter delighted him before we dissolved in another series of kisses. The cold planes of his chest and muscles drew my lust right back to the surface. Okay, so I couldn't touch him where I wanted to - yet - but this was good. No, this was great. I was lying directly along the length of his body, and the chill of his skin kept my nipples firm and waiting. I was aroused and amused at the same time. He slid his hand between us and gently palmed my breasts, head down, staring at them intently. I moaned again and rested my head on his shoulder. Watching him touch me this way, in the intimate places where he'd finally kissed me, was itself as erotic as any moment we'd had. He lifted his gaze to mine again and stared at me, his eyes half-lidded. Sighing, he kissed me softly and murmured his love over and over again.

Several minutes passed before Edward stretched his arm and grabbed my shirt from where I'd thrown it to the corner of the bed. He pulled it over my head and helped guide my arms through the sleeves. I snuggled into his chest, thrilled that he made no move to put his own shirt back on, and kissed his own nipples mischievously. He shuddered in pleasure before groaning, "Bella, I think it's time for you get some sleep."

"You think I'll be able to fall asleep that easily?"

He laughed. "Well, it is getting late."  
"Give me a few minutes here." I tilted my head back so I could see his face. "I just..." and then I couldn't complete my thought.

"What?" He stroked my face with his index finger.

"Thank you. I know that sounds silly, but I'm not sure what else to say."

"You don't have to-"

"No, please," I insisted. "You have to fight against so much for this. I love you, I really do."

His eyes softened. "I love you too. And you have no idea how much more I'm fighting at this point," he said, ending with a smirk.

"Really? I can help you with that."

"Another time." That was the biggest concession I'd obtained from him so far. I tucked that way for future reference and lay back down on the pillow. Edward hummed a lullabye, his voice sure and soft, while I drifted off to sleep.

The Cullen coven plus one convened in the lobby at 9 a.m. the next morning, Edward having successfully roused the human in enough time to be ready for our trip to New York. Still, we were the last ones to meet up with the family. My nervousness spiked the moment I saw Rosalie.

She was impatiently tapping her foot, her arms crossed over her chest. "This is ridiculous," she fumed. "We could have stayed in Manhattan and just walked out of the hotel on to Fifth Avenue." Although she wasn't looking at me, it was clear she was addressing me.

"Yes, it is somewhat ridiculous," I acknowledged, taking a step over to her. She looked at me sideways, still facing where Emmett was standing next to her. "And I appreciate your willingness to come here instead. It meant a lot to me to have Edward meet my family. I know that's why you're all here instead of at The Plaza. Thank you." I meant it, but I thought it was also a way to defuse her. The last thing I wanted was to set a bad tone for the entire day.

Edward came up and put his arm around me, looking at Rose meaningfully. "Oh, all right," she grumbled, snatching her scarf up from a chair. "Let's just stop wasting time and go."

As we turned to leave, Edward whispered, "I think that's about the most you can expect from her." Of course Rose heard him: she chose to ignore him. Carlisle let out a soft sigh, and Esme shook her head in annoyance.

We rode with Alice and Jasper, who drove the Mercedes. I wondered briefly who decided on the travel arrangements today, then decided not to let it bother me. Second to Edward, I preferred Alice's company anyway. She laid out about a dozen possibilities for the shops that she _definitely_ wanted to take me through today.

"Alice, she's only human," Edward warned.

She stuck her tongue out at him. "She can take it. She's already proven that."

"Maybe there are a few places Bella would like to go," he said pointedly, turning to me.

"I really want to stop in Argosy Books on 59th Street. Other than that, I'm flexible," I assured him.

"Well, good, that's right in midtown, where we'll be most of the day anyway," Alice said.

We parked in a garage on Fifth Avenue near 42nd Street, and began our trek north. The weather was perfect: completely overcast, almost drizzly, and about 65 degrees. "Did you want to stop anywhere...go to a museum or something?" I asked Edward.

"I know better than to thwart my sister when she's got our day all planned out. So, in a word, no. I'm interested in seeing the bookstore you mentioned, though," he replied.

"You'll like it. They have a lot of rare books and maps." I thought for another minute. "There's always so much to do here. We'll have to come back some time when we can spend an entire weekend going to museums and parks and some of the more famous neighborhoods," I said.

He hugged my waist. "That sounds perfect. How about the Fourth of July?"

"Have Alice check the forecast."

Rosalie wanted to stop in the Louis Vuitton store, and Esme held the door open expectantly, waiting for me to follow. I didn't want to offend Rose, nor annoy Alice, but I also had no desire to waste my time today. "Um, I'm not exactly a fan of this stuff," I stammered. "I'd like to go to the Metropolitan Museum gift shop across the street instead. Mind if I meet you back here?"

"Fine, but you're coming into Henri Bendel with me later. We're buying you a dress or...something," Alice called back. Esme gave my arm a squeeze and added, "See you later, dear."

Edward grabbed my hand and we dashed across Fifth Avenue to Rockefeller Center. I was surprised to see myself surrounded by three more male vampires: Jasper, Emmett and Carlisle decided to come with us. "You provided us with the perfect out," Carlisle said, laughing.

I'd been to this store several times before, and I loved the unusual items they sold there. They stocked a ton of trinkets, but not the dollar-store stuff that was a waste of time and money. I'd always found a number of gorgeous picture books related to the numerous exhibits at the museum. Clothing from all around the world, posters that were more like original photographs, books on science and anthropology, even the coolest coffee mugs -- I could have stayed right here all afternoon.

Emmett walked around casually, slowly eyeing everything in each aisle. I watched in amusement as people subtly shifted to the side to let him pass with no argument, a rarity in New York. Carlisle seemed mesmerized by a display on butterflies. I found a table with lovely turquoise and silver jewelry, and Edward strolled over, followed by Jasper.  
"See something you like?" Edward asked.  
"It's all pretty, but it can't compare to this incredible necklace I just got last night," I replied, fingering the pearl choker around my neck.  
"Really? The turquoise is so much more colorful, though," he said, smiling.  
"I much prefer the elegance of a single row of pearls," I said. "I'm so fortunate that my love has such excellent taste."  
"From what I understand, he was only following your wishes. Though I have to agree he does have excellent taste, particularly in women," he murmured, nuzzling my neck.  
"Be careful. You're going to drive Jasper, and me, to distraction," I warned.  
Jasper grinned and nodded in my direction. "Thank you, Bella."  
When we left and stepped back out on Fifth Avenue, there was no sign of Alice, Rosalie or Esme. It was apparent that we'd have to meet up with them closer to Louis Vuitton. As we approached the crosswalk to the other side of Fifth Avenue, I saw the famous statue of Atlas on its pedestal in front of Rockefeller Center. I walked over and tilted my head up, staring into the somber face.

"Hey, Emmett," I said. "Have you seen this?"

"What, the statue? Not for a long time." Emmett circled the metal construct, gazing at the wire globe.

"He reminds me of you," I said. "I think he's about the only one who could possibly rival your muscle."

Emmett let out a guffaw. "That's the nicest thing anyone's said to me in years."

"Everyone else takes your strength for granted."

"Yeah, probably because I don't get the chance to use it as much as I'd like."

"Not even with the bears?" I asked, delighted with our exchange.

"They haven't been a challenge since I was human. Not much is."

I laughed. Edward was watching us, amused; he probably knew I enjoyed having a few moments with Emmett. I didn't get many opportunities to talk to him. He was always with Rosalie and she still intimidated me, frankly. Her dislike of me shimmered with her every movement.

Argosy Books occupies a townhouse on 59th Street between Park and Lexington avenues. It's in an area of prime real estate, but it has an informal atmosphere that welcomes anyone regardless of tax bracket, in the manner of a good library. I spotted the familiar green awning and pulled Edward along with me, excited to inspect the half-price used books they set on display right at the entrance.

Immediately, I found a coffee table-sized book on Van Gogh's paintings from his stay in Arles. In perfect shape, it was a whopping five dollars. "Yes!" I chortled and tucked it under my arm, moving toward the door.  
Edward chuckled and said, "One of the things I love best about you is how much you appreciate simple things, like finding an actual bargain on the island of Manhattan."

"Are you calling me simple?"

"I don't mean it in a bad way. You're simple in what gives you joy, and complex and nuanced in your thinking and emotions and judgments. It's a perfect blend, as far as I'm concerned."

"Wow. I feel like a prime cup of joe."

"Indeed. And I didn't even know that yet when I gave you the coffee maker."

Once we all were inside, each of us sought our favorite subject areas. Edward and I thumbed through old books on music theory and composer biographies. His absorption in this kind of background exceeded mine; I'm happy to simply listen to music.

I wandered away and found Carlisle in a small alcove at the back of the store, holding a large volume. Bending sideways to see the spine, I read the title: "Carroll's Maladies of the Human Body." The book could have easily been a century old, and he slowly thumbed through it, careful not to overly handle the pages.

"Taking a stroll down memory lane?" I teased.

He chuckled. "Yes, some of these techniques are an abomination, though they didn't seem so at the time. People died unecessarily, or lost limbs or blood they didn't need to. Thank God we've progressed so far." Closing the book gingerly, he added. "I emjoy collecting these outdated medical texts. I've been searching for this edition for quite some time."

His mention of blood gave me an open I wanted. "You seem to have such strong control, Carlisle," I said timidly. "How long did it take you to resist? I mean, confidently resist?" I'd been thinking about Edward's repeated warning that physical intimacy invited his loss of control. I wanted to discreetly sound out the rest of his family on how hard it was to deny themselves human blood, yet I knew I couldn't be direct about it or Edward would hear their thoughts and know what I'd been up to. But discussing blood with Carlisle was very logical, given his profession.

"I've always resisted. It's just become easier because I've been doing it for so long," he replied.  
"When did it become easy for you?" I hoped he didn't suspect what I was after; Carlisle was no fool.  
"To the point where I could do surgery without needed to excuse myself from the operating suite? Probably about a hundred years."  
Great.  
"You really are very committed to your work," I observed. I was trying to cover for myself, but I also meant it.  
"I can't live any other way, so in a sense the decision was made for me."  
"You're a good example for your family. They look to you for that strength, and for your leadership." Also true.  
He regarded me, grateful and a little puzzled. "Why, thank you, Bella. That's a lovely compliment. I hope to live up to that."  
"You already do."  
Esme was walking toward us, smiling; she'd probably heard most of our little talk. She'd found some prints to show Carlisle that looked like French posters from the turn of the 20th century. I only recognized the name Moliere.  
Alice and Jasper were on the second floor where the maps were located. I saw the look of awe on his face as he stared at a map that was nearly three feet wide. It was mounted on firm cardboard, and he ran his hands lovingly over its surface. Alice looked on as she rubbed his arm while standing next to him.  
"What is it?" I asked, turning so I could see.  
"It's one of the fields at Gettysburg. It's an original," Jasper said in a hushed tone. "See here? These ink marks show where different Confederate regiments were stationed. The handwriting belonged to General Amos Malloy. He was my commanding officer. I knew him and many of the other men he sent north."

My head snapped up. "Jasper, were you there?"  
"No. He kept me behind with other officers. My specialties were strategy and training, not combat. I probably would have died if I'd gone." He looked at me, his eyes both sorrowful and grateful. "Thank you. Thank you for wanting to come here. I likely never would have found this map otherwise."  
It was the longest conversation I'd had with Jasper yet. I was so happy that he derived something from my own interests, however unintentionally.

My patience was weaering thin, so I begged off investigating every boutique we passed. Fortunately, everyone had plenty of opportunity to shop the day before, when Edward and I were with my family and friends, so I felt less guilty about that. I managed to get away with actually entering only Henri Bendel and Bergdorf Goodman. Alice found me a red suit at Bergdorf's that fit perfectly, and Edward loved it so much he insisted on buying it for me. The suit didn't have a price tag, and I know that's never a good sign, but I rolled my eyes and shut my mouth while a sales assistant willingly took his credit card.  
The ride home was blessedly comfortable; I curled up in the back seat with Edward, tired from all the walking. Alice and Edward were talking about the books they'd bought and Rosalie's purchase of another set of luggage. I wondered how she'd get it back to Forks, naively thinking that it would put her over the luggage limit on the flight home, but Edward said she'd also paid to have it shipped home. I was certain that she could have found the same expensive set in Seattle, but I suppose Rosalie's interest had something to do with just being able to buy it in New York on a whim.  
When Jasper parked the car, Alice halted her giggling conversation about the differences between Seattle and New York shopping, and sharply drew in her breath. For a second, I thought she was choking, particularly since she her hand flew up to her throat and Edward lunged forward in his seat.  
"Here?" he demanded.  
Jasper watched Alice with a worried expression. He seemed to know what was going on.  
"What? Are you okay, Alice? Did something happen?" I asked, confused.  
Edward ignored me and focused intently on his sister. I knew he was reading her thoughts. Whatever this was, they didn't want to speak of it out loud.

"Where? Close?" Edward asked in a dark tone. Alice nodded. He pulled out his phone and hit a few buttons, then spoke so quickly I couldn't make out the words.

I was growing more impatient. "Alice, what's going on?" I asked as Edward continued his conversation.  
"Let's wait until he's off the phone," she replied, trying to sound soothing.  
I signed and folded my arms until he ended the call. Turning my head, I looked at him expectantly without saying a word.  
"Alice has seen that there are two men and a woman who are waiting for us at the end of the parking lot. They detected our presence and want to meet us," he said carefully.  
"Detected...what do you mean? Who are they?"  
His teeth clenched. "They're a few of our kind who are in this area -- nomads, but they stick to this region. They picked up our scent and are curious, so they decided to meet up with us tonight."  
"They're not vegetarians, are they?" I asked, awareness gradually dawning.  
"No, they aren't." Edward turned toward Jasper. "Is there a chance I could get Bella to the hotel entrance?"  
Jasper shook his head. "They know we've returned. If you try to dodge them, it'll only pique their interest. They may follow you."  
Edward exhaled in frustration. "I can't let Bella near them."

"We'll all be there. Nothing will happen, particularly with so many other humans around. But if you avoid them, they'll...become more curious," Jasper replied carefully. Before he finished speaking, Edward was shaking his head.

"I have to get her into the hotel right away and book the flight.'  
I stared at him in shock. "Book a flight? What, tonight?"  
"Yes. We'll have to get you home tonight. I want them around you as little as possible so they don't absorb your scent too much." His tone was grim.  
"But we're supposed to leave tomorrow-"  
"We need to change that. We'll head to Newark tonight. You're not going to stay here," he said firmly, shushing my protests.

Jasper broke into our disagreement. "Right now you don't have a choice, Edward. We'll all have to go meet them."  
Carlisle, Esme, Rosalie and Emmett were waiting for us in the parking area. Emmett was tensed as if poised for a fight. The entire scene was surreal, like something was being choreographed without my input even though I seemed to be an integral part of it.  
Edward dashed from the car and stood by the door, holding out his hand for me. Emmett moved over and as I stepped out, he and Edward positioned themselves on either side of me. The three of us walked together as if they were my bodyguards, and I realized that's exactly what they were. Jasper and Alice brought up the rear until we reached Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie. All the vampires fanned out in some odd reverse-"V" formation -- if we were geese, we could have been flying south.

Emmet and Edward tightly flanked either side of me. I nearly asked, "Is this really necessary?" but I bit my tongue. All I knew was that I was about to meet my first traditional vampires, and I had no idea what would happen.

**A/N: There really is an Argosy Books: ****.****. If you are in New York City , I encourage you to head over there. It's not as famous or large as The Strand, but it is a real gem.**


	22. Edward, Chapter 11

**Chapter notes:**

** Thanks again to my wonderful beta, NoMoreThanUsual. Special thanks to Camilla for catching my historical inaccuracies in this chapter, thus sparing me from complete embarrassment. And of course, the usual thanks and praise to my husband, the alpha of betas. He knows why.**

** This chapter picks up directly from the end of Bella, Chapter 11. Bad vamp alert!**

I've never wanted to run from anything, not since I was changed. And not until today.

The thought of exposing Bella to three "traditional" vampires was more than I could bear. Certainly, they would realize she was human. I knew they wouldn't try anything foolish in the parking lot, but I had no idea what they were like or what they would do once this little meet-and-greet was over.

Carlisle elected to speak first. This made sense, since he's the patriarch of our coven; plus, Carlisle has a cool head. I was so highly strung over Bella being in the presence of these nameless killers that I could hardly stand it, and I might say or do something damaging.

My family moved to loosely surround Bella, except for Emmett and I, who stood tightly at her sides. Alice motioned subtly with her head to a wooded area at the rear of the parking lot. It was around 5 p.m., and there didn't appear to be any other human near us. We walked casually to where Alice indicated they would be waiting.

I could smell them: they weren't completely clean, though they retained enough of the vampire scent to attract their prey. They gave off a woodsy, almost gamey aroma to an experienced immortal nose. There were three of them, now cautiously walking out of the woods shoulder to shoulder. On the left was a blond, tall, thin male, clothed in denim, his hair drawn back in a ponytail. On the right was a female, dressed in wild 70's-style garb, her hair a untamed mane of ginger. In the center, perhaps the leader of this trio, was a lanky black male with dreadlocks past his shoulders, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans and a butterscotch-colored leather jacket. A smile spread across his face; at this point, I detected nothing in his thoughts but recognition of our species, and curiosity.

"Good afternoon," he said in a lilting Caribbean accent. "We became aware that you were staying in this area and we would like to introduce ourselves. I am Laurent. This is Victoria, and here is James."

Carlisle stepped forward, also smiling. I could hear his calm internal assessment of any possible danger. "I am Carlisle, and this is my family. We are visiting here from the West Coast." He turned sideways and gestured to the rest of us standing behind him.

Laurent's eyebrows raised in surprise. "A family? You live together, as a family?"

"Yes. Do you live around here?"

"We are nomads, but generally, we stick to this area of the East Coast. We have found the, ah, inventory to be satisfactory. Is that why you are here? A change of scenery, or a change of entree?" Laurent chuckled at his own creepy joke. I saw his eyes shift to Bella; he knew she was not immortal.

Carlisle's friendly grin remained plastered on his face. "We came to visit New York. Our family has a different hunting tradition." There was confusion in the minds of Laurent and Victoria as they tried to figure out what my father meant. James, however, had become disconcertingly focused on Bella. I held her tightly against my waist, with Emmett still on the other side of her. At first James misconstrued our possessiveness as unwillingness to share a victim, then the look on my face made him reassess that.

Laurent listened, fascinated, as Carlisle explained our diet. "And you exist on this? Constantly?" he asked, perplexed.

"Yes, it's our lifestyle," Carlisle responded.

"Why?" Laurent looked as if he could never understand.

"It actually makes things a lot less complicated," Carlisle explained with a cheery note to his voice. He was uncomfortable with their disbelief and mentioned the humanitarian side of our preferences only briefly, not wanting to start a lengthy disagreement with them.

James slowly walked closer toward me. "So, why is _she_ here?" he asked, nodding to Bella with a smirk. "When you're good, do you get a piece of candy as a reward?"

I instinctively growled -- the stupidest thing I could have done, for I'd given him the exact reaction he wanted. I could hear in his thoughts that he suspected Bella and I had a relationship, so he made the vulgar comment to provoke me. Emmett inhaled as if to say something but thought better of it; Carlisle again spoke for all of us.

"The girl is with us," he said firmly. "We were just returning to our hotel rooms, but if you would like, some of us will stay with you and talk for awhile longer." He was looking to give me an open to get Bella away.

Victoria was unsure of James' interest in Bella; apparently they'd been together long enough where there was reason for jealousy, even over a human. I heard her relief as I said, "If you will excuse us, we need to return inside." She didn't want any competition.

James took another threatening step. "Do you share?" he asked, angering me again. Involuntarily, my growl became louder until Carlisle spoke.

"That's uncalled for," he said calmly to James. "She will not be harmed. We don't want to cause a scene here in the middle of the parking lot." _Head back into the hotel now, Edward, and make arrangements to get Bella home,_ he thought.

Without a word, I turned and moved to the entrance of the inn, pulling Bella with me. _I'm going to stay with everyone else,_ Emmett thought. _There are a lot of people around; these clowns won't do anything stupid out here. But I'm worried about leaving the family if they go into the woods together._ With my back to the rest of the group, I gave Emmett a glance of assent.

My family and the trio of other vampires headed off, James reluctantly going with the other two. Already he was thinking of ways he could pursue us, for the challenge of the hunt. He didn't necessarily want Bella but he would kill her as sure as look at her. He was a tracker, and I had bested him by walking away. James was after revenge for what he perceived as an insult. I knew he would not let it go.

I heard Bella's frightened, shallow breathing as we walked swiftly through the revolving doors. As soon as we were in an elevator alone, Bella looked at me. I'd never seen her so scared, not even the first nearly deadly day I met her.

"What were they thinking?" she said hesitantly.

"It doesn't matter," I replied, trying to remain calm. "It was pretty much in line with what they were saying."

"Will your family be okay?" It was so like her to worry about them; I loved her all the more for it.

"They can more than hold their own. Besides, they outnumber the other vampires two to one." The elevator arrived at our floor. "I'm far less concerned about them than I am about getting the next flight out of Newark."

"I think you're right. Let's go back to Washington now," she said, her voice tremulous but determined.

"An excellent call." I inhaled sharply and closed my eyes, some human habits that failed to soothe me this time. "Bella, I'm so sorry. I had no idea -- "

She was already shaking her head. "Exactly. You had no idea. It isn't as if you haven't told me there are others out there. Plus, let's not forget," and she eyed me significantly, "I was the one who wanted to come back East."

"You should be able to visit your family without fear of a vampire attack."

"Stop it," she said sternly. "This could have happened anywhere, you know." _But it would be much less likely if I never pursued you,_ I thought.

I slid the keycard in the lock and pushed open the door, rudely shoving ahead of Bella. I wanted to make sure there was no one else in our suite. My paranoia was now in full swing.

Bella immediately pulled out her suitcase and began tossing her clothes and toiletries inside. I grabbed my laptop and turned it on, cursing the hotel's slow Web connection. I wanted to get out of here twenty minutes ago.

Finally, I logged on to our airline's site and scoured the available flights. The most optimal departure was 10 p.m.; it was still later than I would like, but we had to get to the airport and make it through security. As quickly as the computer would allow, I booked two first-class flights and listened for my family's return. I wanted them to accompany us to the airport, at least to the gates. If James was inclined to follow us, it was best if we continued to outnumber that coven.

But they must have remained in the woods, because I could not hear anything. I was certain they'd come to our room first to let me know what else had happened.

"I got a flight at 10 p.m.," I informed Bella. It was now just past 6. "Can you hold out on eating until we get to the airport? I'd prefer to stay in the room until we leave. And I'm going to ask my family to come with us." I began throwing my own clothes into my duffle bag.

She nodded. "There's enough in this suite to tide me over."

I heard Emmett's thoughts, dim at first but growing stronger. If Emmett was even near the hotel, the other vampires must have departed, for he would never leave the family alone with them. Several seconds later, I heard the rest of them, some talking and some silent. I searched out Carlisle first, knowing his impressions would be most accurate.

Concern. Caution. Anger. Frustration. And, like me, planning for us all to go to the airport together. If Carlisle was this worried, the situation must be bad.

Emmett rapped at our door. "Let us in, bro. We're all back," he said in a normal-for-Emmett tone.

Bella was already at the door, and, I noted with some amusement, peered through the peephole cautiously before opening it. That's my girl. Emmett looked at her as he brushed past. "You okay?" He briefly held her elbow.

"I'm fine. Edward got me here as fast as possible while surrounded by humans. What happened?" she demanded.

Our suite was now crowded with my family. Emmett shrugged his shoulders, trying to appear casual. "They left," he said simply.

"Do you know where they went?" Bella asked.

"I think they were headed north," he said reassuringly. I saw Rosalie shoot him a look, and was surprised to hear here think, _Don't insult her like that._

I was distractedly staring at Carlisle and discerning his thoughts. _Laurent isn't the problem; he wants no difficulty with us. James seems eager to start trouble. For whatever reason, he's intrigued with Bella,_ I heard. I emitted a low growl.

_I'm afraid you may have incited him with your protectiveness,_ he added. _He detected your relationship and seems to have taken that as a challenge._ I saw Carlisle's memory of speaking with Laurent while James peppered the rest of my family with questions about where Bella and I had gone, and why she and I walked off if we were all a family. No one gave him an answer. Instead, Jasper tried to engage James and Victoria in conversation about how long they had been hunting in the area.

James mostly ignored him except for monosyllabic responses. He kept glancing back in the direction of the hotel, while Jasper and Rosalie surreptitiously moved at the same time to block his view. Esme was at Carlisle's side, with Emmett right next to her and Alice behind Jasper, trying desperately to detect what would occur next. But the other vampires were uncertain of their next move, so the future was a haze to her.

Bella finally noticed the silent staring between Carlisle and I. She came over to us and looked from me to him and back. "What is it?"

"Nothing," I replied automatically.

She snorted. "Like you weren't reading his thoughts. Is there something here I should know?"

Carlisle chuckled. _You can't keep things from her, Edward. She's too smart, and she knows you too well already_, he thought.

I rolled my eyes. "He just confirmed what I thought, that it's best for us to leave right now." Addressing Carlisle out loud, I said, "I'd like for everyone to at least come with us to the airport. I suspect James and the other two won't follow us and draw attention to all of us there."

"What if they see us leave? They're fast, right - like all of you? What if they follow us as far as the airport? Can they figure out where we'll go?" Bella asked, worry coloring her voice.

Carlisle raised his eyebrows and and shot me a sideways glance. _She's a quick study._ I nodded imperceptively and smiled grimly. I loved her persistence and intelligence, but they could make things complicated.

I put my hands on Bella's shoulders. "We'll lose them in traffic. Besides, we'll be on the Turnpike a lot of the way. No one would survive walking on the Jersey Turnpike, not even a vampire," I said, trying to joke her out of her concerns.

It was now almost 7 p.m., and we all headed downstairs so Bella and I could check out.

"Is everything all right, sir? I see you were suppose to stay through tomorrow," the desk clerk noted.

_No, everything is most definitely not all right. Vengeful vampires are after my girlfriend and I, and we have to get out of Dodge before they kill her. My entire family, who are also vampires though not the nosh-on-humans type, may have to fight them off. But that's probably not what you meant._

I opened my mouth to say something more acceptable but Bella jumped in. "No, everything was lovely. Unfortunately, we need to return early due to a family emergency," she said smoothly.

What a cool liar she was. Did I turn her that way?

"I"m sorry to hear that. I hope everything works out all right," the clerk said with feigned concern.

"It will," I said firmly.

It took about an hour for us to get to Newark. Jasper and Alice drove us in the Mercedes to the airport, while Carlisle and Esme rode in the Escalade with Rose and Emmett. Throughout the trip, I clutched Bella's hand with my right and nervously drummed my fingers with my left. She glanced at me every several minutes, no doubt absorbing my anxiety. I hated the traffic -- hated how it slowed us down. This urban area was a far cry from Forks, where I could almost always speed because there were usually few vehicles. Here, even in the evening, the cars on the road seemed to outnumber the entire human population of Washington State.

Jasper pulled into the area for departures and swiftly located our airline. He popped the trunk as I jumped out of the car, searching, listening, smelling the air. No sign of the vampire trio we'd met earlier. I leaned down and took Bella's hand, helping her out of the Mercedes.

"Stay with me, I instructed her. "Don't leave my side."  
The airport was brightly lit and not very crowded. It shouldn't be too difficult to detect any problems. When the rest of the family arrived, we rode the escalator to the section where our gate was located.  
"Edward."  
I was so involved in my thoughts I ignored Bella until she pulled on my arm. "I know you're worried, but does it really matter if we break land-speed records just to get to the gate? We have plenty of time," Bella chided, slightly out of breath.

I heaved a sigh. "Sorry. I'm stressed." Impossible as it seemed, I forgot how difficult it was for her to keep up.

The security guards waved travelers through the line toward the scanners. Bella and I turned to my family. _We'll keep looking for them,_ Carlisle thought. _When we get back to the hotel, we'll sweep the area to see if they're still around. I hope they've lost interest in us._ I knew he really meant he hoped they grew bored with Bella and I.

"Stay in touch," I said, addressing everyone. "Let me know what you find out."

"We will," Jasper promised. He looked solemnly at Bella and I, and I detected the first flashes of affection and concern in his eyes as they met hers. Bella had won him over, and in the middle of this tension, that brought a smile to my lips.

There was still about 40 minutes until we'd board our flight. Bella debated whether she should get some coffee at this late hour, then decided to pick up some magazines. She started to walk a little aimlessly in the direction of the shops near our gate when I grabbed for her.  
She looked at my hand and then at me as if I'd lost my mind. "What, Edward?"  
"You can't wander off like that."  
"I'm just going to the newsstand! It's right across from us. Jeez," she grumbled.  
"No," I said, now walking with her. "You have to get used to this. I'm not leaving you alone. I don't know for certain they're not around here somewhere."  
"They'd cause a scene in the middle of Newark Airport? If they're that stupid, they're no match for you."  
I sighed. "Bella, don't argue with me." My voice dropped even lower. "I know my kind. We have many tricks."  
"At some point, I'm going to have to pee," she said pointedly.  
"I'll wait outside the entire time."  
"Still a stalker." She nudged me teasingly.  
"I've been called worse."

"Still a _pervy_ stalker."  
Newark-Liberty Airport is notorious for its delays, but the weather was good tonight and the plane departed on time. Bella yawned and gratefully accepted the blanket I found in the overhead bin. She pulled up the armrest and snuggled in close to my side.

I stroked her hair, loving the feel of it, not wanting to consider what would happen if I'd never be able to touch it again. "Will it disturb you if I read? I'll have to turn on the light." I didn't need it, but the flight attendant would be suspicious if I read in the dark.

"No. I can usually sleep through anything," Bella replied. After another minute, she said softly, "Edward?"

"Yes, love."

"What will happen when we get back to Forks?" She turned her face up to me, her eyes tense and questioning.

I took her hand and grasped it firmly, holding her gaze. "I'm going to be with you just about every minute for the foreseeable future."

To my surprise, that brought a smile to her face. "You say that like it's a bad thing."

"Well, it's not just my stalker-ish tendencies. I'm going to to protect you."  
"You really think I'll need it." This wasn't a question, but a request for confirmation. I hesitated. She deserved honesty, but I didn't want to terrify her. What did other men do in this situation? How do they avoid panicking their loved one while trying to be realistic? Of course, other men generally didn't have to guard against brutal vampires. I reasoned that the danger meant I shouldn't sugar-coat it.

"I do," I said gravely. "I'll be with you at night, and during the day I'll watch you at work, from a short distance so no one else knows. The nights that I have to work, you'll stay at our house. I've already ordered a bed," I added.  
She pulled away from me slightly, a mischievous grin lighting her features. "_Reeealllyyyyyy_?" she said, drawing out the word lasciviously.  
"Really. Don't get any funny ideas, _ perv_," I chided. Of course, I hoped she would. A little.  
Bella pouted. "Then what good is it? Don't bother. I'll sleep on your daybed," she grumbled.  
"You and your hormones."

"You love me and my hormones."

I leaned over and kissed her softly. "More than you can know," I murmured. "Which is why I'll keep you safe until James and the others aren't be a threat."  
"How will you know when they're not?"  
And that was the question. They could lay low for a very long time, but odds were good that James would never forget.

"I don't have an answer to that right now. Just remember that Alice will help, too. We have many things on our side."  
Bella thought about this for a minute, and then panic showed on her face. "What about Mrs. Farrelly?"  
I knew it wouldn't be long before her worry expanded to everyone she cared about. "We'll all keep an eye on her, too. When I'm there, I'll be protecting her as well."  
"Can I bring Faith with me when I stay at your house?"

"I'm sure no one will mind. I hope it doesn't drive Faith crazy." I wondered how the cat would react to being in a house full of vampires, even with Bella there. Her feline instincts had already told her I was dangerous.

"She'll probably hide in your closet the entire time. Of course, there's plenty of room in there." Bella grinned again. "Hope you don't mind hairballs in your Nikes."

By the time the plane was over Ohio, Bella had finally dozed off. Although I'd tried to paint an accurate picture for her, I didn't want to cause her too much stress with my own anxiety. I was certain I could protect her, and that my family would help. It would impact her mobility and her independence, and I knew she'd dislike that, but she'd have to relent. It was the only way to be sure.  
Chances were solid that James would find us. He was a tracker, and the challenge I'd presented him once he saw the bond between Bella and I would motivate him to search anywhere across the country, or beyond. I wondered what, if anything, Carlisle found out when they returned to the hotel. Had James and his companions stayed around?

It was difficult to concentrate on my book right now. Some of it was the usual awareness of the thoughts of everyone on the plane; I had to keep closing them down. It was easier than earlier today when we'd been in New York City, with its limitless drone of minds passing by me and through me. Always, it was the most difficult thoughts that were most prominent...worry, fear, sadness, hatred. I tightened my hold on Bella. No matter where I was, the quiet mind of the person next to me was most important, the thoughts I couldn't read most valuable to me.

Our weekend had been so wonderful up until this point. It all seemed so normal. We were almost like any other couple, enjoying a special trip to her home state. I'd met her family and her dearest friends. I'd even acted the way a normal, loving, more-than-boyfriend would by helping her with all the mixed feelings that come from returning to your family and slipping back into the role you always had as the daughter or sister. The day had taken an emotional toll on Bella, and I was proud that I could comfort her. She seemed soothed and relieved by my efforts to help her see she was too self-critical. I held her and loved her and almost gave in to desire more than I'd dared. The physical closeness between us, which was going further than I expected, gave me hope that what I wanted for us could one day happen. When Bella gave so much of herself to me it allowed me to forget, for a little while, my own abnormalities, because they didn't matter to her. She wanted only me and what I could give. And I believed that I had something worthwhile to give her. Nothing could force me to let her go.

As the plan brought us closer to home, I hoped that meant safety for Bella. The irony there didn't escape me. I had once been the biggest threat to her life when she made Forks her new home. Now, I would fight to my own death anyone who would try to take her life. I could more than handle my own thirst for her blood, I knew. I could ignore it, even nullify it. The venom was barely a nuisance, the tradeoff so immeasurably precious.

But I had to think about the probability that they would look for us. James, in particular, would make it his new mission. If I had to, I would keep moving her around, taking her wherever it might be safe, even for a few weeks at a time. She wouldn't be happy about it, but I had to make her understand there might not be any other way. I hoped the fact that we'd be together would be enough for her until I knew for sure that James and his coven were out of the picture. Between me and my family, it was entirely possible that we could take him down as soon as we knew he was near. Of course, that meant we'd have to wait, and I wasn't very good at that - not where Bella's life and safety were concerned.

"Bella. Bella, wake up," I said as I stroked her arms. The plane had landed and almost every passenger stood up to depart. Bella sharply inhaled and stretched, reluctantly opening her eyes. She smiled lazily when she focused on me.

"Hey handsome. Are we there yet?"

"Just arrived. Let's go."

I grabbed our bags while Bella gathered her backpack. She stumbled more than a few times on our way through the terminal. It was midnight here in Tacoma, and then I realized it felt like 3 a.m. to Bella, who had just adjusted to East Coast time this morning. As soon as we got in the car I'd cover her with my jacket so she could fall back asleep for the hours-long return to Forks.  
Hoisting the suitcase straps over my shoulder, I wrapped my other arm around Bella to hold her up. She was shuffling through the garage, barely aware of her surroundings. "You look like a zombie," I chuckled as I dropped the bags and opened the door.

"You would know," she mumbled. Sense of humor intact, I noted as I eased her into the seat. Her eyes closed almost immediately, and I buckled the seatbelt and tucked my jacket around her.

"Rest, sweetheart. You'll be safe. I promise," I whispered with a kiss.

It was dark, there were no other cars on the road once we left the airport, and I used my built-in police radar to get us home in a couple of hours. Not wanting to wake Bella, I took her house keys out of a small zippered pouch in her backpack. I backed the Volvo into the driveway, carefully lifted Bella out of the car and unlocked the door.  
I crept softly up the stairs in the dark, trying not to wake her landlady. Faith started crying as soon as I'd opened the back door, and I smiled; seeing the cat would make Bella forget about the unpleasantness today. One more door at the top of the stairs, and we were in her apartment, Faith skittering off as soon as I walked in with Bella in my arms.  
I made my way to her bedroom and shifted so I held her with one arm while drawing the blankets back with the other. Once she was on the sheets, I removed her shoes and felt her feet jerk away from my hands. She was awake, confused and sleepy-eyed.

"What happened? Are we home?" she asked in a raspy voice. Faith's excitement at having Bella home apparently overshadowed her distaste for me. She pounced on the bed, purring, and nudged Bella with her head.

"Aw, Faith. I missed you, girl...Edward, what are you doing?"  
I had removed Bella's jacket and was now tugging her pants off.  
"You really are a perv," she muttered.  
"I'm just trying to make you comfortable."  
"Yeah, right." She dropped her head on the pillow, then grabbed my hand when I turned to put her clothes on the chair.

"Edward."  
"Yes, Bella."  
"I love you," she whispered.  
I walked back and kissed her lips reverently. "I love you too. Please go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."

Before settling in next to Bella, I cleaned the cat's food and water bowls and gave her fresh chow and water. She didn't run into the kitchen when she heard me washing the bowls - not her normal behavior. I returned to the bedroom to find Bella fast asleep on her back, and Faith curled up on Bella's stomach. Carefully, slowly, I reached out my hand, and for the first time, Faith let me stroke her back. In a day full of danger and stress, that made me inordinately happy.

I set my book down on the floor and lay down alongside them. There really wasn't anything to do but wait and watch. I'm not particularly skilled at that when the stakes are this high; I wanted everything resolved immediately. Certainly, I wanted James out of the picture permanently. That meant annihilating him. I had to think seriously about the best way to accomplish that, considering I didn't know where he was at the moment. I knew my family would help, though Carlisle would want to avoid killing anyone until there was no alternative. I had to talk to Jasper as soon as they arrived home. His military tactical experience could prove useful.

In the meatime, I'd try to let Bella live her normal life while I shadowed her every move. Really, this wasn't too different from our life right before we left for New Jersey. I don't know why the idea that Bella and I would be together every day and night excited me suddenly. We were already together so much, Emmett wanted to know if I'd added my name to the lease on her apartment. Our hours melted together pretty seamlessly, there was just never enough of them. Having to stay together consantly for her protection merely formalized it, but I liked that.

Gently, so as not to disturb her or the cat, I moved Bella's left arm so it lay across my abdomen. Today was Memorial Day, a holiday set aside to remember loved ones who were in the armed forces. A lifetime ago, that was my goal, to answer President Wilson's call to fight in another country I knew little about. Young as I was, the excitement of enlisting and the so-called glory of war was all I could think of. The Spanish flu made other plans for me and thousands more, and then fate came up with an especially cruel twist as I lay dying. Bella was right: I'd long forgiven Carlisle for what he did out of an overwrought sense of duty to my mother and his own centuries of loneliness. I hadn't known a woman's love as a human, but I found it now. It might be enough to make me grateful for this immortal life, because whatever time I already had with Bella outshone every sharp memory made in immortality, and every faded one from my humanity.

My biological mother would have loved Bella; I was certain of that. I had few clear memories of her, but I knew Mother would have immediately seen Bella's shyness and initial lack of confidence, and would have been moved to make her feel comfortable and loved. I hoped that Elizabeth Masen saw how much I was trying to do that for Bella. I hoped my mother would feel proud now, for anything else I'd done in my immortality had probably only caused her sorrow in her own afterlife.  
While Bella slept, I thought out the next couple of weeks. I noted on her kitchen calendar that a benefit bike ride was approaching. Bella was trying to train for it, and had enlisted my help in dragging her out of the house as soon as she finished work so she could ride enough to be able to manage the five-mile course. I usually ran along with her, discreetly in the woods, helping her track her distance. She may have to forego the ride. I wasn't sure I wanted to chance it, although if I could convince my family to help, we might be able to guard her sufficiently. I'd talk about this with her when she awoke.  
I clasped Bella's hand with my right and reached across with my left, stroking the side of her face. She was in a deep slumber, with no talking or even much movement. I hoped this meant that everything going on in that beautiful subconscious was peaceful. That would be a miracle, considering the past twelve hours.

"Sleep, my love," I murmured. "No one's going to hurt you."

**Author notes:**

** Thanks again to all of you who read and review. Your loyalty and encouragement make me as happy as Bella is to see Faith again.**

** Speaking of which, the reference to "hairballs in your Nikes" is a little tribute to Rob Pattinson's choice of footwear. I'm sure your eagle-eyes caught that!**


	23. Bella, Chapter 12

**Hello everyone! Thank you again for being so patient; real life got in the way once more.**

**And now my public service announcement: I promise you that I WILL finish this story. I would never post anything I didn't intend to finish; I'm a fic reader, too, and I know how heartbreaking it is to invest all that time and emotion in a story, only to be left hanging. I promise I won't do that to you!**

**Special thanks go to Camilla, who reads my chapters and saves me from embarrassing errors. Please check out "The Parachutist," her fic which is posted here and on Twilighted. You'll fall in love with Soldierward. Additional thanks are due to shouvley and Feisty Y. Beden, who weighed in with their experience to help me write some crucial scenes for this chapter.**

**Very-extra-special thanks to my husband, who also reads my chapters and puts up with my long absences when I get absorbed. I endeavor to make it up to him every day.**

***

Bella, Chapter 12

We'd been over this a number of times, and here we were right back where we started.  
"Edward," I said through gritted teeth, "I'll be fine. You'll be there, and isn't your whole family coming? What could happen with all of you around?"  
He had that hard set to his lips that told me I was in for more arguing. "It's just not safe. I don't want to tempt fate. You have no appreciation for how dangerous a rogue vampire can be."  
I flopped on my couch, disgusted. Edward was, at the moment, dead-set against my participation in the benefit bike ride. He'd been opposed to it, then relented; told me he'd changed his mind and didn't want me to go and then let _me_ change _his_ mind, and now was telling me one more time not to do it.  
"All these people pledged money to support me. I can't just walk away," I said, frowning. Actually, I hadn't raised all that much cash - I was too inhibited about asking people to donate - but I planned on throwing in some of my own.  
And then Mr. Moneybags pulled out his trump card. "You can return it and I'll triple whatever they pledged," he said.

"No! That's not right!" I protested.

"Why not? I'll make it worth your while to drop out. The hospital foundation will come out even better."

"That's embarrassing." My voice was dangerously close to a whine. Once he heard me whining, he'd know I was desperate and he'd really dig in his heels. "They gave me money because they expect me to finish the ride. I've been training for it."

He sat down next to me and pulled me into his side. "I'd rather have you safe and embarrassed than hurt in any way."

It had been more than two weeks since we returned from New Jersey, and there was no sign of the three vampires we'd met outside of Morristown. Alice kept searching but hadn't seen anything. Edward had secured his family's promise to "accompany" me on the ride - they would spread out and follow me through the forest. It seemed foolproof even in the unlikely event those three creeps showed up.  
"I'll be okay," I said firmly. Taking a different tack, I snuggled up to him and tucked my head under his chin. "I really appreciate how worried you are. I know you only care about my safety," I said, thanking my lucky stars again that he couldn't read my mind and know I was being very calculating. "But I'm really looking forward to this. You know I've been working so hard for it." I let that hang there.  
Edward sighed, the first sign that maybe he was softening back in the right direction. "Bella, I don't like it one bit."  
"Everything worries you. You'll be there, right? You'll be right beside me? I know you wouldn't let anything happen." I was laying it on pretty thick.

His cool index finger tipped my chin up so he could look at my face. "I don't know what I'd do if you were hurt," he said quietly.  
"But I won't be. Really, I'm sure it'll be fine," I said insistently.  
I didn't need his permission to ride, of course, but everything would be a lot easier if he agreed to it. I stared in his eyes, feeling only a little guilty for manipulating him like this. I knew he had my best interests at heart, but he was so anxious about it. If it were up to him, I'd probably never go anywhere even if he wasn't obsessing over three vampires on my tail.  
He watched me intently, and I did my best not to blink. I kept my expression slightly pleading and slightly mournful.  
"I'm not happy about this," he finally said.  
I kissed him and said, "Your concern is touching but misplaced. I know you'll protect me even though I don't need it."  
"You have to let me buy you a new helmet," he said.  
"I have a perfectly good helmet," I replied.  
"How old is it?"  
"Um, I think about five years," I said, hedging.  
"If you can't remember, then it's time for a new one."  
"How did we go from worrying about bad vampires to getting a new helmet? I don't see the connection there," I asked pointedly.  
"Well, I want you to be safe no matter what. That includes the proper equipment," Edward said.  
"You've been reading up on this."  
"Of course."  
I shrugged. "Okay."

Edward jerked in surprise. _"Okay?"_

"Yeah. Why not?"

"You never agree this easily."

"I don't want to upset you any further." Which was true, but I also knew when I had to give in. A new helmet was a small price to pay to help him forget about keeping me out of the bike ride.  
As it turned out, the helmet was just the start. Edward insisted on taking my bike to a very good bike shop in Seattle (he researched the best one) for a tuneup. He created a list of what needed to be checked (after looking that up, too) and discussed it at length with one of the employees at the shop (whom he determined knew enough to work on my bike). I was embarrassed, but that was because Edward was right and the bike needed routine maintenance before a five-mile ride. Also, he'd learned more about cycles in the few months we'd been together than I'd learned in my entire life.  
He was very insistent that I keep to my training schedule. It rained fairly heavily my first day out, but Edward showed up at my apartment with new bike gear, including some pretty impressive UnderArmor.  
"I don't even want to know how you got my size right," I grumbled, embarrassed about that too. Edward seemed unaware that I was essentially tricking him into accepting my participation. He thought I'd had another epiphany about taking gifts from him.  
The loop for the ride was through Bogachiel State Park, so Edward placed my bike in the back of the Subaru and we drove to the park that morning. There were signs all around the entrance, and a huge balloon arch by the starting line. We arrived to find most of Edward's family there waiting.  
Esme hugged me when I got out of the car. "This is so exciting! We'll be cheering you on the whole time."

I hugged her back, laughing. "Thanks, Esme, but it's not a race. I'm just going to take my time and finish. And thanks for agreeing to help. Edward's a little tightly wound right now, and it would be a lot worse if you all weren't here."  
"Of course, dear. We wouldn't miss it anyway."  
Edward glared at me, then took out my bike to check the brakes and gears. I was irrationally annoyed that he was doing a better job than I would. He stood up and wiped some grease off his hands with a rag and then paused, his eyes widening.

"What's up, sweetie?" I knew that look.

"Alice is coming. I don't like what she's thinking. Stay right here - don't go anywhere." He walked over to Carlisle, who had also noticed the change in Edward's demeanor and watched us, concerned.

In a few minutes, Jasper's car arrived, going as fast as possible on the narrow access road. He pulled in next to my Forester and Alice jumped out, wordlessly exchanging looks with Edward.

"What's going on?" I demanded. They wouldn't answer.

"Oh, come _on_. What is it?" I said, starting to get angry.  
"Welcome to my world," said Emmett, lounging against my car door with his arms crossed.

Edward came over to me, an extremely dark frown marring his features. "Alice thinks James, at least, is in Forks. Laurent has left and gone off for parts unknown. Victoria also split off, although she and James have probably not broken up - she's helping him by keeping them less visible because they're not together." I don't think I'd ever seen him so upset.  
"I can't see straight," Alice moaned. "The visions are incomplete, or blurry or something."  
Edward turned to me. "We have to get you to our house. Now," he said firmly.

Carlisle said, "Esme and Rose can take Bella. If James is alone and follows them, they'll still outnumber him. The rest of us will search the area to see if we can find him."

Edward nodded, and then - in a weird bit of vampire choreography - the entire Cullen family turned to look off to my right. Alice and Rosalie crinkled their noses in disgust.

"The wolves," Edward said, growling.

I spun around to face where they were staring, and I saw Jacob, Paul and another man walking toward us through the other cars. The third Quileute, whom I didn't recognize, nodded at Carlisle in brief acknowledgement. Jacob and Paul glared at Edward and his family with barely restrained hatred.  
Without any other greeting, the Quileute said, "We've detected another vampire in the area. We're certain it's a male, and we believe he's already killed a couple of people in the Port Angeles area." I inhaled sharply, my knees feeling weak.  
"We want to know if you will help us," the man continued. "This immortal doesn't follow the same code that you do, but he is still your kind, so we are hoping you can help us find him before he kills again."

"Have you seen him?" Edward demanded.

"Our scouts detected him very close to La Push. He traveled north, possibly toward Forks. We came here today partly to search for him and partly to find you," he explained.  
"Sam," Carlisle said, addressing this man who seemed to be the pack's leader, "we have good reason to think he's after Bella."

Sam's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Why?

"We met up with his coven accidentally while we were in New Jersey a few weeks ago. He was intrigued that she was with us, and became angry when she left with Edward."

"He's a tracker," Edward interrupted. "I've been worried that he would follow us home." He appeared sick, as if he was physically ill. The news that James was in town was the only thing that could make him look that way. Shaking his head, he said, "We have to get Bella to our house."

"We can take her to the reservation," Sam suggested. "She'll be well protected there. The moment he crosses the treaty line, we'll be all over him. And that will allow your entire family to go after him if he's somewhere else around here."  
Edward recoiled at the idea. "Let her go with a bunch of dogs? I'd rather-"  
Carlisle cut him off. "Edward, stop. They can help us."  
Sam's face darkened. "If you want to fight this bloodsucker on your own, go ahead. I would have thought you'd be willing to protect your girlfriend any way you can."  
Hissing, Edward took a step toward Sam. "I can protect her fine on my own."  
Carlisle stepped between them. "Edward, I said that's enough. We should consider what Sam is offering."  
"Hey," I called out. "Don't I get any say in this? I mean, seeing as it's _my_ neck you're all talking about."  
Everyone turned in my direction. Emmett stifled a laugh. I walked over to where Edward stood frozen on the grass.

"Hi, Sam. I'm Bella, the cause of all the trouble here today." I stuck my hand out.

Sam took it begrudgingly. "Bella, good to meet you."

"Same here, although it would be better under different circumstances. Why do you think I should go to La Push? Shouldn't I stay with the Cullens?"

"There are a lot more of us there who can kill a vampire, if he tries to go on the rez," he said firmly. "A few of our wolves are already combing the woods. They will know where you're headed, and they'll watch out along the way. The three of us can help Dr. Cullen and the rest" - he gestured almost dismissively in Edward's direction - "find him."  
Edward was shaking his head. "It makes sense," Carlisle told him quietly.  
"I'm not going to let her out of my sight," he said, seething.  
"James will hunt your scent because he's sure you'll have Bella with you. You may be putting her in worse danger that way," Carlisle said urgently.  
The last thing I wanted to do was leave Edward, but I had to acknowledge that Carlisle had a point. Edward looked like he was just about to reconsider when Jacob said, "I can bring her to the rez."  
Edward whirled and glared at Jacob. "Stay away from her, dog," he snarled.  
I grabbed Edward's arm and pulled him toward me. "Wait," I said quietly. "Think about this. If James sets one toe over the treaty boundary line, the wolves can go right for him."  
He looked at me, his eyes hooded. "Don't glare at me like I'm a traitor," I said softly. "We have to go with what the defense gives us here. They may be right. If Jacob drives me, all of the rest of you can look for James." I held Edward's gaze. "I don't want to leave you, love, truly I don't. But you need to do what you do best, in order to stop him. I know you want to fix this."  
I could see his resolve soften. "You're right." He pulled me into a hug and gave me a kiss on the top of my head. "I hate making this choice. What if something happens? Can I trust Jacob?" he muttered.

"We both can trust him," I replied. "I admit I'm not exactly experienced at vampire warfare, but this makes the most sense to me."

Emmett loaded my bike in my car while Carlisle spoke with Sam. There were a lot of other people milling around; it was almost 10 a.m., when the ride was scheduled to begin. The cyclers were all moving to the starting line. Alice darted off to tell one of the organizers that I wasn't feeling well and wouldn't be riding.  
Edward was still standing with his arms around me, and my stomach tightened at the thought of being separated from him. I hoped they found James and made short work of him. All I wanted was to be together again.  
"Bella, we'd better get going," Jacob said, eyeing Edward malevolently. "The ride's going to start soon, and we won't be able to get out of the park with all the bikers on the road."  
I buried my face in Edward's chest. "Please be careful," I begged him. Before I could stop it, a sob escaped.  
He held my face in his hands. "You don't need to worry about me," he said steadily. "I'll be fine. We all will. I hate leaving you, but I _will_ see you later." He hugged me as hard as he dared.  
"Call me and let me know what's happening," I said. I tried hard not to cry; I didn't want him to worry more about me.  
"I will. Be safe. Stay with Jacob," he instructed, his eyes shifting over to where Jake stood waiting. "I think you're right - this is the best plan."  
As if on cue, Jacob walked over to us and said, "Ready, Bella?"  
I handed him my keys and said, "Here. You drive."  
Edward walked me around to the passenger door and grabbed me for one long, passionate kiss, then pulled away. "I love you. Be safe," he whispered again.  
"I love you too. So much," I murmured, touching his cheek. And then I couldn't bear to look at him.  
Jacob started the car as I snapped the seat belt buckle. I put my palm against the window and Edward did the same, mirroring my own on the other side. We pulled away and I cried softly.  
This was my fault. I should have stayed out of the ride...but wouldn't James have tried to find me anyway? Even if Edward was with me, he could have surprised us. I suppose I built up a false sense of security by thinking he'd abandoned his quest for revenge.  
At the park entrance, Jacob turned right and then right again, heading south on Route 101 toward La Push. We drove in silence for about twenty minutes before he glanced at me and asked, "You okay?"  
"Just a little shaken up."  
"Well, you hang with vamps, you're gonna run into some bad company."  
"Don't start," I snapped, waving my hand in a slicing motion. "I really don't want to hear it. Besides, this all happened because we went to New Jersey, which was my idea."  
"Bella, you're dating a vampire," Jacob said with a snort. "That's why it happened."  
"Can we not argue about my choice of boyfriends?" I said, starting to cry again. "I really don't need this."  
He set his mouth in a very "I told you so" expression but said nothing else.  
I sighed. "I know you mean well, Jake, but he can't help what he is. He's a good man."  
Jacob made a gagging noise. "Any idea how many times he's come close to killing you? Because you can't tell me he hasn't_ more_ than thought about it."  
"He's got that well under control." I glanced out the window, watching the trees.  
He snorted again. "Really."

"Am I not sitting here next to you?"

And then I wasn't.

I was being pulled out of my seat so fast that Jake and I had no time to react. I turned to him as we were talking so I didn't see anything; I just heard glass shattering and felt the fragments rain down around me. It didn't even register that my seat belt snapped and tore around my shoulder until I felt a fiery pain along my collarbone.

Something or someone was tugging me up by my arms, banging me up against the rough bark of an evergreen, and I distantly thought, "Hey, that hurts." I couldn't even turn my head, couldn't move at all. Finally, this crazy ascension stopped on a branch about thirty feet above the ground, and I was roughly turned around.

"Hello, Bella." It was James, sneering, his ruby eyes glittering in victory. "Nice to see you again." He slung my left arm over his shoulder and took off, flying from one tree to the next, sometimes climbing higher, sometimes staying level, but never dropping closer to the ground.

The quick motions rattled me enough to find my voice. I started screaming.

"Won't do you any good," James advised me calmly. "Your dog is already too far behind us, and your boyfriend has no idea where you are."

"Wh-wh-where are you taking me?" Our movement, jumping from one branch to another - sometimes with as much as fifteen feet between them - made my teeth chatter.  
"Just a little out of the way place. It's nice and cozy. Very charming. I think you'll like it," he said, his voice still smooth. He wasn't nearly out of breath or winded.  
"Ed-Edward will find you," I gasped.  
"Oh, sweetheart, I'm counting on that," he replied.  
James was moving along a jagged course, not exactly traveling in a straight line. I tried to figure out our direction, but it was fruitless. I made the mistake of looking down.

My fear of heights went straight to my stomach. I started to retch, but James ignored me.  
"I'm going to be sick," I moaned. He continued onward at the same speed.  
"I said, _I'm going to be sick_." I knew he could hear me. He was ignoring me, and he was about to find out how much that was a bad idea.

"Hey-" I said, and then I vomited.

We'd just landed on another branch and finally, James looked at me again. I kept gagging and retching while it registered with him that I was human and therefore not immune to height and motion sickness. He swore a blue streak and looked at his foot, which now had a layer of what those of us in the health care profession call "emesis." Kicking vigorously, he shook off the liquid and then wiped his foot on my own leg.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" he yelled, all traces of control gone.

"Your flying-trapeze act is making me sick," I informed him.

He pushed his face into mine, his eyes glowing with fury. "Try that again and I'll kill you right here," he snarled.

"I can't exactly help it," I snapped. It occurred to me that I was sassing a murderous vampire. If he was going to kill me, though, what did it matter? At least I could get my licks in.

James glared at me wordlessly, his jaw muscles working. He could bite me right now and God only knows when anyone would find me; I had no idea where Jake or Edward or anyone else was. He could drop me from this tree and I'd be dead as soon as I hit the ground. The gravity of my situation hit me and my stomach roiled again, but I held his gaze - and, thankfully, my nausea.

Finally, he shifted me so I was again hanging off his back, and then turned to launch us into another tree. We'd been traveling like this for at least fifteen minutes, I guessed, but since I had no idea of our final destination, I knew this could go on for a long time and there was a good chance I'd become sick again.

_Edward_, I thought. _Edward, I'm so sorry_. I'd pushed him until he stopped fighting me about this bike ride, and here I was, stuck in a tree with a bloodthirsty vampire. Jacob had doubtlessly alerted everyone, so Edward must be going out of his mind. At least he was probably safe.

I remembered some advice about motion sickness that involved keeping your eyes on the horizon, but I couldn't find it through the trees. So I used a technique from the first and last time I'd been on a roller coaster: I clenched my eyes shut and ground my teeth. Almost immediately James stopped moving, and I opened my eyes cautiously.

We were right outside some type of maintenance facility. There was a chain link fence all around it, with dump trucks and what looked like paving equipment parked on asphalt. Toward the fence's front gate, there was one of those enormous, cone-shaped buildings used to store road salt and gravel. This must be one of the state's regional transportation yards.

James jumped to a tree closer to the fence and a split second later, he gave one vigorous push and we were on the roof of the building, crashing through it. Shingles, nails, all kinds of debris followed us down as we fell through the hole James had made. I felt fragments of wood and roofing material tear at my clothes and hair, and I turned my face into his back to avoid getting anything in my eyes.

We were falling fast, and James let me go about halfway down. I fell straight to the concrete floor, hitting it with such force that I knew he must have dropped me about ten or twelve feet. By the time I was aware that I was falling, it was too late for me to turn, and I landed on my right shoulder and arm, screaming when I hit.

There was a slight cracking sound, and then a sharp pain along my collar and down my arm. I rolled over on my back to get the pressure off my shoulder, though that didn't give much relief. I felt the throbbing midway between my shoulder and neck, and I knew it had to be a break.

James walked over and kicked me in the side, eliciting another howl of pain. "Shut up, little girl," he snarled. He began fishing through my pockets, and at first I thought he was molesting me. I could tolerate being dropped and kicked, but I could not stand having his filthy hands on my body. Even through my overwhelming pain and horror, I noticed the difference between Edward's loving, cool touch and James foul grasp.

He found my cell phone in the pouch located at the back of my biking jersey; this must have been what he was looking for, because he quickly stood up and flipped it open. Handing it to me, he instructed, "Call him."

I played dumb. "Call who?"  
"Your boyfriend. Call him and tell him to come and get you."

I shook my head, the pain making it nearly impossible to talk.

He held up his foot as if to kick me again. "Do it."

"I can't hold the phone! You broke my damn shoulder," I screamed.

James scrolled through the numbers until he found Edward. He hit the autodial and stooped down, placing it next to my ear.

It rang once and Edward immediately answered. "Bella! Where are you? Are you-"

"Edward," I whispered. I felt close to passing out. "Don't-" I wanted to tell him to be careful, that I had no idea what else James had planned or whether this was all a trap. My entire right side, where James had kicked me, was throbbing in symphony with my shoulder. I turned my head toward Edward's voice; he was calling to his family and then he urged me, "Bella, stay with me! Where are you? We'll find you-"

James pulled the phone away and crooned, "Oh, loverboy, I'm so sorry. Your girlfriend seems to be falling asleep here. Maybe you bore her."

My head lolled on the concrete; I fought to stay conscious so I could follow what was going on. I saw James' feet, about a yard away from me, and I swear I could hear Edward's growling. _I didn't tell him I love him_, I thought faintly. _I want to tell him I love him_.

"If you come, make sure you're alone. If you take too long, I'll probably kill her. She's bleeding, and it would be a shame to waste that," James said casually. "She's not doing too well right now, just so you know."

He snapped the phone shut and threw it on the floor. "Well, you'll be glad to know your boyfriend is interested in finding you. I can't wait to see him again."

I tried to turn my head away now. It made me sick to look at him, but there was pain when I moved my neck, so I lay there and closed my eyes. James walked around the building, every so often circling back to me.

At one point, I heard him ask, "How are you doing, darling?" with a smirk in his voice. He scooted down and dragged an index finger along my cheek. "Hope Prince Valiant arrives soon, so you can at least see him before you die. Don't count on lasting too much longer, especially if he takes his time." I jerked my face away from his vile touch.

Something exploded off to my left. I involuntarily turned in that direction and instantly regretted it, though the pain abated after a moment. There was a large bay door opposite where we'd dropped through the roof, and it was now laying on the floor. I heard growls -- incredibly vicious growls, growing louder until they spiraled into barks and howls. Four wolves were walking purposefully toward James with their teeth flashing and snapping. One of them was Jacob. I recognized him from the cemetery.

I squinted my eyes and saw three wolves surround James while one trotted over to guard me. This wolf was all black, and much shorter and stockier than the others. His blunt front legs stood squarely on the concrete; his fur was short and coarse. It was Wendell.

I said his name hoarsely, wanting to touch him but not really able to move. He turned and gave me a serious stare, then moved even closer.

James had climbed up some rafters in an effort to get away from the wolves, who were jumping and snapping at his feet. And then I heard the voice I longed for more than any other, the one I feared I'd never hear again.

"Bella! Bella, oh my God," Edward sobbed. He and Carlisle sped through the now-open doorway. I heard more footsteps running toward where the wolves were trying to corner James, and much shouting.

Edward's hands were around my face; thankfully, I could see him fairly clearly as I fought unconsciousness. "You found me," I breathed.

"Of course, my love. Oh God, Bella, oh God," he said, choking, "I'm so sorry."

Carlisle was gently inspecting my limbs. "Bella, can you tell me where you're hurt?" he said urgently.

"My right shoulder," I whispered. "Pretty sure it's broken. Right side ribs hurt too."

Edward moved his hands to take mine, and that's when I saw the blood on them. My blood. I gasped, and Edward's eyes flashed wider. "What is it? Does something else hurt? Did-"

"Blood. Do you - should you leave?" I asked. The last thing I wanted was to let him out of my sight, but I didn't want to torture him.

Edward cried out again, in a strangled voice I'd never heard before. "As if I would leave you over that? Bella, Bella," he crooned, cradling my face.

Carlisle was gently examing my shoulder. "It is broken," he murmured. His cool fingers traced the ribs on my right side. "I don't feel a break here, but they could be fractured. We have to get her to the hospital." He tapped my abdomen. "I can't tell for sure whether she's bleeding internally." I heard Edward growl.

"Bella, Carlisle will stay with you. I need to help my family and the wolves..._attend_ to James," he snarled.

"Edward," Carlisle warned.

"Don't lecture me, Carlisle. He's a vicious monster who nearly _killed_ her. He killed others. He's not going to live!"

I was felt myself drifting off. "Don't get hurt," I mumbled.

Edward kissed me on the lips and eyes. "I won't, love."

"Bella, try not to fall asleep. I don't know whether you have a concussion. I need you to do your best to stay conscious," Carlisle encouraged me. "Esme," he called. "Please come here and help me."

I felt another pair of cool hands on my face, gently smoothing back my hair. "Esme?" I asked. My lids felt so heavy.

"Yes, dear, it's me. Try to stay awake," she said in a low, calm voice.

I opened my eyes and heard Carlisle murmur, "Do you detect anything that could be water in here?" Esme left my side and returned in a few seconds.

"There's a water cooler in the back," she said.

"Excellent. Can you get some water and wipe her head around her hairline?"

"I can do that," I protested.

Esme chuckled. "I don't think so, dear."

"Watch out for glass fragments - they may be embedded in her scalp," Carlisle warned.

"Ew. Gross," I mumbled. He laughed quietly.

"Trying to stay awake," I whispered.

"Good girl," he responded, gently stroking my cheek. His touch was almost as welcome as Edward's.

I could detect a brightness in the back of the building, off to my right, but Esme was blocking my vision. "What's going on?" I asked, then hissed with pain when I tried to look.

"Don't move your neck, Bella. As it is, we're going to have to carry you to the car and get you to the hospital. I want you to stay as still as possible now," Carlisle instructed.

"But what's happening?"

"We have to set fire to the building, dear," Esme said, as if she was explaining how often she gave plant food to her flowers.

"Oh." I was silent for a few seconds. "Why?"

"We'll need to cover up everything that happened here, and it's the most effective way. Now, don't worry about that. We're going to get you to the hospital in a few minutes," she said.

"Is Edward okay?" I asked.

"Oh, yes, he's fine," Esme said firmly.

I heard Carlisle call to Edward. "Peel some boards off those palettes before you burn them. I'm going to use them to try and stabilize her arm and shoulder." There was a tearing sound and Edward was right near me again.

Carlisle kept my shoulder as steady as possible while Edward quickly slid the board under my arm, parallel with it. The pain was awful; although Edward positioned the board as swiftly as possible, the motion felt like bonfires lit under my skin, from my neck to my arm. He kissed me passionately and pressed his forehead to mine.

"I'm so sorry, baby," he murmured.

" 'S okay," I whispered. "I know you had to."

Carlisle had torn his jacket into strips, which he was now using to secure my arm to the board. Edward slid longer planks from another palette underneath my body to serve as a makeshift stretcher. I heard hooting and yelling - it sounded like Emmett and Jasper -- while Edward and Carlisle slowly lifted me up and out of the storage building.

"Esme, open the rear door of the car," Carlisle instructed. Edward climbed in and guided me so I was lying down on the seat. The pain seared along my entire right side, but I knew there wasn't anything that could be done - they had to get me out of here. Still, I couldn't help but whimper and cry a little. This was nothing like anything I'd felt before.

Gently, Carlisle bent my knees and angled them so they were leaning against the back of the seat, to fit me in. Edward stayed on the floor by my head, steadying my body with his sure, strong hands. He tried to keep me as still as possible while stroking my hair.  
I was already in excruciating pain, so I thought, what further damage could I do? Gritting my teeth, I turned my head as much as I could so I could see Edward. The muscles along my neck and shoulder contracted in protest.  
"Bella, hold still," he gently chided me.  
"I was afraid I'd never see you again. Don't tell me not to look at you," I mumbled. The profound sadness in his eyes frightened me.

I wanted to distract him somehow so I tried what I do best: make him laugh.

"I threw up," I said solemnly.

"When? After you fell?" he asked frantically, worried now because nausea is a symptom of a concussion.

"No, after James grabbed me," I explained.

"What do you mean?" he asked, slight amusement softening his expression

"He was going too fast through the trees. I was on his back."

"Bella, you can tell me about this later." He tried to interrupt, but I pushed on.

"No, listen," I said, sighing. The pain in my ribs thundered through my chest, but I smiled. "I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I threw up on his foot."

Edward's eyes widened. "You did?"  
"Yes. I couldn't stop him, but I did gross him out."

He chuckled - my reward. "You are something else." He kissed me, but then his face fell with heavy worry.

"Stop," I whispered.

Edward immediately ceased stroking my hair and forehead.

"Not that. Stop what you're thinking," I instructed.  
"Now you're the mindreader? What are you talking about?" he murmured.  
"I know you feel guilty," I said. It hurt to breathe and talk now, but I had to say this. I knew how Edward thought.

"Bella-" he started to protest.

"No. _Stop._ Don't use this as an excuse to leave me," I said. The pain - in my shoulder, my side, and now in my heart - was growing unbearable.

Edward looked at me in shock, but he didn't say anything for a few minutes. That told me I was on the right track.

"You've been worried for a long time about something like this happening," I said, gasping. "Meeting James made it worse. You can't think that way."

Carlisle interrupted. Of course, he could hear what I was saying, despite the low tone of my voice. "Bella, please don't talk. It's better for your ribs if you just focus on breathing. Speak only if you need to tell Edward you have pain somewhere you didn't before.

"Okay," I said, not wanting to go against Carlisle's directive, especially after all he'd done. I looked at Edward, and for the first time I noticed there was something like tears in his eyes.

"Don't go," I sighed. "Don't break my heart."

He was silent for a moment, his face showing agony, and then he promised, "I won't."

**If you remember from a few chapters back, Bella got a little queasy on the flight from Seattle to New Jersey. Now you know how susceptible she is to motion sickness. (James does, too. Or rather, he did.)**

**I hope you enjoyed it. I think there will be about 2-3 more chapters before my story is completed. **


	24. Edward, Chapter 12

**Yes, I'm back! No, I haven't dropped this story - that will never happen. I will finish it, and in fact have determined that there are two chapters to go after this. **

**Thank you all for your faith and patience. All I have is the "real life has been rough" excuse, and while I know it's very lame, in this case, it's true.**

**Many thanks to Camilla and to my husband for reading. Very special thanks are owed to MissAlex, who shared her medical expertise with me and then reviewed the necessary paragraphs to make sure I got it right. I love all of you!  
**

**This chapter starts right before charity bike ride, and explores the events of that long day from Edward's POV. **

**Edward, Chapter 12**

More than a century of interacting with humans had never prepared me for the stubborn life form that was Bella Swan. Good thing I loved her so much, or I'd have lost patience ages ago.

Mind you, we've only been together a few months.

She didn't understand the fragility of her own life. I was immortal, and more solid and indestructible than tungsten carbide. I knew how easy it was to kill humans because I used to do it. Bella refused to acknowledge this, pushing away my concerns as if they were insignificant. I couldn't get her to see her own shortsightedness. I already knew she was reckless - she'd brought me into her life.

I'd been very conscious of her breakability ever since I met her, but the confrontation with the three nomad vampires in New Jersey only made our standoff worse. I was more determined than ever to protect her; she was more determined than ever to continue her life in her normal, careless way. It came to a head again with the benefit bike ride.

Bella insisted she was an experienced cyclist, that she would take every safety precaution, and that a five-mile ride wouldn't pose any problem. I'd secured promises from my family to help guard Bella by running alongside of her, camouflaged in some way, as I would be. Each one of them quickly agreed to help. (Even Rosalie complained and rolled her eyes far less than I expected.) Of course, I'd be closest to Bella. I'd always be closest to her.

She reminded me numerous times that the additional complication of bloodthirsty, uncontrolled vampires would be negated by my family's presence. I had to hand it to her: she was really daring me to say our safeguarding wouldn't be sufficient. I tried to skirt around that by emphasizing the "uncontrolled" part, but she insisted on having faith in me and my family. She knew, of course, there was little I could say about it without contradicting all my previous claims of protecting her the best.

I was backed into a corner, and there are very few beings who could do that. Only one of them human, in fact.

There had been no sign of the nomad vampires since we returned to the Pacific Northwest. That alone was not much assurance; although I listened for their thoughts every moment of every day, I knew they could be just out of my mind's hearing range. My family helped by making the usual hunting excursions double as a patrol for any signs of the trio.

Alice was especially upset because she couldn't see anything. When she focused on the nomads or on Bella, the scenes were hazy. She could sometimes see Bella, but Alice told me it was often as if there was a soft focus around her face, enough to obscure whatever might be around her. This did nothing to encourage my confidence.

Her diminished sight couldn't help us fortify against any potential attacks. But on the other hand, there were no random signs of danger appearing, either. Several weeks had gone by since we returned, and Bella noted that in that time Forks remained the same, without any unwanted visitors from the afterlife. She brought up the bike ride a number of times, and although I knew she would ultimately do as she wanted, I was deeply happy that she cared enough to seek my blessing.

But I wasn't going to give in that easily. I had to practically yank her bicycle away from her to get an expert to look at it. After educating myself on bike maintenance and doing some research, I found the best bicycle shop in the Seattle region and took her bike there. There was actually a waiting list for repairs and maintenance, but my offer to pay extra moved me to the front of the line. It was worth it for my own peace of mind, and I'd take that any way I could get it right now.

The morning of the ride came, and for the first time since we'd been spending overnights together, Bella woke up and bounced out of bed on her own. She'd been training for a few weeks, although her endurance was such that she could easily handle the distance. (I'd accompanied her on the training rides as well, which she bore with good grace even when I insisted she ride through the the town of Forks and not the treelined highway.) She seemed eager to start the morning's events, and it occurred to me that she might be craving the normalcy she enjoyed before we all had to be concerned about the other immortals. Although I didn't like to think about it, things had been abnormal for both of us ever since we fell in love. Of course, I welcomed the way her entry into my existence had changed me. Bella's capsizing of my life had made it infinitely better. I still wasn't sure I could say the same for her, although it upset her to hear me question that.

I pushed aside those thoughts and focused on making her breakfast while she hummed in her room, gathering her cycling clothes. She walked into the kitchen, sniffing at the air.

"Mmmmmm...eggs? Sausage? This looks great, Edward. Thank you." Bella leaned over and kissed me.

I pulled her snugly to my side. "I want to make sure you're fully carb-loaded this morning."

"Yeah, I can see you're taking it very seriously. Jeez, Edward, it's five flat miles, not the Tour de France." She turned to pour some coffee, giving me a prime view of her trim form in bike shorts and jersey. That stretch material wasn't very forgiving, but Bella had nothing to forgive. The sportswear added some extra shape to a figure which needed very little improvement. Too soon, she turned around again and caught me looking.

"Something distracting you, Chef Cullen?" she asked, smirking.

I grinned. "Yes, actually. I'm about to change my mind about the bike ride again, I think."

Her eyes widened. "What? Why?"

"You look too good in those biking shorts. I don't want to waste time on a bike ride." I lowered my voice to a throbbing purr. "What if I distracted you and made you miss it?"

She stood absolutely still, with only her eyelids closing slightly. I could hear her breathing grow heavy.

"That's a low blow, Edward," she replied in a husky voice. "Since you have a supernatural mind and absolute recall, I'm going to ask you to hold that thought until later. And you can bet I won't forget, either."

In one smooth movement, Bella grabbed the spatula out of my hand, tossed it, and turned off the stove. Her hands traveled up my chest until her fingers threaded through my hair, yanking and tugging at the strands. She tilted her head up until our lips met - a searing, lengthy kiss that both took and gave everything. The warm wetness of her lips and her small, perfect body pressed up against mine made everything stand still. We kiss and embrace every chance we get, but every time, it's new to me all over again.  
I felt Bella's tongue stroke my lower lip and I sighed involuntarily. Did she really want to miss the bike ride? I was only half-kidding about staying here instead, but that was five minutes ago. She picked up her leg and hitched it so it was balanced around my hip and her foot dangled delicately near my ass. This made her own rear jut out at sharper angle, and placed the center atop her legs directly against my own.  
I groaned, long and hard.  
"Edward," she said softly, "this is where we'll pick up when we get back. But we _are_ going." Her smile grew teasing. "It was definitely a good try, though. One of your better ones." She gave me another soft, open-mouthed kiss before dropping her leg and easing out of my arms.

"You're killing me over here," I informed her, shaking my head. She tossed me an apologetic smile.

"I need to eat now so we can head out. The sooner we get there, the sooner we get home." She put her coffee mug on the table, and I brought her plate over to her.

"You're spoiling me," she chided, smiling, as she dug into the eggs.

"I love to spoil you. You almost never let me," I replied, running the backs of my fingers along her forearm. I was still feeling high from that little interlude.

"You gave me pearls. You bought me an expensive suit. These are undoubtedly the best organic eggs from free-range chickens in the entire state. What else did you have in mind?" she said, grinning.

I raised my eyebrows. "Are you inviting ideas? Because I have hundreds," I said, and thought, _It's not exactly spoiling, but I'll be happy to just keep you alive._

A few moments passed silently while Bella continued to eat. Without looking up from her plate, she said quietly, "Stop worrying, Edward. Everything will be fine."

I sighed. "I really wish-"

"No." She put her fingertips against my lips. "Just cut it out, okay? You worry too much." Bella stood up and took her empty plate to the sink. "It's getting late; we should leave."

"It's 9:15. The park is ten minutes from here."

"I want to check everything on my bike again when we're there." She looked at me in mock amazement. "I can't believe you haven't thought of that yourself."

"Please stop being so dismissive of your own safety."

"I'm _not_." She threw her hands up in frustation. "God, Edward, what do you want me to say? That I won't ride? That the extent of my travels will be my house or yours? And I'll only go to work and back, with _you_, every day, and nothing else?"

"That's a start."

"You're ridiculous," she said, huffing.

"I know you hate this," I said softly. "I don't like all the constraints, either. But the thought of anything happening to you..." I gripped her hand as hard as I could. "I know what my kind is capable of. I read James' mind. He's a vengeful sort. I wouldn't put it past him to come looking for us."

"He has nothing better to do than stalk the girlfriend of another vampire he met once?" she asked doubtfully.

"Actually, he doesn't. That's part of the attraction for him. Nomads aren't exactly gainfully employed. Coming for you would probably be the most fun he's had in ages," I said.

She sighed. "Let's finish this discussion later. I really do want to get to the park now."

It was about a ten minute ride by car, and the crowds were beginning to gather when we arrived. Most of my family were there, waiting for us, and once we greeted everyone I pulled Bella's bike out of the back of her car and began inspecting it.

"I can do that," she insisted.

"No, it's fine - I got it," I replied absently.

She scowled and shook her head. "Do you want to do the ride for me, too?"

I glanced up at her again. "That would actually solve a number of problems."

Faintly at first, I heard my name being called in thought. It was Alice, and she and Jasper were on their way to the park _Edward, he's here_, she thought frantically. _James. I've seen him. _Alice's inner voice became stronger as they drove as fast as legally possible. _He's come to Washington to find you. And Bella._

Bella immediately noticed the change in my demeanor and started to question me. "Stay here," I instructed her. "I have to talk to Carlisle."

My father watched me approach with concern; he knew something was wrong. _Son?_

"Alice has seen James," I said urgently. Carlisle's eyebrows shot up. "We have to get Bella out of here and find him."

Jasper pulled his car crookedly alongside Bella's, and Alice hopped out before he'd even turned off the motor. _He's right around Forks, Edward._ I saw him running through woods in her vision, combing through the Hoh Rain Forest in a deliberate fashion. The scene ended abruptly, but his intent was clear.

"Why now, and not before?" I asked her in a low voice. I couldn't be angry with her; if it wasn't for her visions, we would know nothing, but I was frustrated that she hadn't seen this earlier.

_I think he changed his mind very recently. The three of them were working their way west, and Laurent decided to split off from them. Victoria is still his mate, but I don't see her around him. I don't know what that means,_ she said, and even in her thoughts, those last few words sounded agonized. I shook my head subtly at her to indicate she shouldn't feel guilty.

"Bella, we have to get you to our house. Now," I said, already thinking of who could drive her there and who could split off to look for James. I wanted to see her safe, of course, but I also wanted to get my hands around his throat and twist it. Carlisle suggeste that Esme and Rosalie take Bella. I needed Jasper to help me strategize, Alice to see and Emmett to provide his brute strength. The pull to go with Bella was strong, though. I didn't even want to let her out of my sight, but I wanted to be the one to take James out.

When it seemed as if the situation couldn't get worse, the unmistakeable smell of dog drifted over.

Several Quileute Indians walked toward us, their hatred thinly disguised. Sam, the leader of the wolfpack, explained that they detected the smell of another vampire, and they asked us what we knew.

Carlisle, as the one who was instrumental in initiating the treaty, was the best one to do the talking. I listened carefully to their thoughts. Their own bloodlust was directed at the nomad vampire they knew was in our midst. Although they didn't trust our control, their tribal elders believed Carlisle was a man of his word, and they forced the younger wolves to maintain at least some level of respect.  
Once Carlisle explained the situation, the wolves suggested bringing Bella to La Push. The Indians, and Jacob in particular, were deeply concerned about her safety. I couldn't even appreciate that commonality. I had my own ideas for how to protect her. and bringing her to the reservation was not on the list. I wanted my own family to deliver her to our home, where she could be sequestered until we found James. Adding to my bitterness, Carlisle sided with the Quiletues.  
He noted that James would expect me to accompany Bella. _I know you much prefer to have us search for James, and have Esme and Rose take Bella home,_ he thought. _Even so, there really is safety in numbers. The addition of the wolves would add greatly to our chances. _  
I was almost ready to concede when Sam, the leader, suggested Jacob take Bella to La Push.  
Over my already-dead body.

Bella stepped in and gently encouraged me to follow this plan. I asked her bluntly if we could trust Jacob. I knew, certainly, that he'd be willing to protect Bella...maybe too willing. Bella assured me that we could, but I'm not sure we had matching definitions of what it meant to "trust" Jacob. The dog's smug thoughts were starting to drive me crazy. Considering how on edge I was right now, it was all I could do to refrain from ripping his head off. Anything to do away with those shiny white teeth in that smug smile.  
I resisted that temptation by focusing on Bella, who was now sobbing into my chest. Her tears cut me like nothing else could. And while her fears strengthened my resolve to eliminate the nightmare threatening her safety, they nearly toppled my determination to find James and destroy him myself. I stood with her, uncertain over whether I should stay with her to keep her from falling apart.  
Nothing, however, would satisfy me until I tore his body up and burned every piece. The waste of immortality deserved it, and Bella should have nothing less. Carlisle was right; it was best to let her go with the wolves.

I kissed her as hard as if it was our last time together. _Take that, dog._

Bella climbed into the Subaru as Jacob jangled the keys, taunting me. I ignored him. I didn't need him to remind me of what I'd done. It was I who put Bella in danger. This would never have happened if we were not together; if she didn't have me, she could go about her life like any normal young woman.

Unaccustomed as I am to fear, I found it distracting and upsetting. It made me feel deficient in ways I'd never contemplated. Bella always said I was enough for her, but clearly that wasn't the case. I couldn't keep her out of the ugly realities of my existence. Knowing James has discovered a new purpose - revenge, provocation, however his sick mind defined it - I was truly afraid. The last time I'd felt anywhere near this fearful, and this inadequate, was when I revealed myself to Bella in the diner. I had no assurance that this would end as happily.

She put her hand up on the window, and I placed mine against hers on the other side, matching the shape and pressing my palm and fingers as if I could keep the warm imprint until we saw each other again. Standing in the grass while everyone else prepared for the bike ride that Bella would no longer be a part of, I watched my life drive away. Yet again, I had to talk myself out of running after the car and pulling her out to keep her with me. I debated it for several minutes until Carlisle gently tugged on my arm.  
"Come," he said quietly. "Sam has been communicating with some of the wolves who are already patrolling the forest. We should coordinate with him."  
I tried to organize my thoughts so strategy would occupy more of my mind than Bella. Alice came over to my side.  
_I still can't see anything, Edward. I'm so sorry. I think it's the wolves. I think they're somehow blocking my ability,_ she thought.  
I growled. Was there anything these stinking hounds could do right?  
_But for what it's worth, I agree with Carlisle. I think it's a good plan to have her go to LaPush. I doubt James and Victoria can get past the wolves along the treaty border. And in the meantime, we can go through the woods here, _she thought, trying to encourage me.  
Focus, I told myself.  
We decided that my family would fan out due west of the park, while the wolves moved in the direction of La Push. I stayed with Alice and Jasper while the other four grouped in pairs and combed through the forest. Most of the time, we kept close enough so that I could still hear their mindts. If they found something, I could move with them in seconds. Jacob's snarky thoughts grew dim; he and Bella must be further south along Route 101. The last I heard, there was silence in the car, and that gave me no small measure of satisfaction.

I raced through the woods as my family took off to their respective parts of the forest. I listened hard for James' thoughts while also keeping track of everyone else. I heard nothing. At the same time, I used my sense of smell to check along the ground as well as up in the trees, trying to discern his scent - or the scent of anyone I hadn't detected before.

I don't know how much time had passed; it wasn't part of my focus now. Dimly, off to the west, I heard what sounded like shattering glass and then a crash. Jacob's angry screams filled the air. I veered off in his direction and yelled, "Carlisle! Quick!" The anxiety in the pit of my stomach exploded. What had happened? Was it-

"Cullens! Pack! Over here! Now!" I heard Jacob's roar and tripled my speed. I found his scent quickly, following it in the straightest line I could manage. Every extra-sharp sense I had was concentrated on him.

Fear again washed over me, even stronger as the scent of Bella's blood came at me. I smelled it before I saw the car pulled off the road. Even through the trees in the distance, I could tell the windshield was smashed, with a large hole punctured in the passenger side.

James' odor was also all over this spot. But it disappeared once I stepped several feet away from the car.  
Jacob was darting back and forth next to the car, a look of anguish upon his face. By now, Carlisle had caught up with me and was running near my side. Once Jacob saw us he stood still, his body trembling.

"He took her! Sonofabitch dropped from the tree through the car and yanked her right up!" His trembling increased as his entire body shook. The sounds of fabric tearing were loud at his back. "I told the pack; they're trying to find her. Go! I'm off!" In a flash, Jacob phased in front of us and jumped away from the car, his massive body coiling and springing forward.

I stood frozen to the spot, staring at the bloody edges of the fractured windshield. It was Bella's blood. Was she still alive? Were we already too late?

"Edward." Carlisle said urgently. "Run with Jacob. I'll go in the opposite direction and let the others know what's happened before I meet up with you again."

His words pulled me out of my panic. I had to move; there wasn't much time. I had to go...I had to bring her back to safety.

With a quick nod, I tore off, running diagonally away from the car. I didn't think my purpose could become any more sure, or strong. I was determined to outlast my fear and prove it wrong.

I ran as fast as I could, and with each step I thought of the past months with Bella. _The first time I saw her, an awful moment made right by getting to know her_...now I pushed through the forest, this place that I never considered might be the setting for our last time together..._Bella, not always very coordinated and quite accident prone, so much so that a speedy vampire had to pull her out of the path of a car...I raced along, propelling myself so fiercely that I could not be seen by human eyes...Bella calmly revealing that she knew my true nature, her eyes steady and nonjudgmental as she sat across from me...I pushed on, pumping my arms and legs, slowing only when I thought I detected her scent - wait, was it above me? ...Bella in my meadow, loving and awestruck as I showed myself to her...I shimmied up the tree to follow James's scent, spurred even more by the possibility of finding her...the first time I kissed her, incredulous that my cold, lifeless lips could feel desirable to someone so warm and caring...I jumped from one branch to another, my footing sure and strong...the evening she spent with my family, our time together afterward, and then every night together after that... _

So many images, like pictures moving through my mind...and I knew the caption to each of them, but would there be more? Would I keep these memories knowing there would be none after today? The moments we had: the two of us in my car, in the Forks diner, at the cemetery, in her bed, in my bed, her smile, her eyes, the look in her eyes. She knew when I was lying, when I was sad, when I was being ridiculous or excited or happy...and the acceptance and love she always gave me...no, that can't end. I cannot survive with only memories. I need more.

The trees flashed by as I made my way through her scent. My phone ran suddenly, the ringtone clear and bell-like. It was the song I'd written for Bella. She was calling.

Frantic, I whipped out the cell and said, almost hysterically, "Bella! Where are you?"

My beloved's voice was a whisper, a quiet toneless murmur. "Edward...don't..." Then nothing.

I roared in frustration, continuing to move along the trail of her scent. "Bella, stay with me! Where are you?"

The whisper of breath on the other end changed, and I heard James snorting in disgust. "Oh, loverboy, I'm so sorry. Your girlfriend seems to be falling asleep here. Maybe you bore her."

Involuntarily, a snarl escaped my throat but I quickly contained it. If I made him angrier, Bella would pay. "James, let her go. Your fight is with me. Let her go and I'll meet you."

He chuckled and whispered at a vampire volume, "We'll meet all right. But I'll hold her until I see your smug face." Louder, he said, "If you come, make sure you're alone. If you take too long, I'll probably kill her. She's bleeding, so it may not be much longer. And it would be a shame to waste that."

I choked at his words. The image of Bella, hurt and broken, filled my mind. A rolling growl erupted from my throat.

"She's not doing too well right now, just so you know," he added, as if he was discussing the weather.

"James, get the hell away from her or I swear-" I roared. It was fruitless; he had already hung up.

My hand squeezed the phone in agony and frustration until I felt the casing begin to crack. I shoved it back in my pocket. I needed the phone and couldn't afford to break it.  
I redoubled my efforts, running faster and quicker than ever in my century as a vampire. The smell of James drifted like a brief haze, but more important, I also detected Bella. I followed the scent straight ahead, and slightly to the right. Yes! She had been in this tree...she called to me in memory and in the present, to find her and save her...and for the sake of her future, I would.

There was a loud crash, and somehow, instinctively, I knew it meant something good. The wolves were howling again. They had found something.  
Ahead of me, through the trees, I could see a cone-shaped building - one of the transportation maintenance yards built by the state. I yelled for Carlisle and gave him some coordinates in the woods to find me.  
"Tell everyone," I screamed. By now, I had a good view of the area that was fenced in. The front door of the building had been broken down. She must be in there.  
_Bella..._please, whatever God there is who might actually listen to me, let her be alive. Let her be okay.  
Carlisle reached me quickly. We ran the last few steps to the fence and I yanked it up, tearing the mesh so I could get through it. The wolves were howling victoriously. They had backed James against a wall, and their thoughts were an uproarious din of taunts and insults. They were angry too, but it was nothing compared to what I felt. Through the racket, I heard James' panicked thoughts, and as satisfying as that was, I focused only on Bella.  
I smelled her before I saw her, the rich aroma of her blood filling the air. She was sprawled on the floor, her right arm at an awkward angle. An enormous black wolf lay at her head, his paws encasing her on either side of her body. He was keeping her immobile. I flew over to her and fell on the floor, a dry sob escaping from my chest.

The wolf rose slowly, sliding his feet back to avoid jostling Bella. Finally he stood, his deep black eyes staring at me. There was no animosity there; his look told me he was willing to let me take over.

"Thank you," I whispered emotionally, grateful that the pack arrived when it did. The wolf dipped his head and then trotted off to join his brothers.  
"Bella! Bella, oh my God," I sobbed. "Sweetheart, are you awake? Where are you hurt?"  
She moaned and moved her head, then hissed in pain. Her vision seemed to clear, and then her face smoothed in recognition. "You found me," she said in wonder.

Hearing her talk - knowing she recognized me - brought my heart back to life. "Of course, my love. Oh God, Bella, oh God," I said, my voice breaking. "I'm so sorry."

I stroked and held her face, murmuring her name over and over. Right then, I wanted to take her away with me, to find somewhere warm and sunny where we could be together and alone, and where she would be safe. I needed to hold on to her and love her, and protect her as surely as I had neglected to do ever since we were on the East Coast.

But first..._take care of her here. Now. At least you know there is a future, unless she leaves you. And could you blame her?_

I had to make sure she was at least in a condition to be stabilized. Carlisle had determined that her shoulder was broken, and that she probably also had fractured ribs. Despite the pain, she was able to answer some of his questions. Much to my relief, she seemed very lucid, if sleepy. I knew my father was concerned about a possible concussion.

The wolves still had James backed into a corner when the rest of my family arrived. Jasper and Emmett immediately ran over to where he was trying vainly to scale the back wall. They roared with laughter as a wolf jumped up effortlessly each time he tried to ascend and pulled him right back down again. Once I could see that Carlisle had sized up Bella's injuries, I told her I would leave her side only long enough to deal with James. Carlisle frowned at me and actually began lecturing me about maintaining control. That was the last thing I would hold on to. Whatever humanity I might have had was overpowered by a murderous impulse to kill James. I would avenge her, and my father would not stop me.

_All right, Edward. I will not deny you this. It will probably save some other lives to destroy his,_ Carlisle finally thought, then turned his attention back to Bella. He called Esme to help while I went over to where James was cornered. With deep satisfaction, I heard that his mind was a crescendo of panic. Excellent. I wanted him to feel something of what he inflicted on Bella before we disposed of him for good.  
"Gentlemen," I said calmly, "I'd like a few words with him, if I may."  
He was flush against the wall with six wolves and two other vampires in a tight semi-circle around him. "Where is Victoria?" I demanded.

He growled and moved to hit me, but I heard it in his thoughts so I punched him first. Grabbing him by his jacket, I roared, "The woman Victoria! Where is she?"

I saw her in his mind, running through a wooded setting. She was still in the area, waiting to meet him. It looked as if she could be somewhere in the Olympic National Forest. "Go to hell," he snarled.

I laughed. "Oh, _you'll_ be there soon enough," I whispered.

I slammed James' head against the building, cracking a hole in the wood. "This is for coming to Washington," I said evenly.

I punched him in the gut. "This is for just thinking about Bella."  
I pulled him by the arm over my shoulder and slammed him to the floor. Grabbing his throat, I said, "This is for scaring her."  
I squeezed his neck as his hands flew up to pull me off. Emmett yanked them back and James let out another roar.  
"That's for taking her away from me," I growled.  
At this point, I was perched on his chest. With both my hands, I grabbed the sides of his head and twisted once, twice, until it came off. "And this is for hurting her. It's the last thing you'll ever do, you worthless piece of crap."  
The wolves descended on him and finished him off. Emmett, Jasper and I grabbed nearby wood palettes and began tearing them up to start the fire. We tossed the last of James into the flames, watching in satisfaction as the black smoke crawled to the top of the building.  
Alice and Rose were dragging other pallettes around in preparation for setting the entire building on fire. It was the only way to cover our tracks. They wouldn't even find James' bones or teeth, and that was just as well. It was possible they might think he was a vagrant who'd use the site to camp out and started a fire he couldn't stop, but they'd also try and trace him. We couldn't afford that. Every piece of him would burn: if not in the fire we set especially for him, then in the blaze we'd light to wipe out the entire storage facility.  
Carlisle had me pull some of the wooden slats over so he could use them to stabilize Bella's neck and shoulder. As we slid them underneath, her cries cut through me, the sound more painful than anything I could imagine. Because of me, she was lying here in agony, and I'd just made it worse. Because of me, she'd have to stay in the hospital, possibly for surgery, and spend untold hours in physical therapy.

"I'm so sorry, baby," I whispered, my voice breaking again. I pressed my forehead to hers and kissed her as intimately as I dared, not wanting to jostle her.

"S'okay. I know you had to," she replied. She had to be the strongest human I'd ever known.

We had to get her out of here; the fire, though currently controlled by my brothers and sisters, would spread fast. Carlisle and I fashioned a crude stretcher with more planks. Esme opened the rear door of the Mercedes, and we tried to make Bella as comfortable as possible within the confines of the back seat. I folded myself in behind the driver's seat and positioned my arms to make sure Bella was stable for the ride to Forks Hospital.  
She turned her head toward me and grimaced in distressed. "No, no, no, sweetheart," I murmured. "Bella, hold still."  
"I was afraid I'd never see you again. Don't tell me not to look at you," she admonished me.  
After all that had happened, she still loved me. I could see it in her eyes. This was the reward she got for falling in love with a monster: a broken shoulder, injured ribs, and God only knows what else.  
And as long as we were together, she would be at risk for worse. Bella would have better odds gambling for a secure future in Las Vegas.  
Suddenly, she said, "I threw up."  
Immediately I thought, _concussion_. "When? After you fell?" My hands tightened along her sides.  
"No, after James grabbed me," Bella murmured. She was searching my eyes with her own gaze as if looking for reassurance. A small smile played along her lips.

"What do you mean?" I asked, involuntarily smiling in response.

"He was going too fast through the trees. I was on his back." She appeared to be struggling to get the words out, probably because her ribs were injured.  
"Bella, you can tell me about this later." I tried to get her to stop, but she was determined. Stubborn as ever. And I couldn't deny that I loved hearing her voice, knowing she was there with me and she would be all right.

"I tried to warn him but he wouldn't listen. I threw up on his foot."

What? I shook my head in amused wonder. She seemed so pleased with herself, and _that_ was an insult I couldn't bestow on James. At least she'd gotten back at him in some small way.

"You are something else," I said, chuckling. I kissed her and stroked her face, her hair, anywhere I could reach that wouldn't hurt her. She'd done what she could before I got there. But what if James had become so angry he'd let her fall from the tree? She would have paid the ultimate price for irritating him.

"Stop," she said gently. I stilled my hand against her forehead.

"Not that. Stop what you're thinking." Her eyes glowed with pain, but it seemed that it wasn't all physical.

"You've been worried for a long time about something like this happening," she said, stumbling through the words with effort. "Meeting James made it worse. You can't think that way."

Wordlessly, I shook my head because I couldn't find anything to say. I could deny it all I wanted, but she was right about my obsession with her safety. Admitting to it would upset her, but denying it would be doing her a great disservice - to the point of jeopardizing her life.

Carlisle rescued me by urging Bella to refrain from talking and focus on breathing.

I knew she heard him, but she didn't acknowledge his admonition. Her large brown eyes, now filled with tears, remained locked in mine. "Don't go. Don't break my heart," she begged. Her voice was a whisper but the emotion was hard and fast.

What could I say? How could I promise anything else right now? "I won't," I said, stroking her cheek.  
Her gaze now wandered over my face, as if she was searching for anything that might make my words a lie. I focused on her eyes, and on keeping her immobile.

Carlisle had called ahead to the hospital. When we arrived, the glass doors slid open and an orderly raced over with a gurney. We carefully moved Bella out of the car, still using the pallettes to shift her on to the bed. My insides twisted as I saw the look of agony on her face every time we jostled her, for as careful as we were, we couldn't help it.  
We pushed the gurney into the Emergency Room as another doctor ran toward us. Carlisle gave him Bella's stats and a brief fabricated story about how she felt ill at the bike race, then hit a deer while driving home. We'd flesh out the details later; I'd have to call Emmett or Jasper to find a deer and shove it through the windshield of the Subaru before the police got to it.  
Bella's eyes were blinking lazily, almost as if she was drifting off to sleep. "Can you stay awake, sweetheart? We're in the ER now," I said, softly stroking her hair. Nurses quickly hooked up the heart monitor and blood pressure cuff, and Carlisle inserted the IV.  
"Do I have to have this needle?" she moaned.  
Carlisle chuckled. "After all you've been through today, you're worried about needles?"  
"I hate them," she grumbled. Each time she complained about something, my heart lifted a little more. It sounded like my normal Bella, the one who'd tease good-naturedly, or find some way to make everyone laugh and put them at ease.  
Carlisle quickly wrote out the orders for x-rays and called over to make sure the technicians would take her right away. We moved the gurney to transport her when she suddenly turned her head, looking for me. She cried out in pain.  
"Bella, don't do that, baby," I said, trying to sound calm.  
"Can you come with me?" she pleaded.  
"Of course, I'm right here," I said, puzzled over her fearful tone.  
"Don't leave me," she said, her voice cracking with emotion. I could see she was starting to cry.  
"I won't, Bella. I'll be right outside the whole time. I'll wait for you."  
"Hold my hand," she demanded, tears streaming down her face.  
"I will." Gingerly, I took hold of her hand as we walked. I had to stop outside of the examination room, watching helplessly as she was wheeled in, still crying.  
Carlisle waited with me so he could look at her films as soon as they were taken. I felt his arm settle gently around my shoulders.  
"She's had a terrible trauma, Edward. It's very normal for her to want someone she loves around her every second," he said.  
He probably didn't consider the irony of his words. I'd long had doubts about whether Bella was safe with me, but that was always because of my own tenuous self-control. In the past few months, I began to see how dangerous it was for her to be in any part of my world. Today, she almost died because of it - because I had foolishly given in to my desires and let her in. Selfish and delusional, I thought I could protect her. I thought it would work.  
I never thought she might get hurt or killed by anyone except me.  
My father, who knew me better and for a longer time than anyone else, watched me intently. "What's wrong, Edward?" he asked quietly.  
That set me off. " 'What's _wrong?'_ The woman I love nearly died today, because of me. Because of my selfishness!" I spat.  
Carlisle shook his head. "No, Edward, you saved her. You found her before-"  
"She's got broken bones and fractures and God knows what other injuries because of me!" I hissed. _"Because of me!_ I never should have-"  
"Edward." Carlisle grabbed my arms. "You've protected her from others of our kind who have no regard for human life. Those nomads could have gotten to her in New Jersey. She could have been hurt or killed because you weren't there to rescue her."  
I snorted dismissively. "What are the odds they would have found her if I hadn't been with her? She could be living her life normally, probably with a normal guy..." I stopped. I couldn't bear the thought of Bella with another man, no matter how right for her it would be.  
He looked at me intently. "What are you going to do?" His mind was quiet, awaiting my response.  
I shook my head. "I don't know. I have to talk to her, but now is not the time."  
"You're right about that," Carlisle said. "Let her heal first. But Edward..." he stopped, thinking over his words. _You two have a strong bond - very strong. She is your mate, Edward, for better or for worse, as the saying goes. I don't even want to think of how either of you would be without the other. _

I groaned and ran my hands through my hair aimlessly. "How can I do this, Carlisle? Either way, I'll be hurting her, devastating her. She put her trust in me, and whether I leave or stay with her, I can't live up to it."

Carlisle shook his head. "Don't underestimate her." And then, abruptly, he thought, _Have you thought about changing her?_  
My chest rumbled with my suppressed roar. _"No,"_ I snapped.  
"Don't be so dismissive. She may want it, Edward," he warned.  
"How could you even...Are you endorsing this?" I hissed. "You said yourself: _no more._"  
He sighed. "I know. But that was before you fell in love with a human. Esme and I spent decades hoping you'd be happy, that you'd find someone who could appreciate you and love you. And now you have. I can't imagine you going back to a life of solitude, particularly now that you _have_ been so happy."  
"I cannot end her life, Carlisle," I said, my voice breaking. Yet how could I even consider leaving her? I was selfish enough to draw her into a relationship, and now far too selfish to want to leave it. Wasn't that what people who loved selflessly did: make decisions in the best interest of the person they loved? Even if it meant eternal agony, denied the one thing that turned my existence into life...  
"Talk to her. You cannot make this judgment on your own," he urged.  
I looked at him as if he was mad. "Of course I can!" I snapped.  
He shook his head again. "You're a couple, and like it or not, these are the kinds of decisions you make together." _Don't be a martyr, Edward. Remember Bella has a choice, too._

I whipped my head around to stare at my father in disbelief. "This from a man who's taken four lives? What choice did _we_ have?"

Immediately, I regretted it. Carlisle winced, and I knew he saw his own hypocrisy. "Fair enough," he sighed. "Maybe I'm trying to right my own wrong or correct something I did a very long time ago out of loneliness. I have no moral standing to lecture you on this."

The door opened and the techs wheeled Bella out of the imaging room. Carlisle and I moved to direct the gurney when Carlisle said to me, "If you can manage this on your own, I'd like to stay and look at her x-rays."

"Just bring them to the ER," I instructed him. "I want to see them too."

Carlisle nodded and disappeared behind another door. I pulled the gurney all the way out and gave Bella a kiss.

"You're awfully bossy," she noted.

I laughed. "You're just noticing that now?"

"You usually don't talk to Carlisle like that, though."

I was silent for a moment, thinking of the exchange I'd just had with him. "He knows I'm not in the best frame of mind right now."

Along the way back to the ER, I kept my eyes on Bella. She was quiet and her eyelids seemed droopy, but that was probably because she was on strong painkillers. I parked the gurney and sat in the chair, my fists stacked on her bed and my chin on my top of my fists, waiting for Carlisle to return.

Slowly, Bella turned her head to face me. "You've got that look on your face again, Edward," she said slowly.

I moved only my gaze toward her. "What look...Never mind. You should be resting," I scolded her.

"You believe this is all because of you," she said, and I felt her stare, direct and fearful.

"Can you stay quiet for your own sake?" I said, pleading. I didn't want her getting upset, but honestly, this was too dificult for me to get into. I needed to avoid this conversation right now.

After all the courage she'd shown this day, I couldn't give her what she needed. Again.  
"You were thinking about it. About us, and staying together. Not staying together. Don't say you weren't," she mumbled, challenging me to contradict her.

I had to look away. "Bella, you could have died."

"But I didn't." Her voice grew louder.

"He could have-"

"But I _didn't_." She shifted slightly, trying to sit up, and winced. "You know what else? You can't make those decisions for me. Or for us. You can't unilaterally decide what's best, even if you think it is. I want...I need to be like you. Then you wouldn't worry and we could be together. Always." If I didn't know better, I'd think she coordinated this with Carlisle.

I shook my head and put my hands out to settle her down. "Bella, stop. You're in a lot of pain, and you shouldn't be getting yourself all worked up - "

"Don't change the subject," she snarled. She _snarled_ at me! "Bella," I said, more in shock than alarm.

"I mean it, Edward. When will it be time for us to discuss this? There's enough elephants in this room for us to start our own circus. There's _always_ the elephants!"

"That's the Demerol talking, sweetheart."

"No," she insisted, and then relaxed against her pillow, grimacing. I stroked her hand around the intravenous tubing, playing with her fingers. I picked them up to kiss them, meeting her eyes, and I noticed she was crying.

"Bella, sweetheart, please stop," I crooned.

_"Listen to me,"_ she said in a low voice, her teeth clenched. "I know you. I've seen the guilt you carry around with you, and I know I've been a big part of that ever since we've met." She twisted her fingers around and clutched the hand I'd been using to hold hers. "You think this is all your fault. You believe you're putting me in danger. We have to make that go away, and there's only one way to do it."

I looked down at our hands, which rested together perfectly despite the difference in size. My mind was a blank. I couldn't think of what to say. I couldn't read her thoughts and figure out my responses ahead of time, I couldn't lie to her, and I couldn't bear to lay out my worries about her future when she was injured and in pain.  
"Talk to me. Tell me what you're thinking. If I believe for a second you're holding anything back, I'll only imagine it's worse than it is," she begged.

Thankfully, Carlisle was returning. He'd no doubt heard everything, but graciously, he only warned me of his approach in his thoughts.

"Carlisle's back. I want to take a look at your x-rays with him. Don't go anywhere." I wanted to tease her into a better frame of mind. She stared at me mournfully.

"All right," Carlisle said in a soft but commanding tone. He clipped the films to the viewing light. "The good news is, you don't seem to have a concussion."

"Thick head," she murmured. I glanced at her, grateful to hear her usual sarcasm.

"The pretty good news is, your break isn't as bad as it could be. You have a proximal humerus fracture, right where your arm bone meets your shoulder." I stepped closer to the film as he gestured to the area of her injury. "You won't need surgery; we can probably get away with keeping your arm in a sling for a few weeks. You'll need physical therapy, though.

"The not-so-great news is that you also have some fractured ribs. They take longer to heal, and they'll probably annoy you more than the shoulder. We'll have to wrap you up - that's the only way to get them healing."

Carlisle leaned over the bed and kissed her forehead. "How are you feeling? Is the pain better?"

"As good as it could be with all the painkillers you're giving me. That's quite a stash up in there," Bella responded, gesturing to the IV fluid bag hanging on the rack at her bedside.

He smiled. "We aim to please." His expression grew serious. "Bella, Dr. Starkweather and I will have to set your shoulder. It's not a bad break, fortunately, but it's still not going to be pleasant."

"Let's do it." Bella looked at me. "Will you stay?"

I sat back down and held her hand. "Of course. I'll be right here."

In minutes, the other doctor arrived, and he and Carlisle set to work. Bella turned her face to me and winced, and I stroked her head and talked softly about Faith, explaining that I'd already asked Esme to check on the cat. I knew what was coming, and I wanted to make it as easy for her as I could. She did her best to focus on my words, but as soon as the doctors tugged on her arm, Bella let out a wail of agony. I felt it in my own bones. Her pain was heavy on my heart, the nonbeating organ that was still the center of my feelings. I had put her through this as surely as if I'd led James to her.  
Once her shoulder was set, I helped Carlisle adjust her so he could wrap her ribs. She bit her lip but the tears kept rolling down her face. Her look of utter misery reflected every bit of what I felt.  
"We're almost done with the torture, Bella," Carlisle said softly, patting her head.  
He had her admitted, and helped me get her up to the surgical floor where the room was located. "How long will I be here?" she asked Carlisle grumpily.  
"No more than a couple of days, I hope. I want to make sure your ribs don't give you any more problems, and maybe start you on physical therapy," he explained.  
Between the pain, the stress and the medication, Bella was very sleepy. I could see her eyelids falling to half mast, and I held her hand again as Carlisle reviewed his orders with the nurse.  
"You'll stay here, right?" she asked me again. "You won't leave?"

"Yes, sweetheart, I'll be here. I'm not going anywhere."  
She hummed and shifted slightly, then opened her eyes wider. "We're not done, you know."  
"Yes, ma'am," I said softly.  
"I mean it. I'm not...um, I'm not letting it go." Her eyes drooped again. "Promise me we'll talk more about it when I'm not high as a kite."

I smiled. My sweet, funny, brave, irreverent, loving woman. "I promise."  
"Okay?"  
"Okay."  
"...k."  
She was asleep. I moved one of my hands and placed it over her heart to feel its beating. It was as strong as ever despite her discomfort and the medicine that flowed through her veins. Strong, exactly as the rest of her was. It was just as well that my heart no longer beat. It couldn't rival hers.  
I didn't know how I would exist without her, although I knew she would move on if I wasn't in her life. And this was my primary argument against her protests that I couldn't make the decision for her: I know this immortality; I know what it means...I cannot consign her to it, as much as I want her.

**It's true that Edward and Bella's makeout session in this chapter did not appear in Bella, Chapter 12. Edward stepped up and insisted that it be included in his chapter, to emphasize how much he loves Bella and how strongly he felt that she should stay out of the bike ride. He wanted it written only from his POV because he felt that would make it stand out more. I couldn't bear to argue with him. Was he right?**

**Thank you all for reading despite my lengthy absence. I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please review if you're so inclined.**

**I'm considering writing a short sequel to this story. What do you think?**


	25. Bella, Chapter 13

**Previous chapters: James managed to kidnap Bella and take her to a deserted maintenance garage, trying to lure Edward into a fight. The wolves and the Cullens found them and destroyed James, but not before Bella was injured. Wracked with guilt, Edward faces the inevitable fragility of his future with Bella. And Bella, knowing well how Edward's mind works, makes some decisions of her own. **

**In this chapter, Bella has an unexpected visit from one of Edward's siblings that yields an important conversation. She also forces Edward into a dialogue about her own mortality and his reluctance to change her.**

**Many thanks again to Camilla for reading and always helping me improve, and for Mapguy for being my guy.**

**Bella, Chapter 13**

Edward was attentive, loving and fully loaded with medical know-how. He and Carlisle brought me home from the hospital and helped me get settled into my bed. Carlisle had arranged for a week off from my job so I could recuperate. Edward wanted to stay home with me all the time, but considering the pharmacy was already down one pharmacist, I convinced him to put in some shifts whenever Larry needed him. I specifically asked if one of the other women from his family could help when he was at work. I knew Esme and Alice would be happy to feel so needed and useful.

Imagine my surprise when Rosalie showed up the next morning.

She arrived with Edward; he dropped her off on his way to work when he was filling in on the day shift. She entered my bedroom like a blonde goddess. Even in casual dress with practically no makeup, she looked effortlessly beautiful. I reminded myself that she was Edward's family and I had to be nice. Still, knowing how she felt about me, I was leery and prepared to defend myself.

Edward looked at me significantly while Rose went back to the kitchen to make coffee. "Will you be okay today?" he asked somewhat solemnly. I knew he wasn't just talking about my injuries. I had to stifle a giggle.

"Yes, I really think I will," I replied, grasping his hand.

He leaned over and kissed me sweetly. "I'll miss you, but I'll be over right after work. Call me if...well, call me if you need to," he said.

He left and Faith climbed over the quilt to lie near my left hip. She'd been especially careful around me, as if she knew I was injured. Everyone was cautious, walking and even talking as if perched on eggshells. They all asked if I hurt, was I sore, did I need anything, could they get me something. I gave the right responses to the right people about my pain, my discomfort, my hunger or thirst, my exercises that were like homework for my physical therapy. I had conversations about everything but the one subject I needed to talk about the most: the future. Specifically, the future of me and Edward.

The ache in my shoulder had nothing on the ache in my heart.

This is what hurt like hell. I could take the pain in my bones as they healed after the break. I understood the loss of freedom and mobility that came with my injuries, and I didn't complain about it. (Not out loud, anyway.) I bore the humiliation of having people do nearly everything for me with as much grace as I could muster. But I turned my head away when people said I was courageous in handling my injuries.

I wasn't brave at all when it came to bringing up the conversation I needed to have with Edward. I had little enough experience in successful communication with men. How was I going to argue with my vampire boyfriend to change me so I would be like him? This wasn't like convincing your man to see the movie you want instead of some action flick. The consequences were pretty different.  
And I knew Edward's feelings on this: he was dead set against it. He was stubborn, and so was I.

So, here we were - at least, right now, here were Rosalie and I. She brought in a mug of coffee prepared exactly as I love it. Faith took one look at her and bolted past Rose's ankles. The cat might have grown used to Edward, but a second vampire in the apartment was more than she could tolerate.

"Rose, this is so good," I said carefully. I didn't want her to suspect the depth of my surprise.

"Edward told me how you like it," she said, not unkindly.

I smiled. "Did he write out directions and do a trial run with you so he was sure you got it?"

Rose laughed, a delicious, feminine peal. "Sounds like you know him pretty well."

"Yeah, I think I do." It came out more pensively than I intended.

She eyed me steadily. "You really love him."

"I don't need to think about that - I know I do. Very much." I sighed involuntarily.

Rose turned away. She stared casually in the direction where the cat took off, but I knew well enough that vampires never did anything incidentally. Everything was always very intentional.  
This was the person who scared me the most out of all the Cullens, though it had nothing to do with her immortal status. Yet I was suddenly determined to lay it all out with her. How much more could I lose?

"Rosalie, I know you don't approve," I said. "I know you'd prefer it if Edward and I weren't together. I'm sorry if it makes you uncomfortable. I'd just like to know why."

She turned to face me while keeping the rest of her body immobile, that eerie stillness I wasn't sure I'd ever be used to. "It's not a question of what makes me uncomfortable. There are reasons why I've been so cold, Bella." She paused another few seconds. "Has Edward told you about how dangerous all this is?"

I assumed she meant Edward's bloodlust. "Well, he told me about how my blood is especially...appealing to him."

Rose shook her head. "No, I mean how dangerous it is just for a vampire to associate with a human who knows all about us."

I looked at her, puzzled. "I don't understand."

She glanced out the window and exhaled precisely. "He'll be furious if he knows I'm telling you this," she said carefully.

I shrugged the shoulder that wasn't in a sling. "Well, I won't tell him. He will see it in your thoughts, though, sooner or later."

"Exactly." She looked at me intently, as if weighing her options. "What the hell. He hates me enough as it is."

"As long as you've mentioned that..." My voice trailed off. "Why do you think he hates you?"

"I've lived with him for quite awhile, Bella. I know how he feels about me."

I frowned. "I think you're overstating it. I really don't believe that's true."

"We got off to a bad start, and we've really never been able to change it or make it much better."

"What do you mean by 'bad start'?"

She smoothed out the bottom of her blouse. If I didn't feel certain that Rose was the most confident being on the planet, I'd think she was nervous.

"You know he lived with Carlisle first, right?" she said. "You know the story of how Carlisle first met him?"

"Yes."

"Before I, uh, arrived, Esme had also been living with them for awhile. I think Carlisle became very concerned about Edward being lonely, being alone. He wanted a companion for him..." Her voice trailed off a little before regaining its strength. "Carlisle found me and brought me back to their home."

"What do you mean?" I knew Carlisle wouldn't have changed her if she was a healthy human. Something must have happened to her.

"I was 18, and more or less a social butterfly. I was engaged to the most popular guy in town. I thought my life was perfect," she said, bitterness taking over her tone. "Turns out, he was nothing like what I thought.

"I met up with him at a friend's house. There were about four men there - all friends of Royce, my fiance. They were drunk. Royce grabbed me and started saying things," she said, looking down.

I guessed where this was headed. "Rose, if this is too painful for you, you don't have to repeat it."

She waved a hand dismissively. "No, it's okay. I mean," she amended, "it's hard for me to think about, and it's a human memory that has stayed with me almost in its entirety. Why this is the one that's clearest, I don't know. I guess because it's so traumatic. That's Carlisle's theory, anyway, and he would know better than anyone." She looked at the empty coffee mug. "Can I get you something to eat now? Edward will really be angry if I don't feed you."

"No, Rose, I can eat later. Please continue. I mean," and I looked at her sympathetically, "unless you don't want to."

"It doesn't bother me - to talk about it, I mean." She shrugged and tossed her hair over her shoulder. On anyone else, that move would look conceited or calculated, but on Rosalie, it just looked normal.

"He raped me, and then turned me over to his friends. I was - it was horrible. There were four of them all drunk, all rough. I don't know how long it lasted." She sighed and looked at her hands. "I was so stunned, I just laid there on the parlor floor until I could stand. And then I tried to leave, but the guys were still in the house. Royce found me and grabbed me. I struggled and was able to get as far as his front lawn, but he caught me. He beat me to within an inch of my life."

The silence filled the room. I'd never guessed that this woman, who was blessed with otherworldly perfection, carried such pain and sorrow. She'd been on this earth almost a century, and for nearly every moment had lived with what was done to her.

I moved forward, trying to grasp her hand, but my ribs wouldn't let me go any further. In a swift move, she came to my side and said, "Now, don't do that, Bella. Edward will absolutely _shred _me if your injuries-"

I grabbed her hand. "No, I'm okay. God, Rosalie, I'm so sorry. I had no idea."

A wince marred her lovely features for just a second, and I realized too late that the last thing she wanted was pity. I wanted to find a way to tell her that I'd misjudged her and made a lot of assumptions I now knew were wrong, and that's really what I regretted, but I wondered if she'd believe me. I changed the subject.

"Emmett adores you - it's so plain to see. You're fortunate to have each other," I said.

Her face cleared slightly. "I am lucky. It's no secret I hate this life, but I don't know what I'd do without him. He's really the best man for me, the best thing that ever happened to me, without question."

I really wanted to tell her that I wasn't in on the secret of why she hated her life, but I thought it would be wise to take a different tact. "How did you..." I stopped, confused. What was the right way to ask how a vampire couple got together? Did their eyes meet above some poor feckless human as they were draining him? "You and Emmett have been together a long time," I finally said, hoping she'd get my drift.

She smiled. "Yes. I found him after he'd been mauled by a bear." Oh.

"He was almost dead, and I couldn't stand leaving him. I brought him home to Carlisle. That was more than 50 years ago."

"Emmett's a good man," I said, nodding my head.

"Yes. And so is Edward." Rosalie looked me directly in the eye as I blinked in surprise. I wasn't shocked that she felt that way, just astonished that she'd say it to me. She and Edward seemed to have little fondness for each other.

"He loves you, Bella," she said quietly. "And I'm glad that he's found that happiness, really I am. But I'm very concerned about where this is going."

I nodded. That made sense. "I know, Rose. Believe me, I haven't said a word to anyone. I would never do that," I said fervently.

"It's not that simple. There are others of our kind who would be very unhappy that Edward was with a human who knows all about us. We have rules, and this is definitely against them."

I frowned. "Rules? As in, laws? A government?"

"Something like that, yes." She got a little evasive, and I wondered if she could get in trouble for telling me all this. Edward would surely be furious. Maybe that alone was stopping her.

"Rose, I'd never want to hurt you, or Edward, or anyone in your family. I'd never want to do anything that could cause trouble." I held her hand tightly.

She nodded slowly, but there was warmth in her eyes now. "I know that, Bella. I know you'd never _intend_ to do anything. I'm just afraid of someone finding out. You don't..." and she hesitated, then looked out the window. "We never know who's watching. I hate to be so cryptic, but it's probably best not to tell you anything more. And Edward will be angry enough that I've told you this much."

"He doesn't have to know everything you say."

Rosalie shook her head. "I can't make you bear that responsibility. The two of you should discuss it, but I'll let him fill you in on the details. He _should_ be telling you anyway," she added fiercely.

"Besides, like I said, Edward hates me already. This won't make much difference."

I shook my head. "No, Rose, I don't believe that." I thought for a moment, then decided that as long as we were being honest, I'd go for broke. "I think he knows you disapprove of me, and that upsets him."

"It isn't you, Bella, You know that. It's just - you being human isn't safe. For us, or for you."

"You're right about that." I hesitated a moment. Here comes a bomb, Rose. "In fact, I think he should change me. I think I should become one of you. A vampire. I think it's the only way." I held still and waited for her reaction.

She pressed her lips together and met my gaze. "I kind of figured you'd feel that way, but I don't think Edward will agree to it, Bella. He wouldn't want to take your humanity because that's wrong. And I couldn't support it, either."

"Then what?" I asked. "I grow old while he stays at age 24? He endures the pain of being around me while my blood makes him so uncomfortable? We worry constantly about this law you've mentioned? What kind of life is that?"

Her eyes narrowed. " 'What kind of life is that?' What kind of life is _this!_ Do you have any idea what you're asking for?"

"Yes," I said firmly. "An eternity with Edward. That's all I want."

As she looked at me, something like compassion gradually softened her features. "I know you love him. All of us can see the changes you've brought about in him. He's happier, and so much more at peace. And a happy Edward means a hell of a lot less tension in our home." She rolled her eyes before staring at me intently. "But you can't stay with him as a human, and it's not right for him to change you. You have everything ahead of you, and you shouldn't throw your life away," she said fiercely.

"It's my choice, Rose," I said quietly.

She sighed and shook her head. "Tell Edward you need to talk. Although I'm sure he won't change his mind, he should hear you out. He owes you that, at least." She stood up, signaling that this conversation was over. "If you don't want anything to eat now, why don't you get some rest? I'm afraid I've made you stressed, talking about this with you." She reached out and smoothed my hair with her hand.

I smiled at her. I had no idea what trouble I'd cause by dragging her into this business between Edward and I. Come to think of it, I had no idea why she was even here.

"Rosalie, can I ask why you came to stay with me today? I mean, I appreciate your willingness to help, so please forgive me. But I'm surprised you would even volunteer to keep me company, considering your concerns."

She shrugged her shoulders and grinned. "Everybody thinks I'm the queen bitch. I wanted to show I'm more than that."

I thought more about what she'd said when she went to the kitchen to heat up my lunch. Based on the little she'd told me, I was causing trouble for all the Cullens, just for loving their son. I'm not above plotting how to use that to further my argument with Edward. I couldn't believe he'd want to endanger his family. Making me one of them would eliminate that problem. We could all live together with no worries about laws of the supernatural or marauding vampires or any such ridiculousness. There was only the fact that I'd be separated from my family for the rest of all time - until they died. And I'd be living forever. I tried to get my head around that. How could anyone live forever? I had a hard enough time grasping the concept taught in catechism class that God had existed forever. What did that mean? How could that be?

I knew that out of all the Cullens (which is to say, all the vampires I knew personally), Rose hated her existence the most. That made her the best person to talk to if I wanted some of the darker details.

"Rose, what is the change like? Edward won't even respond to that question when I ask him." I watched her carefully as she set the tray down in front of me with a full meal cooked by Esme: roasted chicken, mixed vegetables and garlic mashed potatoes. (Garlic is yet another one of those false myths.)

Her eyes widened in alarm and she sat down, still uncomfortable. "You really need to ask Edward about that. I just don't think it's appropriate for me to say anything."

I frowned. "What's so mysterious about it?"

"Bella, none of this is to be taken lightly. It's..." She hesitated. "The pain is excruciating. I'll just say that."

"But none of you wanted it. Would it be different for someone like me, who does?" I persisted.

She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I don't think that's possible. Please," she said slowly. "Ask Edward."

I really didn't want to make her more uncomfortable, so I took another tack. "Can I ask you something else?"

"What?" She eyed me warily.

"What's it like to live forever?" I could feel my face screw up in confusion. "I mean, I just can't understand that. How do you live knowing every day is just another one? And it's seamless, because you don't sleep? How do you keep from going insane?"

To my relief, she smiled. "Excellent questions. I'm glad you're thinking about that. I just don't know if Edward..."

"Please." I cut her off. "I want to know how you handle it. I'm asking less for my own future and more because I simply want to understand. The concept is inconceivable to me."

"It's hard to understand until you're there. Once the newborn stage passes-" and she cut herself off once she saw the wary look on my face. I suppose she decided not to bring it up. "You find a way to make it work. All of us do, in our own way. We have our own interests, our own work, and whatever else we enjoy." As an afterthought, she added softly, "And we have each other. When one of us finds it too much to bear, the others are around to help. Every one of us has his or her days. We help each other through them."

"You really are a family," I observed.

She nodded. "I know it's kind of bizarre to think about - hell, this all must be bizarre for you. But we're so much better off together than alone. It's the nomad vampires who have it worst. They sometimes pair off, and if they're lucky they find a mate. But that has to be the worst existence. You're alone, you have to kill people to subsist, and there's no end to it."

"Like the ones we saw in New Jersey."

"Exactly. They were a coven, true, but they wandered. Nomads have no roots and no one, really. We're lucky we had Carlisle. Without him, we'd all be like that."  
I resisted pointing out that if not for Carlisle, they wouldn't even exist. I'd grown fond of Carlisle, though I was curious about why he would create more vampires when he was so horrified at his own transformation. Perhaps it was simply loneliness. I could understand that, even if it did seem an unforgivably selfish reason. At any rate, Rosalie seemed to close down the entire subject. We spent the rest of the day watching movies and talking about books. She also had a fondness for Dickens.

Esme came to pick her up at the same time Edward arrived after work. I heard them walking lightly up the stairs and was shocked to see Esme carrying an enormous picnic hamper. "Hello Bella! Carlisle and I made you some dinner."

"Really, this is too much. Esme, I appreciate all you've done, and please thank Carlisle for me too, but I don't know how I can ever eat all this," I said, laughing in embarrassment.  
She stroked my cheek. "So you'll have leftovers. I know you won't be able to really cook as you like for a little while yet." Leaning over, she kissed my forehead. "I'll leave you in Edward's good hands now."

Once they left, Edward swiftly knelt on the bed, with one arm on each side of me. I raised my face to meet his lips with my own.

"I missed you," I said simply.

"And I missed you. I really don't like working days without you."

"How is Janice?" I hated being injured but didn't at all miss my moody coworker.

Edward snorted. "I got the full Janice effect today. She grabbed all the assignments out of the basket at the drop-off window, then got mad at me because she had to do all the work."

I kissed him again. "I'm so sorry, love. That's the ultimate sacrifice - working with Janice so I don't have to."

I knew it would be best not to put off the necessary conversation. I wanted to start talking about this while my chat with Rosalie was still fresh in my mind. Edward and I were in the living room; he'd carried me to the sofa so we could watch a movie. He wouldn't let me walk despite repeated reminders that my injury was mostly in my shoulder. I didn't mind all that much; it was so lovely to be in his arms for any reason. Sorrow flooded my heart when I thought our differences could limit those times.

"You haven't really asked me about my day with Rosalie," I pointed out.

"You were both on speaking teams when she left with Esme, so I assume it wasn't a disaster," he responded, his eyes on the TV screen but a smile playing around his lips.

"Actually, she was good company. I'm glad I got to know her a little."

He looked at me and smiled warmly, grabbing my hands. "That's really great, Bella. I'm so happy. I'm well aware that Rosalie can be difficult. I was surprised but pleased she offered to stay with you."

"Me too, but it's nice that she did. I want to tell you what we talked about."

"Okay." He seemed unaware of what I was about to bring up.

"Promise you won't be angry?"

Now he caught on. "Oh, jeez. Do _not_ start a discussion like that when you're talking to me. Please. It means it's never good," he said grimly.

"Okay, I'll retract that question because I can see it's already moot. But you should know that I asked Rosalie why she didn't like me, and she explained that our relationship is dangerous for you and your family."

His features hardened as he stared at the screen. "Rose needs to keep her opinions to herself."

"Is it true?"

"Bella, I'll keep you safe. I promise you." He quickly scooped me up and gently drew me to his lap. "I failed miserably last time, but I swear it will never happen again. I learned a very bitter lesson."

"I'm not talking about my safety, I'm talking about yours. And your family's. She mentioned something about a - I don't know, like a ruling class of vampires? A government of sorts?" I searched his face for a reaction, but he just sighed and looked down, playing with my fingers.

"Tell me the truth," I said firmly.

"Yes, there is a group that makes sure rules are obeyed, and keeps order in the vampire world," he finally said. "They're known as the Volturi, and they are based in Italy. Normally, they don't leave the town where they live. But they have enforcers - employees, I guess you'd call them - all over the world. If they get wind of a problem, they get on it immediately. The overall principle is not to allow any exposure. We are supposed to keep the secret at all costs." He looked at me. "I knew this when I first really started to talk to you, of course."

"Stop blaming yourself," I said automatically, my mind elsewhere. I was already moving ahead. What he'd told me frightened me, but I quickly realized it also gave me a new opening.

"I didn't dare hope we'd be this close, even though I wanted it. I wanted you. It's not just about your blood, and it hasn't been for a long time. The Volturi would understand if it was," he said in disgust. "The draw of your blood is almost nothing to me now."

"It led you to me," I pointed out. "And you got past it."

He wrapped his arms tightly around me. "I would never hurt you."

I pulled back to look him directly in the eye. "You mean that."

"Of course I do."

"You wouldn't hurt me physically," I affirmed. "Would you hurt me emotionally?"

Edward looked puzzled. "Never, Bella. How could you think that?"

I twisted my fingers and kept my head down. "I'm still scared that you're going to leave me. I'm more frightened of that than anything else."

He sighed again but didn't say anything. When I looked up at him, he was staring off toward the kitchen.

"We have to talk about this. I'm growing older, and you're not," I added.

"So?"

"_So_ you think we're not going to attract attention when I'm 40 or 50 years old? And what makes you think this Volturi will even let things go that long!"

"They won't find out," he said, but I detected an ounce of doubt in his voice, and I jumped on it.

"What if they do? Victoria is still out there. What if she's crazy with revenge and decides to go to these high priests of vampires?"

"Then we leave. I'll keep you safe," he insisted.

"That's not a plan, Edward."

"It's better than any of the other alternatives."

"No, it isn't!" I practically shouted. I turned so I was fully facing him. "You could get hurt! I could get hurt again! You know there's really only one thing we can do." I held his face between my hands. "You have to change me."

"No." His face hardened and he jerked his head out of my hands. His voice was like granite.

I shook my head. "It's the only way for us to be together, Edward. You know this."

He sat silent and stony, like the statue he resembled so often. "Don't tell me you'll leave me," I cried. My shoulder hurt from moving, and the physical pain added to the emotional stress I felt right now. I knew this was coming - knew there was a possibility he would go back on his word. His lack of response was like a confirmation, the sharpness of it slicing through me worse than words ever could.

The tears flowed down my cheeks, and his chilled fingers gently wiped them away. Edward's face showed so many emotions - sadness, pity, anger, worry - that I wondered if it was almost too much for him, too. A vampire's body was so hard, so unyielding. His heart had ceased to function, so how could it carry the agony he was feeling? I wasn't impervious to the sorrow he felt over the intractable problems we faced. I was angry with myself because in spite of how well I'd come to know Edward, I couldn't think of how to make this better for him. I wanted him to agree, but I also wanted him to be at ease with my choice. _My choice._ He had his guilt, but I had my life, and it was mine to do with as I wished.

"I don't want you to hurt," I whispered. "I love you. There isn't any way I can consider existing without you, no matter how short my human life would be. You can't leave me, and you can't expect us to live like this. It's the _only way_."

"I will not take your soul," he said angrily.

That's it? That's what it was? "We could have someone from your family change me," I said, confused over his comment.

He looked at me as if he couldn't believe what he was hearing. "It doesn't matter who would do it or how it would happen. I won't _let_ it happen. I won't condemn you to this," he said, hoarse with emotion.

"It's not a condemnation. It's a...renewal. A revitalization," I said, groping for the right word.

"It's a damnable existence, Bella."

"That was how you described it before we met. Is it that way now?"

"No, Bella, you can't look at it like that," he said. He was running his fingers through his hair repeatedly.

"I was about to say the same thing to you. If I mean so much to you, if I've helped you out of that bleakness you describe, you cannot leave me in a human life that amounts to the same thing. Changing me _would_ be a renewal - it enables us to be together as immortals. We would be equals," I declared fiercely.

"You make it sound so easy," he said, something beyond frustration in his voice and eyes. "You talk as if I could do it with no real thought or concern. For nearly 100 years I've worked to contain myself. I wouldn't let the demon out. And for the most part, I've been successful. And now you come along..." He looked at me ruefully. "I wanted your blood, and then I wanted all of you. And I shouldn't have either. You're the person I love most, and it would hurt you the deepest if I did what you're asking me to."

"It would hurt me deepest if you didn't," I said softly. I refused to look away from him.

"You're a spiritual person. You believe in God. What about your soul? What do you think will happen to it if you become immortal?"

"I have no idea," I said honestly. "I don't know the answer to that with any more certainty than I do the question of whether Jesus really was the Son of God, or whether God exists at all. I only know I'm asking this out of love and not hubris. I don't want to live forever. I want you, and I have to live forever to do it. I'm hoping God understands I'm in this for love and not for some crazy power trip of immortality."

For the first time in hours, Edward genuinely laughed. "That's how you're rationalizing it? You think you can explain it like that and God would just be fine with it?"

I shrugged my shoulders. "I have no answer to that, either. I can't presume to know what the Deity has in mind. Like all other mortals, I'll just state my case and hope it's acceptable."

His eyes softened, and then grew sad again. "Take it from this voice of experience: you wouldn't want to spend an eternity worrying that it's not." He shifted me gently so my arm was more comfortable while I was on his lap. "This is upsetting you, and you need to rest so you can heal. I don't want to continue this conversation."

"We have to keep talking about this," I protested.

"No. You need to rest," he said.

"Stop shutting me down. That's not going to do wonders for my stress levels," I snapped.

He shut his eyes tightly. "Bella, _please._"

It was getting to the point where pushing him would be counterproductive. "Okay, fine. At least promise me we'll talk about this again."

"For what?" he said in annoyance.

"Because you know I'm right. You just can't deal with that now." He was about to explode when I put my hand over his mouth. "Okay, okay. Just promise me we'll talk about this again."

He moved my hand. "Bella - "

_"Promise."_

Here comes the patented Edward Cullen eyeroll. "All right. I promise."

"And there's something else I want."

"Such as?"

"Please take me to church this Sunday." Driving was still out of the question, so Edward or someone from his family had to transport me everywhere.

"Really?" He smiled and his eyes searched my face. "Would this have anything to do with our previous conversation tonight?"

"Yeah. I have to start praying about this now. I mean, I have been, but I think I should show some respect and do it on God's turf."

Edward was off the weekend because he'd worked in my stead all week, so on Sunday morning, he dutifully roused me. Or at least, he tried. Being on sick leave permitted me to sleep in, and I was rapidly growing used to it, so to say I at first resisted his attempts would be an understatement. After making grumpy noises at him for the third or fourth time, I dozed off and then felt a slight dip in the bed next to me. My tee shirt was being gently moved up my back to my neck. As I gradually became aware of what was happening, I smiled lazily and shuffled back across the mattress - toward him, I hoped. Suddenly, it was as if a three-foot block of ice was shoved against my skin.

He'd taken off his shirt and slid right next to me so that the front of his torso was flush with my back. The best, most effective alarm clock is naked vampire skin in all its chilly glory. I leaped out of bed with a yell and smacked him. All that did was hurt my hand, of course - my previously uninjured hand. He adeptly sat up on his knees, laughing the whole time.

"Smartass vampire," I grumbled.

With a gentle tug, Edward pulled me toward him as he stood up. "Come on, I'll make you breakfast."

It was only a ten-minute drive to the church, so I had time to shower after eating. Edward sat at the table and read the Seattle paper while I got ready, and as I walked back out to the kitchen I noticed him leaning down at his right side. A few more steps revealed that Faith was sitting on the floor, allowing Edward to scratch around her ears. The sight brought me up short and filled my eyes with tears. She'd grown so used to him, she now trusted him to touch her. And this preternaturally strong immortal, whose favorite meal was a not-too-distant feline cousin of Faith's, was gently petting her without hurting her. He looked up at me while I stood there, gawking at the two of them.

"What?"

"Nothing. I love you."

"That's not 'nothing' to me." He rose and stepped over to me, then cupped my face with his hands. "What is it, love?"

"Seeing you with Faith is so sweet," I said, sniffling a little. "I didn't know she lets you touch her."

"She knows me now. I'm here often enough where she's grown used to me and she knows I'm not a threat."

My eyes widened. "Can you read her thoughts too?"

Edward laughed. "No, my talent doesn't extend to animals. But I can sense fear in them - I can smell it, actually - and I know hers has decreased gradually as I've been here so much." He turned me toward the door and said, "Come on, you're going to miss the opening hymn."

Along the drive, I spotted a few wrens darting out of the trees, their wings angled just so as they dodged the Volvo. They were plain but very pretty, and I reflected on how Faith strained to release her own inner predator when she watched birds from the apartment window. They would surely be terrified of her, just as she was originally terrified of Edward. The circle of life and all that.

And then a realization struck me: what would happen to Faith if I became a vampire? Could I bring her with me? Even if the Cullens didn't hurt her, how would she live with them? Would she be so frightened she'd literally never move?

It seemed typical of me that I'd worry more about leaving my cat than my family. The only one I could talk to about it was Edward, and I knew this was not the time. If I brought it up, he'd think I was taking it for granted that my change would occur. It was too early for that. I'd have to hold in my worry and maybe talk to him later, depending on whether he mellowed out about the whole subject.

"Bella?" Edward's musical voice broke into my plotting.

"Hmm? Oh, we're here."

"Yes. I guess I'll see you when the service is over." He looked up and out the windshield. "It's cloudy, so maybe I'll go for a walk and meet you at the car."

"Why don't you come in with me?"

He gave me an incredulous look. "Are you kidding?"

"No. Why not?"

"I don't think that's the place for me," he said, chuckling.

"Why wouldn't it be?"

"I'm a demon. I'm immortal. I've killed people. And of course there are my other flaws, like vanity and arrogance."

"Actually, all that makes it the perfect place for you."

He shook his head. "Not a good idea."

"Will the ceiling fall in if you step through the doors? Will the whole building catch fire? Will the priest have a seizure in front of the entire congregation?"

"Of course not."

"Then come." I opened the door and stepped out carefully, walking toward the driver's side door. Edward watched me from inside while I waited expectantly for him. He sighed, pulled the key out of the ignition and slammed the door.

"Okay. Let's go." He was trying to suppress a smile.

As we walked through the parking lot to the entrance, with other parishioners greeting each other along the way, Edward whispered in my ear, "I know what you're trying to do."

"And what's that?" I whispered back.

"Trying to get me to believe that my less-than-soulful existence is not an impediment to heaven."

I looked at him innocently. "Why, Edward. I merely thought it best that you stay with me in case I need you. What if I fall and hurt my injured shoulder? You know how clumsy I am."

He snorted. "Sure. Because you're always so willing to be dependent on me."

The church organ blared as we ascended the steps to the vestibule. The priest and acolytes were in formation, waiting for their walk to the altar. I leaned over and said to Edward, "Now, if you have any questions, don't hesitate to ask. It's customary to be very quiet in church, and as difficult as that will be for you, it's better if you stay silent."

"Sssshhhh," he replied. "You're annoying the priest."

"She can't even hear me!" I scoffed. "Don't try to tell me she does."

"Stop drawing attention to us," he said as we slid into a pew toward the back. "And just so we're clear, I am NOT going to communion. I'm not about to push my luck."

The minister was the same woman who presided at the service I attended long ago, when I first learned that Edward is a vampire. Back then, I hung on to every word of the service. Each reading seemed to speak directly to me, with its messages of love, forgiveness, and redemption. Today, I couldn't tell you what most of the service was about. I was furiously conducting my internal one-sided conversation with God_._

_"Dear Lord_," I began_, "please forgive my brazen nature right now. I'm about to ask You for something. I need to become immortal. I'm not asking You to do that, I'm asking You to understand why I want it. I'm in love with this man_," and out of the corner of my eye I glanced at Edward, as if God needed confirmation of who I was talking about_, "and the only way we can be together is if I become like him. He's good, Lord, I know You see that. And honestly, I couldn't care less about the whole living forever thing. I just want to be with him, and this is the only way we can do it. Please don't ask me to leave him. I know that's a really awful thing to say to You, but I'm asking for Your empathy. I swear to you that I'll keep every commandment of Yours...well, the really important ones, but maybe not the one about lying, because no one can know that I'm a vampire...but no matter how many thousands of years I live, I'll always ask for Your guidance. I promise to be good, and to do everything I can to find a way to help people. I'll still come to church - probably more often than I do now. I'll bet I can get Carlisle to come, and if Carlisle comes to church, then Esme will probably come too,_

_Please forgive me; I hate bargaining like this. I don't know if anyone else has ever asked for this from You. I hate even bringing it up; I honestly feel like a sleaze for asking. But You know, Edward is my life. I wouldn't care about anything if he wasn't with me. I'd rather take this chance of making You angry and becoming immortal than cease living at all because he isn't here with me. Can You understand?"_

My praying rambled on in that vein. Edward nudged me at one point and gestured to the usher who stood at the end of the pew to guide worshippers to communion. I hesitated. What did communion mean to me? Was it a show of faith? I'd always thought it kept God within me for the rest of the week so I could have an easier time behaving myself. I wasn't being a very good Christian right now, asking God to give me one of the biggest passes in the history of His creation.

Maybe I shouldn't have taken communion...but I did. I hoped it would bring me closer to God. Selfish, I know.

I was silent on the ride home, thinking more about how I'd prayed and wondering if there was any way I could do it better. Edward's voice cut through my contemplation.

"Did you know those readings ahead of time?"

"You mean, did I know what passages they would choose for the readings?"

"Exactly, yes."

I laughed. "No, I don't usually keep up with the church calendar that carefully."

He smiled. "I thought for sure you'd brought me to church with you because of the Gospel reading."

I frowned, trying to remember what it was. I'd been so lost in my own thoughts I missed nearly everything of any consequence in the Mass. I probably angered God by doing that, too.

"The reading from Mark?" Edward prodded.

I shook my head. "I don't recall the exact words."

"Weren't you paying attention?" He looked at me curiously.

"I must have been distracted. A childhood habit from my youthful churchgoing years."

He raised his eyebrows and then started to quote from the Gospel reading. " 'The Son of Man is to be betrayed into human hands, and they will kill him, and three days after being killed, he will rise again.' "

I thought for a moment, and then I got it. "Immortality."

"Right."

"You thought I was sending you a message by coordinating this church visit with the Gospel? Honestly, Edward, I'm not that creative."

"Actually, you are," he said, looking at me fondly, "and I wouldn't put it past you to do it."

"I wouldn't compare you to Jesus. I think you're a far better man than you give yourself credit for, but even that's going too far."

"Oh, I know you wouldn't do that, and I'm not that arrogant, either. It was just too ironic, I guess, that part of the service was about immortality and there was an actual immortal in the congregation today."

I laughed. "I wonder how that could have affected their belief if they'd known. Would it reinforce their faith to know that people really could rise from the dead?"

He shook his head. "I'm not about to find out."

Now that my recovery was moving along well, it was also time to get back to other worldly issues, such as the prickly relationship between the vampires and the Quileutes. Jacob and the pack earned my undying gratitude, of course, for what they did. Very likely I wouldn't be alive if it wasn't for them. They arrived at the maintenance yard where James had taken me before the Cullens did, a key fact that Edward was keenly aware of.

During my convalescence, Jacob called about every other day to see how I was doing. I never said it directly, but he quickly became aware that the Cullens were by my side all the time. I think he would have visited me, but he was probably reluctant to see them under social circumstances. We made general, light conversation, never once touching on the more serious issues. This was only partly because Edward was usually there when my cell phone rang with Jacob's call. The grim set of Edward's jaw told me he knew exactly who was on the line, but there wasn't anything he could say about it, and again, he knew it. Anyway, if he even tried to kick up a fuss, I'd let him have it.

Even more than Jacob, the Quileute I wanted to see was Wendell. I hadn't heard from him since the attack. Ellen came to see me a few times, and she always had a message from him which hoped for my speedy recovery so we could resume his lessons. I don't know whether she was any the wiser about the Cullens, but if she was, she never let on. She acted as if she believed the story that I'd hit a deer and crashed the car. She never asked me for the details, though, and I don't know whether that's because she didn't want to upset me or because she knew it was a lie.

After a few weeks, Carlisle cleared me to go back to more of my activities, including tutoring. I still couldn't drive, so I had to set up an elaborate relay system where Edward drove me to the treaty line, where Jacob and Wendell would be waiting. They'd transport me to the rec center, where Jacob waited while I worked with Wendell. We then did the whole process in reverse so Edward could bring me home.

It was June, which meant there was still light in the early evening as Edward and I headed to La Push. The closer we got, the more I could feel my excitement building. I kept skimming through my notes and the textbook to refresh my memory on where Wendell left off with his reading, even though I knew it exactly. I'd prepared for this carefully once I knew I'd be meeting with him tonight.

I could see ahead of us where Jacob's car was pulled off the road on a small clear space next to the shoulder. Edward stopped the Volvo about fifty feet away from them and pulled up the emergency break.

"Bella, be sure to call me if you have any problem. And be careful," he said seriously.

I chuckled. "Edward, nothing's going to happen - nothing but reading, talking and laughing. Please."

"You've seen how violent they can be. Don't ever forget they're animals," he warned.

I raised an eyebrow. "You've got to be kidding me. Pot calling the kettle much, Mr. Vampire?"

"I can control myself. Werewolves, especially young, excitable werewolves, can't," he said.

I kissed his cheek and opened the door. "It'll be fine, Edward." I shook my head at his overprotectiveness.

Before I left to join the two men waiting a short distance away, Edward pulled me into a strong hug. "Please. For my sake? Call me at once if you need to."

I framed his face with my hands. "Stop worrying. I'll see you in just over an hour." We kissed passionately, and I could swear Edward put a little more into it. I'm sure it was for Jacob's benefit.

We pulled away from each other, and to my surprise - and pleasure - Edward put his hand up and waved. I'd seen Jacob's nose crinkle in disgust after Edward and I embraced, though he returned the greeting. Wendell stood impassively, but he nodded his head in acknowledgement of Edward. As I walked closer, his face broke out in a huge grin. He was happy to see me, and immediately I felt the same joy. I was back doing something I loved, with two friends whom I'd come to love. It seemed good, and right, and normal.

**A/N Thank you again for reading, and for reviewing. There's only one chapter to go after this! I can't thank you all enough for taking this ride with me.**

**There will be a sequel – it will be shorter than this, but it *won't* be "New Moon." I've got other plans for Edward and Bella!**


	26. Edward, Chapter 13

**Thank you, everyone, for your patience. My sincere apologies for the lateness of this final chapter. Everyone who's read this has been so wonderful, kind and supportive. I hate even the thought that I've repaid you by taking months to post an update. I'll spare you the usual "real life kicked me in the butt" excuse (even though it's true), but will also say that I had some difficulty getting this chapter to read the way I wanted it to. I worked it over quite a bit. I hope the end results are worth it.**

**To recap, because it's been awhile: Bella survived an attack by the nomad vampire James, though she was injured. Edward is wracked with guilt but sure of his love for Bella. She is pushing him to make her immortal so they can remain together, without fear of discovery by the Volturi. They remain at an impasse over this. As this chapter opens, Edward and Bella are at work together in the Forks Hospital pharmacy. Their coworker, Rick, is about to marry his fiancee, Ellen, of the Quileute tribe. (Also making an appearance in this chapter is Wendell Thatch, Bella's literacy student and another Quileute.)**

**So here is the last chapter of "Love Is Always an Option." The song cited within is Van Morrison's immortal (heh) "Crazy Love."**

Every time Bella entered my frame of vision, I wanted to kiss her again. Of course, I couldn't; either Larry or Rick was usually around, and there was always the chance that someone would stop by the dropoff window. So I did the next best thing: tease her whenever the opportunity presented itself.

Once, when she'd left for the ladies' room, I took the pens and pencils off her desk and replaced them with crayons - all white crayons. There was a lull in the work at one point, after Bella had finished her assignments and no more requests came in. To pass the time, Bella pulled out her latest copy of The New Yorker, which I replaced with Tiger Beat when she later assisted a nurse at the window. Rick caught on and gave me a large box of styrofoam peanuts, which we crammed into the desk drawer she used most often.

Bella never acknowledged that anything was wrong until I returned from visiting Carlisle on my lunch hour. She was working at her desk, and mine was as neat as I'd left it, save for one Post-it in the center. She'd taken a rubber stamp used by Larry when he wanted to circulate research publications of interest and inked it in the middle of the Post-it. The stamp said **F****OR ****Y****OUR ****I****NFORMATION, **and underneath, in Bella's neat print, was written y_ou are annoying me__._  
"Rather mild," I noted. "I expected far worse."

"Oh, it ain't over," she said slowly, without even glancing at me. "Don't _expect_ anything, because you're not going to know when it's coming."

But the rest of the day was very uneventful. When it came time to clock out, I walked with Bella out to my car and I noticed her head was tilted down. She was trying to hide her broad grin.

"What are you smiling about?" I asked suspiciously.

"Nothing," she replied innocently.

She was still a bad liar.

"Something is up," I replied evenly, "and I'll find out what it is."

Bella looked up at me, all innocence and exaggerated wide eyes. "I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about."

We walked down the aisle to my parking space, and I could tell from where we stood that something was off about the car. The exterior looked normal, but something else seemed odd.  
Bella snorted.  
I left her side and walked quickly to the Volvo, and in a matter of seconds I saw strange, round objects crammed into the car. Dozens of them - pink, yellow, blue, red and green.  
The car had been stuffed with balloons.  
I stood still for a moment and then tilted my head back, looking up at the garage roof as if imploring some powers-that-be to help me out of this situation.  
"You know what this really means," I said calmly as Bella finally burst out laughing. "I have to pop every one of these, and that's going to take some time. You're only delaying your ride home."  
"But it was worth it to see the look on your face," she said, gasping. She grabbed me with her good arm and kissed me firmly. "I'll run back to the pharmacy and get some scissors, and we can cut them. In the meantime...uh, I guess you can start biting them or something."

It took about 45 minutes for us to pop every last one. We picked up the rubber shreds that drifted down to the concrete floor, chuckling at the strange looks we got from other employees who were walking to their cars.

"Okay, now how did you manage this?" I said as we pulled out of the garage. The lingering stink of the rubber balloons was pretty bad, although I'm sure it bothered me a lot more than it did Bella.

"I'll tell you only because I have permission to," she said, laughing again. I couldn't help but grin back at her. I had come so close to never seeing that smile again.  
"I'm waiting," I said.  
"Alice came after school. She was available on late notice. As you can see, she got them blown up pretty quickly."  
I nodded. "I might have guessed. So, how hard did you have to twist her arm to get her to agree to this?"  
Bella shrugged as a look of total innocence came over her face. "I really have no idea. You vampires are so strong, I couldn't tell."

I shook my head and put the car in gear. It was probably among the silliest, most childish things I'd ever had to deal with, even counting Emmett's goofball antics. And I treasured every second of it. I never thought anything about my immortal life could be fun. Bella changed that, as she had so many other things in my life. _My life._ I really had a life now. It wasn't just a word in a sarcastic comment that I'd heard over and over again in the thoughts and speech of others - "Get a _life!" _That scornful advice was painful truth to me; I needed a life. I had one now. I had Bella.

And I had only to figure out how to make it last.

In the meantime, we had Rick and Ellen's wedding to deal with. Alice offered to take Bella shopping for a dress after extracting a promise that she wouldn't wear something she already owned. Bella was doing very well with her physical therapy, and I was becoming more confident about her mobility. Alice insisted on driving so I didn't need to join them. I sent them off on a Saturday afternoon with a stern reminder that, now more than ever, Alice had to be respectful of Bella's limitations.  
Bella rolled her eyes and gave me a goodbye kiss. "I'll be back as soon as I can, but that still may not be until early evening," she said.  
It took hours before Alice settled on a dress she was satisfied with. Of course, she insisted that Bella needed shoes.

_Glad my feet r ok or Alice would buy me a hi-heeled cast,_ Bella texted me.

That was true. _Are you almost done?_ I responded.

_Hell, i was done hours ago. Alice probably wants to stay 'til 2morrow._

I dialed Alice's phone.

"Ten more minutes," she said.

"Alice, she's still healing. Get her home."

"I'm about to find the perfect dress for her. Really, it won't take much longer."

"You knew once you planned the trip that you'd find a dress, and you knew where it would be," I pointed out. "You just like to shop, dear sister. Bella's tolerance is a lot lower than yours. You did get her something to eat, didn't you?"

"Of course. You think I'd want you even more pissed off at me?"

"I'm glad we're clear on that point. Please get her home soon. Very soon."

"Will do. Love you, brother."

"Yes, Alice." I sighed and clicked my phone shut. I missed Bella, it was true. It was only a few hours out of her life and mine, but I found myself getting very impatient when I was apart from her for too long. The only time I had any semblance of patience for it was when she was at work, and that was likely because I knew exactly where she was and when she would be home.

I thought about this a great deal. It wasn't as if I wanted to deny her any relationships or activities outside of our life together (although I would never again feel comfortable about her bike riding, unless I could talk her into getting a two-seater for both of us). I simply didn't want to be apart from her. I craved her company, her touch, her mere presence. It was more about being in love with her and less about the quiet I enjoyed being with her. The invasiveness of hundreds of a crowd of minds all at once was almost negligible as long as she was with me.

I didn't know how I could live without her. Actually, the answer to that was simple: I couldn't.

I cared so little for my life that I would gladly end it if Bella wasn't in it. She cared so little for hers that she was willing to end it to be with me. I fought endlessly with myself over how to bridge this difference.

Bella continued to push - often unsubtly - to be changed. I pushed back, pointing out all the things that she would have to give up.

"I would gain you. I would never have to worry about losing you," she'd retort. "Everything else is insignificant."

One of us as solid as granite in her stubbornness; one of us literally as hard as granite, equally stubborn.

From about a mile away, I heard the telltale rev of Alice's Porsche. They'd be here in minutes.

As the car turned in the drive, I opened the front door and waited for them. Alice hopped out with her typical energy, while Bella moved at a fast human pace. Her eyes never left my face, and a broad smile covered her own.

"All done!" Alice sang as she popped the trunk. "It's gorgeous; you'll love it!" As she pulled out the dress, covered in plastic, her thoughts remained firmly on every other item they'd looked at that afternoon. "Bella, you want to keep this from him until you're wearing it, right?"

"What? Wait, this isn't a wedding gown!" Bella said, then blushed at her own words. The scent was delicious: real, warm, comforting to me. "I don't have to keep it a secret, right?

"Nooooo," Alice stage-whispered impatiently, "but it heightens the anticipation. I'll hang it in my room 'til you bring it home. No peeking, bro." She gave me a poke in the side as she passed us.

Bella and I had our arms around each other's waists. She leaned her head in, against my chest.

"How are you feeling?" I stroked her cheek with my fingertips.

"Oh, much better now, thanks," she said, sighing.

"Come in and sit down. Esme has something for you to eat."

"You're always _feeding_ me. Esme's making a full-time job of it," Bella said, laughing.

"Esme loves being your chef. And I don't remember much about eating like a human. We just don't want you to go hungry, sweetheart," I said.

"As if you'd ever give me the chance. But thank you, love, for always taking care of me."

The thrill of hearing her call me "love" never dimmed for me. "I don't feel as if I've always done a great job of that," I said ruefully. "I'm trying to make up for it."

"Knock it off," she said, elbowing me gently. "No guilt trips, okay? Let's just go into the kitchen and see what Esme's got cooked up for me.

Esme sat with Bella and I while she ate. The two of them talked about shopping, how many dresses Bella had to try on, and Esme's latest project in Seattle. Bella always took a genuine interest in Esme's restoration work, just part of the reason why my mother adored her so. We were all supportive of Esme's vocation, of course, but Bella was a fresh and willing set of eyes and ears for the renovation plans that Esme worked on so diligently.

I waited what I hoped was an appropriate amount of time before asking Bella to come upstairs with me. I just wanted some time with her alone, or as alone as we could be in a house full of immortals with supersonic hearing. Truthfully, my family was quite gracious about it, which I appreciated considering how I heard not only their activities but their thoughts. It was unfair to them, and I tried my best to block it. Yet except for that one time where Emmett "congratulated" Bella and I for getting physical, no one said anything after all the nights Bella stayed over. I interpreted this as another sign that they were happy for, or perhaps relieved over, my own happiness.

"Would you like to listen to anything in particular?" I asked as Bella settled into the daybed.

"Mmmm...I've had songs from Sting's '...Nothing like the Sun' running through my head all day. I think I'd like to hear the real thing," she replied.

The tinkling strains of "The Lazarus Heart" began as I darted over to her side. "Are you very tired?" I asked.

"Only a little," she said, but her yawn contradicted her.

"Why don't you just go to sleep?"

"Because it's only about 8 o'clock. If I fall asleep now, I'll wake up around midnight and then have trouble falling asleep again, and it'll screw up my sleep patterns."

We lay together with Bella half on me, her head comfortably placed on my chest. She played with the fingers of my right hand, which lay across my stomach. "What would you like to do?" I asked.

"You."

I turned my head so I could nearly face her. "Very funny."

"I wasn't joking." She lifted her head so her chin was propped on her fist. "You won't deal with the question of my owm immortality, and you don't want to acknowledge the other big difference between us, either. That would be sex, Edward. Are we going to talk about it?"

"Which one?" Neither topic thrilled me. We remained rather far apart on the subject of sex even though our physical relationship had increased in its intensity. I was still far too concerned about hurting her. And the other subject...well, we'd never agree on it.

Bella had the particular look on her face that she gets when she is about to say something, then reconsiders. I could practically hear her thinking, though I couldn't read her thoughts.

The minutes ticked by, and we looked at each other in a peacefully challenging manner. I ran the fingers of my left hand through her hair, smoothing it down her back. She smiled at me lovingly, and without a word sat up and pulled off her shirt.

"I love that you can't know in advance when I'm about to do something like that," she said as she tossed her top toward the corner of my room.

"Bella," I mumbled, only partly annoyed.

"Shut up," she said, putting a finger to my lips. "No, wait - don't shut up, but only if you're going to groan in a sexy way and not like you're complaining." Pulling her hair over one shoulder, she laid down flat on top of me, her head in the crook of my neck.

"Now, you know-"

"Stop." She moved her lips to where her finger had been, and kissed me softly, then more intensely.

I moaned involuntarily. We were both aching to kiss each other deeply, and I wanted nothing more than to explore her mouth with my tongue, but I was too worried about my teeth. If I cut her lip, I'd never be able to control myself.

"Wait. Edward." Her voice was soft but commanding. Gradually, she began sucking and pulling my own lips into her mouth, at first easily, then more insistently.

Venom rose in my throat, but the urges that usually accompanied it were nothing against the impulse to love Bella with all the passion and abandon she deserved.

Time and again, I'd disappointed Bella for her own good. We'd been together quite awhile, considering how dangerous it was for her. We'd forged a romantic relationship in every sense of the word but this. Didn't I owe her the effort? My entire family was in the house; surely nothing bad could happen. Alice would have told me if I would lose control in any way that would threaten Bella.

She was watching me with that familiar look of sorrow and expectation. I held her face in my hands and returned her kisses as passionately as I safely could. I gently cradled her head and continued moving my lips along her jawline, under her ear, and then along her throat.

Without thinking, I dragged my tongue down the line of her throat to the graceful curve of her shoulder, and was rewarded with an elegant moan.

"Don't start something you can't finish," she panted, looking at me through hooded eyes.

I used to think I'd be the death of this woman. Now the reverse was true.

Could I get past my own fear and lack of faith in myself? I had a hundred years of being a vampire to stack against mere months of resistance for the love of Bella.

But I'd learned to harness the violent monster. If I could keep him chained, I could have Bella.

Just as she wanted me.

Then it came to me: _There are things we can do that would satisfy her without any danger_. It didn't have to be all or nothing.

I sat up and pulled off my own shirt, enjoying the quick look of surprise that flashed across Bella's face as I pulled her toward me.

We kissed some more, and I enjoyed the languid sensation of her warm, pliable lips against my own granite mouth. She never complained about the hardness of my skin; she explored my body when I let her with a loving touch that was soothing and never calculating or coldly curious. Now again, she moved her hands slowly up and down my chest, and then along my arms until she reached my own hands, lacing her fingers through mine.

After a few minutes, I gently pulled my fingers loose and drew them up up her back, dragging my fingertips slowly. She shivered and I resisted the urge to ask her if she was cold. I saw a look of anticipation on her face and suddenly I knew with certainty that it was not discomfort, but enjoyment.

Quickly, so she had no time to react, I unhooked her bra.

She looked at me suspiciously. It hurt that this was the only emotion she registered at a moment like this. It burned that I was the cause

"What are you thinking?" she asked.

"That maybe you're right," I replied. "That I love you, and I've already risked a lot to do that, so why not go for more? I want you too, and I probably don't tell you that enough. I'm ridiculous sometimes and I know it. I love you."

"You said that already."

"I know. I _like_ saying it." I kissed her and tugged on her lip, pulling at it with my own. "Bella, I'm still worried about my teeth..." I thought that if I let down my guard somewhat, I could get her to listen to some of my lingering concerns. Manipulative, but necessary.

She nodded. "Okay. We'll work around that."

"I'll have to be careful to use just my lips and tongue." I rolled her easily on her back while I remained on my side.

She let out a heavy exhale. "That sounds good. Lips and tongue _are_ good."

I had mastered the challenge of touching her face and letting my hands and fingers rest on her pulse points. I forced back the temptation of her blood until I could almost compartmentalize it. I still felt it but I viewed it differently. I thought of her blood as something I wanted but couldn't have. It was a part of her that needed to stay with her. It was odd, but rationalizing it like that gave me the strength to resist.

But my physical power was something we still had to reckon with. If I kept my touch light, this could work. I could segregate the bloodlust and focus on not moving fast or hurting Bella.

She reached up and stroked the side of my face, then combed through my hair with her fingers. Her loveliness was astounding to me.

"Beautiful," I whispered.

I leaned over and kissed her. Closing my eyes, I moved my lips along her jaw line to her ear and then along her neck, leaving a trail of gentle, open-mouthed kisses. As a precaution, I held my breath around her pulse points, still feeling the throbbing of her heartbeat through the silvery veins of her neck.

It was easy to ignore it when I focused on what awaited me below.

Bella had lovely breasts. (I may be a century-old vampire, but I am also a man.) They were full and round, with delicate, ashy-rose peaks of a perfect diameter. I rested my forehead in the small space between them, and just breathed in the scent that was uniquely Bella.

She sighed quietly, and I detected a small movement of her muscles that told me she was smiling. _I'll bet I can make that smile better._

I moved over to her left breast and encased it in my hand, holding it like a sacred object. Awed by the trust she put in me, I said, "Bella, you are perfect."

I kissed around the outer part of her breast while keeping my palm on it, then moved my mouth over her nipple. Delicately, slowly, I drew it up between my lips and licked it carefully. My reward was her sharp, intense "Ah!"

I licked slowly, reverently, my own enjoyment evident. I moaned and whispered her name, then returned to kissing, licking, sucking. I moved my left hand up to her right breast and moved my index fingertip around her nipple, tickling and circling.

Her eyes closed, her head moved to the side as she moaned and inhaled deeply. "Edward, you're...oh, my God," she gasped. It was the most erotic thing I'd ever seen. And it was me, giving her this pleasure.

I moved my hand and brought my lips to her left breast, kissing and sucking, loving the feel and texture of her skin. Her hands roamed through my hair, sometimes tugging, then scratching when her moans intensified. My own desire strained at the pleasure of her touch, her skin, her breasts-everything.

I kissed the delicate underside near her ribs as I moved my hand to the edge of her jeans. I knew she was as aroused as I was. I wanted her more than anything, and I wanted to see if I could push myself tonight. This was for Bella. She deserved it.

I unbuttoned her jeans and slowly pulled the zipper down. Her breath hitched.

"Edward?"

I stopped immediately. "I'm sorry. I should have asked-"

"No, no," she hushed me. "I didn't mean to stop you. I'm just - You surprised me."

I balanced my chin on her stomach and looked at her intensely. "I want to feel you, Bella. I want to know you with my hands. Is that okay?"

Her eyes softened, erasing the uncertainty and surprise. "Yes. I wish you would."

With trembling fingers, I slowly edged her pants down past her hips and legs, pushing the material aside. I moved back up so my head was again level with her breasts, but I left my hand on top of her underwear, moving it, stroking her lower abdomen. Uncertainty washed over me for a few seconds. I knew what I wanted but I wasn't sure it would be pleasing to her.

Bella sensed my hesitancy. "It's okay, Edward. I want you to touch me. I want you more than anything, anyone. There is only you." She stroked my hair and looked at me lovingly.

I put my hand over her center and felt her heat - a fire of mystery and desire. Could I do what would make her feel good? Would she be uncomfortable with my cold hands in the most private areas of her body?

The seconds ticked by and Bella took my hand, lifting it toward her face. She grasped my index and middle fingers, her gaze never leaving mine. Then she slipped the fingers she was holding into her mouth.

Oh. _Oh._

Her tongue worked over my fingers, her eyes closed, her voice moaning softly. Bella knew I'd be concerned about my chilly touch, so she found a way to warm this part of my hand. If it wasn't happening to me now, I'd think it was an odd thing to do. But watching her, feeling her mouth around my hand, inhaling the scent of her excitement, hearing her moans - it was sensuous. It was erotic and primal. It was almost overwhelming.

I removed my fingers and placed them again over the top of her underpants. She gazed at me, a small smile playing on her lips.

I thought of just sliding my hand underneath the boyshorts, but I didn't like the constricting elastic on the edges. I wanted to move however she wanted me to move. Gently, I worked them down past her hips and bottom.

My fingers were still wet from her mouth. I slowly brushed along the hair between her legs, taking in its softness. As I moved, I allowed my index and middle finger to slide gently inside her lips. I heard Bella's sharp intake of breath, and her head dropped back on the pillow.

_What would she like next?_ I wanted to surprise her even more, to prolong the pleasure for both of us.

Underutilized instincts took over. I kept the motion steady and was drawn to the warmth, the pleasant wetness, and the smooth feel of her most feminine skin. I could not have imagined this. The thoughts and sounds of the couples in my family could never compare to the experience of being intimate with the one I love.

With each stroke, my fingers reached the top and I lingered there, knowing it was her most sensitive area. Lovingly, I circled my fingers around this glistening pearl, and my own excitement grew as I felt her enlarge under my attention. I kept teasing, petting the center and stroking around it as I responded to her reactions.

Bella's jaw was tense and her head dipped back, her neck arching. A rosy flush spread from her collarbone and down over her chest, delicately coloring the inner edges of her breasts. Her breath came in short rasps, and I felt her legs trembling. There was nothing as beautiful as watching her body's instincts and knowing that I was guiding her to her ecstasy.

"Edward," she breathed, and then her voice hitched. "_Oh!"_ She fell, and I let her go without fear this time.

Without thinking - for once - I slid my fingers down to enter her. I worked them in gently and gradually increased my speed. She was all softness and wetness, undulation and stillness. I felt every delicate slick part of her, each pressure point that was sparking a second escalation. Her body responded to each stroke as if it was another uttered word of love. Bella's breathing intensified again, and I watched as her neck arched once more. I was completely caught up in her - her body, her noises - at her most intimate and passionate, and moved beyond words to know that I brought her to it.

She rested on the pillow, and I withdrew, listening to her pant, delighting in the fragrance of her breath and body. I moved so we faced each other, then kissed her soundly. Slowly, she wove her fingers through my hair.

I stared at her for a minute, taking in her expression: languid, loving, _satisfied._ For once, I was at a loss for words, so I said the most important: "I love you, Bella."

"I love you too, Edward. Thank you. That was- blissful." Her hands framed my face. "Are you okay?"

"So much more than 'okay'..." I said, my voice trailing off. "Your body, your voice, your reactions - it was the most intense pleasure of my life. I'm just so happy I could do that for you," I said softly.

"You did. You did more for me than anyone else," she said emphatically. "What about you?"

"Bella, you've given me everything."

"No," she said coyly. "I'd like to do something for you now."

It took me a moment to comprehend, but I shook my head. "It's not necessary."

Bella raised her eyebrows. "That's not the message I'm getting." She put her hand gently over the top of my zipper.

"You really don't have to-"

"Edward, please. I'd really like to make you feel as good as you made me feel. Why deny yourself this?"

I had no good answer for that. With each downward click of my zipper, about a century's worth of inhibitions slipped away because they no longer had anything to hang on to.

I'm sure when I was human I craved this more than I have in my immortality. I'd been angry because I had no one to be intimate with, then even angrier because the woman I loved was jeopardized by anything that came naturally to other couples. Tonight, we made a lie out of those long-held beliefs. I was never so overjoyed to be wrong.

"You're awfully calm about this," Bella observed after she'd tossed my jeans into the corner where her shirt lay. She knew me so well, she suspected something was off.

"Seems to me most of the decisions have already been made. I've admitted you're right, not with words but with deeds," I said, lovingly circling her breast with my index finger. She gasped in surprise. "I'm glad I can do things that you don't always know about in advance, either." I took her hand and placed it on top of me, where my reaction to our explorations was most evident.

The warmth of her hand set my erection to pulsing even harder. I wanted to feel her fingers on my skin, to have her hold me as intimately as I'd held her. I could finally admit it, and I didn't see how it could push me further into hell. I'd already spent a long time there before she walked into the hospital months ago.

Bella propped herself up on her right elbow and slipped her thumbs below the waistband of my briefs. She looked nervous, all of a sudden, but when she looked up at me, her face cleared and she said, "I love you."

"And I love you." With that, she removed the last barrier and held me in her hand, her fingers warm and loving. I worried again that my coldness would be repulsive. Surely, touching me here, where any other man would be inflamed and hot, would be unnatural...but no, those old worries had no place here. They disappeared as Bella teased me, caressed me, loved me.

I lay back and lost myself in her touch. Her hands were sure and steady, moving in an erotic rhythm that bested every sweet note of music I'd ever heard. The last restraint of my reluctance drift away with her murmured encouragements. Suddenly, I emitted low growls of pleasure, wave after wave of deep gratification coming up from the depth of my body. I took a long breath and in a fraction of a second, gauged the rest of my control. I'd been terrified of succumbing to other urges if Bella was with me when I came. But I felt only the intense pleasure from her hands on me, working quickly; the other primal desires remained in the background. I wanted Bella to be safe, but I also wanted to continue what we were doing - or, what she was doing. I was close.

Which brought a brief moment of concern: I hadn't prepared for this. Nothing could hurt Bella as long as she was only using her hands. It just struck me as ungentlemanly to leave the both of us in a mess. I almost laughed at the realization that I was able to subdue every impulse except for order and cleanliness.

In another few seconds, that receded to the background too. My growls reached a higher pitch, unstoppable along with the intense pleasure that was coming over me. I heard Bella's breath quicken in anticipation, and then her own moan of satisfaction tipped me right over. My hand shot out and grabbed the blanket, tearing it from force of my orgasm. I shuddered and gasped, my chest heaving from the overwhelming gratification.

For a moment, I fought a powerful desire to roar, to show my physical power. My pleasure pulled me up like a rocket. I felt so high, so sated, so completed. I'd touched Bella and let her touch me intimately and managed to avoid hurting her. Neither my dangerous instincts or my rock-hard body hurt her. In fact, we enjoyed this sexual connection almost normally.

I was overjoyed at the victory and turned to hold her, no longer caring about the mess or anything other than how much I love her. I slid my arms around her and held her, covering her neck and shoulder in kisses. She giggled as if I was tickling her until she heard me moaning her name, over and over.

"Edward?" she said questioningly. She pulled back to gauge my expression. "Are you all right?"

"I left 'all right' in the dust about an hour ago," I said, smoothing the back of my hand across her cheek. Her worried look softened.

"Did you enjoy it?" she asked. Her tone was shy, but she held my gaze.

"My love," I said somberly, "if I'd known such enjoyment was possible, I assure you I wouldn't have fought you so hard on this."

She pulled back with a look of exaggerated amazement. "Really? Hmmm..." Bella smoothed her palm over my chest. "Does this mean you're admitting you were _wrong_?"

"I suppose I am," I said honestly.

"Wow." She hesitated. "If it wasn't so unseemly to invite your family here right now, I'd allow them to witness your post-orgasmic agreeableness."

"Oh, they know."

"Oh! That's right..." Her eyes widened in shocked awareness.

"I wanted to ask if _you _enjoyed yourself, but perhaps we should save that conversation for another time - say, an evening in your apartment."

"Well, I may forget why you're asking," she said coyly. "It might be best to remind me. With a re-enactment. Of everything."

She had a bit of a vixen in her, and I was thrilled that I inspired it.

"As you wish, my love." I smoothed back her hair, and she yawned. "You must be very tired. Would you like to go to sleep?"

"I am kind of tired," she said sheepishly.

"No apologies necessary." I grabbed a few blankets and wrapped her carefully. I felt the immediate loss of her warmth but reminded myself that she couldn't stay chilled for that long. She snuggled into the blanket, at the same time moving so that her body remained flush against my own. She nuzzled her head on my shoulder and said, "Edward, I love you. I love you, I love you."

"I love you too. More than I have ever loved anyone," I said fiercely, holding her, wanting to keep her there forever. _What did forever mean for us?_ I pushed away that thought for the night.

"Sleep well, my angel."

The night melted into the morning. I kept her in my arms, and though she often stirred, she never moved away from me. She woke up a few times and looked at me, her eyes half open, and then dropped her head and fell back into slumber. It was as if she enjoyed sleeping next to a cold statue - as if she felt she belonged there.

As if we belonged here - or anywhere - together.

We had a lovely, peaceful weekend together before the excitement of Rick and Ellen's wedding the following Saturday. They had selected a church and hall in Port Angeles, which meant I could attend without worrying about breaking the treaty. I was relieved the celebration wouldn't be held on the LaPush reservation so I could be there with Bella. While my feelings toward the wolves had softened considerably, I was still leery of them and the danger they posed. The wolves didn't know their own strength, particularly when they were new.

I had other concerns about the love of my life flying solo at a wedding with all these guys. There's a reason they're called "wolves."

The remaining potential obstacle was the weather. Earlier in the week, Alice firmed up her forecast: cloudy with some light showers. Perfect weather for a vampire trying to pass at a wedding.

After going back and forth over whether we should sit on the bride's side or the groom's, Bella declared that Rick should claim us because he was the first friend she'd made in Forks. We chose a pew about halfway down the sanctuary and sat close to the edge to get the best view of the bride as well as the ceremony.

Shortly after we settled into our seats, the groom and groomsmen took their place at the altar. I let the soft thoughts of everyone in the church recede to the background and focused on Rick. He was nervous, certainly, but there was a certainty about his impending marriage that was so absolute I could feel it physically. He had waited a long time for Ellen, as these things go for humans; and once they decided to marry, they waited what seemed like an equally long time until they would become husband and wife. Rick wanted this with every fiber of his being, in the clearest, most uncomplicated way possible.

When Ellen began her walk down the aisle, I could feel his heart leap and his breath quicken. She was radiant and beautiful, but once their eyes met, they were locked. Ellen barely looked at the large number of family and friends who gazed at her fondly, and with pride. Only I knew how perfectly their thoughts aligned. They wanted a life together, the formality of marriage for how it told the world they belonged only to each other, and the certainty that whatever happened, they would have each other.

How I longed to have the same thing with Bella! Would she consider it? Was it even possible?

I dwelt on these thoughts the rest of the ceremony and on the drive to the reception. Bella glanced at me a couple of times before finally saying, "I think that was one of the most beautiful ceremonies of any kind that I've ever seen."

"I agree," I said faintly. I was still distracted.

"Ellen is so lovely. She's the perfect bride," Bella said, looking out the Volvo's window into the faint mist

"Yes, she is. And Rick is absolutely devoted to her."

Bella nodded. "They make such a great couple."

I reached for her hand. "I admire their love for each other. I can't help but feel their marriage is going to be solid." I kissed her hand and watched her periodically while attending to my driving. What could she be thinking? What would I give to know…

The reception hall was very close to the church, and we saw many other guests milling about. Bella glanced at me nervously and whispered, "Will there be any problems with the Quileutes?"

"I'm not expecting any," I said. I spotted Jacob walking toward us as he adjusted his tie, and I immediately circled my arm around Bella's waist.

She nudged me in the ribs. "Don't start any, either," she said dryly.

We reached the door at the same time as Wendell Thatch and his wife. She pulled back a bit and stared at me, wide-eyed, and I gave her a calm, hopefully normal smile. To his credit, Wendell stepped right in front of me with his hand extended.

"Edward," he said formally, but with warmth in his eyes. "How are you?"

More than a little surprised, I took his hand gladly. "I'm well, Wendell. And you?"

"We are all fine, thank you. How is your family doing?"

"Also well. It's good of you to ask." I was shocked at this conversation, but touched as well.

"Please give your father my regards." He gave a slight bow and turned his attention to Bella. "You look beautiful!" he exclaimed.

"And you - so handsome!" she said as they embraced. I had no feelings of jealousy here. He was a good friend to her too; he'd given her something to work at and look forward to at a time when she had almost no one in Forks. Most of all, he helped save her life. I would never begrudge their relationship.

The reception moved along smoothly. Everyone beamed as the bride and groom danced their first together, love lighting their features. Bella ate the dinner and I pretended to do the same. When I heard the unmistakable strains of Van Morrison, I pulled her up to dance.

She looked at me and started to laugh uncomfortably. "You know I don't dance," she admonished me.

"All you need do is follow."

She shook her head, still chuckling. "I'll fall all over."

"No, you won't," I said, pulling her up and in my arms. A few of the Quileutes directed looks of disgust my way - I could hear their thoughts - but I gave no response. All my attention was on the woman in my arms as I walked her to the dance floor.

_I can hear her heart beat for a thousand miles_  
_And the heavens open every time she smiles_  
_And when I come to her that's where I belong_  
_Yet I'm running to her like a river's song_

"Your place is here, in my arms. Always. I will not let you fall from them. I will not let you go," I said fervently.

Her tension eased palpably, and she relaxed her head against my chest. We danced like this slowly, almost drifting, for a few moments. I reveled in the softness of her body, the sweetness of her scent, the evenness of her breathing.

_She give me__love, love, love, love, crazy love_  
_She give me love, love, love, love, crazy love_  
_She's got a fine sense of__humor when I'm feeling low down_

I thought about how true that was, how often she'd made me laugh. But having a sense of humor wasn't only about joking, even if Bella was really good at that. It was how she regarded the bad times in life, refusing to let them discourage her and instead, choosing to let them reinforce her. She made me think of possibility where once there was only the worst of certainty.

_And when I come to her when the sun goes down_  
_Take away my trouble, take away my grief_  
_Take away my heartache, in the night like a thief_

She helped me look at every day as a blessing without feeling dread for the rest of eternity that was awaited.

_Yes I need her in the daytime_  
_Yes I need her in the night_  
_Yes I want to throw my arms around her_  
_Kiss her hug her__kiss her hug her tight_

She pulled me into the physical relationship I'd craved for years without judging me on anything. With her, I explored what could be done. She knew when to push my limits and when I couldn't take them, or her, any further.

_And when I'm returning from so far away_  
_She gives me some sweet lovin' brighten up my day_  
_Yes it makes me righteous, yes it makes me feel whole_  
_Yes it makes me mellow down in to my soul_

I loved her for herself, but the truth was, I also loved her for what she did for me. Selfish creature that I am, I craved her comfort, her support, her sweetness and her intelligence. I loved how she challenged me. It went from being the physical challenge of resisting her to the challenge of giving in and seeing who I could be when I was with her.

This couldn't end. But how could it go on?

Bella's voice broke into my ruminations. "What is going on in that head of yours?" she asked.

"Just...thinking."

"About what? You look so pensive," she said, chiding me gently. "It's a wedding. It's a happy time, you know?"

"Do you want to get married?" I said suddenly.

"What?" she said, loud enough to attract attention from people at the tables near us.

"Married. Surely you've thought of getting married, right?"

"Well..." Bella looked shocked. "I mean, yes. Yeah. I dreamed of it when I was a little kid, but it hasn't been the focus of my world or anything like that. Not for a long time - that's all I meant." She pulled away from me slightly to stare at me harder. "Why are you bringing this up?"

"We are at a wedding."

"So you're inspired by your surroundings?"

"You could say that." I smiled and looked deeply into her eyes. "I have you here with me."

The music had stopped but we stood there. Bella was blushing, a look of confusion on her face.

"Edward, what are you doing?"

"I...don't know? I think I'm asking you to marry me."

"Are you sure?"

"Am I sure I'm asking you?"

"Are you sure you _want_ to?"

"Marry you?"

"Will you please stop repeating everything back so it makes no sense?"

I grabbed her hand and led her off the dance floor, down a hall and off to a quiet area away from the cheerful noise.

"Yes. Yes, I'm asking you and yes, I'm sure. Please, Bella, will you marry me?"

The words were out with a force of their own. I'd known for a long time that I wanted this permanence with her, but until now, I didn't have the courage to ask.

"Bella, listen to me." I clasped her hands and pressed them against my chest. "I don't want to be without you. I now know what it is to be loved by you, and the joy of loving you back. I've lived a hundred years, and if I live another ten thousand, I will not want anything more than to be bound to you. Nothing could ever mean more to me."

Bella threw her arms around me, hugging me. Quietly, she started to sob.

"I love you, Edward. I want to marry you," she said fiercely. "But there are some huge differences we have to settle."

I wiped the tears from her face. I knew what she meant, and that she was right, but I was too excited at what she'd said. A thrill shot clean through me.

"You really do want to marry me?"

"Honestly, yes. I love you, I have loved you for awhile now, and I'm quite convinced I'll never love anyone else." She put her hands against my face. "But I will not marry you without resolving our future."

"I know you're right. I just - I can't help it. I want this," I said.

"So do I. But it's foolish to play at it unless we know what we're doing," she said gently.

"We'll figure it out," I said fiercely.

"When? How?" she said sadly. "There is no compromise."

"Maybe there can be," I said stubbornly. Now that I'd arrived at this point, I was unwilling to leave. "Say you'll marry me, and I promise you we'll talk about it fairly. Be my fiancee, and I'll give every serious consideration to all the options."

Bella's eyebrows shot up. "Really?"

"Really. But that means my concerns as well as yours. If you can do that, so can I."

She looked away, silent for a moment, and then she turned back to face me fully. "Ask me again. Ask me, Edward."

"Bella, will you marry me?"

"Yes, I will. I'll marry you, Edward."

These simple words were enough to carry me into my future. I didn't know what it would bring, but she would be there with me. With just a brief exchange, we'd entered into a commitment - one that possibly meant some life-altering changes for Bella.

But I realized she had been right all along. We had to talk and get it all out. Up until this moment, I'd been afraid of what that would mean for us. I thought talking would prove that our differences could not be bridged and we would part. Now, whatever we said would have the additional significance of our engagement. This sweetest of obligations would carry us to a way out. We really had something to work toward, not run away from.

I kissed her hard, with all the passion I had waiting for her. I'd seen many other loves fade and heard the coldness that came with the end. And I knew with the benefit of an extra sense that ours was different. She would be my wife, and we would be together. Somehow.

My first vow to her as her future husband was that it would happen.

**Author's note:**

**A number of people helped make this chapter possible. My husband has been an enthusiastic and indulgent reader since the start. The lovely Camilla10 ("The Parachutist") has been reading and beta-ing for more chapters than I can count. Her eagle eye and support have encouraged me all along. Thank you for your inspired critiques and most of all, your friendship. Writingbabe ("Beyond the Pale) prods me when I need it, helps me take compliments, and wields the red pen like the pro she is.**

**To all my readers - you have my deepest heartfelt gratitude. Your appreciation means more than I can say. "Thank you" is completely indequate. I''m so grateful you found "Love" and read it, and told me what you thought.****  
****I have two FGB one/shots to complete, and then I'll start the sequel to this story. It will be shorter than the original. And it will NOT be anything like "New Moon." I hope that interests you enough to stick around and read it.****  
****Happy holidays!**


	27. Outtake Epilogue

** This outtake/epilogue (epi-take?) from "Love Is Always an Option" was written for the extraordinarily patient bonnysammy. She won it in the Fandom Gives Back auction of last year. My deepest apologies for taking so long to complete this. **

** To recap: Bella and Edward met after she took a job as a pharmacist in Forks Hospital. Edward is also a pharmacist. My fic was essentially canon, except that Bella and Edward are in their mid-20s. There were also a few original characters in the story, including Rick, a pharmacy technician who works the day shift with Bella and became her first real friend since moving to Washington State. Rick appears in this outtake.**

The beaches in Washington State were an adjustment for someone like me who grew up with easy access to the Atlantic Ocean.

They're nothing like any place I've been to along the Jersey Shore. I'm used to hot sand and cool, swimmable water. In Washington, there's cold sand and freezing, completely unswimmable water - unless you're in a wet suit, and I'm not a wet-suit kind of girl.

It took some time, but I came to appreciate the wild beauty on the shores of the Pacific. I'd gone to La Push with Jacob and was fascinated by the enormous haystack rocks that looked like small islands off the coast. I loved the evergreens that grew impertinently to the edge of the shoreline. It was different than any beach I'd seen, and different was okay up to a point. While the fresh, briny smell was the same, I missed the sun, the heat, and even the crowds.

To make it worse, Edward couldn't accompany me to La Push because of the agreement that the Cullens would stay off Quileute land. There really weren't any other beaches in our area suitable for a romantic walk or a bonfire. Either they were federally protected coastal areas or they were tribal lands. And even if the tribe wasn't Quileute , the Cullens knew it was smart to stay away. Edward and I settled for enjoying nature, and each other, in places like Olympic National Park, Goodman State Forest, or Bogachiel State Park.

Ironically, it was the television show I hated the most that gave Edward a great idea for a resolution. We were surfing through program listings when "Jersey Shore" came up.

I snorted. "Keep going."

"Are you saying you want to miss one of the greatest sociological experiments of the new millennium?"

"I'll say that and a whole lot more. That stupid show has done more to single-handedly ruin New Jersey's image than any Mob boss or contaminated landfill. And the worst thing? The cast is from New York."

As I turned to face him, my voice growing louder, I caught the faintest smirk. Without thinking, I smacked him – which was stupid, because when I did that I always hurt myself and not him.

"You said that on purpose," I grumbled.

"It happens to be true! Lots of studies have been done on the group dynamics of 'Jersey Shore.' "

"You are so full of it. Could you just give me the remote?"

Like a lot of other couples, we fought over normal things.

Later that night, I admitted to Edward that I longed for my beaches. It was my first July in Forks, and I was also adjusting to the weather. It never got very hot here. There was more sun in the summer, but by and large the skies opened on a near-daily basis. The forecast could be pre-recorded.

"I miss being able to swim in the ocean," I confessed. "And I miss the heat."

Edward looked away right as I realized the double meaning of what I said. Complaining about the cold and damp could be taken as judgment of his own abnormally chilled body.

"No, no – don't!" I said swiftly. "I'm just used to it being so much hotter in the summer!"

"You're used to _warmth_. That's normal," he said stiffly.

"You're pretty hot." I tried to tease him out of the funk he slipped into so easily. Any time he dwelled on the differences between us, he often became moody – almost depressed.

At the moment, we were in my bed, with me wrapped up in a blanket. We'd been talking about the East and West coasts as I was drifting off to sleep.

I saw the thoughtful look on his face and knew what was coming. "Don't worry about this again, please, " I pleaded, pulling my arm out from the tangled blanket. I touched his face to guide it to me. "What we have is so much better than anything I left behind. Do you really think I'd prefer swimming in the ocean to you?"

He smiled wryly. "The ocean here is warmer than I am."

I huffed in frustration. "Just stop it. I thought we'd gotten past all this. We're getting married, for crying out loud!"

Edward's face softened. "Yes, we are. How could I forget? That's what's most important." He leaned over and gave me a lingering kiss, and it warmed me perfectly.

A few days later, I arrived at work to find an interoffice envelope on my desk. My name was neatly printed across the front, but there was no return name or location.

I inserted my thumb to open it, then paused. _Should I be worried about this? What could be in here? Explosives? Anthrax?_

There was still a lone female vampire out there whose mate had been killed by my fiancé. I worried about her every so often.

But the envelope in my hands seemed to contain only paper. I shook it and heard no soft rattling that could indicate anything dangerous.

"What are you doing?" Rick asked from his desk behind me.

"I got this envelope and it doesn't say who it's from. I'm not sure whether I should open it."

"Give it here."

Without thinking, I passed it over to where he sat, and he used a letter opener to slice through the top in seconds. He pulled out two folded pieces of paper and read them silently.

After a couple of minutes, he held the papers against his chest with the contents facing him. "Do you want me to tell you what it is?"

I was gnawing my lip with worry. Rick doesn't know my fiancé is a vampire, or that the injuries that kept me out of work about a month ago were not from an auto accident. He'd torn into the envelope before I could come up with a way to get it back from him.

"Is it bad?"

He held the papers at an exaggerated arm's length. "I'd say not."

"Okay, spill."

"Looks like you're going to California."

"What?"

"These are tickets to a location near Carmel." Rick's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "That's a small airport. Gotta cost some bucks to fly there."

Edward.

I considered calling him immediately, but I was a little too upset for that. I knew he was being thoughtful; I was just annoyed that he didn't consult with me first. I was still new at the hospital and my vacation days were limited. I needed all I had for our wedding.

_Though all your days may be numbered after the honeymoon…_

We were still working out the details of how I would disappear off the face of the earth once I was changed. It was the subject of some heated discussion, and most of it remained unresolved. Edward wanted a "normal" honeymoon, which I generally agreed with. Everything after that was undefined.

And Alice was no help; she refuse to tell me anything for the short term, and Edward wouldn't ask her. He maintained we had to work it out on our own.

Sometimes I hated it when he was right.

Suddenly, I wondered if he organized this California trip to change me, but that didn't make sense. We had a wedding planned which both our families knew about. Everyone was looking forward to it. Alice had no problem whatsoever telling me what she thought about our decisions, or even injecting her own ideas into nearly every part of the planning.

Edward would never take that away from his family, or from us.

I looked for a date on the tickets, but none were specified. It would be just like Edward to give me enough information without completing the picture. He didn't work a shift in the pharmacy last night; otherwise I would have seen him when I came in. He'd probably dropped by right before I arrived this morning.

I knew he'd want me to acknowledge that I had what he'd left me, so I texted him.

_When are we going?_

I was doing my best not to convey a reaction either way. I still wasn't sure how I felt about this.

_Alice thinks the Friday of the Fourth of July weekend will be cloudy in that area of California. She also believes Larry will give you the day off if I explain that I want to take you somewhere for a restful weekend._

Larry Twogood was the director of the Forks Hospital pharmacy. He'd been very sympathetic to my injuries since my "accident" (where I was actually dragged off by a nomad vampire), and it was difficult not to take advantage of that. Sometimes, I just wanted to stay with Edward and lock the rest of the world away, especially when I knew how violent that world can be.

And when I knew I might be just as violent once my life ended and I joined Edward and his family as a vampire.

For now, I wanted to enjoy my time as a human. I think Edward knew this, and he struggled with it as well. In the little we'd talked about it, I saw his mixed emotions. He was opposed to changing me even as he saw the practicality of it. He insisted he would gladly live out my human years with me though he knew they would be limited compared to an eternity together. Sometimes I thought he'd rather stay with me every minute and protect me, rather than make me an immortal that could skillfully fight off any other supernatural beings.

Maybe taking me to California was his way of trying to make up for this. I knew he was trying to give me as much as he could – as much as I'd let him – right now. All I wanted was him. But the number of trips I'd be able to take before my life ends was limited, and we could see this part of California together.

I texted him to let him know I'd talk to Larry about the days off. The Fourth of July fell on a Monday, and the pharmacy would be working with limited staff because of it. I'd already been told I could have the day and work another holiday instead.

Edward preferred picking me up after work, but I loved driving too much to let him do it all the time. And I sometimes chafed against his protectiveness, even after what happened. I walked a fine line between appreciating his thoughtfulness and asserting my independence. It was a constant balancing act.

So I decided not to argue with him about the trip by the time I arrived home to see his Volvo parked in my driveway. I'd given him a key a while ago, and deep inside I was thrilled that he used it so frequently. He was often there when I began my day, and he'd usually be there at the end of it. We had a loving, compatible relationship, except for that whole vampire-human disparity.

The door upstairs to my apartment was open, and Edward was waiting for me right there, with that amazing smile on his face. I have no idea whether I'm right or wrong about this, but I'd swear that particular grin was only for me.

After a deep kiss, I scrunched up my nose and inhaled. "You made dinner for me again."

"Yes, I know how you love Italian." He followed me to my bedroom. "You're the only woman I know who can make a vampire cook with garlic."

I grabbed a pair of yoga pants and a tee shirt so I could change out of my work clothes. "So, about this trip we're taking…"

He stepped behind me to unzip my dress. "You said you wanted to see a decent beach again. The closest one would be California, so I thought we could fly there for the long holiday weekend."

"Aren't you concerned about the sun? I know Alice said the weather would be cloudy when we fly in, but what if it changes?"

Edward gently smoothed his hands down my back through the opening in the dress, then expertly danced his fingertips back up to ease the garment off my shoulders. "There's supposed to be plenty of cloud cover where we're staying. And the airport is small, which makes it easier to get in and out of quickly if the sun comes out."

He kissed my shoulders gently, his smooth cold lips giving me shivers. I stepped out of my dress and turned, wrapping my arms around his neck for a proper kiss.

The room disappeared as it always did when Edward and I kissed. Wherever we were slipped away and became inconsequential. Every problem and difference receded into shadows. They weren't important. They couldn't separate us. It was only he and I, and I wanted so much to keep it that way.

That would take a miracle, though, and I'm not a miracle worker. I'm just a normal human girl who fell in love with a very not-normal vampire guy and his "relatives." They'd become more than a surrogate family to me. They _were_ family to me, as much flesh and blood as my relations in New Jersey.

So of course, Alice and Jasper drove us to Sea Tac Airport. She assured us repeatedly that the weather would cooperate, with a few hours of sunshine here and there. It would be enough to sate my appetite for Vitamin D, but not enough to throw a damper on the whole weekend.

"I hope you enjoy this," Edward said, drawing my arm through his as the plane taxied for takeoff. He knew the ascent isn't my favorite part of the ride, so he was trying to distract me. "You still won't be able to swim, but it will be warmer than the water around the Olympic Peninsula."

"And we'll be there together," I said, resting my head on his shoulder. "That's really what I want." _And I want it now. Who knows what I'll care about later, when I'm a struggling newborn? It might be years before anything like this is possible._

Shaking off those thoughts, I asked Edward about the place where we were staying. He'd found an inn that was an hour's drive from the airport. Technically, it's called Big Sur Inn, but everyone knows it as Deetjen's, after the couple who opened the place in the 1930s.

"So there's no television and no cell phone reception?"

"None. But there's a ton of natural beauty, and a really rustic quality to the place." He knew, of course, I'd take all that in a heartbeat, even if the heart was just my own. We'd have a whole weekend together, with walks, reading, and anything else spontaneous. And there'd be no other vampires within hearing range to ruin the privacy of our intimacy. That phase of our relationship was still somewhat new for us.

He took my hand and kissed my knuckles. "I reserved the entire Lower Creek House so we'll have it all to ourselves. This is a very romantic place, and I wanted to make sure we were undisturbed." His eyes held my own with a deep, meaningful gaze, and my heartbeat quickened. The thought of Edward and I together for uninterrupted hours, stretched across a bed or outside in a private wooded area with no one else around, was thrilling.

With Edward driving, we headed south down Route 1, which gave me the closest view of the ocean on the passenger side. Alice was right: apparently the weather hadn't changed its mind at the last moment, and the skies remained overcast. I watched as wisps of fog drifted over the ocean, amazed at how beautiful it was even though the skies were overcast and it was chilly. I'd almost grown accustomed to the evergreens that were ever-present in Washington State. This oceanfront was more of a hybrid between that and the East Coast. There weren't trees, and there was plenty of sand and miles of grayish-blue water, but there were also enormous cliffs that towered over the tides.

Few people were near the water. Perhaps the cool weather kept them away. I'd have a hard time staying away from the ocean, even on a day like today. This beach was unique, with a craggy beauty that defied comparison.

Edward wasn't kidding about the rustic quality of the rooms and cabins. Originally built in the 1930s, the wooden buildings scattered throughout the site were uniformly weather-beaten – a fact of life when salt and ocean spray are so near. But they had a definite charm, and the interior of the cabin Edward booked was painted in a warm, creamy yellow. Exposed beams ran through the ceiling and down to the walls, where wide windows let in the light. There was a very comfortable bed with a thick quilt, and a fireplace ready for cold nights.

I imagined us on the rug in front of the fire at night, and I was pleased by what developed in my imagination. I stood there blushing as Edward effortlessly carried in the luggage.

"Are you daydreaming?" he teased.

I threw my arms around his neck. "Just imagining the next few days of nothing but whatever we want to do. Edward, this is perfect!" I pulled him closer for a passionate kiss.

He smiled. There was that glorious grin, the one I'd never tire of, the one I wanted to see from this night to the next, and far beyond. "I knew you'd like it. This just seemed like the kind of place you'd take to right away," he said.

Small books covered much of the available shelf space. Stacked on the table, lining the shelves created by the waist-high vertical beams, decorating the mantle above the fireplace – there were dozens of them, with no titles or authors on the spines. Curious, I picked one up and saw it filled with handwriting of all different kinds. They were journals.

I plopped down on the couch and thumbed through one I'd held in my hand. A deep ruby cover guarded the contents, with frayed edges and jagged cracks in the leather. I noticed the dates were all from 1975.

"Edward, look at this," I said, amazed. I walked over to another stack lying haphazardly on the table. Each book was mostly dedicated to a year: 1964, 1989, 1973, 1981, and more. "These are journals. It looks like people who stayed here wrote in them."

He walked over from the dresser where he'd been neatly storing his clothes. "Oh, yes – Deetjen's is famous for it." He took the notebook out of my hand and thumbed through it. "Guests started writing in them years ago. It took off, apparently, and almost all the guests do it." A smile crept over his face as he began reading. " '_I want to go on to Los Angeles, but Frank isn't willing. He wants to drive to Las Vegas. He thinks it will be safer if we leave the state.' " _ Edward raised his eyebrows as he read in silence, then shut the book. "Wow. They deserted their spouses and ran away together. I wonder what happened to them?"

"I wonder why they left."

He shrugged. "Unhappy marriages, I guess." He squeezed my hand. "Not everyone is lucky enough to find their soul mate the first time around."

We'd ordered dinner sent to the room – two meals, like a normal couple; except that one of them would be eaten by me and the other would be folded up neatly in napkins for later use by Edward, to lure animals while hunting.

"I hate to leave you." His lips brushed my hair and his voice was genuinely apologetic, but I could tell by the nervous energy coming off of him that he really wanted to go. Not that he desperately needed to feed, but there were mountain lions in the area and he was very excited about stalking his favorite prey.

"Don't go crazy," I warned him. "You won't fit in your wedding tux if you gorge yourself too much."

He gave me a smirk. "One of the few advantages of immortality is never gaining weight."

I couldn't resist teasing him some more. "What if I balloon up to about 250 pounds before I change?"

Edward still had difficulty hearing me talk about it so casually. His grin faltered for a second, but he tried to keep the humor. "Then you'll live that way throughout eternity. On the one hand, you won't have to worry about heart attacks, diabetes, or any other health hazards. On the other, you're stuck at that weight forever."

"So noted." I pushed aside the cheesecake dessert that came with the meal.

"Will you be okay here for a few hours?" he asked, all seriousness now. He still became so nervous about leaving me completely alone, even if it was just for a short time. His honey-gold gaze held mine, concern and love shining so strongly there that it took my breath away.

I place my palm to his cheek and felt the cool smoothness there. "I'll be fine. Take your time."

"There's no cell phone reception here," he reminded me grimly.

"I'll be okay. You'd hear another vampire if one was around. And Alice knew you'd go hunting, right? She would have said something," I reminded him.

"I don't like relying on her visions like this."

"Go," I said firmly. "Enjoy yourself. I'm sorry I can't accompany you to your meal like you did for me. Don't eat anything I wouldn't eat. I'll be here when you get back."

With a lingering kiss and a whispered "I love you," he was gone.

I poured a glass of wine and curled up in the chair on the small hearth. The fire was still burning, and its heat, along with a blanket, was enough to warm me for awhile. I held the same journal I'd picked up before, very curious to read more of it.

Many of the entries talked about the natural beauty of Big Sur. Some talked about visiting Deetjen's with the love of their lives – or, sadly, wishing they were there with their great love, but instead realizing the person they were with was not who they wanted. I thought again about the couple who'd escaped from their marriages and wondered about their desperation. If they found each other and recognized the person who could give them whatever was lacking in their marriage, I can't say I blamed them for taking off. I could understand the desire, however impulsive the decision, to be with your destiny. It was an against-the-odds story that appealed to how I felt whenever I thought of separating from Edward, which was unfathomable.

I skimmed through more entries. One man talked about coming here for solitude after the death of his son. A woman complained about having to live with her mother-in-law, who was "insufferable." Someone – I couldn't tell whether it was male or female from the writing – had just been diagnosed with cancer and was trying to cope by taking in the quiet natural beauty of Big Sur. It was heartbreaking.

I turned the page and a small, feminine scrawl caught my eye.

_This shouldn't be,_ it started. _None of it should. But the impossibility of it seems like the least of my worries. All I know is him. He is here though he shouldn't be – he defies everything with his presence – and that is all that matters. He is all that matters._

Intrigued, I read on.

_It isn't so much where we met, or how, or even why. It is mainly that we are together. I feel safer with him than I ever have with anyone else. Even though he says the danger is too great and he loves me too much to stay. But I can't let him go. I feel like he's all I've ever searched for. And he worries, about hurting me, about being discovered. I can't make him see I don't care about all that. I'm here. I'm with him, and I'll stay until my own death. _

It all sounded fairly common if dramatic, until this:

_He says it's been centuries and he never believed he would find anyone to love. This is new to both of us, in so many ways. He is so cold, but the fire inside him burns brighter than anyone I know. I die every time I think of being without him. Yet it is death that would keep us together. There is no other way. And I am ready._

The entry ended there.

I scrambled out of my chair and pulled at all the other journals, looking for the same handwriting. It was crazy to think I'd find more entries, but I hoped anyway. I wanted desperately to know more, to find a stronger bond with this person who I was sure had been in the same situation as me. I looked through as many journals as I could find, skimming them frantically, but I never saw anything more. I set the books aside, despondent that this quick, unexpected connection was broken.

But at least I'd found these words, brief as they were. Even if it wasn't written by another woman who was in love with an immortal, I chose to believe it was. It made me feel less alone on this journey. Most important, it gave me hope that someone else had made the same decision as I, and survived the change to enjoy another life.

For the time being, I decided not to show Edward what I'd found. He might doubt my interpretation, and I wanted to hold on to how it made me feel. I buried the journal in my suitcase so I could bring it home. I would nurture this irrational bit of optimism for as long as I could.

The next day, I really wanted to explore more of the area, so we decided to go for a walk. It was still cloudy, but even if the sun came out, Big Sur was heavily wooded enough to offer good protection for Edward.

We strayed from the creek and walked deeper in to the woods. I loved how the sound of the water seemed to follow us, sometimes growing fainter, but always there.

There were evergreens all around, and pine needles covered the ground. Just where we stood, there had to be hundreds of thousands of them – decades of accumulation – and it made me wonder again about the people who'd been here before. Years of journals were testament to the draw of Big Sur's peace and beauty.

I thought again about the desperate entry I'd read last night from a woman who was as willing as me to lose her life for the man she loved. I said a quick prayer that it worked out for her.

The sun had been struggling to break through the clouds as we wandered further from the foggy shoreline. Once we reached a deep part of the woods, the sun broke through freely and the air warmed around us. Spaces through the trees allowed the rays to filter down with a slanted brightness. I could feel the difference in temperature immediately whenever I stepped into a spot awash in sunlight.

One particularly broad ray drifted through the trees and illuminated the air and the ground. I picked up some pine cones and tucked them into my jacket pocket, then moved toward the brightness. Edward was ahead of me, and in seconds he'd stripped off his hoodie and long-sleeved shirt to stand, naked from the waist up, in the middle of the sunlight.

There was no one else around; Edward had determined that anyone out for a hike had wandered off in a different direction. We had this part of the forest to ourselves, which gave him the freedom to enjoy the brightness.

I watched as he slowly extended his arms out from his body and turned his face to the sun. As many times as I'd seen his skin exposed like this, I knew I'd never grow used to it. The magnificence, the colors, the crystallization – it was all completely at odds with what my human eyesight had experienced before I met him. It was part of Edward's unique beauty. But what rooted me where I stood now was the expression on his face.

He was as relaxed as I'd ever seen him, almost slack-jawed in his delight from the warmth. His head was tipped back and his eyes were closed, and I could see him inhale, as if every sense – even the ones he didn't always need – wanted to experience each part of this moment. Slowly, a smile spread across his face, his lips curling gently upward. I'd never seen him at peace like this, and I stayed put, letting him relish this brief moment; letting him experience this part of nature that he was only rarely able to enjoy.

He straightened his head and opened his eyes, then extended his hand to me. "Come here. I want to feel this with you."

In a second I was in his arms. His chest was much warmer than usual – almost a normal mortal temperature – and I ran my hands over his face, enjoying the sensation of his temperate skin. In spite of the chilly air, I decided I could do without my own shirt and jacket. This was a rarity for us, and I wasn't going to let it pass.

"What are you doing?" Edward said, chuckling.

"I want to touch you, skin to skin. There's no one around, right?" I shrugged out of my sleeves and pulled the shirt off my head. When I reached around to remove my bra, Edward stopped me.

"Let me."

Slowly, he unhooked the bra and drew it down past my shoulders. He inhaled sharply as he held me at arm's length for a moment. And then he echoed the exact thoughts I'd had from moments before as I watched him in the sun.

"You're so beautiful. I'll never grow tired of looking at you," he said softly. He pulled me closer and tentatively – still so uncertain – touched his index finger to my breast, tracing circles that grew smaller until he was circling my nipple. I moaned and closed my eyes in response while Edward hummed in appreciation.

He drew me closer, our chests pressing against each other in delightful warmth. Slowly, he leaned down and inhaled again, softly this time, a small smile playing across his mouth. "Your scent will always stay with me. It's a part of my memory now, one of the best things I'll never lose." His smile vanished as his golden eyes grew somber. "I"ll miss it when it's gone, but I'll still have all of you."

Tears formed in my eyes as his words sank in. It was the closest expression of acceptance about my immortality that I'd heard from Edward since we started dancing around the subject. I knew how hard he struggled with the whole idea. He felt as if he was taking a life, something he'd fought in his nature for nearly a century. This acknowledgement was momentous.

I framed his face with my hands, our gaze still locked together. "I love you. And I know you love me. We'll do this together. We won't fail." We leaned in until our lips met, strong and relentless as the sun around us.

It was the kiss I'd wanted forever, the kiss that would keep me tethered to the only person I needed in this world, and the next.

**My deepest thanks to bonnysammy and all others who donated to benefit Alex's Lemonade Stand and research for children's cancers. The generosity of this fandom is part of what makes it so great.**

** Deetjen's is real, and it's spectacular. I was inspired to include it after reading about it in The New York Times. I think the Inn and those journals are perfect for a Twilight fanfic. **

** Deetjen's Web site is http:/www (dot) deetjens (dot) com/ .**

** There is a sequel to "Love" in the works! It's almost all outlined, and I've resolved a lot of the plot points that needed work. I wish I had an ETA for posting, but I promise you, it'll get here.**


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